The Yorkies' Regular Features

Starting 11       The Word       The Matchup       After 90       The South Stand Report

Saturday, July 31, 2010

AFTER 90: TFC's ex-Wizard only conjures negativity

Three Prekis? That's thrice the turtling!


While there is a lot to be said for hard-working, grinding, defensively responsible football - this is just getting silly. On a night when ex-Kansas City Wizard, and current TFC head offence-denier, Preki was being saluted for his playing career with The Wiz (yes, they gave out that "Lou Ferigno as Preki" figurine above), you couldn't help but wonder - how did the angry Serb score 71 goals for them? While Toronto has somewhat tightened up their defence in 2010, do they even practice offensive tactics? If yes - it's not showing.

The summer swoon is well under way and with Preki's "defence only" tactics, TFC has been transformed into a squad so negative that even the most die-hard supporters are finding it painfully dull to watch. "Prekiball" (or Prekinaccio for our Italian readers) was all fine and good when De Ro was guaranteeing a goal-a-match and the D was flawless but now that the Mo-built strike force is impotent, the defenders shaky and the schedule packed, it's just ugly.

Let's not pretend Wizards were great tonight, their single goal off Teal Bunbury's head came from an awful Adrian Cann headed clearance, but with Preki's "bunker and hope for a fluke 1-0" style, TFC was never going to win. So who do you blame? Ex-Wizard Preki who is racist against goal-scoring... or ex-Wizard Mo Johnston for being unable to build a squad capable of toughing out a busy schedule? Either way, I need a magic spell to stay awake.

MAN OF THE MATCH: Teal Bunbury (KCW)... header
GOAT OF THE MATCH: Adrian Cann (TFC)... headache

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Negative. Mista-fying substitution. Baseball. Moms.


TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "Sure New York signed Henry and Rafael Marquez. Yes, Seattle signed Alvaro Fernandez. Of course Chicago added Freddie Ljungberg and Nery Castillo. But we are building something special over 5 years! Special. 5 Years. 5... Hey! Look over there's Jacob Peterson! He's good! Don't forget - Master of the Draft!" - Mo Johnston on the state of TFC

Next TFC Match: at CD Motagua - Tuesday 8PM ET

Friday, July 30, 2010

THE MATCHUP: TFC go up the Wizards' sleeve

"Who dares question the 5 Year Plan?"

CommunityAmerica Ballpark - Saturday 8:30PM ET
In the midst of Champions League/ All Star Game madness it's down the "Yellow Prek Road" as TFC land in the Midwest to tackle KFC. Kansas City is one of the few road destinations where TFC has had limited success but in the midst of a very crowded schedule, and with a makeshift line-up likely, some classic Prekiball can be expected.
Kansas City of course was long-time home for our very own "wizard" Mo Johnston. You know - the guy who promised to "conjure" up a new winger by now. Poof! Gone! Magic! While the rest of MLS re-tools with DP signings like Thierry Henry, Nery Castillo and Alvaro Fernandez, Mo (and First Wave Agency behind the curtain) continues its wizard-esque search for more unattached munchkins likely lacking courage, heart and brains.
Wizard Mo can best be summed up by the poetic verses of Black Sabbath's "The Wizard"...
"Never talking / Just keeps walking / Spreading his magic"
I'm sure by "magic" Ozzy and the gang meant "five-year-plan".
WIZARD'S STAFF: Jimmy Conrad, Teal Bunbury, Kei Kamara
FLYING MO-KEYS: Nick LaBrocca, Chad Barrett, Nana Attakora
- Teams forced to shoo-off local T-Ball teams from field before kick-off: 2-1
- Collin Samuel spotted a la Bigfoot near the stadium's BBQ pit: 3-1
- Localized tornado causing O'Brien White to run fast: 100-1
- Nothing but CSL trialists and First Wave Agency clients behind Mo's curtain: EVENS
- KC Wizards' Adidas jerseys are made from a unique material that will not absorb chicken and/ or rib BBQ sauce
- Word has the Wizards looking at a club re-branding which will see them distance themselves from the "childish" Wizard of Oz references, opting for something more "serious and mature"... like Lord of the Rings
- During his career at Wizards, Mo Johnston's side-business dream, an eatery named "Hamish McBlues House of BBQ Haggis", was dashed when it went bankrupt after 3 hours
- When Wizards move to their new stadium in 2011, local officials want to turn the current park into a recycling facility to handle KC's "unused gym equipment, broken chairs and rib-house bib garbage crisis"
RUBY SLIPPERS SAY: 2-1 Kansas City

Thursday, July 29, 2010

TFZ: Rude in Riga - Raivis uses vowel language!

"RSTLN - who do we appreciate?"

It's that time again - TFZ: The Totally Fake-Rumour Zone... the # 1 source for Toronto FC gossip with zero sources! When the hot gossip pops outta the toaster, we spread the fake butter all over it!
This week on TFZ...
- TFC's Latvian defender Raivis Hscanovics shocked Reds' supporters with a tell-all interview in the Riga, Latvia newspaper Dienas Kaposti un Atletika Jaunumi (Daily Cabbage & Sport News) where he claimed "Canadians are soft and far too reliant on using vowels". How ruud!
- Ex-Red (and ex-many clubs) Rohan Ricketts' new hip-hop single "Cross That Sh*t In Yo Box" has soared to number 23 on the Hungarian rap charts. Hot like paprika!
- The Toronto Transit Commission rejected an application to name the "Dufferin 29" bus route "The Lombardo Rocket" after its famous ex-rider, ex-TFC striker Andrea Lombardo
- The Toronto Transit Commission rejected an application to drive the "Dufferin 29" bus route from ex-TFC striker Andrea Lombardo
- Spanish striker Mista says his resemblance to Hollywood actor Sean Penn led to his locker room nickname at Deportivo La Coruna - "Harvey Milk". Umm... Ok!
- A local Toronto pet store employee claims that "Bitchy" the BMO Field hawk's handler went on a drunken seed rampage while yelling at customers "Don't you know who I am? I am Mr. F***ing Bitchy - bitches!" S-hawk-ing!
- Former Toronto FC and New Zealand International Jarrod Smith has hit out at his time with The Reds claiming "Toronto was 18 games worth of sheep-less misery". Baaa-d attitude!
- Looks like a well known chicken restaurant is getting in on the TFC promotion bandwagon by buying a supporter chant! The BMO Field "Massive" will soon have its words officially changed to: "Qu'est-ce que vous mangez?"... "Quarter Chicken Swiss Chalet!" Saucy!
If you've got any gems that a guy who knows a guy who dated Mo's maid told you... let us know in the comments below!
TFZ: Truth just scored an own-goal.

