THE MATCHUP: Raise the roof!

We built a house on Bremner Boulevard...



TORONTO VS. LOS ANGELES
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE QUARTERFINAL - 1ST LEG
　
SKYDOME - WEDNESDAY 8PM
TV: SPORTSNET (ALL REGIONS)
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Biggest. Match... oh you know the rest. It's the match that got us through winter. Arguably one of the biggest club football matches in Canadian history. Yes, it's "Davy Knickers and The Boyz" against our beloved Reds in front of approximately 45,000 people in The Artist Formerly Known as SkyDome.
　
The CONCACAF Quarterfinal marks only the second time a Canadian club has progressed this far in the continental competition. Playing what many would consider the most star-laden club in North America since The Cosmos of the 70's, makes it that much bigger. Most of North America, including Galaxy themselves, seems to have written off TFC before the first whistle but perhaps thousands of devoted fans, Astroturf and the phallic power of the CN Tower can produce an upset that would make MLS' promotions department weep.
　
What does TFC have to do? Play hard from the first minute - not take 20 minutes to warm-up. It would be surprising if Galaxy don't try to strike early to take out the crowd so The Reds need to be on their toes immediately. Aron Winter's squad need to channel that crowd energy and fight off the nerves as well as take the game to Galaxy. Bruce Arena's team has too much firepower to sit back and try to weather the storm. They need to be brave, not hide Torsten Frings into oblivion as Ty Harden's babysitter and take their game to LA... win, lose or draw.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Biggest 1st Leg Ever"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Stefan Frei, Torsten Frings, Danny Koevermans
LOS ANGELES: David Beckham, Landon Donovan, Robbie Keane
　
THE ODDS:
- Every, single Galaxy tactic aimed directly at Ty Harden: EVENS
- Chad Barrett cramping on Galaxy bench: 3-1
- Joe Carter scoring winning PK for TFC in extra time: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
The star-filled Galaxy is easily MLS' most talented club on paper. While their ability to constantly sign stars above and beyond their DP limit is curious to some, many justify it with good financial management and the appeal of California. Vociferous defenders will yell "ALLOCATION!" and "WAIT FOR THE UNION SALARY LIST" in response while painting those who question it as bitter conspiracy theorists. Of course league documents could never be questioned could they? In response to the questioning, Galaxy has laid out their next few signings in a transparent way:
 - ALESSANDRO DEL PIERO: $40,000 and all-you-can-eat coupon to all Southern California Olive Garden restaurants 
 - RONALDINHO: $37,000 and an orthodontist
 - FRANK LAMPARD: Get Andre Villas Boas fired then $43,000 and a meat pie goal bonus
　
TOMORROW'S HEADLINE: "CHAD BARRETT TAKES SHOT ON GOAL - DOZENS INJURED ON 500 LEVEL"

THE STARTING 11: Side effects of Toronto FC's youthful squad at Disney

I said "TFC" not "BSC"!



Everyone felt warm and fuzzy after Saturday night's "loss" to Vancouver Whitecaps at The Mickey Mouse Cup. Except maybe the Whitecaps. Yes they got a trophy but it was on the back of barely beating a team of teens, trialists and Nick Soolsma. Hard to lift a trophy proudly when you just traded shirts with a 15-year old. The young squad was a sign that TFC's commitment to its Academy program may soon start bearing fruit but it's not always easy to field such a young group of Reds...
　
11. Had to stock the team fridge with tons of chocolate milk in case they needed to drink something out of the trophy
　
10. Always wearing their shorts too low and baggy
　
9. Two players benched after Friday night bender of eating cotton candy and riding Disney World's "Teacups" ride until they were sick
　
8. A sudden push to re-brand club "Young Boys Toronto"
　
7. Players instinctively trying to press "X" button whenever they get close to goal
　
6. Team always having to share practice facilities with 4-year olds from "Timbits Soccer"
　
5. Long distance phone bills skyrocketing from Danny Dichio's insistence that he reads every player a story before bedtime
　
4. Second half was played with such ferocity as 10PM curfew was getting close
　
3. Defensive markings often missed as players stop during run of play to text their girlfriends
　
2. Coach Jason Bent forced to switch tactical gameday videos with re-runs of DeGrassi
　
1. Ugly child abuse accusations being hurled at Whitecaps

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Whitecaps steal kids’ prize at Disney World

Hungry, forceful teens

This was what the whole Total Football revolution was all about. Just over a year since Aron Winter and Co. took over Toronto FC, the club is in the finals of a prestigious rodent-based tournament. So excited for tonight's final against Vancouver are Toronto FC that they packed up 99% of the first team squad and came home to Hogtown yesterday. 

