THE MATCHUP: New England Revolution host Old English Resolution (Now with 50% less John Bostock!)

Where ACL's fear to tread

NEW ENGLAND VS. TORONTO
　
GILLETTE STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: THE SCORE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
"Pahk da cah in Hahvahd Yahd". With that out of the way it's onto a fixture that has dozens excited across North America and not beyond. The Revs, who if you believe people in Toronto, are apparently just as bad as Toronto FC (but 6 points says differently) welcome those very Eff Cees (TM) to play on their green concrete. With a solid 6,000 to 8,000 in attendance at the 68,000-seater Gillette Stadium, this is one not to miss. Unless you need to wash your hair.
　
FC Robins du Toronto will seemingly arrive in Foxborough in a hilarious giant clown ambulance. When Kevin Payne & The Boyz told us we are only 2 or 3 players away we didn't realize that meant from a Starting Injured XI. On the shelf for this match are: Richard Eckersley (hamstring), Bobby Convey (muscle strain), Danny Califf (tattoo), Stefan Frei (the usual), Justin Braun (shanking injury), Darel Russell (middle name fracture), Terry Dunfield (twisted sock tassel) and Danny Koevermans (pancake). So... about that winless streak.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Worst a Man Can Gett'er"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
NEW ENGLAND: Diego Fagundez, Lee Nguyen, Kelyn Rowe
TORONTO: Steven Caldwell, Robert Earnshaw, Darren O'Dea
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC getting through match without further injury: 10-1
- TFC blogger getting through preview without injury: 5-1
- Ouch! Mother f*^$%r!!! My finger!!! : EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
Being a single-entity league, MLS can sometimes come to the emergency aid of a club facing serious injury issues. Remember emergency keeper Sam Reynolds? Good times. With TFC's mounting injury list, the league has drawn up a resource which TFC can draw from if they face further medical dilemmas during the match on Saturday:
1) MLS Pool Players
2) Emergency NASL Loan Signings
3) Those guys with the muskets at Revs matches
4) A 50/50 Draw from the 3,000 Revs fans in attendance
5) The Somali Drug Lord Videographer of their choice
6) A Tupac Shakur hologram
7) Anyone who has heard of Queen's Park Rangers

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REVOLTING"

UPDATE: While the City of Toronto was watching their mayor give a press conference wearing a shit-eating grin, Toronto FC announced that they have waived on-loan midfielder John Bostock.

Bostock, the once teen-dream of English football is doing his best to become the new Rohan Ricketts by burning bridges everywhere he goes. Obviously the long-standing rumours that dogged him in England such as being a bad-trainer and having an ego which always saw him playing at Barcelona in his head but the Blue Square with his feet couldn't be shook on this side of the Atlantic.
　
　
And… Since it’s Friday and we could all do with a jaunty tune… and there used to be a band called Daft Punk that made music you could boogie to… and Revolution…

"It's not us, it's you" - The fun has left BMO Field as TFC's only claim to fame fizzles

"Can you feel the passion? Umm...guys? Can you feel it?"

It was always going to be this way. As far back as the first home fixture in 2007, Toronto FC was based on a house of cards that was "the great atmosphere". It didn't help when the assembled North American football media got in line to stroke the club and its supporters’ egos for managing to introduce a "European match atmosphere" to MLS. The club, so wrapped up in this unexpected phenomenon, took a path that would see them bathe in their fans' "ultra" imagery and lean on this as the be all and end all of Toronto's re-born football scene. This golden calf invariably lead them to doing the one thing that would eventually slay this unexpected idol - they didn't bother to build a football club for it.

