LETTERS FROM CAMP: Put some Philly on it

Dr. Phil?

Pre-season isn't just for players you know. Us hard-hitting investigative journalists/punmonkeys need to get ready for this season as well. So, while our Eff Cee's took on the Union down in Orlando, we decided to multitask and host a Q&A with some of Philadelphia's leading personalities about the upcoming season...

THE YORKIES: There was a brief war of words between the front offices of TFC and Philadelphia Union, do you see this stoking a greater rivalry between the two clubs?

ROCKY BALBOA - EX-HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER: "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"

THE YORKIES: Union have been in a building mode for the last few seasons, has the reason for the lack of silverware been a tactical issue or is there something else holding the club back?

THE FRESH PRINCE - MUSICIAN/TRAVELLER: "Parents just don't understand."

THE YORKIES: TFC have made some major signings this year. Who do you see having the most significant impact in 2014?

HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE - LOCAL STORYTELLER/DOCTOR: "You seeeeee, let me tell you about the soccerrr and the balls in whatchamacallit! The pudding pops! Mmmmmmm!" (Rolled his eyes for 30-40 seconds) "Theoooooo!"

THE YORKIES: Are American fans upset at Michael Bradley signing with Toronto over an American destination?

A CHEESESTEAK - LOCAL SANDWICH/HERO: "Squoooooge, slrrrrrrplop"

THE YORKIES: Do you feel that the 4-4-2 as often played by both TFC and Union is an outdated tactic in the modern football environment?

THE PHILLIE PHANATIC - SPORTS PERSONALITY/GREEN: "HOOOOONK!!!"

THE YORKIES: Care to elaborate?

THE PHILLIE PHANATIC: "Honk. Honk honk. HOOOOONK!"

THE YORKIES: How close do you think Philadelphia and Toronto will be in the Eastern Conference playoff picture?

IVAN DRAGO - INTERNATIONAL SPORTSMAN: "To the end."

THE YORKIES: Interesting. Which club has a better chance?

IVAN DRAGO: "You will lose."

THE YORKIES: Thank you for your time today.

IVAN DRAGO: "I must break you."

THE YORKIES: Oh. I see. We'll be off then.

THE YORKIES: Is there a player we should be looking at to have a breakthrough season with Union in 2014?

MUSHMOUTH - FORMER 'COSBY KIDS' GANG MEMBER/COMMUNITY ACTIVIST: "Hubbudah bubba, hubba wubba. Dubbubbudah.. Also watch out for hubbubbudah."

THE YORKIES: What impact do you think the World Cup break will have on the performance levels and chemistry of MLS clubs this summer?

PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE - SPREAD: "Fllllllrrrrppppthh."

We thank our colleagues in the Philadelphia sporting scene for these illuminating insights.

FINAL: PHILADELPHIA 0 - TORONTO 0



THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC Disney films

The De Rosario and Hscanovics of underwater cheque signings

 

If you can't beat em', join 'em. If you can only manage a draw, hell why not join 'em as well. It seems as if options for MLS springtime friendlies are a choice between a trip to Disney World or playing Russian Roulette with sunstroke in Arizona. To be fair, sunstroke has shorter lines and less kids. Regardless, TFC now use the mecca of family entertainment and the Disney "Classic" as their annual tune-up which has given them some ideas. Hot off the heels of their "All For One" show, The Reds are ready to challenge Disney for the cinema dollar with these adorable titles...

11. "Finding DeRo"

10. "Who Framed Aron Winter?"

9. "Frozen: Opening Day at BMO Field"

8. "Defoe's Night & The Seven WAGS"

7. "Swiss Family Carl Robinson"

6. "Bitchy and The Tramp"

5. "Alice In Wiederman"

4. "Honey, I Blew My ACL"

3. "Operation Argo Drop"

2. "101 Transactions"

1. "PiMocchio"

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Don't get Goofy

 

Yes it all had a familiar look. Yes it all ended in a familiar way. However, let's only start panicking if we get to May and the likes of Andrew Wiedeman, Reggie Lambe and a handful of youngsters are in the starting eleven. Until then, this match is about as important as the following fixture...



ORLANDO CITY 1 - TORONTO FC 1

If TFC looks this way in two months time then you have full permission to act as Goofy as needed.

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Crew vs. Latvia

It's a funny thing living in Canada and not really being all that much of an iced hockey fan. Attitudes toward my kind range from social pariah, to traitor to the nation and on to suspiciously extraterrestrial. But it's true and it’s what sees me as one of seven Canadian citizens ignoring Canada vs Latvia in Sochi and opting for TFC v Columbus Crew at the Mickey Mouse Tournament in Orlando. On the internet. Via Twitter mostly due to dodgy streams.

I lead a rich, full life.

So here it is, a friendly versus our "bitter rivals* (*closer to butter rivals) as gleaned from crap read off of social media...

