THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Philadelphia... Or The Only Bump I See Is That Think You Call A Defence, Amirite?

Last night was as close to what a hurricane must look like as I've ever seen in person.  Brutally hot and humid,  torrential rain and a light show that Benson & Hedges would've been proud of.  Today is gorgeous... partly cloudy, cool breeze, high of 22C.  Perfect environment for football.

I said nothing about it needing to be good.

If the idea of a win under a new manager is a theory, consider the theory smashed to bits and the forensics team laughed and said "this could be anything, but I don't have that kind of time".  It kinda feels like watching a break-up over Facebook : He goes radio silence, stays off the grid.  Meanwhile she's going to that Lithuanian restaurant that she kept going on about trying, taking up kayaking with an instructor by the name of "Storm", wearing a new dress and going out - all cries for attention of "Look at me!  See, I never needed you.  You were just holding me back!"

Except she was nearly hospitalized by the bad cepelinai, "Storm" isn't a licensed instructor and that dress was see-through under black light.

It's been a disaster, and the disaster continued this afternoon at the Rebound Ground a.k.a. BMO Field.

7' - GOAL - Wrestler Big Show's brother Conor Casey a.k.a. Medium Show, gets on the end of a cross and heads it over a leaping Bendik.

Fig 1. Two guys I wouldn't want to meet in an alley for a fight

ROBINS 0, ONION 1

27'- YELLOW - Henry for stuff.  Likely deserved it.

43' - GOAL -  Wenger pops it over Bendik in another cross and header thing.  I'm pretty sure that's Philadelphia's only move.
ROBINS 0, ONION 2

43' - SUB - Bekker in for Warner

Half Time mood : thank God that's done with...

68' - SUB - Jackson on for DeRo

77' - SUB - Creavalle comes on for Hagglund.

4 minutes of far too much extra time

Full Time : TORONTO 0, PHILADELPHIA 2

Man of the Match : Gilberto because naming it Bendik is too easy and as a lack of talent before us, he's trying to be the leader,  at least emotionally.

Goat of the Game : raise your hand if you were a defender today.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Maybe because Toronto is kinda bad, it's hard to focus on officiating blunders so they get a pass.

Kit Spotting : Vera Cruz Tiburones Rojos from Mexico and a newer Luton Town kit even though I truly love the idea of a programme vendor wearing a fake kit.

I Am Not the Gaffer But...  : if I were I'd be ordering take out in Bezbatchenko's office and drafting up a strategy.

In Case You PVR'd It : if you like watching mediocre efforts resulting in lots of woodwork smashing, skip the first half and have your finger on  the fast forward button for the second

I'm having a hard time deciding if Bradley is having a nightmare, playing well without the help, frustrated or just terrible.  All outcomes are very plausible... When Maurice Edu touches the ball,  why don't we chant "T.O. Success Story"?... I'm waiting to see Konopka start due to a Bendik injury of a strained vocal chord. Lots of hot tea with lemon and honey I suspect for the copious amount of yelling he must do each match... This slide could not come at a better time as season ticket renewals aren't that far off... Such a nice day at the park. (see, I can say something nice)...  Little shout out to the Red Patch Boy living in Victoria who listens to the Vocal Minority Podcast, thanks for listening homie... I wonder if our tenth manager will finally be "the one".  Often...  Mr. Caldwell, I hope your recovery is going well.  Please do not come back until you are 100%. The thought of you being out longer makes me very sad... Seriously Philly, you've had your turn with Le Toux long enough.  Time to share... Anyone hear if O'Dea is doing well?...  Do other Toronto sports have open discussion post-match on public transit or is this a TFC phenomenon. Interesting theory regarding Leiweke's departure on the GO Train that I hadn't heard: it's focused on the failure of not acquiring the Bills plus Defoe wanted out.  Also suggested that MLS sunk the loan and/or sale of Defoe because it would make the club and league look bad.

Player Ratings : Bendik 8, Hagglund 4.5 [Creavalle N/A] , Orr 5, Henry 5.5, Bloom 5, De Rosario 6 [Jackson N/A], Warner 6 [Bekker 6], Bradley 6, Oduro 6, Moore 6, Gilberto 6.5

 Fig 2. How to get other players to stop making fun of your kit sponsor.

THE MATCHUP: Rocky too

Unleashed!

TORONTO VS. PHILADELPHIA

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET 

TV: TSN 2

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Apollo Creed Testimonial Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**

TORONTO FC

- "Un": Greg Vanney's preference in regards to leashing.

- "DP": The level Michael Bradley needs to play at.

- Ex-Red Maurice Edu, whose transfer fee famously "paid for BMO Field's grass" will be taking 20 square yards of it home with him as per his transfer negotiation.

- "Decimated", "rag-tag", and "by committee" are the leading descriptions for TFC's defensive line for this fixture.

- If Toronto FC go on to lose this home-and-home series they will actually pick up a trophy in the "BIMBO Cup" sponsored by Union's own kit sponsor.

- 6th: Potential place in the Eastern Conference table TFC could hold by Monday

- 4: The games in hand we used to all laugh about. Good times.

PHILADELPHIA UNION:

- Union will be wearing a special patch on their kits to commemorate the departed American legal legend Judge Philip "Uncle Phil" Banks

- It's almost Toronto's turn to sign Sebastien Le Toux.

- "Still not that one": remains the answer to "Fred plays for Philadelphia?"

- "Austin Berry" is both a Union defender and the # 4 highest selling muesli in Texas

- 2 Shots on goal + 2 saves = Zac MacMath

- "of the Snake": Union still more popular than Philadelphia Union.

- In the event of an unlikely TFC 2-0 victory we are selling the headline "BOYZ II MEN 0" to the highest bidder.

*Possibly

**Maybe

AFTER 90: Yo homes, smell ya later!

