THE STARTING 11: Things that Jermain Defoe missed about being in Toronto

Winter is comin'

He's back! Our l'il lord and saviour Jermain Defoe has returned from the nightmarish hell that was re-habbing a devastatingly injured groin... or something. Whatever. With Canada's apparent Third World medical facilities, Defoe has spent much of the summer back in England doing his best to prepare for a playoff push and #goals... or something. Whatever. Either way, the bloody big deal himself has prodigal-returned to Toronto where he will be happy to luxuriate in the many pleasures he missed while away...

11. Coming home to any of his three houses

10. Playing FIFA15 on his giant screen TV - transferring himself to all of the Premier League clubs

9. Catching up on the hilarious sitcom "The 2014 Toronto Mayoral Election"

8. The generous days off

7. Toronto's thriving multicultural lady community

6. Late-night Skype sessions with Harry Redknapp

5. The top-notch service of his butler Mark Bloom

4. Queen's Park

3. The fine staff in the British Airways First Class Departure Lounge at Pearson International

2. Cozy Scrabble nights at Drake's place

1. How spring turns to summer; summer turns to autumn; and autumn turn into the January Transfer Window

AFTER 90: Yo homes, smell ya later!

PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK

We apologize for the absence of tonight's post-match report. Sadly, we are suffering from chronic re-occurring writer's block and have flown back to London, England to seek further care. We have it on good advice that flying back-and-forth across the Atlantic is a cure to most ills.

You may have read rumours in tabloid newspapers that we were about to start a new blog called "The Loftusies" - a completely unnecessary QPR site but there is no agreement in place. At least until January. We remain 100% committed to this site and our teammates in the local "negative cesspool" that are TFC blogs and we will be back.  As for tonight - let's guess at 2-1 Philadelphia. Why not?

Off to an Essex nightclub to do more re-hab. See you later this week at an emotional reunion! Deffo.

The Yorkies

Blight of The Conchord! Reds sack Ryan Nelsen

On Labour Day Eve? TBez - you cold!

We're not sure what they teach you in New Zealish business school (because he didn't learn it on a coaching course) but Ryan Nelsen pretty much sealed his fate yesterday when he publicly called out his boss. Blaming Tim Bezbatchenko for putting too much pressure on his squad (a home win against New England - how outrageous a request!) was a major professional gaffe and one that sealed Nelsen's sacking today along with his entire staff minus Jason Bent. And yes fans - that includes The Immortal Jimmy Brennan.

Of course this move was seemingly the tipping point for TBez. Nelsen, a manager who never met a badge he liked, has been mired in a stubborn and mediocre style for large stretches of this season. When his DP strikers were scoring for results, Nelsen was surviving - but never quite flourishing. As the season has plodded on and injuries, form and fatigue have affected the expensively rebuilt TFC, Nelsen had often looked naive in regards to his handling of the line-up. Stubborn tactics, head-scratchingly odd substitutions and a general lack of progression came to a boil after the particularly insipid 3-0 loss to New England.

However... You think TFC learned a hard lesson in regards to "on the job training" managers? Not so fast hot shots. At the sack and hire press conference today, Bezbatchenko announced that the new PERMANENT head coach is TFC Academy Head and former Chivas USA Assistant Manager (his managerial zenith) Greg Vanney. "Yes!!!" said 0.00012% of TFC supporters. On the surface this is a mind-boggling move for a club that hasn't hired an experienced manager since Paul Mariner - and his experience was sinking Plymouth Argyle. You are all forgiven for assuming the fetal position.

Of course past experience doesn't guarantee future success but this all stinks of a giant re-run for TFC. The season that started with all that "bloody big" promise has a very 2010 feel to it suddenly. A playoff run now turns into a learning process under yet another new manager. While Nelsen wasn't likely the answer, Greg Vanney is the answer to a question no one was asking.

Caught your breath yet? Well sit down. It gets weirder. There are very loud rumours today that Jermain Defoe is well on his way back to England, in particular QPR. With the European transfer window about to shut - this could be within 24 hours. When asked about the team's money-maker and his future in Toronto, you could have driven a bus between the lines of Bezbatchenko's answer. The words you are looking for are "smoke" and "fire". What a blow to the image of this club and the house of cards sold to fans this past winter if this move comes to fruition.

One thing is obvious after today. With the imminent departure of  Tim Leiweke, Tim Bezbatchenko is putting his stamp of leadership on this club. The only question that remains - what kind of club will he have left to lead?

THE MATCHUP: Catching Fire... (With Bonus STARTING 11 - Yours Free with Purchase!)

Great Lakes fever!

