LETTERS FROM CAMP: Put some Philly on it

Dr. Phil?

Pre-season isn't just for players you know. Us hard-hitting investigative journalists/punmonkeys need to get ready for this season as well. So, while our Eff Cee's took on the Union down in Orlando, we decided to multitask and host a Q&A with some of Philadelphia's leading personalities about the upcoming season...

THE YORKIES: There was a brief war of words between the front offices of TFC and Philadelphia Union, do you see this stoking a greater rivalry between the two clubs?

ROCKY BALBOA - EX-HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER: "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"

THE YORKIES: Union have been in a building mode for the last few seasons, has the reason for the lack of silverware been a tactical issue or is there something else holding the club back?

THE FRESH PRINCE - MUSICIAN/TRAVELLER: "Parents just don't understand."

THE YORKIES: TFC have made some major signings this year. Who do you see having the most significant impact in 2014?

HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE - LOCAL STORYTELLER/DOCTOR: "You seeeeee, let me tell you about the soccerrr and the balls in whatchamacallit! The pudding pops! Mmmmmmm!" (Rolled his eyes for 30-40 seconds) "Theoooooo!"

THE YORKIES: Are American fans upset at Michael Bradley signing with Toronto over an American destination?

A CHEESESTEAK - LOCAL SANDWICH/HERO: "Squoooooge, slrrrrrrplop"

THE YORKIES: Do you feel that the 4-4-2 as often played by both TFC and Union is an outdated tactic in the modern football environment?

THE PHILLIE PHANATIC - SPORTS PERSONALITY/GREEN: "HOOOOONK!!!"

THE YORKIES: Care to elaborate?

THE PHILLIE PHANATIC: "Honk. Honk honk. HOOOOONK!"

THE YORKIES: How close do you think Philadelphia and Toronto will be in the Eastern Conference playoff picture?

IVAN DRAGO - INTERNATIONAL SPORTSMAN: "To the end."

THE YORKIES: Interesting. Which club has a better chance?

IVAN DRAGO: "You will lose."

THE YORKIES: Thank you for your time today.

IVAN DRAGO: "I must break you."

THE YORKIES: Oh. I see. We'll be off then.

THE YORKIES: Is there a player we should be looking at to have a breakthrough season with Union in 2014?

MUSHMOUTH - FORMER 'COSBY KIDS' GANG MEMBER/COMMUNITY ACTIVIST: "Hubbudah bubba, hubba wubba. Dubbubbudah.. Also watch out for hubbubbudah."

THE YORKIES: What impact do you think the World Cup break will have on the performance levels and chemistry of MLS clubs this summer?

PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE - SPREAD: "Fllllllrrrrppppthh."

We thank our colleagues in the Philadelphia sporting scene for these illuminating insights.

FINAL: PHILADELPHIA 0 - TORONTO 0



LETTERS FROM CAMP: LuluLaba - Reds' DP off to Vancouver Whitecaps on loan

"Me and this giant ball will take care of your boy"

Of all the options available in the Matias Laba 2014 exit strategy, a loan deal within the league wasn't too bad. The fact that it looks as if he is going to a national rival puts a wee bit of a sting into its tail.

According to The Province tonight, The Reds and The Caps have agreed to a loan deal under the new MLS intraleague loan rule that will see the midfield maestro spend the year at BC Place. Whether or not he would be allowed to play against TFC (especially in Canadian Championship matches) is so far unclear. In most parts of the world, a player on loan rarely faces his parent club... but this is MLS so who the eff knows?

Having Laba come back and bite TFC's asses in 2014 would suck. Seeing The Caps, who TFC have built a nice rivalry with, succeed with Laba would suck. Losing Laba permanently would have sucked so much harder.

Under a loan agreement, Laba will presumably return to TFC in 2015 and no longer fall under the DP category. In other words, a year of seasoning under a pretty good ex-defensive mid in the form of Caps' manager Carl Robinson then back as a part of a midfield that will feature a young core of Michael Bradley, Jonathan Osorio and himself.

It would have been a touch nicer if he could have been loaned to a Chivas or San Jose, deep in the west where we rarely see them, but it is what it is. Between the choice of Laba being sold back to South America, traded within MLS for some crappy draft and allocation stupidity or spending one year sleeping with our yoga pants-wearing neighbour - we'll take it.

See you in a year Matias... pretend you're injured when Vancouver play TFC please.



LETTERS FROM CAMP: M-Emerys

Welshman game action photo. Rare. Mint condition.

Unsurprising news news: Toronto FC have parted ways with former first-round pick and local lad Emery Welshman. A non-descript ending for an underwhelming year in TFC red.

Drafted 16th overall by Kevin Payne & Co. just over a year ago, Welshman was part of the "905 Combo Platter" with Kyle Bekker that saw hopes of a "Made in Toronto" future at TFC peak. The fly in the ointment was that Welshman had no real business being drafted that high and was never at the level of MLS-ready. The jury on Bekker is only slightly still out.

It was a feel-good story on paper but as with many things in TFC history, it was sizzle over steak. The now 22-year old forward was trumpeted due to his proximity to the GO Train rather than what he could honestly bring to TFC.

It is a shame as Welshman was very excited to be a member of his hometown club but Ryan Nelsen obviously has no place for him now or in the future. With a glaring depth issue at striker after Bright Dike's injury and four loan slots available at Wilmington, The Reds see no long-term value in trying to develop the player. If he was Emery Welshman from Ohio, no one would bat an eyelash.



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Don't get Goofy

 

Yes it all had a familiar look. Yes it all ended in a familiar way. However, let's only start panicking if we get to May and the likes of Andrew Wiedeman, Reggie Lambe and a handful of youngsters are in the starting eleven. Until then, this match is about as important as the following fixture...



ORLANDO CITY 1 - TORONTO FC 1

If TFC looks this way in two months time then you have full permission to act as Goofy as needed.

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Crew vs. Latvia

It's a funny thing living in Canada and not really being all that much of an iced hockey fan. Attitudes toward my kind range from social pariah, to traitor to the nation and on to suspiciously extraterrestrial. But it's true and it’s what sees me as one of seven Canadian citizens ignoring Canada vs Latvia in Sochi and opting for TFC v Columbus Crew at the Mickey Mouse Tournament in Orlando. On the internet. Via Twitter mostly due to dodgy streams.

I lead a rich, full life.

So here it is, a friendly versus our "bitter rivals* (*closer to butter rivals) as gleaned from crap read off of social media...

