The Yorkies - The Toronto FC Supporter's Voice

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Nuts to The AmCan

2012-01-27T08:35:00.004-05:00

Can-Am Connection - not Nut-Can Connection

PYRAMID TOURNAMENT
A day after getting all kinds of pun-related gifts, one of our faves was pulled out from under us like a rug covered in health supplements. The Nutrilife Canadian Championship, or as we so lovingly called it - "The NutCan" - is no more. Instead, the Canadian arm of Amway Global will be the branded sponsor of The Voyageurs Cup tournament. "AmCan Cup" just isn't worth doing and we're not looking to get any lawsuits from either Tom Zenk or Rick Martel, so Voyageurs Cup (or V-Cup in a pinch) will do. In addition to the re-branding, it was also announced that TFC will face rivals Montreal Impact in the Semi-Final with the 1st Leg in Montreal on May 2nd with the return in Toronto on May 9th.
　
SCRATCHING A 'VIC?
During the TFC Media Day, Bob de Klerk let it be known that nine TFC Academy products were taking part in training camp. He went on to say that there were possibly two standouts that could be ready for the jump to the senior club. According to the Canadian Soccer News, a likely candidate to be the next graduate could be striker Stefan Vukovic. The young poacher who led the CSL in scoring last year with 18 goals may have maximized his learning potential at the Academy level and, if rumours are to be believed, was garnering interest from some Serbian club eyes. If Vukovic can hold his own during training camp, he could find himself being mentored by top class poacher Danny Koevermans in 2012.
　
SINGLES NIGHT
TFC PR has done a bang-up job in trumpeting their successful ticket sales campaign for the CCL showdown at SkyDome. In between bouts of self-congratulation, TFC media announced that only single seats were now available for the big night on March 7th. There are still questions about how many red-clad bums will actually be in blue seats due to corporate promo tickets and scalper's grubby paws, but if you're still looking to buy (legitimately at least) it looks like you're sitting by yourself. On the upside - it will give you the chance to debut your new Geovanny Caicedo chants to total strangers.

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Lights, cameras... stability?

2012-01-26T21:05:00.002-05:00

"Letsh have de chit-chatsh..."

It's safe to assume any TFC Media Day will be forever considered a success if the star player doesn't openly discuss going on strike. With that lofty criteria only a year old, today's meet and greet with the city's press will be considered downright cosy. Optimism, a seemingly happy squad, plans for the future and heck... even a good old fashioned signing!
　
After Aron Winter started the day off big with the announced Geovanny Caicedo signing, there weren't too many other earth-shaking developments with the only minor hiccup being the odd air surrounding the # 1 goalkeeper job. While nothing was said by any involved party that would lead one to think a decision was made, there did seem to be a slight air surrounding the topic.
　
The rest of the day went as well as any PR person would hope with players knocking home cliché answers to puffball questions when host Dan Dunleavy wasn't using hockey as a reference or extolling the virtues of that "rock" in defence Ty Harden (?!). Here are a few other highlights from the day - some real, some maybe less real. And by less real, we mean probably not real. And by probably we mean maybe absolutely likely. But hey... maybe!
　
ARON WINTER: Pretty much let it slip that Chilean defender Miguel Aceval is about to sign; Can't believe that dumb blogs are still making Winter/winter puns a year later
PAUL MARINER: Said the club had been tracking Geovanny Caicedo since the Canada vs. Ecuador friendly last summer; After landing Richard Eckersley on a free, wants to be referred to as "The Artful Mariner"
EARL COCHRANE: Stuck by his guns that the Nathan Sturgis deal may be one of the club's greatest ever trades adding "I can't remember who made the deal but it must have been some kind of Moneyball-esque genius. Genius I tells ya!"
TOM ANSELMI: No big changes or expansion at BMO Field in 2012; had to run off to prepare Golden Calf sacrifice at MLSE board meeting
BOB de KLERK: Nine promising Academy players have been invited to take part in training camp; spent the off-season working on his music and chilling with his "main dude" Dutch legend Rutger Hauer
TY HARDEN: Played much of last season on a banged up ankle; (anything written here would just be too obvious - do it yourself, jokesters)
ELBEKAY BOUCHIBA: Is actually a real person
KEITH MAKUBUYA: Shocked and dismayed fans by telling the media his name is pronounced "MA-KOO-BEE-YA"; Ruined a 10,000 "BooYah!" T-Shirt order... ass
JULIAN DE GUZMAN: Spent day answering questions about his brother and Team Canada; Went and did donuts in his Lamborghini in the ACC's garage
TERRY DUNFIELD: Is trying to bring the 1920's Austrian gentleman's moustache back to football (note lack of italics... it's for realz! See video non-believers)
JIMMY BRENNAN: Learned to do that cool leaf design thing on the foam of a latte in off-season
ADRIAN CANN: Could be ready to suit-up as early as the MLS season opener; His ~~cosmetic surgery~~ ACL scars are healing nicely
JOAO PLATA: Reconfirmed that all his interviews look like Dennis Waterman from Little Britain
REGGIE LAMBE: Stormed off set claiming that "Pork makes a poor excuse for a chop"
DANNY KOEVERMANS: Spent off-season at home playing a strange nerd game; Had a bit of an old grumpy man moment when asked if he was on Twitter or Facebook; screamed at those damn kids to get of his lawn
STEFAN FREI: Looked the picture of uncomfortable when asked about his TFC future
GEOVANNY CAICEDO: When asked about nickname "The Spoon" told translator that it was because "he gets ladeez digits by the ladle-full"
TORSTEN FRINGS: Missed the entire day trying to get his ballcap to sit perfectly backwards
　
So there you have it, or sort of sometimes don't have it. Lay off me sticklers for the truth... Juan Epstein died today. If you'd like to follow the factual (booooo-ring) interviews, be sure to watch the creamy goodness of Toronto FC TV (here). I warn you though... not much in the way of italics.

The D ran off with The Spoon

2012-01-26T15:44:00.000-05:00

Caicedo (L), and rumoured trilaist "The Dish"

Not only has it been a good day for TFC's defensive line - but a great day for puns. Hot on the heels of this morning's "Ecks'ual satisfaction", Aron Winter started TFC's Media Day off with a bang by announcing that the club had signed Ecuadorian Geovanny Caicedo. The 30-year old defender is not only an established international back with his native Ecuador but he arrives with his very own nickname - and maybe TFC's most bizarre - "The Spoon".
　
Putting the many punnage possibilities Caicedo will provide in 2012 aside, the solid 6 Foot 2 back adds an experienced and versatile option in a back four that is evolving from paper-thin to adequately deep. Caicedo has spent his entire professional career in the Ecuadorian club ranks most recently with LDU Quito, the former club of his once-again teammate Joao Plata.
　
Not long after announcing Caicedo's signing (with some gentle media prompting), Winter let the cat half way out of the bag that Chilean defender Miguel Aceval is also close to signing with The Reds. With Adrian Cann's return getting closer and Dicoy Williams on the rehab horizon, the defence that yesterday demanded the inclusion of some lesser talented players, is suddenly strong if not flashy.
　
Of course we wouldn't be doing our job if we didn't return to the most important factor of Caicedo's signing - the wordplay. From "Silva Spoons" to "Spoon dishes Lambe on a Silva Plata" and on to "there is no Spoon Geo", Caicedo may be the best gift to football writers since Maxim Usanov gave us a season's worth of Ivan Drago references. "The Spoon" to TFC - what a scoop! See.

Reds get back with their Ecks

2012-01-26T11:33:00.000-05:00

Ecks-iting news!

Well that was surprisingly fast! After hearing about the "99% certainty" of Richard Eckersley's return to Toronto FC since late November, it took less than a day after his "Ecks'ual release" from Burnley to finalize a permanent move to Toronto.
　
The Reds officially announced the deal just hours prior to their big media day event, no doubt steering the news of the day onto the English defender. The resigning of "The GingaNinja" was earmarked early as one of TFC's main off-season priorities along with the similar deal for Joao Plata. The 22-year old Eckersley quickly became a reliable defender on a rather unreliable TFC defence and kudos need to be given to Paul "The Artful" Mariner for managing to secure his permanent move to MLS without shelling out a transfer fee.
　
Of course, the backline makeover is far from done with many hoping to hear one or two new names added to the defensive line today but Eckersley's deal is a major piece of that puzzle. At his age and with a season of MLS experience already under his belt, it is arguable that this will be the most important move of this off-season.

Ecks'ual release

2012-01-25T15:43:00.000-05:00

"Kiss me, I'm orange!"

We promised we wouldn't talk about this godforsaken story anymore until there was confirmation - but we are renowned liars... and desperate for some news. With that, there is movement afoot on the most protracted TFC transfer saga of the off-season, Richard Eckersley aka "The Ginger Affair".
　
Straight from the horse's mouth, if Burnley FC is a horse... which is arguable... and actually from the horse's website... Richard Eckersley, the Toronto FC fan favourite (and local superhero "The GingaNinja)" has had his contract cancelled by the English club. With 18 months left on his contract with The Clarets, Eckersley and the Championship side parted ways today by mutual consent.
　
This move of course allows Eckersley to negotiate a new contract with the club of his choice and we may be crazy but it's looking like TFC. Just a hunch. Unless some other club tries to Ginger-Block us! Keep your hands off our Ginge... looking at you Scunthorpe... filthy buggers. Anyhoo... it looks like we may have some official news about Eckersley's signing by The Reds in the very near future as SIXual Healing continues to shape up. When The Artful Mariner does end up "putting some Ginge around it", we will cover it here.

LETTERS FROM CAMP: "Pitching a tent for Training Camp 2012"

2012-01-25T14:47:00.003-05:00

The counsellors are back with their "campy" Dutch accents and the campers are arriving one-by-one at the big campsite by the lake. The weather forecast is looking a lot calmer than it was one year ago - but anything can happen at camp. Especially if that new camp up the river, "Le Camp Impact du Fromage", challenges us to a winner-take-all canoe race! Shenanigans!
　
Yes, camp can be a crazy place and somewhere between medicals, s'mores, ACL injuries, waterslides and TyHardenning (it's a thing) - the news can slip through the cracks. So, for our readers who can't sit around the fire waiting for the latest tidbit about Camp TeeEffCee, our regular "Letters From Camp" feature will keep you up to date without having to use your flashlight. Now... where's my red Speedo - I wanna go TyHardenning!
　
WELCOME BACK, WINTER
Not too many Boom Booms or Vinnies, but still a few Horshacks left over, as The Reds made their way to BMO Field over the last couple of days. With the usual TFC secrecy act, supporters were only shown a selected few arrivals - a mixture of last season’s veterans looking a bit winter (not Winter) weary and excited draft picks. Of course supporters are a little more curious about who wasn't shown on camera as the quest to learn the names of invited trialists and potential signings grows needier on a daily basis.
　
SAY CHEESE! (BUT NOT SAPUTO BRAND CHEESE)
As mentioned above, there was little in the way of video from Monday and Tuesday's arrivals with the public domain's media being kept at arm's length. The club says that it wants to get its administrative duties in order first but it could also have to do with knowing exactly who will be at BMO Field for camp before releasing the press horde. Either way, the official Training Camp Media Day is scheduled for tomorrow where we will be treated to the finest clichés, inspirational quotes and Dutch humour that the salary cap allows.
　
HAPPY CAMPERS
It was interesting to read Paul Mariner's interview with MLSsoccer.com about the state of TFC camp this year as opposed to last year's. Framing the two camps as "night and day", The Director of Development/Fifth Beatle described the state of TFC 2011 as "an organizational nightmare". While far too classy a gent to say what we were all thinking - that four years under Mo Johnston's MLSE-approved "masterplan" left the club a disaster zone - it's not hard to imagine the mess that the management faced due to previous bungling. It was very amusing that the media boffins at TFC decided to run with the article as "a feel good piece" almost as if that "old club" had nothing to do with them. They have surely heard of irony, no? Maybe this was there way of saying sorry? They are so demure. Oh well - pencils and erasers and all that!
　
WHATS MISSING IN THE -EFENCE?
The "D"! Well done children! The glaring lack of depth in TFC's backline is the most obvious hole on Day One of "SIXual Healing". As of writing - the best starting back four The Reds could field is something like Stinson-Harden-Henry-Morgan. That giggling you hear is Bruce Arena. However, if mountains of blog articles (why thank you), Tweets on the Twitter Machine and media speculation have anything to say about it - help is on the way. Today, the reliable Kurt Larson writes that Richard Eckersley is OFFICIALLY (all caps makes it for realz) cutting ties with Burnley making a permanent switch to TFC open. This is the news all TFC supporters have anxiously awaited along with the very regularly rumoured (often by themselves) signings of South American defensive duo Miguel "Ace" Aceval of Chile and Ecuadorian Geovanny "The Spoon" Caiceda. His nickname not ours... obviously. If it all falls flat... TyHardenning!!!
　
#OCCUPYTICKETMASTER
We've been hearing lots of chirps and whispers from excited bean counters on Bay St. that the attendance for the big CCL match at SkyDome is already around 40K and headed for a sell-out. Will this actually translate into 45K bums avec 45K seats? Maybe not. A good chunk of those seats are in the hands of sponsors and various hangers-on in TFC's orbit and could end up going unused. Of course there is always the age old question of how many tickets are in the hands of scalpers but we likely won't know the result until that evening in March. Well... at least at the 30 minute mark when most Torontonians arrive for a football match.

THE STARTING 11: Surprises on the first day of Toronto FC training camp

2012-01-23T11:20:00.000-05:00

Monty Hall... a proud father

"The boys are back in tow-owu-wow-own!" Oh, sing it yourself then. It's true though - like well-paid groundhogs in shorts, our beloved Reds are making their annual late-winter appearance! And guess what? Spring is coming early! (March 7th at SkyDome - operators are standing by) It's always fun to see old faces return and new faces emerge (except on defence where we are apparently in tip-top shape) and catch up on all the news and gossip from a long off-season. Much like the first day back at school, there are always a few surprises and in the halls of BMO Field it's much the same...
　
11. De Ro stopped buy just to check if any DP money happened to be laying around
　
10. Torsten Frings reported back with a severe neck injury after being dared to wear his ballcap frontwards - and failing
　
9. New defender Jeremy Hall? Son of Monty Hall!
　
8. SuperDraft picks given their first pro shirts - Supplemental Draft picks shown how to work the laundry machines
　
7. Elbekay Bouchiba is actually a ghost
　
6. Adrian Cann has bounced back from his ACL injury through a blend of Eastern medicines... and cosmetic surgery
　
5. Nick Soolsma is being detained at Toronto's Pearson Airport after attempting to smuggle a dozen cats into Canada in his trousers
　
4. Bob de Klerk? Dreadlocks.
　
3. Joao Plata has been carrying the entire worth of his new contract around in his pockets. Now measures in at 3 Foot 7
　
2. New midfielder Reggie Lambe outrageously proclaims to media that he is "superior to beef, chicken and pork"
　
1. Ty Harden had been locked in the bathroom since November

Iro and Maro a no-go

2012-01-20T17:08:00.000-05:00

"Behind you Andy! Oh... never mind."

A little bit of a shocker out of TFC's pre-pre-season today as the club confirmed that both Andy Iro and Peri Marosevic will not return to The Reds in 2012. "Both Andy and Peri declined our contract extension offers and now the club is ready to move on," were the words from the Dutch Master Aron Winter who is no doubt ready to welcome new recruits to fill their roles.
　
Andy Iro was brought in mid-way through 2011 as the potential answer to TFC's woes at centreback. The giant Liverpudlian was the final piece in the DeRo-series of trades which saw Tony Tchani move to Columbus in return for Iro and Leandre Grifft. Iro, who had been particularly solid with Crew in 2010 seemed to be exactly what the doctor ordered after the injuries to Adrian Cann and Dicoy Williams but it simply never happened. Whether it was a case of not having the footballing IQ to pick up Winter's system; nerves of playing on a bigger stage; or, not being up to the task of having to be partnered with the equally calamitous Ty Harden - we will never know. In the end, management couldn't have had a great deal of confidence in Iro for 2012 and a change of scenery may be best for the affable 27-year old to regain his composure.
　
Peri Marosevic, while not as integral a member of the club, is still a surprise in his departure. Picked up on waivers after falling off of FC Dallas' radar completely, Marosevic was given a late-season opportunity to show his wares and seemed to do fairly well. Grabbing two goals and playing numerous midfield positions in his seven appearances, many would have expected his return but perhaps this decision simply came down to dollars. With the drafting of Luis Silva and the signing of Reggie Lambe, Marosevic may just have been a luxury TFC wasn't willing to spend enough on.
　
The alarm bells for many supporters will of course be Iro's former position in the centre of defence. While TFC drafted Aaron Maund, most would assume he is far from a starter. The rumoured names of Chilean Miguel Aceval, Ecuadorian Geovanny Caiceda and others will no doubt be a lot hotter this evening as the sudden 215K in salary cap room burns a hole in TFC's hands. Or we could just go ahead and pencil Ty Harden in for March 7th... anyone?

THE RUMOUMETER - January 20, 2012

2012-01-20T09:51:00.001-05:00

Welcome to The Yorkies' regular off-season rumour roundup - "The Rumoumeter". Too busy to keep your TFC ear to the ground every week? Just stop by the site and we will quickly show you what rumours are hot - and which ones have hit the back burner. Some of the rumours have weight - others little more than whispers; we take their temperature with... "The Rumoumeter"...
　

REDS HOT!

CHILEAN DEFENDER MIGUEL ACEVAL SIGNING TO BE COMPLETED THIS EVENING?

TFC TO INVITE 5-6 PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE TRIALISTS TO CAMP?

SKYDOME TICKET SALES GETTING CLOSE TO 75%?

POTENTIAL TRIALIST VICTOR TURCIOS OUT WITH INJURY SUSTAINED ON EUROPEAN TRIAL?

ANDY IRO OFFERED TRANSFER WINDOW NOTTINGHAM FOREST TRIAL?

QPR SNIFFING AROUND TFC ACADEMY PROSPECTS?

MONTREAL IMPACT ANGRY OVER THOMAS RONGEN'S COMMENTS ABOUT ANDREW WENGER?

BURNLEY DESPERATELY TRYING TO HAGGLE WITH MLS FOR ECKERSLEY TRANSFER FEE?

FROZEN PITCH!

Yourass is grass

2012-01-18T16:13:00.003-05:00

It's how he'd want to be remembered

The man who filled the coveted "Supervillain" role after Maxim Usanov left town has been unceremoniously dispatched himself. Without having to sabotage a giant laser, use a submarine Lotus or rake any moons, TFC waived Mikael Yourassowsky from the roster.
　
With only days remaining before SIXual Healing's training camp opens, the move to release the rambunctious Belgian is hardly a surprise. Yourassowsky was far more fun to say than watch, with his penchant for rather cheap dives and habit of collecting reckless fouls. With a midrange salary and a valuable international roster spot, Yourass has been an endangered species since rumours of South American defenders and returning Gingers began hotting up.
　
Despite the value of playing multiple positions and his single valuable goal in the NutCan, TFC's off-season roster moves (as well as the rumoured additions) will have dropped Yourassowsky far too down the depth chart to justify his expense. Instead, the wandering winger will go down as a TFC footnote - one of those early Aron Winter transition players along with Javier Martina, Alan Gordon and Alen Stevanovic who have come and gone. At least he can get back to work on that giant laser.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Lose this postage address please..."

2012-01-18T10:45:00.000-05:00

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Dear Stan,
I didn't have much contact with my father growing up but now, as an adult, I have the opportunity to rekindle my relationship with him. Do you think this is a good idea? Stephen - Grimsby, ON
　
That's a bit of a gherkin isn't it Stevie? Old Stan's dad, Old Stan Sr., never had much time for us sprogs what with the war, the animal husbandry and Kettering Town FC. Made me the man I am today though - the tough fathering, not the animal husbandry - and he always had a boiled sweet when I needed one. Give it a go lad, why not? From an acorn grows an oak! So, you're in Grimsby are you Steve? Stan played for Grimsby Town back in the day. Had a lovely girl there for a bit. Trapeze artist - flexible stuff. Sheila was her name. Lost contact with her after I went to Plymouth Argyle... came back a year later and she had a nipper of her own - little lad... Stuart... Stefan... Ste... Um something like that. Anyways - must run. Good luck - no need to write back!
　
Hi Stan,
I'm really upset with my husband right now. He bought tickets for the big TFC vs. LA game but only for his friends - not for me and our kids. I don't think its right to leave his family behind, do you? Am I right to be angry? Thanks. Michelle - Stoufville, ON
　
What in the name of good King Wenceslas?! You don't know a Sheila, do you? What are you trying to get across here, woman? A man needs space! Maybe your husband just wants to go to the match with some mates - ever think of that? Maybe he's not ready to be tied down from sun-up to sundown! Maybe his Triumph Two-Seater isn't made for kiddies! Maybe he owed money to a dodgy bloke in Grimsby! Time and tide wait for no man! Um, what were we talking about? Oh, yes... sure... be cross with him... whatever. Old Stan needs to find a train timetable for St. Pancras sharp-like. Glad to help... lose this postage address please.
　
Hey Stan,
As a football man - what do you think of Toronto FC's investment into the academy? Do you think if the young kids get that kind of mentoring they will be successful? Jonathan - Toronto, ON
　
Sorry? But why would I know anything about mentoring boys? Anyways this isn't Stan - he had to go... do somewhere else... I'm Old... Stu Bartley. If it gets you on to different news I'm sure Stan would have said "walnuts and pears you plant for your heirs" - or something similar. But he's not here. It's just me... Stu. Stan went to... Rhodesia... to do some scouting for Barnsley FC... yes, that's what I'm sure he said. Quite sure he also told his postman Reg to ignore letters from any Stephens, Sheilas and possibly someone named Johnny "The Nose" in Grimsby. Oh there's the 10:40 to Dover, that's my... I mean that's Stan's train. Off he goes! Cheerio Stan! Locomotives - great stuff.
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Well, you're probably out of luck for a while as Stan's mail seems to be going unanswered. We're sure he'll return one day but in the meantime you could try a telegram to Rhodesia.

