THE STARTING 11: Wasted puns due to Sporting Kansas City's re-branding

Wait for it...

From a football league point of view, we think the re-branding job done by Saturday's opponent Sporting Kansas City was aces. Any time a MLS club shakes their former roller hockey nickname, an angel gets his wings. Looking at you Impact. That being said, the rainbow madness that was Kansas City Wiz/Wizards was always such a nice pun-filled bonus for blog hacks like us. Fixtures against the ex-Wiz now see great/awful punmeat like so go wasted...

11. "Reds hit tough spell"

10. "There's no plays like at home"

9. "Waste the rainbow!"

8. "A cauldron of sh*t"

7. "Up the Wizard's sleeve"

6. "You shall not pass! Or score!"

5. "Wiz all over us"

4. "S-Orr-cery" / "Orr-lock"

3. "MLSE finds pot of gold... under beer stand"

2. "Bumbledorks"

1. "Bored of the Rings"

THE STARTING 11: Failed re-branded Kansas City club names

Mixed in the pre-MLS Cup shuffle was the news that the absurdly named Kansas City Wizards (formerly The Wiz!) were being "re-branded" by their owner as the far more footballyer Sporting Kansas City. Opinion is split in MLS circles whether this was a necessary step in making Kansas City a more "respected and relevant" club or whether it was turning their backs on their, albeit young, history. Personally we think it's a massive improvement over one of early MLS's "roller hockey" names and a step which other clubs (i.e. Newton Heath to Manchester United and Dial Square to Arsenal) have made in their formative years. Apparently Sporting wasn't a home run though and there were a list of other worthy (or not-so) finalist names for the Nu-Wiz...
　
11. Kansas City City
　
10. Midwest Ham United
　
9. Olympique De Missouri
　
8. Kansas City Reals
　
7. Farma FC
　
6. Wizardhampton Wanderers
　
5. KFC
　
4. Kansas City Kaizer Chiefs
　
3. BBQ Hamburger SV
　
2. Corninthians
　
1. FC Kansaslautern

AFTER 90: TFC's ex-Wizard only conjures negativity

Three Prekis? That's thrice the turtling!

KANSAS CITY 1 - TORONTO FC 0

While there is a lot to be said for hard-working, grinding, defensively responsible football - this is just getting silly. On a night when ex-Kansas City Wizard, and current TFC head offence-denier, Preki was being saluted for his playing career with The Wiz (yes, they gave out that "Lou Ferigno as Preki" figurine above), you couldn't help but wonder - how did the angry Serb score 71 goals for them? While Toronto has somewhat tightened up their defence in 2010, do they even practice offensive tactics? If yes - it's not showing.

The summer swoon is well under way and with Preki's "defence only" tactics, TFC has been transformed into a squad so negative that even the most die-hard supporters are finding it painfully dull to watch. "Prekiball" (or Prekinaccio for our Italian readers) was all fine and good when De Ro was guaranteeing a goal-a-match and the D was flawless but now that the Mo-built strike force is impotent, the defenders shaky and the schedule packed, it's just ugly.

Let's not pretend Wizards were great tonight, their single goal off Teal Bunbury's head came from an awful Adrian Cann headed clearance, but with Preki's "bunker and hope for a fluke 1-0" style, TFC was never going to win. So who do you blame? Ex-Wizard Preki who is racist against goal-scoring... or ex-Wizard Mo Johnston for being unable to build a squad capable of toughing out a busy schedule? Either way, I need a magic spell to stay awake.

MAN OF THE MATCH: Teal Bunbury (KCW)... header
GOAT OF THE MATCH: Adrian Cann (TFC)... headache

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Negative. Mista-fying substitution. Baseball. Moms.

SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "WIZARDS SALUTE PREKI FOR KC CAREER... AND EASY 3 POINTS"

TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "Sure New York signed Henry and Rafael Marquez. Yes, Seattle signed Alvaro Fernandez. Of course Chicago added Freddie Ljungberg and Nery Castillo. But we are building something special over 5 years! Special. 5 Years. 5... Hey! Look over there's Jacob Peterson! He's good! Don't forget - Master of the Draft!" - Mo Johnston on the state of TFC

Next TFC Match: at CD Motagua - Tuesday 8PM ET

THE MATCHUP: TFC go up the Wizards' sleeve

"Who dares question the 5 Year Plan?"

