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Showing posts with label Major League Soccer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Major League Soccer. Show all posts

Monday, August 11, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Rewards for beating Bayern Munich in the MLS All Star Game

The most hipster club of all time.

According to many, the 2014 MLS All Star Game was one of the best versions of this annual match. Of course it's still an All Star Game so being called the "best one" is akin to being the tallest midget. We are not really fans of the "Late Mid-Summer Not-Quite Classic" but hey, we probably aren't the target audience. Either way, the MLS potpourri squad put on a show for the skinny jeans in Portland and by beating European giants Bayern Munich, scored some sweet Germanic rewards in the process...

11. Upon his recently announced retirement, Landon Donovan immediately becomes Vice-Chancellor of Germany

10. Don Garber's new office is in the tower of Neuschwanstein Castle

9. Kraftwerk to play halftime at MLS Cup

8. Portland Timbers allowed to rebrand as ultimate hipster football club "Borussia Portmund"

7. Crew Cat gets special delivery of free imported bratwurst for a year

6. Jürgen Klinsmann forced to give Toronto FC a full refund for "fixing the club"

5. For drive back to the airport, team bus graphics changed from reading "BAYERN MUNCHEN" to "BUTT MUNCHIN'"

4. Timber Joey gets 2 hours to "have his way" with the Black Forest

3. Ribery to Chivas USA

2. Bayern Munich manager forced to change name to "Chip Guardiola"

1. France has surrendered to Major League Soccer


Thursday, March 6, 2014

MLS LOGO WEEK - Getting to know your Eastern Conference


Hot on the heels of yesterday's truly* (*not true whatsoever) revolutionary, ground-breaking introduction to MLS #LogoWeek here at The Yorkies, we conclude the parade here today.

After hauling our pioneer wagon of logos and high-end football analysis through the West we turn eastward ho! No you're not a ho - it's a declaration of direction. God, you lot are so PC! This time it's the Eastern Conference's turn - home to thriving, bustling cities, the beauty of the Atlantic seaboard, the mighty Great Lakes... and Montreal is there too. Enjoy it you whores. As in "Go East Whore!" (It's a geography term, trust us.)

CHICAGO FIRE
AKA: The Yallopian Tubes
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "Without them there is no Copa Del Grandos Lagos. Plus we can both agree Lake Erie sucks."


COLUMBUS CREW
AKA: The Crewp
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "Thanks for giving MLS' dirtiest mascot, Crew Cat, a nice warm home"


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

MLS LOGO WEEK - Getting to know your Western Conference

 
The 2014 MLS season is but days away and the North American football punditry industry is in full force. Statistics, depth charts and player profiles are coming thick and fast as some of MLS' brightest minds attempt to predict this season's outcome.

Then there is us.

Why buy the milk when the cow is busy making a solid Raivis Hscanovics gag? Here at The Yorkies we instead take our cue from MLS' most important annual event, #JerseyWeek, and present you with #LogoWeek, where we parade our own take on every club's logo and throw in our in-depth, scientific scouting reports with the info the other guys are too afraid to print!

We start with the Western Conference. Mostly because they are so whiny. What gives west? You've got nicer weather, mountains, plains... um... Alberta and Idaho? Suck it up Pacific buttercups. Never Mind the Rockies, Here's the Western Conference!
 
CHIVAS USA
AKA: The Undera Chivas
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "Making Toronto FC look slightly more professional since 2007"
 
COLORADO RAPIDS
AKA: The Ron Burgundys
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "They have more silverware in the last 8 years than owner Stan Kroenke's other football club"

Monday, February 10, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Potential Miami club names

The 2015 Miami home and away kit

In Don Garber's quest to expand Major League Soccer to 84 clubs by 2019, the Commissioner looked to David Beckham then looked south. No, not at Beckham's southern regions (pervs) but at America's dangly bits... Southern Florida. Hot on the heels of Miami Fusion FC, MLS hopes that with the harnessed star power of international tight undergarment pioneer Beckham, the league can finally crack the South Beach nut. The club has been awarded, the stadium is being negotiated and the Spice Girls are warming up for the anthems. Now... what to name the club?

11. Becka Juniors

10. Olympique LeBron

9. Futbol Club Pour Homme by David Beckham

8. FC Shakhtar Dexter

7. Flamingo

6. Brooklyn, Romeo & Cruz Azul

5. Nipoli

4. Old Man Chest Hair United

3. Victoria Beckham and The Miami Sound Machine

2. H&M Young Boys

1. OGC Vice

Monday, April 29, 2013

THE STARTING 11: MLS alternatives to Toronto FC's pre-match Bitchy ceremony

"Uncle Paulie want a hoagie! Caw! Caw!"

We are making a concerted effort to be less cynical and caustic about TFC sideshows this year. You know, new "winning culture" and all that. It ain't going too good. We have long submitted to blaring music, constant promos and girls yelling at us on the video screen like banshees at halftime but this year's attempt to make "Bitchy the Hawk" into a pseudo-tradition borders on farce. Even the bird wants none of the club's attempt to become Diet Benfica (TM) attempting an upper deck escape a couple of weeks back. But alas TFC will shove the rock n' roll Harris Hawk down our throats until we fight no more and they aren’t the only MLS club with bizarre pre-match malarkey...
 
11. PORTLAND: A captured Sounders supporter is bound and gagged then lead to midfield amidst tribal chants while "Timber Joey" prepares his chainsaw
 
10. REAL SALT LAKE: The traditional launch of the Mormon Tabernacle Cannon
 
9. SEATTLE: A moment of silence is held then every supporter turns to the supporter next to them and repeats "You are the greatest soccer fan in the history of soccer". Three times.
 
