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Friday, September 19, 2014

THE MATCHUP/AFTER 90: Adios


TORONTO FC VS. CHIVAS USA
BMO FIELD - SUNDAY 3PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

In solidarity with the dozens of fans of Chivas USA who likely face at least one full season without a club, we will honour our Goat enthusiast friends this weekend by doing what Major League Soccer will do to them. We are going on:

HIATUS

Monday, September 15, 2014

THE STARTING 11: TFC coach employment perks


Let's face it - if Toronto FC coaches were wild animals, they'd occupy the endangered species list somewhere between pandas and unicorns. Since the club's inception, a wide array of motley crews (not Motley Crue cuz that would be awesome) have patrolled the sidelines under a number of different managers. Some were experienced veterans of the game, some were as green as they come... some got the job for PR and only recently departed. Ahem. Either way, it's a tough track suit to put on but there are some terrific perks to the job that keep those resumes coming in!

11. You get to live in Bitchy the Hawk's box rent-free for 2 whole weeks!

10. There are millions of dollars in MLSE non-disclosure agreement funds to be had upon your inevitable sacking

9. Mark Bloom is your personal butler

8. The minimum level of success expected: better than Jim Brennan

7. Always the chance that one day the coaches' bench will get picked to get free promotional pizza slices at halftime!

6. One day Jermain Defoe may talk to you!

5. Zero experience no detriment to professional advancement

4. A solid 8 months job security

3. "It's a nice little job for you to learn stuff by"

2. Medical, dental, butty

1. A 1 in 5 chance that you're the next manager

Saturday, September 13, 2014

AFTER 90: Five Minutes of Madness

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK

Absolutely lifeless for 85 minutes.







Then this guy...














Then this guy...
















Ugly.
Resurrected.
Robbed.

CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 1

Thursday, September 11, 2014

THE MATCHUP: No Days Off

"2015? Anyone? Anyone?"

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Save Ferris Charity Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**
CHICAGO FIRE
"Les jeux sont faits. Translation: The game is up. Your ass is mine." is Mike Magee's favourite bit of banter in the tunnel before a match.
- It is German Heritage Night at Toyota Park on Saturday. Security will be on high alert to stop attempts by suburban teens who aim to illegally join the halftime parade.
- "Like Dirty Harry": How Jeff Larentowicz models his game.
- The Toyota Park PA system is equipped with a high-end synthesizer that has over 50 different pre-loaded coughing and barfing sound effects.
- Angry Fire supporters, disappointed with a lacklustre season, have threatened to reverse a 1961 Ferrari off of the stadium's upper deck.
- "Abe Froman's Sausages" have won the 2015 Toyota Park concessions license from local French caterer "Chez Quis" whose staff were deemed "snooty" and/or "snotty" by Fire supporters.
"You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go." - Frank Yallop to Greg Vanney post-match after commiserating on TFC's playoff hopes.

TORONTO FC
- "Soft": The best description for Gummi Bears that have been sitting in your pocket all day and/or the Toronto FC defence.
- "SAVE NELLIE" has yet to appear on a single Toronto-area water tower.
- TFC's sub-par scouting department spent 8 months attempting to sign a "Danke Schoen" who they thought was a potential German DP striker.
- "Voodoo Economics": The financial plan being put in place at MLSE to attempt the sale of 2015 TFC season tickets.
- "Anyone? Anyone?": The answer to the question of "Who is this new TFC assistant coach?"
- "Ed": The only Rooney likely to sign for TFC anytime soon.
- "Enough": How many Days Off Jermain Defoe has had.


*Possibly
**Maybe

Monday, September 8, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Other things that Ryan Nelsen did to anger Tim Bezbatchenko


It just wouldn't be a season with Toronto FC without a high profile sacking. We've regularly said goodbye to managers, coaches, GM's, presidents and now even a Brennan! While the firing of Ryan Nelsen wasn't an utter shock, the timing did catch many by surprise. However, it seems like tension between the manager and the general manager Tim Bezbatchenko had been bubbling for a while. Perhaps it wasn't just football-related problems that brought things to a head though - possibly a whole host of Nellie issues that got under TBez's skin...

11. He's too tall to be trusted

10. For a Kiwi, his Lord of The Rings knowledge was average at best

9. Didn't even take the time to introduce him to the dreamy Younes Kaboul during the Spurs friendly

8. Refused to play keytar in his garage band "The Cap Wonkz"

7. After Tim Leiweke announced he was leaving MLSE, Nelsen was way to slow in referring to him as "Prezbatchenko"

6. Never learned to speak English

5. Nelsen failed to unleash the potential of Reggie Lambe

4. Couldn't get him Crocodile Dundee's phone number

3. Claims that Nelsen is a raging Anti-Badge-ite

2. Wouldn't tell him the location of "Old Zealand"

1. Tired of hearing "Teem Bizbeechinkeh"

Saturday, September 6, 2014

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Philadelphia... Or The Only Bump I See Is That Think You Call A Defence, Amirite?