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO - Space Mountain, Orlando Florida

1' - Brazilian DP Gilberto leading a strong TFC line-up from up top. Crew line-up is assumed to be wearing yellow.
5' - Michael Bradley passed to the Canadian women's bobsled team for a Gold Medal
10' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higauin from a free kick. The end is nigh.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
12' - GOAL: Columbus - Josh Williams from a corner. The end nigher. #NelsenOut #SpringtimeForSatire
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0
14' - GOAL: Toronto - Own Goal. Sport Goofy maybe? Sure. Slightly less nigh.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1
20' - Someone on Twitter's sister made thousands working from home. I should ask her how.
25' - Free @TOMayorFrod
35' - De Ro has done little to help Canada beat Latvia
40' - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE PUPPY IN A HAT]

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

45' - 2nd Half underway. A game of two halves? One for the neutrals? Givin' it 110%? All the clichés are up for grabs in Orlando!
47' - SUBS: Agbossoumonde and Wiedeman in for Caldwell and Gilberto. Tactically speaking this move is indicative of... oh who are we kidding? Wet Wiedeman gag. That's better. No more subs talk.
48' - Mighty Latvians have been brought down to Earth by plucky underdog Canadians! That one was to up my street cred. Was that good guys?
55' - FACT: Neither Arsenal nor Bayern Munich have won the Disney Soccer Classic.
61' - GOAL: COLUMBUS - Something named Adam Bedell puts TFC to the sword. Serious nigh action.
COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1
65' - [RANDOM RIGHT-WING AMERICAN POLITICAL RETWEET FROM PERSON YOU DON'T REMEMBER FOLLOWING] 70' - "Hilarious" tweets highlighting that "TFC spent $100 Million on this?" never getting old.
75' - Football men kicking footballs.
80' - What if they made ski jumping into a thing where there are two hills facing each other and the first jumper to the middle wins?
89' - What am I doing with my life?
90' - #Nigh
90'+ - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE CAT HUGGING A MONKEY]

COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Bright season dimmed

All you have to do is look at any MLS website comments section to realize how extra crappy this story is. Often the den of sarcastic, caustic keyboard warriors who gleefully roll around in a rival club's muck, the vast majority of commenters are sharing sympathy over a good guy's bad news.

It started with this tweet:

Worst day of my life
— Bright Dike (@bbright19) February 17, 2014

The story to emerge later this evening (yet to be officially confirmed by TFC) is that Reds' forward Bright Dike has suffered a torn Achilles tendon. The severe injury will likely wipe out Dike's entire MLS season and sadly ends his very real opportunity to go to this summer's World Cup as a member of the Nigerian squad.

This is Dike's second major leg injury in two-and-a-half-years and despite his robust physicality, may prove to be a tough road back to the pitch at any high-level. The blow is best summed up by the affable striker's five words above.

While good wishes are with Dike from across the league tonight, it won't be long before TFC will have to look at their depth chart. Dike was easily going to be the first-choice off of the bench behind Jermain Defoe and Gilberto but that role currently only sees Andrew Wiedeman as a choice. That is a choice no club with hopes of a successful season wants.

Whether The Reds opt for another loan or can swing a deal within the league, the club will likely have a new face on board in the near future. Sadly, it is a move that will be done with heavy hearts.

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Media is the message

"Happy" to answer all of your questions...

Lights! Camera! Naptime!

 

Perhaps it is a sign of a more mature club with bigger things on its mind than promo (surely not, MLSE!) but today's TFC Get Along Gang session with the media was little on news and high on meh. But that's fine. We've had it up the ying-yang in years past where the media day was one of the season's highlights. A vast majority of TFC supporters welcome their news on the pitch in 2014 rather than off.

A few "highlights" from the talking heads today. Not the band. That would have been awesome...

- Before the proceedings got underway, news travelled north from Brazil where Brazilian national coach Felipe Scolari "confirmed" that Julio Cesar would indeed be joining your Eff Cee's on loan. Former TFC fatty boom-boom Collin Samuel was heard muttering "... shit just got real"

- Joe Bendik showed a bit of frustration over the unofficial signing but reiterated his will to hone his craft under the experienced international Cesar. He also looked a bit like Mortal Kombat's "Sub Zero" in his flashy new keeper's kit. Finish him.

- Steven Caldwell believes that TFC look to be one of the best clubs in MLS.

- The Scottish also believe that a deep-fried cheeseburger is best washed down with Irn-Bru

- Kyle Bekker says "nothing less than the playoffs" acceptable this year. No word if that meant the Wilmington Hammerheads making the playoffs

- Chris Konopka is a big dude. Like mountain man big.

- 3 out of 4 dentists agree: TFC should give it 110% every match

- On closer inspection, the new goalkeeper kits are double blue. Hmm... Double blue - where have we seen that before... whaaaaaaaaa???!!!

- Doneil Henry looks like he's hit the gym this year. Plans to look like a fit giraffe running with the ball going swimmingly. Then he said some silly stuff about "liking" Rob Ford so next season maybe read a newspaper in the off-season kid.

- Good to hear that it will still be a "game of two halves" this year and there will still be the odd "good match for the neutrals"

- After a day of Julio Cesar talk, Ryan Nelsen won't confirm the signing but adds "it would be nice"

- New Zealanders also thought the song "How Bizarre" was nice.

- The head coach says that nothing has yet been decided on the status of Matias Laba nor who will be loaned down to Wilmington this year. Emery Welshman reportedly heard to say "Can we just get this over with?"

- Tim Bezbatchenko dropped some mad phat nerd rhymez such as "We're very comfortable where we are in relation to other teams right now" and "we're trying to treat our players a little different than in the past". Anselmi... you got served.

- The team plans a revolutionary tactic where "everyone plays for the badge"

- Tim Leiweke was reportedly busy photocopying his ass and faxing copies to the Philadelphia Union front office.

And... Since it was a quiet day at the microphone factory, here are 8 questions for our 8th season that frustratingly went unanswered today...

- Is Reggie Lambe an actual thing or is this a Just For Laughs Gag gone horribly wrong?

- How is the team reacting to reports that spitting full mouths of scolding tea is the latest craze on Toronto middle school playgrounds since the emergence of the Jermain Defoe commercials? Did they not think of the children?

- Is Pinball Clemons on trial with the club?

- Is it true that the fifth Olympic ring didn't open at the Sochi opening ceremonies because ex-TFC defender Maxim Usanov had punched it before the show?