8. MONTREAL: Joey Saputo emerges from the tunnel and invites an elderly Italian man from out of the stands who is then offered a year's supply of provolone or... a three year contract with Impact
 
7. PHILADELPHIA: Actor Burt Young, who portrayed "Uncle Paulie" in the Rocky films, is released from his cage and races to his centre-spot perch where he maniacally downs a hoagie to the song "Living in America"
 
6. VANCOUVER: A pot-smoking grizzly bear dressed in yoga gear is paraded to midfield where he dramatically takes off his Ray-Bans and unveils a t-shirt that reads "DEAL WITH IT". The crowd nods silently in bemused satisfaction.
 
5. NEW ENGLAND: Robert Kraft's accountant spreads hundreds of dollars around the midfield circle before thrashing around in them naked to wrestler Ted "The Million Dollar Man" Di Biase's theme song
 
4. NEW YORK: A Manhattan hipster walks out in a New York Cosmos jersey and takes a dump on a Thierry Henry Red Bulls' jersey while yelling "The future!!!"
 
3. CHICAGO: A midget version of Principle Ed Rooney chases a midget Ferris Bueller around the sidelines to that "Oh Yeah" song until they both collapse in exhaustion
 
2. CHIVAS USA: Apparently the single greatest pre-match ceremony in FIFA history is held before every match... however, no one has attended a match to confirm this.
 
1. COLUMBUS: The league's "Dirtiest Mascot"(C) - "Crew Cat" - zip-lines from the upper deck to the pitch where he licks his imaginary cat-balls for three-to-five minutes before "marking" one of the Crew cheerleaders. He gives the finger to the away goalkeeper while leaving to The Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Oh Crew Cat... you dirty but rockin' fake feline!

Monday, April 1, 2013

THE STARTING 11: MLS signs of Spring

Behold, the call of the Great Cascadian ManCannon...

It's Springtime for Garber! No foolin' yo - it's April 1st and no matter what the weather says - spring is ready to sprung up in your business. Being a league that must use a reverse-football calendar (come visit us in January Mr. Blatter), Major League Soccer counts on the seasonal change to attract fans to stadiums across North America. However, not all the signs of spring are as obvious as flowers and sunshine in MLS...
 
11. Chivas USA paid attendance triples... to 21
 
10. Terry Dunfield switches to jaunty pink and yellow sock tassels
 
9. Club Escobar's patio now open!
 
8. De Ro makes a dramatic post-goal tulip-planting motion
 
7. Forest rangers give Timber Joey the stink-eye
 
6. Landon Donovan gets moody (see: summer, autumn, and winter)
 
5. Richard Eckersley begins to blister
 
4. Southern States switch from ignoring the NHL to ignoring MLS
 
3. The three guys on the Columbus Crew logo wear tank-tops
 
2. Joe Cannon begins mating season
 
1. TFC mathematically eliminated from playoffs

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Know your 2013 Eastern Conference


West may be best for baby (saw it on Wikipedia) but the East is where it's at yo! That's right, hot off the heels of our highly factual and influential MLS Western Conference preview (see below) we shift focus to the continent's eastern seaboard... also Kansas and Houston. Whatevs - we're inclusive.

Everyone on this continent knows east is the beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We've got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we throw in Quebec. What son!? Eastern Conference... mic drop.
 
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas / Principal Ed Rooney
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Firenoord
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Joel Lindpere
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, Bloods, wastoids, dweebies; Abe Froman - Sausage King of Chicago
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 4th in East / Sticking a lump of coal up our ass, turning it into a diamond
 
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha / The construction worker on the left
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Crewventus
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Federico Higuain
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: White dudes; People who Google "Did Columbus have the croup?"; A patronizing Gonzalo Higuain
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 6th in East / Having their Crew Cat spayed or neutered
 
D.C. UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen / Someone from Virginia... possibly Maryland
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Washington Wanderers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Dwayne De Rosario... yup.
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The House; The Senate; Moving companies
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 2nd in East / Checking out Craigslist for any stadium vacancies
 
HOUSTON DYNAMO - BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear / A container of TANG
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Dynamo Hockba
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Oscar Boniek Garcia
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Garfield; TV's Snooki; Orange Julius franchisees
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 5th in East / Trying not to be squeezed for juice
 
MONTREAL IMPACT - Stade Saputo
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Marco Schallibaum / Former Italy manager "________"
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: AC Formaggio
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Marco Di Vaio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 7th in East / Making Toronto look bad
 
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps / Paul Mariner
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Boston Celtic FC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Sainey Nyassi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Tea Party members; Musket enthusiasts; Guys who sound a lot like Peter Griffin
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 9th in East / Making MLSE look like caring owners
 
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Mike Petke / Felix Baumgartner
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Monster Energy New Jersey
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Jamison Olave
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: X-Treme Nu Jerzey rezidentz; Caffeinated matadors; People from Queens just biding their time
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 3rd in East / Reminding Manhattan that they exist
 
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: John Hackworth / A couple of guys gettin' up to no good
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Carlton Athletic
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Sebastien Le Toux (of Bel-Air)
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Jazzy Jeffs, Fresh princes; Uncle Phils
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 8th in East / Moving with their Auntie and Uncle in Chester
 
SPORTING KANSAS CITY - Sporting Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes / Not Lance Armstrong
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: B(BQ)enfica
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Graham Zusi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Bunburys of all nations; Ex-sorcerers; Not Lance Armstrong
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 1st in East / Not mentioning Lance Armstrong
 
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Ryan Nelsen / Check back in 9 months
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: WTFC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Ryan Nelsen and a 10-year time machine
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Light shiners; Red threaders; Five year planners

2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH:
10th in East / Feeling real positive about the 20-- Season

Know your 2013 Western Conference


Cup your bits in your hands North America - you're about to be First Kicked. The most majorest of this continent's major league soccer leagues not in Mexico - Major League Soccer - is back for 2013! That's right, Commissioner Don Garber has been busy buffing balls as another season is set to begin and we have the only previews you need*!
(*you will need other previews)
 
Since our romantic letter on Hello Kitty stationary to Mr. Garber, begging for a single table, once again fell on deaf ears, we will start our preview with the mighty Western Conference. Home to the MLS Cup Winners, the hipsters and sasquatches of Cascadia, the raucous Mormon Ultras of Salt Lake... and also Colorado Rapids... the West is a tough division. So join us... Go West! Life is peaceful there... Go West! They have quality Tex-Mex...
 