Sup Le Mental?

2012-01-17T16:04:00.003-05:00

Like the SuperDraft... just less Super... and more Mental

No we aren't being all streets with French crazy people - we are being all streets with the 2012 MLS Supplemental Draft! And honestly, what's a draft if it's not a wee bit mental? And hey, Montreal's in it now so là vous allez.
　
The Torontos had five picks today in the annual hunt for gold (not Matt Gold) that slipped through the two rounds of last week's SuperDraft. Did they get lucky and unearth this year's Joao Plata? Or, did they just cost themselves five round-trip tickets on Air Canada while these lads toil at training camp? Only time and blunt Dutch criticism will tell but here's the most important* information on today's five picks.
　
*not important in the least
　
MICHAEL GREEN
SCHOOL: New Mexico
POSITION: MF
POTENTIAL NICKNAMES: "Winter", "Mint", "Not Easy"
BIO: Played with Columbus Crew Academy (gulp)... from Strongsville, Ohio which means he's strong... apparently has "dangerous speed"... (School bio here)
　
NICKARDO BLAKE
SCHOOL: Connecticut
POSITION: D
POTENTIAL NICKNAMES: "Nontalban", "Nicky Nickardo", "And Pliers"
BIO: At 6 foot 1 and 167 lbs. he resembles a birch tree in profile... from Clarendon, Jamaica so has a chance to create the Dicoy-Nickardo Dancehall Sound System on defence... (School bio here)
　
MYKELL BATES
SCHOOL: Santa Clara
POSITION: D
POTENTIAL NICKNAMES: "The Master", "Low-Brow Nickname", "Psycho"
BIO: Winner "Easiest New Nickname" at 2012 MLS Combine... Captain of his Broncos squad... hates that novelty souvenirs only available for "MICHAEL"... (School bio here)
　
ARTUR IVO
SCHOOL: Southern Methodist
POSITION: MF
POTENTIAL NICKNAMES: "Ivo Genius", "Dr. Ivo", "Ivo Kneivo"
BIO: Is an actual Brazilian!... Has his own website! (Here)... looking forward to confounding broadcasters by playing one-two passes to Andy Iro... (School bio here)
　
MIKE MAZZULLO
SCHOOL: Columbia
POSITION: MF
POTENTIAL NICKNAMES: "MixMaster MikeMazzullo", "The Pele of Yonkers", "Meatball"
BIO: Went to an Ivy League school so he probably reads books... Is from New York so may know how to breakdance and/or tag subway cars.... (School bio here)
　
And some Jacques Lu Cont to help you get Le Mental...

THE STARTING 11: Other changes to next year's CONCACAF Champions League

2012-01-16T11:06:00.000-05:00

It's gone to Extra Time!

Rather quietly last week, the pristinely un-corrupt body that oversees Caribbean, North and Central American football announced changes to its Champions League format. CONCACAF's changes are a good news-bad news scenario for Canadian clubs as the NutCan winner will get to skip the preliminary round and go straight to the group stages, but, be placed in a three-team group with at least one other MLS club or a Mexican giant. Overall the changes seem positive but when reading the fine print there are some other new features that will definitely add to the continent's "premier club tournament"...

　
11. Donkeys no longer considered legal substitutes
　
10. Away matches to Bermuda called off after Guatemalan league loses three clubs to "Triangle-related" incidents
　
9. Official pre-match anthem changed from classical music piece to Van Halen's "Panama"
　
8. All matches in Jamaica to be held at Hedonism Resorts
　
7. Extra time penalty kicks at cup final to be replaced by kicking the ball at a piñata with the tournament trophy inside
　
6. Haitian clubs no longer allowed a witchdoctor on coaching staff
　
5. Fans wanting to throw bags of urine at opposition must only use new official "CONCACAF Champions League Bolsa de Orina" Ziplocs
　
4. Trinidad & Tobago club Joe Public FC finally forced to reveal their true identity
　
3. Loser of the British Virgin Islands vs. US Virgin Islands club match can no longer be called a "virgin"
　
2. Giant holes in Central American pitches can no longer be filled with political dissidents
　
1. Winners get trophy... and Nicaragua

THE RUMOUMETER - January 13, 2012

2012-01-13T11:15:00.001-05:00

REDS HOT!

ECUADOR DEFENDER GEOVANNY "THE SPOON" CAICEDO JOINING THE REDS NEXT WEEK?

CHILEAN DEFENDER MIGUEL ACEVAL'S TFC PAPERWORK GOING THROUGH MLS HEADQUARTERS TODAY?

ANDY IRO FACING CHOPPING BLOCK TO MAKE ROOM FOR NEW SIGNINGS?

REDS LOSING PATIENCE WITH BURNLEY OVER ECKERSLEY - WILL CONSIDER OTHER TARGETS INSTEAD?

TFC TURNED DOWN DRAFT DAY DEAL FOR STARTING MLS DEFENDER IN RETURN FOR BOTH 1ST ROUND PICKS?

DICOY WILLIAMS UNLIKELY TO BE A STARTER UNTIL JULY?

REDS MANAGEMENT DESPERATE TO SHED JDG'S CONTRACT DURING JANUARY TRANSFER WINDOW?

TFC STAFF FRUSTRATED WITH NICHOLAS LINDSAY'S REHAB EFFORTS?

FROZEN PITCH!

Winter’s Draft affected by Chile conditions?

2012-01-12T15:07:00.000-05:00

Now THAT'S a SuperDraft!

Wow that's a lot of punnage in one title. With reason though, as something is definitely going on behind the scenes which will help explain Toronto FC's two First Round draft picks at the MLS SuperDraft. (Don't you just hate those non-Super Drafts? So boring.) With their braintrust gathered in Kansas City, TFC did their best to confound those who do mock drafts.
　
With the 4th Pick overall, The Reds decided to go with consensus "best player available" in attacking midfielder Luis Silva. The 5-foot 11 Senior form UCSB upped his stock during the combines with an ability to find the open man, assisting on no less than 7 goals. Many NCAA experts predict the 23-year old to push for a starting role with TFC and at the very least make for very useful depth. Silva, a Los Angeles native, spent some time in the Chivas USA youth set-up and enjoys playing FIFA 08 - his new contract should help him at least get a used copy of FIFA 10.
　
POSSIBLE NICKNAMES: "The Silva Bullet", "Silva of Hope" (thanks to twitter's Darth Pingu for that one), "The Silva Fox" and an extra 20 points to the first broadcaster who announces a Luis Silva-Joao Plata goal combo as "The Silva-Plata"
　
After passing on their greatest need - defence - with the first pick, many TFC observers felt that the club must have known that they could pick up hulking defender Andrew Jean "The" Baptiste. If that was the plan, those wacky lumberjacks in Portland scuppered it by taking Baptiste with the 8th Pick.

With a giant Harden-sized hole remaining in the backline, The Reds seemingly took a gamble with the 12th Pick by taking Notre Dame defender Aaron Maund. The 6-foot 1 Senior was primarily a centreback in his NCAA career and flirted with Trinidad & Tobago's U-17 program. The 22-year old Massachusetts native was not predicted by many to go so high in the draft but with TFC's dearth in the back, he may have a shot at a pro career more abundant than expected. Also, Maund attended a High School called The Roxbury Latin School which sounds like a salsa nightclub - so there's that.
　
POSSIBLE NICKNAMES: "Maundsta","The Long Maund of Rebound", "A-Maund Joy" plus an extra 20 points to the first broadcaster reading a TFC line-up who makes Iro - Maund sound like "Irie, mon"
　
So as the dust settled, Polaroids were taken and Sporting KC fans ended their xenophobic Canada chants, TFC walked off with these two young gents but a whole lot of questions. Firstly, the aforementioned hole in the defence wasn't really addressed; however, at press time (I have a card that says "PRESS" in my fedora ok? Jeez.) the TFC management team were making loud murmurs about two defenders who were about to be signed. Best guesses at their identities are Chilean Miguel Aceval and the return of Richard "GingaNinja" Eckersley which makes us think that this day may be long from over.
　
The second conundrum offered by these picks is that neither are Generation Adidas status which means that their potential salaries will count against TFC's salary cap - which is thought by most to be bursting at the seams. This off course would have only solution - the departure of some existing members of the club. Which makes us think this day is really long from over.
　
NOTES FROM THE SUPERDRAFT...
- L'impact du Montreal Impact chose defender Andrew Wenger with their 1st overall pick which immediately excited the French community who mistakenly thought Arsene Wenger had joined the club
- Whitecaps chose speedy forward Darren Mattocks who was blah, blah, blah - who cares - it's Vancouver
- New England Revolution chose Kelyn Rowe who won't have trouble with crowd phobias in front of the Revs' dozens of fans
- D.C. United's pick, Nick "Ponce" DeLeon, immediately drew the ire of Dwayne De Rosario who demanded a "fountain of youth" in his new contract
- Ethan Finlay, Columbus' 1st Rounder, demanded to know where the other 2/3 of Crew's new away kit was but was placated when he got to meet the three dudes on the club's logo
- Don Garber is still refusing to go by the name Dong Grabber
- News of Kenny Cooper's trade to NYRB being met with the phrase "Salary Cap - Shmalary Cap"

FURTHER TFC DRAFT UPDATES WILL APPEAR BELOW...

Big deal for wee man

2012-01-11T14:31:00.001-05:00

A three-year deal Joao?

"El MosQuito" will be buzzing around BMO Field for the foreseeable future as Toronto FC announced today that Joao Plata has signed a multi-year deal with the club. The dynamic yet diminutive Ecuadorian was often the only bright spark in a miserable first half of 2011 and his re-signing was considered as an off-season must in most supporters' eyes.
　
As per the secretive world of MLS contracts "terms of the deal were not disclosed" so it is yet to be determined if this deal is a full buyout of Plata's contract with original club LDU Quito, or, as reported in many circles, some type of co-ownership deal. Surely the details will emerge soon but for now, most TFC supporters will feel happy, and relieved, that a player who is considered to be an integral part of the club's future will remain in Toronto.
　
Of course, to stay on track after a breakout 2011, Plata will need to keep working hard to avoid any sophomore slump in a league where he will no longer be a surprise. Expectations will also be higher for Platita from fans and coaches alike in 2012 and how he handles such pressures will be the difference between success and failure. One thing that Plata did show in his first year that will surely help is a supreme confidence in his own abilities.
　
A deal not announced but one that is being anticipated with equally bated breath is for similar 2011 loanee Richard Eckersley. There is no shortage of goodwill between the player and the club but many feel that the defender's parent club Burnley will play financial hardball until the end of the European transfer window. Some defensive cover may indeed be on its way however as rumours that Chilean wingback Miguel Aceval is on the verge of joining The Reds are heating further today. With the MLS SuperDraft a mere day away, TFC 2012 is slowly taking shape.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "A woman at the football?"

2012-01-11T08:58:00.004-05:00

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

Hi Stan
I've been dating my girlfriend for two years and am ready to pop the question. I'm thinking of doing it on the Jumbotron at the big TFC match in March - what do you think? Phil - Niagara Falls, ON
　
First of all Phillip, you're from Niagara Falls? Fantastic stuff! Are you a daredevil? Although if you're thinking about marriage... I guess you are! Second of all - what in the name of King George is a Jumbotron? Is this one of those robot elephants those mad Japanese boffins are working on? Magic stuff that. The future is really upon us Phillip - robot elephants, dogs in space... indoor plumbing. A wondrous age. Back to your original question though lad, you surely haven't thought this through... you're wife-to-be won't be at the match will she? A woman at the football? Excellent gag! Jetpacks and electric kettles maybe - ladies at football - not in our lifetime! Happy weddinging!
　
Stan,
Being a man of the world & all I figured you might have some advice on loyalty and where to place it. My problem is that if my favourite footie team changes over the players & coaching staff any more often, they'll have to put a revolving door on the locker room. However, In spite of it all, some players really do show themselves as outstanding in the little time they're given. Do I follow favourite players on their new teams or do I stick by my team even if it's nearly unrecognisable from one season to the next? Marion Lisa - Toronto, ON
　
My dear maiden (Marion, see what Old Stan did there? Great stuff.) without loyalty to one's cherished club - what use is there being a supporter at all? Always had great pride in oneself in regard to loyalty to my teammates and club. Never dreamt of changing club stripes. However, the greatest shame of my career was one night when I was with Huddersfield Town - I had been to a mate’s stag in Paris and got on a night train back to London where we were playing West Ham. After getting off the train I found the stadium and went to the dressing room in a wine fog. The match was starting so I put on our odd new mustard colour away strip and ran to the pitch. It was peculiar though - Bill McGarry had grown a twirly 'tache, Jimmy Glazzard looked like a giant slavic butcher and Ken Taylor was speaking in tongues. It was only at halftime I realized I had got on the wrong train. Still, I had to stay loyal to my club. That was a great few months at Dukla Prague. Europe - what a curious place! Too bad about the foreigners.
　
Hello Stan,
How do you think the Draft is going to go tomorrow? Marco - Thornhill, ON
　
What's this you say my Milanese matey? The draft is coming back tomorrow? Well it's about bloody time says Old Stan. These coddled youth of today should be giving back to their King and country. I see those nogoodniks walking about the shopping precincts with their shaggy hair, denim overalls and portable telephone machines sending blackberries to their unwed mothers. Country is going down the pan so it's about time they brought the draft back. A good old battle will sort them out. Those Soviets won't sit still forever you know! Thanks for letting me know Marco - maybe I can go into town and get a sticky bun in peace. Ooh - maybe a blackberry one. Delicious stuff that. Tally-ho!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

THE STARTING 11: Extra reasons why SkyDome makes a good CCL venue

2012-01-09T09:01:00.008-05:00

The halftime show will be spectacular!

"50,000 fans". This was the mantra repeated ad nauseam during TFC's Dutch Breakfast Extravaganza on Friday regarding the CCL Quarterfinal at SkyDome. There is a great expectation from the club's owners as well as many supporters that the fixture versus LA Galaxy will equal, if not eclipse, Montreal's memorable CCL Big O filler of a few years back. With reasonable pricing and the possibility of midfield lothario/snug boxerbrief aficionado David Beckham appearing, there are many reasons already to buy your tickets by the bushel. However, if you need some last-minute coaxing before ordering your ducats - would you really want to miss memorable SkyDomesque moments like these?
　
11. A cramped Chad Barrett being removed from the field in the back of the Monster Truck "Grave Digger"
　
10. Argos fans milling about downtown failing to see the irony of Toronto FC playing in their stadium
　
9. Tom Henke subbed in for The Reds in the 80th minute to help close off the match
　
8. If Galaxy gets an early lead - the roof "accidentally" opening to the harsh winter elements during halftime
　
7. Ty Harden constantly getting distracted when dribbling the ball over the actual place where Ultimate Warrior beat Hulk Hogan for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania VI
　
6. Expensive chip buttys being made from 100% public funding
　
5. Soccer moms holding silent prayer vigil circle that David Beckham's kit is "retractable"
　
4. World records shattered as streamers reach field from 500 Level
　
3. Bitchy the Hawk hunting - then removing googly eyes - of SkyDome mascot Domer the Turtle
　
2. Joe Carter winning the match with 90th minute penalty kick
　
1. Mo Johnston being spotted nude in SkyDome Hotel window

THE WORD: TFC defence getting a bit Chile?

2012-01-07T14:33:00.000-05:00

Aceval in the hole?

The rumours are boiling out of Chile today that The Reds are about to add a new defender to their ranks. If the Santiago media are to be trusted, then 28-year old centre-left back Miguel Aceval has already agreed on a contract with TFC and the paperwork is in the midst of being finalized by Major League Soccer.
　
While not a household name in these parts, the 6-foot tall Santiago native has had a solid career in the Chilean top tier which began with South American powerhouse Colo-Colo. Aceval spent 2011 with Universidad de Concepcion where he managed 5 goals in 30 appearances. 2011 also marked the defender's first cap with the full Chilean national side in a friendly against Mexico.
　
Early scouting shows that Aceval can play on the left side or in the left-centre of the back four which could mean a covering role to Ashtone Morgan in the vein of Danleigh Borman, or in a best-case scenario - the ability to replace Ty Harden's current starting role at CB. Worst case scenario? Lots more Chile / chili / chilly puns all round!
　
WORD FACTOR: 8 / 10

Dutch pancakes and links

2012-01-06T11:52:00.002-05:00

"Mmm - you can barely taste the clog!"

Toronto FC got the SIXual Healing bandwagon / promotional tour on track today with a breakfast event for season ticket holders in Downtown Toronto. The second year manager Aron Winter held court and was joined by players Danny Koevermans, Stefan Frei and Ashtone Morgan. While the questions from TFC TV's Dan Dunleavy were mostly of the softball variety, some actual news was broken oven the sounds of chewing pannekoek.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE TICKETS:
TFC Director of Business Operations Paul Beirne joined Winter on stage to announce the imminent sale of tickets for the CCL Quarterfinal match against LA Galaxy at SkyDome. The price range will vary wildly from a respectably low $12 to a far too ambitious $69 per seat. Hopefully the lion's share of the tickets will be closer to the $12 dollar range, otherwise the dream of 50,000 attendance (no matter how many times Dunleavy promised that to the players) will be a near impossibilty.

THE RONGEN GUY TO LEAD ACADEMY:
Quite a coup for the club was made today as Winter announced that former USA U-20 coach Thomas Rongen will be the new TFC Academy Director. Amsterdam-native (surprise!) Rongen started his career with Ajax but spent the majority of his pro footballing life bouncing around the wacky world of North American "soccer" in the 80's. His most recent job was as manager of the official "Worst Team in FIFA" American Samoa. However, under Rongen, the American Samoans recorded their first ever international victory with a rag-tag line-up that included a transgendered defender! So that helps in recruitment.

SYRUP ON TOP
The rest of the Q & A went as expected with Winter & Co. lobbing the expected answers to Dunleavy (when he wasn't promising "50,000 screaming fans at Rogers Centre). Most promising was the continued assertion by Winter that Plata and Eckersley are "99%" likely to return. Now we can all just hope that SIXual Healing's mid-season lunch and post-season dinner events are as promising as today's.

Watch the entire TFC breakfast Q & A here...
For fun - do a shot of syrup everytime they say "50,000 fans"

Then watch this sexy Dutch clip...

THE RUMOUMETER - January 6, 2012

2012-01-06T08:00:00.010-05:00

REDS HOT!

MARINER HIGH ON ATTACKING MIDFIELDERS KELYN ROWE (UCLA) AND NICK DE LEON (UNLV) IN MLS SUPERDRAFT?

CHILEAN DEFENDER MIGUEL ACEVAL CLOSE TO TFC SWITCH?

KRZYSTOF KROL ONLY OFFERED PRE-SEASON TRIAL WITH TFC?

BMO FIELD EAST STAND EXPANSION WITH ROOF ON TAP AFTER OFFICIAL EXHIBITION PLACE PLANS REVEALED?

REDS' COACHING STAFF IN RIFT WITH MANAGEMENT OVER SKYDOME TURF OPTION?

SEGUNDA DIVISION DEPORTIVO IN NEW DE GUZMAN RETURN ENQUIRY?

FROZEN PITCH

TFC 2012 TBA no more

2012-01-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

Twice to Montreal? That's handy.

Taking time from their busy schedule of designing dodgy new kits with blasphemous monochromatic badges, only being rumoured to actually sign players and wetting themselves over the possibility of David Beckham's extended stay with LA Galaxy, TFC today released the official 2012 schedule via Major League Soccer. Plan your lives accordingly to the unbalanced mess of a fixture list here.

