THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Vancouver... Or thanks for the 8pm kick off schedule dicks

Well the later than usual kickoff on a very nice summer night blended with the incredible Saturday night game gave us the hope of three points tonight, but that was not the case.

Vancouver scored early in the second half on a counter in the 50th minute. Teibert put a wonderful ball through four red shirts, and Mattocks buried it from 6 yds out.

Toronto controlled much of the match, and were rewarded with a fairly soft penalty as Jackson went down to a Reo-Coker challenge just inside the box.  Defoe converted in the 63rd minute.

All the hard work could not get them any more than one point however.  Gilberto may be resuming service of near misses as for the second game in a row, the ball bent around the outside of the woodwork.  Not fair for the guy.

FULL TIME : TORONTO 1, VANCOUVER 1

Man of the Match : Collen Warner played very well throughout the match.

Goat of the Game : The idiot who couldn't delay the closure of Lakeshore for 2 more hours.  Well planned Mr. City person. It's not like either event was scheduled for months in advance? (same for you Johnny Schedulemaker)

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Didn't effect the match either side.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Bloom 6 [Hagglund N/A], Orr 6.5, Henry 6.5, Morrow 6, Jackson 6.5 [Gilberto N/A], Bradley 6, Warner 7, Osorio 6 [Oduro N/A], Moore 6, Defoe 6.5

@ignirtoq would like to apologize for the lack of a more detailed post however he took a spill on his way to the ground and wasn't up to being Mr. Reporter Guy. He also likes making names up for people based on the jobs they apparently have.

THE MATCHUP: Night Caps

An evening with Carl...

 

TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: TSN

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel"

MATCH FACTS* & STATS**
TORONTO FC
- Despite being third in the Eastern Conference, TFC have an alarming 35 games in hand over 2nd place Sporting Kansas City.
- Dominic Oduro averaging 8.7 slices of pepperoni pizza a week since move from Columbus, down from 2013.
- Ryan Nelsen is five wins from becoming TFC's all-time winningest manager. No, really.
- Gilberto has the same number of goals in his last two appearances as his national side of Brazil does. Prolific.
- Jermain Defoe leads the league in touches. Mostly bum and boob.
- The Reds are 7-5-2 all-time during night matches where the temperature is above 25 degrees Celsius and the other team has a manager with a strange hairline.
- It is Micronesian Heritage Night in one row of BMO Field this Wednesday.

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS FC
- Vancouver is coming into Toronto off of a home loss to Chivas USA. Just let that one sink in for a moment.
- Carl Robinson has a pre-match ritual vs. TFC which includes both smirking and snorting in Jim Brennan's direction.
- Despite lack of concrete proof, it has been accepted that Caps midfielder Pedro Morales is NOT the same Pedro Morales from 1980's WWF wrestling. Disappointing.
- Darren Mattocks currently leads MLS in "Looking Like an Effeminate Version of Predator", a category he has dominated since 2012. Reliable.
- More than 50% of Matias Laba's completed passes still legally belong to TFC.
- "Lenarduzzi'd" has been added to the 2015 Webster's Dictionary.
- 43% of Caps supporters will be high by the 20th minute.

*Maybe
**Possibly



AFTER 90: Long legged... but no beauty

Wash the stink off...

VANCOUVER VS. TORONTO (1-2 AGG.)
CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP SEMI FINAL 2ND LEG

BC PLACE

FIRST HALF:
1' - BC Place roof is open this evening. Perfect for a localized tornado strike if Vancouver grabs a lead.
4' - GOAL: Toronto - Doneil Henry. Michael Bradley long lob not handled well by young Caps keeper Father Guido Carducci, Henry chops in a juicy loose ball. Zap!
VANCOUVER 0 - TORONTO 1 (1-3)
5' - We don't need no stinkin' tornadoes!
10' - So this is the pitch that is trotted out as a good example of MLS/CFL ground sharing? I've seen better carpets in elevators.
16' - YELLOW CARD: Kyle Bekker for petulance. Red Card overdue to his barber.
19' - Reds opting for the 70 minute bunker option.
25' - Gilberto is easily one of TFC's Top 5 holding midfielders.
30' - Bradley tests Fr. Carducci from long distance forcing a big save. Nick Hagglund goes close on ensuing corner kick.
35' - Issey's Samurai hair-do > Russell Teibert's sad ManBun. No competition.
43' - GOAL: Vancouver - Erik Hurtado finishes a counter that started with one of Joe Bendik's "close your eyes and kick it as hard as possible" clearances.
VANCOUVER 1 - TORONTO 1 (2-3)
45' - The Reds close the half with what must be a solid 7% possession statistic.

HT: VANCOUVER 1 - TORONTO 1 (2-3 AGG.)

SECOND HALF:
46' - One half left and all to play for. Well the opportunity to argue with Joey Saputo on the pitch after the Final at least.
50' - How has no one made "Vancouver 86er" into an Urban Dictionary sex act yet?
57' - YELLOW CARD: Doneil being Doneil. Luckily just outside of the box with a hard tackle.
60' - TFC doing nothing but absorb pressure. It will be a shock if this ends well.
63' - Fr. Carducci stops a Gilberto one-on-one. Ol' Gil can't buy a break!
64' - SUB: Kyle Bekker OFF / Daniel Lovitz ON
65' - Matias Laba coming in for Vancouver. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself.
70' - Erik Hurtado was the bomb as Rufio in "Hook".
75' - Vintage Luke Moore this evening.
77' - TFC's 2nd Half performance can best be described as "in attendance".
79' - SUB: Ashtone Morgan OFF / Mark Bloom ON
83' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
85' - PENALTY: Doneil Henry doing a Doneil Henry on Hurtado and a GOAL for Pedro Morales
VANCOUVER 2 - TORONTO 1 (3-3 AGG.)
86' - See 60'
90'+ - Big goal mouth collision leaves Doneil Henry and Joe Bendik both laying on the turf in pain.
90'+ - 30 minutes more of this. Ugh.

EXTRA TIME:
92' - I hate you Pacific Standard Time. Eff you and your ocean.
99' - Ryan Nelsen's 2nd Half subs looking dubious. Also: his job.
105' - Half of this done. Mercy.