　
This is old news to 99% of you reading this. The many re-births, the conveyor belt of management and the eternal continuation of "Five-Year Plans" have become the stuff of local farce. Until recently however, the supporters who have graciously, and against all odds, continued to attend TFC matches met the club's lifelong struggles with gallows humour and a frustrated resilience. The once exalted atmosphere, while steadily decreasing, seemed strong enough to at least allow the ground's denizens a fun day out. For those of you who go to TFC matches regularly are likely aware, and as a note to those that do not, the fun has gone.
　
It is palpable in the air. Joviality towards our lovable bumbling squad has turned into hostility and - far worse - deafening apathy. There is not an ounce of blame available to put on a single supporter or group who still attends due to their genuine affection for TFC (or at least the sport) as most are all out of spirit. The club has beaten it out of their fans through a battle of below-mediocre attrition that few fans would be willing to endure. Yes there are fans of other clubs around the world who have suffered through worse but they likely support a club with history and past glories to lean on. In Toronto, supporters can only lean on paper-thin promises of better days ahead. A Herculean sales pitch that MLSE likely didn't expect to have to make.
　
The question thus becomes - how will the club sell a day out at a match? There is a palpable fear that the ownership will begin to panic soon. The original recipe for success was selling a football experience that was as close to "old world" sensibilities as you could find in North America. There was a refreshing lack of bottled Arena Football-esque bottled atmosphere. The near organic supporter culture papered over the rapidly exposed ills of a poorly managed team. But when this is gone, how will an ownership that has a PhD in "Sizzle over Steak" react?

THE STARTING 11: Similarities between Victoria Day and attending a TFC match

Shot on goal!

Face it, after standing (or sitting depending on your BMOfication) through that damp-flannel-to-the-face-of-a-match on Saturday - we deserve an extra day off. Well thanks to that wacky monarch and hottie from history Queen Victoria - you get one! Yes, the lady who brought you such hits as "Ottawa" is rolling out 24 hours of long weekend shenaniganism - but don't get too excited, there are some parts of Vicky Day (TM) that are much like spending the day with Toronto FC...

 

11. Obnoxious pyrotechnics are set off for no good reason

 

10. Neither have anything to do with the modern era

 

9. Troubles are forgotten through mass alcohol consumption

 

8. Most of the action happens right at the end

 

7. Americans stand around looking confused by it all

 

6. You wake up the next day feeling worse

 

5. Nobody works hard or does anything productive

 

4. An Irishman inevitably ends up angry

 

3. You sit in traffic for hours just to watch things go up in smoke

 

2. We celebrate on the 24th for a long departed Brit

 

1. Much like Queen Victoria... "We are not amused"

"Mega LOLZ"



THE SOUTH (BEER) STAND REPORT: TFC vs. Crew... or the one where The Yorkies got drunk on the May 2-4 instead

We sing in the 50th!

SATURDAY 1PM ET: For our loyal readers who have dropped by to read the usual post-home fixture article - "THE SOUTH STAND REPORT" - we regret to inform you that our regular reporter (follow him on the Twitternet @ignirtoq for malarkey) has been indisposed today. Possibly family, maybe legal, dragon-related is in the mix but definitely not crack. That's ridiculous... looking at you Toronto Star.

 

Long-story getting too long, we decided against trying to replicate our main man's charming BMO Field post-match magic and instead embrace the spirit of the first long-weekend of summer. We're going to start drinking now. It's the 2-4 and we support TFC all year. We deserve this.

 

What will follow later tonight will be brought to you by the fine unionized workers of the LCBO and the minimum-wage pint-pullers at BMO Field. This one's for you Queen Victoria...

 

Whussup party people? We said whaaaaaa-ssssssuuuup? Remember that guy?

 

Starting XXI:

Bender

Andy Richter - O'Neil Henry - Scottish dude - O'Day

Reginald Lamb - Laba Rat - Arsenio - Braunaldo

The One Who Scores Sometimes - That Kid That Got Drunk (bro)

 

Let's play ball!

1' - People are here! That's crazy but I like barbecue too. Mi castle su castle!

8'- Serious though... when I was a kid people didn't even get dressed up to got o a match anymore. Now they are like here is my Arsenal shirt because it's got WiFi for skateboarding. Pfft. Have some self-respect for yourself.

14' - Reggie Lambe? That's a lie. Liver and onions if we're being honest.