In all seriousness, Winter has done the right thing in not risking injury to any starters only four days before the big CCL matchup against David Beckham's junk. But, haters gonna hate and some grumpy types will be displeased that TFC is leaving The Mickey Mouse title in the hands of their Academy... and Nick Soolsma... but they'd be grumpier if a Torsten Frings twisted a knee for a useless trophy and missed Wednesday night. So, it's up to the kids to be alright... it's Tiny Talent Time!

1’ - The online feed finally comes to life with rumours that TSN asked the game to be played on ice before broadcasting it. It’s TFC’s kids (and Soolsma) vs. those pot smokin’ hippies.

7’ - TFC Kid Jay Chapman artfully stymies an Eric Hassli run much to the moody Cap’s dismay/embarrassment

10’ - Vancouver’s generic Brazilian, Camilo, slices through TFC’s Junior Defence and roofs the ball over young GK Quillan Roberts. TORONTO 0 - VANCOUVER 1

20’ - TFC Kids doing their best to hold off the much bigger (and professional) Caps squad. Some frantic defending but not bad considering the general difference in pedigree

26’ - Caps’ 2nd overall SuperDraft pick Darren Mattocks fouled Oscar Cordon from behind… possibly because he felt Cordon was behind him not being drafted 1st overall

30’ - Feels creepy having our young players being forced to shoot on Vancouver GK/adult film star "Joe Cannon"

35’ - Whitecaps suddenly having trouble dominating a CSL team

40’ - ESPN3’s announcers warn viewers for the second time that you will be mobbed by fans if you are near Vancouver’s Korean defender Lee Young-Pyo. Fine! Brunch is off Young-Pyo - get your waffles and KimChee somewhere else.

45’ - Reds go close to tying the game but Joe Cannon got his filthy hands all over their balls. A quality half from what is pretty much TFC Academy with good displays from Moises Orozco (P. Coltrane), Keith "Don’t Call Me BooYah" Makubuya and Quillan "Is Serial Quillan Inappropriate?" Roberts

TORONTO 0 - VANCOUVER 1

47’ - TFC Kids have come out in the second half full of piss and milk and cookies. Want it more than Whitecaps in the early going

54’ - Eric Hassli limps off with a knock - the best advertisement for TFC’s decision not to play any First Team starters tonight

58’ - TFC Kids have had a downright dominant few minutes with Efrain Burgos Jr. getting a close chance on goal

60’ - TFC sub on the highly touted Stefan Vukovic and the outrageously young Josh Hamilton - a 15-year old. Even if Whitecaps win… they beat a team with a 15-year old.

63’ - Three agonizing near-misses for TFC’s Teen Hunger Force in 15 seconds. Deserved.

74’ - "It’s a Small World After All" would be a great chant by the TFC supporters in Florida right about now

76’ - Quillan Roberts tries to "pull an England" by booming a goal kick the length of the field. Composed night for the young keeper who could be headed towards a pro contract.

82’ - If coach Jason Bent doesn’t allow these kids to stay up late tonight, eat cotton candy and ride Space Mountain then there is no justice

85’ - Vancouver can have The Mickey Mouse Cup… we’ll keep the Voyageurs Cup thanks.

90’ - In the end, an insignificant friendly doesn’t mean too much. Vancouver won’t be happy that they couldn’t put the sword to a team full of teens and trialists while supporters of TFC can feel a little warm and fuzzy about the Academy. The best result for TFC? A rested starting 11 for Wednesday… when the real fun begins.

TORONTO 0 - VANCOUVER 1

Yorkies Cards 2011 - Pack 9

Although we've come... to the end of the road... still I can't let you go...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the last pack of the set. It's been a strange time for all of us on this journey. I mean, what 54 card set needs 3 DeRo's, 2 Santos', a cat and a sandwich? Now that I re-read that, the only answer I can come up with is "something we'd do". And we did. The last batch you'll find Kyle Beckerman, Matt Stinson, and every kid card collector's worst nightmare to get in a pack. Yep, I went there...