While there are only minor changes from the leaked version of the schedule that went online a few days ago, the official version does have kick-off times so your drinking can now be planned in advance. Apart from that, we now get a little less Red Bull and a bit more Sporting but are still without a visit from Western Conference giants LA Galaxy, Seattle or Real Salt Lake. Someone at MLS headquarters obviously still believes we can sell out games no matter what. Alas, SIXual Healing now has shape.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "In the middle of your wedding mattress"

2012-01-04T08:00:00.023-05:00

Dear Stan,
My husband and I are years away from retirement and with two young children, have a hard time saving money for retirement. What do you recommend? RRSP's? Love your advice, Tina - Markham, ON
　
The RRSP?! Whatever you do - do not put your hard-earned dosh there lass! Those carpetbaggers took a load of Old Stan's Stirling to invest in deepest Africa's "first men's beard and moustache clinic". Did it ever get built? No chance! The Royal Rhodesian Savings Partnership my foot! Wispy 'taches allover Zanzibar to this day! Do yourself a favour, when your husband lets you touch the money, put it all in mason jars or in the middle of your wedding mattress. However - do not hide it at your gent's place of business. You never know when he may be barred from returning. Somewhere buried under Walsall's Fellows Park is one of my old mattresses - full of mason jars. Still think the bloody Rhodesians were behind my sacking. Keep saving!
　
Hi Stan,
Big TFC fan and I love your column. Here's a little fun thing to do - please finish the following sentence: "I think a woman looks hottest in..." Dean - Burlington, ON
　
Old Stan loves a wee brain twister boy - Dean of whatever University you are Dean of. Alrighty then, here we go... "Stan thinks a woman looks hottest in..." "...the pantry after peeling the carrot and the potatoes have reached a boil with the steam going causing the temperature in the room to rise." You know Dean, pots bubbling, Yorkshire puddings baking, lovely lamb shank stirring in its juices, bit of a sticky toffee pudding for afters. Oh my, this questions has had quite an affect! Who's hot now? Why it's old Stan... for a lovely bit of mutton! Let's smell gas!
　
Stan,
What are your thoughts on Eastern medicine? Terence - Toronto, ON
　
Interested in the mystical world of the East are you Terry? I don't blame you lad, it's quite a magical world that can soothe all kinds of malodourous ailments. I had a terrible turn with a new club once - faced a long spell off with injury. The regular docs had no answers for me so I travelled to the East and popped in and out of small shops and dens having a look for a cure. It was a world of interesting people with a language of their own and digestibles made from the oddest ingredients. Tell you what though - after a couple of months of jellied eels, sausage in batter, giant gherkins, pie & mash with parsley liquor and dark ales - Old Stan was right as night. Ah, that mysterious land. Luckily I was with Charlton at the time so London's East End was only a few stops away on the tube. Cheeky, mystical cockneys! Keep fit Terry!
　
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

Circles... meet calendars. Leaked 2012 TFC schedule plans your year

2012-01-03T22:03:00.000-05:00

You can never find FC Dallas on these damn Mayan calendars!

Considering it's apparently our last year on the planet, people are surprisingly making plans for the next few months. According to the good and diligent folks over at the great Canadian Soccer News - this includes Toronto FC. With Major League Soccer preparing to officially release the schedules soon, a leaked version of SIXual Healing has found it's way online. Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, bar mitzvahs, holy communions and various Pagan rituals? Read this and weep.
　
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE 2011/12
Mar. 7, 2012 vs LA Galaxy CONCACAF Quarter Final
Mar. 14, 2012 at LA Galaxy CONCACAF Quarter Final
March 27-29, 2012 CONCACAF Semi Final
April 3-5, 2012 CONCACAF Semi Final
April 17-19, 2012 CONCACAF Finals
April 24-26, 2012 CONCACAF Finals
　
VOYAGEURS CUP
May 9 Canadian Championship
May 16 Canadian Championship
May 23 Canadian Championship
　
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE 2012/13
July 24-26 CONCACAF Champions League
July 31- Aug. 2 CONCACAF Champions League
Aug. 21-23 CONCACAF Champions League
Aug. 28-30 CONCACAF Champions League
Sept. 18-20 CONCACAF Champions League
Sept. 25-27 CONCACAF Champions League
Oct. 2-4 CONCACAF Champions League
Oct. 23-25 CONCACAF Champions League
　
MLS LEAGUE FIXTURES
Mar. 17, 2012 at Seattle Sounders
Mar. 24, 2012 vs San Jose Earthquake
Mar. 31, 2012 vs Columbus Crew
Apr. 7, 2012 at Montreal Impact
Apr. 14, 2012 vs Chivas USA
Apr. 21, 2012 vs Chicago Fire
Apr. 28, 2012 at Real Salt Lake
May 5, 2012 vs DC United
May 12, 2012 vs Portland Timbers
May 19, 2012 at DC United
May 26, 2012 vs Philadelphia Union
June 16, 2012 at New York Red Bull
June 20, 2012 at Houston Dynamo
June 23, 2012 vs New England Revolution
June 27, 2012 at Montreal Impact
June 30, 2012 vs New York Red Bull
July 4, 2012 at FC Dallas
July 7, 2012 at Philadelphia Union
July 14, 2012 at New England Revolution
July 18, 2012 vs Colorado Rapids
July 21, 2012 vs Chicago Fire
July 28, 2012 vs Houston Dynamo
Aug. 4, 2012 at Chicago Fire
Aug. 8, 2012 vs Vancouver Whitecaps
Aug. 11, 2012 at Columbus Crew
Aug. 18, 2012 at Sporting Kansas City
Aug. 25, 2012 at Houston Dynamo
Sept. 1, 2012 at Sporting Kansas City
Sept. 15, 2012 vs Philadelphia Union
Sept. 22, 2012 at Los Angeles Galaxy
Sept. 29, 2012 at New York Red Bull
Oct. 6, 2012 vs DC United
Oct. 20, 2012 vs Montreal Impact
Oct. 27, 2012 at Columbus Crew
　
Phew. So there. All that before those wacky Mayans get down to their voodoo magic. There are literally months to stew over this chronological jazz. but at first glance some parts of Dong Grabber's redonkulous imbalanced schedule that stand out include:
- a tough season opener at a very difficult Seattle
- a chilly home opener to the Quakes and George Best's frozen ghost
- the inaugural "401 Derby" against Montreal on April 7 and a second chance to use elementary school French on June 27
- a mere six MLS home fixtures during June, July and August
- no TFC visit to Vancouver and no Toronto visit for LA Galaxy (shocker)
- ending the season with two potentially explosive matches against our rival Montreal and our secondary "rival" Columbus
- all fixtures complete before scheduled end of the world

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC New Year's resolutions

2012-01-02T14:12:00.000-05:00

"Wow Jimmy, looks great! Now get it to Anselmi - Chop! Chop!"

That's it - the holidays are over. Take down the lights, put the tree in a chipper and tell the Mayans to bugger off. Nothing but months of sleet, cold and snow to look forward to now... unless you're a TFC supporter! Like a Dutch groundhog, Bob de Klerk has seen his shadow and it's under four weeks until The Reds' return for pre-season. A new year brings with it hope for better things and a fresh start. Much like their supporters though, those involved with Toronto FC aren't immune to making the odd New Year's resolution...
　
11. Nick Soolsma to try and cut down on pre-match catnip
　
10. MLSE to decide on sexy celeb couple name for new owners between "Bellgers", "Rogell" and "Be Ro"
　
9. Torsten Frings to attempt to wear ballcaps forwardly
　
8. Reggie Lambe to try harder not to get upset over bloggers' inability to pass up "lamb" and "Bermuda Triangle" related puns
　
7. BMO Field food services to try and tell people the truth about what's really in Chip Buttys
　
6. Mikael Yourassowsky to try and look less like a comic supervillain
　
5. Jim Brennan to perfect his Mocha Latte
　
4. Training staff to help club lose 180 lbs. / cut Ty Harden
　
3. Aron Winter to not rest until red skinny ties are featured in an issue of Dutch GQ
　
2. Bitchy the Hawk to be less bitchy... more hawky
　
1. Quit sucking

New Year's Eve countdown to success

2011-12-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

Wow, they are happy Thierry Henry's leaving on loan

Mere hours from now, Dick Clark will descend on Manhattan's Times Square riding a fully armed crystal ball where he will fight an army of Mayan warriors bent on destroying the world. Or something to that effect.

　
Yes, 2012 is upon us and while many fear that it is the year that marks the end of civilization, most TFC supporters just hope that it is the year that marks the end of futility. After waiting for what seems like an eternity, signs are pointing to the 2012 Season (aka SIXual Healing) being a memorable one. Anyways, don't remember the Mayans carving any MLS tables into stone tablets. Pfft... Mayans... how many World Cups did they win?
　
As the big ball sets to drop, we thought we'd count down from ten with things that would help usher in a new age of prosperity at BMO Field or at the very least a 2012 playoff berth. But... if there are any defenders in the Mayan SuperLiga looking for a job, give us a call...
　
10! READY BY MARCH: The days of Mo Johnston signing players during the warm-ups of the opening match has to be over as well as dozens of transfers into July. TFC needs a 95% completed roster before the first game of the season
　
9! DE-FENCE: A Harden / Iro combo on opening day is simply unacceptable. A solid D is imperative and while we hope to see Richard Eckersley's return, if it's not to be then the rumours of Geovanny Caicedo, Victor Turcios, Krzysztof Krol and others need to be real
　
8! STEADY DE KOEF: We don't need flashy, we don't need highlight reel - we just need goals. Danny Koevermans needs to continue where he ended 2011 - for the whole season. TFC has yet to have a truly reliable striker over a full year - De Koef needs to be it
　
7! DE GOODZ-MAN: If it happens, the sceptics will crow that it's because he's in the final year of his bloated contract - but, Julian de Guzman needs to have his absolute best season in MLS. He was better once Torsten Frings arrived but needs a year of sustained quality for his and the team's sake
　
6! BIGGIE SMALLS: First he needs to be re-signed but then Joao Plata will have to work hard to avoid the sophomore jinx. Other clubs will be more prepared for him and La MosQuito will have to work hard to be TFC's second strike option
　
5! # 1 AND ONLY: While having two solid keepers is great - Aron Winter will need to have a clear # 1 out of Milos Kocic and Stefan Frei to foster a solid presence in the back. Sadly it could mean one of them moving on
　
4! THINK OF THE CHILDREN: While this year is a priority, everyone knows that Winter & Co's vision is long-term. The sudden departure of Academy Director Stuart Neely left a big void and the right man (i.e. not Earl Cochrane) needs to be hired soon
　
3! BRING THE NOISE: Most supporters noticed that 2011 was lacking in atmosphere at BMO Field. Once the hallmark in MLS for noise, BMO has been surpassed by a number of other grounds and their support. The club needs to work with, not against, supporter "culture" while the fans must also come together to re-energize that 2007 spirit
　
2! TORSTEN IN THE MIDDLE: Der Kapitän was pushed to the centre of defence as an emergency measure late in 2011 but to get the most out of Torsten Frings' abundant talent he need to be able to play in his naturally talismanic role in the centre of the park. While we understand him being forced to cover "Hard-iro" last year, it is a waste of his ability to be the team's engine in the middle
　
1! SAVE THE DRAMA: For the first time ever - TFC needs to get through a year without any dramatic disruptions. No coaching changes, contract disputes, money-grubbing by the owners or dare we say it... Mayan upheavals. A year to concentrate on football - win, lose or draw - so that at the end of 2012 we can look back at our first fully successful season. Or at least say "it's not the end of the world"
　
HAPPY 2012 TO ALL OF OUR READERS... EVEN YOU MAYANS.

THE RUMOUMETER - December 30, 2011

2011-12-30T09:01:00.002-05:00

REDS HOT!

EL SALVADOR INT'L DEFENDER VICTOR TURCIOS TO TRIAL WITH TFC IN JANUARY IF EURO TRIALS FAIL TO LAND HIM CLUB?

EX-CHICAGO FIRE POLISH DEFENDER KRZYSZTOF KROL HEADED TO TORONTO IN JANUARY?

3-YEAR JOAO PLATA SHARED CONTRACT TO BE FINALIZED AFTER NEW YEAR?

LDU QUITO DEFENDER GEOVANNY CAICEDO TO JOIN TFC ON YEAR LONG LOAN?

SERBIAN SIDE FK VOJVODINA SNIFFING AROUND TFC ACADEMY PROSPECT STEFAN VUKOVIC?

SCUNTHORPE LEADING CHASE FOR ECKERSLEY?

REDS' FRUSTRATION AT LACK OF QUALITY OFFERS FROM MLS CLUBS FOR STEFAN FREI?

PROPOSED PABLO VITTI RETURN TO TFC DIED QUICKLY WHEN PLAYER'S AGENT REVEALED HIGH SALARY EXPECTATION?

FROZEN PITCH!

Earl Cochrane's GM legacy complete as Sturgis heads to Houston

2011-12-28T22:09:00.000-05:00

Currently considering trading TFC Academy for magic beans

For a brief period a little over a year ago, Earl Cochrane was in charge of Toronto FC lock, stock and Barrett. While Jurgen Klinsmann was busy searching the planet for the management team that would eventually be headed by Aron Winter, Cochrane had the keys to the player cabinet and even seemed to be in the running to grab the permanent GM job. Then of course he made his blockbuster deal.
　
After being left exposed for the Expansion Draft, MLS depth midfielder-defender Nathan Sturgis was selected by Vancouver in the Third Round of said draft. At some point over the following 24 hours, Earl Cochrane thought to himself that a player who at best would be considered depth at most MLS clubs, and had been left exposed in the Expansion Draft, suddenly became worthy of Toronto FC's 2011 SuperDraft First Round pick. Whitecaps, likely after their fit of giggles ended, jumped at the deal and Sturgis became a Red.
　
From the get-go, Sturgis seemed about as happy in interviews to be in Toronto as fans were to see the club's top pick go cross-country for him. While Caps' pick Michael Nanchoff has yet to bloom, if TFC would have held their pick they could currently own the likes of Fire defender Jalil Anibaba, MLS Rookie of the Year C.J. Sapong or promising Houston striker Will Bruin. Instead, The Reds got one year out of Sturgis who never came close to fitting into Winter's system and his 14 appearances went from mediocre to downright apathetic.
　
Tonight, Cochrane's grand experiment playing GM went full circle as Sturgis was traded to Houston Dynamo for those useless nuggets known as MLS Conditional Draft Picks - likely what he was worth one year ago. Why Cochrane was even allowed to be making deals in the midst of "an exhaustive GM search" we will never know but perhaps the deal will forever symbolize the "blind leading the blind" management style of TFC circa 2007-2010. At least we hope.
　
Oh... did we mention that Earl Cochrane is currently the "interim" Academy Director? Just sayin'.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Toss it all on the rubbish heap"

2011-12-28T11:16:00.000-05:00

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"

Hi Stan,
I'm trying to organize an epic New Year's Eve party. What's your most memorable New Year? Looking for inspiration! Chris - Toronto, ON
　
Old Stan loves a good New Year's bash! Most memorable one though? Let's have a think. Well one year my old Watford team mates Sammy Chung - you remember him, funny little Half-Englishman / Half-Chineseman - told me to visit him in the proud British colony of Hong Kong. It's a long flight on that BOAC DC-7 from Heathrow with connections in Constantinople, Bombay and Ceylon. I'm not the most patient flyer (despite the trolley dollys) so I had my chemist stir me up a pre-flight powdered elixir which I had with a G&T somewhere over Persia. By time Old Stan landed in Hong Kong I was still floating on clouds. Jumped in a rickshaw outside the airport and ended up in downtown HK - saw a place all lit up called "The Crystal Palace". Never been in a place so smoky. It definitely wasn't Selhurst Park. Chinese bird gave be a drink... I woke up sometime in mid-February. Don't remember nowt else about it. Very memorable.
　
Dear Stan,
I've put on a few extra pounds over Christmas. As a former professional footballer, how would you recommend going about shedding the fat? Thanks. Ron - Grimsby, ON
　
First of all, take what all these so called "experts" and "doctors" say and toss it all on the rubbish heap. One - stop eating all those fruits and greens! Full of useless sugars and belly-busting roughage. Hair of the dog Ronald! Start the day with a Full English fry-up, a healthy portion of chips with a battered sausage at lunch, a cup of jellied eels if you're peckish at tea-time then a nice roast beef supper. After all that, get your callisthenics in with a run down to your local; down a few pints of bitter; have a light jog home. Then - get out your film camera and watch the newsreel of the disgraceful 1959 FA Cup Final where Forest robbed Luton Town of the trophy. That's enough to make the most ironclad stomach sick all over. You'll feel thin in no time chubbsy!
　
Stan,
I have a wedding to attend in January and wonder if I should buy something from the couple's wedding registry or go for something more personal? Marg - Syracuse, NY
　
Why have I not heard of this? There is a central Couple's Wedding Registry? Orwell was right! Bloody communists - first firing a dog into the moon now they're tagging and tracking nuptials? Bastards! Well, since this wedding must be on the wrong side of the Berlin Wall I would recommend getting the unhappy couple a bucket and spade, a mining helmet, a pole vaulting set or a hot air balloon. Trick is hiding it all inside a cake. Bloody Stasi are nosey Parkers. If not - just get the groom earplugs. Even behind the Iron Curtain - a wife is still a wife. Cheers!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

THE STARTING 11: TFC Christmas gifts

2011-12-26T11:37:00.001-05:00

Happy Boxing Day!

Boxing Day... not only the one day of the year that Maxim Usanov celebrates his hero, Soviet-era pugilist Ivan Drago, but the day where you look at all of your Christmas gifts and ask your loved ones... "do you still have the receipt?" It's not always quite as easy as gently hinting that the new Cosby sweater your dear Aunt Nora gave you "isn't quite you" though. When you get a gift from your boss for example, you often just have to grin and bear it. Even for our dear local football men The Toronto FC'ers - sometimes a forced grin and a thanks through gritted teeth has to be given when MLSE drops off their prezzies...
　
11. A GPS system for Andy Iro and Ty Harden with TFC's backline listed as "Home"
　
10. Marlies tickets all around
　
9. Giant sudoku book for Nathan Sturgis to pass the time while riding the bench next year
　
8. "I LOVE CANADA" T-Shirts for Jacob Peterson (stuck in customs)
　
7. A pack of limited edition orange Lamborghini ShamWows for Julian de Guzman
　
6. 34 skinny red ties for Aron Winter
　
5. The new Adidas platform shoe / football boot "Los Gigantos" for Joao Plata
　
4. A treasure map to the whereabouts of Elbekay Bouchiba
　
3. The full "Jingle Cats" Anthology for Nick Soolsma
　
2. A "# 1" jersey mistakenly given to both Kocic and Frei
　
1. A year's supply of black backwards caps for Torsten Frings

"Glory To Torsten Frings"

2011-12-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

"Torsten played in ~~Bethlehem~~ Bremen"

SkyDome is being hung with wreaths, Stan Bentley has put on his festive gentleman's loungewear, The Rumoumeter is frozen this week by TFC's lack of activity and Collin Samuel just ate all the stuffing. With the holidays upon us, we want to take the time to join together with you, our cherished readers, for a classic Christmas carol sing-a-long in the key of "Hark The Herald Angels Sing"... but with a Bavarian twist.
　
"GLORY TO TORSTEN FRINGS"
　
Hark the drunken Reds' fans sing
"Glory to Torsten Frings!
Black tattoos and hair so wild
The midfield has been reconciled"
Joyful, all the sections cheer
Joining triumph, spilling beer
BMO Field in harmony...
"The saviour came from Germany"
Hark! The drunken Reds' fans sing
"Glory to Torsten Frings!"

Captain's armband he does wear
MLS forwards now beware!
Late in summer he arrived
The CCL we then survived
Came from Bremen on a free
Veiled in ballcap backwardly
Happy owners with star to sell
Frings, our DP plays so well
Hark! The drunken Reds' fans sing
"Glory to Torsten Frings!"
　
Hail the German midfield rock!
Other midfields we now mock!
Heart to TFC he brings
Tackling from the mid to wings
Playing hard's what he demands
Opening space for Koevermans
A World Cup hero yes it's true
The Captain in shirt 22
Hark! The drunken Reds' fans sing
"Glory to... Torsten Frings!"
　
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL OF OUR READERS!

Roof - There it is!

2011-12-21T15:26:00.001-05:00

"This ain't our house!"

One of the worst kept cats in town is apparently out of the bag this afternoon. No, Nick Soolsma didn't visit the Humane Society - but John Molinaro at Sportsnet is reporting that Toronto FC will imminently announce that the Champions League Quarterfinal against LA Galaxy will be played at SkyDome.
　
The location of the big match-up between the MLS rivals has been argued back and forth between SkyDome (aka The New Owner's Centre) and BMO Field since the March 7th fixture was announced. Opinion has been fairly split down the middle between those who see SkyDome's 50K seats and warm confines in chilly March as the perfect recipe for a big event. On the other side of the coin, many purists, including TFC's Paul Mariner, sought the home field advantage (no matter what the temperature) of The Reds' own BMO Field.
　
It is uncertain if the recent ownership change which includes Rogers and their handy convertible stadium helped along the situation but as with all things MLSE - this deal will be about revenue and not "match experience". MLSE has proven a ghastly inability for marketing the Champions League and will no doubt be unable to resist the temptation to overprice tickets at SkyDome. While a 50K papering of the stadium a la Montreal Impact's Big O experience is possible - we will bet on an apathetic mid-20K's attendance which will look and sound bush league in the cavernous confines of the CN Tower's loose partner.
　
Supporters groups will apparently be housed in SkyDome's lower south end and will no doubt bring their A-Game but as anyone who has experienced other footy matches at the stadium will know - one loud area won't make up for thousands of empty, overpriced seats. It will be up to MLSE to prove us wrong and market (as well as price) this match correctly. Now... if we could just sign two defenders, an attacking midfielder and another striker we could get in the spirit of the CCL season.