KANSAS CITY (12th) VS. TORONTO FC (8th)
　
CommunityAmerica Ballpark - Saturday 8:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO & PACIFIC ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
In the midst of Champions League/ All Star Game madness it's down the "Yellow Prek Road" as TFC land in the Midwest to tackle KFC. Kansas City is one of the few road destinations where TFC has had limited success but in the midst of a very crowded schedule, and with a makeshift line-up likely, some classic Prekiball can be expected.
　
Kansas City of course was long-time home for our very own "wizard" Mo Johnston. You know - the guy who promised to "conjure" up a new winger by now. Poof! Gone! Magic! While the rest of MLS re-tools with DP signings like Thierry Henry, Nery Castillo and Alvaro Fernandez, Mo (and First Wave Agency behind the curtain) continues its wizard-esque search for more unattached munchkins likely lacking courage, heart and brains.
　
Wizard Mo can best be summed up by the poetic verses of Black Sabbath's "The Wizard"...
"Never talking / Just keeps walking / Spreading his magic"
I'm sure by "magic" Ozzy and the gang meant "five-year-plan".
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Return to Moz"
　
WIZARD'S STAFF: Jimmy Conrad, Teal Bunbury, Kei Kamara
FLYING MO-KEYS: Nick LaBrocca, Chad Barrett, Nana Attakora
　
THE ODDS:
- Teams forced to shoo-off local T-Ball teams from field before kick-off: 2-1
- Collin Samuel spotted a la Bigfoot near the stadium's BBQ pit: 3-1
- Localized tornado causing O'Brien White to run fast: 100-1
- Nothing but CSL trialists and First Wave Agency clients behind Mo's curtain: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
- KC Wizards' Adidas jerseys are made from a unique material that will not absorb chicken and/ or rib BBQ sauce
- Word has the Wizards looking at a club re-branding which will see them distance themselves from the "childish" Wizard of Oz references, opting for something more "serious and mature"... like Lord of the Rings
- During his career at Wizards, Mo Johnston's side-business dream, an eatery named "Hamish McBlues House of BBQ Haggis", was dashed when it went bankrupt after 3 hours
- When Wizards move to their new stadium in 2011, local officials want to turn the current park into a recycling facility to handle KC's "unused gym equipment, broken chairs and rib-house bib garbage crisis"
　
RUBY SLIPPERS SAY: 2-1 Kansas City
RUBY SNOWSHOES SAY: 1-1 Draw
HEADLINE: "THESE WIZ ADD... PERSONALITY! ADD PERSONALITY!"

The South Stand Report : Toronto v Kansas City... or Am I Seeing Blue or Teal On The Pitch?

Yeah, it was a sh*t pun...

Who remembers the MISL? This guy..

After all of the f'ing rain we've been delivered and promised, we break with tradition and are blessed with a sunny day with moderate cloud cover. I was starting to think I was travelling to Glasgow on match day...

In our next-to-final game before the World Cup break *cough*En-ger-land*cough*, TFC is defying all odds, well mostly ours, and playing some productive, aggressive and, dare I say it, victorious football lately. I know, I'm startled just re-reading that. All predictions came flying in with pro-TFC results, including my own 2-0. Yes, I know predictions are pointless since I never get them right. Except that one time I called for a hat trick from Chad and he bagged a brace... strange.

Wonder how Garcia will screw up this game. Own goal perhaps?

Anyways...

8' - Vanilla Peterson gets a through ball from DeRo and fires a shot that was stopped by KC's Nielson's face. You're welcome.

16' - Barrett gets a low cross in that ricochets around and goes out for a corner.

Seriously, 16 minutes and THIS is all I've got to report. It's gonna be one of those games...

27' - RED - Nick Garcia for a clumsy tackle barrelling into Kei "Whups" Kamara. Bookable? Yes. Send-off-able? No. It was a overblown call, but the ref maybe doing us a favour. He must know we hate him too.

I think the main point was that this moment sparked discussion:

Are we better off having Garcia on the pitch as an 11th man or having 10 without him?

That's some serious philosophical pondering in there...

32' - Ryan Smith fires a ball from 20 yds out forcing Frei to make a leaping-tip over the bar type of save. There's probably a better way of writing that out, but I don't care.

38' - The Chad breaks free and stumbles over the ball, but manages to maintain control slotting a pass through the box to DeRo who gets hauled down and NO CALL but the pass had enough momentum for deGoo to fire a shot at Nielson forcing a great stop from 15 yds out.

43' - Kansas City press, (finally) threatening as a looping ball comes into the 6 yd box for "Whups" Kamara to head it wide.

44' - Barrett takes a glancing boot to the face from a high ball and NO CALL for a dangerous challenge. Maybe MLS finally issued a memo to the refs to resume calling sh*t against TFC for the season. They did last year when it looked like we were going to make the post season sitting mid-table.

