THE MATCHUP: Où est l'Playoffs?

TORONTO VS. MONTREAL

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The 401 Derby"

FACTS* AND STATS**

TORONTO FC

- 2:1: The odds that TFC's post-match will include the words "mathematically", "still", "in" and "it"

- Corners: Where General Managers paint themselves into when refusing to add the word "interim" in front of a late-season coaching hire's title

- Jermain Defoe won't necessarily consider a defeat to Montreal on Saturday as a loss but more gaining a day towards his next emotional reunion. Glass half full.

- In the middle: Where Michael Bradley in most effective and also where he finds himself between Don Garber and Jürgen Klinsmann

- 5-10: Number of players we will probably be seeing in a TFC kit in person for the last time

MONTREAL IMPACT

- "Lots": Just how much Impact would love to end TFC's season

- 30%: Approximate number of seats that will remain intact in the away supporters' section by the final whistle

- Scoffing: The noise that will be heard around the stadium when visiting Montrealers sample BMO Field poutine

- "Still inhumane": Issey Nakajima-Farran's feeling towards TFC

- "Marco Di Vaio": The name that finishes the inevitable TFC supporter sentence "You just knew it would be __________"

*Possibly

**Maybe

THE STARTING 11: TFC-related roadside attractions on Highway 401

"No Maxim, no!"

The "401 Derby" between TFC and Montreal Impact is not only one of MLS' most fierce rivalries but also one with a heavy flow of supporter traffic between the two cities. Connecting Toronto and Montreal is of course the mighty Highway 401 (and then something called an Autoroute 20 in Quebec). Along the rather mundane journey are a few spots of interest: "The Big Apple" near Colborne, a short detour to Jungle Cat World in Orono; and, that mystery smell near Cornwall. However, if the keen TFC supporter keeps an eye out, they will find a few spots with great relevance to their beloved club...

11. "The Issey Nakajima-Farran Inhumanity Memorial"

10. A 40-foot tall Greg Sutton goalkeeper's glove

9. The spot just outside of Bowmanville where the TFC bus pulled over to let Danleigh Borman pee in the woods only to drive off without him on purpose

8. The rural barn which Chad Barrett could infamously not hit the side of

7. The massive pothole in the express lane where Maxim Usanov punched the Highway 401

6. The curb where Mikael Yourassowsky used to is still trying to hitch a ride back to Belgium

5. "The Maurice Johnston On-Ramp to Nowhere"

4. Every bridge that crosses to the USA where Jacob Peterson used to try and escape the team bus and run across to freedom

3. The Thousand Islands / The place where Collin Samuel drank a bottle of Thousand Islands salad dressing

2. Prescott, Ontario's infamous nightspot "Club Prescobar"

1. The Official Town of MLSE: Port Hope



THE MATCHUP: Feeling Blue

MONTREAL VS. TORONTO
STADE SAPUTO - SATURDAY 5PM ET
TV: TSN

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The 401 Derby"

FACTS* AND STATS**
MONTREAL IMPACT
- Nick De Santis has become the first Italian name to ever leave Montreal Impact involuntarily.
- 7.5: Gallons of leftover cheese brine used to irrigate the Stade Saputo pitch. Fermental!
- A "Dilly Duka" has become the hottest gherkin-based side dish to a Montreal Smoked Meat sandwich.
- 3: Puppets used on the Quebecois kids' show "Jacques, Macques & L'Ernie"
- There is a 50% chance that the Impact's 2014 season is just a very elaborate Just For Laughs Gag.
- 14: Weeks before Frank Klopas must clean out his office.
- Futty Danso is only 17% as fun as he sounds.

TORONTO FC
- Reds' newcomer Warren Creavalle will be pressed into action by Ryan Nelsen because "his last name sounds a bit Frenchy and stuff".
- The club is keeping the existence of infamous Montreal nightspot "Club Super Sexe" a secret from Jermain Defoe until after the match.
- 3: Number of TFC fans who still consider Issey Nakajima-Farran's trade as #inhumane
- Dominic Oduro has publically expressed his relief that he wasn't dealt to Montreal as shaving a provolone ball into his hair would have been "too weird".
- Before settling on Bitchy the Hawk, TFC considered an expensive transfer that would have brought the St-Hubert Chicken to Toronto to defend BMO Field from seagulls. Saucy!
- 18: Other MLS clubs who would chew off their arm to have Michael Bradley in their line-up so stop being crazy when he has an off-night.
- Gilberto has been frustrated in both of Canada's official languages.