UPDATE: The official announcement from TFC...

Look out for President Obama at the 1:00 mark... dude loves the CCL

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Care for her, pamper her and listen to her needs"

2011-12-21T11:23:00.000-05:00

　
Hi Stan,
I have to attend a Christmas party this week but I have a problem. My ex will be there too and it will be the first time I've seen her in ages. Should I talk to her or just keep my distance? It will be so awkward! Niko - Richmond Hill, ON
　
Pish posh, jolly old Saint Niko - time to forgive and forget over the Holidays! But, if you think that's awkward - you should have seen Old Stan's face back in '65 at the Bristol Rovers alumni Christmas do. We had to put on a pantomime for all the kiddies in the crowd and of course I was asked to play one of the wise men. Now who should end up next to me as bloody Balthazar but tricky outside left Peter Hooper?! I dropped my myrrh all over me curly boots. Peter and I never got along see - and now we had to tend to the tiny Messiah together! Now that's awkward. Silly old Hooper - played internationally for Kenya of all countries! Kenya! Didn't even know they had football outside of elephants kicking them about for tourists. Pachyderms - marvellous beasts, Niko. Tough hides, good memories and can dribble a novelty football. More than I can say about that bastard Hooper. Glad that set you straight.
　
Dear Stan,
I really enjoy your column and am very impressed with your wise and insightful answers. Tell us, what was the best relationship advice you ever received? Keep up the good work! Judy - Toronto, ON
　
Oh lass - flattery will get you everywhere (send me a telegram with your local telephone exchange directory) I'm happy to pass on some sage advice I once got - from a medical professional no less! It helped me keep the fires of my most rewarding relationship last well into her golden years. I was told: "Care for her, pamper her and listen to her needs. Cherish her as your trusted friend and she will never leave your side. Buy her the finest cuts of beef and be sure to keep her coat shiny and soft" Oh Gladys... she was with Old Stan well into her 80's. Which is about 12 in people years for Golden Retrievers. That vet also told me some advice about ringworm but I didn't write down that bit. Stay in touch Judith!
　
Hello Stan,
I'm a terrible last minute shopper and have no idea what to buy my brother for Christmas! As a "gent" yourself, could you share your Christmas wish list with us to help give me some ideas? Thanks and Merry Christmas! Tina - Barrie, ON
　
Bit of a procrastinator are you Tina? Well I wouldn't normally do this but since you sound like a bit of a go'er here is a sampling of the list I send in the Royal Mail to the women in my life...

a gentleman's moustache comb and facial hair wax kit
ivory
sensible underpants (sanctioned by the Royal Air Force)
an anonymous lump of coal sent to that bastard Peter Hooper
opium
an evening dressing gown (in brushed flannel or mink)
the telephone number to Chris Waddle's barber
a boat
an invite to a Stewardess Party
Peace on Earth and/or a new hunting rifle

Any of those 10 things will surely suit any man in your life Tina. By the way, any chance you work for an airline?
　
Merry Christmas to all of my readers… and the sexy stews out there. God Bless you all... especially Air France girls.
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

THE STARTING 11: TFC TV Holiday Specials

2011-12-19T11:12:00.000-05:00

The Netherlands' # 1 feline holiday celebrity - Suarez Soolsma

One of the great things about the Holiday Season is the nightly treat of festive television specials. From claymation to variety specials and all things puppet-related in-between, December is a cornucopia of sugary TV treats. Now that our dear playoff-phobic elves Toronto FC are 75% owned by broadcast giants, it is inevitable that in the name of "content", The Reds will join this Yuletide tradition. With Sportsnets, GolTV's and TSNesses to be stuffed like stockings; TFC will be expected to put out their share of quality family holiday entertainment...

　
11. The Ontario Teachers' Pension Fund presents: "Scrooge" - a BellGlobe Media / Rogers Communications Co-Production
　
10. "Deck the Jeremy Hall"
　
9. "Bob de Klerk'sh Shexshy Amshterdam Krishtmash"
　
8. "Collin Samuel Eats Your Turkey"
　
7. Dwayne De Rosario's "I'll be Home... then in New York... then in D.C. for Christmas"
　
6. "Adrian Cann's Really, Really, Good-Looking Seasonal Soiree"
　
5. "Miracle on 34 Points"
　
4. "The Nutcracker: Mikael Yourassowsky Slide Tackles Santa"
　
3. "Elf - Joao Plata's Christmas in Quito"
　
2. "The Jacob Peterson All-American Freedom Xenophobic X-mas Jamboree" brought to you by Ford F-150, the National Rifle Association and Our Lord - The Baby Jesus Christ
　
1. "St. Nick Soolsma's Meowy Christmas for Cats"

THE RUMOUMETER - December 16, 2011

2011-12-16T09:55:00.000-05:00

REDS HOT!

STEFAN FREI LIVERPOOL TRAINING STINT ALSO A SHOWCASE FOR HANDFUL OF ENGLISH CHAMPIONSHIP CLUBS?

TOSCHAK AND NEELY DEPARTURES SEEN AS POWER MOVES BY ARON WINTER TO PUT HIS OWN MEN IN SENIOR POSITIONS?

TFC LOOKING AT JOAO PLATA'S FORMER LDU QUITO TEAMMATE GEOVANNY CAICEDO AS DEFENSIVE COVER?

TRIO OF ENGLISH LEAGUE ONE CLUBS LINING UP JANUARY TRANSFER BIDS FOR ECKERSLEY?

JIM BRENNAN, DANNY DICHIO ACADEMY POSITIONS ON THIN ICE?

FROZEN PITCH!

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Before you know it - a lovely pie!"

2011-12-14T11:20:00.000-05:00

　
Dear Stan,
I am really enjoying FIFA 12, but I find it damn near impossible to adjust from Semi-Pro difficulty to Professional difficulty. I can't seem to defend that well in Professional difficulty and it's really hard for me to get a shot on goal. What kind of expertise would you give for this situation? Michael - Oakville, ON
　
Pip-pip Michael, you have struck a real chord with Old Stan with this one. The boys down at FIFA are a jolly good bunch and I've spent more than a few Sunday afternoons knee-deep with them. It's been a while so I didn't realize they instituted a Semi-Pro and Professional classification but I assume it has something to do with the size of the catch? "Shot on goal" is also a funny term for getting a biggun but they all end up "in a net" - so I like it! I'm still mates with prolific striker Ray Crawford and some other chaps down in Suffolk so if you like, I can get some of the lads from FIFA (The Federation of Ipswich Fly Anglers) to give you a ring on the blower. Keep fishing Michael!
　
Hi Stan,
I'm really not much of a gourmet but need to whip up a holiday dinner. Can you please give me your best recipe? Much appreciated - Len - Auburn Hills, MI
　
It's true Len, Stan loves a good slap-up meal. I've had the privilege of eating in some fine establishments anywhere from Torquay to Carlisle. Here's a recipe for a winner... "Bentley's Christmas Pie". First the ingredients...
- 2 bushels of leeks; a quart of high-quality Thames eels; a half-yard of streaky bacon; a pint of Derbyshire Cream; a farmer's hat of crumbled barley; and, a pinch of Yugoslavian brandy.
- Once you've got these ingredients, tell your wife and/or secretary where they are; then, find a good film to watch on the telly; and before you know it - a lovely pie!
- Serves 3 to 17 people. Enjoy!
　
Stan,
I've recently started online dating. I've been chatting with a woman for a while now but a bit worried about taking it farther. She looks great in her profile, we are both TFC fans and seem to get along really well. Just wondering if you know of any checks I can do before agreeing to meet. Thanks for your help, love your column.... Trey - Mississauga, ON
　
Checks? You've come to the right place Trey. Is that short for Treymond by the way? Hey-ho, Stan knows about meeting new ladies on the line. I used to take the Metropolitan Line tube up to Watford most match days. Lovely ginger bird used to get on at Finchley Road station. I could tell she liked the look of Old Stan and so I offered her a boiled sweet and got chatting. Let's just say that before the train reached Harrow-on-the-Hill, Stan was an expert in dating on the line. Huzzah! If you want to be careful though boy, ask this new lass to show you her passport, a letter from her vicar and a notarized record of her recent vaccinations. Reminds me, have to pop out and get an ointment from the chemist. That night out after the friendly against Sparta Prague is still haunting me. Czechs! Good luck, Treymond.
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

THE STARTING 11: Ways that TFC will be different under Bell and Rogers

2011-12-12T11:11:00.000-05:00

"Ugh, my iPhone is stuck on the UNHOLY setting"

The dust has settled over Bay Street since Friday's dramatic announcement that Bell and Rogers were buying major shares of Maple Leaf Sports and "Entertainment". A few things became evident by watching the glad-handing press conference: Bell and Rogers may be in bed over this deal - but they do not enjoy each other's company; the deal is 99% about getting corporate boxes at Leafs games; and, TFC are the equivalent of "the player to be named later" in the deal. Our beloved Reds were indeed little more than an asterix during the presser, with Larry Tanenbaum even having to be reminded of the name of the league's trophy. In fairness "MLS Cup" is pretty difficult to remember. Despite TFC not being the jewel of the MLSE crown, the ownership change will bring inevitable changes to BMO Field....
　
11. Referees' whistle replaced with Rogers' "Da-da-dum-dum" noise
　
10. Chip Buttys now available on the iPhone
　
9. TFC supporters legally allowed to mock Whitecaps fans that "we own 37.5% of your shirts"
　
8. Bob de Klerk constantly haranguing fans over the benefits of Fibre Optic Internet service
　
7. Sportsnet and TSN anchors to bare-knuckle box during halftime
　
6. TFC's Front Office replaced by Indian call centre
　
5. Jim Brennan comes to your house to install your PVR
　
4. Extra Time to be anytime during 9AM and 5PM
　
3. Ty Harden to be dealt for spool of coaxial cable
　
2. BMO Field security allowed to "bundle your package"
　
1. Soolsma On Demand

THE RUMOUMETER - December 9, 2011

2011-12-09T12:46:00.000-05:00

REDS HOT!

NEW OWNERSHIP DEAL PAVES WAY FOR SKYDOME CCL - OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT EARLY NEXT WEEK?

IMMINENT JOAO PLATA CONTRACT TO BE SPLIT 50/50 BETWEEN TFC AND LDU QUITO?

REDS AGGRESSIVELY TRYING TO PACKAGE FREI AND 1ST ROUND PICK FOR ESTABLISHED MLS CB?

2011 DRAFT PICK EFRAIN BURGOS JR. IN REDS' PICTURE FOR 2012?

WAS STUART NEELY ACTUALLY NUDGED OUT OF TFC ACADEMY ROLE?

BURNLEY WANT FULL VALUE TRANSFER FEE FOR RICHARD ECKERSLEY?

ARON WINTER IDENTIFIED POTENTIAL NEW HEAD OF TFC ACADEMY DURING RECENT

TRIP TO THE NETHERLANDS?

FROZEN PITCH!

Rogers and Bell bundle their package

2011-12-09T10:51:00.000-05:00

"Your call is important to us... please hold."

At the end of day there was no Arab Sultanate, no oil-rich Russian oligarch or even any American financiers. No, like a giant, wireless Voltron-like creature - Canada's two largest media giants, and bitter rivals, Rogers and Bell joined forces today to purchase 75% of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment. The deal which will see the much-maligned Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan receive $1.2 Billion dollars suddenly creates one of North America's largest sports and media conglomerates along the lines of the Time-Warner Network and the YES Network - the New York Yankees based sports broadcast giant.
　
MLSE will still exist in name with Larry Tanenbaum managing to up his hold on the company to 25% while also holding on to his title of club governor to the NHL, NBA and MLS. Rogers and Bell will both own 37.5% of the company respectively while also agreeing behind the scenes on future broadcast sharing plans. While Rogers claims that their existing ownership of the Toronto Blue Jays is not officially part of this deal - in theory, an entity with many tentacles now controls four local sports clubs, three sporting facilities, valuable downtown real estate and a near monopoly over regional sports broadcast rights. It is a monumental deal no matter how you feel about its future prospects.
　
There will be advantages to the new structure once the OTPP officially hands over power next summer. MLSE will stay in Canadian hands, something which will please the patriots in the crowd; there will be revolutionary advances in wireless media options available to fans of the Leafs, Raptors and TFC; the continuing presence of Larry Tanenbaum will keep a fulcrum of power between the two faceless media giants; and, perhaps a silver lining for the sports fans, is the feeling that for the broadcasters to make the most profit out of this deal, their teams will need to be competitive and for the most part - winners.
　
On the other side of the coin of course there are fears. Did one giant anonymous profit-driven group step aside to be replaced by two anonymous profit driven groups? Will bitter rivals Bell and Rogers, as well as the mercurial Tanenbaum, eventually butt heads creating and air of chaos at MLSE? Is the groundwork being laid for a premium cost regional cable network which will house the broadcast rights for all of MLSE's clubs at a heavy cost to fans' wallets? Truly, only time will tell.
　
Being that our only real concern in this deal is the effect on Toronto FC, feelings are mixed. There will be the natural fear to think that TFC will now drop from its place as 3rd most important club down to 4th (with the Jays joining the family) and this may indeed be the case. However, the real aspect to watch will be if the groundwork being laid by TFC as a club, such as the Academy program etc., will be honoured going forward. You would have to hope that much of the structure of TFC as it exists now will be preserved but listening to Rogers' President Nasir Mohammed continually failing to mention TFC at today's press conference, as well as Tanenbaum forgetting the name of the MLS Cup, was worrying. The Leafs and Raptors were trumpeted as the jewels of the deal - let's hope TFC aren't relegated down to a multicultural marketing tool for cell phones and little else.
　
At the end of the day, things may not end up looking that different. Will the ownership still be a faceless unaccountable boardroom? Yes. Will we pay increasingly higher prices to attend matches as well as watch them at home? Yes. Will this deal really help bring trophies to the city's beleaguered sports fans? Rogers and Bell Customer Service is standing by.... please hold.

Reds mint midfielder Lambe

2011-12-07T16:21:00.003-05:00

A Lambe in Reds' clothing

Not baaaaad! Sorry, we promise that is one of the last couple of dozen lamb jokes we make... today. All for good reason though, as Toronto FC officially announced their first new recruit for 2012 today - tricky, young midfielder Reggie Lambe.
　
The 20-year old Bermudian international has been flirting with the English Championship since signing with Ipswich Town's youth program in 2009 - two years after his international debut with Bermuda at 16. Lambe is known for his agility and creativity but will need to disprove the usual naysayers who will point to his small frame in relation to the rough and tumble MLS.
　
After being cut loose by Ipswich earlier this year, Lambe appeared on Paul Mariner's radar - one that has quite a reach into the Caribbean football community. For Aron Winter, Lambe may prove to be a versatile addition to the roster who can fill in on the wing and sometimes in the centre of the park. "We are very happy to add a young and talented player like Reggie Lambe" said the Dutch Head Coach who then sadly failed to add "Lambe will have to show us his chops".
　
　
Up next... a special report - "Bermudian Midfielders: Masters of The Triangle Offence"
　
We already love you Reggie.... from a purely pun-related place.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "A wink, a nod and an extra lump of sugar"

2011-12-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Dear Stan,
I'm very attracted to a woman who I work with and get the feeling she feels the same. My office has a strict policy against co-workers dating but I really want to ask her out. What do you think of workplace romances? Thanks, Steve - Etobicoke, ON
　
Getting a little amorous between the filing cabinetry are we boy? Having a slice of ladycake where you get paid is always a sticky wicket lad. Back when I played for Barnet, there was a tea lady in the cafe at Underhill Stadium. Let's just say she gave Old Stan a wink, a nod and an extra lump of sugar in his cuppa... a real go'er in other words. After a team luncheon one day, I was going to ask her up the West End with me to the pictures. I'd just put down my bacon butty and was strolling over when the manager, Ted Crawford, grabbed me by the earhole and warned me off of any shenanigans. I steered clear, but the tea lady wasn't all too pleased with my sudden lack of interest. Couldn't get a proper cuppa for weeks. Went on the instant chicory coffee instead. Got the runs something awful... bloody Colombians. Good luck boy-o!
　
Hi Mr. Bentley,
I have to go to a potluck holiday dinner but have no idea what kind of dish to bring. Since I'm known amongst the guests as the resident Toronto FC nut, I thought I'd make something footy inspired. Any suggestions? Will - Maple, ON
　
Cheerio Willy! First of all, no need to call me Mr. Bentley - Sir will do fine. You’ve come to the right place chappie, Stan here is known as quite the gastronomic enthusiast and over the years has noted many standout dishes offered throughout the grounds of this great nation. Get your wife and/or secretary on one of these recipes right away... Being a winter party, you can't go wrong with lovely cup of bone-warming Bovril Mixture. That lovely brown libation goes down a treat on the terraces and would be the hit of any party! If you want to go a bit more up-market then I've got two words for you - seafood. Trot down to your fishmonger and go for jellied eels, some cockles & mussels or a lovely tin of smoked kippers. Stan starts off most mornings with a lovely dose of kippers. "Sausage of the Sea" they are. Empty tin of those on your nightstand will get the wife and/or secretary up and into the kitchen. Salutations!
　
Hi Stan,
I've got a problem. I'm getting married next summer and my fiancée has chosen a date right in the middle of the Euro 2012 tournament in Poland & Ukraine. How can I gently persuade her to move it? Rocco - Hamilton, ON
　
You are in quite the muddle aren't you pal? My first reaction is that weddings come and go but the Pan-European Footballing Championships only happen every four years. A real non-starter honestly. However, I think you may be mistaken... the Ukraine? Surely the tournament can't take place in the Soviet breadbasket! Are you sure that's not the East European Tractor Championships Rocco? If it is indeed being held in that wheat-filled gulag then your problems are solved. Just schedule your nuptials during the USSR vs. East Germany match. Khrushchev will never let the GDR leave with a win and either way, the television pictures won't be beamed over the Iron Curtain for days. East Germany - terrible football team, but the Trabant is a neat little motor. Congrats to you and your lovely wife-to-be.
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC related programming for MLSE's proposed network

2011-12-05T13:55:00.000-05:00

Theo and Danleigh Borman. Pre-Re-Entry Draft.

After testing the market for a potential sale of its MLSE assets, The Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan recently decided to take the sports and "entertainment" monolith off the market. Funny that four flailing sports teams without a major trophy (sorry NutCan) between them couldn't tempt a multi-billionaire. Oh well, recession and all of that. Stuck with their product but still looking to maximize revenue (we know, you are shocked), MLSE has floated the idea of setting up a premium regional cable TV network which in theory would house its clubs. One of the problems with such a venture is what this proposed network would show when a game wasn't on-air - especially programming to keep TFC supporters tuned in...

11. "Survivor: Re-Entry Draft"

10. "Dancing With de Klerks"

9. "North American Horror Story: MLS Kits of 1996"

8. "Coffee Talk - with Jimmy Brennan!"

7. "Still Waiting to be a Millionaire" with Dwayne De Rosario

6. "Iron Chef: Chef Samuel vs. Chef Gerba"

5. "Torsten Frings Stares at you for 22 Minutes"

4. "Tiny, Tiny, Tiny Talent Time" with Joao Plata

3. Danleigh Borman Presents: Re-runs of The Cosby Show to the sounds of Boyz II Men

2. "Cat Chat!" with Nick Soolsma and his kitty-cat Suarez

1. "Adrian Cann's Next Top Model"

And to our departing friend Danleigh Borman. May your days in New England be bright and may all your re-runs of Fresh Prince and Cosby be accompanied by accapella Philly harmony...

THE RUMOUMETER - December 2, 2011

2011-12-02T09:40:00.002-05:00

REDS HOT!

REGGIE LAMBE TO SIGN WITH TFC IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS?

MLSE LOOKING TO CREATE REGIONAL CABLE TV NETWORK FOR LEAFS, RAPTORS AND TFC?

BURNLEY PLAYING HARDBALL OVER ECKERSLEY LOAN EXTENSION?

REDS TRACKING GAMBIAN KEEPER PA DEMBO TOURAY AS POSSIBLE STEFAN FREI REPLACEMENT?

IMPACT AIMING TO DRAW 50K AT THE BIG "O" FOR "401 DERBY" VS. TFC?

BMO FIELD TO BE EXPANDED TO 25K SEATS TO ACCOMODATE MAPLE LEAFS OUTDOOR MATCH?

ISRAELI STRIKER ROBERTO COLAUTTI ON TORONTO FC RADAR?

FROZEN PITCH!