18' - You know who that was? Jesse Barfield.

20' - REFEREE!!!

22' - Loan signings coming to MY country and stealing MY jobs

24' - "OOOOOOOOHHHHH DONNIE DARKO!!! DONNIE DARKO!!! DARK-OOOOHHH!" Yes! 24, 2-4 whooooo! Jack Bauer can't beat Stefan Frei any day. Bitch!

25' - #WesleySnipes #AlwaysBetOnBlack

30' - Danny Hoovermans? Yeah I didn't order Hollandaise on my tuna melt thank you very much.

34' - REFEREE!!!

34'' - REFEREE!!!

37' - Kevin Payne? I've got Kevin Payne, it's called seven years of heartbreak

39' - Bears can NOT run sideways

 

40' - Screw you Row 2 doucheneck, I will sing what I need. "Nights in White Satin...". Sorry I'm not "Step Up: Revolution".

40' - Why didn't Hogan Ephraim just pick up the phone when Paul Orndorff called? Sad.

42' - GOAL: Columbus - Just a bunch of yellow running past red then some guy... Odoodoo?... You weren't there man.
TORONTO 0 - COLOMBIA 1

44' - I'd buy Duncan Fletcher a cake all day.

 

HALFTIME: In line for brews

 

45' - SUB: CONVOY!!! BRRRR! BRRRR! on for Braunaldo

45' - Keep playing your Limp Bizkit music BMO Field. Test me. Keep testing me. I paid my money.

50' - Get off your phones! Oh look at me I'm in HD at the match. Selfie! Shellfish more like. "Foursquare me! Foursquare me!" Get a grip. Denise.

52' - Steven Caldwell is a tall drink of carrot water. I'll be your Huckleberry Hound.

55' - REFEREE!

 

56' - Score some damn points Ryan Neilson

57' - SUB: Dwayne De Osorio on for Arsenio. Woof! Woof! Woof!

61' - Columbus Crew? More like Justin Timberlake.

61' - SexyBack

61' - SexyBack

61' - SexyBack

61' - Scott Bakula

63' - REFEREE!!!

64' - SUB: Australian guy from New Leazand on for Lamb. I got your mint sauce right here.
72' - Joe Bender is a shot blocking gherkin

75' - They don't want to pass the ball these days like Diego Madonna. They just want the latest Firefox on the LA Galaxy Notepad. "ReTweet me, ReTweet me".

82' - No, I'm not Dr. Spock are you tough guy?

84' - Kenny Stamatopolous would have done better.

89' - EMO Field is the best stadium after the French Open

90'+' - REFEREE!!!

 

FULL TIME: TORONTOS 0 - COLUMBUSES 1

 

Man of the Match: Darren O'Dea cuz he's Irish son!

 

Goat of the Game: Lamb. Bahahahaha - BURN!

 

Ref Rating: WANKER! I'd kick you in the pelvis

 

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : Look Ryan Neilson has to stop letting the media dictate all his passion right? Stop putting the wrong players on the right spot and just let it happen. Don't listen to YouTube - what does she know? Just three words: giv'er

 

Kit Spotting: I saw one guy wearing four Leafs jerseys.

 

Quote of the Match:

Sir it would be best if you left.

- Some lady in a yellow jacket and a nametag that said Dave

 

I'm going to be totally honest with you. I'm sorry. I know you like the other guy who writes these because he "lays off the booze". I'm not perfect okay? It's true I am no Dr. Spock but I have been to lots of these football matches before and let me tell you something about today's match that your pals in the office don't have the balls to tell you: that was a match too. Sue me. You don't like the truth? There are good seats available at Coventry City. RAcist.

 

Yeah today's match... listen guys... it's all a bit fuzzy. Something about a Barbasol can and a lab rat? Red guys were kicking stuff the wrong way, yellow dudes were like "WTF hombre?" Did they win?..... What?..... No?..... Again?

 

I'm good with my choices in life.

 

Player Ratings: I just threw up. Not from beer.