*Maybe
**Possibly

THE MATCHUP: Le spoil

How's that whole "Shining Light" bit going?

 

TORONTO VS. MONTREAL
　

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN

DISCLAIMER: In no single way do we like Montreal Impact or have any wishes for their future good fortune. We also do not "cheer for the Canadian team" when TFC is out of the playoffs - this is club football – get a grip nancy.

THE KICKABOUT:
Schadenfruede. No, not the last name of Montreal's manager but the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. It is a delicious prospect for Toronto FC supporters, so bereft of anything to cheer for with our own club, that perhaps The Reds may instill some last minute damage upon our rivals and in turn we feel slightly better about our own lot in life. With a victory on Saturday (and some other MLS chips falling on Sunday) TFC could effectively dash Montreal's hopes for a post-season appearance. Tres jolie!

If things do go all flat Pepsi-Cola for Montreal, let's all have a good ribbing at our neighbour's expense. If we can't have nice things why should they? However, we should never mock their attempt at winning. They may fail, but they tried. Perhaps the heavy investment on older stars whose best days are past may not work out in the end. But you know what? They gave it a solid kick at the can.

In 7 years, can we honestly look in the TFC mirror and say that our club ever went "all in"? Nope. The closest we ever got to winning ambition was "hoping to qualify for the playoffs". So yes, we hope TFC wins and Impact end up wallowing with us in the pseudo-relegation zone because they are our bitter rivals. But at least they wanted it. There is no shame in failing; there is great shame in never trying.



So long old friend.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The 401 Derby"
　

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Bright Dike, Alvaro Rey
MONTREAL: Davy Arnaud, Marco Di Vaio, Alessandro Nesta
　

THE ODDS:
- TFC fans leaving with a sense of optimism: 500-1
- TFC fans leaving with a sense of resignation: 50-1
- TFC fans leaving with a sense of deja vu: EVENS

 

 Cheers for the hard work Ecks.

 

WHO ARE YA?

The final match of the year is a time to reflect back on a rewarding season and also gives the club a chance to give thanks back to fans. In the past, TFC fans have received toques and er... toques. This year however, word is that TFC may be giving out 2013 Memory Boxes featuring mementos from a great season including:

 

- A Julio Cesar match-worn nothing

- Photocopies of John Bostock's British Airways return ticket

- A piece of actual Terry Dunfield sock tassel

- Inukshuks!

- Commemorative Allocation Coins

- Some old red thread that was originally meant to bind us all

- A "Get Used To It" bumper sticker

- No refunds

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "C'EST LA VIE"

 

Aren't you late for dinner or something?

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto FC vs Montreal... or who doesn't like memes?

You guys, seriously... I just spent the best $1 ever on an app.  It's a meme generator (link for those that don't know) and now I can create appropriate Toronto-related memes in class internet form.  It's the bestest.  And why the hell not?  It's not like there's been much good to say.  Our formerly hot young defender is a red-card magnet head-case, we're thin on the back line and we're playing Montreal.  Sure for some, this is a 'derby'.  For me, they're a grey mouse (more on that later).

Toronto is coming off of a positive-but-utimately-disappointing performance against RSL, and RSL ain't anything special.  They're no Montreal.  First place Montreal.  Year TWO Montreal.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish we were owned by a cheese magnate... *sigh*

1' - GOAL - Romero gets sent in catching a sleepy O'Dea, Bendik comes out to thwart the attempt, but doesn't get enough on the shot as the rebound ends back at Romero's feet and he puts it in a near-vacant net.
ROBINS 0, FROMAGE 1

6' - GOAL - Brockie gets loose, wide left side of the box and launched a bullet high right. 
ROBINS 1, FROMAGE 1

20' - GOAL - OK, what?  Caldwell gets his newly signed skull onto a cross and buries it.
ROBINS 2, FROMAGE 1

24' - GOAL - What.  The.  Hell.  Is.  Going.  On.  Here.  Silva lays it off to O'Dea, takes three big steps into the box and hammers it low and into the corner.  Amends made.  This is happening!
ROBINS 3, FROMAGE 1

37' - YELLOW - Russell for a rough tackle.  Sure, why not.

44' - YELLOW - Convey for, um, something.

Half-Time Mood : Damn.