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO - Space Mountain, Orlando Florida

1' - Brazilian DP Gilberto leading a strong TFC line-up from up top. Crew line-up is assumed to be wearing yellow.
5' - Michael Bradley passed to the Canadian women's bobsled team for a Gold Medal
10' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higauin from a free kick. The end is nigh.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
12' - GOAL: Columbus - Josh Williams from a corner. The end nigher. #NelsenOut #SpringtimeForSatire
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0
14' - GOAL: Toronto - Own Goal. Sport Goofy maybe? Sure. Slightly less nigh.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1
20' - Someone on Twitter's sister made thousands working from home. I should ask her how.
25' - Free @TOMayorFrod
35' - De Ro has done little to help Canada beat Latvia
40' - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE PUPPY IN A HAT]

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

45' - 2nd Half underway. A game of two halves? One for the neutrals? Givin' it 110%? All the clichés are up for grabs in Orlando!
47' - SUBS: Agbossoumonde and Wiedeman in for Caldwell and Gilberto. Tactically speaking this move is indicative of... oh who are we kidding? Wet Wiedeman gag. That's better. No more subs talk.
48' - Mighty Latvians have been brought down to Earth by plucky underdog Canadians! That one was to up my street cred. Was that good guys?
55' - FACT: Neither Arsenal nor Bayern Munich have won the Disney Soccer Classic.
61' - GOAL: COLUMBUS - Something named Adam Bedell puts TFC to the sword. Serious nigh action.
COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1
65' - [RANDOM RIGHT-WING AMERICAN POLITICAL RETWEET FROM PERSON YOU DON'T REMEMBER FOLLOWING] 70' - "Hilarious" tweets highlighting that "TFC spent $100 Million on this?" never getting old.
75' - Football men kicking footballs.
80' - What if they made ski jumping into a thing where there are two hills facing each other and the first jumper to the middle wins?
89' - What am I doing with my life?
90' - #Nigh
90'+ - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE CAT HUGGING A MONKEY]

COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Up the Stream

Paddle joke (here)

If 80's movies have taught me anything, then the last day of camp will involve Toronto FC competing in some kind of water race aboard a homemade raft. The team nerd (Dunfield?) will have equipped it with hilarious gadgets while the gang fight to beat that mean camp of hunky jocks (Sporting KC) from across the lake. The winner gets to keep their camp and get the girl (Bitchy the Hawk) - all set to a rockin' musical montage.

Alas, life is not like the 80's - if it were, Danny Koevermans would have a sweet Chris Waddle mullet - and today is just the last kick at an alarmingly quiet pre-season camp for The Reds. Ryan Nelsen is back from dodging immigration cops and will try to put a team together out of what is arguably the thinnest First Kick roster in the club's history.

With the regurgitated promise of 3 or 4 "imminent" player signings whispered quietly beneath the bellows of new crappy beer deals and reality shows, the season has crept up on a TFC that look less prepared for a MLS season than they did in November. You're dying to hear more now aren't you? Boat Race fog-horn!!!

KICK-OFF: Nothing epitomizes TFC more than the words "Consolation Final". With the "Participation" medals ready it's time to face our SkyDome brunch guests...

BUT THEN... like a broken BETAMax tape from that aforementioned 80's film, the club announced that there would be no live stream. Thus... a combination of Twitter updates and spring break/camp film tomfoolery...

1' - Here's a starting line-up to get you PUMPED for 2013!

#TFC XI: Bendik; Eckersley, Califf, O'Dea, Davis; Lambe, Osorio, Hall, Welshman; Silva, T. Morgan.. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

5' - Good to see... er, read... Danny Califf and Darren O'Dea as the centreback duo today. If only we could combine the two. One wears a proper number (3) and the other wears proper boots (all black). Now that's a defender.

7' - Reggie Lambe loses possession when a buxom blonde's bikini-top gets attached to a nerd's radio-controlled airplane and pops off

15' - Darren O'Dea and Paolo Nagamura in a shoving match - they are actually following my script!

15' 0-0: Reds with more of the ball in the last five. Silva had a free kick cleared. O'Dea & Nagamura with strong words, shoving. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

20' - Pretty sure today's referee is that crusty college Dean!

23' - GOAL: TORONTO FC 0 - SPORTING KC 1

23' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Bieler puts KC ahead after a couple of chances by TFC at the other end. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

30' - Fans in attendance today in Orlando invited to stay after the match to meet Archie Hahn - the voice of the alien "Meathead" in 1984 blockbuster hit "Meatballs Part II"

35' - Despite no video feed, I can honestly say this is the most solid I've seen TFC play all spring

40' - Any player named "Saad" should be legally bound by MLS to play for Toronto FC

40' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Bendik with a save on Saad, shot resulting from a quick KC counter. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

HALFTIME/PANTY RAID:
TORONTO 0 - SPORTING KC 1

 

SECOND HALF: No major changes going into the final half of spring except trialist Justin Davis off for trialist Darel "The Roy G." Russell who will possibly do a Kool Moe Dee-esque rap track as the jocks, nerds, beauty queens and goths watch on dancing awkwardly

55' - Nothing much happening for the first 10 minutes so it will likely just be packaged as a montage to the soft rock stylings of Cheap Trick

57' - The "Ogre" of TFC (that one's for you "Revenge of the Nerds" fans) Darren O'Dea picks up his second caution and sees red...

57' #TFC 0-1 SKC: O'Dea picks up a second caution and the resulting red card. Reds down to 10. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

60' - TFC decide to play a game of "Look Who's Striking?"

60' #TFC 0-1 SKC: Substitution: Morgan off, Agbossoumonde on. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 23, 2013

70' - Tables turned on rival frat house as Danny Koevermans' "I'll Eat Your Pi for Charity" booth reveals topless pick of Terry Dunfield stuck on the bottom of every pie plate!

75' - Like the guy who has been at the college way too long - Terry Dunfield joins the race. But will he win the girl?

85' - The exciting* (*not exciting) raft race that has been TFC's pre-season is on its final stretch! Can those plucky lads win and save "Camp Shining Light" from impending doom?

89' - No.

FINAL WHISTLE: While the lack of coverage gave us the excuse to have way more fun with this match than it really was - there is no real excuse for the mess this club's roster is in a mere week before the season begins. Yes there is new management; bloated contracts; celery caps (that's it right?) and red threads needing to be bound but the squad trotted out was what we should have seen a month ago and not today.

