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Friday, February 24, 2012

A Mickey Mouse tournament after all!

Sweet pair of Hackens!

It is one of North America's most fiercely contested, rodent-related soccer tournaments in history. FIFA ranks it in the Top 250 theme park-based football competitions of the 21st Century. Yes, it's time to get off the teacups and take the monorail over to the Walt Disney World Pro Soccer Classic. Rolls right of the tongue.
 
In its third year of existence, the "Classic" once again invites a host of clubs for a preseason tournament in the Orlando sun with the winner leaving with untold riches. Well, at least a trophy with Sport Goofy and coupons for some funnel cakes. The tournament is also Toronto FC's only competitive preseason action so we thought we'd have a quick look at the teams our Reds will face. This should help while squinting your eyes at MLS's internet feed.
 
ORLANDO CITY - February 25th, 6PM
NICKNAME: The Lions
ALTERNATE NICKNAME: The Mouseketeers
STAR PLAYER: John "Wayne's Brother" Rooney
POSSIBLE FLORIDA TRIALIST: Anyone from Epcot's Brazil pavilion
CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS: Chip 'n Dale; Scrooge McDuck; Tony Orlando (Dawn pending)
BIO: The current USL Pro Division Champions (North America's 3rd Tier) had a tremendously successful and well attended first year in Orlando after moving from Austin, Texas. Already out-drawing Tampa Bay Mutiny and Miami Fusion combined, Orlando City are making a case for future MLS consideration... or a home for D.C. United to move to when their next four stadium proposals fail.
 
BK HACKEN - February 28th, 6PM
NICKNAME: The Hedge
ALTERNATE NICKNAME: The Meatballers
STAR PLAYER: Matias Ostberg
POSSIBLE FLORIDA TRIALIST: "Steve" from IKEA Orlando
CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS: 1/4 of ABBA; extras from the Thor movie; Volvo dealers
BIO: Finally a chance to use all those saved up Swedish puns! TFC's first ever Swedish opponents are Gothenburg’s BK Hacken of the Allsvenskan Division. Mostly known for having a logo that looks like it could be half-eaten meatballs or ample, resting breasts - Hacken will no doubt offer The Reds a European-style challenge. Also, a chance to throw that leftover IKEA allen key at your computer screen.
 
FC DALLAS - March 1st, 6PM
NICKNAME: The Hoops
ALTERNATE NICKNAME: Dallatasaray
STAR PLAYER: Brek Shea
POSSIBLE FLORIDA TRIALIST: Vidal Sassoon (on Shea's insistence)
CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS: Pizza The Hut; the three dudes in their supporters' section
BIO: Ah, our old friends from Texas. Really this should be a 90 minute "Thank You" to The Hoops for bending over so ably against us in the final Champions League Group Stage Match. If it wasn't for their apathetic showing this past fall we wouldn't all be going to SkyDome in a couple of weeks!

2 comments:

  1. Time to hunt down my allen key collection...

    ReplyDelete