46' - YELLOW - Agbossoumonde for, what can only be described as, accumulated bullshit.

49' - Blown call?  Blown call.  Sometimes it's so obvious...

55' - At this point we realize that someone is terribly gun-shy...

67' - Brockie gets set up with a ball 12 yards out by Lambe, but Chad Barrett's it way over the bar.

Quote of the Match :

He's the Earnshaw of Bermuda.

~ @theyorkies1812 on Lambe attempting
to poach bad defender passing

Then this shit happened...

69' - GOAL - Kamara turns and fires from nearly the penalty spot.
ROBINS 3, FROMAGE 2

70 - GOAL - Ugh.  Di Vaio.  I predicted it, to be fair...

ROBINS 3, FROMAGE 3

74' - SUB - Braun comes on for Silva.

77' - SUB - Hall comes on for Russel, which is well received from our stoop.

84' - SUB - Lambe makes way for Koevermans, a.k.a. Dutchsh Jeshush

89' - Brockie nearly becomes a legend with a shot just side of the right post.  So damn close.

4 minutes of extra time.

FULL TIME : TORONTO 3, MONTREAL 3

Man of the Match : We're gonna go with Brockie though there was some serious love for Laba and O'Dea could've had the nod if he hadn't fell asleep in the first 39 seconds of the game.

Goat of the Game : Agbossoumonde if only for the fear that he was one more tackle away from pulling a Henry.  He wasn't bad, but he was getting chippy.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5. Giving Toledo a 1 is too easy.  There were a few times he let play go when it could've been stopped for a foul but didn't.  But he blows so many simple calls.  We did joke that it would be a challenge for him to screw over both Canadian sides tonight and if there was a way that neither team would earn points, he'd find a way.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : While I appreciate going for the win in the last few minutes, I should be forgiven for wondering why the hell Koevermans came on when a fresh defender could've appeased uneasy regular patrons.  Also, I know this may not be a gaffer problem, but there wasn't a single defender that could be dressed as there were really none (naturally, anyways) on the bench?

Kit Spotting : We saw an AEK kit, which was different.  We almost gave the nod to the guy with the TFC kit with our very own Haitian sensation Fellinga on the back until we spotted a Sydney FC home on the way out of the ground.  Winner.

When you have to explain to people why they announce a sell-out when clearly one in every five seats are unoccupied, you aren't impressing anyone... seriously Silva, SHOOT THE DAMN BALL... To be fair, I predicted 4-1 Montreal.  If you don't think I have faith, then I don't think you ever watch the matches... Speaking of predictions, we believe Brockie is going to play out much like Plata : heralded loan a success, back to parent club, returns next season from a full transfer, bust, picked up by L.A. and bags a brace in his first full appearance... man, who doesn't love the 30 minute GO Trains, amirite?... Toronto truly deserved the 3 points tonight.  They played cohesive, creative, agressive football for about 65 minutes, which is about equal to the amount of football of the same description that they've played in TOTAL all season before tonight.  Struggled to regain composure after the quick two Montreal goals, but it wasn't all panic in the last ten minutes... I still wish Di Vaio played for Toronto, even though I really wanted to see Bendik pummel after end-of-half whining.

I was fortunate enough to travel to Germany for the 2006 World Cup and while in Munich, I stopped at the club shop of the greatest club in all of the nation, TSV 1860 Munich!  While there, I asked the attendant how easy or difficult was it to obtain kits from other clubs, specifically Hannover 96.  He told me that with the exception of the big clubs, like Bayern, Dortmund, Hamburg and maybe Schalke 04, you'll have to go to that particular town to find it.  Every city and town has a club and they are referred to as a "grey mouse" (translated from German), which is, common and unremarkable.

For me to hate/dislike Montreal is irrational because neither club has done anything significant to the other in their quest(s) for glory.  "Big" clubs to me are the glamour teams or historically successful ones, like DC United, L.A. Galaxy and Harrison Extreme Beverage.  I have a stronger distaste for Dallas and Kansas City than I do Montreal or Vancouver because nothing has happened with the northern clubs.  For now, Montreal is a grey mouse.  One day that may change.

Player Ratings : Bendik 7, O'Dea 6.5, Agbossoumonde 6, Caldwell 7, Richter 6, Convey 6, Russell 6 [Hall N/A], Laba 6.5, Lambe 6.5 [Koevermans N/A], Silva 6 [Braun N/A], Brockie 7

@ignirtoq feels that he's already got value for the money from the generator. With a little bit of luck/laziness, this won't be the last time he uses it.  We assure you, he will not be able to expense this app.