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK

We apologize for the absence of tonight's post-match report. Sadly, we are suffering from chronic re-occurring writer's block and have flown back to London, England to seek further care. We have it on good advice that flying back-and-forth across the Atlantic is a cure to most ills.

You may have read rumours in tabloid newspapers that we were about to start a new blog called "The Loftusies" - a completely unnecessary QPR site but there is no agreement in place. At least until January. We remain 100% committed to this site and our teammates in the local "negative cesspool" that are TFC blogs and we will be back.  As for tonight - let's guess at 2-1 Philadelphia. Why not?

Off to an Essex nightclub to do more re-hab. See you later this week at an emotional reunion! Deffo.

The Yorkies

THE MATCHUP: Rocky times

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK - WEDNESDAY 7PM ET

TV: TSN 2

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Ivan Drago Testimonial Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**

PHILADELPHIA UNION

- "High": Percentage chance that Maurice Edu will hurt TFC.

- 4: The Rocky sequel that is our greatest guilty pleasure.

- 50/50: Average chance of surviving a night match trip to Chester, Pennsylvania.

- 12: Amount of pounds a cheesesteak outweighs a chip butty by.

- "Not that one": Most popular answer to "Oh, Fred plays for Philadelphia?"

- 7 or 8: About the time when The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air "pulled up to a house"

- "BIMBO" continues to be the most hilariously awesome MLS kit sponsor.

TORONTO FC

- 0:  Minutes Greg Vanney has managed a professional team.

- 90: Minutes left in Greg Vanney's "honeymoon period".

- 100: Percent chance that Ashtone Morgan still exists.

- 14: The maximum age of player that new assistant coach Nick Theslof was coaching until a few days ago.

- 0: Percent chance of Jermain Defoe seeing out his TFC contract.

- Two separate fourteen hour round trips to London, England in one month are shockingly not the most common re-hab practice when nursing a chronically injured groin.

- 30: Points left on the board for TFC. Counting down from now...

Possibly*

Maybe**

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Put some Philly on it

Dr. Phil?

Pre-season isn't just for players you know. Us hard-hitting investigative journalists/punmonkeys need to get ready for this season as well. So, while our Eff Cee's took on the Union down in Orlando, we decided to multitask and host a Q&A with some of Philadelphia's leading personalities about the upcoming season...

THE YORKIES: There was a brief war of words between the front offices of TFC and Philadelphia Union, do you see this stoking a greater rivalry between the two clubs?

ROCKY BALBOA - EX-HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER: "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"

THE YORKIES: Union have been in a building mode for the last few seasons, has the reason for the lack of silverware been a tactical issue or is there something else holding the club back?

THE FRESH PRINCE - MUSICIAN/TRAVELLER: "Parents just don't understand."

THE YORKIES: TFC have made some major signings this year. Who do you see having the most significant impact in 2014?

HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE - LOCAL STORYTELLER/DOCTOR: "You seeeeee, let me tell you about the soccerrr and the balls in whatchamacallit! The pudding pops! Mmmmmmm!" (Rolled his eyes for 30-40 seconds) "Theoooooo!"

THE YORKIES: Are American fans upset at Michael Bradley signing with Toronto over an American destination?

A CHEESESTEAK - LOCAL SANDWICH/HERO: "Squoooooge, slrrrrrrplop"

THE YORKIES: Do you feel that the 4-4-2 as often played by both TFC and Union is an outdated tactic in the modern football environment?

THE PHILLIE PHANATIC - SPORTS PERSONALITY/GREEN: "HOOOOONK!!!"

THE YORKIES: Care to elaborate?

THE PHILLIE PHANATIC: "Honk. Honk honk. HOOOOONK!"

THE YORKIES: How close do you think Philadelphia and Toronto will be in the Eastern Conference playoff picture?

IVAN DRAGO - INTERNATIONAL SPORTSMAN: "To the end."

THE YORKIES: Interesting. Which club has a better chance?

IVAN DRAGO: "You will lose."

THE YORKIES: Thank you for your time today.

IVAN DRAGO: "I must break you."

THE YORKIES: Oh. I see. We'll be off then.

THE YORKIES: Is there a player we should be looking at to have a breakthrough season with Union in 2014?

MUSHMOUTH - FORMER 'COSBY KIDS' GANG MEMBER/COMMUNITY ACTIVIST: "Hubbudah bubba, hubba wubba. Dubbubbudah.. Also watch out for hubbubbudah."

THE YORKIES: What impact do you think the World Cup break will have on the performance levels and chemistry of MLS clubs this summer?

PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE - SPREAD: "Fllllllrrrrppppthh."

We thank our colleagues in the Philadelphia sporting scene for these illuminating insights.

FINAL: PHILADELPHIA 0 - TORONTO 0



AFTER 90: Leiwekes Just Don't Understand

Which one of you is Cassano and which one is Adebayor?

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK

 

Let's face it Jazzy Jeffs, this season hasn't been fresh since April. If TFC had a mom it would have long been scared and moved the club with it's Auntie and Uncle in the NASL. Alas, we don't have a benevolent Uncle Phil to set us straight, just a President that has sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville and Bel-Air, so chances are high we'll be right here next year as well. Hey maybe we can get our wacky cousin to move in. Carlton! Cole.

In the meantime, our annual meaningless trip to the Suburb of Brotherly Love gives us the chance to whip out some local flavour... our Fresh Prince theme tune! If you came here for match analysis... you need to ask yourself some deep questions about your life choices. Enjoy!

 

 

''THE FRESH TIM OF HOT-AIR"

Now this is the story, call it a fable

Another year spent at the foot of the table

And we'd like to take a minute, we won't be mean

We'll tell you The Reds will be the same in 2014

 

Southwest of Philadelphia a crap game played

On defence is where they spent much of the day

Long balls, hacking, passing like fools

Tactically inept with no talent pool

 

We've got a couple of guys, they are just sort of good

The rest should be benched like other clubs would

2013 is ending just like all other years

We say "The only way to watch it is drink lots of beers"

 

Now Leiweke's in town and yells "Have no fear!"