CHIVAS USA - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jose Luis Sanchez Sola / Bumblebee Man
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Club UnAmerica
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Juan Agudelo
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The Dos Equis Man; Luchdores; No fans of PUMAS, Santos Laguna, Club America or any other Mexican team that isn't Chivas Guadalajara
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 9th in West / Relegated to the Mexican 3rd Division
 
COLORADO RAPIDS - Dick's Sporting Goods Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Oscar Pareja / A Wal-Mart greeter
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Colo Colo Colorado
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Edson Buddle
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: RapidsMan; American Arsenal supporters; Not Stan Kroenke
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 7th in West / Pissing off the few real fans they have left
 
FC DALLAS - FC Dallas Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Schellas Hyndman / A very confused Harry Redknapp
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Queen's Park Texas Rangers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: George John
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lost high school football fans; Fireworks aficionados; People looking for a nice quiet place to sit and read a book for a couple of hours
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 6th in West / Buying out the rest of Toronto's Designated Players
 
LA GALAXY - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Bruce Arena / Miserable looking Hollywood cartoon dog Droopy
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Galaxtasaray
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Omar Gonzalez
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: "Real Housewives"; The remaining cast of "Joey"; Screaming girls who have yet to realize that David Beckham plays for PSG now
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 4th in West (MLS Cup Winners) / Being linked with every member of FIFA's Best XI 2002
 
PORTLAND TIMBERS - Jeld-Wen Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Caleb Porter / Some guy who liked soccer before it was cool
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Hipsternian
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Will Johnson
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Hipsters; Lumberjacks; Hipsters dressed as lumberjacks
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 8th in West / Accepting donations for Timber Joey's chainsaw-severed thumb replacement... ironically
 
REAL SALT LAKE - Rio Tinto Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jason Kreis / ( ________ ) Osmond
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Deportivo de la Utah
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Alvaro Saborio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The Mormon Royal Family; Stocktons; Malones
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 2nd in West / Still getting over the whole Mitt Romney failure
 
SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES - Buck Shaw Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Frank Yallop / Dale Mitchell
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Bayarea Leverquaken
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chris Wondolowski
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The sexy ghost of George Best; The not-so sexy ghost of Buck Shaw / The Holy Ghost of St. Joseph
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 1st in West / Cursing the MLS Playoffs
 
SEATTLE SOUNDERS - CenturyLink Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Sigi Schmidt / Bigfoot in a tight scarf
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: VfB Starbuck
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Mauro Rosales
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The over-caffeinated; That other dude from Nirvana; Harry... but not The Hendersons
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 3rd in West / Testing the boundaries of neon fashions
 
VANCOUVER WHITECAPS - BC Place
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Martin Rennie / Stan Smyl's moustache
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Crystal Meth Palace FC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Assistant Coach Carl Robinson
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: 50% of Cheech & Chong; The British; Colombians who can't spell
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 5th in West / Still going on about SoccerBowl '79

Coming Soon: Know your 2013 Eastern Conference...

Thursday, January 24, 2013

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Kiwis, Barracudas and Platitas, oh my!

Well that's a Sticky Wicket...

NILSIN? PRISINT. DIFINDERS? HAPPY.
Not only are TFC trumpeting the fact that they have "solved" the Caramilk Secret their seven-year defensive woes but they are apparently a blissfully happy bunch too! It seems like supporters weren't the only ones doing a bit of hand-wringing over new manager Ryan Nelsen's protracted arrival with Darren O'Dea admitting "Certainly it was something I was concerned with when he was first appointed," . However, with Nelsen's February 1st arrival on the back of a flock of kiwis (say unconfirmed sources) now confirmed, it seems like the defensive "gang" including O'Dea, Richard Eckersley and newcomer Danny Califf are a delighted bunch of bros. Now if we could just sign two cheery midfielders and a couple of gleeful strikers we could all share in the joy.
 
YOU GOT RESERVED
The long rumoured cuddle party between MLS and USL Pro (the pseudo-North American but not really in Canada 3rd Tier league) has been confirmed. In a perestroika-like handshake (less politburos, more City Islanders) the MLS will blend its Reserve Team schedule with the existing USL Pro division in a mosaic-like interleague kickathon. As part of the long-term cooperation, which has advantages for both parties, some of the 14 USL Pro clubs will be "affiliated" with MLS clubs which will see both player and corporate sharesies. We are really, really hoping that TFC can somehow get their paws on an affiliation with Antigua Barracuda FC. They play in Sticky Wicket Stadium. No other explanation needed. Fine...S.D. "Special Delivery" Jones. You happy now?
 
THEY WILL LOAN OUR "SILVER" - OH YEEE-AH?
An unusual tidbit was making the rumour rounds this morning and it concerns our tiny orphan Joao "Los Webster" Plata. Whispers from the Holy Mormon Kingdom of Utah claim that there is talk of Real Salt Lake loaning Plata from Toronto on a year-long agreement. As stated in the article, the original source of the rumour is most likely Plata's own agent so you are probably best to take it with the biggest grain of salt you can find. If only there was some kind of Salt Lake for such an occasion. Inter-MLS loans are practically unheard of so the most likely scenario is that a desperate agent is trying to get people north of the Rio Grande remembering that Plata exists. Unwanted at TFC and by LDU Quito by most accounts, "Los Webster" may be all out of Popadopolises.

Did someone order a "Special Delivery"?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The TFC Mock SuperDraft Loaf

Mock away!