AFTER 90: Cup runneth ugly

Goodbye old friend

MONTREAL VS. TORONTO

VOYAGEURS CUP SEMI-FINAL 2nd LEG

STADE SAPUTO

　

FIRST HALF:

KICK OFF - In Toronto there is no sporting event bigger than this Amway Canadian Championship Semi-Final tonight. We heard rumours of some type of winter sport being scheduled but couldn't see anything on Wikipedia. Luge? L'anyhoo - the only thing left to find out is how hard Montreal Impact are about to play...

2' - Robert Earnshaw making a surprise start and almost puts the semi-final away but counter attack shot dings the goalpost. Si proche!

5' - Every time I hear Jeb Brovsky I picture a frat house fatty tapping a keg. Le bro.

10' - Stefan Frei slides his way out of a dangerous Andrew Wenger charge and clears. "The Goalblerone" putting the body on the line. Suisse.

12' - Great frenetic pace both ways early on. Neither club giving too many inches. Etroit.

14' - YELLOW CARD: Doneil Henry roadblocks the dangerous Wenger. Disque tacle.

17' - YELLOW CARD: Reggie Lambe for having a 1/6 in 6 game. Moutons.

22' - Both teams playing very high lines. Something has got to give soon on the counter attack. Erreurs.

24' - GOAL: Montreal - On cue. An unmarked Justin Mapp cleans up a mess in the area and slots past a sprawling Frei. Merde.

MONTREAL 1 - TORONTO 0 (1-2 AGGREGATE)

30' - L'Impact have got the provolone between the teeth since the goal. TFC on the ropes. Motivés.

33' - GOAL: Montreal - On cue: Part deux - Daniele Poponi goes around Ashtone Morgan like a training pylon. Awful. Très horrible.

MONTREAL 2 - TORONTO 0 (2-2 AGGREGATE)

37' - Just for shiggles Montreal subs in some flash in the pan named Marco Di Vaio or something.

40' - Kyle Bekker with a medium strength long-distance strike. TFC's first attempt in ages. Froid.

43' - GOAL: Montreal - Simple cross seems to pass through 19 different TFC players (yes,even the bench) and lands at the feet of... who else? Marco Di Vaio. Embarrassant.

MONTREAL 3 - TORONTO 0 (3-2 AGGREGATE)

45' - Could not have wished for a worse half. Cauchemar.

HALFTIME: MONTREAL 3 - TORONTO 0

(3-2 AGGREGATE)

SECOND HALF:

45' - SUBS: Jeremy Hall and Luis Silva on for Kyle Bekker and Andrew Wiedeman. Kind of like bringing on Marco Di Vaio. But not.

50' - TFC vainly attempting to muster some offence for the important away goal but lack the quality in attack to create real chances.

55' - Wow. Matias Laba better look like Diego Maradona Jr. if things are going to change going forward for TFC this year.

61' - GOAL: Montreal - Marco Di Vaio eats Toronto's "defence" alive before slotting a pinpoint pass to Andres Romero who scores with ease. Who knew you were allowed two good players up front in football? Huh.

MONTREAL 4 - TORONTO 0 (4-2 AGGREGATE)

68' - Montreal more than happy to pass this match into oblivion. TFC more than indifferent to let that happen.

73' - SUB: Ashton Bennett on for the spirited Jonathan Osorio

77' - Pigeon French and cheese references unsurprisingly of little comfort

84' - Bizarre turn of events as John Bostock only one showing any emotion on TFC.

90'+ - GOAL: Montreal - Di Vaio does what he does and turns match into a bigger farce.

MONTREAL 5 - TORONTO 0 (5-2 AGGREGATE)

90'+ - GOAL: Montreal - Farce to disgrace. Andrew Wenger powers home the 6th goal. That's one more in goal difference than the 6-1 win of TFC you're if you're counting.

MONTREAL 6 - TORONTO 0 (AGGREGATE 6-2)

FULL TIME: MONTREAL 6 - TORONTO 0

AGGREGATE 6-2

PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 4 / Ryan Richter 4 / Doneil Henry 3 / Danny Califf 4 / Ashtone Morgan 3 / John Bostock  4.5 / Kyle Bekker 4 (Jeremy Hall 5) / Jonathan Osorio 6 (Ashton Bennett N/A) / Reggie Lambe 3 / Andrew Wiedeman 4 (Luis Silva 4) / Robert Earnshaw 4

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Really? Jonathan Osorio. Why not?

