LETTERS FROM CAMP: Media is the message

"Happy" to answer all of your questions...

Lights! Camera! Naptime!

 

Perhaps it is a sign of a more mature club with bigger things on its mind than promo (surely not, MLSE!) but today's TFC Get Along Gang session with the media was little on news and high on meh. But that's fine. We've had it up the ying-yang in years past where the media day was one of the season's highlights. A vast majority of TFC supporters welcome their news on the pitch in 2014 rather than off.

A few "highlights" from the talking heads today. Not the band. That would have been awesome...

- Before the proceedings got underway, news travelled north from Brazil where Brazilian national coach Felipe Scolari "confirmed" that Julio Cesar would indeed be joining your Eff Cee's on loan. Former TFC fatty boom-boom Collin Samuel was heard muttering "... shit just got real"

- Joe Bendik showed a bit of frustration over the unofficial signing but reiterated his will to hone his craft under the experienced international Cesar. He also looked a bit like Mortal Kombat's "Sub Zero" in his flashy new keeper's kit. Finish him.

- Steven Caldwell believes that TFC look to be one of the best clubs in MLS.

- The Scottish also believe that a deep-fried cheeseburger is best washed down with Irn-Bru

- Kyle Bekker says "nothing less than the playoffs" acceptable this year. No word if that meant the Wilmington Hammerheads making the playoffs

- Chris Konopka is a big dude. Like mountain man big.

- 3 out of 4 dentists agree: TFC should give it 110% every match

- On closer inspection, the new goalkeeper kits are double blue. Hmm... Double blue - where have we seen that before... whaaaaaaaaa???!!!

- Doneil Henry looks like he's hit the gym this year. Plans to look like a fit giraffe running with the ball going swimmingly. Then he said some silly stuff about "liking" Rob Ford so next season maybe read a newspaper in the off-season kid.

- Good to hear that it will still be a "game of two halves" this year and there will still be the odd "good match for the neutrals"

- After a day of Julio Cesar talk, Ryan Nelsen won't confirm the signing but adds "it would be nice"

- New Zealanders also thought the song "How Bizarre" was nice.

- The head coach says that nothing has yet been decided on the status of Matias Laba nor who will be loaned down to Wilmington this year. Emery Welshman reportedly heard to say "Can we just get this over with?"

- Tim Bezbatchenko dropped some mad phat nerd rhymez such as "We're very comfortable where we are in relation to other teams right now" and "we're trying to treat our players a little different than in the past". Anselmi... you got served.

- The team plans a revolutionary tactic where "everyone plays for the badge"

- Tim Leiweke was reportedly busy photocopying his ass and faxing copies to the Philadelphia Union front office.

And... Since it was a quiet day at the microphone factory, here are 8 questions for our 8th season that frustratingly went unanswered today...

- Is Reggie Lambe an actual thing or is this a Just For Laughs Gag gone horribly wrong?

- How is the team reacting to reports that spitting full mouths of scolding tea is the latest craze on Toronto middle school playgrounds since the emergence of the Jermain Defoe commercials? Did they not think of the children?

- Is Pinball Clemons on trial with the club?

- Is it true that the fifth Olympic ring didn't open at the Sochi opening ceremonies because ex-TFC defender Maxim Usanov had punched it before the show?

- RANDOM STUPID HOCKEY ANALOGY BECAUSE THIS IS THE CANADA?

- Who does Bradley Orr plan to headbutt first?

- Do you guys crank call Kevin Payne and ask if his fridge is running?

- Is Toronto ready for this jelly?



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Media Day feat. Nelly feat. Supplemental (Pat Onstad Remix)

"I'll be there in February so bloody relax!"

Maybe it's getting to sound like a broken record or too much like a Kevin Payne Appreciation Society, but the low-key (in comparison with last year) TFC Media Day was refreshing. If there is one thing this club has excelled at since 2007 it is promoting circuses over bread. Perhaps putting efforts behind, oh, you know, preparing the club to play... over a flashy dog-and-pony show is a good sign.