The MLS SuperDraft is upon us! It used to just be the MLS Draft but then it flew around the world really fast and turned back time to save its girlfriend from an earthquake (Not Frank Yallop) and then people started calling it SuperDraft. Okay?
 
One of the favourite pastimes for North American football writers is to try and attempt a series of mock drafts. Unlike its cousin the mock chicken loaf, the mock draft is basically a fairly educated guessing game in an attempt to predict the draft order. These are the same people who undoubtedly searched for their Christmas presents in November. Also unlike its cousin, the aforementioned loaf of poultryish meat - it makes for a terrible sandwich. Actually they are quite alike on that one. Seriously are you a fake chicken or a fake loaf? Or both? Make up your mind faux-logne!
 
Anyhoo, we will leave actual mock drafting to those much more into it than us (you're shocked, we know) but instead take a look at our local club, those wacky Tee Eff Cee's and their "interesting" draftee history. Much like the genuine mock drafters (mockists? mockasins?) we may just have to take our best educated guess as to where these former "stars of the future" have ended up.
 
2007
# 1 - MAURICE EDU: From TFC to Rangers to Stoke City. The most reliable supplier of grass since I left my Scarborough high school.
# 10 - ANDREW BOYENS: The Kiwi defensive juggernaut and World Cup Hero*. Has been texting Ryan Nelsen for 7 days straight. (*not actual "Hero" but was there)
# 27 - RICHARD ASANTE: Drafted by TFC, moved to Toronto Lynx, Italia Shooters and finally Portugal FC. A Mississauga Eagles FC contract away from completing Tour of GTA.
# 40 - JEFFREY GONSALVES: A forward so highly touted that no one knew a thing about him. That's so underground! Keep it real. Named after "The Jeffrey" (Gotta get back to Scarborough.)
 
2008
# 9 - JULIUS JAMES: Built like a monster - Frankensteinish mobility. Developed decently in MLS though recently with Crew. Still trying to sue Orange Julius and Dr. J in a class action for no good reason.
# 10 - PAT PHELAN: Trade to Revs robbed us of awesome "Are You Phelan It?" tifo. Most recently with SJK of Finland who likely signed him in the hopes that he was a Viking or Conan O'Brien.
# 28 - BRIAN EDWARDS: The eternally shell-shocked eyes of Brian Edwards were always very "Full Metal Jacket". Last played in Sweden - seen staring wide-eyed at IKEA instructions.
# 30 - MIKE ZAHER: Rights traded to D.C. United and has steadily drifted down to Rochester (Still Raging?) Rhinos where he bemoans the death of the Toronto-Rochester Ferry service woefully
# 35 - JOSEPH LAPIRA: The rocket to MLS stardom saw Lapira end up with United Sikkim FC of India's I-League which is possibly an optometrist house league. Shockingly Lapira actually has one lone cap for the Republic of Ireland in 2007! We're thinking he went with the potato curry.
 
2009
# 2 - SAM CRONIN: Despite being picked over MLS defensive superstar Omar Gonzalez, Cronin endeared himself to TFC supporters. Lost at sea in the Great Preki Cull of 2010. Showed more character after the infamous New York Massacre than the guy masquerading as captain. The one that got away.
# 4 – O’BRIAN WHITE: Drafted this high through misguided "hometown" marketing. Was damaged goods from the start and even when fit was quick as molasses. Career ended sadly by the most ironic of health injuries for a prospective Jamaican international – blood clot.
# 13 – STEFAN FREI: Arguably the best pick in Mo "Master of the Draft" Johnston’s TFC career. "The Goalblerone" is one of the few TFC picks... you know... who is still here.
# 34 – MIKE GRELLA: Playing for TFC was so alluring that Grella got on the first plane to England without a contract with a club. Currently at Scunthorpe which is awesome because I got to write Scunthorpe.
# 39 - KYLE HALL: Rumours that this mystery man re-invented himself as Tally Hall, Freddy Hall, Jeremy Hall or Arsenio Hall have all been unproven. Or have they Jeremy? Makes you say "Hmmmm".
 
2010
# 24 – ZACHARY HEROLD: Sad tale of poor drafting and a kid who ended up losing his career to a dodgy ticker. Hopefully run-ins with the law are past him and he can join that Ziggy Marley tribute band.
# 53 – JOSEPH NANE: Spent the first part of TFC career being called Nane Joseph before being corrected to Joseph Nane. Or was it Nane Joseph Nane? Meh – Colorado’s problem.
 
2011
# 26 – DEMETRIUS OMPHROY: A legend in his own mind. Still more famous for a YouTube video over any footballing accomplishments, the American-Panamanian has re-invented himself as an American-Panamanian-Filipino international. Up The Azkals!
# 43 – MATT GOLD: The leading candidate to go on TFC’s "Guys Who Were Orange Wall of Honour". Seriously, like a tangerine in shorts. Found way to San Antonio Scorpions where he has been learning sexy football from teammate Kevin Harmse.
# 44 – EFRAIN BURGOS JR.: Spent a year trying to get a work permit to play here only to end up with 2 appearances. Robbed fans of tongue-twisting "Junior Bacon CheeseBurgos" nickname. Selfish.
# 49 – JOAO PLATA: Was on the cusp of being one of the all-time great SuperDraft steals. Until defenders started putting their hands on his head while he ran Three Stooges style. Does he play for TFC? Does he play for LDU Quito? Just like Webster – a tiny orphan.
 
2012
# 4 – LUIS SILVA: Oh look! Another draft pick who is still here! Chance to be a serious MLS starter… or a high-end Freddie Mercury impersonator. Still has a "Do Not Serve This Man" photo at most Houston-area bars.
# 12 – AARON MAUND: 12th pick? Huh. You don’t say. Traded away for a bit of Braun.
 