Yes the magical "3 or 4" signings are once again "on their way" and perhaps things turn out well way down the road but not a single TFC supporter expected this paper-thin excuse for a team one week before Vancouver. The Reds are indeed "Up The Creek" and that creek has a name... and is known for not supplying paddles.

 

FULL TIME: TORONTO 0 - SPORTING KC 1



LETTERS FROM CAMP: Smell you later

Backwards hat? Check. Fluent German? Sure. Why not?

 

Those of you who are regulars here (Pete, Steve - how's the wife?) know that we are physically, dare I say spiritually, unable to pass up the opportunity to "Fresh'n" up the site when we face Philadelphia. We just can't seem to resist the temptation to honour the City of Brotherly Love's greatest ever citizen who was in fact born, and yes, raised there. In fact... on the playground is indeed where he spent the majority of his days.

However, this site is first and foremost a kafka-esque playhouse of football-related malarkey- serious sports news outlet, so we must mesh the pressing stories surrounding Toronto FC with this aforementioned spiritual journey/Carlton. With that in mind we present you with a topical tome, followed by some-nonsense hard-hitting sports analysis on Philadelphia v Toronto live from O-Town, FLA.

"The Fresh Frings of Werd-air"

Now this ist die story all about how
Meine life got flipped, turned upside down
Und I'd like to take ein minute just wait und see
I'll tell you how my contract ends at Toronto FC

At Werder Bremen is where I played
In Weserstadion where I spent most of meine days
Cap back, tattooed und looking quite mean
Shooting der free kicks in a kit dass was green
When a couple of guys, Winter und de Klerk
Started making offers for some new kind of work
I got on one little flight und joined a club that's a mess
And said "I'll finish meine career in der M.L und S."

I played at der BMO for nearly two years
We barely won a match und could hear der fans jeer
Injured und older but still mit long hair
I played out last season under Paul Marin-air!

I pulled up in Orlando, saw a squad not-so-great
Und I told Payne und Nelly "Yo, homes smell you later!"
Look at my hip, it does not have one more season
It's time to go home, just say "personal reasons..."

Now to the business at hand, if your hand is in Orlando or on your computer's mouse. Those striker-phobic Reds face Union in what is possibly their final Mickey Mouse Cup match of 2013. Just for shiggles, TFC ended the trial of Argentine winger Nicolas Cabrera but added two new trilaists with even less pedigree. Joining the club is Norwegian/NCAA defensive "prospect" Henrik "Norwegian Nickname" Robstad whose claim to fame is leaving school and being cut at San Jose Earthquakes camp; and, sometime Canadian international central midfielder - and most recent superstar of the German third tier - Jonathan Beaulieu-"Beef"-Bourgault. Well... colour us... um... perplexed.

 

Meanwhile, TFC management's quest "southwards" (no doubt scouting for all positions except forwards) must have gone past South America, over the South Pole and is headed back towards Canada. You're on the clock Greenland League players. To the "action"...

 

KICK-OFF: Sound and vision intact on a very blustery Disney day. If Daffy Duck wore trousers they would have blown off

5' - Trialist getting a chance today with Taylor Morgan and Ashton Bennett looking lively early on

8' - GOAL: Philadelphia - French-born Antoine Hoppenot slices through TFC defence like hot knife through brie. Tres easy.

PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

15' - Is "Up shit creek without a striker" a trademarked phrase?

20' - Emery Welshman beats his defender in the box and lays it off to open man... Jeremy Hall... do we need to write the rest?

25' - In addition to lack of anything close to finishing from TFC, physical domination by Philadelphia is not inspiring

30' - The Wide World of Sports "stadium" may be minor league but it has two things over BMO Field - a roof and a food truck named Yum Yum's

41' - GOAL: Philadelphia - So easy for Roger Torres to make his way through a TFC defence very guilty of ball-watching

PHILADELPHIA 2 - TORONTO 0

45' - If things are supposed to get better through pre-season, TFC didn't get the memo. Arguably their worst half so far this spring. Bad at both ends. Unlike a lunch from Yum Yum's.


HALFTIME: PHILADELPHIA 2 - TORONTO 0

 45' - No changes to start the 2nd Half... since the 1st Half was such a fine tuned footballing machine. Apparently.

51' - GOAL: Philadelphia - Union trialist Matt Kassel jumps all over a miserable TFC defensive clearance to put Philly up by three. Ugly.

PHILADELPHIA 3 - TORONTO 0

57' - Luis Silva with the closest thing to a scoring opportunity. And that is generous.

60' - In retrospect, watching Disney characters fight the wind would have been more fun. Looking at you Winnie The Pooh

64' - Wholesale changes for TFC as the likes of Kyle Bekker, Andrew Wiedeman and Reggie Lambe join the "battle" along with a debut for Jonathan Beaulieu-Beef-Bourgault

69' - Danny Califf and "Slappa De" Bassi on for Gale Agbossoumonde and Darren O'Dea. Why Califf and O'Dea are not working on their partnership is obviously beyond our feeble football minds

72' - The subs keep rolling (meatball for me please) as Justin Braun takes over as THE ONLY TORONTO FC STRIKER for Taylor Morgan
80' - Justin Braun with a chance. Seemed newsworthy.