 

Just for larfs, the club decided to schedule their Northern Belles' debutante ball at the same time as the MLS Supplemental Draft. They must be renting microphones and want to cut down on pressers. Fiscal cliff and all that. Or they like to watch the local media top out their pay-as-you-go phone cards. Either way, shiggles.
 
With the winteriest of winter days hearkening back to Winter a year ago (the man not the season) the club tried to put its best new foot forward amidst difficult questions. The Reds' staff and players prepared their finest clichés and Ryan Nelsen continued to max out his British Airways air miles points by being here live and in person. Here are a few highlights from Kiwi's Playhouse - some real, maybe some less real. And by less real, we mean probably not real. And by probably we mean maybe absolutely likely. But hey.. maybe!

 

RYAN NELSEN: Started the day by killing 50% of the criticism over his hire by announcing that he will be joining TFC full-time on February 1st; Sadly did not refer to it as "Business Time"; Asked why he joined TFC: "... the set-up, the owners, the fans - everything"; still deciding if he will rap battle the other Nelly under the moniker "The Hiphopopotomous" or "The Ryhmenocerous"

 

DANNY CALIFF: Pronounced that he was happy to leave the "circus-like" atmosphere of Chivas USA thus making TFC less circus-like than another team for the first time ever; plans to intimidate opponents with in-your-face sideburns

 

ERIC HASSLI: Asked if he was happy in Toronto and answered ".......................... yeah." Resounding! Uh huh. Later proclaimed with Gallic flourish that he is "happy and did not ask to be traded"; did most of his interviews wearing Daft Punk robot mask

 

RICHARD ECKERSLEY: Looked like a fit version of Coronation Street's "Chesney"; Stressed the need to "get the team spirit right"; may have damaged the online feed due to red balance

 

LOGAN EMORY: Disappointingly did not spend off-season growing back "The Screech"; Admitted that TFC "needed upgrades all over the field but happy that "Payne has taken the reigns"; intimidated by Danny Califf's in-your-face sideburns

 

ANDREW WIEDEMAN: Claimed he re-signed because "the club is doing good things"; Made solo drive to Toronto from California - no word if it was due to lack of volunteers; refused to proclaim the American Interstate as the best motorway in the modern era

 

JEREMY HALL: Admitted that "Ryan (Nelsen) is showing us how to defend"; Glad to see the back of Freddy Hall as there "can be only one"

 

REGGIE LAMBE: In mid-season form as he starts interview with "Didn't want to get out of bed. Had to." #passion

 

QUILLAN ROBERTS: Dude has a crazy deep voice! Deep tenor rumbles about being the 3rd keeper; Ended interview with "remember that time I scored on England?" mic drop

 

STEFAN FREI: Told everyone the good news "I feel 100%" and "the ankle is holding up real nice"; more importantly added "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!" So Swiss.

 

EMERY WELSHMAN: Seriously, we love this kid. A TFC supporter living the dream: "I love Toronto. I'm home". Pulling for him.

 

LUIS SILVA: Spent winter in Germany and was overwhelmed by the passion for the game; Still looks like a young Freddie Mercury; No further plans to brawl in bars

 

So there you have it, or sort of sometimes don't have it. Lay off us truth junkies... it's like a witch's tit today. If you'd like to follow the factual (booooo-ring) interviews, be sure to watch the frosted coating of Toronto FC TV (here) I warn you though... not much in the way of italics.

 

THE SUPPLEMENTALIST

As the media day interviews were taking place, TFC execs were busy picking over the leftover bits from SuperDraft Dinner in the MLS Supplemental Draft. The Reds used all of their selections to pick four guys who you will likely never see at BMO Field. The new additions are Jamaican-Canadian forward Ashton Bennett; American midfielder Jose Gomez; New Zealandish (go figure) midfielder Nik Robson; and, English forward Taylor Morgan. Good luck United Nations of Other Dudes... you will need it.

 

UPWARDS AND ONSTAD

A bit of other news that TFC thought they needed to add to the smorgasbord of info today was the official announcement confirming former Canadian international Pat Onstad as Chief Scout and Manager of Football Partnerships. The latter is possibly some kind of online dating thing. The Chief Scout title is a solid move as it is an area where TFC needs major re-structuring and one that as been lacking professionalism for a very long time. All apologies of course to the fine people at the Rio Hilton who used to take such good care of Mo Johnston annually.



