His name is "Shiny McShine"
VANCOUVER VS. TORONTO
BC PLACE - SATURDAY 6:30PM ET
TV: TSN
THE KICKABOUT:
Funny roof thingy? Check. Sweaty Lenarduzzi? Check. Smug sense of superiority? Check. Vancouver is ready.
Paper-thin roster? Check. Kids thrust into starting line-up? Check. Another new beginning? Check. Toronto is... present.
It seems like just a year ago that Aron Winter was set to lead TFC towards their craptacular 0-9 start because it was. SIXual Healing was a season to forget despite peculiarities like Dutch ovens, busted ACL's, shorts, black cats, modern eras and ticket rollbacks - but not to fear, a fresh start is here! Again.
TFC's Seventh Deadly Season (it ends with a head in a box) by K-Payne feat. Nelly starts for realz at the home of the BC Lions and expectations could not be more in check for TFC supporters. Mass departures have been met by sparse last minute additions for The Reds all which point to a tough start once again. Perhaps the club will have a better face by mid-season with more moves to undoubtedly come but for now, anything positive by Toronto's men should be taken as gravy. Speaking of man gravy - Joe Cannon should be in goal for Vancouver. Hot.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel"
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
VANCOUVER: Darren Mattocks, Lee Young-Pyo, Nigel Reo-Coker
TORONTO: Danny Califf, Darren O'Dea, Luis Silva
THE ODDS:
A bad start to the new beginning blamed on:
- Not enough time to re-build the squad: 2-1
- Not enough time to build team chemistry: 3-1
- Not enough time to build an inukshuk: 10-1
WHO ARE YA?
TFC's newish President, Kevin Payne, felt the need to encapsulate the club's new "team-first" philosophy through the medium of the Canadian aboriginal symbol - the inukshuk. While many openly mocked Payne's choice at symbolism, the inukshuk is actually an inspired choice for a football team. While many assume that the rock statues are an ancient tradition, they were actually first used in 1933 when Preston North End's pre-season trip to Sweden got lost in northern waters and the club ended up on Baffin Island. PNE proposed a friendly with a local Inuit tribe but as they only had 10 men in their family, an inukshuk was created and played in goal. Inuit XI 1 (Atanqajurik '34 PK) - Preston North End 2 (Harper '12, Beattie 78')
In late breaking inukshuk transfer news - Twitter has been buzzing all day that Kevin Payne is about to send Reggie Lambe to Whitecaps for a warehouse full of leftover Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics inukshuk t-shirts and key chains.
POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
"RED THREAD FRAYS BEFORE HALFTIME"
KIND OF BREAKING NEWS:
Just before Press Time (I'm a newsie! You're off your trolley see!) Toronto FC made a couple of official signing announcements just to make our first paragraph look dickish.
As reported everywhere over the last few days, Robert Earnshaw is now official (although on a permanent deal) as are young attackers Taylor Morgan, Ashton Bennett (together they are Ashton Morgan!) and Jonathan Osorio. Darel "The Roy G." Russell was officially announced as signed a short time later. Not quite as late as Dan Gargan in a cab but these deals may have been signed on the plane to Vancouver. Tray tables to up Mr. Payne.
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