That being said, I did print these cards up, all nice and shiny-like. I have earmarked some of the sets for people (kzknowles and WakingTheRed, to name a few), but there are others. If you are interested, please drop me a line and we'll see what's what.

Download Pack 9 [PDF]

LETTERS FROM CAMP: "Can we play you, can we play you, can we play you every week?"

Dallatasaray - Pride of Turkxas



It's the final group stage match at The Mickey Mouse Cup for Toronto FC but also their first preseason match against a MLS club. Tonight's tilt sees The Reds face off against the team that gave TFC something to look forward to over winter - FC Dallas. As you remember, The Hoops folded like a cheap shirt in the final Champions League Group Stage match last autumn, paving the way for TFC to head to the quarterfinals against Davy Knickers and The Boyz at SkyDome next week. The least The Reds could do is let Dallas have first place at Disney. With that in mind... Ty harden starts tonight... to the pitch for equally useful highlights!

- Mickey Mouse delivers the game ball to the refs in what appears to be a Sheffield Wednesday kit. Who knew Mickey ups The Owls?
1' - Reds go for the "Triangle" offence by opting for Reggie Lambe over Ryan Johnson just before kick-off
7' - Unfair advantage for FC Dallas - warm weather and a stadium with less than 300 people in attendance... exactly like mid-season at Pizza Hut Park
12' - Bob de Klerk insanely yelling instructions at Ty Harden before a Dallas set piece. The X-Rated pictures Harden must have of TFC management must be damning. No other explanation.
19' - Nothing but love for Milos Kocic but Stefan Frei is undoubtedly the # 1
21' - After 20 minutes Joao Plata offers the first hint of TFC offence. Disjointed.
26' - Reggie Lambe makes his first good run in 3 matches. Still undercooked.
32' - By no means have TFC been pretty but the mlssoccer.com announcers would have nicer things to say about the Hitler Select XI at the Mussolini Testimonial Match
35' - Out of absolutely nothing Luis Silva goes Route 1 and plows through FC Dallas' defence and pushes the ball past The Hoops' keeper. TORONTO FC 1 - FC DALLAS 0
37' - Lambe gets chopped (thank you) by FCD keeper and deserves a PK but minor league ref gives him a yellow for diving instead. Sport Goofy officiating.
39' - Did "Master of The Draft" Mo Johnston pick Luis Silva? The rookie makes it two by pouncing on a loose ball and firing it into goal. TORONTO FC 2 - FC DALLAS 0
45' - Reds dominant after waking up in the last 15 minutes but need to bring that at 0:01 against Los Angeles

TORONTO FC 2 - FC DALLAS 0

48' - Miguel Aceval establishing himself as the anchor of TFC's central defence
52' - mlssoccer.com announcers trying to make nicknames for Luis Silva... umm do they not read us and Waking The Red? Helloooooo? "Silva Bullet"?
60' - Ashtone Morgan leaves the match for trialist Kevin Huezo. Morgan has been very solid in all three preseason matches
65' - TFC Academy director Thomas Rongen's finds of Kevin Huezo and Moises Orozco making decent arguments for full contracts
70' - Everybody out of the pool. Only Terry Dunfield remains from starting eleven.
78' - The kids are alright as TFC's youth grinding down FCD's youth
81' - After 5 years, Toronto FC may have finally found the key to making playoff rounds - always finish off by playing Dallas
83' - Ryan Johnson giving hope that TFC has two capable strikers with a calmly placed finish to put The Reds up by three. TORONTO FC 3 - FC DALLAS 0
88' - MLS announcers struggling to find something nice to say about TFC despite a 3-0 lead
90'- Promising signs after the first half hour as TFC now gets ready to play The Mickey Mouse Final on Saturday night against those pot smoking hippies - Vancouver Whitecaps

TORONTO FC 3 - FC DALLAS 0

Yorkies Cards 2011 - Pack 8

We are nearing the end of this elaborate gag. It's been a journey of laughs and "what the hell were we thinking" type moments. With Champs League just around the corner, we will finally be resuming our regular actual football focus shortly. Hey, what does a 'down homer', a model, and Doneil Henry have in common? They're all in this pack! You'll find Ante Jazic, Adrian Cann and, er, Doneil Henry in the latest contribution to the madness.

Download Pack 8 [PDF]

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Reds serve up a BK whopper

Footballs? Pancakes? Boobies?