"Things will be different this time next year"

If anything we could say we've heard this before

But this fool will blow cash on Adebayor!

 

So we're waiting 'til New Year to buy our tickets

Yelling at T-Bez "You've signed the next Rohan Ricketts!"

Safe in the knowledge. we'll be sad in the stands

To watch Ryan Nelsen's brand new 5-Year Plan

 

 

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Uncle Phil



THE MATCHUP: In a state at the Union

Mayor of Chester, Pennsylvania - the Honorable Paulie Pennino

 

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO
　

PPL PARK - SATURDAY 7:30 PM ET

TV: TSN2

 

THE KICKABOUT:

Successful MLS Expansion club? CHECK

Intimate waterfront stadium? CHECK

Rabid supporters? CHECK

In the midst of exciting October playoff race? CHECK

Toronto FC? CHECK

 

As if to poke Toronto supporters gently and repeatedly in the eyeball, The Reds are off to the suburb of Brotherly Love to face a club that is in a position that TFC should be in. At the very least. The fourth-year Union have had success; have had hard times; have bounced back-and-forth in true MLS fashion.

 

Toronto FC promise next year will be different? CHECK

Next year will not be different? CHECK

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Union Movement"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

PHILADELPHIA: Conor Casey, Zac MacMath, Jack McInerney,

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Steven Caldwell, Bright Dike

THE ODDS:

TFC impersonating the following Philly legends:

- Rocky's Uncle Paulie drunk with allocation cash: 50-1

- The Fresh Prince getting in one little fight: 25-1

- A cheesesteak falling behind a couch and being forgotten for seven years: 2-1

 

WHO ARE YA?



One of the best things about waking up in Philly on a Saturday morn is getting to catch the latest episode of local kid's TV favourite "Jack, Mack & Ernie". Here's a preview of this week's show!

JACK: Today's show is brought to us by the number 8 and the letters D, P and L!!!
MACK: What can we spell with D and P guys?
ERNIE: Double puppet penet-
JACK: Shut up Ernie you filth monger!
MACK: I heard that D is for Designated and P is for Players!
JACK: That's right gang! And 8 is for finally getting it right after 8 years!
ERNIE: Should see what I 8 last night.
MACK: Huh? What?
ERNIE: Yo mamma.
JACK: Ernie! Language!
MACK: (Crying gently) What's the L for?
JACK: L is for Lying about DP's fixing things after 8 years which makes the Baby Jesus cry.
ERNIE: Should have stuck with my DP idea.

MACK: (Sobbing) I don't even know what that means!

ERNIE: Ask your mom to show you the video from last night.

MACK: WAAAAAA!!!

JACK: I f*cking quit.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "ZOLOS THUMP BOZOS"

And... Since "Jack, Mack & Ernie" have been put on emergency hiatus, here is a video of their cousins from down the street singing a nice children's song...

 

No need to Koef up lead

We feel your painsh



In a season bereft of feel-good moments, the 86th minute of last Saturday's match against Union was welcome respite for a few of the Toronto FC faithful. After a 10-month lay-off, the club's potent striker and fan favourite Danny Koevermans entered the match to much fanfare and good tidings. But why?
　
While the return of the burly Dutchman has been anticipated for ages in these parts, with his reappearance being regarded in some circles at a Messianic level, this was simply a poor footballing decision. With about 10 minutes to hang on to a slim lead with only 10 men on the pitch, introducing a lumbering striker fresh off an ACL rehab was extremely questionable. And that is being kind.
　
So why the rush? While there is no doubt that Koef needed a run out in first team action, this was not the time. Yes, he has a lethal touch when the ball is at his feet but Koevermans will never be accused of having pace. However long Koef's tenure remains with TFC it will only be successful if he is played as part of a striking tandem where he plays the role of poaching target man. At his age and with the residual ring-rust of nearly a year away from play, using him as anything more than a fairly lethal tank is useless.
　
With TFC's regularly scheduled late-match collapses now an accepted fact of life, bringing in a player of his skill-set in the 86th minute put the club even further behind the 8-ball - virtually playing with 9 1/2 men on the defensive side. When Jack McInerney grabbed the inevitable equalizer in stoppage time, Koef was indeed one of the ball-watchers on the play, although in fairness it was your usual "All For One" collapse.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Philadelphia... or Sharing is Caring

In this very special episode, the boys Jack, Mack and Ernie learn what it means to share amongst friends, even when one of them is being a jerk.

13' - Someone's rolling around on the pitch... look like Honduras, play like Honduras.

27' - YELLOW - Henry nearly subtracts MacMath with a right cross, but he misses and gets booked for a wee fistycuffs.  So does MacMath.

And now The Yorkies proudly present excerpts of the script from the acclaimed Saturday morning puppet show Jack, Mack & Ernie, Episode 713 entitled "Sharing is Caring".
 

ACT I

MACK: Why are you pushing me around? I didn't push you, why are you being a jerk?

ERNIE: You need to toughen the f**k up son. The world is a cold, cruel place, and you need to develop a little bit of backbone.

JACK: You guys, just apologize and everything will be OoooooKAY! *big smile*

ERNIE: No sunshine, not this time. Mack, if someone pushes you *shove* what do you do? Cry like a coward?

MACK: I don't want to do this!

ERNIE: Life is tough. Stop being a princess and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF YOU SPINELESS DOUCHE!

39' - RED - Henry gets a second yellow for a last ditch tackle from behind and gets no ball.

45' - SUB - Silva off for Morgan

60' - SUB - Brockie comes on for Earnshaw

61' - Convey gets his head to a set piece and just sails over the crossbar

ACT II

MACK: Guys, I saw a poster for a lost puppy, and the reward is 3 pieces of candy.

JACK: Oooh, this sounds like fun. We should go and look for it. I bet it's in the park.