2 minutes of extra time

45' - YELLOW - DeRo goes into the books for getting held onto by Harrington and as another KC player flies past him to get the loose ball, goes to ground after brushing DeRo. Yeah, stellar call.

HALF-TIME MOOD: If there's a middle point between boring and stupid, this is it.

SUB - Sanyang off for Harden, Vanilla Peterson off for our favourite apple Gala

51' - DeRo pops the ball over himself and loses his defender, then pokes it to Gala who, does the unthinkable, passes it before losing it by being closed down by the requisite two defenders. It's that notable and boring that this fact makes the cut.

57' - 2 yellows equal 1 red for Rocastle as KC is now down to 10 men as well. Given how well TFC have been playing with 10, KC should be in for some pain.

64' - SUB - The Chad off for O'Brien White. The Chad looks to have been limping a little but he played well.

Potential Quote of the Match

"Who names a kid after a colour?"
"Or a duck?"
"God, I HOPE it's the colour..."

~ Julie and I on Teal Bunbury


65' - deGoo has a go from 25 yds out to be parried by Nielson. You have a sense that he's going to score an absolute rocket one game and maybe they'll finally have a song for our DP

68' - OBW springs the annoying KC trap and passes on two good shooting opportunities to take up a third nearly flush with the face of goal. Keep your head up
sir.

70' - deGoo looks to be favouring his hamstring and we're all out of substitutes.

85' - First sign of offensive threat in over a quarter hour and the result? DeRo well offside.

Dammit it IS one of those games. Even the Vancouver one from Wednesday was more interesting, rain and humidity and all.

88' - Ty Harden floats a ball over the top that OBW can't quite get to, but the clear ends up in the path of deGoo and he destroys the ball towards Ontario Place (which for you out-of-towners is an amusement part about a kilometer south of the stadium)

Quote of the Match :
It's like I'm trying to watch the game through a Kidstreet Rebus
~ Josh on the U-Sector flags waving way too early

Brilliant. Sorry Julie, but it is.

89' - deGoo is still limping. Hopefully it's a strain

2 minutes of extra time.

Toronto 0, Kansas City 0

Man of the Match : Wow. In an unremarkable game all across the board, it's hard to pick a standout. If I had to pick one, deGoo stood out for me the most but this choice is done under duress. Also, Attakora would've been our MotM except he rarely saw the ball, but when he did, he did excellent.

Goat of the Game : Garcia. Any guesses why?

Ref Rating : 1 out of 5. Those 50/50 calls all went against TFC all game. Sure the ref "made it up to us" by the two yellows, but the real head-scratching calls and over-bookings were appalling. Good thing TFC didn't lose. Too bad the 100% record is lost.

Kansas City's shallow offside trap was excellent, and that kept TFC aggression at bay. I question OBW's substitution given how far up the pitch KC was playing the trap and how, shall we say, "un-fast" White is. Preki is doing wonderful things with this team. I'll write my apologies at season's end (even if I still don't understand why Gerba was let go).

This was a stale-mate and a boring one. You know those graphs that they put up in FIFA percentage of where the game was played on the pitch? It would read 5%-92%-3% from KC to Toronto. It would be like watching Royce Gracie have a jiu-jitsu match against himself : lots of rolling around, no one really doing anything.

And nobody wants that. Not even Royce Gracie.

THE MATCHUP: TFC want bucket of goals against KFC

KFC! (clap-clap-clap) KFC!

TORONTO FC (7th) VS. KANSAS CITY WIZ (14th)
　
BMO Field - Saturday, 4PM ET
TV: CBC
　
What better way to top of a fresh NutCan than getting a bucket of goals off of Kansas' Football Club... or KFC if you must. The timing may actually be perfect for the red hot Reds (the football team - not Schneider’s Red Hots hot dogs) to grab yet another "Fortress BMO' win. After resting most of their starters mid-week in the NutCan, the fresh TFC will face Eastern Division (for what that matters) rival and first ever BMO Field guests Kansas in the last clash before the MLS World Cup break.
　
KFC have been having a hard time of it as of late. "The Colonel’s" find themselves without a win for quite some time and having just as much trouble finding the net. The absence of suspended captain Davy Arnaud and World Cupped Roger Espinoza add to their woes. They meet TFC at a time when the "Butty Boys" have been at their defensive best and have been shutting down better teams - especially at home. KFC will have to have all 11 herbs and spices... er... players at their best and try to batter Toronto's defence with their boneless wingers... I mean wing play. I need a moist towelette.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Johnston/ Preki/ Garcia Testimonial Match"
　
EXTRA CRISPY: Kei Kamara FW, Jimmy Conrad D, Teal Bunbury FW
ROLLIN' WITH RED-HOTS: Dwayne De Rosario MF, Chad Barrett FW, Adrian Cann D
　
THE ODDS:
- Chances that Kei Kamara will repeat this stellar move...