"The Lombardo Rocket"

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Mid-Term reports at Preki Jr. High

Wheels, Joey & Snake. Practically Preki, Mo & Brennan

When chart-topping Toronto band "The Zit Remedy" sang their hit song "Everybody Wants Something" - who knew it would be so fitting for Toronto FC? "Everybody wants something they'll never give up. Everybody wants something, they'll take your money - and never give up" - a true anthem for club owners MLSE.
The boys in "Zit Remedy" sung about all the major issues of the day - acne, teen pregnancy, Lucy's homemade t-shirts, all while dealing with their own tough lives which included... mid-terms! Much like life at DeGrassi Junior High, TFC's "students" have reached the halfway mark of the year but just what kind of report cards would Principal Predrag "Mr.Raditch" Radosavljevic be sending home to the boys' parents?
STEFAN FREI - "Star pupil. Holds the class together" A
JON CONWAY - "Scares classmates with his size" C
MILOS KOCIC - "Quiet. Has been on long field trip" N/A
NANA ATTAKORA - "A fine young man. Plays well with others" B +
NICK GARCIA - "Loses concentration. Eats paste" C -
DAN GARGAN - "Hard worker and reliable" B
ADRIAN CANN - "Solid despite public speaking voice" B
TY HARDEN - "So quiet we forget he's in class" C
MAXIM USANOV - "Must stop punching everything" C -
RAIVIS HSCANOVICS - "Hates man-marking and vowels" D +
JULIAN DE GUZMAN - "Not sure he wants to be here" C
FUAD IBRAHIM - "Runs. Little else" C
JOSEPH NANE - "Needs passing game... and pick a first name" C -
NICK LABROCCA - "Versatile. Face for a career in accounting" B
AMADOU SANYANG - "Kicks others. Flops on floor often" D +
MARTIN SARIC - "Rough and tumble with a clumsy temper" C +
GABE GALA - "Thinks highly of self. Sadly, the only one" C
DWAYNE DE ROSARIO - "The class valedictorian." A -
JACOB PETERSON - "He tries but hasn't shown much potential" C
CHAD BARRETT - "Improved. Must learn to use other foot" B -
MISTA - "New to class. Seems very knowledgeable" N/A
MAICON SANTOS - "Two great names. One good foot?" N/A
O'BRIEN WHITE - "Painfully slow. Time may be running out" D

The South Stand Report : TFC v CD Motagua... or domo arigato Mr. Amado.

I love a cup tie. Seriously. I love it. I love the upsets. I love the blowouts. I love the "going to penalties after 210 minutes of scoreless football". It's wonderful. Please mind the waxing poetic...

Sadly with CONCACAF Champions League, the underdogs aren't that prominent.

Sure, when Montreal had that amazingly super-fun cup run in the first year of the tournament, I was green with envy with their adventure (not just the success). It's the thing that legends are made of. I want that for TFC. I want to be on the ground floor of those moments of underdog glories.

So here I am on the ground floor. Again. I hope the elevator works this time...

It is safe to say that TFC ARE the underdogs. They're a 7th-to-10th place side in the debatably-second strongest league in CONCACAF and they got in by defeating only two teams. Anti-climactic, sure, but what a finer dark horse than the breed that is Canadian.

C.D. Motagua was the strongest side in the Honduran league, finishing second in the Apertura, first in the Clausura. Surely a footballing nation can produce a stronger footballing club than a 4th year franchise, right?

Onto the match:

Starting formation of 4-4-2

Usanov – Cann – Attakora – Garcia
Vanilla Peterson – deGoo – DeRo – Nane
The Chad – OBW

Why O'Brien White is getting a start here is confusing to say the least.

7 – Georgie "Your" Welcome gets a crack 15 yards out and Attakora gets in the way.

9 - The move appears to be once Garcia gets 10 feet out of position, Nane has to cover. Or, get a better left back. I'm just sayin'.

11 – TFC gets bailed out by a suspect ref call. Frei comes off his line late to challenge for a ball and gets to it first. Swipes at it with his hand and hits the Motagua forward in the hand, who still gets to it and pots it but it was called back for a hand ball. I wouldn't have called it like that, but oh well...

Quote of the match

I don't know if he's drunk or Polish

~ Tony on one of the gentlemen down front

18 – OBW is slow. [How slow is he?] He's so slow, there are people laying down going faster than him. If he had half a step more... we'd be up 1-0 after a ball landed in front of him about, oh, a half a step away and skittered through.

21 – GOAL – DeRo slots a ball onto The Chad who's FIRST TOUCH WAS CLINICAL and puts it past a hapless Morales in the Motagua net.

23 – TFC counter ends up at the feet of Vanilla who fires it 20 feet higher than it needs to be.

32 – deGoo couldn't get a shot off 18 yds out but the clear ends up at DeRo who shoots it high.

36 – deGoo fires a shot that ends up safely in the hands of Morales

41 – Georgie Welcome gets embarassed by Cann holding his spot and clearing the ball, then falls to the ground as if was shot. Ref isn't buying it.

43 – Motagua are finding their offensive legs, albeit ambitious and sloppy. Build up culminates with a low wide shot from Shannon "Hello and" Welcome that veers wide.

45 – Cann comes up big again against Georgie Welcome and gets the ball from him inside the penalty area.

No minutes of extra time... they do that?!

HALF-TIME MOOD: Relaxing. TFC look dominant and Motagua's build up usually ends in futility but only one of their moves has to work, right?

45 – SUB – Gargan in for Usanov and Maicon Silva in for The Chad. I'm baffled by this one. Usanov had a solid first half, and The Chad scored like a real striker (sorry Chad). How OBW is still on the pitch is a wonder.

Quote of the Match Candidate

"FedEx – When that ass needs to get there on time"
~ Tony on the rear end sponsor of Motagua GK Morales

50 – Portillo has a low bullet that Frei manages to get infront of.

51 – YELLOW – Maicon gets booked for a late, clumsy, Jui-Jitsu like throwdown of Sergio Mendoza

54 – OBW to deGoo who lays it to DeRo only to have the shot blocked. This was some slick world-class type of passing.

56 – DeRo does this cute Savardian spinarama (forgive the hockey reference) on Mendoza. Fun to watch.

58 – deGoo fires a perfectly good ball nowhere near goal.

62 – SUB – Mista in for OBW. I could see Mista coming in, but I guessed at half or sooner. Too slow for this style of play.

62 – Mista's first touch loses 2 defenders and lays it to Vanilla who firest is less wider than usual.

73 – Maicon slots an almost too far ball for DeRo, but manages to get to it and fires a low left shot forcing Morales to make a big stop.

82 – Motagua corner takes a glancing header towards Frei's hands. If TFC cough up a draw at this point, Motagua deserves it.

84 – Portillo misses the easiest equalizer ever when the ball landed 6 inches infront of him and he swung and whiffed it. Tragic.