110' - TFC playing like they know the random madness of penalties is now their only hope at advancing
112' - De Ro tries to turn the clock back and hits the post. First Reds chance in ages.
114' - TFC should write notes for fans who have to work tomorrow.
116'- Daniel Lovitz tests Fr. Garducci forcing a big save.
120' - Oh boy. Win, lose or draw - TFC impressed few here tonight.

 

PENALTY KICKS:

TOR: Bradley Orr - GOAL
VAN: Matias Laba - GOAL
TOR: Luke Moore - GOAL
VAN: Kekuta Manneh - SAVED
TOR: Dwayne De Rosario - GOAL
VAN: Sebastian Fernandez - GOAL
TOR: Michael Bradley - GOAL
VAN: Russell Teibert - GOAL
TOR: Issey Nakajima-Farran - GOAL
VANCOUVER 4 - TORONTO 5

FT: VANCOUVER 2 - TORONTO 1 (3-3 AGG.)
TORONTO WIN 5-4 ON PENALTIES

PLAYER RATINGS:

Joe Bendik 7 / Nick Hagglund 6 / Bradley Orr 5.5 / Doneil Henry 4 / Ashtone Morgan 6 (Mark Bloom 5.5) / Issey Nakajima-Farran 6 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Kyle Bekker 5.5 (Daniel Lovitz 5.5) / Jonathan Osorio 5 / Luke Moore 5 / Gilberto 6 (Dwayne De Rosario 5)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Joe Bendik



THE MATCHUP: We've got legs... Will we know how to use them?

"BC Place? Yeah just up on the right..."

 

VANCOUVER VS. TORONTO
CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP SEMIFINAL 2ND LEG
(1-2 AGGREGATE)
BC PLACE - WEDNESDAY 10:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Don't you love Canada? Or are you a Communist?
- Will Ryan Nelsen roll the dice for a cup victory with a league fixture on the weekend?
- What wacky disaster will prevent Whitecaps from winning this year's competition?
- Will Carl Robinson really stick with his youth movement even though a 1-0 victory would see Whitecaps advance?
- Who is more Canadian - a Kiwi or a Welshman?!
- Will the USA watch in horror as Bradley goes full out on turf?
- Can lightning strike through the roof of BC Place?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel Derby" (NutCan Edition)

THE DUEL:
Their Canadians vs. Our Canadians

WHO ARE YA?
Vancouver Whitecaps are so weary of another natural disaster getting in the way of their cup run that they are working with a local company to prevent any mishaps. Despite BC Place being mostly enclosed, Whitecaps have called upon Vancouver-based yoga wear/backside accentuators Lululemon to help protect the stadium.

Lululemon has a factory full of unusable stretchy material from their "see through pants" crisis of last year which will be donated to VWFC to form a tight and sexy new tarp for the stadium in time for this match. To avoid blushes, the upper deck has been asked not to bend over in the light.
 

"Storms a brewin'"

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
MAY 15, 2011: In an act of sportsmanship, TFC faxed a 10-day weather forecast to Whitecaps manager Teitur Thordarson showing nothing but clear skies predicted for the Toronto region.



THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. Vancouver... or Robins with ADD

It's Voyageurs Cup time, which is sad because as much as I hate sponsorships, shortening the name to the NutCan was fantastical.  And calling it Stupid Pyramid Scheme Cup seems just a pinch disrespectful.

It's heady times in the Canadas as this edition has a mind-scrambling 5 clubs competing for domestic glory.  A little glad that Ottawa didn't make it out of the first round, as that takes the heat off of me for their 'mock' logo.

It's cool outside.  Minimal buggery no wait, bugs.   Toronto up against half of Vancouver's U-20 side.  Should be easy, no?

On to the match!

17 - Ball worked into box, Issey point blank,  saved by Fr. Guido Carducci

22 - tic tac to Issey,  criss to Gilberto and put it wide of post from 7 yds out. 

27 - GOAL - Gilberto slides a pretty ball springing Defoe and slides a ball past Fr. Guido Carducci.
ROBINS 1, 86ERS 0

31 - YELLOW - Bradley gets booked for a nonchalant trip

32 - Defoe gets a shot off from the left side of girl forcing Fr. Guido Carducci to make a diving save.

36 - Rey gets sent in, beating the keeper but sliding it across the face of goal

43 - Vancouver has woken up.  Massive lapse in the back four, Bendik makes a quality stop.  Ensuing rebound finds another boot that beats Bendik but not Henry on the line.  Harrowing stuff.

Half-Time Mood : Ummmmmmmmmmmmm... OK? *shrug*

62 - Human pinball has a shot of the cross bar, header by Henry finds Gilberto whose attempt hits a hand and the red sees nothing... peculiar

68 - nice cross from Bloom finds Isseys header and just misses the top corner

73 - beautiful cross from issey finds Rey who puts it into the box and nearly finds Gilberto.   #DoAShot

79 - SUB - DeRo in for Issey

88 - it looks like Gilberto is coasting and is getting an earful from Nelsen for lack of hustle.  Can I not blame either party here?

89 - GOAL - Bradley breaks down the win and slots it past the keeper
ROBINS 2, 86ERS 0

89 - SUB - Weideman on for Gilberto

90+1 - GOAL - Manneh.  Didn't see it.   Almost saw a Donnybrook as Manneh and DeRo start at it after the goal and Manneh says something to Bendik.
ROBINS 2, 86ERS 1

FULL TIME : TORONTO 2, VANCOUVER 1

Man of the Match : Issey was fun. Rey was fun.  Bradley gets it though.

Goat of the Game : no one was exceptionally bad

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Toronto has had penalties awarded against them for lesser crimes than the ones Vancouver got away with.

Kit Spotting : Celtic bumblebee kit from a distance.  Would've won it had I put on my newly acquired Sheffield Wednesday shirt.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : Subs earlier.   Gilberto could've come off after 70 mins.

Gilberto Drinking Game : 4 shots.  About 4 near shots on top of that so you might have been pissed up.

Still not convinced things are working together as the can be or should be.  Plenty of quality individual efforts all over the park but few potential game changing moments that could have been.  Playing against a stripped down Vancouver side should have been a simple game running out 3-0 victors by the hour mark but they were lacking.  Yes, they are playing well.  Yes, they are good enough to win something.  No, they are not playing up to their potential.  Toronto should have walked away with this game or fought hard for this result and neither was the case.