:3-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Team not actually named after "The Wizard of Oz" but after former owner, the late Lamar Hunt's, favourite night-time lullaby: 1970's "The Wizard" by Black Sabbath
- Wizards legend Mo Johnston is apparently Director of Football for another North American club. As he never appears in public, the rumour can't be verified
- In an attempt to cash-in on "Harry Potter Mania", Wizards have asked MLS and Adidas if club can wear "athletic wizard-style robes" instead of regular kit in 2011
- Original 1996 "Wiz" logo has accepted offer to be the Grand Marshall at Kansas City's Gay Pride Parade
　
RED HOTS ON ROLLERS SAY: 2-0 Toronto
KFC GREEN COLESLAW SAYS: 1-1 Draw
HEADLINE: "TFC ATTACK GETS UP THE WIZARDS' SLEEVE"

Pride

Match Report: Kansas City @ TFC

OK, I have a good reason why this is late.

I use my mp3 player as a voice recorder and, though I was certain it was recording, it was shutting down intermittently and I would lose all of my work going forward.

Here's the gist of what you missed.

First half : NOTHING. Horrible, boring, uneventful.

Second half : three subs and the A-Team was on the pitch. The game didn't start until about the 60th minute and then Toronto started pressing forward. 80th minute, shots started firing. KC saw a man sent off for being boring.

Final score 0-0.

Man of the match : Harmse played very well, even in the first half when the whole game was anemic.

Budgie award : Velez played with a lot of heart.

Thumbs down : MY F'n MP3 PLAYER DIDN'T RECORD ANYTHING... STUPID TECHNOLOGY!!!

Match Report: Kansas City Wizards @ TFC

Delerious. Just delerious. We here, in mid-113, are not accustomed to this position. Oh sure, we're only in our second year as a side, but as far as successful footie in Toronto, it's been a while. And it is too good to be true, without a doubt. The euphoric high that our seemingly feeble side has achieve so soon is amazing.

A two-game win-streak. That's all that it takes to make the entire south stands beam wih hope. Imagine what a three-game win-streak could do.

Kansas City come into the game 3-1-1 and are on game two of a six game road swing since the primary tenant at their stadium, the Kansas City T-Bones, are apparently reclaiming their home ground for the baseball season. TFC are 2-2 who have displayed shades of embarassing to pallets of magic during these 4 games. Expectations are running cautiously high. I mean, it's TFC. Toronto FC. Or as some educated idiots who think they're really clever, "The FC's". We've seen flashes of brilliance, but that's long enough to take a picture. Right now, we're basking in the sun... I hope we don't get burned.

Enough of the silly light metaphors, it's 3:30 kick-off and Dorothy FC have come to town looking for a hand-crafted beating. Let the games begin... Pre-kick off, quote of the game : "What the hell is up with BMO? Everywhere is smells like souvlaki." Brilliant.

2 - Guevera (¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!) beats his defender and causes Hartmann to make a very amazing diving save to stop it.

6 - "This is our house", "You gotta ball park!"

8 - Olé string of passes. I swear, I'm dreaming.

10 - Robert floated a gorgeous ball right across the field onto the foot of Ricketts. I wanted to marry that ball, it was that beautiful.

14 - I've discovered the score of the Man Utd. v Chelsea match. Not happy.

19 - Dichio gets a ball fed into him 8 yards out, no man on him and he skies it over the bar. Rough, given he had time to settle it.

20 - Surprisingly, the ref is giving us some calls. Surely, he will be fired.

22 - Dichio flicks a header onto Robert, Robert takes it into the box, cuts in, lays the ball off for Marvell Wynne who JUST misses an open net. Resulting corner, Robert appears to get a header from the ensuing kick sees his effort cleared off the line.

24 - Dorothy FC's Jewsbury skids a ball across the carpet that Sutton has to kinda sorta work for. Nice to see them trying.

26 - Ball arced in, Robert can't quite get to it to convert.

27 - "Stand up for the TFC" chant is the worst chant we've got, hands down. 99% of the crowd doesn't realize that it's to the tune of 'Go West'. Two out of two Pet Shop Boys would agree.

28 - The turf is a mess from the kick-off confetti. I'd hate to be the poor bastard that has to vacuum that.

29 - Dorothy FC's Espinosa tries to introduce the ball to Lakeshore Blvd. He failed at that too.

30 - "Toto" Lopez couldn't beat one of our defenders if he had a bat in his hand. Wynne makes him look amateur.