ERNIE: Well, you're in luck. I have nothing better to do. I'm in.

The boys make their way to the local park

JACK: Let's split up. Surely we'll find the puppy faster!

ERNIE: I'm going in this direction. Don't. Follow. Me.

MACK: I hope I find the puppy. What if it's lost? And scared? And cold? And shaking?

JACK: The puppy will be happy to see you! If you find it, just take it back to it's owners! They will be very grateful for their doggie's safe return.

MACK: Ooh... OK.

JACK: Alright then. I'm going to head this way. Good luck.

Mack starts looking around a shrub

MACK: Oh, I hope the puppy is OK. I don't know what I'd do if it was my puppy. I'd be scared of losing her... hey, what's this?

Mack moves some brush and finds a puppy who's leash is caught in a branch

MACK: Oh, hey little puppy. Don't be scared. I'll take you back to your mommy and daddy right now where you'll be safe.

66' - GOAL - Brockie floats a nice cross that finds the lunging head of Osorio and buries it

ROBINS 1, ONION 0

76' - YELLOW - Laba gets booked for a rough tackle to slow down a counter attack.

86' - SUB - What can only be described as symbolic and unnecessary, Koevermans comes back from long-term injury and Brockie comes off

Quote of the Match:

He just got Wiederman'd

~ @kzknowles calling it

ACT III

JACK: Mack, you got all that candy as a gift for finding the puppy that we helped finding. If I were you, I'd let you have some of it...

ERNIE: Look! Don't be a d**k. You got a f**king bag of candy, with three pieces, and you're not gonna share? I'm a jerk but even I would let you guys have some even if you piss me off every other chance you get!

MACK: Ernie, Mack. You're right. I was afraid if I gave you some, well, there'd be none left for me, but we can share all of the candy, and there will still be plenty for me. Having all three would be nice, but I will settle for just one. One for you Ernie...

ERNIE: About f**king time! Thank you, jackass

MACK: You're welcome. And one for you Mack

JACK: Oh thank you! That made my day! Don't you just love sharing? Especially with your best friends!

Tune in for the next special episode of Jack, Mack & Ernie where the boys surely learn about the hazards of CHOKING

90' - GOAL - Cross, lame clearance, Jack McInerney, 10th of his rookie season. Why not share the points?

ROBINS 1, ONION 1

FULL TIME : TORONTO 1, PHILADELPHIA 1

Man of the Match : Osorio but I almost wanted to give it to Brockie for actually crossing it properly for a goal to be scored.

Goat of the Game :  Silva for his two bouts of stage fright when the side needed a shot to be taken.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Not a great game, not a terrible one.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I didn't fully understand the symbolism of Koevermans coming on the pitch.  Not when the side is NOTORIOUS for last minute choking shenanigans and they're only up by one.  I am a huge fan of Koevermans, but playing the headlines and not the scoreline bothered me.  Brockie did well for his limited time on the pitch, but if he's coming off, another defender should be coming on.  Also, him coming on on a slick pitch with two wonky knees might not have been the best move either.

Kit Spotting : Saw a Boca Juniors kit, but the unique one has to go with @the2ndyellow's Falkirk (training?) kit. Woulda spotted that spire badge easily.  Honourable mention goes to the gentlemen wearing the Zenit St. Petersburg scarf.

I am beginning to see the benefit of ditching to "beat the traffic".  It's kinda like leaving the film before the hero tragically dies, or the twist ending upsets you.  That part of you that triggers you consciousness to tell you "hey, your serotonin levels are as good as they're going to get from this match.  Now is a good time to leave" around the 85th minute mark.  My frustration would be much lower because I would not have witnessed the act of donating the points to the visitors so often.

Also, I wonder how many people would like to have a "smart ass"section in the stadium.  Yesterday, football aside, was a great time.  Made new friends, swore, met a kid who's a Liverpool supporter who wears a Manchester United kit because "they're my Champions League team" (that happened).  We just shouted and heckled and laughed all game.  I can't imagine there'd be much of a movement but our new digs at the top of 117 are a hoot.  If you need a laugh, come find us.  No flags, no Dichio songs, no mob mentality.  Just fun.

@ignirtoq can now attest that script writing is a pain in the ass. Thankfully TFC doesn't play Philly again until October.

THE MATCHUP: Union. Due.

Layers.



TORONTO VS. PHILADELPHIA
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 6PM ET
TV: TSN2
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Almost exactly two years ago, Philadelphia Union dropped by BMO Field to lay down a 6-2 beating on TFC that is still one of the most humiliating of The Reds' (many) home defeats. It was a tough afternoon for those in attendance with many leaving with the feeling that "things can't get much worse". Sooooooo... yeah.
　
With 1 win in 26 and more turnover than Pillsbury, you would be hard-pressed to find too many supporters who think things have improved in the last 730 days. TFC go into this latest match with their usual battery of walking wounded including Richard Eckersley who will miss at least another four weeks and the now unlikely return of "De Great White Hopesh" Danny Koevermans. Of course, the fact that the club is quietly portraying a 34-year-old, portly, injury-riddled striker as the Messiah to cure all ills may prove that things don't really change all that much round these parts.
　
MANUFATURED DERBY NAME:
"The Danny Califf Testimonial Match"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Jeremy Brockie, Robert Earnshaw, Matias Laba
PHILADELPHIA: Sebastien Le Toux, Zac MacMath, Jack McInerney
　
THE ODDS:
Danny Califf's mysterious "virus" causing these symptoms:
- "Kiwi-Aversion": 5-1
- "Poor Depth Chart Perception": 3-1
- "Union Cravings": 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Here at The Yorkies, we are nothing if not a high-end animation studio. As one of the Top 10 MLS-inspired cartoon producers in our row at BMO Field, we are proud to bring you the latest hit, based on the true story* (*not a true story) of the life of Union forward Jack McInerney...