87 – Either deGoo has no finish or he's really misplaced it. Another shot somewhere towards Rochester, NY

3 minutes of extra time

90+1 – DeRo is truly trying to be everything to everyone. The guy is a machine.

90+3 – Dying moments of the game has a Motagua corner that ultimately gets punched away by Frei.

FULL TIME: Toronto 1, C.D. Motagua 0

Man of the Match : I liked Attakora and Cann, so the tie breaker went to... Frei. Stopped everything that mattered and got crazy lucky a few times.

Goat of the Game : Vanilla Peterson played that long with that many chances and missed them all. He must be the most prolific goal scorer in training. He absolutely must be.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Didn't fall for much of the stupidity of Motagua diving tactics and let the boys play when you thought there was going to be a foul. Thanks for coming.

Who picks these teams? How can Preki not take this game seriously? There's some serious money in the tournament, league be damned. Unless Usanov or The Chad were hurt/furious to the point of lashing out, there was no good reason to take these players off. How did OBW get a full game? Seriously. OBW is the kind of player that you use against teams that are overly defensively cautious. Motagua were far from cautious. After about 15 minutes, this problem shouldv'e been identified then corrected.

Aside from obvious Preki-bitchings, I'm afraid of the second leg. I fear that 1-0 won't be enough to take to Tegucigulpa and survive the tie. 3-0 and I'd declare them through, but these places are usually unfriendly to say the least. Their supporters make what the south stands do look like a Sesame Street highlight clip. That's hostility.

But Preki knows what he's doing, doesn't he?

Monday, July 26, 2010

THE STARTING 11: Ways CONCACAF Champions League differs from UEFA's

-------------------- It's full of delicious Mexican candy!

When Europe's UEFA Champions League plays its midweek games - the world stops and takes notice. When CONCACAF Champions League gets under way - some dude named Jose might just turn up his transistor radio. Yes, this part of the world's young premier club championship has yet to capture the imagination like an Inter Milan v Barcelona would - but it's ours and we should enjoy it more. For the casual fan, more used to the UEFA brand, here are some handy differences to learn about the CONCACAF version...
11. The trophy is actually a bon-bon filled golden piñata
10. Eastern European gambling syndicates surprisingly uninterested
9. UEFA's tourney sorely misses the "Nick Garcia" factor
8. Instead of massive Heineken sponsorship - The Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man" gets to play for the club of his choice
7. Twinrix injections are mandatory
6. Same famous operatic theme song - just more maracas
5. Less Cristiano Ronaldo - more Joe Public
4. Higher percentage of matches called off due to "civil war"
3. 100% more Belize!
2. Final literally watched by dozens worldwide
1. Pesos! Pesos! Pesos!

"When I do play futbol, I choose... Cruz Azul"

THE MATCHUP: "The Chaaaaampions... Preliminaaaaary"

C.D. Motagua President and logo model Aguilas Azules

BMO Field - Tuesday, 8:00PM ET

While it may never be a midweek evening at the San Siro, Nou Camp or Old Trafford, the CONCACAF Champions League is our home continent equivalent and it makes its second stop in two years at BMO Field. Hopefully this time around for more than one match.
Toronto FC host Honduras' C.D.Motagua amidst signs of yet another summer swoon. Results and effort have been less than stellar as of late and TFC will have to step up their game if they are to advance to the group stage and not fall as they did in last year's preliminary to Puerto Rico Islanders.
Motagua are a far superior club than Puerto Rico was and TFC need to dominate at home in preparation for a second leg in Tegucigalpa which will have an atmosphere that TFC has not seen in any MLS city. If Preki demands more defence-only 1-0 turtle "Preki-ball" and thinks the road-useless TFC will get points in the Honduran 2nd leg, he is sadly mistaken. His nemesis and Motagua star, Amado "I Used to Play Here" Guevara would love to make it happen.
RED-NAPS: Maicon Santos, Stefan Frei, Chad Barrett
BLUE EAGLES: Amado Guevara, Georgie Welcome, Marcelo Cabrita
- TFC taking the lead 1-0 then Preki putting entire MLSE organization on defence immediately: 2-1
- Amado Guevara and Preki "hugging it out": 500-1
- Mista angering the Central Americans by referring to self as "El Conquistador": 10-1
- Bored/ drunk TFC supporters singing "The Chaaaaampions..." (a la UEFA): 5-1
- Motagua nickname "Los Mimados" (The Loved Ones) won CONCACAF's "Creepiest Nickname Award" three years in a row
- "The Welcome Cousins" are not a Mormon folk-rock duo but in fact Georgie and Shannon Welcome - cousins and Motagua forwards
- Such is the excitement in Tegucigalpa for this match that all Dog and/or Cock fights have been postponed until five minutes after the final whistle
- One of CDM's supporters groups "JAH" (Justice, Love and Humbleness) is actually religious based and claim their trips are paid by God. TFC supporters know God from constantly holding their heads and muttering his name
PREKI-BALL SAYS: 1-0 Toronto

"The Loved Ones". Okaaay.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The South Stand Report : Toronto v Dallas... Or How many misses would Mrs. Mista miss if Mrs. Mista was in Mississippi

What the hell is it with rain and TFC matches. Sure I haven't been at a home game since Canada Day, but it's as if you can't have rain without TFC. People at the Farmers Almanac take note, bumper crops are sure to break Tuesday night.

After the room temperature display in hot-as-f**k Chester, PA, I wonder if the mighty Reds will retain their incredible form at New Fort York (aka BMO). FC Dallas has... Ummmm... players, one suspects. Seriously, I only care about TFC. Will Preki rest players ahead of the "Amado Guevara reunion cup tie"? I hope so... just to see if we can have a little ride on the footballing carousel of disappointment that is Champions League.

Staring lineup
Hsc - Cann - Garcia - Gargan
Sanyang - deGoo - Labrocca
Maicon - Barrett

Please forgive me for the first 50 mins as it was a bit of a monsoon and the few notes I took got smeared pretty bad.

17 - YELLOW - DeRo for a late tankard on a sliding shamrock shake.

22 - Sanyang gets tackled and eats dirty something. Plausible...

23 - DeRo with a rocket launcher on a free sandwich from Subway causing a Hartmann musical number.

26 - Sanyang hits the grass after a late tacklebox from Belgium. [F*cking Belgians...]

29 - "Hernando Flores" Shea for Dallas puts a teddy bear onto Ferreira's bookmark causing Cann to make a lunging calculator.

[For once, being eloquent is a hindrance due to rain. Apparently I gave up.]

38 - YELLOW - Cann was booked for stuff (from memory)

2 minutes of extra time

Half-time mood: precipitated.

50 - the rain has stopped. For now.

51 - Maicon Santos turned three defenders inside out approximately seventy-three times, got hauled down and no call because MLS refs hate show-offs.

