THE MATCHUP: "Breaking You" - Since 2007

If we die. We die.



PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO

THE KICKABOUT:
What better fixture for Toronto FC to test their new hungry, young squad than against the fighting town of Philadelphia and the scrappy Union? Going toe-to-toe against the birthplace of famous pugilist Roccolino "Rocky" Benito Balboa, for us, means this match can go one of five ways:

I: The Reds will spend the day jogging through Chester before having a massive battle with Union which sees them fight bravely but lose bloodied yet respected.
II: In their 2013 sequel to 2012's match vs. Union, the better trained Reds with their hard-punching new tactics shock the Union with a late match knockout. Manager growls a lot in New Zealish.
III: The triumphant Reds are set to unveil a statue of Danny Dichio at their new training complex when a gold-chain wearing Sebastien Le Toux shows up and tells TFC's wife that he'll "show her a real man". A melee ensues before Union beat on a bloated TFC. Reds later even the score. Draw.
IV: Ex-Toronto defender Maxim Usanov shows up for the match. TFC takes five minutes to enter the field to a musical montage before an angered Usanov punches Jim Brennan into oblivion. TFC later go to Nunavut to train in a cabin.
V, VI, VII: Nobody bothers to watch. Italian Stallion signs for Montreal as a DP.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Showtime at the Apollo Creed"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
PHILADELPHIA: Brian Carroll, Gabriel Farfan, Sebastien Le Toux
TORONTO: Danny Califf, Jonathan Osorio, Luis Silva

THE ODDS:
- People unhappy this wasn't another Fresh Prince tribute: 2-1
- TFC signing Uncle Paulie on loan: 5-1
- Philadelphia Union entering the pitch on rising platform from beneath the stadium as Jacob Peterson sings "Living in America" while dressed as Uncle Sam: 10-1

WHO ARE YA?
PPL Park is located in the suburban Philadelphia city of Chester. Founded in 1976 by a group of down-on-their-luck Italian-Americans, the area was once famous for its hand-beaten sides of beef, many steps and independently-owned pet shops. Despite losing its lustre in the 1990's, the modern city has rebounded as a leader in Robot Butler technology. Despite a well-documented prejudice against Soviets, the area has re-branded itself (six times) and is led by brutal Mayor James Clubber Lang.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
"WE GOT BROKEN"