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC STRIKERS IRONICALLY FAIL TO BUST UNION"

THE STARTING 11: Philadelphia wordplay we managed to resist

On loan from QPR



We know what we are. We have an ounce of self-awareness that we dabble often in the dark arts of punnage and hackneyed gagging. It is our chip butty bread and butter. See? Of all MLS fixtures, we find the Philadelphia matchups the hardest when it comes to resisting temptation of woeful wordsmithing. Philly offers so many rich veins to tap - from Fresh Princeses, Cosbys (Cosbi?), Brother Loving, both cheese and steaks and of course Rockybalboas. Despite our love of phraseturning, we did manage to ignore these sitters this past weekend. Set eyes to "roll"...
　
11. "Chester Cheat-oh's"
　
10. "Reds get off to a Rocky start""
　
9. "Le Toux legit to quit"
　
8. "Hey Farfan. Hey Farfan. Why don't you come home with a real team?"
　
7. Nah, nah, nah, Ali Gerba - Hey! Hey! Hey!"
　
6. "Sideline analysis from ADRIAAAAAAAN Serioux"
　
5. "Huxtable sweater kits"
　
4. "Hoagie Ephraim"
　
3. "Referees just don't understand"
　
2. "If we tie... we tie"
　
1. "Bendik got in one little foul and we all got scared, but the goal was disallowed which we all found fair"

THE SOUTH COUCH REPORT : Philadelphia v Toronto... or is this the one where they come together?

Ahhhh... the best seat in the house.  This feels nice.  I'm finally at home for an away game, which sounds like an oxymoron, but I assure you is correct.  The majority of you who are watching it are either in the same predicament, or are enjoying your footie with a pint or two, perhaps some wings or nachos, at your local.  Either way, bask in the comforts.

Though failing to resist writing the following line: Toronto are a mere 2 points out of a playoff spot, with only 29 matches remaining *gasp!*.  Apologies to all, as the filler/preamble feels mandatory.

Starting XI

Bendik

Russell - Agbossoumonde - O'Dea - Morgan

Lambe - Silva - Hall - Ephraim

Braun - Earnshaw

Very happy to see some change in the lineup.  Braun getting a deserved start, and Bostock getting a bumping.  Still not sold on Ephraim, but perhaps his role on the wing will finally pay dividends as his centre forward/central attacking midfield role didn't impress all too much.

5' - SUB - Russell is hamstrung (hamstring injury) and Richter makes his Robins debut #shitPun

8' - The Philadelphia ABC affiliate play by play guys really like talking about the trio of Jack, Mack and Ernie.  Why haven't I heard of them before?  Sounds like a kids TV show with puppets... Editor's note : he's referencing the Union forward Jack McInerney and the author may have a learning disability, but the tests have been, thus far, inconclusive.

15' - Nice service to see a through ball to Earnshaw who pokes it in, but was a foot or two offside.

21' - Lambe couldn't control the cross in from Earnshaw, after a good battle holding off a few defenders.

21' - YELLOW - Morgan goes into the books for desperately holding off a counter attack.  Not a bad move, to be honest.

27' - Two BIG stops by Bendik, diving stop on a Casey attempt, and a second one from Cruz.  Damn.

44' - Silva free kick from 30 yards out, O'Dea gets up for it but heads it just wide of goal.

Half-Time Mood : Satisfied.  The defenders are not perfect, but not caught out. Some creativity from the front.  Hard to tell if Philadelphia is a little toothless or if Toronto is handling them.

52' - Silva with his back to goal 6 yards out takes a long throw-in, gets pulled to ground and the ref doesn't seem to think that was a foul.

54' - Casey is sniffing for a goal, but Bendik keeps making critical stops.

61' - Pushy pushy, shovvy shovvy.  No bookings but the ref appears to be having a symposium on behavior.

65' - Earshaw puts a long cross over the box, finding Silva on the other side who tries to snap-kick it back into goal, but nothing.

67' - YELLOW - Agbossoumonde goes down for taking out the three players.  Jack, Mack and Ernie are all fine.

69' - Philly pressures with some keepy-uppy in the box and it sits at the feet of unmarked Le Toux who puts the ball into the river behind the ground.

For those that don't know, 'the river' is Philadelphia's version of 'the Food building'.

71' - GOAL - MacMath clears the goal, picked up at half by Morgan who pops it over the backline and beautifully chipped by Earnshaw.  Magic!  Something out of nothing! (it's just a song...)
ONION 0, ROBINS 1

73' - SUB - Osorio comes in for Silva.  Well, better than seeing Bostock, all things considered.

74' - YELLOW - Ephraim goes into the books for pushing and shoving a Philly player trying to make a throw in.  No less the gamesmanship that Philly has participated in so far.

74' - YELLOW - O'Dea tackles from behind.  That was a fair booking.

81' - YELLOW - Bendik for time wasting.  I guess...

85' - SUB - Bostock comes on for Earnshaw.  Why not, he's ran his ass off.

87' - Kleberson has a go from the edge of the box and Bendik goes full extension to stop that one.

88' - RED - Morgan gets his second yellow for a weak call.  50-50 collision in the air.  Terrible call.

89' - Ensuing free kick Bendik doesn't quite catch it, but gets bailed out by the ref.  Jack, Mack and Ernie interfere with Bendik gathering the ball and pokes it in.

5 minutes of extra time

90+2' - Corner kick pinball finds the foot of Casey who fires it from 8 yards out and Bendik stops another one.

90+3' - GOAL - Not fair.  Just not fair.  Ball floats across the box and finds the trio of Jack, Mack and Ernie (which only looked like one guy) unmarked who pokes it past Bendik.
ONION 1, ROBINS 1

90+7' - Kleberson sends Antoine Hoppenot in on goal and Bendik charges out and stone cold stops him.

Full Time : PHILADELPHIA 1, TORONTO 1

Man of the Match : Bendik without question. You cannot put a reasonable argument forward for anyone else on the pitch.  Possibly the league. I wanna see him in the FIFA13 Ultimate Team of the Week as players have done less to earn that honour.  Morgan has played very well, and Earnshaw too.