Although prepared for midges with a mosquito head thingies,  there wasn't enough of them to truly pesty... Issey was getting a good hacking out there.  Was afraid he would be missing chunks of his legs if he kept playing... you can tell that Vancouver were giving a pile of kids their first runs out just by their shirt number.   32, 36, 38 and a 44 were on display... For every head scratcher Rey did out there, he had a pile of nice turns and passes... at least the rain held out... Some of the much coveted "bro demographic" either love singing for Toronto, or have no idea how away goals work in these things.  I wouldn't be singing too much tonight.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6.5, Bloom 7.5, Caldwell 6, Henry 6.5, Morrow 6, Bekker 6.5, Rey 7, Bradley 7.5, Gilberto 6.5 [Weideman N/A], Issey 7 [DeRo N/A], Defoe 6.5

@ignirtoq still hasn't done laundry from Saturday but braved what little elements that nature could serve up.  He also believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Gilberto scoring.

THE MATCHUP: Bzzzzzzzzzz

TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER
CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP SEMI FINAL
BMO FIELD – WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- The Canadian Cham… BZZZZZZZZZZ
- Sorry, midges. As we were saying… BZZZZZZZZZ
- Dear God so many… Ach! NOT IN THE MOUTH!
- They’ve taken the South Stand! Retreat! BZZZZZZZZZ

 

… The bugs! They’ve enslaved the Vancouver bench!!!

 

 

… We for one welcome our new midge overlords…

 

Laba on loan? Not so fast. Argentine TRADED to Vancouver for nothing

Not your finest hour Tim...
 

Remember yesterday's article when the widely reported Matias Laba loan to Vancouver was reported? Remember the part where we said something along the lines of "well at least he wasn't traded for a bunch of balls"?

Yeah. Notsomuch.

Like vulgar thieves in the night, TFC dropped a big stinking turd this late evening announcing that Matias Laba has not been loaned out for future use but rather traded.

Oh well that's crap. Surely not to a rival?
Think again. Still Vancouver.

Oh.

Well surely we got some great value in return for a DP?

Give your head a shake... "future considerations".

 

Surely we're dreaming this, late on a Wednesday night?
Nope. It's Toronto FC, baby.

So there it is sports fans. After a winter of good deals... the body shot. The dispatching of the most talented player to wear the TFC Red in the past couple of years sent packing to a team we will meet in the Canadian Cup. Where he will score in the 93rd minute to eliminate us. For squat.

Yes "future considerations" is a very grey term but when have you ever heard "hey remember those future considerations? Here's something awesome. Cheers for that!" Never O'clock.

Maybe we're greedy after a number of successful deals this winter but this one will be marked by most - for now - as a big time failure. Yes he couldn't stay under MLS rules, no one is blind to that fact but this seems like the weakest outcome possible apart from releasing him outright.

On the same day when a local Toronto City Councillor was trumpeting BMO Field as the exciting new Argos stadium in the imminent future, this deal added to a strong whiff of #WTFC.



LETTERS FROM CAMP: LuluLaba - Reds' DP off to Vancouver Whitecaps on loan

"Me and this giant ball will take care of your boy"

Of all the options available in the Matias Laba 2014 exit strategy, a loan deal within the league wasn't too bad. The fact that it looks as if he is going to a national rival puts a wee bit of a sting into its tail.

According to The Province tonight, The Reds and The Caps have agreed to a loan deal under the new MLS intraleague loan rule that will see the midfield maestro spend the year at BC Place. Whether or not he would be allowed to play against TFC (especially in Canadian Championship matches) is so far unclear. In most parts of the world, a player on loan rarely faces his parent club... but this is MLS so who the eff knows?

Having Laba come back and bite TFC's asses in 2014 would suck. Seeing The Caps, who TFC have built a nice rivalry with, succeed with Laba would suck. Losing Laba permanently would have sucked so much harder.

Under a loan agreement, Laba will presumably return to TFC in 2015 and no longer fall under the DP category. In other words, a year of seasoning under a pretty good ex-defensive mid in the form of Caps' manager Carl Robinson then back as a part of a midfield that will feature a young core of Michael Bradley, Jonathan Osorio and himself.

It would have been a touch nicer if he could have been loaned to a Chivas or San Jose, deep in the west where we rarely see them, but it is what it is. Between the choice of Laba being sold back to South America, traded within MLS for some crappy draft and allocation stupidity or spending one year sleeping with our yoga pants-wearing neighbour - we'll take it.

See you in a year Matias... pretend you're injured when Vancouver play TFC please.



AFTER 90: Mini-Shining Lights

The red bulbs blind us all

VANCOUVER VS. TORONTO

BC PLACE

FIRST HALF:

KICK OFF - Not sure if this is any kind of omen for the season but the First Kick in Canada is not live on TV as curling is still on. So happy that TFC pandered their start times this year to TSN who obviously care greatly for football. Anyhoo... red threads are bound, shining lights are lit and Robert Earnshaw has been thrown into the line-up despite match fitness. Let the Payne begin!

2' - Speaking of our newly minted Welsh striker, he's making a bit of a nuisance of himself against the Whitecaps' defence early.

5' - Adult film superstar/GK Joe Cannon doing his dirty best to keep Earnshaw from opening his MLS account. Erotic stuff.

7' - Caps suffer early loss as their defensive leader Jay DeMerit is forced off through injury. Ah Field Turf, is there anyone you can't hurt?

19' - Reggie Lambe uses the dark arts to grab TFC a 35-yard free kick. Earnshaw places it a bit too high over Joe Cannon's reach. Also the name of a 1992 XXX video.

23' - Rookie Kyle Bekker showing good positioning but a bit timid on the ball. Looking for the extra pass too often so far.

27' - YELLOW CARD: Terry Dunfield for a hard tackle on Daigo Kobayashi - possibly for eating all the hot dogs.

35' - Great low cross from Hogan Ephraim but only Dunfield on the end of it. Goes out for corner where Vancouver fans throw granola and old lululemon pants at TFC.

40' - Still odd when sunshine breaks through BC Place. Briefly think there's a fire upstairs. You know... not the usual smoke from potheads.

44' - With their first half of Ryan Nelsen's reign coming to a close there has been a distinct lack of hoof in TFC's expected hoofball.