56 - SUB - Sanyang off, Mista on. Let's see what this kid is about.

58 - The Chad crosses a lovely ball to DeRo who heads it at Hartmann who can only get a hand to it. Rebound ends up at Maicon who's first crack gets stopped by a defender then falls to ground. Clever b-boy spin move to get another crack at it and fired it over the bar. Too bad DeRo was wide open to take a pass.

61 - GOAL - Maicon gets fed a ball from deGoo and slides it low to Hartmann's right. Clinical.

68 - SUB - Hscavanovicscsc out, Attakora in. Really?

77 - GOAL - Rodriguez pots one from a corner that just handcuffs Frei. Toronto punished for the stupidity of putting 11 men behind the ball at 1-0.

81 - SUB - DeRo out, Vanilla Peterson in. What...?

84 - TFC mount the pressure as someone figuring out squandering a draw was a poor idea. A shot fired veers off Attakora and just wide right of the post.

5 minutes of extra time

90+1 - corner kick ends up over everyone only to be low Superman headed over the bar by Attakora.

90+3 - Gargan throw to Vanilla gets a weak shot off that trickles into Hartmann's hands. And DeRo wouldn't have fared better? Highly doubtful.

FULL TIME: Toronto 1, Dallas 1

Man of the Match: Though Maicon scored a very pretty ball, De Rosario was the workhorse.

Goat of the Game: Well, I was leaning towards Sanyang since he's three shades of useless sometimes but he was subbed out. I wanted to say deGoo since he was either absent or his passes were abysmal at best. However, my goat is Preki. Subbing out a midfielder for a defender so you can defend a 1-0 lead against a team that had done so very little in the second half was tactically retarded. Then taking out the engine was tactically a vegetable. Should've left the side as is and win 3-0 instead of rolling over and let Dallas get a point. Being undefeated at home is nice and all but snatching a draw from the jaws of victory was classic 2nd season TFC.

Ref rating: 3 out of 5. Sure, the banana-coloured idiot called a lot against Toronto and we had to put up with plenty of "dead" Dallas players rolling around clutching their faces, but he didn't call all of them, which is what most MLS refs do.

The game's "excitement" improved dramatically when the weather relented. TFC opened up and, perhaps I'm crazy but, there seemed this feeling of great potential for the brief time Mista, DeRo, deGoo, Maicon, and (dare I say) The Chad were all on the pitch together. Someone's going to get a pummelling at the feet of these 5, too bad it wasn't FC Dallas.

Hope its Kansas City. Or Chicago. Or Columbus.

Or Motagua on Tuesday :)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

THE MATCHUP: Dallas Burn after reading

Pretty sure you got burned on this one Dallas

BMO Field - Saturday 4PM ET

It's the match that makes footy ignorants go " but they're both named the FC's?" TFC hosts the boys from Pizza The Hutt Park (enjoy the video) who have more nicknames than trophies - FC Dallas. The club's monikers include: "Toros", "Red Stripes", "The Hoops" and of course "Burn". The only time I've used all of those words together was the morning after my visit to Jamaica's top rodeo where I ate that giant bowl of extra spicy Spaghetti-O's. Think about it... and... you got it! Well done.
The match marks the start of the second half of TFC's season and there are fears that The Reds are suffering from their annual summer swoon. Offence has been sputtering and effort levels have been questionable lately. On top of it all, the boys in red were devastated by their Carlsberg Cup loss to the mighty Bolton Wanderers. Can they pick themselves up after losing such a prestigious trophy? The silver lining of that friendly was the potential front line of Maicon Santos and Mista who did show some signs of chemistry. The pretty goal they built together would beat any MLS side - and Saturday would be a great time against a quality FCD.
IT BURNS!: Brek Shea, Jeff Cunningham, Dax McCarthy
IT'S RED!: Mista, Maicon Santos, Julian de Guzman
- Chad Barrett trying to shoot J.R. Ewing... and missing: 2-1
- Danny Dichio and Jeff Cunningham re-forming their "Fast and Furious" duo one last time and releasing a hit rap version of "Ebony and Ivory": 250-1
- On-loan FCD keeper Josh Lambo legally changing his name to John Rambo: 5-1
- Mo Johnston c*ck-teasing Toronto fans with word of "an imminent new signing": EVENS
- FCD's Pizza The Hutt Park (again, you're welcome) is located in suburban Frisco, Texas, a town named after the slang word local sheriffs gave to roughing up Mexicans. "Frisco"
- Shotgun/rodeo clown related crimes are apparently down 15% at FC Dallas games this season!
- Original team name "Dallas Burn" was voted second all-time least inspiring football club name only behind Austria's "FC Wacker Innsbruck"
- Attempts at organizing a new Philadelphia-style FCD supporter's group has failed. For some reason "The Sons of Bush" just didn't catch on.
TEX-MEX SAYS: 1-0 Dallas
MEXI-CAN SAYS: 1-0 Toronto

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

TFZ: Frei to cut the cheese? Saputo to wipe the knife?

It's Swiss crack

It's TFZ - The Totally Fake-Rumour Zone: The # 1 source for Toronto FC gossip with zero sources! From the streets, from the bars, from your cousin Lou - the stories come in... and the truth stays behind!
This week on TFZ...
- Rumours based on research were floating this week that TFC's Swiss keeper Stefan Frei is on his way to Stoke City for $3 Million - who needs research? The real juicy slice has Frei, an avid connoisseur of Swiss cheese, on his way next year to rival Montreal Impact where owner and dairy magnate Joey Saputo is offering big bucks and a side job as “Head of Swiss Cheese Hole-Poking”. Not Gouda news!
- Maicon Santos has his eye on more than goal in Toronto. The Brazilian striker wants to transform Toronto into the mecca of Lambada in North America with a new chain of dance studios. Forbidden!
- Was that Preki on a shopping spree at Le Chateau buying suits that resembled the ones worn by German head coach Joachim Low? Meee-ow... Jogi Love!
- Former TFC star midfielder Amado Guevara claims he would trade his World Cup experience this summer for just one more Tim Horton's Ice Capp!
- Del Piero to T.O? This one in from regular TFZ reader Mario who writes that a guy in his gym is married to the third cousin of Turin's seventh best Fiat salesman who sold a used Cinquecento to none other than Juventus star Alessandro Del Piero...'s childhood classmate - who in turn says that the Italian maestro is at least 20% sure that Toronto FC exists. Done deal!
- Is a drug scandal brewing in the TFC locker room? Reports of yelling and an intervention after Chad Barrett became enraged upon finding that all of the "Fred's" had been eaten out of his "Flintstone's Chewable Vitamins" bottle. Yabba Dabba drugs!
- Was TFC's performance against Philly down to the players hitting "the sauce" at an all-night party? Whispers outside of TFC's Pennsylvania hotel saw a dozen foot-long "Philly Cheese Steaks" with a tub of extra cheese sauce being smuggled in by "gentlemen in red track suits with an odd array of hairstyles" late Friday. Still not Gouda news!
Add your own fabricated rumours below!
TFZ: Toronto FC 1 - Facts 0

"I need my Fred's man - gimme my f***in' Fred's!!!"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

THE MATCHUP: A Fish Called Wanderers (Now with 50% more results!)