- RANDOM STUPID HOCKEY ANALOGY BECAUSE THIS IS THE CANADA?

- Who does Bradley Orr plan to headbutt first?

- Do you guys crank call Kevin Payne and ask if his fridge is running?

- Is Toronto ready for this jelly?



THE WORD: TFC to hail Cesar

"Oh hey there big boy..."

There was a classic LeiwekeLeaks moment yesterday when MLSE Emperor Tim Leiweke told a private audience (some of whom had heard of Twitter and shockingly had phones) that TFC was looking at bringing in a "top 10" goalkeeper on loan. Best guesses at the likes of a Jack Butland etc. were met with a big "meh" by supporters. This morning that changed.
　
Reports on both sides of the Atlantic and even in that weird South Atlantic (what gives South Atlantic?) is that Brazilian # 1 keeper and current property of Queens Park Rangers, Julio Cesar, is headed to TFC on loan. On the surface, the reported deal is a short-term loan which would give the 34-year old Cesar a chance to get some match fitness before the World Cup - something not available to him at QPR right now. Anything beyond that would have to come down to some MLS salary funky bizniss.
　
There is a wee bit of hand-wringing in TFC circles that this move could upset the goalkeeping applecart at the club. With Stefan Frei jettisoned to Seattle, seemingly in favour of Joe Bendik, could the incumbent’s nose be put out of joint if he doesn't get to start until July? Possibly, but make no mistake, Julio Cesar is a major upgrade over Bendik who has a lot of learning to do before being considered anywhere near a top MLS keeper. A chance to train under an international with long stints at Flamengo and Inter Milan under his belt should be seen as a blessing. Et tu Bendik?
　
With Ryan Nelsen's QPR connection and TFC's sudden influence in London, this deal could be announced very soon. Whether Cesar's reign in Toronto is long or short, it definitely adds another interesting story to an already dramatic 2014. Will he come, see and conquer? Time will tell but it could be a lot of fun.
　

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Elmer packs a trunk
TFC's virulent Anti-Swiss campaign continued today as the club announced it had cruelly cut ties with superstar defender Jonas Elmer. Supporters were outraged at the news that sees a club legend dispatched so unceremoniously. How the club possibly attempts to fill the valuable minutes Elmer brought to the backline is anyone's guess.
　
Switzerland has three official languages:
Satire: satire (French) / satire (German) / satira (Italian)

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Stephen King's "Preseason"

"Florida!"

Writing match reports from the first pre-season friendly is not our usual bag but hey, big bloodied eels and all that right? Your very special edition Eff Cee's (still not avec Jermain Defoe) started the pre-season in style against divisional rivals D.C. United.

At least we think so.

For those of you who may not be as nuts as some TFC supporters, watching this match was a foggy impossibility. Here, without Vincent Price's play-by-play is the match re-cap via the internet machine...

FIRST HALF:

 

HALFTIME: D.C. UNITED 0 - TORONTO FC 0 



SECOND HALF:

 

85': GOAL: Toronto - Bright Dike. Possibly. Or a fog monster.

FULL TIME: D.C. UNITED 0 - TORONTO FC 1



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Up the Stream

Paddle joke (here)

If 80's movies have taught me anything, then the last day of camp will involve Toronto FC competing in some kind of water race aboard a homemade raft. The team nerd (Dunfield?) will have equipped it with hilarious gadgets while the gang fight to beat that mean camp of hunky jocks (Sporting KC) from across the lake. The winner gets to keep their camp and get the girl (Bitchy the Hawk) - all set to a rockin' musical montage.

Alas, life is not like the 80's - if it were, Danny Koevermans would have a sweet Chris Waddle mullet - and today is just the last kick at an alarmingly quiet pre-season camp for The Reds. Ryan Nelsen is back from dodging immigration cops and will try to put a team together out of what is arguably the thinnest First Kick roster in the club's history.

With the regurgitated promise of 3 or 4 "imminent" player signings whispered quietly beneath the bellows of new crappy beer deals and reality shows, the season has crept up on a TFC that look less prepared for a MLS season than they did in November. You're dying to hear more now aren't you? Boat Race fog-horn!!!

KICK-OFF: Nothing epitomizes TFC more than the words "Consolation Final". With the "Participation" medals ready it's time to face our SkyDome brunch guests...

BUT THEN... like a broken BETAMax tape from that aforementioned 80's film, the club announced that there would be no live stream. Thus... a combination of Twitter updates and spring break/camp film tomfoolery...

1' - Here's a starting line-up to get you PUMPED for 2013!

#TFC XI: Bendik; Eckersley, Califf, O'Dea, Davis; Lambe, Osorio, Hall, Welshman; Silva, T. Morgan.. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

5' - Good to see... er, read... Danny Califf and Darren O'Dea as the centreback duo today. If only we could combine the two. One wears a proper number (3) and the other wears proper boots (all black). Now that's a defender.

7' - Reggie Lambe loses possession when a buxom blonde's bikini-top gets attached to a nerd's radio-controlled airplane and pops off

15' - Darren O'Dea and Paolo Nagamura in a shoving match - they are actually following my script!

15' 0-0: Reds with more of the ball in the last five. Silva had a free kick cleared. O'Dea & Nagamura with strong words, shoving. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

20' - Pretty sure today's referee is that crusty college Dean!

23' - GOAL: TORONTO FC 0 - SPORTING KC 1

23' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Bieler puts KC ahead after a couple of chances by TFC at the other end. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

30' - Fans in attendance today in Orlando invited to stay after the match to meet Archie Hahn - the voice of the alien "Meathead" in 1984 blockbuster hit "Meatballs Part II"

35' - Despite no video feed, I can honestly say this is the most solid I've seen TFC play all spring

40' - Any player named "Saad" should be legally bound by MLS to play for Toronto FC

40' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Bendik with a save on Saad, shot resulting from a quick KC counter. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

HALFTIME/PANTY RAID:
TORONTO 0 - SPORTING KC 1

 

SECOND HALF: No major changes going into the final half of spring except trialist Justin Davis off for trialist Darel "The Roy G." Russell who will possibly do a Kool Moe Dee-esque rap track as the jocks, nerds, beauty queens and goths watch on dancing awkwardly

55' - Nothing much happening for the first 10 minutes so it will likely just be packaged as a montage to the soft rock stylings of Cheap Trick

57' - The "Ogre" of TFC (that one's for you "Revenge of the Nerds" fans) Darren O'Dea picks up his second caution and sees red...