Goat of the Game : The ref.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  He should've been a 1, but he handed us the point by disallowing the 89th minute attempt.  I didn't like the challenge on Bendik, but he didn't have enough control for me to feel he was fouled on, but I am not a ref.  The second yellow on Morgan was a terrible call but calling a goal-line foul might have been an attempt to restore balance (which is arguably too late after that many cards.

Revised Ref Rating : 1 out of 5.  Self-argued the officials down a point after further review.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : nothing.  Originally felt that one of the carded players should have come off, but with the early injury, Nelsen couldn't afford to spend it on one of them.

First half was boring, second half was fantastic television... Saw enough positives from Ephraim that I couldn't write anything disparaging about him, so that's a plus... O'Dea looked like he was doing his best Eckersley impression because he seemed to be everywhere on the pitch... Never one to give props to MLS for something, but I will give them props for their free streaming match of the week, even circumventing blackouts.  It was amusing to be able to hear the director of the match giving direction throughout the match... Toronto looked composed.  They were far from perfect but you can see the chemistry starting to truly take place... Pro : cheap drinks.  Con : running commentary only on BlackBerry Messenger.  Not the same.

 :: SPONSOR ::

Player Ratings : Bendik 10, Russell N/A [Richter 6], Agbossoumonde 6.5, O'Dea 7, Morgan 7, Lambe 6, Silva 6.5 [Osorio N/A], Hall 6, Ephraim 6, Braun 6, Earnshaw 7 [Bostock N/A]

@ignirtoq is starting a fansite when this show starts up.  Probably a tumblr account.  Is a fan of puppets as evidenced by his love of Muppets, Avenue Q and the latest episode of Community.

THE MATCHUP: "Breaking You" - Since 2007

If we die. We die.



PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO

THE KICKABOUT:
What better fixture for Toronto FC to test their new hungry, young squad than against the fighting town of Philadelphia and the scrappy Union? Going toe-to-toe against the birthplace of famous pugilist Roccolino "Rocky" Benito Balboa, for us, means this match can go one of five ways:

I: The Reds will spend the day jogging through Chester before having a massive battle with Union which sees them fight bravely but lose bloodied yet respected.
II: In their 2013 sequel to 2012's match vs. Union, the better trained Reds with their hard-punching new tactics shock the Union with a late match knockout. Manager growls a lot in New Zealish.
III: The triumphant Reds are set to unveil a statue of Danny Dichio at their new training complex when a gold-chain wearing Sebastien Le Toux shows up and tells TFC's wife that he'll "show her a real man". A melee ensues before Union beat on a bloated TFC. Reds later even the score. Draw.
IV: Ex-Toronto defender Maxim Usanov shows up for the match. TFC takes five minutes to enter the field to a musical montage before an angered Usanov punches Jim Brennan into oblivion. TFC later go to Nunavut to train in a cabin.
V, VI, VII: Nobody bothers to watch. Italian Stallion signs for Montreal as a DP.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Showtime at the Apollo Creed"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
PHILADELPHIA: Brian Carroll, Gabriel Farfan, Sebastien Le Toux
TORONTO: Danny Califf, Jonathan Osorio, Luis Silva

THE ODDS:
- People unhappy this wasn't another Fresh Prince tribute: 2-1
- TFC signing Uncle Paulie on loan: 5-1
- Philadelphia Union entering the pitch on rising platform from beneath the stadium as Jacob Peterson sings "Living in America" while dressed as Uncle Sam: 10-1

WHO ARE YA?
PPL Park is located in the suburban Philadelphia city of Chester. Founded in 1976 by a group of down-on-their-luck Italian-Americans, the area was once famous for its hand-beaten sides of beef, many steps and independently-owned pet shops. Despite losing its lustre in the 1990's, the modern city has rebounded as a leader in Robot Butler technology. Despite a well-documented prejudice against Soviets, the area has re-branded itself (six times) and is led by brutal Mayor James Clubber Lang.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
"WE GOT BROKEN"

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Smell you later

Backwards hat? Check. Fluent German? Sure. Why not?

 

Those of you who are regulars here (Pete, Steve - how's the wife?) know that we are physically, dare I say spiritually, unable to pass up the opportunity to "Fresh'n" up the site when we face Philadelphia. We just can't seem to resist the temptation to honour the City of Brotherly Love's greatest ever citizen who was in fact born, and yes, raised there. In fact... on the playground is indeed where he spent the majority of his days.

However, this site is first and foremost a kafka-esque playhouse of football-related malarkey- serious sports news outlet, so we must mesh the pressing stories surrounding Toronto FC with this aforementioned spiritual journey/Carlton. With that in mind we present you with a topical tome, followed by some-nonsense hard-hitting sports analysis on Philadelphia v Toronto live from O-Town, FLA.

"The Fresh Frings of Werd-air"

Now this ist die story all about how
Meine life got flipped, turned upside down
Und I'd like to take ein minute just wait und see
I'll tell you how my contract ends at Toronto FC

At Werder Bremen is where I played
In Weserstadion where I spent most of meine days
Cap back, tattooed und looking quite mean
Shooting der free kicks in a kit dass was green
When a couple of guys, Winter und de Klerk
Started making offers for some new kind of work
I got on one little flight und joined a club that's a mess
And said "I'll finish meine career in der M.L und S."

I played at der BMO for nearly two years
We barely won a match und could hear der fans jeer
Injured und older but still mit long hair
I played out last season under Paul Marin-air!

I pulled up in Orlando, saw a squad not-so-great
Und I told Payne und Nelly "Yo, homes smell you later!"
Look at my hip, it does not have one more season
It's time to go home, just say "personal reasons..."