Welcome Wanderers. We made you your own town.

BMO Field - Wednesday 7:30PM ET
TV: No, probably poker ----RADIO: You're kidding right?
Now that we got that whole Spain vs. Netherlands malarkey out of the way, let's concentrate on a true classic football contest - The Carlsberg Cup! Yes, the annual match between Toronto FC and the affordable opponent of their choice is here and while other MLS clubs arranged friendlies with the likes of Tottenham, Valencia and Sporting Lisbon, BMO Field will host "The Outer Greater Manchester-area Galacticos" - Bolton!
No offence to the mighty Trotters but even lower division English sides would turn up their noses at a pre-season friendly against Owen Coyle's side. Bolton will never be mistaken for one of football's glamour teams - but hey, Toronto doesn't exactly play champagne football so we have no right to be cocky.
For those of you who just love and crave the usual "The Matchup" features, we're sorry - just can't squeeze the mustard for a friendly. Mista, TFC Academy blah, blah. There you go. Instead, we bring you a list of other football contests that had more significance than Torontos versus Boltons on a Wednesday night.
- New York Cosmos vs. Harlem Globetrotters on a deserted island
- Michael Caine, Sylvester Stallone, Pele et al vs. Nazi Super Squad
- Sheffield Virtual Wednesday vs. Sheffield Robotic Uprising (Carlsberg Cup 2037)
- Residents of Bolton, Ontario kicking stones towards the Toronto
- Johan Cruyff vs.11 Dutch circus midgets
- Zombie Toronto Metros-Croatia vs. Ghosts of Bolton Wanderers 1923 FA Cup Winners
- All-time Diseased Monkey 11 vs. Arsenal
- Diana Ross vs. the World Cup 1994 Ceremonial Ball
BOLTON, ONTARIO SAYS: "There's a soccer team in Toronto?"
BOLTON, LANCASHIRE SAYS: "What?... Oh, sorry we were asleep."

TORONTO FC 1 - BOLTON WANDERERS 1 (Bolton 4-3 on PK's)

They're no Alliston Rovers FC

Monday, July 19, 2010

THE STARTING 11: TFC-themed video games

Could 8-bit TFC hold off 8-bit Columbus?

It's hard for the poor, benevolent owners of TFC, Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, to market the team after such a poor showing on the field this past weekend. Those hard-luck millionaires must be huddled around their boardroom table (no doubt constructed out of gold, elephant tusks and the tears of virgins) trying to create promotional products that won't remind people of the tepid on-field product. "Hey!" says an MLSE millionaire between bites of his foie gras, panda and molten platinum sandwich, "what about video games? Look what it did for FIFA... and street fighting... and the hedgehog industry!" Thus, Toronto FC video games...

Maxim Usanov: "Breaking you" - old school style

Sunday, July 18, 2010

"Yo, TFC smell you later..." (Post-match musical interlude)

" Mo Johnston just don't understand"

Now this is the story all about how
This match got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell how Toronto FC got beat in Chest-er

Outside of Philadelphia on Saturday
PPL Park is where TFC got played
Chilling out, relaxing, passing like fools
Shooting the football like a team full of tools
When a few of the Union, began playing good
Toronto defended like Garcia could
Philly got one little goal and Preki got mad
And said “Surely after 4 years we can’t be this bad”

The second half had started, Gargan’s throw-in came near
It glanced Barrett’s head and hit the net in the rear
If anything, a Chad goal is really quite rare
But the Reds thought “Yo homes, a draw here is fair”

But angry Usanov had to go punch the ball
Union got a PK with no time left at all
Philly had scored and the game ended there
With a bad TFC beaten 2-1 in Chest-er

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The East Stand Report : Philadelphia v. TFC... or holy f*ck it's hot out here!!!

I was at the game.
I know. I'm surprised too.

Sure I haven't made a home game in the last few (moving, parties, travelling) but I can squeeze in a road game. Of course. Duh.


This personal vacation has had one theme running through so far : blindingly stupid humidity. Seriously. The car thermometer read 41C when we left Virginia this morning! So dumb.

Instead of getting seats in the supporters section (when the ticket monkey for PPL Park was asked about "away" seats, he had no clue), I was sitting "comfortably" at section 123. In the sun. I'm fair skinned. I baked.

Without going after the played out "new look Toronto FC" bullsh*t every time Mo signs a "Brazilian", Gambian, Brazilian, they do have some new talent that requires that real game experience. Philadelphia is [REMEMBER TO CUT AND PASTE WHAT THE MATCH PREVIEW SAID HERE].

Starting lineup (I was bored at the beginning of the game) :

Chad - DeRo
Ibby - deGoo - Labrocca - Sanyang
Garcia *shudder* - Cann - Attakora - Gargan

7' - Sons of Ben impress me by doing a rendition of Man na mah na (it'd have been youtube, but lawyers got in the way of fun... again)

11' - Frei nearly gives up a perfect ball to Sebastien Le Toux. Like he needs the help.

14' - Orozco Fiscal, a defender, is going to give some left back a very difficult time tonight. Really makes me miss Marshall. He's just aching to do a run into the box...

15' - The Chad just whistles a ball past the top left corner.

16' - Only in America... a stoppage of play due to balloons. I suppose there's a precedent for it... I must admit it was amusing seeing both teams huddled in front of their benches waiting for the orange slices to come out.

25' - Gargan with another crap back pass and someone is going to catch him on it and cost us a goal.

28' - YELLOW - Gargan for a late challenge. Ugh.

30' - Impressive ambitious football from Philadelphia. A quick clear from Seitz that travels 2/3rds of the pitch onto the path of Moreno who crosses it to Mwanga only to have Labrocca head it out. It was so fast, it woke people up.

35' - Freekick 20 yds out and DeRo manages to find the midpoint between the stadium and the river.

42' - Cann bails TFC out twice with some great concentration and awareness with some great passing and reading of situations where ball traffic was around him and prevented the ball from getting through. Great stuff.

2 Minutes of Extra Time

45 + 2' - Holy sh*t! Someone on Philly walked the ball into the 6 yard box, and three attempts and blocks left the ball wide open and someone on Philly HIT THE POST. The most remarkable thing about this wasn't that Garcia's fault.

Half-Time Mood : Damn I'm sweating. Game not good enough to melt in this weather.