57' #TFC 0-1 SKC: O'Dea picks up a second caution and the resulting red card. Reds down to 10. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

60' - TFC decide to play a game of "Look Who's Striking?"

60' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Substitution: Morgan off, Agbossoumonde on. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

70' - Tables turned on rival frat house as Danny Koevermans' "I'll Eat Your Pi for Charity" booth reveals topless pick of Terry Dunfield stuck on the bottom of every pie plate!

75' - Like the guy who has been at the college way too long - Terry Dunfield joins the race. But will he win the girl?

85' - The exciting* (*not exciting) raft race that has been TFC's pre-season is on its final stretch! Can those plucky lads win and save "Camp Shining Light" from impending doom?

89' - No.

FINAL WHISTLE: While the lack of coverage gave us the excuse to have way more fun with this match than it really was - there is no real excuse for the mess this club's roster is in a mere week before the season begins. Yes there is new management; bloated contracts; celery caps (that's it right?) and red threads needing to be bound but the squad trotted out was what we should have seen a month ago and not today.

Yes the magical "3 or 4" signings are once again "on their way" and perhaps things turn out well way down the road but not a single TFC supporter expected this paper-thin excuse for a team one week before Vancouver. The Reds are indeed "Up The Creek" and that creek has a name... and is known for not supplying paddles.

 

FULL TIME: TORONTO 0 - SPORTING KC 1



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Fring the bell?

He's the new "Grumpy Cat"



DOWN AND ALMOST OUT?
He came into camp seemingly "close" to being ready; he played for around 20 minutes in TFC's first spring friendly; he suddenly returned to Toronto for mysterious "personal reasons"; today, word is emerging that he is at least 2 months away from fitness and that even more dramatically - he may be on the verge of having his TFC career ended. Yes, it seems like the stern captain of TFC, Torsten Frings, could very well be at the final exit of his Canadian autobahn.

If the once-brilliant midfield general isn't likely to play a role for TFC until May or June it is safe to assume that Kevin Payne (if he isn't still missing) will do what he can to end the German's DP contract before the beginning of the regular season. It would be a sad end for a classy player and not the way Reds supporters would have wanted him to go out but a cold and calculated move may be what offers TFC the best manoeuvrability going forward. If the end of Frings really is nigh, Toronto fans can be comforted that one of the best midfielders of the last 20 years played here, but saddened that we never saw him close to his best. More to surely come.
　
THE LOAN ARRANGER?
Does Kevin Payne want to buy your gold, silver and unwanted jewellery? No. But, he may be trying to pad out the paper-thin roster with a couple of loan signings just a week before the season begins. The woefully attack-free Reds possibly have their non-transfer eyeballs on two attackers - QPR-product Hogan "The Raisinballs" Ephraim and Honduran, Romell "The Latino Fox" Quioto.
　
The Ephraim rumour was started when the player himself hashtagged the word #Toronto on his Twitter account and seemed to engage in a little football career talk with a friend. It could however have some extra legs due to his QPRness which he shares with TFC's new manager Ryan Nelsen.

#Toronto
— Hogan Ephraim (@HoganEphraim) February 21, 2013

If simply hashtagging something makes it happen, here goes: #SexyBillionaireAstronaut
　
The Quioto re-rumour is not the first time that his name has been attached to Toronto this spring. The update, appearing in Central American football press, may be nothing more than the ramblings of C.D. Vida President and professional hint-dropper Carla Dip who seems to think that transfers are completed by announcing them on Honduran internet machines.
　
THIS $12 BUD'S FOR YOU
Terrible beer news: have you hated paying through the nose at BMO Field for stale Carlsberg for the last six years? Not to fear, even staler-er Budweiser will now be on tap instead! Marf. (Mouth + Barf = Marf) This original deal was worked out last autumn but has been expanded to incorporate a whole spectrum of annoying promotions. To poorly paraphrase Monty Python: "Why is drinking a pint at BMO Field like sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water"

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Trials. Tribulations.

Honestly... we CAN handle some strikers.



A SPORTING DISPLAY
Toronto FC continued their "preparation" for the regular season today with a scrimmage against home opener opponents Sporting KC down in the tropical wilds of Central Florida. On paper, the 3-3 result doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world but considering that only four of the starting eleven are actually signed to the club probably says much about how far along things are. Today's Reds were too distant from a real version of the team to be happy or sad about the state of things but at the very least.... they managed to score a few goals. The fact that the goals came from two unsigned youngsters (Ashton Bennett (2) and Jonathan Osorio) is best left unsaid.
　
ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER TRIAL
It wouldn't be a day at TFC camp without another trialist that isn't a striker joining the club. The latest body to join Camp Shining Light (for at least a few days) is San Jose Earthquakes cast-off Jake "Horton Hears a" Hustedt. Guess what guys? He's a defender! You're downright flabbergasted aren't you?

#TFC training update: defender Jake Hustedt has been added to the preseason squad on trial. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 20, 2013

So another day passes in TFC's quest to avoid signing anyone who can score a goal while collecting trialists Panini Sticker-stylee. Who knows, maybe things really are going on behind the scenes (Yes, let’s say that while rocking in a corner) but TFC must have taken an Extra Strength Tylenol because it seems like Payne has disappeared. The President who was a quote machine since November has not been heard of much lately while Earl Cochrane speaks to the media, Fran O'Leary manages the team and Jimmy Brennan's pals are stopping by to go on trial. Here's hoping Kevin Payne is busy somewhere getting those strikers and wingers signed and not in Brazil on a scouting trip with Mo Johnston. Culture change etc. TBA

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Smell you later

Backwards hat? Check. Fluent German? Sure. Why not?

 

Those of you who are regulars here (Pete, Steve - how's the wife?) know that we are physically, dare I say spiritually, unable to pass up the opportunity to "Fresh'n" up the site when we face Philadelphia. We just can't seem to resist the temptation to honour the City of Brotherly Love's greatest ever citizen who was in fact born, and yes, raised there. In fact... on the playground is indeed where he spent the majority of his days.

However, this site is first and foremost a kafka-esque playhouse of football-related malarkey- serious sports news outlet, so we must mesh the pressing stories surrounding Toronto FC with this aforementioned spiritual journey/Carlton. With that in mind we present you with a topical tome, followed by some-nonsense hard-hitting sports analysis on Philadelphia v Toronto live from O-Town, FLA.