THE MATCHUP: Construction delays

"I'm too sexy for Crew Cat"



TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 5PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It's that time in the MLS schedule where Glasgow must bow to the pent-up intensity of centuries of Ohio-Ontario sectarianism as "The New Soft Derby" kicks off. Our canary-hued (7-Year) Auld Enemy is back in town to inevitably frustrate us in neither team's quest to secure the 2013 Trillium Cup. Crew may be facing a very different TFC on Saturday however as The Reds could give debuts to three newcomers: loanees Steven Caldwell and Jeremy Brockie, as well as recently acquired Bobby Convey (BRRRR! BRRRR!). You can't spell "change" without the "C" in "TFC".
　
Can Team Payne's Non-Youth Movement stop the late-match malarkey that has plagued TFC this season? Can Ryan Nelsen turn the ship around? Will there be an earthquake? Is Bitchy on the pipe? Since there isn't really any other news going on in Toronto today - this match will surely be the talk of the town.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft Derby"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Jeremy Brockie, Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba
COLUMBUS: Eddie Gaven, Federico Higuain, Dominic Oduro
　
THE ODDS:
The Trillium Cup to be:
- Damaged in an aftershock of Friday's quake: 10-1
- Turned into ceremonial civic crack pipe: 5-1
- Continuing its eternal irrelevance: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
With the continuing mid-season roster changes, Toronto FC could very well have a starting eleven on Saturday with a near 40% turnover since opening day. Never ones to miss a beat, the TFC promotions team are using this to their advantage by offering the delicious new BMO Field concession: "The TFC Turnover"! This unctuous pastry is bursting at the seams with leftover fruit loaned directly from some of Britain's most mediocre farms! Don't miss out on the "Trillium Cup Special" on Saturday where fans can buy seven turnovers and get 10% off a delicious "Five-Year Flan"!
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "BOBBY CONVEY TRADE BLASTED AS A LEFT-WING CONSPIRACY"

"We got a little Convey"

Well, almost a QPR kit

"Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Pig Pen, c'mon?" Pretty sure this is how the conversation went down between Kevin Payne and Sporting KC's front office as TFC's President traded for MLS veteran Bobby Convey earlier today.

　
While not exactly the blockbuster midfield DP that Payne was hinting at/ drumming up ticket sales with earlier this week but Convey is a fairly solid winger of the "been there-done that" MLS variety. While not the type of acquisition that will turn around the eternally sputtering club's fortunes, the ex-D.C United and Reading man is the type of workman that successful MLS clubs seem to have. A possible upgrade on the mercurial Hogan Ephraim and perhaps a challenge to the leftback role that was Ashtone Morgan's to lose and one which he has.
　
Young football fans of the GTA are hardly going to be running out to get "CONVEY" kits but if he is on form he will add some needed quality out wide. Considering the trade ballast to SKC was practically nothing there is little risk to the deal. However, Convey is on fairly hefty (MLS hefty) wages so The Reds' wage bill will now be a bit tight... pending further moves.
　
Plus, Bobby Convey used to live in Kevin Payne's basement when he was a teen so that should be good for future gags.
　
"We gonna roll this truckin' Convey 'Cross the U-S-A.!"

TFC waives Ashton, Morgan

Wrong Ashton(e). Wrong Morgan.



Be honest, you clicked here thinking that Toronto FC had released Ashtone Morgan. If we had advertising revenue on this site, we would be counting the extra pennies right now - but no, we were just being dicks. How else could we garner interest over this story?
　
With the impending arrival of loan signings Steven Caldwell, Jeremy Brockie and perhaps Tal Ben Haim, space was needed to be roster compliant and the first cuts were the most obvious. Supplemental Draft Picks and "Camp Shining Light" sweethearts Ashton Bennett and Taylor Morgan are Reds no more with the club waiving them today. They are unlikely to be the last departures from BMO Field.
　
With Kevin Payne informing us that TFC really only has "one or two" players with any kind of competitiveness and/or heart (thanks Kevin, we didn't notice) and also that players would be "naive" not to expect changes - expect changes. Whether this means more loanees of the castaway variety or the rumoured midfield DP of the "please don't stop buying tickets" variety, only time will tell. Assume that the time is rapidly approaching.
　
No word yet from the Ashtone Morgan camp if he is pleased to have sole possession of both his names once again.