Now to the business at hand, if your hand is in Orlando or on your computer's mouse. Those striker-phobic Reds face Union in what is possibly their final Mickey Mouse Cup match of 2013. Just for shiggles, TFC ended the trial of Argentine winger Nicolas Cabrera but added two new trilaists with even less pedigree. Joining the club is Norwegian/NCAA defensive "prospect" Henrik "Norwegian Nickname" Robstad whose claim to fame is leaving school and being cut at San Jose Earthquakes camp; and, sometime Canadian international central midfielder - and most recent superstar of the German third tier - Jonathan Beaulieu-"Beef"-Bourgault. Well... colour us... um... perplexed.

 

Meanwhile, TFC management's quest "southwards" (no doubt scouting for all positions except forwards) must have gone past South America, over the South Pole and is headed back towards Canada. You're on the clock Greenland League players. To the "action"...

 

KICK-OFF: Sound and vision intact on a very blustery Disney day. If Daffy Duck wore trousers they would have blown off

5' - Trialist getting a chance today with Taylor Morgan and Ashton Bennett looking lively early on

8' - GOAL: Philadelphia - French-born Antoine Hoppenot slices through TFC defence like hot knife through brie. Tres easy.

PHILADELPHIA 1 - TORONTO 0

15' - Is "Up shit creek without a striker" a trademarked phrase?

20' - Emery Welshman beats his defender in the box and lays it off to open man... Jeremy Hall... do we need to write the rest?

25' - In addition to lack of anything close to finishing from TFC, physical domination by Philadelphia is not inspiring

30' - The Wide World of Sports "stadium" may be minor league but it has two things over BMO Field - a roof and a food truck named Yum Yum's

41' - GOAL: Philadelphia - So easy for Roger Torres to make his way through a TFC defence very guilty of ball-watching

PHILADELPHIA 2 - TORONTO 0

45' - If things are supposed to get better through pre-season, TFC didn't get the memo. Arguably their worst half so far this spring. Bad at both ends. Unlike a lunch from Yum Yum's.


HALFTIME: PHILADELPHIA 2 - TORONTO 0

 45' - No changes to start the 2nd Half... since the 1st Half was such a fine tuned footballing machine. Apparently.

51' - GOAL: Philadelphia - Union trialist Matt Kassel jumps all over a miserable TFC defensive clearance to put Philly up by three. Ugly.

PHILADELPHIA 3 - TORONTO 0

57' - Luis Silva with the closest thing to a scoring opportunity. And that is generous.

60' - In retrospect, watching Disney characters fight the wind would have been more fun. Looking at you Winnie The Pooh

64' - Wholesale changes for TFC as the likes of Kyle Bekker, Andrew Wiedeman and Reggie Lambe join the "battle" along with a debut for Jonathan Beaulieu-Beef-Bourgault

69' - Danny Califf and "Slappa De" Bassi on for Gale Agbossoumonde and Darren O'Dea. Why Califf and O'Dea are not working on their partnership is obviously beyond our feeble football minds

72' - The subs keep rolling (meatball for me please) as Justin Braun takes over as THE ONLY TORONTO FC STRIKER for Taylor Morgan
80' - Justin Braun with a chance. Seemed newsworthy.

85' - If TFC had an auntie and uncle in Bel-Air... they'd be on a plane by now
FINAL WHISTLE: For those of you who get their post-match wrap-up by reading this over sitting through the online stream... you're welcome. You were able to avoid watching TFC give their worst spring performance so far and resembling the worst parts of TFC 2012. Except without an actual recognized striker. Yes, we still see the silver linings of being patient and not panic buying... but c'mon. There has to be a point, when all the teams around TFC seem very able to buy players, where The Reds go out and pick up some actual reinforcements. If today's team goes into opening day, a lot of supporters with a justified lack of patience, will be extremely upset.

FULL TIME: PHILADELPHIA 3 - TORONTO 0

And... while you sit on your throne here is Der Prinz von Bel Air... 

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Philadelphia... or That game where we got to sit

I don't even know where to begin with this one, mostly due to the fact that it is such a common occurrence that it barely phases me when it does happen.  Typically I write this part down pre-match, but I did not today.

Con : The Gardiner was closed.
Pro : At least the weather was nice.

23' - YELLOW - Hassli booked for... ok crap I can't remember and to be honest, I wish I had brought the notepad with me.

Half-time Mood : Optimstic if a wee bit underwhelmed.  Silva had a pile of opportunities, ranging from just wide to deGoo levels of over the bar.  Philadelphia was largely without teeth though they did break through a few times.

58' - GOAL - A bit of rebounds about the box and Hassli lets a low skidding shot past a few defenders and a diving keeper, tucked nicely into the corner. Class goal.
ROBINS 1, ONION 0

75' - This is the part of the match where Toronto decides that they've done enough and kindly allow Philly the opportunity to get back into the match.  Usually we let the refs do that for us, but just in case they forgot to, we'll kindly uphold our end of the bargain.  Let the onslaught commence!

80' - SUB - Hassli takes quite the knock and once the little scuffle surrounding it died down, he makes way for Amarikwa.

81' - I ask what kind of a DP we can get for the last few games of the season.  Just in case...

84' - YELLOW - After Toronto had one of theirs bowled over in a rough tackle and no foul, Jeremy Hall returns the favour to test the waters and goes into the books for his troubles.

85' - GOAL - This is the part of the match where our opponents are back into the match.  Sheanon Williams gets a hold of one that bounces past everyone.
ROBINS 1, ONION 1

Full Time : Toronto 1, Philadelphia 1

Man of the Match : There was some hustle out there today but I'm going to cop out and give it to Hassli for the calm finishing.

Goat of the Game : I didn't get to see if anyone can be hung out to dry on the equalizing goal as it happened in the opposite end.  But if it was one person, their name would go right here.  Otherwise, the last 15 minutes of TFC play is the goat, which would implicate everyone.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  Some of his calls were inconsistent.  But he was rocking the hell out of the spray can marking up the pitch with it and I like that stuff.  As far as officiating crews, we've seen far worse this month than these guys...