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Lights, cameras... stability?

"Letsh have de chit-chatsh..."



It's safe to assume any TFC Media Day will be forever considered a success if the star player doesn't openly discuss going on strike. With that lofty criteria only a year old, today's meet and greet with the city's press will be considered downright cosy. Optimism, a seemingly happy squad, plans for the future and heck... even a good old fashioned signing!
　
After Aron Winter started the day off big with the announced Geovanny Caicedo signing, there weren't too many other earth-shaking developments with the only minor hiccup being the odd air surrounding the # 1 goalkeeper job. While nothing was said by any involved party that would lead one to think a decision was made, there did seem to be a slight air surrounding the topic.
　
The rest of the day went as well as any PR person would hope with players knocking home cliché answers to puffball questions when host Dan Dunleavy wasn't using hockey as a reference or extolling the virtues of that "rock" in defence Ty Harden (?!). Here are a few other highlights from the day - some real, some maybe less real. And by less real, we mean probably not real. And by probably we mean maybe absolutely likely. But hey... maybe!
　
ARON WINTER: Pretty much let it slip that Chilean defender Miguel Aceval is about to sign; Can't believe that dumb blogs are still making Winter/winter puns a year later
PAUL MARINER: Said the club had been tracking Geovanny Caicedo since the Canada vs. Ecuador friendly last summer; After landing Richard Eckersley on a free, wants to be referred to as "The Artful Mariner"
EARL COCHRANE: Stuck by his guns that the Nathan Sturgis deal may be one of the club's greatest ever trades adding "I can't remember who made the deal but it must have been some kind of Moneyball-esque genius. Genius I tells ya!"
TOM ANSELMI: No big changes or expansion at BMO Field in 2012; had to run off to prepare Golden Calf sacrifice at MLSE board meeting
BOB de KLERK: Nine promising Academy players have been invited to take part in training camp; spent the off-season working on his music and chilling with his "main dude" Dutch legend Rutger Hauer
TY HARDEN: Played much of last season on a banged up ankle; (anything written here would just be too obvious - do it yourself, jokesters)
ELBEKAY BOUCHIBA: Is actually a real person
KEITH MAKUBUYA: Shocked and dismayed fans by telling the media his name is pronounced "MA-KOO-BEE-YA"; Ruined a 10,000 "BooYah!" T-Shirt order... ass
JULIAN DE GUZMAN: Spent day answering questions about his brother and Team Canada; Went and did donuts in his Lamborghini in the ACC's garage
TERRY DUNFIELD: Is trying to bring the 1920's Austrian gentleman's moustache back to football (note lack of italics... it's for realz! See video non-believers)
JIMMY BRENNAN: Learned to do that cool leaf design thing on the foam of a latte in off-season
ADRIAN CANN: Could be ready to suit-up as early as the MLS season opener; His cosmetic surgery ACL scars are healing nicely
JOAO PLATA: Reconfirmed that all his interviews look like Dennis Waterman from Little Britain
REGGIE LAMBE: Stormed off set claiming that "Pork makes a poor excuse for a chop"
DANNY KOEVERMANS: Spent off-season at home playing a strange nerd game; Had a bit of an old grumpy man moment when asked if he was on Twitter or Facebook; screamed at those damn kids to get of his lawn
STEFAN FREI: Looked the picture of uncomfortable when asked about his TFC future
GEOVANNY CAICEDO: When asked about nickname "The Spoon" told translator that it was because "he gets ladeez digits by the ladle-full"
TORSTEN FRINGS: Missed the entire day trying to get his ballcap to sit perfectly backwards
　
So there you have it, or sort of sometimes don't have it. Lay off me sticklers for the truth... Juan Epstein died today. If you'd like to follow the factual (booooo-ring) interviews, be sure to watch the creamy goodness of Toronto FC TV (here). I warn you though... not much in the way of italics.