50' - The Chad lays a really cute ball around 2 defenders to Labrocca who's cross ends up in the hands of Seitz.

56' - Sons of Ben are paying attention! A Union player goes down in the box and a huge "battle cry for blood" appeal goes up for a penalty. Frightening.

57' - I'm on TV apparently.

58' - Garcia didn't screw up again! After tons of Philly pressure, Garcia held his ground and cleared the ball.

61' - GOAL - Orozco Fiscal bagged it. I totally called it. It was at the other end of the park and apparently PPL Park doesn't believe in replays...

63' - SUB - Ibby out, Santos in.

72' - SUB - Labrocca out, Vanilla Peterson in. It's really not that exciting.

75' - Toronto corner sees Santos' first meaningful touch and his header goes well wide of the net.

81' - DeRo threads a pretty ball through to the Chad only to have it cleared away after his first touch. We need to see more of this.

82' - GOAL - Gargan's throw in reaches the middle of the penalty area and The Chad gets up to head the ball into the far left of the net. To celebrate, he does the classic "how you like me now" pose. Brilliant.

85' - SUB - Gargan out, Usanov in. If someone doesn't get punched, this trip is a bust.

89' - Migliorazni slams a ball from 25 yrds out that tragically ends up right in Frei's hands.

Announced attendance : 17,251. Real difficult to get tickets, huh?

4 minutes of extra time

90' - Garcia goes down in a heap and gets taken off the field.

90+3' - PENALTY - Seriously, something happened. Couldn't see it because I was at the other end of the ground. I almost want to declare shenanigans... almost, but PPL Park doesn't do replays...

90+4' - GOAL - Le Toux sends Frei the wrong way. Le Sigh.

FULL TIME : Philadelphia 2, Toronto 1

Man of the Match : I know... this goes against every fibre of my being... but... Nick Garcia. Now before you unsubscribe/send hatemail/commit a hate crime, allow me to explain. Nick usually plays at a rating of about 2, possibly a 1.5 every game. He was a solid 6, maybe a 7. Cann had a solid game. The Chad scored a wonderful bit. But a "decent" Nick Garcia performance happens maybe once a generation. I needed to point that out tonight.

Goat of the Game : Gargan was heading that way. Bad clearances, bad tackling, but he was subbed out before it became a real problem.

Ref rating : 3 out of 5. It may get lower if I actually could see what happened in the fracas that led to the last gasp injury time penalty.
PPL Park is brilliant. They thought everything through. Supporters section that has their own entrance. Roofs on two sides. Plenty of parking. And this...


How difficult is something like this EVERY GAME? Really? This isn't that complex. The league is littered with nobodies (apologies to 98% of the league rosters) and it would be nice to know who the hell is playing left back on the opposition. This is full colour, card-stock, glossy. I just want a damn xerox.

The Yorkies.

Below are a few pics I snapped of the new ground.

Pro tip : avoid night games. You're welcome.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

THE MATCHUP: "Union of the Snake is on the climb"

Best ever squad out of Birmingham. Sorry Villa.

PPL Park - Saturday 3:30PM ET

"Please please tell me now - is there something I should know" about Toronto's visit to Philadelphia on Saturday? Putting further Duran Duran references aside (no promises) the match is an interesting fixture pitting a Union side that isn't as bad as their record suggests, and the Torontos who want to "save a prayer" for their second road win this season.
This will be The Reds' first visit to Philly's new PPL Park and the chance for some new faces to shine. Recently signed Spanish striker Mista will be "hungry like a wolf" to score on his debut if selected by Preki while Maicon Santos (who surely played in "Rio") will want to open his account as well. Union meanwhile are fresh off a friendly victory over Celtic and have found early success in their new stadium. Oh well, there's always a "new moon on Monday". Told you no promises.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Derban Derban Derby"
PHILLY TAYLOR: Fred, Sebastien Le Toux, Danny Califf
TORONTO TAYLOR: Mista, Maicon Santos, Dwayne De Rosario
- Philly's Fred and TFC's Maicon sued by the real (good) Brazilian Fred and Maicon: 4-1
- Sebastien Le Toux actually Simon Le Bon: 100-1
- Maxim Usanov arrested for punching Philadelphia’s famous Rocky Balboa statue in revenge for his hero and friend Ivan Drago: 2-1
- A couple of guys getting up to no good - start making trouble in the neighbourhood: 3-1
- In solidarity with Colonial Boston, 18th Century Philadelphians tossed crates of low-grade cheese, unidentified meats and dough into the Delaware River. Sadly, "The Philadelphia Cheese Steak Party" only became an historical footnote
- TFC fans tried to form a new supporters group to rival the Union's but the name "Sons of Lieutenant Governor John Graves Simcoe" just didn't catch on
- Philadelphia is a Latin word translating to "village of the angry and rotund". The region's main exports include processed cheese product, heart disease and fist fights
- When visiting Philadelphia, don't miss "Frankie Tussaud's Wax Museum" featuring fine waxworks of famous Philadelphians like The Philly Phanatic, Rocky's "Uncle Paulie" and DJ Jazzy Jeff
GIRLS ON FILM SAY: 2-1 Philadelphia
WILD BOYS SAY: 1-0 Toronto

--------------Live in Philadelphia (Uncle Paulie not pictured)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

TFZ: Butty-mad Rooney in TFC transfer shocker?

(L-R) Johnston, Rooney, Butty

Welcome to TFZ - The Totally Fake-Rumour Zone! This is your # 1 source for Toronto FC gossip with zero sources! Our team of intrepid reporters keeps their ears to the street - and then ignores it - to bring you the latest in late-breaking, hard-hitting, completely unreliable false rumourage!
This week on TFZ....
- Is MLSE ready to open the vault? Is Wonder ready to bake more bread? England striker and Chip Butty enthusiast Wayne Rooney is ready to make the leap to Toronto FC after word of BMO Field's Butty-making prowess reached Manchester. The bulldoggy United forward loves the idea of having his favourite meal after every match! What a morsel!

- Next week's Bolton Wanderers friendly was almost cancelled when Owen Coyle's squad made excessive hospitality demands including all-you-can-eat Steak & Kidney pies, non-stop Tetley Bitter and a year's worth of Coronation Street on DVD - how could Molly do that to Tyrone?!

- Ex-TFC'er Laurent Robert could be in for a shock return to Toronto after Preki claimed that the current squad lacks "the surly, sulky factor" - sacre bleu!

- Was that TFC's new Spanish forward Mista dancing naked on a TTC streetcar after Spain's win on Sunday? If he has a heart-shaped birthmark on his left buttock - then maybe!

