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Monday, January 7, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Ways that MLS can make itself more like the NHL

"The Goat"?

The borders are opening, the army is standing down, and the fires ravaging Canadian cities are finally under control. Yes, professional iced hockey is back and Canada finally has meaning as a nation once again. Apparently. You may not realize it if you only digest regular Canadian media, but other professional sports do actually exist within our borders including Major League Soccer. It is hard to make a dent in a country's sporting landscape when the government, corporate advertisers and mainstream media embrace the notion that maybe you aren't a "real Canadian" if you don't pray at the feet of the Stanley Cup but here's a few ways that MLS can appeal to the hoser set by making itself a little more NHelly...
11. Put Don Garber in a dryer on high heat - shrink down to NHL Commissioner size
10. Empty the majority of American stadiums - tell everyone that "the league is healthy"
9. Less ponytails... less teeth
8. Pretend you're a major league on the North American sporting scene even as professional bowling scores higher TV ratings (DONE)
7. Relocate all three Canadian clubs to the soccer hotbed of suburban Phoenix, Arizona
6. Beckhams out! Espositos in!
5. Improve TV ratings with easy-to-follow flashing match ball!
4. Re-brand second Los Angeles club as "Gerry Cheevers USA"
3. Thierry Henry's new mullet
2. Keep Toronto franchise as far from Championship as possible (DONE)
1. Get Don Cherry to talk smack about Honduras


  1. Go back to Britain assholes

    1. This must be one of the new guys?

    2. To our Anonymous friend...

      Oh we would love to visit but we just can't get our hands on those British Elite League Ice Hockey tickets. Go Coventry Blaze!

      I'm sure you'd be happy to put us on some boat with other immigrants for free right?

      Much like your no doubt beloved Maple Leafs... xenophobia and more-than-borderline racism suck.

      To Jonathan... we just can't hold on to those new customers can we? Back to 7!