Last night was as close to what a hurricane must look like as I've ever seen in person.  Brutally hot and humid,  torrential rain and a light show that Benson & Hedges would've been proud of.  Today is gorgeous... partly cloudy, cool breeze, high of 22C.  Perfect environment for football.

I said nothing about it needing to be good.

If the idea of a win under a new manager is a theory, consider the theory smashed to bits and the forensics team laughed and said "this could be anything, but I don't have that kind of time".  It kinda feels like watching a break-up over Facebook : He goes radio silence, stays off the grid.  Meanwhile she's going to that Lithuanian restaurant that she kept going on about trying, taking up kayaking with an instructor by the name of "Storm", wearing a new dress and going out - all cries for attention of "Look at me!  See, I never needed you.  You were just holding me back!"

Except she was nearly hospitalized by the bad cepelinai, "Storm" isn't a licensed instructor and that dress was see-through under black light.

It's been a disaster, and the disaster continued this afternoon at the Rebound Ground a.k.a. BMO Field.

7' - GOAL - Wrestler Big Show's brother Conor Casey a.k.a. Medium Show, gets on the end of a cross and heads it over a leaping Bendik.
Fig 1. Two guys I wouldn't want to meet in an alley for a fight

ROBINS 0, ONION 1

27'- YELLOW - Henry for stuff.  Likely deserved it.

43' - GOAL Wenger pops it over Bendik in another cross and header thing.  I'm pretty sure that's Philadelphia's only move.
ROBINS 0, ONION 2

43' - SUB - Bekker in for Warner

Half Time mood : thank God that's done with...

68' - SUB - Jackson on for DeRo

77' - SUB - Creavalle comes on for Hagglund.

4 minutes of far too much extra time

Full Time : TORONTO 0, PHILADELPHIA 2

Man of the Match : Gilberto because naming it Bendik is too easy and as a lack of talent before us, he's trying to be the leader,  at least emotionally.

Goat of the Game : raise your hand if you were a defender today.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Maybe because Toronto is kinda bad, it's hard to focus on officiating blunders so they get a pass.

Kit Spotting : Vera Cruz Tiburones Rojos from Mexico and a newer Luton Town kit even though I truly love the idea of a programme vendor wearing a fake kit.

I Am Not the Gaffer But...  : if I were I'd be ordering take out in Bezbatchenko's office and drafting up a strategy.

In Case You PVR'd It : if you like watching mediocre efforts resulting in lots of woodwork smashing, skip the first half and have your finger on  the fast forward button for the second

I'm having a hard time deciding if Bradley is having a nightmare, playing well without the help, frustrated or just terrible.  All outcomes are very plausible... When Maurice Edu touches the ball,  why don't we chant "T.O. Success Story"?... I'm waiting to see Konopka start due to a Bendik injury of a strained vocal chord. Lots of hot tea with lemon and honey I suspect for the copious amount of yelling he must do each match... This slide could not come at a better time as season ticket renewals aren't that far off... Such a nice day at the park. (see, I can say something nice)...  Little shout out to the Red Patch Boy living in Victoria who listens to the Vocal Minority Podcast, thanks for listening homie... I wonder if our tenth manager will finally be "the one".  Often...  Mr. Caldwell, I hope your recovery is going well.  Please do not come back until you are 100%. The thought of you being out longer makes me very sad... Seriously Philly, you've had your turn with Le Toux long enough.  Time to share... Anyone hear if O'Dea is doing well?...  Do other Toronto sports have open discussion post-match on public transit or is this a TFC phenomenon. Interesting theory regarding Leiweke's departure on the GO Train that I hadn't heard: it's focused on the failure of not acquiring the Bills plus Defoe wanted out.  Also suggested that MLS sunk the loan and/or sale of Defoe because it would make the club and league look bad.

Player Ratings : Bendik 8, Hagglund 4.5 [Creavalle N/A] , Orr 5, Henry 5.5, Bloom 5, De Rosario 6 [Jackson N/A], Warner 6 [Bekker 6], Bradley 6, Oduro 6, Moore 6, Gilberto 6.5

 Fig 2. How to get other players to stop making fun of your kit sponsor.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

THE MATCHUP: Rocky too

Unleashed!