85' - If TFC had an auntie and uncle in Bel-Air... they'd be on a plane by now
FINAL WHISTLE: For those of you who get their post-match wrap-up by reading this over sitting through the online stream... you're welcome. You were able to avoid watching TFC give their worst spring performance so far and resembling the worst parts of TFC 2012. Except without an actual recognized striker. Yes, we still see the silver linings of being patient and not panic buying... but c'mon. There has to be a point, when all the teams around TFC seem very able to buy players, where The Reds go out and pick up some actual reinforcements. If today's team goes into opening day, a lot of supporters with a justified lack of patience, will be extremely upset.

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 3 - TORONTO 0

And... while you sit on your throne here is Der Prinz von Bel Air... 

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Wet World of Sports

"Raaaaar"

You coulda' had it all Adrian Heath. You coulda' been a contendah'! Yo' Adrian! Etc. Yes, a subplot of TFC's epic encounter with hometown Orlando City is how different things could be right now if "The Lions" head coach would have accepted the assistant manager's job he was reportedly offered under Paul Mariner back in the fall. This was all before Kevin Payne showed up and Operation: Blow It Up Again began but there is an alternate universe where Adrian Heath became TFC's assistant manager, then manager when Mariner was fired in June 2013, only to then become TFC's next fired manager. Likely replaced with some kind of robot. Forget it Adrian, it's O-Town.

 

Alternate universe aside, Toronto FC instead continues its quest March-bound as they trot out for their second match in the Mickey Mouse Cup. Down three trialists since last match and still awaiting the 8-14 necessary new players, The Reds will likely take a look at a lot of players still without contracts. They will also continue to wish upon a star at Disney that someone knows how to score.

 

KICK-OFF: The single tripod is ready, the Florida rain is raining and "The Fiorentina of Disney" are ready to attempt a (Sort of) giant-killing on TFC...

1' - Unless you made the trek to Florida, watching the match has been reduced to a single camcorder held by some dude named Barry (we imagine) and has no sound. Ah, the Internet. The future is now!

5' - When the ball is in Orlando's area we may as well be watching live Subbuteo

10' - Best shot at actual match analysis: Joe Bendik is closest to the camera.

15' - Orlando City actually controlling majority of possession. We are going to pretend they really are Fiorentina to avoid the shame.

25' - Yes it's preseason and the weather is awful... but yikes going forward TFC

28' - And the audio is back! It's at least Blue Square South quality now!

34' - Jeremy Hall given caution. Possibly for being Jeremy Hall

39' - Long Tam goal for Orlando denied by offside. Orlando possibly leading Toronto 40-1 in shots on goal

42' - Danny Califf almost gets his head on a TFC free kick then gets back down the field to throw his body in front of an Orlando chance. Box-to-box stuff.

45' - Referee whistles to end the half. Single camera did not catch Adrian Heath breathing a sigh of relief over NOT taking Toronto FC offer

 

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 0

45' - Changes going into the 2nd Half for TFC: Gale Agbossoumonde for Califf, Matt Stinson for "Slappa De"Bassi, Terry Dunfield for Reggie Lambe, Emery Welshman for Nicolas Cabrera, and Taylor Morgan for Justin Braun. So not much then.

47' - Rain has died and two-camera set-up back. At least Blue Square Premier level now

53' - GOAL: Toronto - Sign him up! Taylor Morgan calmly rounds the keeper after getting on the end of a Luis Silva pass.

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 1

60' - The 2nd Half Reds a bit more fun to watch going forward over their 1st half colleagues. That's not saying much though.

65' - They really have to start having preseason in places with good weather. Florida is America's big wet wang.

72' - PENALTY: Handball called against Orlando in the box. Terry Dunfield (!) steps up and slots it past the keeper easily. GOAL

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 2

73'- Tempers flair after the PK and Orlando's Adama Mbengue receives a RED CARD after punching Kyle Bekker in his fancy hair

74' - Trialist Ashton Bennett on for Luis Silva who had a solid 3/4 match

80' - Andrew Wiedeman and Jonathan Osorio come on for Kyle Bekker and Jeremy Hall

85' - Say what you like about Orlando City but they do have LegoLand as their lower back kit sponsor. That is a hot blocky tramp stamp.

86' - GOAL: Toronto - Academy project Jonathan Osorio with some very fancy footwork in traffic and a nice finish

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 3

FINAL WHISTLE: Sometimes the "match of two halves" thing is a bit of a cliche - but not tonight. First half TFC looked toothless, timid and bereft of any ideas going forward. The hungrier team introduced in the second half seemed to have far more intensity and poise when attacking. It is early but youngsters Taylor Morgan and Jonathan Osorio made it a little harder to send them home. Overall positive would be the fairly solid defensive display but the attacking options (or lack thereof) will continue to be an ongoing concern.

ORLANDO 0 - TORONTO 3



THE STARTING 11: Advantages to holding training camp at Walt Disney World

The striker crisis is solved!



Why were Toronto FC so horrible last year? Ask some returning players (and some ex-members of staff) and the answer is simple: a terrible 2012 pre-season. Yes that was obviously the issue. Obviously. Well nothing to fear - the new TFC hierarchy has answered the call by er... returning to Disney World for the Mickey Mouse Cup and um... scheduling fewer matches. Ok
　
11. Stefan Frei's broken nose protection to be adorable cartoon mouse nose from gift shop
　
10. The "Hall of Presidents" display is nearly as long as Toronto FC's "Hall of Managers"
　
9. The staff at "It's a Small World" attraction provided strong competition to Real Salt Lake during the Joao Plata trade negotiations
　
8. There's a good chance that Never Land and the Modern Era are the same thing
　
7. The Teacups makes for a convenient treadmill replacement
　
6. "The Pirates of the Caribbean" ride is full of potential Bermudian and Trinidadian trialists
　
5. The handy betting syndicate at Epcot's Singapore Pavilion
　
4. "The Country Bear Jamboree" does a really hot dubstep version of "The Dichio Song"
　
3. Sport Goofy does not take up an international roster spot
　
2. It's comforting to spend time at a place where "Mickey Mouse organization" is not used as an insult
　
1. Bitchy The Hawk and Daffy Duck are totally doing it

LETTERS FROM CAMP: The Turducken Derby - Now with 30% more next day cutting!