So there you have it - not enough choice cuts to fill the smallest of butty buns. Will 2013’s SuperDraft slice up some prime beef, more chicken loaf or will Kevin Payne trade away one or both of the picks for some ready-meals? As you can see from the list above – just when you think you’ve got your hands on some Summer Sausage it can turn out to be that bizarre bologna with the macaroni and cheese in it. And that’s just not "Super" for anyone.
 
So what did this exercise prove? Little... apart from the fact that I need to find a new deli. But neither do many of the best NCAA prognostications – The SuperDraft after all is like a box of cold cuts… you never know… something, something. Mock if you must but it’s probably best to just munch away and hope for the best.
 

Terrible back-to-back picks.

Monday, January 7, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Ways that MLS can make itself more like the NHL

"The Goat"?

The borders are opening, the army is standing down, and the fires ravaging Canadian cities are finally under control. Yes, professional iced hockey is back and Canada finally has meaning as a nation once again. Apparently. You may not realize it if you only digest regular Canadian media, but other professional sports do actually exist within our borders including Major League Soccer. It is hard to make a dent in a country's sporting landscape when the government, corporate advertisers and mainstream media embrace the notion that maybe you aren't a "real Canadian" if you don't pray at the feet of the Stanley Cup but here's a few ways that MLS can appeal to the hoser set by making itself a little more NHelly...
 
11. Put Don Garber in a dryer on high heat - shrink down to NHL Commissioner size
 
10. Empty the majority of American stadiums - tell everyone that "the league is healthy"
 
9. Less ponytails... less teeth
 
8. Pretend you're a major league on the North American sporting scene even as professional bowling scores higher TV ratings (DONE)
 
7. Relocate all three Canadian clubs to the soccer hotbed of suburban Phoenix, Arizona
 
6. Beckhams out! Espositos in!
 
5. Improve TV ratings with easy-to-follow flashing match ball!
 
4. Re-brand second Los Angeles club as "Gerry Cheevers USA"
 
3. Thierry Henry's new mullet
 
2. Keep Toronto franchise as far from Championship as possible (DONE)
 
1. Get Don Cherry to talk smack about Honduras

Monday, October 29, 2012

THE STARTING 11: Other places to lay blame for Toronto FC's woes

Stupid playoff-wrecking low high pressure weather front!

Ah, Fall in Toronto. Glorious foliage, golden sunsets, and the annual pointing of fingers. Nowhere does the passing of the autumnal buck waft as beautifully as through the corridors of Toronto FC. For anyone with a limited knowledge of this tumultuous club (but reading the local newspapers over the last few days) you may be lead to believe TFC's failures were down to: an oppressive New York-based conspiracy; professional footballers being forced to wear suits over flip-flops; the agony of being paid to watch game film to improve one's game; or... shock-horror... a fat player having to play some extra minutes with reserves to shed pancake-weight. Oh the huge manatee! It is hard work trying to lay blame on a scapegoat while running a club into the ground at the same time so we offer TFC these handy other blame-ternatives...
 
11. Pressure from the violent and oppressive Bermudian Government regime to use their players... or else!
 
10. Busy trying to figure out if it should be spelled "Five Year Plan" or "5-year-plan"
 
9. Damn Raivis Hscanovics never fulfilled his abundant potential!
 
8. Hard to get over the long-lasting disappointment from the lacklustre sequels to "The Matrix"
 
7. No time to prepare for next season when you have to give unattributed interviews to local columnists every day!
 
6. Handshake deals no longer being upheld by the Supreme Court
 
5. The greedy NHLPA keeps blocking our plans
 
4. The crippling European Debt Crisis and the resulting shortage in full-length trousers
 
3. HURRICANES!!!
 
2. Don Garber's childish War of 1812 grudge
 
1. Had to get rid of all those loud fans at BMO Field before we could properly concentrate
 
And… since we love to listen to our readers’ suggestions… here is a piece of suitable classical music we should have used yesterday but still suits this special occasion… the new TFC Anthem…

Thursday, March 15, 2012

"No one likes us, we shouldn't care"

Definitely not the Home Depot Center

While The Reds are a far cry from the South London ruckus that is Millwall FC, you could forgive TFC supporters from mistaking BMO Field for The New Den today. Amidst the euphoric din from the triumphant but still bewildered Toronto fans, emerged a narrative from the rest of North America that was somewhat sobering - no one really cares about Toronto FC all that much.
 
Leading up to the match, and most likely until the final whistle, the majority of this continent's media and fans (outside of Toronto) had already written off TFC's chances. Most barely gave The Reds the credit to even provide Davy Knickers & The Boyz a real challenge. When the match ended and turned predictions on their heads, some naysayers were willing to eat crow but mostly with the caveat that poor Galaxy were "so fatigued". Those insights were oft followed with polite pats on the head for the plucky Canucks with platitudes laced with adjectives like "unfashionable", "perennial underdogs" and "underachievers". Back-handed at best.
 
While there will always be a certain sect of the American football fan who will never be comfortable with Canadian clubs in MLS, was it naive to think that last night's famous win could afford the Torontos some cross-border affection? When Real Salt Lake made its run to the CONCACAF Champions League final there was a league-wide love-in that put rivalries to one side and pushed a #MLS4RSL online campaign. However, if early public reaction is anything to go by, a similar #MLS4TFC campaign doesn't look like it would get much traction past the 905 area code, let alone south of the border.
 
For Toronto sports fans, not getting the love from "Canada's shirt" is nothing new - just ask the Blue Jays and Raptors (not that they deserve love). However, TFC probably won't generate much hate from the USA - more likely just apathy. Instead, most of the vitriol and bad tidings in our quest for CCL success will emanate from within our nation. A #CSA4TFC campaign is maybe less likely than the MLS variety. Our dirty hippie cousins at BC Place are still smarting (and telling anyone who will listen) how they should have won the Voyageur's Cup in 2011 and that TFC's run is a sham. Do not expect much in the way of solidarity from the Rockies. Meanwhile our age-old rivals down the 401 would probably rather give up their strip-club memberships than see TFC beat the same Mexican club that gave them one of their all-time worst humiliations. Add the usual Toronto-hate from the rest of the country and The Reds are truly an island.
 