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Sweet and sour pork with a side of chips"

2011-11-30T12:10:00.001-05:00

　
Hi Stan,
My wife has a bad habit of making big decisions around our home without consulting me first. How can I get her to change this?
Rick - Dundas, ON
　
Well Richard, me old duck, a strong partnership with good open communication is a hard thing to come by, believe me! I had a lovely partnership with striker Sammy Chung at Watford. Funny little bloke he was... Half-Chinese and Half-an-Englishman... who ever heard of such a thing?! Great right foot though. We combined for 5 goals one night against Blackpool - magic stuff. Sammy had me over to his place for some grub after that one - never forget it. We had sweet and sour pork with a side of chips! Now that's a partnership that works! Glad to help.
　
Hello Mr. Bentley,
I'm a TFC season ticket holder and a huge footy fan. I want to get my 5-year old son interested in the sport but he doesn't seem too keen - what can I do to get him involved? Kevin - Brampton, ON
　
First of all Kevin, if you're this lad's father, he should do what you say. Children should be seen, not heard. Man up, boy! My dear old Pa gave me and my brothers a choice: work on our football, join the army or get down the mines before our 12th birthday. Did us no harm - look where I am today! Same goes for my brothers Colonel Roy Bentley and wee Frankie "Black Lung" Bentley... God rest his soul. Kids are people too! Make them work.
　
Hi there Stan,
I recently broke-up with my girlfriend and now can't help think that I may have lost "the one". How do I get over it? JR - Toronto, ON
　
Well "JR" (what you are junior of I don't know), Old Stan lives by one iron-clad rule... NO REGRETS! Don’t look back lad, look forward to new adventures. If this relationship was "the one" it wouldn't have turned into an old worn boot. A bit like my best pair of football boots. My dear Ma bought them for me when I was on trial at Barnsley. They were a perfect fit for me. We went everywhere together, it's like they understood my every move. I had the best times of my life with them... I loved those old boots... should have never given them up. Oh, how I regret that. All the best Junior.
　
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

TFC deck the Hall with new defender... leave Borman exposed to Re-Entry Draft

2011-11-30T12:07:00.000-05:00

Soon to be heading in the same direction

Toronto FC got into the holiday shopping mood on Tuesday with the acquisition of defender Jeremy Hall. The 23-year old Florida native arrives from FC Dallas after previous MLS stops with Portland and New York. Primarily a right back, Hall was the 11th overall pick in the 2009 MLS SuperDraft and provides The Reds with a little more depth on the corners of their back line.
　
TFC sent their 2013 SuperDraft 2nd Round pick to Texas in exchange, a move which would surprise few Aron Winter observers. The year-old management team has made no bones about putting most of their development eggs in the Academy basket which in turn makes the MLS draft something of a bonus. If TFC's Academy can continue to produce solid MLS players then draft picks like this 2013 2nd Rounder can be exchanged for ready-made pieces from clubs who aren't as advanced in developing their own talent without the aid of the NCAA.

The club also announced later that the only player on the current squad who will be made available in this year's MLS re-entry draft is Danleigh Borman. Considering Jeremy Hall and Borman play similar roles, it isn't a stretch to believe that the affable South African and his International roster spot are endangered in Toronto. No word if Borman's insistence on listening to Boyz II Men or watching Cosby Show re-runs affected the decision.

THE STARTING 11: Gameday differences between Toronto FC and Montreal Impact

2011-11-28T11:12:00.004-05:00

That's one delicious seat cushion

Bienvenue à la "401 Derby"! With the new improved Stade Saputo (aka L'Emporium de Fromage) under construction and the bones of the squad starting to come together via the MLS Expansion Draft, TFC's natural rival, Montreal Impact, are inching towards life in the big leagues. The derbys between Toronto and Montreal will no doubt be some of the fiercest contests in the league. Due to the many layers of the provincial rivalry, comparisons between the two clubs will be rampant, including how the gameday experiences match-up...

11. Impact supporters sections outnumbered by smoking sections

10. Early-season frostbite in both official languages

9. One section of stadium constantly threatening to separate and start their own club

8. Tons of inflammatory chanting proclaiming St. Hubert's superiority over Swiss Chalet

7. Instead of Bitchy the Hawk, a dude named Claude sits on Stade Saputo's roof and reads angst-filed poetry at pigeons

6. 40% higher reports of baguette-related assaults

5. $10 glass of red wine

4. Referees often replaced by wacky cast of "Just For Laughs Gags"

3. After scoring the first goal, fans plan on showering the pitch with empty Jos. Louis wrappers

2. Scotts' Turf Girls replaced by mime troupe pushing imaginary lawnmowers over pitch

1. Le Butty Poutine

THE RUMOUMETER - November 25, 2011

2011-11-25T10:11:00.000-05:00

REDS HOT!

PABLO VITTI TO MAKE TFC RETURN?

CCL AT SKYDOME NEARLY A DONE DEAL?

STEFAN VUKOVIC TO GRADUATE FROM TFC ACADEMY TO FIRST TEAM?

NUMEROUS TEAMS, INCLUDING MONTREAL, CHASING STEFAN FREI?

JDG TALKING TO SPANISH SEGUNDA DIVISION DEPORTIVO LA CORUNA?

LDU QUITO WARMING TO JOAO PLATA LOAN EXTENSION?

ARON WINTER USING AJAX MEMBERS' COUNCIL TRIP TO PERSONALLY EVALUATE EUROPEAN TARGETS?

FROZEN PITCH!

TFC waive goodbye to Unmagnificent Seven

2011-11-23T19:56:00.001-05:00

It was the best of times... it was the only times

A hectic day in MLS continued after the Expansion Draft ended, with clubs announcing what players they had waived from their 2011 rosters. Only Columbus, Dallas, Philadelphia and Salt Lake had no names to add to a waiver list that now includes players like John Rooney and Jefferson Goncalves. It will come as no surprise however that the team who ended up waiving the largest number of players was our very own Reds.
　
After a season that put the heave in upheaval, TFC continued its evolution by officially jettisoning a dozen and one of their fringe players. There was no surprise when the names Matt Gold and Demitrius Omphroy appeared on the list tonight, as the two youngsters had let it slip on Twitter a couple of weeks ago. The remaining five players represent a mixed bag of playing time and results in 2011:
　
KYLE DAVIES: the very late season defensive waiver pick-up made a cameo appearance for the club but didn't make enough of an impact on the coaching staff to warrant a longer look
LEANDRE GRIFFIT: will forever be a trivia side note for TFC fans as the least useful piece of the De Ro triangle trade. If Tony Tchani develops, that deal could look awful
JAVIER MARTINA: looked so promising in pre-season and incredible during the home opener. Few would have believed it would go so rapidly downhill from that afternoon vs. Portland
EDDY VIATOR: the Guadeloupean is a prime example of an emergency buy. TFC was in the midst of a defensive crisis when Viator happened to look good at the Gold Cup. Was never MLS ready
GIANLUCA ZAVARISE: seemed like he could be a feel-good story early in the season - Canadian journeyman coming home. In the end, Zavarise was erratic at best and looked like a poor man's version of Chris Pozniak
　
And so the face of TFC continues to change with the subtraction of these names. While it gives stays of execution to the likes of Danleigh Borman, Elbekay Bouchiba, Nick Soolsma and Nathan Sturgis - there can be no doubt, we are in for more changes this winter. But really, what's a TFC winter without a lot of "heave"?

Bienvenue à Montréal - où est Brian Ching et la bibliothèque?

2011-11-23T16:02:00.000-05:00

Jacob Peterson wrote "Return To Sender" on the back

A rival is born! Well... re-born at least... but this time in MLS form! Toronto FC's true natural rival, Montreal Impact (L'Impact du Montreal to their amis) took a major step towards building the club's nouveau lineup for their debut in Ligue Majeure de Soccer during today's Expansion Draft.
　
Joey Saputo's Fromage Wanderers had a couple of days to browse the wares made available by the league's 18 existing clubs then retreated to their prosciutto-laden bunker deep under a bibliotheque to announce their selections. While we know here in Toronto that Expansion Draft rosters don't last too long (Memories of Paulo Nagamura isn't a President's Choice marinade), la première équipe for Montreal in 2012 will evolve from this core...
　
Brian "Le Retirement" Ching - HOU
Zarek "L'Amour" Valentin - CHV
Justin Mapp - PHI
Bobby Burling - SJ
Jeb Brovsky - VAN
Collen Warner - RSL
Josh Gardner - CLB
Sanna Nyassi - COL
James "Trade That Irish Name" Riley - SEA
Riley traded to Chivas USA for Justin Braun and Gerson Mayen
Seth Sinovic - SKC
　
Impact also traded Allocation to Seattle for Tyson Wahl
　
So there you are, these are the players that Toronto fans need to start making hilarious songs about. However, considering the # 1 pick has openly declared that he'd rather end his career than play in Quebec - we may want to hold off. Impact did manage to draft some quality pieces that they may very well keep or trade away for futures. Either way, a few of these lads will no doubt enter the magical world of Joe Louis', Pepsi-Cola, cigarettes and peelers that never quit.
　
From a TFC angle, the club managed to hold on to everyone with Impact unsurprisingly refusing to poach from their arch-rival. Sadly, L'Impact extended that to ex-Reds and chose to ignore The Yorkies' #PetersonAvecImpact campaign which wanted to see Canada's # 1 Tourism Ambassador Jacob Peterson selected to play in La Belle Province. You win this round Peterson... but you just wait until Real Regina enters the league.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "A bit of an old exhibition"

2011-11-23T10:51:00.001-05:00

　
Hello Stan,
I'm the captain of a struggling house league soccer team and we need your help! Our starts are awful, can you tell us how you prepared for a match? Love your column! Nick - Oakville, ON
　
Soccer? I didn't see a French or Yank postage stamp on this letter... but I assume you mean football, boy. Already down 1-0 Nicholas - but all hopes are not dashed. Best pre-match preparation Old Stan ever did was during my glorious time at Crewe Alexandra. Half an hour before a match I'd lift 5 Foot 4 forward Bert Llewellyn on my shoulders and we'd sprint down to the local bakeshop. After stopping to throw some rocks at local ne'er-do-wells, me and wee Bert would buy a box of meat pies and munch on them on the sprint back to Gresty Road. Meat pies... Jewel of the North. Love a bit of an old Melton Mowbray to this day - they've got gelatin inside! Made from ground up animal bones, you know! Best of luck at your... soccer.
　
Mr. Bentley,
My wife and I recently went on vacation with a couple who were very "open" in public. I wasn't too keen on it really - how do you feel about exhibitionism? David - Rochester, NY
　
See here David, you are being quite the old stick in the mud aren't you? What's wrong with a bit of an old exhibition? Why you'll find Stan every spring at The Royal Gentleman's Belt and Suspender Exhibition at the Crystal Palace. All of the latest advances in masculine trouser fastening are made very "open" to the public! Why would anyone be weary of such a genteel day out? Bought myself a belt made from swordfish once - talk about looking "sharp"! Have fun laddie!
　
Hi Stan,
Now that TFC's season is done I'm back to watching hockey. Problem is, when I visit the in-laws they never have the game on. Is there a polite way of putting it on? Go Leafs Go! Gus - Oshawa, ON
　
I am utterly confused - where exactly are your leaves headed? (By the way lad, your Queen's grammar needs some work) Run-ins with the in-laws is nothing to be sneered at me old China, but surely your father-in-law, being from the male race, would understand the importance of listening to a big match on the wireless. Why you would be getting so worked up about Field Hockey though is beyond me. Dandys faffing about on a lawn with table legs wearing short pants. It is a rather popular sport on the Indian sub-continent though. Then again, they are fond of Bengal Tigers down that way as well - they'll eat your face faster than a Geordie on a Mars Bar. Best of luck removing your leaves!
　
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

Protect yo self before you wreck yo self

2011-11-21T19:44:00.000-05:00

Seriously, you'll never guess which one was protected...

Less than 24 hours after Galaxy lifted the MLS Cup, it's back to business at Don Garber's Playhouse. Aside from the Cup Final, it has been a busy few days for league administrators with a few major announcements: future MLS Cup Finals to be held at the home of the highest seeded finalist (Good); a tweak to the playoff structure (Meh); and, the introduction of a conference-heavy unbalanced schedule (Fugly)
　
Today's paperwork however, was the release of the Expansion Draft Protected Lists with each club shielding certain players from L'Impact du Montreal avec le Bibliotheque’s grubby, petite, Joe Louis-grabbing fingers. Of course, our beloved Dutch-Anglophone Toronto FC were part of the gang aiming to shield their wares and protected the following:
　
Eric Avila
Terry Dunfield
Richard Eckersley
Stefan Frei
Torsten Frings
Ty Harden
Andy Iro
Ryan Johnson
Milos Kocic
Danny Koevermans
Joao Plata
　
A curious list that answers some questions but raises many more. First of all... the Ty Harden love-in continues? That dude must have some gnarly pics of Winter and de Klerk in Amsterdam. Mark us befuddled but the reasoning could be to hold on to as many defenders as possible in the thinking that Montreal won't take a flyer on the unprotected Adrian Cann and Dicoy Williams who both suffered major injuries in 2011.
　
Other notables left unprotected include: Julian de Guzman (for the second season running) whose massive contract is seen as a no-go in expansion drafts; Nick Soolsma who became a useful depth attacker but whose international slot makes him an unlikely choice; and, Peri Marosevic, a youngster with some potential who could very well be tempting to Les Bleus et Noire.
　
On a positive note, the protection of Joao Plata and Richard Eckersley, both on loan from their parent clubs, could be a positive signal that TFC is making progress in their permanent signings with The Reds. The only other minor protected surprise is Terry Dunfield whose passport may have made him tempting. Overall the only real point of discomfort is a gnawing feeling that Iro and Harden could still be lined up next to each other come March. As for the rest... vous êtes les bienvenus pour les Montréal.

THE STARTING 11: Other Beckham effects

2011-11-21T11:45:00.001-05:00

Jeez, get a room

There are still a few negative types out there in North American football who claim that David Beckham's five-year affair with Major League Soccer was a failure. Long before he raised the MLS Cup last night - this simply wasn't the case. Did he play his best football with LA Galaxy, far from it. But, is the league a markedly stronger one as his star fades from Carson, California? Definitely. While Goldenballs brought many very visible positives to MLS' image, not everything about his time on our continent made headlines...
　
11. Sexy silhouette of Bruce Arena added to his tattoo collection
　
10. Helped heal broken Los Angeles sports fan's hearts after the departure of Luc Robitaille
　
9. Resisted temptation to name baby girl "Homedepotcenter"
　
8. Turned down opportunity to buy MLS club New England after name change to "David Beckham's Revolution Pour Homme" was rejected
　
7. Galaxy's training gear long replaced by exotic matching sarongs
　
6. Whenever Man United visits the USA, Sir Alex Ferguson invited to drop by and throw hairdryer at Landon Donovan
　
5. Victoria always allowed to spray her fragrance over Columbus before away matches to Crew
　
4. Got Chad Barrett to believe in himself as "The Wayne Rooney of the southern Los Angeles suburban regions"
　
3. Successfully blocked California adult film producers from releasing XXX video "Boned It Like Beckham"
　
2. L.A. street gangs have replaced coloured bandanas with thin, European headbands
　
1. Totally got Don Garber into skinny jeans

THE RUMOUMETER - November 18, 2011

2011-11-18T11:32:00.000-05:00

REDS HOT!

PRUDENTIAL AND GRETZKY EYE MLSE SALE

STEFAN FREI TO NEW YORK RED BULLS

TFC LEANING TOWARDS SKYDOME FOR CCL QF

PERMANENT ECKERSLEY DEAL CLOSE

DE GUZMAN HEADING BACK TO EUROPE

MARINER STILL TRACKING REGGIE LAMBE

RIO FERDINAND EYEING MLS: TFC OR CHICAGO

FROZEN PITCH!

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Lovely bit of pancake"

2011-11-16T10:44:00.001-05:00

　
　
Dear Mr. Bentley,
I am a bit worried about my finances and investments. What are your views on the European Debt Crisis? Wondering if I should diversify. Thanks for your help. Edward - Stouffville, ON
　
Well, well questions of international finance are quite the dill pickle aren't they chappie? Old Stan is no stranger with European markets you know! Played a friendly in Holland against De Graaf-something-or-other when I was with Oldham Athletic. Wanted to go out for a post-match booze-up but stubborn player-manager George Hardwick said we'd only be paid in Dutch Guilders. I said "I'm not using this Continental funny money" and stormed out. Only place that would take my shillings was a coffee house in the red-light district. Lovely bit of pancake, can't remember much else. Keep your chin up moneybags!
　
Hi Stan,
I'm cooking my first meal for my new girlfriend and I'd like to make it something really special. You seem to know a bit about the ladies, does a risotto and some chardonnay sound good? Dean - Peterborough, ON
　
What's this lad? Rossetti on Chateux-what? Sorry, old Stan doesn't watch French League football too often - too much faffin' about. I got pissed with Peter Bonetti off of Chelsea once if that's what you meant. As far as this meal goes... first of all you got your words mixed up - it said YOU were cooking for your lady. Obviously that's not right - so, I recommend telling your new fancy piece to cook you up a nice meat pie and slice you up some oranges for when you're halfway through the night. Finish it off with a brandy and a sugary tea. That should keep you limber for a full 90. Here's to the fairer sex.
　
Hello Stan,
My best friend and I had a stupid argument that has spiralled out of control. I say Torsten Frings is TFC's best player while he says Danny Koevermans - can you settle it for us? Frankie - Brampton, ON
　
Never good to have a spot of bother with a mate, Franklin. Still haven't forgiven Brentford's Gerry Cakebread for breaking my best shaving mug. Don't care if he did score 20 goals in the FA Cup. You can only really trust man's best friend... dogs. My Alsatian for instance, Douglas, now that is a mate. Yes he smells a wee bit eggy but no bother. Dogs... bloody marvellous creatures. Soviets sent one up into space you know. Lada or something. Can't speak for you Franklin, but I don't know of too many other cosmonauts knocking about! (Looking at you Gerry Cakebread) Glad I could settle things for you boys.
　
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue.

THE STARTING 11: Overlooked details in MLS' "State of the League" address

2011-11-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

"Looks like the Golden Frank will be the decider!"

Every year during the lead-up to the MLS Cup, the league Commissioner holds a "State of the League" press conference. The speech is usually a self-congratulatory pat on the back detailing all of the ways the loop has improved over the past season and hints about what direction MLS plans to take in the future. Most of the continent's media treat the conference with the reverence usually reserved for big news stories like water-skiing squirrels and gay penguins, which means that more than a few details are missed by time the story hits the presses...
　
11. Club with best regular season record to get "nice bouquet of flowers" to mark occasion
　
10. All future shirt sponsors must be "BIMBO"
　
9. Future annual "Best XI" team competitions to include talent and swimsuit portion
　
8. Not enough time in the season to have a balanced league schedule... meaningless midseason friendlies upped to 8-12 matches per club
　
7. David Beckham offered Columbus Crew, FC Dallas and New England Revolution as part of contract extension offer
　
6. Future Extra Times to be decided by competitive hot dog eating
　
5. Canadian clubs forced to wear inflammatory "evil Mountie" costumes when playing in the US
　
4. Despite lack of stadium, NY Cosmos will enter the league - home matches to be played on Staten Island Ferry
　
3. Re-alignment will see MLS split into 19 Divisions - winner of each division qualifies for playoffs
　
2. Automatic 3-Game suspension for any player or coach who "accidentally" refers to MLS Commissioner as "Dong Grabber" during interviews
　
1. Starting in 2012 - Los Angeles and New York get annual bye to MLS Cup Final

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Salacious mojo malarkey"

2011-11-10T10:12:00.000-05:00

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most trusted voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
　
Dear Stanley,
　
I have been married to my wife now for seven great years but I'm suddenly haunted with the fear that she may me cheating on me. Should I approach her with my worry? I'm at a loss - what do you think? Thanks. - Neil, Pickering ON
　
I say, Neil old lad, you watch where you throw those labels around! Branding one a cheater, a charlatan or a rogue can open up quite the proverbial worm-can. I remember being on a tour of Malta with Huddersfield Town back in 1954, me and useful poacher Terry Cavanagh ended up playing cards in a Valletta gambling emporium one night. Suddenly this one swarthy, fat Malteser bloke starts yelling at a skinny foreign lad about cheating and before you knew it - chopped his thumb right off! That digit flew across the room and landed in some old boy's soup. Put me off Minestrone for ages... and sausages for that matter. Hope that helped lad.
　
　
Hey Stan,
Going through a rough patch in the bedroom department at the moment - just can't seem to get my mojo going like it used to. Ever happen to you? - Nick, Vaughan ON
　
First of all boy, one starts a proper correspondence with "hello", "salutations" or in a stretch "cheerio". I say "hey" to my dog. Wonderful Alsatian named Douglas, great canine - smells a bit like egg. This bedroom rough patch you talk so eloquently of - I assume you mean you are having difficulty with some type of renovations? Argyle wallpaper I say, or in a pinch a nice pine siding - a bit like the dressing rooms at Derby County's Baseball Ground. If you, for some reason, meant anything more salacious with this "mojo" malarkey... then do some deep knee bends and buy some medicated balm. Cheerio!
　
　
Stan,
Trying to get a jump on Christmas shopping this year. Can't decide whether to buy my girlfriend Toronto FC season tickets or something a bit more romantic. What would you recommend? Cheers - Aaron, Toronto ON

Oh lad - a lady at the football? You are the jovial prankster aren't you? Well done chap, you gave me a chuckle. First of all, Christmas isn't supposed to just be about gifts - it is a remembrance of a far greater gift. On that cold winter's night, wise men gathered under a star to witness a miracle... me slotting a 89th minute winner past Doncaster Rovers' keeper Harry Gregg in the FA Cup 2nd Round. King of kings! As far as your bird goes, you can never go wrong with saltine crackers or an iron - if you really want to push the boat out, I saw a replica 1990 England Chris Waddle shirt in the High Street. Magical ball skills - hair like a wet peacock. Glad to help.