You gotta dig to get some yummy Trillium!

Lights! Cameras! Buffering! The boys are back in town! Okay not this town - but a town. Actually O-Town. Hey, does anyone out there remember the boy band "O-Town"? No? Okay... footballs it is then.

The pre-season kicks of for realsies in the Florida sun today as TFC face the old foe Columbus in the opening match of the concisely titled Walt Disney World Pro Soccer Classic. Of course, this would also be an unofficial Trillium Cup fixture as well right? So it's a Trillium Cup inside of a Mickey Mouse Cup inside of a pre-season. So a turducken of a match. Or a flower inside of a rodent... so the Florodent Derby perhaps. I bet FloRida is pissed.

 

KICK-OFF: Sun is shining like some kind of shining light, red threads are binding many people together but "O-Town" did not perform the national anthems. 2 out of 3 - let's footballs...
2' - Jeremy Hall with a dangerous giveaway. Mid-season form.

4' - TFC go for the "we lost our luggage" look with last year's shirts and black shorts. #fashionfauxpas

8' - TFC with zero offensive flow. Justin Braun needs to be a quicker picker upper on long passes

12' - If today is an indication of things to come then all offense will go through Luis Silva. Looks lively but only one creating any trouble for Crew

18' - REPORT: Columbus Crew's president angry after 2 of the 3 construction workers on their logo showed up to camp unfit

20' - Opposition defenders will hate Crew's Federico Higuain even more this year. Dangerous.

25' - It may be choppy but first match-TFC employing some very high pressure when Crew is on the ball causing many a turnover

25' - A hungry Danny Koevermans wants a turnover

30' - GOAL: COLUMBUS - Glauber's Brazilian head meets the business end of a corner

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

35' - Of the newcomers, trialist/academy/Uruguayan league prospect Jonathan Osorio looking fairly useful in the midfield

40' - MLS online stream announcers wondering aloud if Gale Agbossoumonde will replace Danny Califf as starting CB. This kind of high-end research is how you get a plum online stream job. That and TALK YELLING

42' - Only minutes left in the half and still no word from "O-Town". Disappointing.

44' - Stefan Frei takes a cleat to the face from Ryan Finlay and stays down. Likely won't continue. Or be as handsome. Joe Bendik subs in for Frei

45' - End of a scrappy half. TFC tactics-wise and Crew tackle-wise

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

45' - Second half gets started with Julio Cesar (non-QPR version) on for Osorio and Argentine trialist Nicolas Cabrera on for Emery Welshman. Florodent Cup still up for grabs. "O-Town" still MIA. MIA still trying to live up to "Paper Planes"

47' - News that Stefan Frei is headed to hospital. A springtime tradition

53' - Julio Cesar's facial expressions rotate between huge happy grin and "I will eat your face". Maniacal. Enjoyable.

56' - Luis Silva denied by big save. Just about the only scoring threat for The Reds at the moment. You may want to get used to that.

60' - Good first impression by Gale Agbossoumonde today. You know... Like a boss.

63' - Silva, Lambe, Braun and Hall come off for Kyle Bekker, Ashton Bennet, Taylor Morgan and Torsten Frings. Frings to babysit.

68' - Tony Tchani doing his thing for Columbus... you know... just to remind us about De Ro

70' - More subs on for TFC but most importantly new nickname heroes "Slappa De" Bassi and "Fabreezi" make their debut

81' - Terry Dunfield must have his Ultimate Warrior sock tassels on as he hits the post with a headed equalizing attempt. Close but no tassel.

84' - We're not saying this result is strange but Europol has noticed unusual betting patterns from Sport Goofy

88' - Match needs more "shining lights"

FINAL WHISTLE: A scrappy affair in TFC's springtime debut. Decent pressure off the ball, no clue creating anything that looked like an offensive tactic. Agbossoumonde, Welshman and Osorio looked promising while Lambe was invisible, Silva was snatching at chances and Frei got his annual injury. Can't help but get the feeling that the lack of a real striker will be the narrative going forward.

COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0

UPDATE: On Sunday afternoon the club took to the airwaves (well webwaves) to let the world know that they had cut ties with a trio of camp trialists. (Wow, Nelsen - you cut the Kiwi? That's New Zealand cold bro!) Here's hoping this heralds the entrance of three First Team worthy newcomers. Preferably of the ball-in-goal variety.

#TFC training update: Nik Robson, Jose Gomez & Joevin Jones are no longer at preseason camp in Orlando. #TFClive
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) February 10, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Side effects of Toronto FC's youthful squad at Disney

I said "TFC" not "BSC"!



