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Monday, November 10, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Signs that this TFC season wasn't as bad as everyone thinks

Get used to it you cesspool reading vocal minority. You negative Nellys (see what we did there?) need to look on the bright side of life with TFC. Like... it hasn't been 10 years without playoffs... yet. And stuff like that! Yes 2014 may have dropped out of the unzipped Vanney Pack and hit the soon-to-be-Argos turf with a thud, but this season had some tremendous positives as well. Like so...

11. Michael Bradley's optometrist has finally gotten over his fear of staring at another human in the eyes

10. "Yo mama" jokes found new life late in the season

9. Tim Leiweke stopped showing up to fan events in a size "Medium" TFC track suit jacket

8. Projected intra-squad headbutting incidents fell well short of pre-season fears

7. MLSE saved a bunch of money on their car insurance

6. British Airways frequent flier miles are through the roof!

5. Chris Konopka didn't once climb the CN Tower in order to swat at bi-planes

4. We can go to sleep at night with the image of Julio Cesar weeping gently in a tiny towel burned into our minds

3. Zero invisible cheques signed

2. The Reds finally reached their goal of becoming a feeder club to one of Cyprus' top ten clubs

1. Managers were capped at two

Monday, November 3, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Obvious Questions Omitted From The End-of-season Presser

Though everyone's favourite TFC fake news outlet was totally invited and even had our press passes FedEx'd over, we couldn't possibly make it due to our prior engagements and all of those other end of season press conferences we had to cover, the outro interviews came and passed with slightly more than a whimper, but a plethora of typical soundbytes. In the spirit of hard hitting journalism (from the back of the room, possibly while donning ski-masks), we give you the questions that we're too difficult to answer... or ask.

11. "Mr. DeRosario, are you SURE this is where and how you want to go out?"

10. "Mr. Bloom, can you say whether Michael Bradley has made an offer for your personal butler/valet services on the condition of Defoe's departure?"

9. "Joe Bendik, any truth to the rumour that you'll be on the undercard for the WWE Royal Rumble in January when you face off against Felipe?"

8. "T-Bez, as a believer in analytics of complex statistics, remind us again how the coaching replacement was the right move?  It seems the stats of winning, points and goals for all decreased dramatically right around the start of September."

7. "Doneil, it isn't that fucking APOEL you're going to, is it?"*

6. "Someone mentioned that Luke Moore has been on the panel for the last hour and answered one question out of nowhere.  Can anyone confirm this?"

5. "Nick Hagglund, on this line-up sheet, the word defender is crossed out and center forward is written above it. Are you sure you want this?"

4. "Hey Gilberto, with all of the other DPs skipping out for surgeries in their home countries, what secret surgery are you planning to get done back in Brazil?"

3. "Mrs. Defoe, since you can get your son out of here, is there anything you can do for Jackson?"

2. "Hi Greg, would you agree, philosophically speaking, that you can move forward and downward at the same time, yes?"

1. "To the Tims, have you been adding to the Big Book of Toronto FC Excuses and are you planning on selling copies of it to other expansions teams, or are you expecting them to dwarf this clubs accomplishments by their first five seasons?"

* = not a held view, generally indifferent to the Cypriot league