　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send Stan an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue.　

Galaxy not far, far away

2011-11-08T15:09:00.001-05:00

Keane: Will appear pending wife's approval

While the Los Angeles Galaxy will have their sights set squarely on the MLS Cup Final in a couple of weeks, TFC are more concerned with their following fixture. This afternoon, somewhere in the lilywhite, corruption-free bowels of CONCACAF's New York headquarters, the draw for the Champions League Quarterfinals was made and The Reds will indeed face their MLS counterparts Galaxy.
　
There are a few ways at looking at the draw from a Toronto perspective. On the negative side, LA doesn't offer that "special" continental attraction of a team from outside our league. Besides familiarity, there is also the argument that LA could be considered MLS' strongest side right now - if they don't win the MLS Cup, it will be an upset.
　
On the other side of the peso, Galaxy are on a relatively fair playing field with TFC and do not come with the overall skill level that Santos Laguna and/or Monterrey may have offered. Also, early March (when the fixtures take place) will be during the MLS pre-season and Galaxy, along with TFC, will not be in mid-season form while likely bleeding in new faces. The advantage may go to the club who does a better job of preparing themselves during the off-season.
　
Whether Galaxy provides the "big name" opponent that MLSE may have hoped for if they choose SkyDome over BMO Field is another question. While LA will still boast the likes of Robbie Keane, Landon Donovan and cough, cough, Chad Barrett - they will probably be without David Beckham who looks most likely to join Paris St. Germain or Tottenham Hotspur in January. Not likely a draw that will put 50K into SkyDome unless MLSE drops ticket prices to $10 (we hear you laughing) but much more importantly, a draw that gives TFC a fighting chance to progress to the semifinals against the Seattle v Santos Laguna winner. We'll take an away leg to Carson, California over Mexico any day.

THE STARTING 11: Parting gifts for released Toronto FC players

2011-11-07T14:29:00.000-05:00

"Oooh your manbag is so moody - it must be a Laurent Robert!"

Autumn is a time of transition. Where the once promising blooms of spring must wither and make way for Winter (Lazio 1992-1996) and the eventual dawn of a new re-birth. Oh, the circle of life - love it when this blog goes all Robert Frost. Anyhoo... it's also the time of year when MLS clubs start cutting players. TFC is no different, with Demitrius Omphroy and Matt Gold (As Seen on Twitter) the first go. However, The Reds don't let their former charges leave empty handed - there's always some final parting gifts...
　
11. Left-over gold embossed Maurice Johnston 5-Year Planners
　
10. A lovely hand-written note from management... asking if you'd be willing to take Ty Harden with you
　
9. A leather European manbag from "Laurent Robert Pour Homme"
　
8. Martin Saric comes by to help "clean out" your apartment
　
7. Andrea Lombardo lets you borrow his Metropass so you can get to the airport
　
6. Jim Brennan makes you one last Cafe Latte
　
5. Joao Plata dances around you like a medieval jester as you leave BMO Field for the last time
　
4. A mini Voyageurs' Cup filled with old Halloween candy
　
3. Torsten Frings sings you a few bars of Wayne Newton's "Danke Schoen" as you wait for your cab
　
2. A year's supply of "Rice-A-Roda JC... The Eredivisie Treat (TM)"
　
1. A copy of "TFC: The Board Game"

#YoungRedsReleased

2011-11-05T10:29:00.001-04:00

"From this day on - we will only play on Twitter"

The post-season tinkering, or SIXual Healing preparation - depending on your view of time and space, is under way at BMO Field. While still awaiting official word from the club, two young Reds, Matt Gold and Demitrius Omphroy, took to their media of choice - Twitter - to announce that their days in Toronto were done.
　
Both players were part of TFC's 2011 SuperDraft crop, a series of player selections which were made in the infancy of the new Winter/Mariner management era. Of the entire draft selection, only Joao Plata emerged as a player with any real value for Aron Winter... and he's not even fully TFC property yet. Whether this is the first step in illuminating Toronto's move away from the Draft while putting all of their development in the Academy basket remains to be seen but the collegiate selection is a very foreign object in the Ajax-esque structure being installed around these parts.
　
Neither Omphroy nor Gold had many opportunities outside of the Reserve League to prove their talents in TFC red. Omphroy, the brave young man who battles MS while pursuing his football dream, seemed to have the technical skills that a Winter team could use but perhaps lacked the physicality needed to survive the rough and tumble MLS world. Matt Gold, "The Ginger Un-Ninja", did see some garbage minutes over 2011 but would have been completely invisible if not for his shock of copper hair and freckles.

Both players may be able to carve NASL careers for themselves with Omphroy still having an outside chance at an MLS stint. If not, there's always the Pro Twitter League, where these two would be Maradona and Pele. #goodlucklads

When in Dome, do as The Domans do?

2011-11-03T12:34:00.000-04:00

"Drugs are out at SkyDome? BMO Field it is."

Next Tuesday, in the gleaming controversy-free halls of CONCACAF's New York headquarters, the draw for the Champions League knockout phases will be held. Our beloved TFC will be entering this stage for the first time and as reward will face one of two Mexican powerhouses - Santos Laguna and Monterrey, or, star-laden MLS rival LA Galaxy. There is little The Reds can do about the draw itself, but where the home leg of the quarterfinal is played is a different question.
　
The match will take place on March 6, 7 or 8 - the tail end of Toronto's notoriously craptacular winter (the season, not manager) which gives rise to a venue conundrum. Does TFC stick to "Our House (TM)" on the barren, windswept Exhibition grounds, or, opt for the concrete elephant, the Eighth Wonder of 1989, the Artist Formerly Known as SkyDome - Rogers Centre? While our knee-jerk reaction after the win in Dallas was to #occupySkyDome, sober thinking urges us to weigh the pros and cons...
　
ATTENDANCE:
This one is a given - SkyDome (yeah, we're gonna be that way) could potentially cram 50K into its concrete bowels while BMO Field is limited to its low 20K's maximum. However, considering CCL fixtures have rarely been a hot seller, is this really a big deal? It's slight, but ADVANTAGE: SKYDOME
　
ATMOSPHERE:
The only way SkyDome can win this is if 50K rabid TFC supporters and whatever number of Mexicans fill the joint. Even when 30K show up at the Dome, it is a cavernous and dead venue. Anyone who knows what BMO is like when its rammed and fired up will agree, ADVANTAGE: BMO FIELD
　
FAN EXPERIENCE:
SkyDome is not MLSE's house. If TFC are dropped in, will the Bay Street Bankers have the ability (or smarts) to make it feel like "Our (Bigger) House (TM)"? Can fans count on MLSE to do the little things like put all the supporters' sections in one place, stick all the away fans together and concentrate their ticket sales together rather than spread attendance over large areas? Forgive us for not having faith in the ownership on this one. BMO Field may have some downsides including chilled fans and chilled bathroom pipes but ADVANTAGE: BMO FIELD
　
COST TO FANS:
This one is a great unknown with the owners. MLSE is very Jekyll and Hyde in these cases and it could go either way. We would expect nearly similar pricing if the match is at BMO but SkyDome could go one of two ways. MLSE could do the right thing and mimic Montreal's famous CCL match in The Big O by papering the stadium with cheap seats, thus creating an electric event; or... their evil side will be too tempting to resist and they will try to cover the extra expenses (stadium rental, loss of concession revenue etc.) by jacking up prices to "special event" mode (see Real Madrid friendly). Too early to know thus ADVANTAGE: EVEN
　
THE WEATHER:
BMO Field is possibly the most extreme weather stadium in MLS. The lakeshore locale in the middle of the CNE Grounds means that over the course of a season, supporters are treated to: Arctic chill, sleet, sideways rain, monsoon gusts, almost-tornadoes, searing heat, locusts, biblical lightning, a return to Arctic chills - dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! On the other side of the coin is SkyDome's publically-funded convertible lid. Eff you winter (again season, not manager) at the push of a button means ADVANTAGE: SKYDOME
　
PLAYING SURFACE:
You don't need to hear MLSE crow on any more about how awesome BMO Field's grass is... despite the shameful lack of "Scotts' Girls" in 2011. It is a lush, emerald carpet with under-soil doo-dah's that keep it somewhat living (like an arborist zombie) during the winter. However, it has its sub-zero temperature frailties and may not be ready for cleats as of early March. However, SkyDome is no treat in this category - a fairly crappy Field Turf built for the Blue Jays and Argos is a footballer’s nightmare and changes the way the game is played. Trucking in a one-time use real grass pitch would mean MLSE putting Southern USA grass on a truck and shipping it in - a cost the fans would cover in the end. With the weather being the great decider, this one is ADVANTAGE: EVEN
　
TACTICAL ADVANTAGE:
Many fans take the view that forcing Mexicans (or Los Angelinos) to play outdoors on a harsh Canadian winter's day would be a great advantage to TFC. While it is true that our Latino pals would think they had arrived in Bizarro Hell, there aren't that many impact Reds who will have experienced those conditions either. Even those used to Northern European winter fixtures won't have felt the potential -15C windchill coming off Lake Ontario. The likes of Ryan Johnson, Joao Plata and Eric Avila will have no advantage in freezing conditions and a hard pitch - nor dare we say will most of the "native" Canadian players. SkyDome turns into something of a "neutral venue" for TFC tactically as training time at the Dome would be somewhat limited. ADVANTAGE: EVEN
　
LONG-TERM IMPACT
One of the biggest arguments for putting the match into SkyDome is to give "new fans" a chance to experience TFC in a grand event. Even if MLSE can manage to do everything right and also fill the Dome with cheap seats, will it really "build the TFC brand"? There is a valid counterpoint that says a packed BMO Field buzzing with an electricity seldom seen since the heady days of seat-cushion tossing may have an equally valuable impact to the club's image. Bringing back the feeling that BMO Field is THE most exciting place to watch live sports in Toronto again could be quite the coup for TFC.It definitely beats the potential of 23K fans having their voices lost in "The House That Tax Payers Built". After all, freezing or not, BMO Field is "Our House"... ADVANTAGE: BMO FIELD
　
In the end, the variables will outweigh the emotions. The financial impact is really a push for MLSE so the decision will likely come down to technical logistics. By a slim margin, we have to think that BMO Field is the better choice and who knows, Mexicans tripping over themselves as Danny "Snowshoes" Koevermans puts an orange ball past a frozen Latino keeper could just be the stuff of legend.
　
Tell us how you feel below and whether either venue would affect your attendance.

THE STARTING 11: Major League Soccer Playoff promotional slogans

2011-10-31T17:57:00.000-04:00

MLS 2021 Playoff brackets are set... Go Oklahoma!

We have never made any bones about it - we don't like playoffs in football... unless you're trying to get promoted to the Premiership (hello West Ham). Playoffs that decide a "champion" after a long, hard season is wrong on many levels but such is life in North America. It's better than nothing, we know. And by nothing we mean no local football... just hockey. So, barring the miracle of UEFA buying Major League Soccer we live with the wacky world of playoffs while waiting for Don Garber to expand the league to 64 teams in 8 regional divisions. With the playoffs still being the jewel of MLS' eye, we thought we'd suck up our bias and help the league with some needed promotional campaigns...
　
11. "Where the cream rises to the middle!"
　
10. "Like the FA Cup - but stupid"
　
9. "Rewarding 8th Place finishes with a shiny trophy!"
　
8. "Toronto-free for 5 Years"
　
7. "Where Colorado vs. Kansas is a thing"
　
6. "You can't spell F*** Off without Playoff"
　
5. "Henry vs. Beckham: 2003 is soooo jealous!"
　
4. "Ignoring the wishes of football fans - knockout style!"
　
3. "Who needs Single Tables when you have musical chairs?"
　
2. "Our commissioner’s name is almost Dong Grabber"
　
1. "Making regular seasons redundant since 1996"

Final report cards at Aron Winter Total Technical Institute

2011-10-27T13:01:00.001-04:00

"Cafeteria?" Left at the windmill, right at the clogmaking class"

It has been a school year of change on the shores of Lake Ontario. After Preki Junior High was shut down last year, with crusty Dean Mo Johnston run out of town, many wondered what new curriculum would be brought in. When it was announced that the Winter Technical Institute was to open in PJH's place - the dumb jocks knew their days were numbered.
　
Under the tutelage of Dutch master Aron Winter and his wacky P.E. teacher Bob de Klerk, education in the Football Sciences was turned on its head. Many new students enrolled in 2011, some excelling while others dropping out after finding the lessons impossible to comprehend. But alas, the school year has ended and the dreaded final report cards must be sent home....
　
THE VALEDICTORIANS
JOAO PLATA B+ : Like watching Webster and Pele's love child
DANNY KOEVERMANS A - : After 5 years, the first true striker
TORSTEN FRINGS A : A true captain. Best football mind on the pitch
RICHARD ECKERSLEY A - : Heart, skill and grit. Thanks Burnley.
　
THE HONOUR ROLL
JULIAN DE GUZMAN B - : Best year at TFC... but wa$ it enough?
ERIC AVILA B : Great addition with upside - traded for spare parts
RYAN JOHNSON B: Useful. Needs more Bob Charlton, less Bob Marley
NICK SOOLSMA B - : Slowly became valuable depth. Just loves cats.
STEFAN FREI B : Still our # 1. Deserves to start 2012 in goal
MILOS KOCIC B - : Solid back-up but handling and distribution shaky
PERI MAROSEVIC C + :Good young depth with great attitude
　
WINTER-SUMMER SCHOOL
ANDY IRO C - : Looks like John Barnes, defends like Priscilla Barnes
NATHAN STURGIS C - : Played like he never wanted to be here
MIKAEL YOURASSOWSKY C - : Versatile but too reckless and a diver
TY HARDEN C - : Not starter quality. On the hook for too many goals
TERRY DUNFIELD C : Scant minutes but gung-ho veteran presence
DANLEIGH BORMAN C : Decent on wing, often atrocious on defence
GIANLUCA ZAVARISE C - : Outshined by young American additions
JAVIER MARTINA D : What a player! (Valid for one match only)
EDDY VIATOR D - : File under "Emergency Buy". Out of depth in MLS
　
THE FRESHMEN
DONEIL HENRY C - : "Oh Henry" tends to melt under the heat
ASHTONE MORGAN B - Set "The Tone" for future Academy grads
MATT STINSON C+ : "Cowboy" Matt Stinson must channel exuberance
OSCAR CORDON C - : Flash of potential but needs to eat more
MATT GOLD D + : "Ginger Quota" filled by Eckersley. Mostly invisible
　
THE SICK NOTES
ADRIAN CANN B - : Really, really good looking. Really, ugly injury.
DICOY WILLIAMS B - : Was coming into his own when injury struck.
ELBEKAY BOUCHIBA N/A :Mystery man who could doom JDG's job
NICHOLAS LINDSAY N/A : Lay off the winter sports son.
　
THE NO-SHOWS
DEMETRIUS OMPHROY N/A : If Twitter was footy, he'd be Maradona
KEITH MAKUBUYA N/A : Robbed us of chances to yell "Booyah!"
LEANDRE GRIFFIT N/A : Most mysterious Frenchman since Clouseau
KYLE DAVIES N/A : Easily in TFC's All-Time Top 100 Kyles
　
THE DROP-OUTS
ALEN STVANOVIC D - : Never met a teammate he wanted to pass to
DWAYNE DE ROSARIO C: "A" for play, "E" for drama = C. A shame.
NANA ATTAKORA D : Got bad advice, could still be on TFC defence
ALAN GORDON C + : Was almost "Yankee Dichio", sadly made of glass
JACOB PETERSON C - : Legend in his own mind. Anti-Canuckite.
TONY TCHANI C+ : The next big thing... for 17 matches
DAN GARGAN C - : Once a plumber, always a plumber
MAICON SANTOS C : Most overrated Red ever. Farewell Mike Sanders
DASAN ROBINSON N/A : "There's only one Robbo"... Carl.

THE WORD: Out like a lamb, in like a Lambe?

2011-10-25T11:02:00.002-04:00

All signs point to Toronto?

Toronto FC's season has barely gone cold but it looks like plans for 2012 (aka SIXual Healing) are already starting to heat up. According to reports out of football hotbed Bermuda and East Anglian metropolis/tractor hotbed Ipswich, former Ipswich Town and Bermudian international midfielder Reggie Lambe is on The Reds' radar.
　
The diminutive Lambe was on The Tractor Boys' books since his mid-teens before being released earlier this year. His time with Ipswich was mostly limited to reserve team appearances and culminated with a loan spell at Bristol Rovers. Aside from his club experience, Lambe has been a member of Bermuda's national team since he was 16 and has made 9 appearances, scoring 4 times. The triangle offence puns start here.
　
Lambe, who reportedly trained with TFC over the summer, was brought to Paul Mariner's attention through the same Caribbean network that saw him pluck useful MLS winger Khano Smith from Bermudan obscurity into New England's squad. Whatever happens with this rumour - Reggie Lambe officially becomes "The First TFC Off-Season Rumoured Signing". Huzzah!
　
WORD FACTOR: 5 / 10

THE STARTING 11: Rejected Toronto FC taglines for the 2012 season

2011-10-24T16:38:00.000-04:00

"Tick-tock, The Reds won't stop"

Over the last few years MLSE has marketed their seasons with cute little taglines, often incorporating the season's numerical value within it. For example - "fOUR Season" and "Season fIVe" have been used over the last few years. Here at The Yorkies we have already branded next season as "SIXual Healing" of course, but that didn't stop the boffins on Bay Street from trying out a few of their own for TFC's sixth kick at the can...
　
11. "Year IV in a V Year Plan"
　
10. "We're Gonna Make You Six"
　
9. "Six Feet Under"
　
8. "Sheashon Shixsh" (Bob de Klerk's idea)
　
7. "The Dirty Half-Dozen"
　
6. "Do You Think We're Sixy?"
　
5. "2012 Angry Men"
　
4. "A Full Order of Frings"
　
3. "We Wanna Six You Up"
　
2. "Soolsma II: Electric Boogaloo"
　
1. "Sixy Times!"

Yes, we know Rod Stewart sang this but Tom Jones doing it is WAY funnier. Plus Tom Jones is Welsh. Carl Robinson is also Welsh. We miss Carl Robinson. Jeez why all the questions?

Hi Carl if you're reading.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v New England... Or a strong argument why relegation ain't a bad thing

2011-10-22T23:21:00.004-04:00

Late October is a funny time of year. Your first or second favourite club is now in full swing across the ocean, while your second or first favourite club is wrapping up their season with a game steeped in frivolity and mediocrity. Toronto closes out their season against a side who was eliminated from the post-season sometime in mid-July. Tonight mediocre vs mediocre in a battle for nothingness.

20' - GOAL - Koevermans slides a low pass to Soolsma who startles everyone (including himself) and puts it into the net. Good start here.

23' - pretty chip by Koevermans onto Soolsma who stretches the keeper with his shot but can't beat him. He bags a hat trick, and I'm leaving...

28' - SUB - Johnson comes off hurt for Avila

40' - GOAL - corner kick served up low, short and fast to find Zerka's glancing header past a caught off guard Kocic.

Half-Time mood : ummmmmm ok where did that come from?

46' - GOAL - Perfect start for New England as a fast ball on the ground through the box gets to the sliding foot of Caraglio and pops it into the net.

51' - our friend, the President of the Luton Town Supporters Club of North America is calling for an Andy Iro goal.

55' - SUB - deGoo comes off for Dunfield.

74' - SUB - Plata comes off hobbling, making way for Zavarise.

83' - GOAL - great cross misses Soolsma (thankfully) and finds Koevermans leaping to pop the ball in from close range.

85' - In an uncharacteristic strategy, the mighty robins are going for the throat on this one. Iro is found wide a few feet in front of goal and smacks the ball off the crossbar. This would be a greater talking point except we discovered he was offside when the howler took place.

Full Time : Toronto 2, New England 2

Man of the Match : I'm going with Morgan on this. He was an absolute bully back there and was everywhere. Koevermans is a very close second with his touches and vision oozing class all over the place.

Goat of the Game : Though the urge to throw Soolsma under the bus is overpowering for being slow, unable to beat anyone in a foot race, his positioning in front of goal was incredible today... So long story short, no goat.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5. He wasn't calling fouls against Toronto but he wasn't calling fouls against New England either. We've seen worse in this league.