Everyone felt warm and fuzzy after Saturday night's "loss" to Vancouver Whitecaps at The Mickey Mouse Cup. Except maybe the Whitecaps. Yes they got a trophy but it was on the back of barely beating a team of teens, trialists and Nick Soolsma. Hard to lift a trophy proudly when you just traded shirts with a 15-year old. The young squad was a sign that TFC's commitment to its Academy program may soon start bearing fruit but it's not always easy to field such a young group of Reds...
　
11. Had to stock the team fridge with tons of chocolate milk in case they needed to drink something out of the trophy
　
10. Always wearing their shorts too low and baggy
　
9. Two players benched after Friday night bender of eating cotton candy and riding Disney World's "Teacups" ride until they were sick
　
8. A sudden push to re-brand club "Young Boys Toronto"
　
7. Players instinctively trying to press "X" button whenever they get close to goal
　
6. Team always having to share practice facilities with 4-year olds from "Timbits Soccer"
　
5. Long distance phone bills skyrocketing from Danny Dichio's insistence that he reads every player a story before bedtime
　
4. Second half was played with such ferocity as 10PM curfew was getting close
　
3. Defensive markings often missed as players stop during run of play to text their girlfriends
　
2. Coach Jason Bent forced to switch tactical gameday videos with re-runs of DeGrassi
　
1. Ugly child abuse accusations being hurled at Whitecaps

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Whitecaps steal kids’ prize at Disney World

Hungry, forceful teens

This was what the whole Total Football revolution was all about. Just over a year since Aron Winter and Co. took over Toronto FC, the club is in the finals of a prestigious rodent-based tournament. So excited for tonight's final against Vancouver are Toronto FC that they packed up 99% of the first team squad and came home to Hogtown yesterday. 

In all seriousness, Winter has done the right thing in not risking injury to any starters only four days before the big CCL matchup against David Beckham's junk. But, haters gonna hate and some grumpy types will be displeased that TFC is leaving The Mickey Mouse title in the hands of their Academy... and Nick Soolsma... but they'd be grumpier if a Torsten Frings twisted a knee for a useless trophy and missed Wednesday night. So, it's up to the kids to be alright... it's Tiny Talent Time!

1’ - The online feed finally comes to life with rumours that TSN asked the game to be played on ice before broadcasting it. It’s TFC’s kids (and Soolsma) vs. those pot smokin’ hippies.

7’ - TFC Kid Jay Chapman artfully stymies an Eric Hassli run much to the moody Cap’s dismay/embarrassment

10’ - Vancouver’s generic Brazilian, Camilo, slices through TFC’s Junior Defence and roofs the ball over young GK Quillan Roberts. TORONTO 0 - VANCOUVER 1

20’ - TFC Kids doing their best to hold off the much bigger (and professional) Caps squad. Some frantic defending but not bad considering the general difference in pedigree

26’ - Caps’ 2nd overall SuperDraft pick Darren Mattocks fouled Oscar Cordon from behind… possibly because he felt Cordon was behind him not being drafted 1st overall

30’ - Feels creepy having our young players being forced to shoot on Vancouver GK/adult film star "Joe Cannon"

35’ - Whitecaps suddenly having trouble dominating a CSL team

40’ - ESPN3’s announcers warn viewers for the second time that you will be mobbed by fans if you are near Vancouver’s Korean defender Lee Young-Pyo. Fine! Brunch is off Young-Pyo - get your waffles and KimChee somewhere else.

45’ - Reds go close to tying the game but Joe Cannon got his filthy hands all over their balls. A quality half from what is pretty much TFC Academy with good displays from Moises Orozco (P. Coltrane), Keith "Don’t Call Me BooYah" Makubuya and Quillan "Is Serial Quillan Inappropriate?" Roberts

TORONTO 0 - VANCOUVER 1

47’ - TFC Kids have come out in the second half full of piss and milk and cookies. Want it more than Whitecaps in the early going

54’ - Eric Hassli limps off with a knock - the best advertisement for TFC’s decision not to play any First Team starters tonight

58’ - TFC Kids have had a downright dominant few minutes with Efrain Burgos Jr. getting a close chance on goal

60’ - TFC sub on the highly touted Stefan Vukovic and the outrageously young Josh Hamilton - a 15-year old. Even if Whitecaps win… they beat a team with a 15-year old.

63’ - Three agonizing near-misses for TFC’s Teen Hunger Force in 15 seconds. Deserved.

74’ - "It’s a Small World After All" would be a great chant by the TFC supporters in Florida right about now

76’ - Quillan Roberts tries to "pull an England" by booming a goal kick the length of the field. Composed night for the young keeper who could be headed towards a pro contract.

82’ - If coach Jason Bent doesn’t allow these kids to stay up late tonight, eat cotton candy and ride Space Mountain then there is no justice

85’ - Vancouver can have The Mickey Mouse Cup… we’ll keep the Voyageurs Cup thanks.

90’ - In the end, an insignificant friendly doesn’t mean too much. Vancouver won’t be happy that they couldn’t put the sword to a team full of teens and trialists while supporters of TFC can feel a little warm and fuzzy about the Academy. The best result for TFC? A rested starting 11 for Wednesday… when the real fun begins.

TORONTO 0 - VANCOUVER 1

LETTERS FROM CAMP: "Can we play you, can we play you, can we play you every week?"

Dallatasaray - Pride of Turkxas



It's the final group stage match at The Mickey Mouse Cup for Toronto FC but also their first preseason match against a MLS club. Tonight's tilt sees The Reds face off against the team that gave TFC something to look forward to over winter - FC Dallas. As you remember, The Hoops folded like a cheap shirt in the final Champions League Group Stage match last autumn, paving the way for TFC to head to the quarterfinals against Davy Knickers and The Boyz at SkyDome next week. The least The Reds could do is let Dallas have first place at Disney. With that in mind... Ty harden starts tonight... to the pitch for equally useful highlights!