Basically, Toronto FC aren't the high-flying fashionable club that neutrals want to bandwagon on. In English football parlance, we aren't Chelsea or Arsenal - neither nouveau riche nor aristocratic. Instead, we are more in tune with a Newcastle (in Toon?) or Leeds. Big clubs that have made stupid mistakes but have rabid, die-hard supporters who stick by them even if everyone else thinks they are a bit delusional. When success does come for those types of fans, it's always that bit sweeter than at the clubs where it comes easily.
 
The bunker mentality can be a good thing - even the players can feed off the "us vs. them" emotion. So really, if you were miffed today that your beloved club wasn't getting the love you feel it deserves... is that so bad? It's always more fun to swim against the stream and wouldn't you rather be "disliked" alongside 47,000 of your closest friends at SkyDome rather than being "fashionable" at the Home Depot Center?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Know your 2012 MLS Eastern Conference


West may be best for baby (we think that's science) but the East is where it's at yo! That's right, hot off the heels of our highly factual and influential MLS Western Conference preview (see below) we shift focus to the continent's eastern seaboard... as well as Kansas and Houston.
 
Everyone on this continent knows east is a beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We've got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we've thrown in The French this year. What!? Eastern Conference... old-skool.
 
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas/ Bueller... Bueller
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Fire/ The Toyota 3-Point Pick-Up
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Quaker Oats/ Quaker Bratwurst
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Dominic Oduro
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Cameron Frye; Sloane Peterson; Abe Froman - "Sausage King of Chicago"
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contender/ Helping fill the league's smoked meat quota
 
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha/ Crew Cat
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Crew/ The Croup
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Barbasol/ 3 Men on a Logo Contractors Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chad Marshall
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Xenophobes; Students who Googled them accidentally for a history project; Construction workers into threesomes
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs/ Searching for the rest of their away kit
 
D.C. UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen/ Someone who "gives De Ro the respect he deserves"
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Black & Red/ Washington Wanderers
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: VW / U-Haul
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Hamdi Salihi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Imaginary cheque signers; Ancient stadia enthusiasts; Fans from other cities waiting for re-location
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Looking for a stadium in D.C., Virginia, Maryland, Orlando
 
HOUSTON DYNAMO - BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear/ An unemployed astronaut
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Orange Crush/ La Fanta
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Greenstar Recycling/ Tang
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Andre Hainault
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Redundant NASA employees; Oscar De La Hoya's right fist; Spray-Tan enthusiasts
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Being more orange than Snooki and Garfield combined
 
MONTREAL IMPACT - The Big "O"/ Stade Saputo
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jesse Marsch/ Youppi
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: L'Impact/ Le Fromage
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ TD Bank
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Zarek Valentin
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Being rumoured with an aging Italian superstar DP until they sell all their season tickets
 
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps/ Kraft Group's VP of Apathy
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Revs/ Devolution
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: United Health Care/ United Life Support
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Benny Feilhaber
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Wahlbergs; People who thought it was a big pub; Musketeers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Looking at Paul Mariner longingly
 
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Hans Backe/ Every single available washed up, big-name European manager available
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Red Bulls/ New York Costmost
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Red Bull/ A "new" NY Cosmos ad
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Teemu Tainio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Caffeine enthusiasts; Austrian-Americans; No one in Manhattan
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contender/ Arsenal's parent club
 
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Piotr Nowak/ A couple of guys gettin' up to no good
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Zolos/ Carlton Athletic
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Bimbo/ Will Smith's kids
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Danny Califf
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Uncle Phils; Scared moms; Jazzy Jeffs
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Making trouble in their neighbourhood
 
SPORTING KC - Livestrong Sporting Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes/ Someone Portuguese
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sporting/ KFC
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ Teal Bunbury's Immigration Services Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: C.J. Sapong
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Rehabilitated sorcerers; Ex-conjurers; Men behind curtains
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contenders/ Erasing all references to the word "Wizard"
 
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Aron Winter/ Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Reds/ The Robins
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ Half Bell - Half Rogers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Aron Winter and a 20-year time machine
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Eternal optimists; Addicted pessimists; Butty lovers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Taking fans to the edge of glory... bringing them down to Earth with a thud... repeat

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Know your 2012 MLS Western Conference


For many in Toronto it feels like the season has already started. After the emotional roller-coaster that was the Champions League Quarterfinal on Wednesday, you can forgive Reds supporters for feeling a touch anti-climactic. But that won't last. Once the CCL hoo-hah has worn off there will be a palpable excitement for what 2012 holds.
 
Of course part of preparing for a season is brushing up on your competitors. This is the time of year when all of North America's serious football media make their annual predictions - and we at The Yorkies are nothing if not hard-hitting, serious investigative journalists. We start with a look at the Western Conference first since our desire for a single table is limited to shopping at IKEA. Go west - life is peaceful there... and they have quality tacos.
 