"The Fresh Frings of Werd-air"

Now this ist die story all about how
Meine life got flipped, turned upside down
Und I'd like to take ein minute just wait und see
I'll tell you how my contract ends at Toronto FC

At Werder Bremen is where I played
In Weserstadion where I spent most of meine days
Cap back, tattooed und looking quite mean
Shooting der free kicks in a kit dass was green
When a couple of guys, Winter und de Klerk
Started making offers for some new kind of work
I got on one little flight und joined a club that's a mess
And said "I'll finish meine career in der M.L und S."

I played at der BMO for nearly two years
We barely won a match und could hear der fans jeer
Injured und older but still mit long hair
I played out last season under Paul Marin-air!

I pulled up in Orlando, saw a squad not-so-great
Und I told Payne und Nelly "Yo, homes smell you later!"
Look at my hip, it does not have one more season
It's time to go home, just say "personal reasons..."

Now to the business at hand, if your hand is in Orlando or on your computer's mouse. Those striker-phobic Reds face Union in what is possibly their final Mickey Mouse Cup match of 2013. Just for shiggles, TFC ended the trial of Argentine winger Nicolas Cabrera but added two new trilaists with even less pedigree. Joining the club is Norwegian/NCAA defensive "prospect" Henrik "Norwegian Nickname" Robstad whose claim to fame is leaving school and being cut at San Jose Earthquakes camp; and, sometime Canadian international central midfielder - and most recent superstar of the German third tier - Jonathan Beaulieu-"Beef"-Bourgault. Well... colour us... um... perplexed.

 

Meanwhile, TFC management's quest "southwards" (no doubt scouting for all positions except forwards) must have gone past South America, over the South Pole and is headed back towards Canada. You're on the clock Greenland League players. To the "action"...

 

KICK-OFF: Sound and vision intact on a very blustery Disney day. If Daffy Duck wore trousers they would have blown off

5' - Trialist getting a chance today with Taylor Morgan and Ashton Bennett looking lively early on

8' - GOAL: Philadelphia - French-born Antoine Hoppenot slices through TFC defence like hot knife through brie. Tres easy.

PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

15' - Is "Up shit creek without a striker" a trademarked phrase?

20' - Emery Welshman beats his defender in the box and lays it off to open man... Jeremy Hall... do we need to write the rest?

25' - In addition to lack of anything close to finishing from TFC, physical domination by Philadelphia is not inspiring

30' - The Wide World of Sports "stadium" may be minor league but it has two things over BMO Field - a roof and a food truck named Yum Yum's

41' - GOAL: Philadelphia - So easy for Roger Torres to make his way through a TFC defence very guilty of ball-watching

PHILADELPHIA 2 - TORONTO 0

45' - If things are supposed to get better through pre-season, TFC didn't get the memo. Arguably their worst half so far this spring. Bad at both ends. Unlike a lunch from Yum Yum's.


HALFTIME: PHILADELPHIA 2 - TORONTO 0

 45' - No changes to start the 2nd Half... since the 1st Half was such a fine tuned footballing machine. Apparently.

51' - GOAL: Philadelphia - Union trialist Matt Kassel jumps all over a miserable TFC defensive clearance to put Philly up by three. Ugly.

PHILADELPHIA 3 - TORONTO 0

57' - Luis Silva with the closest thing to a scoring opportunity. And that is generous.

60' - In retrospect, watching Disney characters fight the wind would have been more fun. Looking at you Winnie The Pooh

64' - Wholesale changes for TFC as the likes of Kyle Bekker, Andrew Wiedeman and Reggie Lambe join the "battle" along with a debut for Jonathan Beaulieu-Beef-Bourgault

69' - Danny Califf and "Slappa De" Bassi on for Gale Agbossoumonde and Darren O'Dea. Why Califf and O'Dea are not working on their partnership is obviously beyond our feeble football minds

72' - The subs keep rolling (meatball for me please) as Justin Braun takes over as THE ONLY TORONTO FC STRIKER for Taylor Morgan
80' - Justin Braun with a chance. Seemed newsworthy.

85' - If TFC had an auntie and uncle in Bel-Air... they'd be on a plane by now
FINAL WHISTLE: For those of you who get their post-match wrap-up by reading this over sitting through the online stream... you're welcome. You were able to avoid watching TFC give their worst spring performance so far and resembling the worst parts of TFC 2012. Except without an actual recognized striker. Yes, we still see the silver linings of being patient and not panic buying... but c'mon. There has to be a point, when all the teams around TFC seem very able to buy players, where The Reds go out and pick up some actual reinforcements. If today's team goes into opening day, a lot of supporters with a justified lack of patience, will be extremely upset.

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 3 - TORONTO 0

And... while you sit on your throne here is Der Prinz von Bel Air... 

LETTERS FROM CAMP: It's personal...

Down for the count?

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU?
Could TFC be on the verge of breaking up with their main man a day after Valentine's Day? That would be cold - Taylor Swift dumping cold - but it was the first thought for many Reds supporters this morning when the club dropped this solemn tweet...

#TFC training update: Torsten Frings has returned to Toronto to deal with personal matters. He will continue to rehab in Toronto.
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 15, 2013

Now let's not add zwei and zwei and come up with funf just yet but Das Kapitan is obviously at the very tail end of his career and there are major question marks about his ability to play in Toronto this year. Throw in his generous salary and the fact that TFC have a couple of weeks to make any DP-slicing decisions and the whispers gather steam. Perhaps it is a completely innocent coincidence but the zungen are wagging.

FEAT. THE ROY G.
Here's an absolute left-field assumption that is admittedly without proof... have TFC invited an English journeyman, with bags of experience in the middle of the park, as an emergency back-up for an imminent hole in that area? Ok... it's a stretch but the club have invited 32-year old Cockney Darel Francis "Roy G." Russell to camp for a run about. The veteran of such clubs as Norwich, Stoke, Norwich again, Preston and Portsmouth is versatile but definitely of the "workman' model. Don't expect step overs and 360's but (some of his many) middle names are "Roy G." which sounds like a guy who is "Feat." in a rap video. So there is that. Yo.

AIR MILES

Reds' Head Coach Ryan Nelsen is headed back to England. No, he's not planning to suit up for QPR, he's headed over to close up shop on his old life and apparently scout a few players while there. No word if he has finished doing Harry Redknapp's taxes which may or may not have been part of his agreed release. When Nelsen does return in a few days he will be down a man as Matt Stinson will be out for an undetermined amount of time after getting injured against Orlando City on Wednesday. So scout away Nelly! (Psst... a striker or three please.)