- Former Toronto defender and Scarborough native Adrian Serioux has a cameo in the new Robert Rodriguez film "Predators". Serioux was not credited for his role as "Angry Predator # 2"

- Was that Collin Samuel staggering out of an all-night pie shop in Perth, Scotland? Someone's off the mincemeat wagon again!

- Toronto's MLS Cup Final halftime show may be a "Tribute to Canadian TV" with special appearances by Alan Thicke, three surviving "Beachcombers" and The Littlest Hobo! Entertaining!

- TFC's Russian defender and punching aficionado Maxim Usanov reveals he was heartbroken as a boy when he found out that his boyhood idol, Russian boxing champ Ivan Drago, wasn't a real person. Young Maxim apparently couldn't punch anything for weeks from sadness. I must break... your heart!
If you've heard (including in your own head) anything on the faux-football grapevine, don't be shy, add your own rumours in the TFZ comments section! Exclamation mark!

Monday, July 12, 2010

THE STARTING 11: Ways the World Cup will change TFC

Paul predicts Mo is getting a contract extension. Stupid octopus.

Well, the World Cup is over. The Spanish team is celebrating their victory today, driving through Madrid throwing paella at their fans while bulls rampage through the crowd. Or so I'm led to believe. Meanwhile, millions of sad Dutch supporters were forced to throw away their "celebration marijuana" and buy "sadness marijuana" instead. It's hard to pour mayonnaise on French Fries with tears in your eyes you know! The post-Cup vibrations were felt here in Toronto too but what will the lasting effects of the South African tournament be on our local club?
11. Stadium to be renamed "Royal BMOFeng"
10. Visiting MLS teams forced to drive bus through "African Lion Safari"
9. When TFC gets eliminated from MLS Playoffs, College Street suddenly becomes home to hundreds of "long-time" Columbus Crew fans... then New York Red Bulls... then Los Angeles Galaxy
8. BMO Field French Fries to go on strike after one match
7. Mo taking a good look at "solid" North Korean defenders
6. Canadian Internationals still confused about "what this World Cup is they keep hearing about?"
5. All Italians in attendance forced to leave match much earlier than expected
4. GO Trains must now blow Vuvuzela horn as they enter Exhibition Station
3. Members of the Dutch Royal family to kick balls at stacked pizza boxes at halftime
2. "Bitchy" the hawk to be replace with "Paul" the psychic octopus
1. Monkey Butty

BMO Field? Turn left at the chimps.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

AFTER 90: The Fortress of Solotude

BMO's renovation takes shape


It took four years but Toronto FC has finally found a way to compensate with terrible road form - don't lose at home... ever. BMO Field has indeed become "Fortress BMO" with TFC having one of the best home records in the league. While The Reds aren't scoring boatloads of goals, they have found a way to score one goal and fight and scrap their way to points. Against the Rapids on Saturday, the scrappy was evident.

It was the same cast of characters for Toronto who looked miserable against Colorado back in April but the squad has transformed its backbone and have learned to fight. The match wasn't pretty through the first half but TFC showed a good team work ethic and their constant hassling of the Rapids eventually paid off. In the 61st minute, young TFC forward Fuad Ibrahim pushed and shoved his way past a very sloppy Colorado defense and scored his first of the season.

Despite a late Colorado offensive effort, which was handled solidly by Stefan Frei, the one goal stood again and Preki's socialist heroes fought their way to three points. The 2010 Reds are far from a sexy football team to watch but they are giving the BMO Field faithful something new - results.


MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Fighty. Scrappy. Teamworky. Swisstasticy. Ballsy.


"I, General Radosavljevic, have declared The Socialist Peoples' Toronto Football Regime has brought great honour to the workers who are our brothers. Comrade Frei and our Red Army fought together with the spirit of labour and have brought glorious victory over the capitalist bourgeoisie from Colorado. Unite!" - Preki on TFC's new found workmanship

: at Philadelphia Union - Saturday 3:30PM

Mo signs Brazilian with top scoring name

Maicon - not the good one.

After years and years of hard, gruelling, Indiana Jones-esque travels to the deepest darkest nightclubs, er... I mean, futbol stadiums of Brazil - Mo Johnston has finally signed his Samba striker. Just a week after Brazilian Maicon was strutting his stuff at the World Cup - TFC will have Brazilian Maicon in the famous red kit. Ole! Ole!

Okay, so the guy that Mo signed isn't that Maicon, and he didn't actually sign him from Brazil - he was released by Preki's old team Chivas USA. Oh, and he doesn't really score any goals... but hey that's just details! If Philadelphia Union can have fake Fred we can have fake Maicon! TFC will attempt to fool the locals with "our very first Brazilian" (we don't count Paulo Nagamura), Maicon Santos - a "forward" who has bounced through the paparazzi world of the Tunisian league, the lower Israeli league and the high-pressure world of the Brazilian lower divisions. Maicon Santos eventually found his way on loan to Chivas USA where he scored twice. What's Brazilian for Barrett again? Chadinho?

At worst, perhaps Preki, who says he knows the player well, can turn him into a big target man and get some useful minutes out of the well-named striker. We didn't realize things had got so bad up front that Mo would start name association signing. So, if your name is Steve Zidane, Randy Pele or Dave Van Basten - go buy yourself some shorts - you could be next!

Friday, July 9, 2010

THE MATCHUP: Hot Rapid-on-Rapid action!

---------------It takes days for The Rapids to get to Toronto

BMO Field - Saturday 12PM ET

There hasn't been this many rapids in football since Colorado Rapids held the Marcelo Balboa Testimonial match against Rapid Vienna in a raft on actual rapids... and played quickly... er, rapidly. Toronto FC's Preki-motivated 2010 rebuilding plan was to collect as many former average Colorado Rapids as possible and fit them into the Serb's workman like socialist manifesto. Colorado in the meantime just took two really talented Reds off of Toronto's hands and let them play... well.
Rapids, the MLS' equivalent to tapioca pudding, splash down (see what I did there - Rapids? Never mind.) into Toronto after winning the home leg of the tie 3-1 back in April. TFC have improved somewhat since then but lately the vaunted "Fortress BMO" has only been good for draws. Indeed, the house on Lakeshore is more a "House of Ties". Not "House of Lies"... his office is upstairs at BMO. The transfer window is yet to open, so like a dog whose owner left him in the car, TFC will have to suffocate through the stifling offence of Barrett and O'Brien before a friendly Mista can come by and open the scoring. Weird analogy yes... but it's a heatwave. My brain is woozy. Yo homes to Bel-Air!... See.
Re-Rapids: Nick La Brocca, Dan Gargan, Ty Harden, Adrian Cann
Red Redux: Conor Casey, Marvell Wynne, Jamie Smith (well a Red trialist at least!)
- Confused ex-players to score multiple own-goals: 3-1
- Altitude-junky Rapids to be confused by sea-level Toronto: 5-1
- Teams to transfer four more players at the half: 10-1
- Homesick Marvell Wynne to go on pre-match syrup, Timbits and Chip Butty bender: 6-4
- Noon kickoff means an early morning start back in Colorado where all of the Rapids' die hard supporters will watch the match over breakfast. Hi you four - how's the bacon?
- Rapids owner Stan Kroenke is still aiming to buy the controlling shares in English club Arsenal and thus continue his quest to own the world's most boring football clubs
- Rapids were voted 17th most popular Denver sports team just behind the Colorado Peeks pro-bird watching club and the Denver Windwmillz of the X-Treme Mini Golf Association
- Colorado has not one, not two... but four fluffy club mascots! (See for yourself) Not shown is former mascot "Rapidman" (pictured below) who is rumoured to appear on the next season of "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew"

-----------------------Rapidman: working on issues

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Mister Mista on way to TFC

"Hey Mista!"