HALFTIME: VANCOUVER 0 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:

48' - Vancouver much more aggressive in the early stages of the half. Reds' defence forced into multiple scrambles.

50' - Joe Bendik has to make a big low save as Whitecaps continue to press hard.

52' - No confirmation if TFC's locker room chat was actually a DVD entitled "The Best TFC Ex-Manager Halftime Talks"

58' - TFC looking like a shell of their first half selves. Shaky, disoriented and without shape. So yes, like the last six years.

59' - GOAL: Vancouver Whitecaps - Gershon Koffie blasts one past Bendik who was let down by the 10 in front of him. Reds toothless since the half.

VANCOUVER 1 - TORONTO 0

65' - Nigel Reo-Coker has been eating TFC's midfield alive since his introduction. Difference maker. Hyphenation-aficionado.

68' - Tonight's referee Juan Guzman should have never cut off those World Series-era jheri curls

70' - Promised cavalry better be pending as TFC's offense is still a rumour at best.

75' - SUB: Taylor Morgan in for Terry Dunfield

78' - Next time The Economist wants to name Vancouver as the "World's Most Livable City" I'm sending them a picture of BC Place's turf

85' - SUB: Emery Welshman helps Save The Wales as he relieves Robert Earnshaw. Welshman for Welsh man switch.

88' - Vancouver pressing hard for a second goal. Reds scrambling.

90'+ - Joe Cannon keeping TFC's long balls at bay. That one was free.

FULL TIME: VANCOUVER 1 - TORONTO 0

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Danny Califf 6 / Darren O'Dea 6.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5 / Reggie Lambe 6 / Jeremy Hall 6 / Terry Dunfield 6.5 (Taylor Morgan N/A ) / Hogan Ephraim 5.5 / Kyle Bekker 6 / Robert Earnshaw 6 (Emery Welshman N/A)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Richard Eckersley

THE BATH:

Considering many pundits and supporters alike expected a blowout today, perhaps we should feel grateful that it ended 1-0. However, TFC supporters will feel a wee bit frustrated tonight as their first half play could have delivered a win in the season opener if not a guaranteed draw. Of course, a classic Jekyll & Hyde display was to rob the "New (Again) Reds" of a positive start.

Was it a case of a talent-superior Vancouver taking The Reds too lightly in the first half? Did the "real" TFC take longer than expected to emerge? Or, is there a glimmer of hope in our collective futures? The answer is probably somewhere in the middle and how TFC fares over the next few months will depend on which half performance they choose to harness more often. It was raw, it was frustrating and it was ultimately disappointing but we have seen worse. Going forward, TFC must build on the first half so we can revel in the positives over the same old second halves more often.

THE MATCHUP: Shining Lights to the west

His name is "Shiny McShine"

VANCOUVER VS. TORONTO

　
BC PLACE - SATURDAY 6:30PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Funny roof thingy? Check. Sweaty Lenarduzzi? Check. Smug sense of superiority? Check. Vancouver is ready.
　
Paper-thin roster? Check. Kids thrust into starting line-up? Check. Another new beginning? Check. Toronto is... present.
　
It seems like just a year ago that Aron Winter was set to lead TFC towards their craptacular 0-9 start because it was. SIXual Healing was a season to forget despite peculiarities like Dutch ovens, busted ACL's, shorts, black cats, modern eras and ticket rollbacks - but not to fear, a fresh start is here! Again.
　
TFC's Seventh Deadly Season (it ends with a head in a box) by K-Payne feat. Nelly starts for realz at the home of the BC Lions and expectations could not be more in check for TFC supporters. Mass departures have been met by sparse last minute additions for The Reds all which point to a tough start once again. Perhaps the club will have a better face by mid-season with more moves to undoubtedly come but for now, anything positive by Toronto's men should be taken as gravy. Speaking of man gravy - Joe Cannon should be in goal for Vancouver. Hot.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
VANCOUVER: Darren Mattocks, Lee Young-Pyo, Nigel Reo-Coker
TORONTO: Danny Califf, Darren O'Dea, Luis Silva
　
THE ODDS:
A bad start to the new beginning blamed on:
- Not enough time to re-build the squad: 2-1
- Not enough time to build team chemistry: 3-1
- Not enough time to build an inukshuk: 10-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
TFC's newish President, Kevin Payne, felt the need to encapsulate the club's new "team-first" philosophy through the medium of the Canadian aboriginal symbol - the inukshuk. While many openly mocked Payne's choice at symbolism, the inukshuk is actually an inspired choice for a football team. While many assume that the rock statues are an ancient tradition, they were actually first used in 1933 when Preston North End's pre-season trip to Sweden got lost in northern waters and the club ended up on Baffin Island. PNE proposed a friendly with a local Inuit tribe but as they only had 10 men in their family, an inukshuk was created and played in goal. Inuit XI 1 (Atanqajurik '34 PK) - Preston North End 2 (Harper '12, Beattie 78')
　
In late breaking inukshuk transfer news - Twitter has been buzzing all day that Kevin Payne is about to send Reggie Lambe to Whitecaps for a warehouse full of leftover Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics inukshuk t-shirts and key chains.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
"RED THREAD FRAYS BEFORE HALFTIME"
　
KIND OF BREAKING NEWS:
Just before Press Time (I'm a newsie! You're off your trolley see!) Toronto FC made a couple of official signing announcements just to make our first paragraph look dickish.
　
As reported everywhere over the last few days, Robert Earnshaw is now official (although on a permanent deal) as are young attackers Taylor Morgan, Ashton Bennett (together they are Ashton Morgan!) and Jonathan Osorio. Darel "The Roy G." Russell was officially announced as signed a short time later. Not quite as late as Dan Gargan in a cab but these deals may have been signed on the plane to Vancouver. Tray tables to up Mr. Payne.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Vancouver... or Greatest. Match. Ever.

Sometimes, this part of the report is written before a match in a vain attempt to build towards some kind of atmosphere, as someone who's reliving the "match-day experience" or whatever that could possibly mean in MLS(E) land.  But tonight, there will be no pre-match set-up beyond the following : Toronto mediocre, everyone else better, wonder how the hell a team six seasons on is still this crap.

But the finish was a classic.  The football was sloppy at times, but a classic nonetheless.