32 - Zavagnin, Lopez, Espinosa, Trujillo and Morsink all fail at shots in the box. Sutton must be bored because he didn't have to stop a single one of those chances. I said 5 shots in the box and none of them were touched by the keeper. The tin man and the scarecrow would've at least hit the bar. Lion would've booted it back to his keeper.

33 - Like every other player who's played here, he can't get past the fact that not only that there are fans, but they give a shit about the game. Ensuing kick, streamers in his way and all, ends up at Trujillo's head and lays it perfectly into the hands of Sutton. Even Bitchy the Falcon atop of the main stand is working harder than our keeper.

34 - Robinson fights off defenders and lays the ball to Guevera (¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!), only to shoot from just outside the edge of box and have it sail one yard wide of the net. Crazy stuff.

35 - Kansas City are getting the boots put to them. Pathetic. Don't they know who we are? (sorry, I'm still in disbelief and Toronto are playing LIVE in front of me and looking amazing)

37 - Kansas City player hits the turf due to playing for Kansas City, Robinson moves the ball up to cross it into where Dichio should've been but was 5 steps behind the play. If Dichio was 5 steps faster, he'd have 18 goals by now. He'd have a hat trick by now.

39 - Guevera (¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!) has NO QUIT in him. What was he doing in Honduras for that long and where was he last year? Unbelievable.

43 - Espinosa fails at another cross.

45 - Dichio scores a goal, but he was a yard off-side... called off.

Half-time emotion : optimistic. Other suggestions : crunk, pathetic. I'm assuming for KC.

We were informed by Harry Wetnap during a half-time phone call that Major League Soccer's Kansas City Wizards are the second fiddle team to the independent minor league baseball's Kansas City T-Bones. Bobby Lenarduzzi is complaining about the dangers of streamers.

47 - Hartmann bobbled a ball but nothing doing.

49 - Kansas City appears to be threatening TFC goal. We'll believe it when it happens.

51 - The Toronto Transit Commission gets a song. Not a flattering one either.

56 - GOAL - Guevera (¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!) buries the ball into the back of the net by chipping Hartmann.

57 - Dichio lays a ball off for Edu couldn't quite get to it. Guevera (¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!) is the frontrunner for man of the match.

61 - Kansas make two subs like it matters. We break out a song about how we're gonna win the league. Seriously, we're delerious.

64 - Sutton is forced to make a save by moving two steps to his left. He's having a boring game.

65 - Wee Jimmy B gets a song.

67 - SUB - Cunningham in for Dichio. Danny's had a rough game and Cunningham is more suited for the way the flow of the game is being played.

69 - Corner, where Sutton makes a giant save. Best chance of either side somehow comes from faux Chelsea. KC looks like TFC circa 2007.

70 - Hartmann made friends with a streamer that was wrapped around his arm. Touching and tender moments between two seemingly inanimate objects.

77 - Ricketts gets hauled down 5 yds outside of the box, free kick from Guevera (¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!) hooks it into the back of the net.

78 - We're starting to believe this whole "we're gonna win the league" crap, just a little.

79 - SUB - Dunnivant in for Ricketts. We start hating on Hartmann. "Couldn't stop a beach ball" *clap*clap*clap-clap-clap*

84 - KC almost conceded a sweet own goal. Would've been too poetic for words.

85 - SUB - Jarrod Smith in for... um... someone.

86 - Some of the east siders wanna leave a few minutes early to beat the traffic. These are Leaf fans looking for a summer hobby.

87 - Smith makes a maurading run down the right side of the field and gets nowhere. Talk about fresh legs, the kid can move. He's a late game breaker, that's for sure.

89 - Dorothy FC in one word : anemic.

91 - Harry Wetnap was calling because he was missing a helluva party.

92 - Cunningham gets hauled down in the box and the ref decides to have mercy on a Kansas City team that deserves a worse result than they are experiencing.

Thumbs up : We're on a three game winning streak.

Thumbs down : We're playing New York Extreme Beverage next.

Man of the match : Guevera (¡VIVA LA REVOLUCION!) (9.5/10) in a no brainer. He's everywhere for the first 60-70 minutes, then loses a few steps in his game, but still trying and working hard. And his two goals were magic.

Goat : I hate to out the big man, but if I gotta single someone out for a weak game, Dichio was right off. I know as a big centre forward, his job is to get stuck in the middle, fight for space when he gets the ball and direct traffic. Maybe he wasn't getting the service all game long or the flow wasn't condusive to the Dichio-typical game, but his missed sitter and his seemingly regular out of position, Danny gets the title. I'm chalking it up to an off game.