 

 



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Wet World of Sports

"Raaaaar"

You coulda' had it all Adrian Heath. You coulda' been a contendah'! Yo' Adrian! Etc. Yes, a subplot of TFC's epic encounter with hometown Orlando City is how different things could be right now if "The Lions" head coach would have accepted the assistant manager's job he was reportedly offered under Paul Mariner back in the fall. This was all before Kevin Payne showed up and Operation: Blow It Up Again began but there is an alternate universe where Adrian Heath became TFC's assistant manager, then manager when Mariner was fired in June 2013, only to then become TFC's next fired manager. Likely replaced with some kind of robot. Forget it Adrian, it's O-Town.

 

Alternate universe aside, Toronto FC instead continues its quest March-bound as they trot out for their second match in the Mickey Mouse Cup. Down three trialists since last match and still awaiting the 8-14 necessary new players, The Reds will likely take a look at a lot of players still without contracts. They will also continue to wish upon a star at Disney that someone knows how to score.

 

KICK-OFF: The single tripod is ready, the Florida rain is raining and "The Fiorentina of Disney" are ready to attempt a (Sort of) giant-killing on TFC...

1' - Unless you made the trek to Florida, watching the match has been reduced to a single camcorder held by some dude named Barry (we imagine) and has no sound. Ah, the Internet. The future is now!

5' - When the ball is in Orlando's area we may as well be watching live Subbuteo

10' - Best shot at actual match analysis: Joe Bendik is closest to the camera.

15' - Orlando City actually controlling majority of possession. We are going to pretend they really are Fiorentina to avoid the shame.

25' - Yes it's preseason and the weather is awful... but yikes going forward TFC

28' - And the audio is back! It's at least Blue Square South quality now!

34' - Jeremy Hall given caution. Possibly for being Jeremy Hall

39' - Long Tam goal for Orlando denied by offside. Orlando possibly leading Toronto 40-1 in shots on goal

42' - Danny Califf almost gets his head on a TFC free kick then gets back down the field to throw his body in front of an Orlando chance. Box-to-box stuff.

45' - Referee whistles to end the half. Single camera did not catch Adrian Heath breathing a sigh of relief over NOT taking Toronto FC offer

 

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 0

45' - Changes going into the 2nd Half for TFC: Gale Agbossoumonde for Califf, Matt Stinson for "Slappa De"Bassi, Terry Dunfield for Reggie Lambe, Emery Welshman for Nicolas Cabrera, and Taylor Morgan for Justin Braun. So not much then.

47' - Rain has died and two-camera set-up back. At least Blue Square Premier level now

53' - GOAL: Toronto - Sign him up! Taylor Morgan calmly rounds the keeper after getting on the end of a Luis Silva pass.

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 1

60' - The 2nd Half Reds a bit more fun to watch going forward over their 1st half colleagues. That's not saying much though.

65' - They really have to start having preseason in places with good weather. Florida is America's big wet wang.

72' - PENALTY: Handball called against Orlando in the box. Terry Dunfield (!) steps up and slots it past the keeper easily. GOAL

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 2

73'- Tempers flair after the PK and Orlando's Adama Mbengue receives a RED CARD after punching Kyle Bekker in his fancy hair

74' - Trialist Ashton Bennett on for Luis Silva who had a solid 3/4 match

80' - Andrew Wiedeman and Jonathan Osorio come on for Kyle Bekker and Jeremy Hall

85' - Say what you like about Orlando City but they do have LegoLand as their lower back kit sponsor. That is a hot blocky tramp stamp.

86' - GOAL: Toronto - Academy project Jonathan Osorio with some very fancy footwork in traffic and a nice finish

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 3

FINAL WHISTLE: Sometimes the "match of two halves" thing is a bit of a cliche - but not tonight. First half TFC looked toothless, timid and bereft of any ideas going forward. The hungrier team introduced in the second half seemed to have far more intensity and poise when attacking. It is early but youngsters Taylor Morgan and Jonathan Osorio made it a little harder to send them home. Overall positive would be the fairly solid defensive display but the attacking options (or lack thereof) will continue to be an ongoing concern.

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 3



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Hit, kit and fit

"Goalkeepers in disguise!" Wait... wrong toy.


BY A NOSE
The bad news - Stefan Frei's noseholes are broken. The good news? Maybe The Goalblerone has gotten his annual injury out of the way early and it's smooth sailing (but not breathing) ahead. The news is official now that Frei's schnoz did in fact lose the kitchen stadium battle of Boot v Face and he will have to go under the rhinoplasty knife on Tuesday to correct it. No word whether this procedure will take place at a Walt Disney Hospital facility but he should make sure NOT to check the box that says I AGREE TO BE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN. The silver lining is that Frei didn't seem to get a concussion and that a more serious orbital bone injury was avoided. He may have to return to play with a protective mask like a modern day Bill Laimbeer or that guy from the movie Mask. Steve Maskington? That guy.
　
GET YOUR KIT OFF ON
MLS announced that they have nothing better to do will hold a week-long (actually four days, but hey) celebration of new sales opportunities with the new "Jersey Week" campaign. As originally thought, it is not an attempt to further promote New York Red Bulls nor is JWow (that's still a thing right?) signing a DP contract (Hey-oooo! Pervs.) No, Chairman Dong Grabber is throwing a festival of polyester dreams to unveil the 12 new kits that will soon be on sale to the public. TFC's home kit is of course one of these new Adidas jewels and if the leaked photos were right, the four days will be used to unveil each of the many giant maple leaves patriotically (spellcheck: patronizingly) adorning the shirt. Word is that TFC will hold its own day on February 26th where we locals can get to know the shirt up close, personal and one-on-one. No word if it will be BoGo letters on "Agbossoumonde" personalized shirts.
　
HE'S FIT BUT MY GOSH DON'T HE KNOW IT
One of TFC's training camp emphases... emphasis-is... empha... One of TFC's training camp things is to have a strong back four and newcomer Danny Califf is seen as critical to that success. Some long-suffering Eff to the Cee supporters are thus a bit worried that the burly Californian has yet to train for propers and did not appear in the opening friendly versus Columbus. Word of a lingering knee injury in post-match comments from staff did little to soothe but it appears that the injury is not of the surgical variety but rather closer to cysts on the knee that just require patience. Now you can't blame TFC supporters for fearing the worst but the man himself assures that he will be in the opening day line-up on March 2nd and if you can't trust a man with sideburns like that... who can you trust?

