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Saturday, February 23, 2013


Paddle joke (here)

If 80's movies have taught me anything, then the last day of camp will involve Toronto FC competing in some kind of water race aboard a homemade raft. The team nerd (Dunfield?) will have equipped it with hilarious gadgets while the gang fight to beat that mean camp of hunky jocks (Sporting KC) from across the lake. The winner gets to keep their camp and get the girl (Bitchy the Hawk) - all set to a rockin' musical montage.

Alas, life is not like the 80's - if it were, Danny Koevermans would have a sweet Chris Waddle mullet - and today is just the last kick at an alarmingly quiet pre-season camp for The Reds. Ryan Nelsen is back from dodging immigration cops and will try to put a team together out of what is arguably the thinnest First Kick roster in the club's history.

With the regurgitated promise of 3 or 4 "imminent" player signings whispered quietly beneath the bellows of new crappy beer deals and reality shows, the season has crept up on a TFC that look less prepared for a MLS season than they did in November. You're dying to hear more now aren't you? Boat Race fog-horn!!!

KICK-OFF: Nothing epitomizes TFC more than the words "Consolation Final". With the "Participation" medals ready it's time to face our SkyDome brunch guests...

BUT THEN... like a broken BETAMax tape from that aforementioned 80's film, the club announced that there would be no live stream. Thus... a combination of Twitter updates and spring break/camp film tomfoolery...

1' - Here's a starting line-up to get you PUMPED for 2013!

5' - Good to see... er, read... Danny Califf and Darren O'Dea as the centreback duo today. If only we could combine the two. One wears a proper number (3) and the other wears proper boots (all black). Now that's a defender.
7' - Reggie Lambe loses possession when a buxom blonde's bikini-top gets attached to a nerd's radio-controlled airplane and pops off
15' - Darren O'Dea and Paolo Nagamura in a shoving match - they are actually following my script!

20' - Pretty sure today's referee is that crusty college Dean!

30' - Fans in attendance today in Orlando invited to stay after the match to meet Archie Hahn - the voice of the alien "Meathead" in 1984 blockbuster hit "Meatballs Part II"
35' - Despite no video feed, I can honestly say this is the most solid I've seen TFC play all spring
40' - Any player named "Saad" should be legally bound by MLS to play for Toronto FC

SECOND HALF: No major changes going into the final half of spring except trialist Justin Davis off for trialist Darel "The Roy G." Russell who will possibly do a Kool Moe Dee-esque rap track as the jocks, nerds, beauty queens and goths watch on dancing awkwardly
55' - Nothing much happening for the first 10 minutes so it will likely just be packaged as a montage to the soft rock stylings of Cheap Trick
57' - The "Ogre" of TFC (that one's for you "Revenge of the Nerds" fans) Darren O'Dea picks up his second caution and sees red...

60' - TFC decide to play a game of "Look Who's Striking?"

70' - Tables turned on rival frat house as Danny Koevermans' "I'll Eat Your Pi for Charity" booth reveals topless pick of Terry Dunfield stuck on the bottom of every pie plate!
75' - Like the guy who has been at the college way too long - Terry Dunfield joins the race. But will he win the girl?
85' - The exciting* (*not exciting) raft race that has been TFC's pre-season is on its final stretch! Can those plucky lads win and save "Camp Shining Light" from impending doom?
89' - No.

FINAL WHISTLE: While the lack of coverage gave us the excuse to have way more fun with this match than it really was - there is no real excuse for the mess this club's roster is in a mere week before the season begins. Yes there is new management; bloated contracts; celery caps (that's it right?) and red threads needing to be bound but the squad trotted out was what we should have seen a month ago and not today.

Yes the magical "3 or 4" signings are once again "on their way" and perhaps things turn out well way down the road but not a single TFC supporter expected this paper-thin excuse for a team one week before Vancouver. The Reds are indeed "Up The Creek" and that creek has a name... and is known for not supplying paddles.


1 comment:

  1. "a team together out of what is arguably the thinnest First Kick roster in the club's history. "

    The most damning quote I've ever read around these parts.