Our part-time neighbour Lattes handed this flyer (see right) to us just outside of the GO Station pre-game.  We here at the Yorkies have been "no gear, no beer" every year without fear you hear (sorry... *ahem*) for quite some time.  We support this campaign 100% if only for the reason that no one should ever spend $12 for a $5 beer... If Mariner only played those who are showing heart and a desire to play for this club, the 'who' question isn't as important as 'why'... Kurt Larson at The Sun reported earlier today regarding a ticket pricing scheme that rewards loyalty.  I'm sure we'll all have our butts thoroughly kissed over a 5%-7% drop.  Yes, marketing gurus, this is an open challenge to shock me and not screw up my community (see bottom for rant)... Did anyone else feel bad for the players as they came out on the pitch this afternoon? I don't know why this came over me.  It's like you know you're not going to graduate this year and it's only February so you just go through the motions and scrape together your pride and try not to drop out altogether... Happy to see Sons of Ben make it out today.  Both of them looked happy...

Observation : That's two games in a row with a dead south end atmosphere.  For all the 'everybody get the f*ck up's and 'ole ole ole's being barked at, the "Toronto Til I Die" people seem to be, well, dead.

Support is not a phrase, or a song, or a t-shirt, or a scarf, or a road trip.  It's what you do.  Everyone expresses it differently, but as long as we can all agree that it is 'supporting', no one is right or wrong, as long as you do it in your way.

The amusement stems from the people barking at us in June to participate are visibly and vocally absent in September.  No idea at how many games it has been in a row, but it's been many.  Perhaps maybe they're ill, or there's been a tragedy, or something very important keeps them from the ground.  It happens to all of us from time to time.

But you can't help the convenience of this one.

We support the team by paying our tickets and showing up.  We support by standing in the south end.  We support by singing when we feel like it, such as when they do something good.  When the game is good, we hang on every pass and live and die on every shot.  We're here for the football first.  Not TFC, but for a high-ish level of football.  We genuinely like football.

We suspect that there are many who come 'for the party', and we suspect that there are some who believe that they are an integral part in the game with a specific role as 'voice #55'.  We suspect there are many who love football like we do, and the last few games have had those who love the game in attendance for as many games that logic and reason permits.  We are the 'football til I die' crowd.

If those people who have been absent for the last few games are part of the 'Toronto til I die' group, then I cannot miss them.  I hope the 'football til I die' types step up and replace them.  I think there will be a healthier culture in the south end.

Player Ratings : Kocic 6, Hall 6, Eckersley 6, O'Dea 6.5, Emory 5.5, Lambe 5.5, Maund 5.5, Dunfield 6, Johnson 6; Silva 6, Hassli 6.5 [Amarikwa N/A]

THE MATCHUP: In a state against Union

"I almost caught a foundation thiiiiiis big!"

TORONTO VS. PHILADELPHIA
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Morale in these football parts really couldn’t be much lower right now. The disappointing result for Canada in Panama was followed by a TFC performance against Chicago in midweek that was simply crappy. Hardly our finest bit of writing but crappy sums it up. Poor on the pitch, (understandably) apathetic in the stands - it hasn't been a good week in Toronto.
　
Paul Mariner downgraded his pre-match "we're very close" optimism down to "unacceptable" after Chicago left town and Darren O'Dea - quickly turning into a vocal leader - decried some of his teammate’s unprofessionalism in the match. All of this has just piled on to the sinking feeling many TFC fans (who already hadn't felt it) have about their club. What is worse is that prospects for the future no longer hold any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. Confidence in yet another re-build is close to non-existent in the stands.
　
Ironically, it is Philadelphia Union who come to town on Saturday. While the third year team has had its struggles this season, they are a club who this time last year (in their second year of existence) was preparing for the playoffs. Tom Anselmi's new fallacy is to claim TFC has been garbage for six years because unlike Vancouver, Montreal and Seattle etc. - we had no "foundations" in place. While this is largely based on make-believe fairy dust (a USL infrastructure is not MLS ready) - how long does an MLS "foundation" take to build Mr. C.O.O.? In our six years, most of the expansion teams who have followed us have left us behind and those without these mythical foundations, like the visiting Union, have proven that Mr. Anselmi has once again talked about something he has no right to talk about... football.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The "Clubs With No Foundations Foundation' Charity Match"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Ryan Johnson, Darren O'Dea, Luis Silva
PHILADELPHIA: Freddy Adu, Michael Lahoud, Carlos Valdes
　
THE ODDS:
Paul Mariner describing TFC's prospects at these intervals as such:
PRE-MATCH... "Not far from success!": 10-1
HALFTIME... "Some holes to fill for next season": 5-1
FULL TIME... "Plymouth Argyle's poor cousin": 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Regular readers will know the stereotype-milking joy that a Philadelphia fixture brings us. The City of Brotherly Love has some great characters but since the mood round these parts is rather ill mannered we will instead look at a project we are producing for next year...
　
"PHILLY: THE MOVIE"... This is a heart-warming tale of a courageous but disease-ridden cheesesteak sandwich named Jeff who is unfairly dismissed from his job as a member of Fat Albert's gang of Cosby Kids. Determined to find justice, Jeff accepts a challenge to fight against Ivan Drago on Christmas Day after the Soviet kills his best friend... The Liberty Bell. After a shocking victory which sees the Moscow crowd chant his name, Jeff returns home to find that his Uncle - The Philly Phanatic - has lost all his money betting on a fight between Rick Mahorn and Randall Cunningham. After this final setback, Jeff's mother gets scared and moves the sandwich in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC LAUNCHES 'NO HEART FOUNDATION'"

And... Since it's Friday and we're feeling angry... and, since we are ill-mannered and support a team with no Plan B... and, since a portion of The Yorkies grew up on Council Estates... and, since the South Stand may resemble this in a year's time...