- Mickey Mouse delivers the game ball to the refs in what appears to be a Sheffield Wednesday kit. Who knew Mickey ups The Owls?
1' - Reds go for the "Triangle" offence by opting for Reggie Lambe over Ryan Johnson just before kick-off
7' - Unfair advantage for FC Dallas - warm weather and a stadium with less than 300 people in attendance... exactly like mid-season at Pizza Hut Park
12' - Bob de Klerk insanely yelling instructions at Ty Harden before a Dallas set piece. The X-Rated pictures Harden must have of TFC management must be damning. No other explanation.
19' - Nothing but love for Milos Kocic but Stefan Frei is undoubtedly the # 1
21' - After 20 minutes Joao Plata offers the first hint of TFC offence. Disjointed.
26' - Reggie Lambe makes his first good run in 3 matches. Still undercooked.
32' - By no means have TFC been pretty but the mlssoccer.com announcers would have nicer things to say about the Hitler Select XI at the Mussolini Testimonial Match
35' - Out of absolutely nothing Luis Silva goes Route 1 and plows through FC Dallas' defence and pushes the ball past The Hoops' keeper. TORONTO FC 1 - FC DALLAS 0
37' - Lambe gets chopped (thank you) by FCD keeper and deserves a PK but minor league ref gives him a yellow for diving instead. Sport Goofy officiating.
39' - Did "Master of The Draft" Mo Johnston pick Luis Silva? The rookie makes it two by pouncing on a loose ball and firing it into goal. TORONTO FC 2 - FC DALLAS 0
45' - Reds dominant after waking up in the last 15 minutes but need to bring that at 0:01 against Los Angeles

TORONTO FC 2 - FC DALLAS 0

48' - Miguel Aceval establishing himself as the anchor of TFC's central defence
52' - mlssoccer.com announcers trying to make nicknames for Luis Silva... umm do they not read us and Waking The Red? Helloooooo? "Silva Bullet"?
60' - Ashtone Morgan leaves the match for trialist Kevin Huezo. Morgan has been very solid in all three preseason matches
65' - TFC Academy director Thomas Rongen's finds of Kevin Huezo and Moises Orozco making decent arguments for full contracts
70' - Everybody out of the pool. Only Terry Dunfield remains from starting eleven.
78' - The kids are alright as TFC's youth grinding down FCD's youth
81' - After 5 years, Toronto FC may have finally found the key to making playoff rounds - always finish off by playing Dallas
83' - Ryan Johnson giving hope that TFC has two capable strikers with a calmly placed finish to put The Reds up by three. TORONTO FC 3 - FC DALLAS 0
88' - MLS announcers struggling to find something nice to say about TFC despite a 3-0 lead
90'- Promising signs after the first half hour as TFC now gets ready to play The Mickey Mouse Final on Saturday night against those pot smoking hippies - Vancouver Whitecaps

TORONTO FC 3 - FC DALLAS 0

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Reds serve up a BK whopper

Footballs? Pancakes? Boobies?

With just a week to go before "The Biggest Game In TFC History" (TM), The Reds continue in the group stage of The Mickey Mouse Cup. Tonight's opponent are Swedish also-rans BK Hacken of the Allsvenskan, marking the second time Toronto faces "The Hedge" in its history. It also marks a rare chance to trot out every Swedish stereotype and pun we can muster as we follow the match. IKEA allen keys at the ready... let's play meatball... er, football...

- The always fun MLS online stream kicks in just as "O Canada" starts up, leaving those watching back in Sweden angry that their anthem was muted. Sorry for the racism you three.

2' - Ty Harden back in the line-up tonight. He is the IKEA "Billy" bookcase of defenders. It does in a pinch but you know you need something better.

8' - Milos Kocic getting a chance to claim the # 1 spot tonight. BK Hacken doing their best early to give him practice. One way traffic - Volvo traffic - so far.

11' - I know this is coming from Disney World but does the cameraman have to be sitting on The Teacups ride? Online nausea.

14' - BK Hacken yellow card as Ashtone Morgan takes boot to the face. Dirty Viking.

18' - Torsten Frings playing in the conservative old sweeper role. Assumed that the off-season defensive makeover would fix that. Nope. Perhaps an aforementioned bookcase the reason.

23' - Miguel Aceval slams a Swede into the ground. Yellow card. Wussy non-Viking.

33' - MLS commentator quote of the match: "Free kick to the team on foreign soil..." mlssoccer.com may need an atlas.

35' - Frings cracks the woodwork from a long-distance free kick - Ryan Johnson caught offside trying to put in the rebound

44' - After sustained pressure, Luis Silva dummies a pass across Hacken's goal which Ryan Johnson slots home easily. TORONTO FC 1 - BK HACKEN 0

45'+ - Wondering if the Swedish Chef knows how to make a halftime Herring Butty

　

TORONTO FC 1 - BK HACKEN 0

47' - Lingenberries were a bad idea.

52' - Danny Koevermans picking up a minor knock for the second game in a row

54' - Eric Avila, Koevermans and Reggie Lambe all miss putting TFC up by two

57' - A very dodgy penalty decision gives Hacken's Drugge the chance to level the match with a PK which he does with ease. TORONTO FC 1 - BK HACKEN 1

62' - Hour into the match and not a hint of a Swedish Bikini Team

67' - Removing Harden in the second half allowing Frings to play his most useful role in the centre of the park. Just saying.

70' - Second half much like Sweden's most hilarious comedy film... not funny.

73' - Kocic has shown more rust tonight than Stefan Frei did against Orlando City

77' - BK Hacken coaches yelling random "jorgi, borgi borgi, djunp dorp, dorp dorp dorp" at players. It's such a romantic language.