With just a week to go before "The Biggest Game In TFC History" (TM), The Reds continue in the group stage of The Mickey Mouse Cup. Tonight's opponent are Swedish also-rans BK Hacken of the Allsvenskan, marking the second time Toronto faces "The Hedge" in its history. It also marks a rare chance to trot out every Swedish stereotype and pun we can muster as we follow the match. IKEA allen keys at the ready... let's play meatball... er, football...

- The always fun MLS online stream kicks in just as "O Canada" starts up, leaving those watching back in Sweden angry that their anthem was muted. Sorry for the racism you three.

2' - Ty Harden back in the line-up tonight. He is the IKEA "Billy" bookcase of defenders. It does in a pinch but you know you need something better.

8' - Milos Kocic getting a chance to claim the # 1 spot tonight. BK Hacken doing their best early to give him practice. One way traffic - Volvo traffic - so far.

11' - I know this is coming from Disney World but does the cameraman have to be sitting on The Teacups ride? Online nausea.

14' - BK Hacken yellow card as Ashtone Morgan takes boot to the face. Dirty Viking.

18' - Torsten Frings playing in the conservative old sweeper role. Assumed that the off-season defensive makeover would fix that. Nope. Perhaps an aforementioned bookcase the reason.

23' - Miguel Aceval slams a Swede into the ground. Yellow card. Wussy non-Viking.

33' - MLS commentator quote of the match: "Free kick to the team on foreign soil..." mlssoccer.com may need an atlas.

35' - Frings cracks the woodwork from a long-distance free kick - Ryan Johnson caught offside trying to put in the rebound

44' - After sustained pressure, Luis Silva dummies a pass across Hacken's goal which Ryan Johnson slots home easily. TORONTO FC 1 - BK HACKEN 0

45'+ - Wondering if the Swedish Chef knows how to make a halftime Herring Butty

　

TORONTO FC 1 - BK HACKEN 0

47' - Lingenberries were a bad idea.

52' - Danny Koevermans picking up a minor knock for the second game in a row

54' - Eric Avila, Koevermans and Reggie Lambe all miss putting TFC up by two

57' - A very dodgy penalty decision gives Hacken's Drugge the chance to level the match with a PK which he does with ease. TORONTO FC 1 - BK HACKEN 1

62' - Hour into the match and not a hint of a Swedish Bikini Team

67' - Removing Harden in the second half allowing Frings to play his most useful role in the centre of the park. Just saying.

70' - Second half much like Sweden's most hilarious comedy film... not funny.

73' - Kocic has shown more rust tonight than Stefan Frei did against Orlando City

77' - BK Hacken coaches yelling random "jorgi, borgi borgi, djunp dorp, dorp dorp dorp" at players. It's such a romantic language.

85' - Not a bad way to apply for a job as trialist Moises Orozco (P. Coltrane) scores a cracker for TFC in the midst of being fouled from behind. TORONTO FC 2 - BK HACKEN 1 (Awesome nickname courtesy of Waking The Red)

88' - Nick Soolsma has had cat scratch fever in the last 5 minutes

90' - Soolsma makes meatballs out of Hacken's defence before feeding Joao Plata a pass which the tiny dancer pops into goal. TORONTO FC 3 - BK HACKEN 1

90'+ - Back to the drawing board for Hacken. The drawing board of course being a set of IKEA instructions

　

TORONTO FC 3 - BK HACKEN 1

LETTERS FROM CAMP: The Un-Mighty Bouch

And then there was one.                       Photo: Toronto FC



ELBEKAY WE HARDLY KNEW YA!
In a bit of an unexpected move, Toronto FC announced that they have waived midfielder Elbekay Bouchiba. The experienced holding mid joined The Reds a year ago as part of a Dutch trio of signings alongside Nick Soolsma and Javier Martina. Bouchiba's signing last year had some guessing that he was a built-in replacement for the underachieving Julian de Guzman but a preseason ACL tear saw the tough-looking Dutch-Moroccan miss the entire season. With a year away from the game, a medium-sized contract and an international roster spot hanging over his head, his dismissal isn't a shock but perhaps the timing, one week before the club's first competitive match, is.
　
DOME AWAY FROM HOME
The Reds patted themselves on the back yesterday by announcing that the SkyDome was "sold out" for next week's CCL match against Davy Knickers and The Boyz. Capped at 43,500 - the match will of course break all previous TFC attendance records but how many bums avec seats is yet to be seen. The usual number of scalper-held tickets along with large swathes of "corporate client" seats could still create some empty spaces but no matter what, it will still make Argos management and fans double-blue with envy. That is of course if the usual Toronto sports-fan habit of showing up a half-hour late can be avoided.
　
GEO POSTIONING
Not really shocking for anyone who watched him struggle against Orlando City but Geovanny Caicedo says he is having difficulty with the North American game. In a surprisingly candid interview with MLS en Español (article here... but in aforementioned foreign language) the hulking Ecuadorian admits to be surprised over the level of physicality and crashing on a MLS backline. It is a bit surprising considering Caicedo's frame but it may be a while before we see the best of the defender.

