THE MATCHUP: Fifty Shades of Joe Cannon

TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER

　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
We at The Yorkies are nothing if not media trend watchers and literary insiders and would be blind not to notice the impact of "mommy porn" faux-rotica sensation "50 Shades of Grey". In honour of MLS' most erotic player - Whitecaps keeper Joe Cannon - and in a shameless crotch-grab at higher readership through accidental Googling, we present today's sexy, sexy pre-match...
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It was a hot, steamy Sunday afternoon on that riverbank. The local boys were left sweating. Their tight crimson shirts doused with perspiration. Their chests heaved in exasperation whilst steely eyes dropped in frustration at yet another unfulfilling encounter. Their boss, his tiny shorts leaving little to the imagination... legs brazenly bared to the world.... fumed as he saw his charges once again slip to their knees at the foot of the table. They had to head home that night and regroup. Train together, bond... even the jilted de Guzman had to be bold. An old rival was coming to visit with a score to settle. Also, Ty Harden.
　
The man with a score to settle will arrive under the cover of night. Emerging from his mountainous lair, confidently dressed in bold colours... and legwarming spandex. Hot. Joe Cannon and his young squad have thrust their way on to the higher reaches of the western-style table and just won't quit. Bucking expectations, taking some by surprise with their swift, bold movements. However, their only desire on a humid midweek evening by the moonlit lake will be to dominate the locals who stole their manhood by grabbing their NutCan. Hot. Also, formerly Long Tan.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel Derby" (Spicy Cream Cheese Edition)
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH (Faux-rotic version):
TORONTO: Terry Dongfelt, Julian Feelz Goodman, Reggie Slambe
VANCOUVER: Eric Assli, Joe Cannon, Barry Throbson
　
THE ODDS:
- Paul Mariner showing some serious thigh: 2-1
- Balls passing between Joe Cannon's legs: 10-1
- Toronto FC getting a happy ending: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
The erotically-named Joe Cannon has not gone unnoticed in the hyper-sexualized world of international goalkeeping. Long considered a vanguard in the hottest of all football positions, Joe Cannon's porntacular moniker has once again earned him a spot in FIFA's "All-Time Erotic Goalkeeper List". The Vancouver keeper's name managed to beat out competition from Bruce Grobbelaar's moustache, former Mexican keeper Jorge Campos' infamous neon undergarments, USSR legend Lev Yashin's homoerotic Soviet Navy tattoos and of course - David Seaman.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS FINISHED QUICKLY"

Oh, Joe... you randy minx!