Kocic 6.5, Stinson 6.5, Harden 6, Iro 6.5, Morgan 7.5, Frings 7, deGoo 6.5 [Dunfield 6], Johnson N/A [Avila 6.5], Soolsma 6.5, Koevermans 7, Plata 6.5 [Zavarise N/A]

The crowd was a little sparse today. Between the major highway closure and the stupidly early kick-off, the constant trickling of people were to be expected... When Soolsma runs with the ball, it looks like 'bullet time' from The Matrix films... Watching these guys play you can't help but be optimistic for next season. If you think I'm jinxing it, note that there are now about a dozen three-footed rabbits hobbling in the woodlands behind my brother's cottage... Being a TFC-centric blog, the paranoia of who we'll lose is driving me nuts, however, I do believe that either Kocic or Frei will be wearing another team's kit next year... The question on everyone's mind (by 'everyone' I mean the 6 lads and lass standing around me) was "where will the CONCACAF Champs League game be played in March". Preliminary polls have a split 50-50 of BMO and the stadium formerly know as SkyDome... Zavarise and Stinson had a very slick passing play that ended up with Zavarise on the ground. You'd swear they played with each other before... I wish you all the best in your holidays and though I'll find random crap to write about (like follow a Romanian 3rd division side for the winter), we'll see you at BMO/SkyDome sometime in March.

Until then, keep visiting the site for all your off-season randomness and frivolity. Cheers!

THE MATCHUP: Ready for SIXual Healing

2011-10-20T11:59:00.027-04:00

"Let's get it on, you Reds!"

TORONTO (16TH) VS. NEW ENGLAND (18TH)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 12:30PM EDT
TV: TSN RADIO: FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
After Tuesday night's potentially club-changing win in Champions League, Toronto FC finds itself basking in a rare glow as the season comes to an end. The atmosphere around this meaningless match could have been dull and rather miserable but instead, TFC fans are suddenly looking to brighter days ahead. Next season now looks like it could indeed be one of "SIXual Healing". With a year of rebuilding under their belts, Aron Winter & Co. will now have to deliver bigger and better in 2012.
　
The season-ending tilt against New England gives Reds' support one last farewell to the club until the CONCACAF Champions League Quarterfinal in March, as well as a rare opportunity to look down at a club worse off than Toronto. New England has had a horrendous campaign and sits in the "wooden spoon" position coming in to Saturday's match. A TFC victory would cement The Revs in last while doing a solid for Vancouver who are no doubt whining over our CCL victory. Either way, the last match of 2011 feels like a goodbye to not just this season, but the four previous as well.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Table Legger"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Eric Avila, Danny Koevermans, Joao Plata
NEW ENGLAND: Benny Feilhaber, Shalrie Joseph, Kenny Mansally
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC fans partying like its ~~1999~~ 2007: 3-1
- "There's always next year" said without irony: 5-1
- Watching New England and realizing things could be worse: 10-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
With the sudden onset of ambitious feelings towards the club's sixth season, we have taken up the cause to brand 2012. The club has trotted our 'fOUR Season" and "Season fiVe" recently but in the spirit of giving back to us long suffering supporters, we urge the club to use the moniker "SIXual Healing" for 2012. If they need more persuading, here's a chant for us all to sing in the key of Marvin Gaye...
　
"Get up, get up, get up, get up
Let's go Reds tonight
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
'Cos the time right"
　
"Now that we're done rebuilding
We want SIXual Healing
SIX-ual Healing, baby!"
　
THE WAGER: 1-0 Toronto (2011: 23-23 with 7 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "2012? LET'S GET IT ON"

Now... to get you in the mood...

AFTER 90: Biggest. Victory. Ever.

2011-10-18T22:50:00.001-04:00

The Rides of March

THE BUZZ:
For TFC supporters it felt as if this match was five years in the making. Half a decade of less than mediocre results and high drama off the pitch had the chance to be erased, even if only temporarily, if The Reds could grab a win tonight. Long suffering supporters would have the opportunity to see their success-starved club in the spotlight of the CONCACAF Champions League this March if Toronto could just eke out a victory in the less-than-rabid confines of FC Dallas' Pizza Hut Park. It would take devotion, discipline and heart if Aron Winter's rebuilt club were to restore a little bit of the TFC-fever that has been missing for far too long. A leap into future success on a grander stage... or another lacklustre TFC outing? 90 minutes like no other for The Reds.
　
FIRST HALF:
29' - GOAL: Toronto - Danny Koevermans
FC DALLAS 0 - TORONTO FC 0
'43 - YELLOW CARD: Andy Iro
　
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: De Koef showing his worth... again
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: The droning horns of Pizza Hut Park's pathetic crowd
　
HALFTIME: FC DALLAS 0 - TORONTO FC 1
　
SECOND HALF:
58' - YELLOW CARD: Nick Soolsma
69' - GOAL: Toronto - Joao Plata
FC DALLAS 0 - TORONTO FC 2
77' - YELLOW CARD: Julian de Guzman
80' - SUB: Terry Dunfield for Julian de Guzman
81' - GOAL: Toronto - Joao Plata
FC DALLAS 0 - TORONTO FC 3
86' - SUB: Peri Marosevic for Joao Plata
90'+ - SUB: Nathan Sturgis for Danny Koevermans
　
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Plata dancing away 5 years of cobwebs
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Sour grapes we can hear from Vancouver
　
FULL TIME: FC DALLAS 0 - TORONTO FC 3
　
THE MOOD:
It just seemed so deserved. When you saw more fans at a single Toronto bar than seemingly the entire stadium in Dallas - it just seemed right. Sure Dallas could have won and moved on in Champions League, but who would have cared? In Toronto, where a die-hard fanbase has been so nearly beaten into submission, it was simply cathartic. For tonight at least, five long years of frustration washed away with the dancing of a pint-sized Ecuadorian. Best. Win. Ever. For so many reasons.
　
On the pitch, it should not be lost in the euphoria of such a major victory that this team has evolved. It may have taken a little longer than many expected, but Aron Winter's rebuild has started to change the face of Toronto FC. No they have yet to turn into Ajax Canada, but TFC are now a team that is capable of fighting, persevering and on the odd evening, making their supporters remember why they fell in love five years ago.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 7 / Doneil Henry 6 / Ty Harden 7 / Andy Iro 6 / Ashtone Morgan 6.5 / Torsten Frings 6.5 / Julian de Guzman 6.5 (Terry Dunfield - ) / Ryan Johnson 7 / Nick Soolsma 6 / Danny Koevermans 6.5 (Nathan Sturgis - ) / Joao Plata 7.5 (Peri Marosevic - )
　
THE YORKIES' TFC PLAYER OF THE MATCH: Joao Plata
TALKING POINT: Is it too early to wait at SkyDome for March? Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: Biggest. Match. Ever.

2011-10-17T15:13:00.001-04:00

FC DALLAS (2ND) VS. TORONTO FC (3RD)
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - GROUP C
　
PIZZA HUT PARK - TUESDAY 8PM EDT
TV: GOL TV -----RADIO: FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Yes the hyperbole machine is once again churning out platitudes at full strength - but this time it's for realsies! TFC's penultimate match of 2011 is arguably the biggest in five years’ worth of variously less important fixtures. With a simple win, and only a win, The Reds can take an eraser to much of the malaise that 2011 has generated and propel themselves to their half-decade zenith.
　
The match is the truest test of how far Aron Winter's club has developed. Is it still the unpredictable club that failed to score on Dallas in a game-and-a-half during the tornado-stained home fixture? Or, is the "new" TFC the resilient, tougher version we saw against Philadelphia and New York? Only their best will see them past a good and equally spirited Dallas. With no major injuries, and a fairly rested First Team - their only excuse will be lack of heart.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Stuffed Crust Conundrum"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
FC DALLAS: Daniel Cruz, Daniel Hernandez, Brek Shea
TORONTO FC: Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson, Danny Koevermans
　
THE ODDS:
- Aron Winter's 2011 record forgotten in an instant if TFC qualify: 2-1
- Toronto winning... $59.99 "CHAMPIONS LEAGUE QUARTERFINALISTS" T-Shirts for sale at BMO Field by Saturday: 5-1
- Tauro FC managing to qualify at Toronto's expense; MLSE still crowing over a massive "TFC win": 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
By now, most supporters have grown used to hearing how this is TFC's "biggest match ever" but The Reds aren't the first Toronto footy squad to play in a massive fixture - their predecessors had their share of huge matches too:
- METROS-CROATIA fought off rebels to seize Zagreb's main bridge
- TORONTO LYNX survived a mauling by an actual lynx
- TORONTO SHOOTING STARS vs. The Decepticons (indoor)
- TORONTO BLIZZARD successfully sued Dairy Queen
- TORONTO CITY/G.I.JOE Selects vs. Cobra 11

THE WAGER: 0-0 Draw (2011: 23-22 with 7 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "BIGGEST. FRUSTRATION. EVER."

Cobra 11 - what a midfield!

THE STARTING 11: Bonus CCL Quarterfinal qualification incentives

2011-10-17T13:54:00.001-04:00

You can really taste the Plata!

Every season, Toronto FC has had at least one match dubbed as "The Most Important Match of the Season". There have been at least three already in 2011 - but this time they mean it! A win (and only a win) on Tuesday night at FC Dallas' Pizza The Hutt Park, will propel The Reds into uncharted territory - namely the CONCACAF Champions League quarterfinals. The prospective home-and-home match will take place in early March with the home fixture possibly being held at SkyDome (yes, we know it has that other name). If playing under the big top... er, big roof... isn't enough to spur on The Torontos tomorrow, maybe these extra incentives will...
　
11. Ty Harden has promised to get CONCACAF Champions League trophy tattooed on his ass
　
10. Ticket packs could turn out to be the perfect Valentine's Day gift... for men trying to end relationships
　
9. Exposes TFC to the lucrative Belize TV market
　
8. Toronto area Taco Bells have promised to develop a line of mini-TFC-burritos called "Joaplatachangas"
　
7. Gives MLSE time to develop "Thermal Sombreros" to sell to cold visiting supporters
　
6. Bitchy The Hawk to fight BJ Birdy during SkyDome halftime show
　
5. Gives TFC supporters 4 months to save up the $300 ticket price MLSE will undoubtedly be tempted to charge
　
4. TFC gets their picture on box of Guatemalan "Wheaties"
　
3. Quarterfinal opponent can market match as "El Frostbitito"
　
2. Reds get free trip to Nicaraguan Disneyland!
　
1. Taco Buttys

AFTER 90: Punchy Reds give Philly’s finest a Rocky ride

2011-10-15T18:05:00.001-04:00

A Red takes Philly's best on the chin

THE BUZZ:
The only real curiosity going into today’s match at PPL Park for Reds’ supporters was what kind of line-up Aron Winter would trot out. With the official “Most Important Match of the Season” coming up on Tuesday in Champions League, would the first-year manager opt to play it safe with a B-Squad - or, would the Dutchman’s competitive streak best the coach and see him go for three points against Philly, risking stamina and injury? A plucky Rocky I where TFC fights hard and gets a moral victory in Philly? A Rocky II where a finely tuned TFC upsets the favourite? A Rocky III where a bloated and lazy TFC gets knocked about and Union tells their wives to “go home with a real man”? A Rocky IV where Maxim Usanov returns and kills TFC’s best friend? Or those other Rockys where… you know… no one watches…

FIRST HALF:
42’ - GOAL: Philadelphia - Sebastien Le Toux
PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0
44’ - YELLOW CARD: Andy Iro

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Frings defending “like a boss”
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Harden assisting on Le Toux’s goal

HALFTIME: PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
55’ - SUB: Nathan Sturgis for Torsten Frings
59’ - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson
PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 1
60’ - SUB: Gianluca Zavarise for Joao Plata
69’ - SUB: Kyle Davies for Doneil Henry

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Leaving Philly with no injuries
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Realizing that Freddy Adu went to Europe to eat ALL the pies

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 1

THE MOOD:
It will be a surprise to many that a match where so little was expected from the underdog TFC ended up being so competitive. So… a bit of a Rocky I in the end. Undermanned and heavy on youth, The Reds showed a lot of determination and what they lacked in technique, they made up for in heart. They went toe-to-toe with the superior Union in the First Half and were only punished by a defensive mistake of a goal. The Second Half was perhaps even more impressive in that TFC not only managed to tie the match but keep their form with the introduction of three seldom used subs. Not quite a knockout of Clubber Lang - but a definite improvement over the doughboys punching meat last time these clubs met. Now if we can just be Ivan Drago to FC Dallas’ Apollo Creed.

The match left us feeling like: watching the sequel

PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 7 / Doneil Henry 5.5 (Kyle Davies - ) / Ty Harden 6 / Andy Iro 6 / Ashtone Morgan 6.5 / Torsten Frings 7 (Nathan Sturgis 6.5 ) / Matt Stinson 6 / Eric Avila 6 / Nick Soolsma 6.5 / Ryan Johnson 7 / Joao Plata 7 (Gianluca Zavarise 6 )

THE YORKIES’ TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Milos Kocic
TALKING POINT: Season VI may me better than Rocky VI. Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: "Shmell Ya' Latersh"

2011-10-13T10:40:00.000-04:00

"I'm de DJ, he'sh the rappersh"

PHILADELPHIA (4th) VS. TORONTO (16th)
　
PPL PARK - SATURDAY 4PM EDT
TV: TSN -----RADIO: FAN 590
　
Saturday's match against the high flying, second-year (cough, cough) Philadelphia Union really only holds one point of interest for TFC supporters - will Aron Winter swallow his pride and field a B-Squad in order to rest up for next week's Champions League do-or-die? Since there is little other consequence other than predicting a 2-0 loss, The Yorkies bring you a special Philly-inspired musical interlude by The Reds' # 1 Dutch hip-hop sensation Bob "De Fresh Prince of Amsterdam" de Klerk...
________________________________________________________

DE FRESH PRINSH OF BMO

Now, thish is the shtory all about how
My life got flipped-turned upshide down
And I'd like to take de minute
Jusht shit down shlow
I'll tell you how I became the Prinsh of a Field called BMO

In wesht Amshterdam born and raished
On de pitch wash where I shpent mosht of my daysh
Chillin' out, shmokin', relaxshin' all free
Shootin' free kicksh by Ajax Academy
When shome Feyenoord dudesh
Who were up to no good
Shtartin’ making trouble by de coffee houshe
I got in one little fight and mama shcreamed "Go!"
She shaid 'You're movin' with Aron Winter to BMO'

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my shuitcashe and shent me on my way
She gave me a kissh and then she gave me de ticket.
I watched Rutger Hauer in-flight film and shaid,
'I might ash well kick it'.

Firsht classh, yo thish ish not bad
Drinking peach schnappsh out of de champagne glassh.
Ish thish what KLM Firsht Classh ish like?
Hmmmmm, thish might be alright!

De plane landed at Pearshon and when I came out
There wash Jurgen Klinshmann shtanding there with my name out
But I ain't trying to play voetbal yet, I jusht got here!
Sho I shprang with quicknessh, en like de Ruud Gullitt job - dishappeared

I whishtled for de cab and when it came near
De lishense plate shaid Ontario and it had Maple Leafsh in de mirror
If anything I can shay dat thish cab wash shlow
But I thought 'Bob forget it' - 'Yo homesh to BMO'

I pulled up to de shtaadt about sheven or eight
And I yelled to de cabbie 'Yo homesh shmell ya later'
I looked at BMO Field
I wash replashing Mo
To shit on my throne ash de Prinsh of BMO

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Canada v Puerto Rico... or This is not the soup you're looking for

2011-10-11T23:04:00.003-04:00

I don't think this is what Hart had in mind...

It was a nice night out at BMO, but deja vu was in the air. The last time a team in red played a team from the not-quite-a-U.S.-state, it was a group-stage clincher-type set-up where the visitors put 8 defenders in front of their goal and got the result needed to wreck everything.

Seriously, the parallels are there.

The game featured much of Canada controlling the ball quite nicely everywhere, except in the penalty area, followed by Puerto Rico getting a little counter that ends up doing nothing. Josh Simpson working his ass off but creating little. Jackson and Occean always just being a little too far/too close to head the ball on the crosses. deGoo doing step over after step over. DeRo trying to create some space. Everyone holding on to the ball a little too long. The absence of a right winger. The overpopulation of the left wing. These were the prominent themes of the beautiful October evening ruined by a lack of courage to shoot the ball.

Late in the match, Tyler Wilson gets through the solid back four and launches a shot that hits Hirschfeld right in the chest. Sadly, this was the best opportunity for either side all night.

When it was all said and done, the match ended in a grossly unsatisfying 0-0. The fear of taking chances did more to harm the scoreline than any opportunities.

However, through the Bobby Lenarduzzi School of Soccer Things, we have uncovered the pattern (Dan Brown's got nothing on this narrative). It turns out that the Canadian Men's National Team can't handle the pressure of playing in the media and financial centre of the country. Here's the facts:

Opponent	Result Home	Result Away
St Lucia	4-1	7-0
Puerto Rico	0-0	3-0

By this math, Canada's aggregate away is 10-0, but at home it's a paltry 4-1. So we at The Yorkies can safely speculate that:

Opponent	Result Home	Result Away
St. Kitts & Nevis	3-2	16-0

I don't have the exact methodology, but trust me when I say that the science is good. These are your scorelines

Man of the Match : Josh Simpson was everywhere.

Goat of the Game : Most of the team was mediocre at best.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5, as they called just about everything good and bad.

Am I the only one who finds it amusing that St. Kitts and Nevis are coming up here on the cusp of winter?

THE STARTING 11: Strange moments during TFC's Thanksgiving Team Dinner

2011-10-10T10:12:00.001-04:00

Never forget.

With a coaching staff and a number of players far from home, it's always a nice touch to get everyone together for a bonding holiday meal. When Toronto FC sat down for their holiday supper, it was the first taste of a North American Thanksgiving for many of The Reds. The club no doubt wanted a special day for all involved but just like any family gathering, a few things went awry.
　
11. Club announces after dinner that 30 people showed up for the meal even though it was obvious that only 18 were in attendance
　
10. Audible giggling every time Bob de Klerk said "Tankshgivingsh"
　
9. Leftovers quickly rushed to BMO Field - put between buttered bread and readied for sale at next home match
　
8. Turkey out for 6 months with ACL tear in drumstick
　
7. Mysterious giant Tupperware container at end of table with "Property of C. Samuel" written on the lid
　
6. Danny Dichio dressing up in a pilgrim costume - giving Jim Brennan smallpox
　
5. Jacob Peterson going on Twitter from San Jose just to insult Canadian Thanksgiving
　
4. Aron Winter proclaiming dry poultry "a pity"
　
3. Belgian Mikael Yourassowsky offended by "racist" Brussels Sprouts
　
2. Bread rolls being passed down the table - slipping easily between the outstretched hands of Ty Harden and Andy Iro
　
1. Bitchy The Hawk... not seen since morning
　
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
ENJOY YOUR DINNER - HERE'S A SONG ABOUT TURKEY...

"Get stuffed!" - Thanksgiving with TFC

2011-10-07T12:18:00.000-04:00

Not a Chip Butty in sight

It's that time of year when loved ones gather to give thanks for all they have received over the past year. While some Reds' supporters may have not reaped the harvest they expected in 2011, there are still some morsels worth savouring.
　
Yes, an autumnal playoff bounty is beyond our reach once again, but hopes of a winter (or Winter) seeding gives supporters a light ahead for spring. Considering this time last year we were still picking Mo-furkey from our teeth - it could be worse.
　
So, tuck in your speculative Champions League Quarterfinal napkin (on sale now at RealSports for $57.99) and sit down for a specially prepared BMO Field Thanksgiving dinner, made from the finest ingredients that TFC managed to cobble together this year.
　
THE TURKEY: Despite five years roasting in its own self-worthy juices, MLSE is indeed the big dried-out bird. Tough to chew on and often hard-to-swallow, this carcass won't stop telling you how much better it will taste next year while constantly gobble-gobbling at your purse strings.
　
THE STUFFING: The only thing that made the poultry edible this year was the hope that the stuff inside was planning to add some flavour. ARON WINTER and BOB DE KLERK added the "total" spices to the few breadcrumbs that PAUL MARINER could rustle together. Definitely needs some off-season peppering.
　
BREAD ROLLS: Solid and filling despite being buttered with shots all year long, STEFAN FREI and MILOS KOCIC are the unsung heroes of the meal and surprisingly not too crusty after being left to bake alone so many times.
　
SWEET POTATO: Nothing filled the middle of the plate like the sugary staple DWAYNE DE ROSARIO. Always good for a tasty turn but not at his best flavour without the added sugar he wanted. TFC dubiously shared their portion with friends to the south where he aims to keep bringing sweetness until American Thanksgiving.
　
MASHED POTATO: Just what you need to fill the void - a big hearty portion of Bavarian-style TORSTEN FRINGS. Sturdy, solid and while he may not have the dash of a sweet potato, a TFC feast without him just doesn't satisfy.
　
BRUSSELS SPROUTS: The robust yet frustrating vegetation in the middle of the plate is undeniably JULIAN DE GUZMAN. You're hit-or-miss with your portion and even though you know it's good for you, it still often leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
　
TURNIPS: They are awkward, misshapen and you don't know quite how they got there. TY HARDEN and ANDY IRO are indeed the two root vegetables stuck in the middle of the meal. Dress em' up any way you can - they still don't taste quite right and are disastrous in pairs.
　
CRANBERRY SAUCE: A big dollop of angry red garnish on the side can only be RICHARD ECKERSLEY. Unexpectedly adding zing, this imported delicacy has often been the only flavour in a bland offering - has quite a bite too.
　
BABY CARROTS: Often a little too raw, but you just know if they are given the time to simmer to perfection ASHTONE MORGAN, MATT STINSON and DONEIL HENRY can be a staple for years to come. Something grown in your own backyard just tastes that much better.
　
THE GRAVY: Even when the offerings seemed dry and tasteless in 2011, a pint-sized gravy boat in the form of JOAO PLATA added just enough sauce to liven up a BMO Field meal. Smooth and sometimes a bit spicy, he was often the "shake and bake" that made things more palatable.
　
PUMPKIN PIE: A late edition but a great way to end the meal. Looking great in orange and delivering a reliable finish is a big slice of DANNY KOEVERMANS. Baked fresh late in the season, this Dutch treat may just be the most dependable meal finisher this table has ever seen.
　
We give thanks for the few scraps on our table this autumn. But... we still expect a bigger, better cornucopia in 2012 - and a season that ends closer to American Thanksgiving. If not, Bitchy the Hawk might start looking tasty.