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC reasons for loan signings

Payne and Nelsen look over scouting reports



Nothing in football says "building for the future" and "setting a strong foundation" like a squad full of 3-month loan signings. And by "nothing" we mean just about anything. Since February, Kevin Payne and his band of Merry Management at TFC have dropped the hint that 5 or 6 player signings are constantly imminent. What they fail to mention is that they are usually short-term rentals from football’s international bargain bin. Trying to fix a club so bereft of quality with a transfer philosophy similar to a ZipCar agreement seems odd but the club must have their reasons right? Hello?
　
11. Impossible for opposition to scout the club when the roster changes every 2 weeks
　
10. How else will Toronto FC be able to reach the lofty goal of 200 players in 7 seasons?
　
9. Those hilarious Wonga puppets make loans seem fun!
　
8. How else can you be absolutey 100% certain that you are acquiring players that no other club wants without actually seeing them underperform in person?
　
7. Supporters given the chance to sing haunting Liverpool-esque song "You’ll Only Sign On Loan"
　
6. Why would you sign a player to a long-term deal when the manager only has 5 months left on the job?
　
5. That annoying MLS Anthem can be replaced with the jaunty "Lone Ranger" theme
　
4. The English Championship has a great deal this summer where you can rent unwanted players for 7 weeks and get the 8th week free!
　
3. The same revolving door at a fraction of the cost!
　
2. Kevin Payne just can't get enough of the gag where he enters Ryan Nelsen's office and seductively says "I've finally got you a loan..."
　
1. Why buy the cow when you can get the lumpy, sour milk for free?
　
　
And… since we love reader suggestion box… and we’re pretty sure the Ogden City Mall has an Orange Julius… the new TFC theme song (with minor lyrical adjustment of "A-" to "On")

"Wait until I get you a loan..." Reds bag another cast-off as Ben Haim joins TFC

Ben Haim: Loan boy



If it's Thursday that must mean another temporary signing from the bargain bin of English football. In their attempt to become the QPR of MLS (at least until June 30th) TFC has added Israeli International defender Tal Ben Haim... wait for it... on loan.
　
According to Kevin "The Loan Arranger" Payne "Tal Ben Haim has been one of the top defenders in the EPL for nearly a decade". According to everybody else, Ben Haim has played on seven clubs in the last decade and has exactly ten first team appearances since 2010. So pretty much samesies. Managing a whole three league appearances on a QPR team that plummeted to the depths of relegation this year, it must have been a wrenching decision for Harry Redknapp to let such an important jewel depart.
　
We're no mathematicians here at The Yorkies but by our calculations, Toronto FC is now made up of 78% loan signings. On June 30th when they expire we should be left with Reggie Lambe, Logan Emory and Jim Brennan. Fact*. (*Not a fact)
　
If this article seems ridiculous and exasperated it is because we are a bit exasperated and the news is a bit ridiculous. We are well aware of TFC's many, many, MANY shortcomings but how are the constant additions of temporary Band-Aids (of the slow veteran or misfit variety) in any way building this club for the future? What preparations for 2014 are actually taking place when a big portion of your first team isn't scheduled to be here in July 2013?
　
The other side of the rent-a-player equation is the knock-on effect on the actual players on full contracts. The acquisitions of Ben Haim and Steven Caldwell before him are an obvious shot across Danny Califf's tattooed bow. TFC's defence has indeed been porous, flaccid and in need of help but how a set of temporary cast-offs from England's nether regions helps that in the long-term is way beyond us. As usual, the constant at TFC is change.

Corey Haim: Lost Boy

THE MATCHUP... and bonus... AFTER 90: Predicting Earthquakes

Good work Richter... not you Ryan.