Predictions match the absurdity going into the match.  @theyorkies1812 was calling for a 4-0 loss so we could use the headline "Cat-tastrophy" in regards to Soolsma's departure.  Brandon was predicting a penalty shootout, but he was crazy so telling him that it couldn't happen was off the table.  We had 2-1 for Toronto from @kzknowles, 2-1 loss, and I was feeling 0-0.

On to the match.

Quote of the Match

If only all of our players were somebody else.

~ @devontaylor113

20' - Frings' ball into the box as Danny K goes for a cute flick redirect but doesn't get enough on it and it rolls out.

28' - SUB - Hall comes off early due to injury and is replace by Henry

36' - YELLOW - Silva does stuff, gets booked.

41' - Oh Johnson... fail.  On a break with only Cannon to beat and can't do it.  Rebound ends up at the feet of deGoo who spins around to get a shot off that Cannon lunges for to parry around the post.

Half-time mood : Not the most exciting first half ever witnessed zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

50' - GOAL - Darren Mattocks gets around a downed Kocic and pots it.  Not terribly surprising.
ROBINS 0, VANCHESTER 1

53-59' - My good friend Phil nudges me and we start singing "Bohemian Rhapsody".  We got through the whole song. Brilliant stuff.  If you have a youtube link of it, please let us know...

60' - SUB - an unremarkable deGoo makes way for Avila.

63' - YELLOW - Dunfield does stuff, gets booked.

We need a goal right now!  We need to put in Plata and Soolsma.  No?  OK, then Nesta...

~ @devontaylor113

69' - GOAL - Well, a game is certainly now on.  Short cross from Morgan finds the boots of Silva who swings it past Cannon, banking off the far post and in.
ROBINS 1, VANCHESTER 1

72' - Frings free kick curls over the wall and is screaming for the inside right post, but a flight from Cannon tips it away.

73' - GOAL - Frings has a go from 20 yards out, dummied by Dunfield to slide into the far left corner of the net.  Brilliant stuff.
ROBINS 2, VANCHESTER 1

85' - Mattocks goes around a downed Kocic and hits the post.  Rebound comes out for an attempt, stopped by Eckersley.  Following rebound stopped by Staltini (that's Emory). #exhausted

4 minutes of extra time

90+1' - GOAL - OMFG... Mattocks takes flight over Kocic and another defender and pokes it.  The disbelief... heartbreak.
ROBINS 2, VANCHESTER 2

or is it?

90+4' - No flags gone up.  No cards.  The ref isn't pointing at anyone or anything.  OMG... GOAL - Terry "Mother F**kin'" Dunfield with his first goal in a Robins jersey, gets the header over everyone and puts it top left corner.  Absolute madness and delirium ensues.
ROBINS 3, VANCHESTER 2

FULL TIME : Toronto 3, Vancouver 2

Wow.  Just wow.  What a roller coaster.

Man of the Match : Though Dunfield had an amazing game, as did Frings, but I'm going to give it to my buddy Phil for starting "Bohemian Rhapsody" when they were down 1-0.  Total turning point.

Goat of the Game : Ryan Johnson, who often works his ass off has a finishing problem.  If he buried 10% of his chances, he'd probably have 7 goals by now.  With the elation of the finish to the game, his performance was the only one goat-worthy.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  The question remains, in a match with two Canadian franchises, who does the ref screw over more?  Wasn't sure if the answer was still Toronto at times.

Kit Spotting : Saw Olympiakos home, FC Koln but the winner was the lad behind us with the Oxford United jersey.

Greatest TFC match ever.  Not the best performance, but that finish was just fantastic.  Typically the Robins are the team getting put over the barrel with injury time remaining, but this is a first. Haven't left BMO with this big a grin since Canada drew Ecuador (which is technically a win since Ecuador shouldn't draw Canada ever) and the irony is the goal that made the difference in both games was scored by Terry "Mother F**kin'" Dunfield.

Frings was just comprehensive tonight.  He is truly the leader and captain of this ship.  Hard to believe that Frings is 46 years old... Seriously. Great finish... The departure of Soolsma disappoints me greatly. Aside from the cat references and the pretty shirt that we made is now a dead gag, Nick Soolsma went from being my goat of the season in 2011 for always being in position, getting the ball and not being able to beat a pylon - to turning defenders around and providing some great passes and shots in the short time he was here in 2012.  There is likely more to it than just simply cutting ties and that's unfair.  We wish him the best and safe travels with his wonderful cat Suarez... That was the best match ever.  Man you should've seen it... Come to think of it, if Suarez is canned for being the wrong guy under an old regime, I get it, but if it is for embarrassment to the club, then someone needs to fire the hell out of whoever wasn't paying attention to DeRo training with Celtic or Plata going back to LDU Quito.  For a club/company that controls and manipulates the media, that's truly an embarrassment... Good lord what a match!

Player Ratings : Kocic 6; Hall N/A [Henry 6], Eckersley 6.5, Emory 6, Morgan 6.5; Dunfield 7, de Guzman 6 [Avila 6], Frings 7.5, Silva 6.5; Koevermans 6, Johnson 5.5, Phil* 9

* Phil is not really a player, just my friend.