CHIVAS USA - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robin Fraser/ A Mexican wrestler named "El Managerio"
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Goats/ Club Un-America
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Corona/ Nick LaBrocca: Personal Injury Lawyer
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Heath Pearce
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The late Taco Bell dog; some dudes outside of a Home Depot; No fans of PUMAS, Santos Laguna, Club America or any other Mexican team that isn't Chivas Guadalajara
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league / Still being referred to as "oh yeah, them"
 
COLORADO RAPIDS - Dick's Sporting Goods Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Oscar Pareja/ Champ Kind
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Rapids/ The RonBurgundys
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ Sex Panther Cologne
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Omar Cummings
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: A mountain man; RapidsMan; Anchorman
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Never an afternoon delight
 
FC DALLAS - FC Dallas Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Schellas Hyndman/ a confused Neil Warnock
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Hoops/ Queen's Park Texas Rangers
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ A random BBQ sauce stain
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: David Ferreira
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lost high school football fans; Suburban cowboys; People who want a nice quiet place to sit for 2 hours
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contenders/ Playing quality football in front of dozens
 
LA GALAXY - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Bruce Arena/ Cartoon dog Droopy
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Galacticos / Davy Knickers & The Boyz
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Herbalife/ Victoria Beckham Jeans
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Landon Donovan
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Piers Morgan; Vinnie Jones; The Real Housewives of Carson, California
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Waiting for season to end before rushing off on loan
 
PORTLAND TIMBERS - Jeld-Wen Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: John Spencer/ Timber Preki
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Timbers/ The Ironic Trees
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Alaskan Airlines/ American Apparel
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Kris Boyd
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lumberjacks; Hipsters; Hipsters dressed as lumberjacks
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs/ Making all other fans wish they could party quite like that
 
REAL SALT LAKE - Rio Tinto Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jason Kreis/ Mitt Romney
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Royals/ Jason Kreis and The Latter-day Saints
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Xango/ bwin (think about it!)
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Will Johnson
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Spanish royalty; Stockton & Malone; Sister wives
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Playing in front of the whitest crowd in football
 
SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES - Buck Shaw Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Frank Yallop/ Dale Mitchell
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Quakes/ The Natural Disasters
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Amway/ Mayan Calendar Club
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chris Wondolowski
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The ghost of George Best; Seismology aficionados; Saint Joseph
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Still waiting to see a shovel in the ground
 
SEATTLE SOUNDERS - CenturyLink Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Sigi Schmid/ A Sasquatch in a scarf
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sounders/ Sigi and the Hendersons
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: XBOX/ a spray painted Neo Geo
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Fredy Montero
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Frasier's dad; 30% of Soundgarden; Xavier McDaniel
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Blinding those who look directly at their third kit
 
VANCOUVER WHITECAPS - BC Place
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Martin Rennie/ A yoga instructor
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Caps/ Crystal Meth Palace FC
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Bell/ Lululemon
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Darren Mattocks
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The editors of High Times magazine; Orcas; Stan Smyl's moustache
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Still going on about SoccerBowl '79
 
Coming up tomorrow... "Know your 2012 MLS Eastern Conference"

Thursday, January 5, 2012

TFC 2012 TBA no more

Twice to Montreal? That's handy.

Taking time from their busy schedule of designing dodgy new kits with blasphemous monochromatic badges, only being rumoured to actually sign players and wetting themselves over the possibility of David Beckham's extended stay with LA Galaxy, TFC today released the official 2012 schedule via Major League Soccer. Plan your lives accordingly to the unbalanced mess of a fixture list here.

While there are only minor changes from the leaked version of the schedule that went online a few days ago, the official version does have kick-off times so your drinking can now be planned in advance. Apart from that, we now get a little less Red Bull and a bit more Sporting but are still without a visit from Western Conference giants LA Galaxy, Seattle or Real Salt Lake. Someone at MLS headquarters obviously still believes we can sell out games no matter what. Alas, SIXual Healing now has shape.

Monday, November 14, 2011

THE STARTING 11: Overlooked details in MLS' "State of the League" address

"Looks like the Golden Frank will be the decider!"

Every year during the lead-up to the MLS Cup, the league Commissioner holds a "State of the League" press conference. The speech is usually a self-congratulatory pat on the back detailing all of the ways the loop has improved over the past season and hints about what direction MLS plans to take in the future. Most of the continent's media treat the conference with the reverence usually reserved for big news stories like water-skiing squirrels and gay penguins, which means that more than a few details are missed by time the story hits the presses...
 
11. Club with best regular season record to get "nice bouquet of flowers" to mark occasion
 
10. All future shirt sponsors must be "BIMBO"
 
9. Future annual "Best XI" team competitions to include talent and swimsuit portion
 
8. Not enough time in the season to have a balanced league schedule... meaningless midseason friendlies upped to 8-12 matches per club
 
7. David Beckham offered Columbus Crew, FC Dallas and New England Revolution as part of contract extension offer
 
6. Future Extra Times to be decided by competitive hot dog eating
 
5. Canadian clubs forced to wear inflammatory "evil Mountie" costumes when playing in the US
 
4. Despite lack of stadium, NY Cosmos will enter the league - home matches to be played on Staten Island Ferry
 
3. Re-alignment will see MLS split into 19 Divisions - winner of each division qualifies for playoffs
 
2. Automatic 3-Game suspension for any player or coach who "accidentally" refers to MLS Commissioner as "Dong Grabber" during interviews
 
1. Starting in 2012 - Los Angeles and New York get annual bye to MLS Cup Final

Monday, October 31, 2011

THE STARTING 11: Major League Soccer Playoff promotional slogans

MLS 2021 Playoff brackets are set... Go Oklahoma!

We have never made any bones about it - we don't like playoffs in football... unless you're trying to get promoted to the Premiership (hello West Ham). Playoffs that decide a "champion" after a long, hard season is wrong on many levels but such is life in North America. It's better than nothing, we know. And by nothing we mean no local football... just hockey. So, barring the miracle of UEFA buying Major League Soccer we live with the wacky world of playoffs while waiting for Don Garber to expand the league to 64 teams in 8 regional divisions. With the playoffs still being the jewel of MLS' eye, we thought we'd suck up our bias and help the league with some needed promotional campaigns...
 
11. "Where the cream rises to the middle!"
 
10. "Like the FA Cup - but stupid"
 
9. "Rewarding 8th Place finishes with a shiny trophy!"
 
8. "Toronto-free for 5 Years"
 
7. "Where Colorado vs. Kansas is a thing"
 
6. "You can't spell F*** Off without Playoff"
 
5. "Henry vs. Beckham: 2003 is soooo jealous!"
 