THE STARTING 11: Ways The Oscars would have differed if TFC produced the show

First of all, these statues should be in a 4-3-3



We know that many of our readers were far more likely to be watching highlights of Toronto FC vs. Orlando City on an eternal online loop, but for some, the biggest show of the weekend took place last night. Yes, the biggest thing to hit Hollywood since Chad Barrett, the annual Academy Awards, was held on Sunday with all the usual glitz and glamour in tow. Personally I will never forgive The Academy for shunning Scott Baio's 1982 classic "Zapped" but you know... it's all too political. While watching the televisual NyQuil that was the Billy Crystal helmed Oscars, we couldn't help but wonder how it would be different if TFC were producing the show...



11. "Bridesmaids" actually turns out to be a documentary about Toronto FC's playoff history

　

10. Award winners are escorted off-stage by Scotts' Turf Girls

　

9. Despite critical acclaim, "Tinker Tailor Keeper Frei" fails to win a single award

　

8. Cirque Du Soleil's artistic interlude replaced by non-union Quebecois circus performers kicking footballs at Pizza Pizza boxes

　

7. "The Dichio Song" wins for Best Original Score

　

6. Instead of the Best Short category split between "Animated" and "Live Action", now divided into "Ecuadorian" and "Bermudian"
　

5. Show features 57 minute long homage to 1970's Dutch cinema

　

4. Dog from "The Artist" attacked from above by "Bitchy the Hawk"
　
3. Best Foreign Language award mistakenly given to a clip of an Aron Winter press conference in English
　
2. Controversial Collin Samuel nip-slip
　
1. Best Supporting Butty

There is no justice...

LETTERS FROM CAMP: "It's just a friendly after all..."

Forza Violas!

Toronto FC started their official preseason friendly schedule tonight in the group stage of the Walt Disney World Pro Soccer Classic. The opponents were none other than the local club and USL Pro Division Champions Orlando City. Since, like TFC, we are shaking off preseason rust, here are some shoddy highlights instead of a post-match report from tonight's action...

　

- Orlando City's nifty purple kits solidify their claim to fame as "The Fiorentina of Central Florida"

- TFC's new Ecuadorian defender Geovanny Caicedo looks like a complete beast... and that was just in the pre-match waiting line

- Sadly the national anthem of Disney World was ignored. Racists.

- The aforementioned Ecuadorian beast looks a little shaky on the defensive communication and gets caught crashing and banging giving Orlando a PK. John "You May Have Heard of My Brother" Rooney converts giving The Lions a lead

- No word if John Rooney can afford hairplugs on his USL salary

- After having his left foot prowess questioned by the "top-notch" MLS commentators, TFC's Miguel Aceval curls a free kick home via a deflection making it level

- Danny Koevermans taken off in precaution after a seemingly minor injury. Soolsma comes on to please fans of non-racist cats while highlighting The Reds' apparent lack of depth at striker

- Former Wolves manager Mick McCarthy in attendance at Orlando... or it's possibly The Muppets' Sam The Eagle

- Richard Eckersley is like every Englishman visiting Florida - he's sweaty, red and wearing a football shirt

- After some TFC defensive laziness, some dude on Orlando (sue me) slots it home to give The Lions the surprise lead

- Quick in reply, Das Kapitan Torsten Frings does what he has yet to do in regular season with TFC... score a goal. Level at two.

- Aron Winter celebrates the Frings goal with 7 subs at once, bringing most of TFC Academy into the match

- Stefan Frei making big save after big save. Stop wearing # 24 Stefan - you're a # 1

- "C" grades down the TFC roster apart from The Goalblerone tonight

- They may yet have been given an MLS expansion place but I'd take Orlando City over New York Cosmos II any day

　

TORONTO FC 2 - ORLANDO CITY 2