THE MATCHUP: Fifty Shades of Joe Cannon

TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER

　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
We at The Yorkies are nothing if not media trend watchers and literary insiders and would be blind not to notice the impact of "mommy porn" faux-rotica sensation "50 Shades of Grey". In honour of MLS' most erotic player - Whitecaps keeper Joe Cannon - and in a shameless crotch-grab at higher readership through accidental Googling, we present today's sexy, sexy pre-match...
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It was a hot, steamy Sunday afternoon on that riverbank. The local boys were left sweating. Their tight crimson shirts doused with perspiration. Their chests heaved in exasperation whilst steely eyes dropped in frustration at yet another unfulfilling encounter. Their boss, his tiny shorts leaving little to the imagination... legs brazenly bared to the world.... fumed as he saw his charges once again slip to their knees at the foot of the table. They had to head home that night and regroup. Train together, bond... even the jilted de Guzman had to be bold. An old rival was coming to visit with a score to settle. Also, Ty Harden.
　
The man with a score to settle will arrive under the cover of night. Emerging from his mountainous lair, confidently dressed in bold colours... and legwarming spandex. Hot. Joe Cannon and his young squad have thrust their way on to the higher reaches of the western-style table and just won't quit. Bucking expectations, taking some by surprise with their swift, bold movements. However, their only desire on a humid midweek evening by the moonlit lake will be to dominate the locals who stole their manhood by grabbing their NutCan. Hot. Also, formerly Long Tan.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel Derby" (Spicy Cream Cheese Edition)
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH (Faux-rotic version):
TORONTO: Terry Dongfelt, Julian Feelz Goodman, Reggie Slambe
VANCOUVER: Eric Assli, Joe Cannon, Barry Throbson
　
THE ODDS:
- Paul Mariner showing some serious thigh: 2-1
- Balls passing between Joe Cannon's legs: 10-1
- Toronto FC getting a happy ending: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
The erotically-named Joe Cannon has not gone unnoticed in the hyper-sexualized world of international goalkeeping. Long considered a vanguard in the hottest of all football positions, Joe Cannon's porntacular moniker has once again earned him a spot in FIFA's "All-Time Erotic Goalkeeper List". The Vancouver keeper's name managed to beat out competition from Bruce Grobbelaar's moustache, former Mexican keeper Jorge Campos' infamous neon undergarments, USSR legend Lev Yashin's homoerotic Soviet Navy tattoos and of course - David Seaman.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS FINISHED QUICKLY"

Oh, Joe... you randy minx!

CHANTS ON GOAL: "I gotta hear more Bermuda Triangle!"

"There's only one cure..."

Welcome back to our sing-along depot where we try to unleash TFC supporters' inner BMO Field Idol. After witnessing the spontaneous, wildfire popularity of the "Where is Waldo?" chant at the Canada v USA match, we know you have an ear for some new tunes. With that we bring you a few more dittys for you to try out at the oppportune TFC moment. Now... from the diaphragm...
　
Enjoying the agile play of our young winger Reggie Lambe? Do you miss when Michael Jackson could light up pavement? Moonwalk to this...
　
REGGIE LAMBE (IS NOT MY LOVER)
(to the tune of "Billie Jean")

Reggie Lambe is from Bermuda
He's just a kid,
But makes defenders look slow
Thanks Ipswich for letting him go


　
Is it just one of those days at BMO Field? Did the Reds just miss (another) chance at goal and make you wonder why you showed up? Whistle away...
　
DON'T WORRY, TFC HAPPY
(to the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy)

Here's a club I pay to see
Sometimes so bad, should be free
Don't worry
Be happy
　
Johnson looked like a sure bet
Took a shot and missed the net
Don't worry
Be happy
　
(Feel free to replace "Johnson" with the name of whomever just missed a sitter)


　
Are the Whitecaps in town again? Are they still going on about Voyageurs Cup conspiracy theories? Make it rain...
　
CAPS FOR THE CUP (to the tune of "Blame it on the Rain")

Blame it on the rain, (not Eric Hassli)
Blame it on the ref, (not lack of fight)
Whatever you do, don’t blame those Cups on you
Blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah


　
Got a song or a chant you tthink TFC supporters need to hear? Email it to us at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or send us the idea on Twitter @theyorkies1812 and we may feature it in a future "Chants on Goal"

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Vancouver... Or worst champions evar!?!?1!!!

When I think of the V-cup (formerly the NutCan), I think of stupid 8pm kick-offs and a traditional staring competition with the eye of some storm.  I'm not impressed that the correlation doesn't involve a championship.

Can you believe it? We've won this thing before.  Many times. Consecutively. Strange... And poor Vancouver - a beacon of domestic supremacy (*spit* 86ers!) for the better part of 20+ years.  This is truly a bizarro scenario.

If you're visiting this site for the first time, what the hell are you doing here?  Here's a recap: haven't earned a point all season yet yet on the cusp of silverwear, the striker thinks he's on the worst team in the world, we're grateful for a lack of relegation and a "coffee gopher" may very well be our next manager.

And Koevermans' enlightenment has found him on the bench.  Tactical I'm sure...

Predictions were 2-1, 2-0, 1-0 for the visitors, 2-1, 3-2, 4 (and up)-0 for Toronto and a 3-3 draw.  I called 1-1 and the Robins win on penalties.


On to the match:

Capo : Everybody, hands up

Tony : We're being robbed!

5' - Plata is injured!  At least he should be with how he's playing.  Check this out, he received a pass and instead of doing 4 stepovers, he had a go for 25 yards out.  Stopped by Cannon.

7' - Plata gets on the end of a cross with a weak glancing header but it handcuffs Cannon trickling just past the face of goal.

Quote of the Match:

If you ask me, I believe the Queen had her offed.

~ Brandon on Winter's formation and not the conspiracy
surrounding the death of Lady Diana.

21' - If Vancouver goes up 1-0, I hear they've got an earthquake planned for this year's natural disaster...

36' - Free kick has Frings launch a low rocket just wide of the net.

Half-Time mood : content.  Toronto are playing well right now.

54' - SUB - Avila goes down hurt and Koevermans is about to come on the pitch, however...

56' - RED - deGoo hits the showers for slapping Davidson but was likely getting at least a yellow for shoving Le Toux.  In all fairness, Le Toux goes off for his second yellow.  Davidson stayed down a long time for that slap.  Musta been a haymaker.

60' - SUB - Eckersley comes into the game for the injured Avila.

63' - Cross gets glanced again, this time by Lambe, that rolls across the face of goal.  If only we had a #10 type player sitting on the bench...

75' - YELLOW - Lambe goes into the books for a hard foul with no ball.

77' - SUB - Plata makes way for Soolsma.

81' - Eckersley beats his man and slides a pretty ball across the box that Soolsma leans into and slams it into the back the net.  I should mention that he was a few feet offside when he received it.

83' - GOAL - Lambe undoes two defenders and pots it past Cannon.

ROBINS 1, VANCHESTER CITY 0

84' - SUB - Lambe comes off for Dunfield.

85' - YELLOW - Henry gets booked for something.

85' - Vancouver free kick just goes over the bar.  Ohmygoodness...

5 minutes of extra time

90+3' - Vancouver corner had everyone come down for it, including Cannon.  Kocic goes up for it and misses and takes a knock.  Thankfully, the ball was cleared by Morgan.