4. "Ignoring the wishes of football fans - knockout style!"
 
3. "Who needs Single Tables when you have musical chairs?"
 
2. "Our commissioner’s name is almost Dong Grabber"
 
1. "Making regular seasons redundant since 1996"

Saturday, October 15, 2011

AFTER 90: Punchy Reds give Philly’s finest a Rocky ride

A Red takes Philly's best on the chin

THE BUZZ:
The only real curiosity going into today’s match at PPL Park for Reds’ supporters was what kind of line-up Aron Winter would trot out. With the official “Most Important Match of the Season” coming up on Tuesday in Champions League, would the first-year manager opt to play it safe with a B-Squad - or, would the Dutchman’s competitive streak best the coach and see him go for three points against Philly, risking stamina and injury? A plucky Rocky I where TFC fights hard and gets a moral victory in Philly? A Rocky II where a finely tuned TFC upsets the favourite? A Rocky III where a bloated and lazy TFC gets knocked about and Union tells their wives to “go home with a real man”? A Rocky IV where Maxim Usanov returns and kills TFC’s best friend? Or those other Rockys where… you know… no one watches…

FIRST HALF:
42’ - GOAL: Philadelphia - Sebastien Le Toux
PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0
44’ - YELLOW CARD: Andy Iro

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Frings defending “like a boss”
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Harden assisting on Le Toux’s goal

HALFTIME: PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
55’ - SUB: Nathan Sturgis for Torsten Frings
59’ - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson
PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 1
60’ - SUB: Gianluca Zavarise for Joao Plata
69’ - SUB: Kyle Davies for Doneil Henry

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Leaving Philly with no injuries
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Realizing that Freddy Adu went to Europe to eat ALL the pies

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 1

THE MOOD:
It will be a surprise to many that a match where so little was expected from the underdog TFC ended up being so competitive. So… a bit of a Rocky I in the end. Undermanned and heavy on youth, The Reds showed a lot of determination and what they lacked in technique, they made up for in heart. They went toe-to-toe with the superior Union in the First Half and were only punished by a defensive mistake of a goal. The Second Half was perhaps even more impressive in that TFC not only managed to tie the match but keep their form with the introduction of three seldom used subs. Not quite a knockout of Clubber Lang - but a definite improvement over the doughboys punching meat last time these clubs met. Now if we can just be Ivan Drago to FC Dallas’ Apollo Creed.

The match left us feeling like: watching the sequel

PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 7 / Doneil Henry 5.5 (Kyle Davies - ) / Ty Harden 6 / Andy Iro 6 / Ashtone Morgan 6.5 / Torsten Frings 7 (Nathan Sturgis 6.5 ) / Matt Stinson 6 / Eric Avila 6 / Nick Soolsma 6.5 / Ryan Johnson 7 / Joao Plata 7 (Gianluca Zavarise 6 )

THE YORKIES’ TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Milos Kocic
TALKING POINT: Season VI may me better than Rocky VI. Discuss.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

AFTER 90: If the Goat horns fit

Doesn't want to face Pumas either

THE BUZZ:
The only real prize for the winner of tonight's match will be for overly optimistic Goats or Robins supporters (yes, we are trying call TFC "The Robins" for sh*ts and giggles) to pretend for one week longer that they have a playoff hope. The truth is, both clubs are on the outside by some distance looking in and are mostly playing for pride and 2012 jobs. The question going in for TFC was whether or not Aron Winter would play a 2nd Team to keep bodies fresh for Tuesday's CCL tilt with Pumas. Heading into Home Depot Centre however, it looks as if Winter decided on the 1st Team option. Stubborn as a goat - or exhausted by Goats? A decision that may haunt the rookie manager if The Reds are flat on Tuesday.
 
FIRST HALF:
8' - YELLOW CARD: Ashtone Morgan
12' - GOAL: Chivas USA - Juan Pablo Angel
CHIVAS USA 1 - TORONTO FC 0
27' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley
44' - YELLOW CARD: Andy Iro
 
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Not letting in four goals.
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: TFC ruining our "Goatbusters" theme.
 
HALFTIME: CHIVAS USA 1 - TORONTO FC 0
 
SECOND HALF:
45' - SUB: Terry Dunfield for Julian de Guzman
71' - GOAL: Chivas USA - Justin Braun
CHIVAS USA 2 - TORONTO FC 0
73' - SUB: Peri Marosevic for Ryan Johnson
77' - GOAL: Chivas USA - Juan Pablo Angel
CHIVAS USA 3 - TORONTO FC 0
84' - SUB: Danleigh Borman for Danny Koevermans
 
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Koevermans and Eckersley’s near-goals.
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Chivas’ actual ones.
 
FULL TIME: CHIVAS USA 3 - TORONTO FC 0
 
THE MOOD:
Whether it's justified or not - when TFC inevitably fails to beat Pumas on Tuesday, many will put the blame squarely at Aron Winter's squad management going into tonight's match. There were many calls for Winter to play a 2nd unit against Chivas considering TFC's impossible MLS playoff chances and the importance of the CCL match. Truth be told, The Robins (again!) would struggle against a superior Pumas no matter the line-up but patience is at a low ebb and many will grumble towards the Dutch manager. Silly optimistic playoff talk can now end for good and in 72 hours we may be saying that about 2011 in general.

The match left us feeling: like we wanted a refund for our Saturday night.
 
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6 / Richard Eckersley 5.5 / Ty Harden 5 / Andy Iro 5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5 / Julian de Guzman 5 (Terry Dunfield 5 ) / Torsten Frings 5.5 / Eric Avila 5 / Nick Soolsma 5 / Danny Koevermans 6 (Danleigh Borman - ) / Ryan Johnson 6 (Peri Marosevic - )
 
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Ugh. Ryan Johnson?
TALKING POINT: If a fake Mexican team beats us this bad - what will a real one do? Discuss.