LETTERS FROM CAMP: Crew vs. Latvia

It's a funny thing living in Canada and not really being all that much of an iced hockey fan. Attitudes toward my kind range from social pariah, to traitor to the nation and on to suspiciously extraterrestrial. But it's true and it’s what sees me as one of seven Canadian citizens ignoring Canada vs Latvia in Sochi and opting for TFC v Columbus Crew at the Mickey Mouse Tournament in Orlando. On the internet. Via Twitter mostly due to dodgy streams.

I lead a rich, full life.

So here it is, a friendly versus our "bitter rivals* (*closer to butter rivals) as gleaned from crap read off of social media...

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO - Space Mountain, Orlando Florida

1' - Brazilian DP Gilberto leading a strong TFC line-up from up top. Crew line-up is assumed to be wearing yellow.
5' - Michael Bradley passed to the Canadian women's bobsled team for a Gold Medal
10' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higauin from a free kick. The end is nigh.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
12' - GOAL: Columbus - Josh Williams from a corner. The end nigher. #NelsenOut #SpringtimeForSatire
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0
14' - GOAL: Toronto - Own Goal. Sport Goofy maybe? Sure. Slightly less nigh.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1
20' - Someone on Twitter's sister made thousands working from home. I should ask her how.
25' - Free @TOMayorFrod
35' - De Ro has done little to help Canada beat Latvia
40' - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE PUPPY IN A HAT]

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

45' - 2nd Half underway. A game of two halves? One for the neutrals? Givin' it 110%? All the clichés are up for grabs in Orlando!
47' - SUBS: Agbossoumonde and Wiedeman in for Caldwell and Gilberto. Tactically speaking this move is indicative of... oh who are we kidding? Wet Wiedeman gag. That's better. No more subs talk.
48' - Mighty Latvians have been brought down to Earth by plucky underdog Canadians! That one was to up my street cred. Was that good guys?
55' - FACT: Neither Arsenal nor Bayern Munich have won the Disney Soccer Classic.
61' - GOAL: COLUMBUS - Something named Adam Bedell puts TFC to the sword. Serious nigh action.
COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1
65' - [RANDOM RIGHT-WING AMERICAN POLITICAL RETWEET FROM PERSON YOU DON'T REMEMBER FOLLOWING] 70' - "Hilarious" tweets highlighting that "TFC spent $100 Million on this?" never getting old.
75' - Football men kicking footballs.
80' - What if they made ski jumping into a thing where there are two hills facing each other and the first jumper to the middle wins?
89' - What am I doing with my life?
90' - #Nigh
90'+ - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE CAT HUGGING A MONKEY]

COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1