LETTERS FROM CAMP: Smell you later

Backwards hat? Check. Fluent German? Sure. Why not?

 

Those of you who are regulars here (Pete, Steve - how's the wife?) know that we are physically, dare I say spiritually, unable to pass up the opportunity to "Fresh'n" up the site when we face Philadelphia. We just can't seem to resist the temptation to honour the City of Brotherly Love's greatest ever citizen who was in fact born, and yes, raised there. In fact... on the playground is indeed where he spent the majority of his days.

However, this site is first and foremost a kafka-esque playhouse of football-related malarkey- serious sports news outlet, so we must mesh the pressing stories surrounding Toronto FC with this aforementioned spiritual journey/Carlton. With that in mind we present you with a topical tome, followed by some-nonsense hard-hitting sports analysis on Philadelphia v Toronto live from O-Town, FLA.

"The Fresh Frings of Werd-air"

Now this ist die story all about how
Meine life got flipped, turned upside down
Und I'd like to take ein minute just wait und see
I'll tell you how my contract ends at Toronto FC

At Werder Bremen is where I played
In Weserstadion where I spent most of meine days
Cap back, tattooed und looking quite mean
Shooting der free kicks in a kit dass was green
When a couple of guys, Winter und de Klerk
Started making offers for some new kind of work
I got on one little flight und joined a club that's a mess
And said "I'll finish meine career in der M.L und S."

I played at der BMO for nearly two years
We barely won a match und could hear der fans jeer
Injured und older but still mit long hair
I played out last season under Paul Marin-air!

I pulled up in Orlando, saw a squad not-so-great
Und I told Payne und Nelly "Yo, homes smell you later!"
Look at my hip, it does not have one more season
It's time to go home, just say "personal reasons..."

Now to the business at hand, if your hand is in Orlando or on your computer's mouse. Those striker-phobic Reds face Union in what is possibly their final Mickey Mouse Cup match of 2013. Just for shiggles, TFC ended the trial of Argentine winger Nicolas Cabrera but added two new trilaists with even less pedigree. Joining the club is Norwegian/NCAA defensive "prospect" Henrik "Norwegian Nickname" Robstad whose claim to fame is leaving school and being cut at San Jose Earthquakes camp; and, sometime Canadian international central midfielder - and most recent superstar of the German third tier - Jonathan Beaulieu-"Beef"-Bourgault. Well... colour us... um... perplexed.

 

Meanwhile, TFC management's quest "southwards" (no doubt scouting for all positions except forwards) must have gone past South America, over the South Pole and is headed back towards Canada. You're on the clock Greenland League players. To the "action"...

 

KICK-OFF: Sound and vision intact on a very blustery Disney day. If Daffy Duck wore trousers they would have blown off

5' - Trialist getting a chance today with Taylor Morgan and Ashton Bennett looking lively early on

8' - GOAL: Philadelphia - French-born Antoine Hoppenot slices through TFC defence like hot knife through brie. Tres easy.

PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

15' - Is "Up shit creek without a striker" a trademarked phrase?

20' - Emery Welshman beats his defender in the box and lays it off to open man... Jeremy Hall... do we need to write the rest?

25' - In addition to lack of anything close to finishing from TFC, physical domination by Philadelphia is not inspiring

30' - The Wide World of Sports "stadium" may be minor league but it has two things over BMO Field - a roof and a food truck named Yum Yum's

41' - GOAL: Philadelphia - So easy for Roger Torres to make his way through a TFC defence very guilty of ball-watching

PHILADELPHIA 2 - TORONTO 0

45' - If things are supposed to get better through pre-season, TFC didn't get the memo. Arguably their worst half so far this spring. Bad at both ends. Unlike a lunch from Yum Yum's.


HALFTIME: PHILADELPHIA 2 - TORONTO 0

 45' - No changes to start the 2nd Half... since the 1st Half was such a fine tuned footballing machine. Apparently.

51' - GOAL: Philadelphia - Union trialist Matt Kassel jumps all over a miserable TFC defensive clearance to put Philly up by three. Ugly.

PHILADELPHIA 3 - TORONTO 0

57' - Luis Silva with the closest thing to a scoring opportunity. And that is generous.

60' - In retrospect, watching Disney characters fight the wind would have been more fun. Looking at you Winnie The Pooh

64' - Wholesale changes for TFC as the likes of Kyle Bekker, Andrew Wiedeman and Reggie Lambe join the "battle" along with a debut for Jonathan Beaulieu-Beef-Bourgault

69' - Danny Califf and "Slappa De" Bassi on for Gale Agbossoumonde and Darren O'Dea. Why Califf and O'Dea are not working on their partnership is obviously beyond our feeble football minds

72' - The subs keep rolling (meatball for me please) as Justin Braun takes over as THE ONLY TORONTO FC STRIKER for Taylor Morgan
80' - Justin Braun with a chance. Seemed newsworthy.

85' - If TFC had an auntie and uncle in Bel-Air... they'd be on a plane by now
FINAL WHISTLE: For those of you who get their post-match wrap-up by reading this over sitting through the online stream... you're welcome. You were able to avoid watching TFC give their worst spring performance so far and resembling the worst parts of TFC 2012. Except without an actual recognized striker. Yes, we still see the silver linings of being patient and not panic buying... but c'mon. There has to be a point, when all the teams around TFC seem very able to buy players, where The Reds go out and pick up some actual reinforcements. If today's team goes into opening day, a lot of supporters with a justified lack of patience, will be extremely upset.

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 3 - TORONTO 0

And... while you sit on your throne here is Der Prinz von Bel Air...