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC Philadelphia match preparations

2011-10-03T13:40:00.004-04:00

Pictured: Fresh Prince (R), unnamed jazz musician (L)

With Major League Soccer's 2011 regular season winding down, TFC's players can look forward to the end of long pre-match preparations and training. However, before they can plan their holidays and look ahead to the 2012 Season (aka "SIXual Healing) their final MLS away match is on the horizon. A weekend trip to second-year, high-flying (don't get us started) Philadelphia Union. Philly is always a tough town for a visiting club in any sport and takes some special preparedness if you hope to steal a victory. How are The Reds getting ready?... "Yo homes to Chest-er!"
　
11. Blasting free kicks at Santa Claus
　
10. Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool
　
9. Aron Winter will row the club to the match across the Delaware River in a powdered wig
　
8. Shooting some b-ball outside of the school
　
7. Bob de Klerk sings Duran Duran's "Union of the Snake" during every team meal
　
6. Getting in one little fight - scaring moms
　
5. Making Ty Harden dress as the Philly Phanatic
　
4. Moving with aunties and uncles in Bel-Air
　
3. Running furiously on treadmill with delicious cheesesteak dangling just out of reach
　
2. Pulling up to their houses around seven or eight - yelling at cabbie "Yo homes smell ya later!"
　
1. Watching Rocky III - running along Cherry Beach in slow-motion with Carl Weathers

Wow, de Klerk was a real looker back in '84!

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto FC v New York Extreme Beverage... or Highlander Henrys, there can be only ONE!

2011-10-02T01:13:00.003-04:00

Now this is the weather that I expect with my football. Cool, clear, crisp, fall conditions. Our beloved Robins are on their way to winding up their season in "mediocre"-ith place, and Extreme Beverage is grasping at straws while the MVP-fueled antics of one Dwayne DeRosario is leading the almost impossible turn-around of DC United into that last spot. Those of you "meRo" haters, just remember... he's not even DP worthy.

Aside from waning fortunes, there's a game with semi-important ramifications at stake tonight.

For the purposes of length, I'm only going to highlight the highlights, and not just every time Plata does a step-over or Iro screws up at the back.

-3' - Before kick-off, a gaggle of 5 and 6 year olds were providing us with more winning quotes than we could ever imagine. This included the gem "whore monkeys!" and "Go fuck your mothers New York Red B*ll"

[Note : I'm asterisking the nick name of New York, as we're not going to promote their beverage (unlike Throwback Pepsi, bring that back!) but I'm not asterisking the cuss word because it's damn funny in this example]

38' - Kocic makes a brilliant low diving save from a Rogers attempt 10 yards out. The counterattack and Avila lays off a pretty ball to Koevermans who turns his marker into Jell-o but fires just over the bar.

HALF-TIME MOOD : Exciting and entertaining. End to end stuff and TFC looks to be in control for the most part.

49' - GOAL - Johnson leads a counter and cuts the defense apart with a little ball through to Koevermans who sneaks it under the New York keeper. The villagers then rejoice accordingly.

54' - Quote of the Match:

Keeper! I'm your fuckin' father!

~ a 6 yr old behind us

Ah, youthful vigor! My heart swells with pride even in the face of the space-time continuum.

63' - Great looping cross ends up just a little too high for Marosevic as he can't quite get behind the ball to head it forward.

65' - SUB - Soolsma in for Marosevic. Strange as we felt that Marosevic was doing fine tonight.

Then we came up with this future terrace classic:

He likes chicken

He likes liver

Soolsma, Soolsma

He delivers

We've also taken up meowing at Soolsma. Man, we're gonna miss him...

68' - Those kids are at it again with this golden nugget:

Hey referee, go home and suck some dicks!

71' - SUB - Koevermans off for Borman. Ummmm... OK... would like a better explanation why

75' - Why are we turtle-ing with a one goal lead?

84' - Kocic comes out for a big stop but Rodgers gets to it first, then does a dramatic flip over Kocic to prevent a collision.

85' - SUB - Finally, the showdown the footballing world has been begging for... Johnson comes off for Doneil Henry. FINALLY THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!

88' - GOAL - *sigh* there is only one. Thierry Henry takes a ball on his right side, loops it to his left and buries it past Kocic.

FULL TIME : Toronto 1, New York 1

Man of the Match : We're going with the kid Avila. He was everywhere tonight. Kocic is a very close second.

Goat of the Game : whoever decided to over defend up a goal, and pick Soolsma over any other forward. Perhaps one with pace.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Blew one or two calls but were perfect foils for the kids behind. Bless.

Player Ratings : Kocic 8, Stinson 7, Harden 6, Iro 6, Morgan 7.5, Frings 7, Dunfield 6, Avila 8, Marosevic 6.5 [Soolsma N/A], Koevermans 7 [Borman N/A], Johnson 6.5 [Henry N/A]

What tactical genius holds up for the remaining 15 minutes while in control of the flow of traffic? Better question, if Koevermans is talismanic, shouldn't his replacement be as influential. Soolsma is not of influence, neither is Borman and neither is Henry... speaking of people on the pitch with similar names, it should be noted that Theirry Henry didn't do anything of note until the goal. Otherwise, he was invisible... The south stands wasn't too sing-y and flag wave-y tonight, and that's OK. I think people are starting to actually watch the game and it was a good game to watch. Well, the first 75 minutes anyways... Next meaningful match of the year (unless the cards fall correctly), is Champions League on Tuesday the 18th v. Dallas... By the way, Tauro can advance provided they win and Dallas v Toronto ends in a draw. Also fun fact, UNAM Pumas can be eliminated if they lose and there's a result in the other match.

THE MATCHUP: "Red Bulls Gives You Wins"

2011-09-30T15:33:00.000-04:00

"The Champagne of MLS Clubs"

TORONTO (16th) VS. NEW YORK (10th)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7:30 PM EDT
TV: TSN2 RADIO: FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
After the shock passed over Dwayne De Rosario's trade to New York this past spring, most TFC supporters scanned the calendar and circled October 1st as a must-see match. De Ro's return in navy, white and corporate logo wasn't to be however, as his NYRB stint was cut short in a bizarre fashion. While we missed out on "The Most Dramatic Game of the Season" - it still does reverberate as a "Tale of Three De Ro's". New York was flying high with the Scarberian in their engine, but have stuttered since his departure and are barely hanging on to the last Wild Card spot. Only 3 points behind New Jersey Energy Drink are the club they traded De Ro to - D.C. United, who have been in ascendancy since De Ro's arrival. And that leaves TFC. Still "re-building" as they were throughout De Ro's tenure in red, with only a draft pick two shaky defenders to show for the man whose name still stings and makes waves in Toronto months after his departure.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Jilted Lover"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Eric Avila, Torsten Frings, Danny Koevermans
NEW YORK: Thierry Henry, Rafael Marquez, Teemu Tainio
　
THE ODDS:
- Danny Koevermans subbed off for nap time: 50-1
- MLSE introducing new Energy Boost Chip Butty: 100-1
- D.C. United trading De Ro back to NYRB pre-match... NYRB flipping De Ro to TFC at the half... De Ro in Glasgow by supper: 250-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Hiring Mo Johnston from New York (then MetroStars) wasn't the only inspiration MLSE took from the New Jersey-based club. Never ones from shying from a profit, MLSE considered copying New York's conversion to a beverage-branded corporate club for their own club but with a Canadian twist. Names rumoured to have been considered include:
FC Canada Dry Toronto
Canadian Club Football Club
Double-Double City
Pop Shoppe Rovers
Borussia Molsongladbach
　
THE WAGER: 1-1 Draw (2011: 22-21 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "RED BULLS STYMIED BY REDS - DE RO SOMEHOW NETS HAT TRICK FOR BOTH"

Town Hall & Oates - You're Out Of Touch

2011-09-29T18:02:00.002-04:00

---The two on the left got it way worse than the four on the right

Not exactly a full house, I rushed over for the first pantomime session in hopes someone hit'em hard.

Someone did.

Pre-talkie time, I overheard Mr Anselmi discuss about how "the Champions League is the best" and he "doesn't get it" why attendance is poor. Here's why in a nutshell - the people who care about seeing the Panamanian champs or the El Salvadorian champs live in Panama and El Salvador. Pumas doesn't capture the imagination. Neither does Real Salt Lake. Ever.

Winter was handed the microphone and started talking about fishing. Then I realized that English v's are Dutch f's and decrypted that he was saying "vision". I'm too tired to be doing this...

I didn't document everything, but enough.

1) Asked about the youth team and tried to get an answer regarding how many of the youth players are legitimate full-squad members, injuries notwithstanding and how many youthies do they see coming through next year? Too many questions and only the last one was addressed, being one or two kids could break through. Shame.

2) Then a gentleman from the back took the mic and laid it all out.

Season one was full of highs and lows, but there was a definite hope in the air. We didn't make the play-offs, but there was a sense of camaraderie between the front-office, the field and the fans, essentially we were all in this together.

The next three seasons, TFC continued to struggle on the field, but the real losing attitude was happening off the field. As a fan I, I started to turn to MLSE as the source of my frustration.

This season the unprofessional and sheer corporate nature of MLSE came to light when our #1 goal-scorer, DeRosario was let go. Although we may never know the real story, if there is one, we did get a sense that his relationship with MLSE went sour, and that definitely translated on field.

Currently we are third last in the league, and have the worst Goal Differential in the league. In fairness, it's easy to pull a few stats out of context, but I think it's fair to say that we really had a losing season, definitely the most disappointing from a season ticket holder’s perspective.

I kept getting told that we are re-building. This is fine. The message I'm reading in the brochure is that MLSE has a plan Mr. Season ticket holder, just be patient.
It great on paper, but the only thing that I've actually been feeling is disrespected, as there were many chances for MLSE to actually extend a meaningful "I'm sorry", but instead chose corporate greed.

Example

Concacaf Champions league

Seattle: General Admission $15 to all 3 home games.
TFC: Tickets in line with regular season pricing
The would have help re-build the relationship between Front Office and the Season Ticket Holders
Result: Real Esteli game drew 10,000

Here's a prime example for the front office to say "Mr. Season Ticket Holder, we value your loyalty, go see these games on us" or “as a season ticket holder, we realize that our product has suffered a bit this season, thanks for sticking with us, here's a discount of 25%, 50%"

No such thing happened.

Now here we are again, and let me frame things from my perspective.

For 5 seasons, I've been coming to games, buying merchandise, saving up for season tickets. And for five seasons I've been feeling more and more disrespected, and unacknowledged by MLSE.

This is the fifth season of tension between what's happening on the field, and off the field, the fifth season of "we'll do better next year".

If you simply look at this in terms of a relationship, I'm putting in all the work, and I can't do it anymore, I'm tired and I'm broken. The MLSE crushed my spirits.

With all this said, how can you expect me to renew my seats?

What have you done to give me hope, a brochure?

You have frozen the pricing, is that a token of your respect? Is anybody in your office so delusional that there was ever talk of raising the price? The price freeze was evident, where's the thank you?

You are re-building, you've said it yourself. What that means is that your product is in a state of repair. When products re-brand, they give out samples, have sales, and extend their best efforts to retain existing clients. What are you doing? You're telling me that I have the privilege of paying another few thousand while you resolve your problems between the front of house and the field?

Your pricing strategy is assuming there is a healthy amount hope and faith instilled in the season ticket holders ... well there's not. Not right now at least. I can't find anyone in my section to split a set of seasons tickets 2,3, even 4 ways! The players and coaching staff kept our flame burning, but the decision by MLSE to disrespect us season ticket holders with a "pay the same price... even though we're re-building" attitude crushed us, and put out our flames.
I suspect not, but I hope so.

My final word of advice is that when you see that your season ticket renewals are not what you hoped, don't give us a free game, and give us some respect. Acknowledge those that have been around since day 1, and apologize with something meaningful ... or you could freeze prices, get some different asses in the seasons seats, and repeat this all again in 5 years, I guess it's up to you.

~ Joe* (thank you for the copy of the speech)

* "Joe" isn't connected with The Yorkies and his feelings are his own. However, we wanted his eloquent "common supporter's" speech to reach a larger audience than that of a Town Hall. Re-printed with Joe's permission and published un-edited from his original.

Later on in the Q&A, Anselmi made a comment regarding the new training facility "$20 million towards an academy, the big bad MLSE investing in Canadian soccer". Someone needs to tell him that a number of us don't care so much what you're doing with our season ticket money as much as we would like you to stop asking for so much of our money at every turn. ($9 beer anyone? How about a $120 replica that you can get in Niagara Falls for $70? 3/4 empty stadium for Champs League without an attempt to discount tickets?)

3) Question was asked about how the office was going to go about "bringing back the buzz"? The questioner remarking that he "can't give the tickets away these days".

4) Favourite quote was "we need 3 more Eckersleys". Truth.

5) Winter mentions that since Jan 21, the team has flown over 150,000 km and been away 172 days. I have to believe Soolsma has smuggled Suarez on at least three of these road trips...

6) Another quality anecdote : "Paul mentions to me shortly after I arrived, he says, 'Bob, I have to warn you, the refs in this league are poor.' I had no idea they were so poor." Bob de Klerk briefed on the state of officiating in MLS.

I realise at this moment that I have not heard Bob de Klerk speak before tonight and that he totally sounds like a Dutch Christopher Walken. Coincidentally, Wikipedia mentions that Christopher Walken sounds like an American Bob de Klerk but that goes without saying...

Still "out of touch".

AFTER 90: Turtles v Pumas

2011-09-27T23:45:00.001-04:00

"Oooh, we don't love turtling..."

THE BUZZ:
A surprisingly festive atmosphere despite a small crowd at BMO Field as the number of Pumas supporters in attendance was well in the hundreds. Giant golden kitty cat faces everywhere - Nick Soolsma must have been in heaven. Actually, it was quite possibly the largest ever away support number at a TFC match - despite the "away" supporters all having 416 phone numbers. Fans of both Los Rojas and Los Gatos may have been expecting another romp for the Mexicans after their 4-0 trouncing of Toronto in Mexico City but with TFC facing an end to their 2011 competitions, they would have to man-up. It was 2011 or bust as the undermanned Reds took to the pitch.
　
FIRST HALF:
20' - YELLOW CARD : Matt Stinson
35' - GOAL: Toronto - Peri Marosevic
TORONTO FC 1 - PUMAS UNAM 0
　
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Koevermans creating a goal out of nothing.
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Waiting 15 minutes for TFC to start playing
　
HALFTIME: TORONTO FC 1 - PUMAS UNAM 0
　
SECOND HALF:
45' - SUB: Doneil Henry for Danny Koevermans
49' - GOAL: Pumas UNAM - Marco Palacios
TORONTO FC 1 - PUMAS UNAM 1
65' - SUB: Javier Martina for Nick Soolsma
75' - SUB: Matt Gold for Richard Eckersley
90'+ - YELLOW CARD: Ashtone Morgan
　
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Not giving up 4 goals.
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Seeing your team play frightened on their home pitch.
　
FULL TIME: TORONTO FC 1 - PUMAS UNAM 1
　
THE MOOD:
For the first time since he took charge of TFC, we are openly critical of Aron Winter tonight. We never realized that his "system" included good old turtling. The Reds went into the half with a lead, and without Pumas being able to fully control the match, yet the decision was made to take off The Reds' only reliable offensive threat in exchange for a fifth defender - and an academy product at that.

Sometimes bunkering down with a lead against superior opposition is okay - possibly with a 2 goal lead with 20 minutes remaining. Inviting one of the region's best clubs to a 45 minute long shooting gallery is just plain uninspired, weak, and when only 3 points will truly do - unacceptable. To play that kind of "catenaccio" football you have to be sound in defence with solid ball skills. Considering the majority of TFC's defenders look like giraffes with seizures when the ball is at their feet, this was never going to end well. After a long season, it is disappointing that the fruits of Winter's "system" looked a lot like Preki's "system" from a year ago. Sadly, it looks as if Toronto’s Champions League hopes have gone the same route as well.

The match left us feeling: like playing "catenaccio" with our season tickets
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 (Matt Gold - ) / Andy Iro 5 / Ty Harden 4.5 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Julian de Guzman 6.5 / Matt Stinson 5.5 / Peri Marosevic 7 / Nick Soolsma 6 (Javier Martina 5.5 ) / Danny Koevermans 6.5 (Doneil Henry 6) / Ryan Johnson 5.5
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Julian de Guzman
TALKING POINT: Where did Preki get that Aron Winter costume? Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: "2011 or Bust" as The Reds try to tame Los Gatos

2011-09-26T12:11:00.003-04:00

Frings: Suspended due to impaling with foot

TORONTO FC (3rd) VS. PUMAS UNAM (1st)
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - GROUP C
　
BMO FIELD - TUESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SETANTA CANADA
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Many are saying Aron Winter gambled and lost in playing, and tiring, his 1st Team against Chivas USA on Saturday. There was a split amongst fans, some who favoured resting the team for this season-breaking tilt with Pumas with others wanting to "compete" at all costs. Of course, TFC couldn't have competed out of a paper bag at Chivas and now wearily face one of CONCACAF's best clubs in a match that could very well end all 2011 competitions. With talisman Torsten Frings out on suspension and Pumas once again playing their best team, The Reds are decided underdogs in a match where only 3 point will suffice. Fairly or not, a loss will be placed at Winter's feet. Oh well, at least TFC okayed the match to be shown on Setanta - so no one outside of the 8,000 at BMO (to be announced as 18,500 by MLSE) will see TFC's potential whimpering end to 2011.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Cat Comeback"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Julian de Guzman, Stefan Frei, Ryan Johnson
PUMAS UNAM: Martin Bravo, Juan Francisco Palencia, Dario Veron
　
THE ODDS:
- A loud "We Told Ya So" chant aimed at Aron Winter in 2nd Half: 5-1
- Literally dozens watching at home on Setanta: 10-1
- TFC trying to compete with Pumas' flamboyant kit by putting giant face of "Bitchy The Hawk" on front of shirt: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Those who follow our highly scientific research know that the "UNAM" in Pumas UNAM's name refers to the Mexico City University that they play out of and are controlled by. When Toronto was exploring bringing a MLS club to town back in 2005 they originally planned to follow this model. The first choice was Varsity Stadium where the team would have been called "Beavers UOT" with the second choice being a stadium on York University's campus with the club being named "Squirrels YU". Rejected was an owl-themed club on Ryerson's campus named "Whoo RU".
　
THE WAGER: 1-2 Pumas (2011: 22-20 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "2011 ENDS IN MEXICAN STANDOFF"

THE STARTING 11: Pumas' hotel demands

2011-09-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

The most interesting team in Mexico City

Some may say that being a CONCACAF super club is akin to being the tallest midget. To those negative nelly's we say... yeah, you're probably right. That being said, Mexico City's Pumas UNAM is one of the region's biggest and most storied clubs and when they roll into town they do carry some clout. We've always heard of rock stars and celebrities having outrageous demands when they visit our city, so we had to wonder - what would Pumas ask from their hotel as they mosey into Toronto?
　
11. Tabasco Sauce for morning coffee
　
10. Tell hotel security to just ignore nightly reports of firecrackers, cock fights and pistolas being shot into the air
　
9. Only want red, green and jumping M&M's
　
8. Every room to be provided with bowl of famous ethnic Canadian delicacy "The Timbit"
　
7. All TV's to be tuned into Telemundo so that no player has to miss the "Mexico's Got Talent" finale
　
6. Siesta wake-up calls
　
5. Complimentary fleecy bath-time ponchos
　
4. An extra room for the "Dos Equis Man"
　
3. Remove any of those "lazy people" from Belize from their floor
　
2. Front desk staff forced to perform Mexican Wave every time team passes by reception area
　
1. "The El Presidente Suite"