LETTERS FROM CAMP: The Turducken Derby - Now with 30% more next day cutting!

You gotta dig to get some yummy Trillium!

Lights! Cameras! Buffering! The boys are back in town! Okay not this town - but a town. Actually O-Town. Hey, does anyone out there remember the boy band "O-Town"? No? Okay... footballs it is then.

The pre-season kicks of for realsies in the Florida sun today as TFC face the old foe Columbus in the opening match of the concisely titled Walt Disney World Pro Soccer Classic. Of course, this would also be an unofficial Trillium Cup fixture as well right? So it's a Trillium Cup inside of a Mickey Mouse Cup inside of a pre-season. So a turducken of a match. Or a flower inside of a rodent... so the Florodent Derby perhaps. I bet FloRida is pissed.

 

KICK-OFF: Sun is shining like some kind of shining light, red threads are binding many people together but "O-Town" did not perform the national anthems. 2 out of 3 - let's footballs...
2' - Jeremy Hall with a dangerous giveaway. Mid-season form.

4' - TFC go for the "we lost our luggage" look with last year's shirts and black shorts. #fashionfauxpas

8' - TFC with zero offensive flow. Justin Braun needs to be a quicker picker upper on long passes

12' - If today is an indication of things to come then all offense will go through Luis Silva. Looks lively but only one creating any trouble for Crew

18' - REPORT: Columbus Crew's president angry after 2 of the 3 construction workers on their logo showed up to camp unfit

20' - Opposition defenders will hate Crew's Federico Higuain even more this year. Dangerous.

25' - It may be choppy but first match-TFC employing some very high pressure when Crew is on the ball causing many a turnover

25' - A hungry Danny Koevermans wants a turnover

30' - GOAL: COLUMBUS - Glauber's Brazilian head meets the business end of a corner

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

35' - Of the newcomers, trialist/academy/Uruguayan league prospect Jonathan Osorio looking fairly useful in the midfield

40' - MLS online stream announcers wondering aloud if Gale Agbossoumonde will replace Danny Califf as starting CB. This kind of high-end research is how you get a plum online stream job. That and TALK YELLING

42' - Only minutes left in the half and still no word from "O-Town". Disappointing.

44' - Stefan Frei takes a cleat to the face from Ryan Finlay and stays down. Likely won't continue. Or be as handsome. Joe Bendik subs in for Frei

45' - End of a scrappy half. TFC tactics-wise and Crew tackle-wise

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

45' - Second half gets started with Julio Cesar (non-QPR version) on for Osorio and Argentine trialist Nicolas Cabrera on for Emery Welshman. Florodent Cup still up for grabs. "O-Town" still MIA. MIA still trying to live up to "Paper Planes"

47' - News that Stefan Frei is headed to hospital. A springtime tradition

53' - Julio Cesar's facial expressions rotate between huge happy grin and "I will eat your face". Maniacal. Enjoyable.

56' - Luis Silva denied by big save. Just about the only scoring threat for The Reds at the moment. You may want to get used to that.

60' - Good first impression by Gale Agbossoumonde today. You know... Like a boss.

63' - Silva, Lambe, Braun and Hall come off for Kyle Bekker, Ashton Bennet, Taylor Morgan and Torsten Frings. Frings to babysit.

68' - Tony Tchani doing his thing for Columbus... you know... just to remind us about De Ro

70' - More subs on for TFC but most importantly new nickname heroes "Slappa De" Bassi and "Fabreezi" make their debut

81' - Terry Dunfield must have his Ultimate Warrior sock tassels on as he hits the post with a headed equalizing attempt. Close but no tassel.

84' - We're not saying this result is strange but Europol has noticed unusual betting patterns from Sport Goofy

88' - Match needs more "shining lights"

FINAL WHISTLE: A scrappy affair in TFC's springtime debut. Decent pressure off the ball, no clue creating anything that looked like an offensive tactic. Agbossoumonde, Welshman and Osorio looked promising while Lambe was invisible, Silva was snatching at chances and Frei got his annual injury. Can't help but get the feeling that the lack of a real striker will be the narrative going forward.

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

UPDATE: On Sunday afternoon the club took to the airwaves (well webwaves) to let the world know that they had cut ties with a trio of camp trialists. (Wow, Nelsen - you cut the Kiwi? That's New Zealand cold bro!) Here's hoping this heralds the entrance of three First Team worthy newcomers. Preferably of the ball-in-goal variety.

#TFC training update: Nik Robson, Jose Gomez & Joevin Jones are no longer at preseason camp in Orlando. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 10, 2013

LETTERS FROM CAMP: All together now

W Connection prepare for the season



PUTTING THE " " IN "FULL ROSTER"
So the gang's all here. Apparently. And by here we of course mean cosmopolitan Orlando, Florida. Toronto FC has released their official 30-man Florida squad and... hey... that's a... bunch of people, now isn’t it? With the "complex deal" for a player that was ready to be announced last week or early this week and the mystical "three other attacking players" seemingly vanished - The Reds instead unveiled a roster whose only surprise is in its lack of surprises.
　
Maybe we just misunderstood Kevin Payne? Perhaps the "complex deal" was to bring in one Trinidadian trialist and the "three other" players were boys from the very fringes of Canadian football/TFC Academy? That would explain it right? And explain the rising panic in TFC supporters as March 2nd hurtles towards lone striker Justin Braun backed-up on the bench by... er... Justin Braun. Phew?
　
The above mentioned trialist in camp is indeed T&T international and sometime member of W Connection (which is both a Trinidadian club and a smooth, sexy R'n'B band) Joevin Jones. The young leftback could possibly provide some cover on the left side if he proves capable - and his name translates to "Joe's Wine" - so that's a party. The three academy-ish players are relatively unknown defenders Daniel "The Breeze" Fabrizi, Derrick "Slappa De" Bassi and one-time Uruguayan club flirt Jonathan "I've Played Midfield in South America Briefly" Osario - the nickname admittedly needs work.
　
It's not all terribly horrifying and season write-offish challenging news. With the lack of the usual slew of TFC trialists (where's a Kiki Musampa when you need him?) and the absolute giant gaping hole in scoring ability, there may be an opportunity for some of the unsigned Supplemental Draft Picks to overcome some of their Supplemental Disabilities and find a spot with the first team. So yeah.... that.
Rebuilding! Shining light! Red thread etc.