THE BATH:

So I guess TFC were resting the "A Squad" (if that's really a thing here) for that big match on Saturday against bitter rivals... the Colorado Rapids? Even if that were true, you will be hard-pressed to find a Toronto supporter tonight who is ok with that. You'd likely find less who will find any silver lining from a match where TFC showed such a lack of vision, skill and, most worryingly, spirit against their greatest rivals.

 

Yes the gulf in talent between Montreal and Toronto is embarrassingly drifting wider all the time but going into a derby match with a 2-0 aggregate and simply not showing up is nothing short of an insult to your support. A support who have had little to hang on to outside of this tournament and its CONCACAF reward. The result will be wrapped up and promo'd as a "learning experience" by the club but management should be very concerned by a squad that seems to lack a lot of fire at the moment. Worried more that they could take such a beating from their only true rival. That is no building block.

AFTER 90: Not so gouda

Smell that fine-aged One-Year Plan



MONTREAL VS. TORONTO

OLYMPIC STADIUM

FIRST HALF:

KICK OFF - The grande story of the day is of course the thousands of Rouges dans le Stade du Roof Crumblement. While NBC crows over a couple of hundred D.C. United fans who made it to New York, Torontonians en masse have invaded The Big O to propel new look TFC over their much-improved rival - The Cheesemakers. Is that a chorus of "You'll Never Provalone" we hear? Commencer!

2' - Great loud start from the decrepit stands of Olympic Stadium. TFC supporters in fine voice. Impact supporters in fine corporate sponsor noise-maker.

4' - Joe Bendik tips a close-range Marco Di Vaio strike to safety. Solid save.

10' - Reds on the back foot early. Scrappy in the midfield but disjointed in attack.

11' - An early gift for TFC as Montreal's legendary defender Alessandro Nesta leaves the match with an injury. Joey Saputo applies a cold mozzarella di bufala to his thigh. Probably.

20' - YELLOW CARD: Jeremy Hall for a slightly rambunctious tackle. Slightly. Hello to all of our readers in the Baldomero Toledo refereeing family. We feel your shame.

25' - In their new third kit you can squint and pretend this is a 1990 fixture between Inter Milan and Liverpool. Squint harder and you can pretend the stadium looks like 1976.

29' - Hogan Ephraim slides a pass across goal for Robert Earnshaw but it's broken by Jeb Brovsky at the last second. Fancy footwork by TFC.

34' - PENALTY: Dubious call as Ashtone Morgan bumps Andres Romero in the box. GOAL: as Patrice Bernier stutter-steps it past Joe Bendik. Merde.

MONTREAL 1 - TORONTO 0

38' - Dangerous runs and wing play seen against Sporting KC last week M.I.A. today. Also, most of the other good stuff as well.

45'+ - GOAL: Montreal - Reds' midfield then defence carved like a warm brie as Marco Di Vaio waltzes around Joe Bendik (or whatever dance Italians do) and doubles the lead.

MONTREAL 2 - TORONTO 0

45'+ - Mi-temps.

HALFTIME: MONTREAL 2 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:

46' - Reds unchanged to start. Tactics need to be if they are to make something of this match.

50' - Toronto all 6's and 7's in attack. Unless you are counting shots on goal where they are more like 0's and 1's.

52' - Scramble in the Montreal box leads to Hogan Ephraim acrobatic attempt that rattles the crossbar.

53' - High pressure leads to another Toronto break - Earnshaw forces a fingertip save.

58' - Ad hoardings reveal that Pizza Pizza has a different "11-11" phone number in Montreal. Oh Quebec, you just have to be different don't you?

60' - SUB: Kyle Bekker on for Jeremy Hall

62' - Montreal fans amusing themselves with the wave. Ultras.

64' - SUB: Darel "The Roy G." Russell on for Ashtone Morgan

67' - PENALTY: Montreal defender Daniel "Scent of a Woman" Iapichino pulls Terry Dunfield down in the area. GOAL: Robert Earnshaw with his third of the year.

MONTREAL 2 - TORONTO 1

75' - Got the penalty and he is a lovely gent but Terry Dunfield having a shocker today.