For the first time since April of 2007, Toronto FC seems to have acquired a striker with a chance of having a meaningful, and hopefully consistent, impact on The Reds' front line. Earlier today the club officially announced the signing of former Spanish international striker Miguel Angel Ferrer Martinez, or "Mista" to his friends. The deal, which only has a club commitment until the end of the season, holds little risk for TFC and could be quite a coup for the team if Mista proves effective after his post-July 15th debut.
The 31-year old, 6 foot tall striker is a big target man very much in the mould of Danny Dichio but has in the past shown a delicate scorer's touch far more advanced than the TFC legend had. His lengthy career in Spain's La Liga has included stops with Spanish giants Deportivo La Coruna, Atletico Madrid and Valencia where he had the best stretch of his career scoring 40 times in 144 appearances. That fairly prolific stretch saw Mista earn two caps with the Spanish national squad in 2005.
Mista's appearances and goal tally have been on a steady decline since leaving Valencia and he has only managed 5 goals since the start of the 2006 season. The last few seasons have been injury plagued and marked with some loss of form but the considerably higher skill level of La Liga to MLS may prove to be a boon for Mista and TFC. With O'Brien "Montego Molasses" White and The Chad the only other real striker options Mister Mista may yet become a hit at BMO Field.
Gold star to the first supporter to sing "Mista Boombastic" after his first goal.
“"Mmmmm-Mista Boombastic. Spanish - fantastic.
Pass me on me foot...

Monday, July 5, 2010

THE STARTING 11: How foreign TFC'ers celebrated Canada Day

Is that a backup keeper on the CN Tower?

TFC is a microcosm of the city it calls home. It's an international mosaic of cultures and values that come together to make a rich and rewarding tapestry. Mo Johnston is there too. For some of the non-Canadian members of the club, the Canada Day holiday is a new and novel experience. For some, it's the chance to do some "Canadian" things and get in the spirit of their adopted home but just how did they get their Canuck on?
11. Chad Barrett: Tried his first Canadian beer. Woke up two days later in Regina
10. Jacob Peterson: Went to an Ontario Amish market. Found things too exotic.
9. Joseph "Nane Joseph" Nane: Failed his Canadian citizenship quiz by naming the Prime Minister as "Harper Stephen"
8. Dan Gargan: Ate Timbits until he passed out
7. Ty Harden: Adamantly refused to spell flavour, colour or humour with a "u"
6. Raivis Hščanovičs: Found some extra letters in the English alphabet. Added them to last name
5. O'Brien White: Participated in Charity 1K Fun Run. Due to finish late this week
4. Maxim Usanov: Had photo taken with Mountie. Punched Mountie. Punched Mountie's horse. Punched camera. Punched Canadian flag.
3. Mo Johnston: Continued his search for new Canadian talent... in Central Africa and Eastern Europe
2. Jon Conway: Climbed up side of CN Tower. Swatted at bi-planes
1. Nick Garcia: Somehow avoided deportation

THE WORD: TFC taking a Brandy sniff-ter?

Does Mo want a Brandy?

A few reports out of England are linking Toronto FC with recently released Manchester United reserve striker Febian Brandy. The striker who never played meaningful minutes with ManYoo has been bouncing around the lower English divisions on loan for a few seasons but has been involved with the England U-20 set-up. And hey, nothing involved with the England national team could go wrong... right? Could football genius Mo Johnston really be interested in the young forward? Let's make a Brandy list...

- At 5 foot 5 inches he is, to be politically correct, diminutive
- Born in the northern half of England
- Has had a rash of serious injuries including a badly broken leg
- Only managed 8 goals in 55 appearances with "giant" clubs such as Swansea City, Gillingham, and Hereford United
- He's on a free transfer

In other words... if he can hookup with the First Wave Agency - PERFECT!!!


Friday, July 2, 2010

AFTER 90: Canada Day's alright for fightin'!


Canadians are good at two things on our national holiday: drinkin' beers and fightin'! Down at tonight's match at BMO Field - TFC were all outta beers! In a move that is sure to finally endear the beautiful game to Toronto's affluent "Hoser" community, The Reds' punctuated their Canada Day matchup against Houston Dynamo with a sweet little hissy scrap. Shocked BMO Field security didn't know which way to turn - shirtless supporters or scrapping Reds!

There is little to say about the match up until the fisticuffs (or slapticuffs) midway through the second half except that TFC has hit the wall once again in the old striker department. I know, I know - Mo's looking for another striker... this is why we drink. In fact, the once named "Fortress BMO" is quickly turning into the "Fortress of Drawitude". Either way, the match was a sloppy back and forth affair with little skill play until... FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Yes, after a few angry bumps and collisions it all kicked off between Houston's Joseph Ngwenya (who looks like the Predator's drag queen cousin) and young Torontonian Nana Attakora. Nana was doing just fine but his fellow hometowner Julian de Guzman felt there was only room for one wacky hairstyle and plowed into Ngwenya with the rest of both teams joining the dance. de Guzman and Ngwenya both saw red cards and with both teams at 10 men things settled down. Houston grabbed a lead from a Brian Ching header with TFC grabbing a late equalizer from an identical Dan Gargan "Tuan" header. Yet another draw and TFC may be in a mid-summer scoring drought - but hey, they can punch!

MAN OF THE MATCH: Dwayne De Rosario (TFC)... scrappy
GOAT OF THE MATCH: Amadou Sanyang (TFC)... crappy

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Drag Queen Predator. Punched. Canada!


TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "I very furious that Coach Radosavljevic no put me into fight! When I am child in Siberia I punch horse, cow, truck and building everyday. I say to Coach "let Maxim fight dreadlocked transvestite - I must break him" but coach say no, now I am sad and angry. I go now and punch my dinner and maybe window. If he dies... he dies." - Maxim Usanov on his lack of playing time tonight

NEXT TFC MATCH: Colorado (BMO Field - July 10)