UPDATE: This morning the club announced the addition of Argentine trialist Nicolas Cabrera or Nicolas Alejandro Cabrera to his friends. A 28-year old winger who has plenty of experience with big Argentine clubs such as Independiente, Velez Sarsfield and the best of all names - Newell's Old Boys. Intriguing.
　
THE LAND OF THE MIDDAY SUN
Toronto FC's website succumbed to the overwhelming pressure of TFC's broadcast partners and was forced at knifepoint* (*no knives involved) to release the club's full schedule yesterday. As not requested by any fans who have to stand on BMO Field's reflective tin surfaces, the schedule features many a midday kick-off in the middle of the summer. On the bright side - there is a good chance that you may see a spontaneous combustion included in the price of your ticket. Looking at you Richard Eckersley.
　
The wacky schedule is of course to appease the almighty television schedule because as we know, MLS TV ratings are huge! We're talking Shopping Channel huge! However, if there were no matches on television we'd all be complaining that the sport gets no coverage in Canada so double-edged swords* and all that (*no swords involved). One revelation from the released broadcast schedule was the realization that zero matches would appear on MLSE-owned GOL TV. This is good news for those who already pay enough for TSN and Sportsnet and better news for those already paying for GOL TV whose reasons for dishing out for the "specialty" channel now add up to minus four.

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Let's do lunch

"Hi SkyDome? Are you open for lunch?"



IT'S GONNA KICK OFF
We are starting to get a slightly better idea of when to tell our significant others that we won't be available for (enter lame family function here) as TFC's match kick-off times are appearing slowly. No, not on the club's website... that would just be crazy talk... but via TV schedules. TSN dropped their mad 2013 MLS science today and with it a few ideas of when to start singing "When The Reds Go Marching In". Some early season kick-offs of interest include...
　
- MARCH 2ND @ VANCOUVER 6:30PM
- MARCH 9TH VS. SPORTING KC (dans le SkyDome) 1:30PM
- MARCH 16TH @ MONTREAL 4PM
- MARCH 30TH VS LOS ANGELES 2PM
　
Also announced were a bunch of midday starts in the summer which is perfect if you enjoy turning bright red/cooking poultry live on the tin floor that is BMO Field. But really, why listen to supporters when TSN has to make space for whatever it is that channel shows when it's not football. Is summer hockey a thing? You've been warned TFC support, SPF timez - and the rest of you who show up 30 minutes late no matter what the start time, you can just burn.
　
CAMP CRUMBY
All is quiet on the southern front - Orlando, Florida... here are some crumbs you addicts...
- Doneil Henry has been brought into the Canada U-20 camp next week with a call up to the CONCACAF Championships later this month likely. Henry will thus be away from TFC until early March and if by chance Canada qualifies - will miss some time this June at the U-20 World Cup in Turkey. Gobble gobble.
- Darren O'Dea decided to concentrate on his first pre-season with TFC rather than join the Republic of Ireland who are playing in a friendly this week. O'Dea has been tapped to play a major leadership role and his time with TFC is important at this stage. He says a bunch of things in Irish here...
- He gotz the allocation moneyz at the draft. He gotz the salary capz relief after trading Hassli yo. Time for some cha-ching from Kevin Payne? Not so fast. Homeyz. (So streets right?) The president quietly warned that TFC may not have all the pieces they want before the season begins as he takes the slow and steady approach to signing players he actually wants over panic buying. That being said, the clock is ticking on Payne to "Ante Up"(see scientific video below) before fans recoil in horror at Justin Braun lining up as the lone striker. Homeyz.

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Payne management

"It's good to talk..."



With just a few days before The Reds go all snowbird and head down to Orlando ("WHOOO! SPRING BREAK!"), Kevin Payne took time away from packing his mesh "Daytona Beach '84" tank-tops to hold a round-table discussion with some members of the mainstream Toronto football media. The boss of all things Eff Cee seemed to be in "line drawn in sand" mode which may or may not be a beach metaphor. Here's a few of K-Payne's phat rhymes...
　
ON THE KIDS:
- Some TFC Academy players will be invited to join the first team down in Florida due to some early "impressive performances".
- No word if they will be allowed any beachside hijinks with locals much like in the 1983 seminal theatrical spring break opus... "Spring Break"
　
ON NEW SIGNINGS:
- TFC are "looking almost exclusively south" for new players adding that European targets are "overpriced"
- Somewhere Mikael Yourassowsky said "WTF man?!"
- Did not get into any type of financial conversation about the Greek Debt Crisis or the falling value of the Euro over the Honduran Lempira
- Club is hoping to announce new signing this week or early next week but warned "it has been a complex deal"
- Possibly related, possibly not, but definitely complex, Payne dropped that "Peralta deal is not dead"
- In addition to the above 'imminent deal' the club is also working on 3 further deals with attacking players preferably under the age of 27.
　
ON THE MONEYZ:
- Claimed that the business side of TFC was in "great shape"
- Thousands of TFC supporters rolled their eyes in unison
- Ryan Nelsen was awarded a three-year contract
　
ON FITNESS:
- "Very disappointed" that "many players showed up unfit" and that "1 or 2 were not even close to being fit"
- Sternly stated "that won't happen again"
　
ON THE DP'S:
- When asked about Torsten Frings, Payne stated "he's deserving of every opportunity to prove he can still do the job" but then quickly added that the German is not in full training yet.
- Claimed that there are "no discussions yet to buy (Frings) out"
- Journalists likely safe to put "yet" in all caps
- Payne was clear that "buying out a DP is an option". Clubs may only do this once a year if you were hoping to hear that Frings, Hassli and Koevermans were all on a bus to Pearson.
- Rather randomly dropped that "the jury is out on Hassli". Not sure what the Frenchman is charged with but it sounds ominous in a 12 Angry Men kind of way
- When asked if it was explained to him why Hassli's contract was renewed a week before he was hired, Payne paused and wryly said "No."
- Somewhere Paul Mariner's ears started to burn.
- Unsurprising to most, Danny Koevermans won't likely be ready to play until the end of June at the earliest. His form would likely be found a month or two after that.
- As if wanting to end things with a big asterisk, Payne let it be known that the 3 DP's along with Darren O'Dea and Richard Eckersley eat up a "very, very large percentage of the salary cap"... so see you this time next year?
　
IN PARTING:
- First home fixture now solidly scheduled for SkyDome on March 9 at 1:30 PM. Get your thundersticks now!
- Payne may or may not have put on mesh "Daytona Beach '84" tank-top and strapped surfboard on top of Studebaker station wagon with Florida plates and peeled out of BMO Field parking lot.