TORONTO VS. PHILADELPHIA
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET 
TV: TSN 2

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Apollo Creed Testimonial Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**
TORONTO FC
- "Un": Greg Vanney's preference in regards to leashing.
- "DP": The level Michael Bradley needs to play at.
- Ex-Red Maurice Edu, whose transfer fee famously "paid for BMO Field's grass" will be taking 20 square yards of it home with him as per his transfer negotiation.
- "Decimated", "rag-tag", and "by committee" are the leading descriptions for TFC's defensive line for this fixture.
- If Toronto FC go on to lose this home-and-home series they will actually pick up a trophy in the "BIMBO Cup" sponsored by Union's own kit sponsor.
- 6th: Potential place in the Eastern Conference table TFC could hold by Monday
- 4: The games in hand we used to all laugh about. Good times.

PHILADELPHIA UNION:
- Union will be wearing a special patch on their kits to commemorate the departed American legal legend Judge Philip "Uncle Phil" Banks
- It's almost Toronto's turn to sign Sebastien Le Toux.
- "Still not that one": remains the answer to "Fred plays for Philadelphia?"
- "Austin Berry" is both a Union defender and the # 4 highest selling muesli in Texas
- 2 Shots on goal + 2 saves = Zac MacMath
- "of the Snake": Union still more popular than Philadelphia Union.
- In the event of an unlikely TFC 2-0 victory we are selling the headline "BOYZ II MEN 0" to the highest bidder.


*Possibly
**Maybe

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

AFTER 90: Yo homes, smell ya later!


PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO
PPL PARK

We apologize for the absence of tonight's post-match report. Sadly, we are suffering from chronic re-occurring writer's block and have flown back to London, England to seek further care. We have it on good advice that flying back-and-forth across the Atlantic is a cure to most ills.

You may have read rumours in tabloid newspapers that we were about to start a new blog called "The Loftusies" - a completely unnecessary QPR site but there is no agreement in place. At least until January. We remain 100% committed to this site and our teammates in the local "negative cesspool" that are TFC blogs and we will be back.  As for tonight - let's guess at 2-1 Philadelphia. Why not?

Off to an Essex nightclub to do more re-hab. See you later this week at an emotional reunion! Deffo.

The Yorkies

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

THE MATCHUP: Rocky times


PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO
PPL PARK - WEDNESDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN 2

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Ivan Drago Testimonial Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**
PHILADELPHIA UNION
- "High": Percentage chance that Maurice Edu will hurt TFC.
- 4: The Rocky sequel that is our greatest guilty pleasure.
- 50/50: Average chance of surviving a night match trip to Chester, Pennsylvania.
- 12: Amount of pounds a cheesesteak outweighs a chip butty by.
- "Not that one": Most popular answer to "Oh, Fred plays for Philadelphia?"
- 7 or 8: About the time when The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air "pulled up to a house"
- "BIMBO" continues to be the most hilariously awesome MLS kit sponsor.

TORONTO FC
- 0:  Minutes Greg Vanney has managed a professional team.
- 90: Minutes left in Greg Vanney's "honeymoon period".
- 100: Percent chance that Ashtone Morgan still exists.
- 14: The maximum age of player that new assistant coach Nick Theslof was coaching until a few days ago.
- 0: Percent chance of Jermain Defoe seeing out his TFC contract.
- Two separate fourteen hour round trips to London, England in one month are shockingly not the most common re-hab practice when nursing a chronically injured groin.
- 30: Points left on the board for TFC. Counting down from now...


Possibly*
Maybe**

Monday, September 1, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Worst jobs at TFC

Not the parade Leiweke had in mind
 
Happy Labour Day you wacky labourers. On the day where we appreciate the value of the working man and woman in society/weep giant tears that summer is over, we also take a closer look at local employer/dream killer - Toronto FC. Many of you would surely like to land a job working for your beloved club but before you shine up your resume, take a look at these less-than upwardly mobile BMO Field careers...

11. The English-to-New Zealish translator

10. The barber trying to shave a CNE corndog into the side of Dominic Oduro's head

9. The team trying to get "Joe Bendik - The Cologne" off the ground

8. The guy that has to hold the bowl over Nick Hagglund's head during his weekly haircut

7. The crew that has to re-capture the Timbits children after halftime and put them back in their cage until the next match

6. Ryan Nelsen's personal Post-Match Excuse Assistant

5. The engineer that must make sure that Warren Creavalle's cameo is perfectly level before kick-off

4. Butty-mopper

3. Assistant Bitchy the Hawk

2. The intern that has to cut ticker tape for all of Tim Leiweke's imaginary parades

1. Substitute defender