SAN JOSE VS. TORONTO
　
BUCK SHAW STADIUM - WEDNESDAY 10:30PM
TV: THE SCORE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
The enthusiasm surrounding "new-look" TFC that some felt earlier this season is at a bit of a low-ebb at the moment. After what feels like 14 straight matches lost in the final 5 minutes, Reds supporters are understandably a wee bit exhausted. Honestly, there won't be too many brave souls willing to stay up on a weeknight until 12:13 when TFC allow a boneheaded goal in at the 88th minute.
　
Now we know there are some diehards (seek medical help) who will suffer a red-eyed Thursday morning commute in order to stay up late tonight. We will watch, we know you reading this will watch... and that guy there who just clicked on this site too - he's watching. Whassup Frank? But, for those of you who just won't be arsed to stay up and want to leave nightmares for your sleep we will aim to predict the future after this truncated match preview with a ready-made wrap-up of tonight's match... from THE FUTURE!
　
MANUFCATURED DERBY NAME:
"The Late Aftershock"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SAN JOSE: Chris Wondolowski
TORONTO: Matias Laba
　
THE ODDS:
- The noise of palms slapping foreheads in the Toronto-area at approximately 12:13AM registering on the Richter Scale: 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Depending on construction and the 2014 MLS schedule this may be the last time TFC graces the hallowed pitch of "The Roadside Chapel of Football" - Buck Shaw Stadium. So excited are Bay Area football fans to move out of a high school stadium that more than 6,000 showed up to the ground-breaking ceremony for the new Quakes' ground. Promoters hope to eclipse this number for the official Buck Shaw demolition event where stars of the 1990 hit film "Tremors" Fred Ward, Michael Gross and Reba McEntire will flip the switch on a giant robotic earthworm that will swallow the sheet-metal that makes up Buck Shaw's ironically earthquake-prone architecture.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "(LATE MATCH) DISASTER!"
　
And now... so you can get your doctor recommended minimum 7 hours sleep...

AFTER 90: Predicted Earthquake

Good work Sexy Ghost... not you ghost liver.



WARNING: Look into the future not for gambling purposes. If you see this vision of the future in public do not try to change it or Biff Tannen will inevitably control the Toronto Casino.
　
FIRST HALF:
5' - Joe Bendik looking good as Quakes come out strong
10' - Ty Harden header forces save
15' - Possible sighting of George Best's sexy ghost in North Stand
22' - Robert Earnshaw goal called back due to offside
30' - Dan Gargan almost puts SJE ahead with ball off his ass
35' - Robert Earnshaw hits post
40' - Sam Cronin free kick forces Bendik save
　
HALFTIME: SAN JOSE 0 - TORONTO 0
　
50' - SUB: Reggie Lambe off for Jonathan Osorio
60'- Ty Harden almost scores own goal when Dan Gargan cross hits back of his head
63' - Robert Earnshaw beats trap, shot flies over the bar
74' - Ghostly apparition of bottle of rum reported floating around female fans
78' - Sam Cronin looking dangerous
82' - Jeremy Hall does something
88' - GOAL: San Jose - Ty Harden passes to Dan Gargan who backheels to Sam Cronin; Logan Emory looks like he has seen a (sexy) ghost and dives to the ground accidentally tripping Cronin in the box. Chris Wondolowski taps in the loose ball.
SAN JOSE 1 - TORONTO 0
90' +: SUB: Nobody is still watching. Probably Hogan Ephraim.
　
FULL TIME: SAN JOSE 1 - TORONTO 0
　

If the future happens to divert from this set path (screw you Sarah Connor) then we will add the (unlikely) different outcome below at some point in that strange alternate dystopian future. Come with us if you want to live....

THE ALTERNATE ACTUAL FUTURE:

SAN JOSE 2 - TORONTO 1
What did this prove? The future has many paths. Most of them still lead to TFC losses though. Oh and also that Justin Braun is a cyborg sent from the future to destroy us all. You have been warned. Nighty-night sadists.