85' - Not a bad way to apply for a job as trialist Moises Orozco (P. Coltrane) scores a cracker for TFC in the midst of being fouled from behind. TORONTO FC 2 - BK HACKEN 1 (Awesome nickname courtesy of Waking The Red)

88' - Nick Soolsma has had cat scratch fever in the last 5 minutes

90' - Soolsma makes meatballs out of Hacken's defence before feeding Joao Plata a pass which the tiny dancer pops into goal. TORONTO FC 3 - BK HACKEN 1

90'+ - Back to the drawing board for Hacken. The drawing board of course being a set of IKEA instructions

　

TORONTO FC 3 - BK HACKEN 1

LETTERS FROM CAMP: "It's just a friendly after all..."

Forza Violas!

Toronto FC started their official preseason friendly schedule tonight in the group stage of the Walt Disney World Pro Soccer Classic. The opponents were none other than the local club and USL Pro Division Champions Orlando City. Since, like TFC, we are shaking off preseason rust, here are some shoddy highlights instead of a post-match report from tonight's action...

　

- Orlando City's nifty purple kits solidify their claim to fame as "The Fiorentina of Central Florida"

- TFC's new Ecuadorian defender Geovanny Caicedo looks like a complete beast... and that was just in the pre-match waiting line

- Sadly the national anthem of Disney World was ignored. Racists.

- The aforementioned Ecuadorian beast looks a little shaky on the defensive communication and gets caught crashing and banging giving Orlando a PK. John "You May Have Heard of My Brother" Rooney converts giving The Lions a lead

- No word if John Rooney can afford hairplugs on his USL salary

- After having his left foot prowess questioned by the "top-notch" MLS commentators, TFC's Miguel Aceval curls a free kick home via a deflection making it level

- Danny Koevermans taken off in precaution after a seemingly minor injury. Soolsma comes on to please fans of non-racist cats while highlighting The Reds' apparent lack of depth at striker

- Former Wolves manager Mick McCarthy in attendance at Orlando... or it's possibly The Muppets' Sam The Eagle

- Richard Eckersley is like every Englishman visiting Florida - he's sweaty, red and wearing a football shirt

- After some TFC defensive laziness, some dude on Orlando (sue me) slots it home to give The Lions the surprise lead

- Quick in reply, Das Kapitan Torsten Frings does what he has yet to do in regular season with TFC... score a goal. Level at two.

- Aron Winter celebrates the Frings goal with 7 subs at once, bringing most of TFC Academy into the match

- Stefan Frei making big save after big save. Stop wearing # 24 Stefan - you're a # 1

- "C" grades down the TFC roster apart from The Goalblerone tonight

- They may yet have been given an MLS expansion place but I'd take Orlando City over New York Cosmos II any day

　

TORONTO FC 2 - ORLANDO CITY 2

A Mickey Mouse tournament after all!

Sweet pair of Hackens!

It is one of North America's most fiercely contested, rodent-related soccer tournaments in history. FIFA ranks it in the Top 250 theme park-based football competitions of the 21st Century. Yes, it's time to get off the teacups and take the monorail over to the Walt Disney World Pro Soccer Classic. Rolls right of the tongue.

　
In its third year of existence, the "Classic" once again invites a host of clubs for a preseason tournament in the Orlando sun with the winner leaving with untold riches. Well, at least a trophy with Sport Goofy and coupons for some funnel cakes. The tournament is also Toronto FC's only competitive preseason action so we thought we'd have a quick look at the teams our Reds will face. This should help while squinting your eyes at MLS's internet feed.
　
ORLANDO CITY - February 25th, 6PM
NICKNAME: The Lions
ALTERNATE NICKNAME: The Mouseketeers
STAR PLAYER: John "Wayne's Brother" Rooney
POSSIBLE FLORIDA TRIALIST: Anyone from Epcot's Brazil pavilion
CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS: Chip 'n Dale; Scrooge McDuck; Tony Orlando (Dawn pending)
BIO: The current USL Pro Division Champions (North America's 3rd Tier) had a tremendously successful and well attended first year in Orlando after moving from Austin, Texas. Already out-drawing Tampa Bay Mutiny and Miami Fusion combined, Orlando City are making a case for future MLS consideration... or a home for D.C. United to move to when their next four stadium proposals fail.
　
BK HACKEN - February 28th, 6PM
NICKNAME: The Hedge
ALTERNATE NICKNAME: The Meatballers
STAR PLAYER: Matias Ostberg
POSSIBLE FLORIDA TRIALIST: "Steve" from IKEA Orlando
CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS: 1/4 of ABBA; extras from the Thor movie; Volvo dealers
BIO: Finally a chance to use all those saved up Swedish puns! TFC's first ever Swedish opponents are Gothenburg’s BK Hacken of the Allsvenskan Division. Mostly known for having a logo that looks like it could be half-eaten meatballs or ample, resting breasts - Hacken will no doubt offer The Reds a European-style challenge. Also, a chance to throw that leftover IKEA allen key at your computer screen.
　
FC DALLAS - March 1st, 6PM
NICKNAME: The Hoops
ALTERNATE NICKNAME: Dallatasaray
STAR PLAYER: Brek Shea
POSSIBLE FLORIDA TRIALIST: Vidal Sassoon (on Shea's insistence)
CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS: Pizza The Hut; the three dudes in their supporters' section
BIO: Ah, our old friends from Texas. Really this should be a 90 minute "Thank You" to The Hoops for bending over so ably against us in the final Champions League Group Stage Match. If it wasn't for their apathetic showing this past fall we wouldn't all be going to SkyDome in a couple of weeks!