Full-Time : Somehow... Toronto 1, Vancouver 0

Toronto FC, against all common sense and expectations and currently 0-0-9 in league play, are your Voyageurs Cup Champions.  Yeah, I know, right?

It's also been brought to my attention that Toronto FC goes right into the Champs League main groups... mind you, so does everyone else.  Eight groups of 3 teams each.

Man of the Match : Frings was excellent.  Also, Plata played well, Morgan was very good too.

Goat of the Game : deGoo for the stupidity on the pitch, but otherwise he wasn't that bad.  And Vancouver were playing "very aggressively", which should be read as "being big asshats" so I get his frustration.  (Maybe it is my bias, but before I can be called on that, read some of my other reports how I bury the mighty Robins.)

Ref Rating : 1 out of 5.  Piss piss poor.  Linesmen were bad.  The ref lost control quickly of the match.  Blew plenty of easy calls.  They should get a +1 for not falling for Hassli's antics, but get a -1 for not booking his whining disposition.

Seriously, we're the worst champions in the world.  Quite possibly in history.  Granted, I don't think there are many national championships awarded after a 4-team 2-leg knock-out competition... Plata was cutting back on his step-overs and I hope he realized he was far more effective because of it... I kinda felt bad for Koevermans not getting subbed.  I understood why, as the red card changed the strategic dynamic of the game.  I was certain he would come on as Johnson was about to lose his crap all over his marker, but he did not... Toronto controlled most of the first half, and a good chunk of the second half.  Vancouver didn't get many clear opportunities at Kocic and that's big props to Toronto's back four... Seriously Hassli, in your career, has pleading with officials made your game that much more effective?  You play rough and weren't called on it, and you were roughed up and weren't called on it.  Which way would you prefer?... Speaking of Koevermans, I totally get his frustrations.  At 0-0-9, someone has to break their silence... I should give a few shout-outs.  Aside from the usual @theyorkies1812 and @rohankoomar, its nice to see @kzknowles hanging out and enjoying the madness. 

Sometimes, just sometimes, I'd like my football team to be, you know, ordinary and boring.  You know Kansas City doesn't have stupid drama like this.  Neither does San Jose.  Neither does Chicago.  I'm sure they have dramas, but this is just beyond normal.  Oh football... how I adore thee. C'mon you Robins!

Player Ratings : Kocic 7, Hall 6, Cann 6, Henry 6.5, Morgan 7, deGoo 6, Frings 7, Plata 7.5 [Soolsma 7], Johnson 6.5, Avila 6 [Eckersley 6.5], Lambe 7 [Dunfield N/A]

Should boredom ensue, please follow me on twitter @ignirtoq and see the madness whenever I choose to contribute.  The name comes from a character I had in a video game for a few years.  It is not football related.  Otherwise, popping in from time to time just to see what's up is totally acceptable.

THE MATCHUP: Earth, Wind & Dire

"The Giant Laser is working!!!... er, I mean, look... a storm."

TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER
AMWAY CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
FINALS 2ND LEG - AGGREGATE 1-1
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
With all of the off-season expectations of better things to come forgotten, Toronto FC's 2012 season has (already) come down to this. There is no other chance at glory this year apart from hoisting the club's fourth Voyageurs Cup. The Reds have a slight advantage going in after scoring a key away goal in the first leg but, if the team that Danny Koevermans' hinted may be the worst in the world right now, plays as they did on Saturday in D.C. - that advantage will be wiped out. Unless of course, a violent weather front wipes out the game first. Optimism!
　
A loss on Wednesday could of course have much deeper repercussions than just an empty spot in TFC's trophy case. A loss in "The Cank" may very well give the Tom Anselmi-led front office cabal all of the ammunition they need in some supporters' eyes to put an end to Aron Winter's reign. With the palace coup coronation of Jim Brennan to first in line to the throne complete, the transition could be swift and Brennan (or as he will be managerially known: Jose Cappuccino) may soon be in charge. Of course, a win would be more fun - if not for the relief of victory but rather the chance to enter the CONCACAF Champions League as Canada's representative with a potential 0-20 league record. It would be CSA-riffic!
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel II: Cank's for the Memories"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Ryan Johnson, Danny Koevermans, Nick Soolsma
VANCOUVER: Camilo, Eric Hassli, Darren Mattocks
　
THE ODDS:
- Massive thunderstorm: 3-1
- Baker's dozen of tornadoes: 10-1
- Biblical plague of frogs: 30-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
The conspiracy theorists amongst the Vancouver Whitecaps supporters have already complained to the CSA, CONCACAF and the United Nations after strange gambling trends around this match have been detected from Asia. Large amounts of money have suddenly been put onto "Southern Ontario low pressure fronts", "Nor'Easters" and "Giant Laser Accident/ Toronto". There has been no official word yet from any official football body, Environment Canada, Ban-Ki Moon or any local supervillains.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "CLEAR SKIES USHER IN WINTER'S END"

And... since it's Tuesday(?!) and we all need a dance... if tactics and/or inclement weather don't do the trick, we can try this...

THE STARTING 11: Innocent football terms and/or Joe Cannon adult films

Oh sometimes this stuff just writes itself

For every Johan de Kock there has been a Fabian Assman. Where would Florian Dick be without Ralf Minge? While Major League Soccer may not possess a nom du foot quite as blunt as a Stefan Kuntz, there can be no doubt who tops the list as "Most Likely to Appear in Porn Credits": Joe Cannon. What a gift the Vancouver Whitecaps goalkeeper was been given by his family - a name that Dirk Diggler would have... well you know... all over. It's hard (chuckle) not to whip out (oh stop it, perv) the double entendres when reporting on Whitecaps matches so as we head towards the 2nd Leg Final on Wednesday we try to separate innocent football terminology from following the words "Joe Cannon starring in..."
　
11. "Box to Box Action"
　
10. "Out Comes The Magic Spray"
　
9. "Furious Five-A-Side Play"
　
8. "Man-To-Man Marking"
　
7. "Changing Ends at the Half"
　
6. "Beating the Keeper"
　
5. "Handling in the Area"
　
4. "Winning over Two Legs"
　
3. "Caught Ball Watching"
　
2. "A Tremendous Solo Effort"
　
1. "Spoiling his Clean Sheet"

Wait? What?

AFTER 90: With all to play for...