84' - SUB: Jonathan Osorio on for Danny Califf

87' - Impact skillfully killing off the clock. Saputo skillfully putting together a cheese basket for Man of the Match.

90'+ - Big O scoreboard displays word "NOISE". Noise is made.

FULL TIME: MONTREAL 2- TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6 / Richard Eckersley 6 / Danny Califf 5.5 (Jonathan Osorio N/A) / Darren O'Dea 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5 (Darel Russell 6) / Reggie Lambe 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 5.5 (Kyle Bekker 5.5) / Terry Dunfield 4.5 / Hogan Ephraim 6.5 / John Bostock 5.5 / Robert Earnshaw 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Hogan Ephraim

THE BATH:

Yes there was some dodgy officiating and all of the goals could have been argued against in one form or another but Toronto FC did themselves no favours in front of thousands of travelling supporters. Bereft of attacking options, midfield control and flat-footed defensively, The Reds lacked the shape and tactical discipline seen in parts of their previous matches. A shame that the efforts of so many away supporters couldn't be rewarded.

With rumours of up to four new additions en route and some debuts yet to be made, we will hear (far) too much about how TFC is a work in progress between now and the next fixture but today was the first time this season that little progress was seen. While nowhere near the time for excessive hand-wringing and/or scarf-burning it was not a fun fixture. Worse still handing your derby rival an undefeated record while witnessing the difference between a One-Year Plan and successive Five-Year Plans.



THE MATCHUP: Les Reds marchons dans

Home of Le Kop

MONTREAL VS. TORONTO
　
OLYMPIC STADIUM - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Like it or lump it MLS, "The 401 Derby" is unchallenged amongst the league's derby days. When you throw in all the other muck that makes Montreal v Toronto a powder keg in any sporting, political, cultural or Mitsou-based clash, it can't be beat for heat. Just to be dicks about the whole thing, TFC supporters are invading en masse dans le Big O and are set to break (our own) MLS away day travel record. Throw in the bonus that Montreal is looking like a good squad and TFC are seemingly in ascendance and merde just got real.
　
With approximately 5000 red clad Ontari-ari-ari-ans making a spectacle of ourselves in our own "Kop" in The Big O, we thought it only right to emulate some other famous Reds and sing a little tune to our provolone-money host. Learn the tune, learn the words (like so)... hold your scarf up high....
　
When you walk through the store
Hold your basket high
And don't be afraid of the rind
　
At the end, of the aisle
There's a golden wedge
And that sweet cheesy tang of Cheddar
　
Walk on, past the Swiss
Walk on, past Colby
Though your choice... is all your own
　
Walk on, walk on, with Saputo in your cart
And you'll never Prov-alone
You'll never Provalone
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The 401 Derby"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
MONTREAL: Patrice Bernier, Marco Di Vaio, Alessandro Nesta
TORONTO: John Bostock, Robert Earnshaw, Darren O'Dea
　
THE ODDS:
- Darren O'Dea not doing well with either official language: 10-1
- "Club Super Sexe" not accepting TFC Discount Cards: 2-1
- Someone commenting that it's "provolone" not "provalone": EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
Nowhere in Canada was yesterday's Papal announcement more closely followed than in Catholic-heavy Quebec. Not ones to miss a promotional opportunity, Toronto FC quickly put a new third goalkeeper kit into production for their own Vatican-esque property. "The Swiss Guard" Stefan Frei kit should be available soon through your local parish.



POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
" (SOMETHING ANGRY IN FRENCH) !!!"
　
And… no matter what happens on Saturday Reds’ supporters… you get to leave The Big O come back to this…

THE STARTING 11: Gameday differences between Toronto FC and Montreal Impact

That's one delicious seat cushion



Bienvenue à la "401 Derby"! With the new improved Stade Saputo (aka L'Emporium de Fromage) under construction and the bones of the squad starting to come together via the MLS Expansion Draft, TFC's natural rival, Montreal Impact, are inching towards life in the big leagues. The derbys between Toronto and Montreal will no doubt be some of the fiercest contests in the league. Due to the many layers of the provincial rivalry, comparisons between the two clubs will be rampant, including how the gameday experiences match-up...