BC Place: actual attendance pictured

THE BUZZ:

Could this be the end to TFC's Canadian reign?

Will Aron Winter "park the bus" at BC Place?

Will he let Ryan Johnson know beforehand?

Who has to wash BC Place's giant curtains?

Has the Whitecaps schedule left them tired?

Are Granola Buttys a thing?

Am I the only one who would trade Vancouver's assistant coach Carl Robinson for our new one?

　

FIRST HALF:

11' - YELLOW CARD: Jeremy Hall

　

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Scrappy teamwork to cover errors

FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Seeing Carl Robinson as Vancouver's assistant... then seeing ours

　

HALFTIME: VANCOUVER 0 - TORONTO 0

　

SECOND HALF:

49' - YELLOW CARD: Terry Dunfield

64' - SUB: Danny Koevermans in for Eric Avila

66' - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson

VANCOUVER 0 - TORONTO 1

71' - SUB: Nick Soolsma in for Reggie Lambe

79' - SUB: Luis Silva in for Joao Plata

90'+ - GOAL: Vancouver - Eric Hassli

VANCOUVER 1 - TORONTO 1

　

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Ryan Johnson officially earning the name "Cup Killah"

SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: A lightning bolt strike by Hassli

　

FULL TIME: VANCOUVER 1 - TORONTO 1

　

PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 6 / Adrian Cann 6.5 / Doneil Henry 7 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Terry Dunfield 7 / Julian de Guzman 5.5 / Eric Avila 5.5 (Danny Koevermans 5) / Reggie Lambe 6 (Nick Soolsma 6.5) / Ryan Johnson 7 / Joao Plata 5.5 (Luis Silva N/A)

　

THE YORKIES' TFC PLAYER OF THE MATCH: Terry Dunfield

　

THE MOOD:

Unlike the 1st Leg against Montreal in the Canadian Championship Semi-Final, we are left with a feeling that Toronto FC actually played to plan tonight. Rather than simply parking the bus, Aron Winter's pre-match promise of counter-attacking football actually came to fruition. With the daring to pressure a very lacklustre Vancouver, of course came the reward in a massive away goal.

　

While The Reds were by no means a polished football machine, they managed to blend some scrappy teamwork and kept the pressure on Whitecaps who looked disjointed for large stretches. But, as one would expect from a cup match between these two clubs, a shocking moment turned everything on its head when Eric Hassli scored a wonder goal that no goalkeeper could have stopped. If nothing else, Toronto fans are in for a 2nd Leg treat next week with all to play for. Weather permitting.

THE MATCHUP: Second-year expansion club faces Vancouver for Canadian Cup glory

So hot right now!

VANCOUVER VS. TORONTO
AMWAY CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
FINALS - 1ST LEG
　
BC PLACE - WEDNESDAY 10PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Before the farcical coaching moves made yesterday, Toronto FC's website was extolling the possible virtues of returning to the all-out defensive style employed by Aron Winter in the semi-final first leg. Now when the club's official website "reports" something like this, you should likely take it as more of a public service announcement than journalism. They are almost preparing their fans for the worst in a type of pre-emptive strike against criticism.

While that defensive "tactic" worked against Montreal, Vancouver is a different kettle of salmon with a lot more firepower up front than Impact. If The Reds, who will be missing Torsten Frings and Richard Eckersley, allow this one to become a one-way shooting gallery, they will likely find themselves facing far more danger than Montreal could threaten. A tough decision for Winter who must be aware that a loss in this competition may mark his TFC demise. Again.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel: Cank Edition"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
VANCOUVER: Joe Cannon, Eric Hassli, Lee Young-Pyo
TORONTO: Milos Kocic, Reggie Lambe, Nick Soolsma
　
THE ODDS:
- Hipster Vancouver fans being silenced in awe over Jim Brennan's sideline hair-do and soul patch combination: 3-1
- Aron Winter being forced by the TFC front office to play a 4-4-2 formation - telling the press that "it's for the good of the team": 10-1
- Bob de Klerk's new job description includes literally parking the team's bus in front of Milos Kocic: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Vancouver, British Columbia... "The Windy City", "Sin City", "The House that Ruth Built". Canada's Pacific jewel is a town of modest folk who never sing their own praises despite constantly making the Top 5 on The Economist's annual "Most Righteous Cities to get your Buzz On" and "Cleanest Cities to Hold a Riot in" lists. Founded in 1972 by Dutch explorer/ narcotocist Jan Van Koevermans (no relation), the modern metropolis has become a global leader in sandal technology as well as a research hub into the mysteries of muesli.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "IT'S HIP TO BE SQUARE"

THE STARTING 11: Other ways to defend against Vancouver

Puff, puff, percolate!



Why it seems like only yesterday that nature's fury was walloping Teitur Thordarson's weathered Icelandic face and forcing a replay to the Canadian Cup final. As we all know, Toronto FC eventually beat Crystal Meth Palace FC (Whitecaps to their friends) and The Voyaguers Cup remained in its rightful home for another year. However, things have changed in 12 months - Vancouver is flying high in MLS while TFC is... well... making progress? As the two foes meet again for this year's final, it looks like Aron Winter will return to his dreaded defensive 9-1-1 formation for Wednesday's 1st Leg. We propse to Winter that parking the bus as he did at The Olympic Stadium isn't the only way to slow down the Vancouverites...
　
11. Hold their 1979 SoccerBowl trophy for ransom
　
10. Get Mo Johnston to screw Whitcaps' assistant Carl Robinson out of another job
　
9. Upset locals by telling the media that Stan Smyl's moustache was nothing but a tool of the ultra right-wing military industrial complex
　
8. Take out any Sasquatches early in the match
　
7. Infuriate Vancouver's South Korean defender by refusing to call him Lee Young-Pyo or Young-Pyo Lee but rather Young Lee-Pyo
　
6. Wash and dry their Lululemon yoga pants on the hot cycle
　
5. Relentlessly tease Martin Nash by calling him "Poor Man's Steve"
　
4. Keep stepping on the heel of their Birkenstocks
　
3. Interrupt scoreboard instant replays with clips of Whitecaps' GK/adult film star Joe Cannon's latest XXX feature "Dribbling in the Box II: Give & Go"
　
2. Secretly switch their regular weed with new Folger's Crystals!
　
1. Two words: granola laxatives