11. Impact supporters sections outnumbered by smoking sections

10. Early-season frostbite in both official languages

9. One section of stadium constantly threatening to separate and start their own club

8. Tons of inflammatory chanting proclaiming St. Hubert's superiority over Swiss Chalet

7. Instead of Bitchy the Hawk, a dude named Claude sits on Stade Saputo's roof and reads angst-filed poetry at pigeons

6. 40% higher reports of baguette-related assaults

5. $10 glass of red wine

4. Referees often replaced by wacky cast of "Just For Laughs Gags"

3. After scoring the first goal, fans plan on showering the pitch with empty Jos. Louis wrappers

2. Scotts' Turf Girls replaced by mime troupe pushing imaginary lawnmowers over pitch

1. Le Butty Poutine

TFC rule the road at "401 Derby"

Not just a highway... a rivalry

Le party is over at Stade Saputo once again. The "Pink Provolones" aka L'Impact du Montreal have been L'eliminated from the 2010 NutCan by Toronto FC. On a chilly night at the "House That Le Cheese Built" (and of course massive provincial payouts) TFC managed to outwork the hometown Impact just enough to grab the win and three points which puts The Reds in a solid position in the tournament.

To use a Quebecois analogy, the first half of the match was like a cold plate of poutine washed down with a warm, flat Pepsi. In other words, stale and boring. In front of a half empty stadium (apparently Montreal has a fairly popular ice hockey team also playing tonight) the two teams did not play anything resembling quality football. Many errant passes and sloppy runs dotted the first 45 with The Reds midfield pairing of Gabe Gala and Martin Saric looking particularly uncomfortable while Nick Garcia continued his hobby of clearing balls to the opponent. Luckily for Toronto, Montreal was even worse but that didn't stop several roars emanating from the crowd unexpectedly. Initial reports that Joey Saputo was throwing salami into the crowd proved to be wrong and it was actually in regards to The Habs scoring goals hundreds of miles away.

The second half saw Preki sub in "The" Chad Barrett for Maksim "Slow-Viet" Usanov and Barrett immediately improved TFC's offensive structure. Toronto started to control the match going forward and the second substitution, which saw O'Brien White replaced by Nick LaBrocca, changed The Reds' gameplan completely. Dangerous shots, good passing and a series of close calls were only denied by some quality goalkeeping by Montreal's Matt Jordan. Impact continued it's sloppy play only to be greeted by a loud cheer - not a prosciutto-cannon, another Habs goal.

TFC finally broke the deadlock in the 73rd minute when a terrific run and cross by the confident Barrett was clattered into the net by a sliding Dwayne De Rosario. With TFC up 1-0 Montreal became more frantic on the ball as they tried to salvage a win in vain. Their poor offensive form was met with a raucous cheer from the few thousand in attendance - or the Habs won. Whatever. TFC held off a late Impact surge with some solid play from Sam Cronin who had a solid second half display at rightback and also some very commanding goalkeeping by Swiss Mister Stefan Frei. At the whistle it was TFC who took the 3 points and once again the dominant male role in the "401 Derby".

In a week where Montreal's football community celebrated its membership into Major League Soccer this will be a major let down. Oh well, 2012 isn't too far away... but maybe Mr. Garber best not schedule any matches when the Canadiens are playing. The random cheering from an empty stadium is just tres bizarre.

MONTREAL IMPACT 0 - TORONTO FC 1

THE WORD: L'Impact du Montreal pour L'Expansion de la MLS avec FC Toronto ou est le Biblioteque?

Hope you like Joe Louis' cakes, St. Hubert Chicken, Pepsi and cigarettes because it looks like "The 401 Derby" is on the horizon! Speaking to financial media outlet Forbes, MLS supremo Don Garber said that Montreal should have the 19th spot in the league by the 2011 season.

No matter what your feelings are about Montreal, Quebec, The Impact, Charles De Gaulle, mimes, body hair... this news is fantastic for Planet TFC and it's supporters. The excitement that is often palpable at BMO Field will be downright fiery when we have a true rival (no offence Columbus, you know you feel the same) playing in a true regional derby. The two cities are already the best of rivals in other sports, politics, language, culture, looks, smell, sausages etc. and football will be an amazing catalyst.

Hopefully this is more than a rumour and Joey Saputo won't put his foot in his mouth once again, pissing off MLS. Let's also hope that the Montreal club will see le light and ouvre le porte for a new name. Impact is a roller hockey name which unlike Whitecaps, Sounders and Timbers has no history or relevance. Bienvenue FC Olympique Montreal? Mais oui!

WORD FACTOR: 8 / 10 (and a side of poutine)