 

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK - WEDNESDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Because TFC are attempting to become a fairly solid club away from home. Fun and weird isn't it?!
- Can the smouldering Jermain Defoe keep his hot streak alive? Can he play a full 90? Are him and Gilberto BFF's 4 Life again?
- Because Chicago and Toronto have some real hard-nosed battles and really should be more heated rivals.
- Can TFC's bench strength produce the same positive football we saw in large parts of the match against New York?
- Deep Dish is excellent.
- Can Gilberto bounce back from injury and get another goal?
- You'll still be hungover from Canada Day - have a better plan?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Copa Del Grandos Lagos"

THE DUEL:
Mike Magee vs. Jermain Defoe

BONUS!!!

THE STARTING 11: Things that Jermain Defoe said to Gilberto during their free kick scuffle

Strikers are a proud lot. The best ones want the ball at their feet at all times. While that desire to be the big man on campus is a positive for many forwards, it can sometimes create friction with teammates. As TFC supporters watched on with horrific visions of a dressing room meltdown, Jermain Defoe and Gilberto went handbags at each other at Red Bull Arena with Defoe knocking the ball away before walking away swearing in Cockney. Luckily for Gilberto, he scored a screamer and the what-ifs will never need to be worried about but what was said to him by Defoe in the lead-up to that famous goal?

11. "I'm a Big Bloody Deal! You are merely a Fairly Substantial Acquisition!"

10. "Yikes! I just saw a C.H.U.D. under the pitch let me slam its cannibalistic head with the ball!"

9. "This is NO way to treat a former guest of the Much Music Video Awards!"

8. "There is absolutely no way you score here. Mathematical impossibility. Boy are you going to look dumb. It's your life chum."

7. "This is a disgrace! I played for Portsmouth! I command your respect!"

6. "There's a bee on the ball! I'll swat it off for you pal!"

5. "Do you realize how many potential New York WAGS are waiting to watch me take this free kick? So selfish."

4. "Please let me take this. If I score then the Daily Mail will write another article lambasting Roy Hodgson!"

3. "Ok, let's pretend to fight... when they get distracted... blast it!"

2. "This ain't no car commercial Gilberto."

1. "You're lucky I don't bite you."



AFTER 90: Not Necessarily the World Cup

New York takes this seriously!

 

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA

FIRST HALF:
1' - Well Thierry Henry was at some World Cups. Same goes for Jermain Defoe. Other than that, the return of MLS isn't probably going to look too much like the football we've become accustomed to. It's New Jersey so chances are someone in the crowd got a Brazilian today. So there's that.
7' - The Reds come out aggressive and push for an opening goal. Not allowing The Reds to watch any Greece matches is paying off.
12' - YELLOW CARD: Justin Morrow sacrifices his body to stop a New York counter attack. You watching this Glen Johnson?
18' - The longer this goes without a TFC goal the higher the chance it turns into Iran vs. Argentina.
25' - Who knew? Breaks in play really are made better with random crowd shots of Colombian women in tight kits. You win this one World Cup.
36' - GOAL: New York - It was coming. All possession and no finish for TFC while NYRB take advantage of a brief lapse in defence and get it onto the head of Puguy Luyindula.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0
45' - The Reds start well but go a bit flat after conceding the goal. On the bright side - no one got bitten.

HALFTIME: NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
47' - TFC sure could use a quick goal to get back into this match. Like that awesome goal that guy scored for Australia. You know that Tim Cahi... awww nuts.
52' - Dominic Oduro with a clear chance at goal but scuffs it. Disappointing. Also disappointing: he didn't choose a Canadian food to replace his pizza haircut.
55' - GOAL: Toronto - Damn! Jermain Defoe scores a stunning redirection off an Oduro low cross. Beautiful all round team effort.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 1
57' - Doneil Henry has his nightly brainfart - luckily his namesake Thierry can't bang home the close free kick that resulted.
64' - SUB: Dominic Oduro OFF / Gilberto ON
65' - A World Cup Brazilian flair with Gilberto on. Except for that goalscoring they are so fond of.
73' - GOAL: Toronto - With a free kick deep in New York territory, Defoe and Gilberto actually start arguing about who will take it. An angry Defoe walks off and all the pressure is on Gilberto... who FINALLY opens his TFC account with a screamer. Great goal and inches away from the TFC dressing room going into crisis mode. Dramatic stuff and impressive confidence. Crow eaten for earlier gag.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 2
'79 - SUB: Jackson OFF / Bradley Orr ON
85' - Jermain Defoe looked very sharp tonight. If only there were a national team he could play for that desperately needed a spark off the bench. Ah well. Toronto's gain.
90' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
90'+ - GOAL: New York - Bradley Wright-Phillips puts home what every TFC supporter was desperately afraid to see - another late goal. NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 2
A shame really as TFC played some decent football, enjoyed some dramatic moments. In sober light, a point away at New York will seem like an achievement but it can't help but feel like a loss at the moment. We feel your pain Ivory Coast. Ok - not that bad.

FULL TIME: NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5 / Justin Morrow 5.5 / Dominic Oduro 6.5 (Gilberto 6.5) (Dwayne De Rosario N/A) / Jonathan Osorio 5.5 / Collen Warner 6 / Jackson 5.5 (Bradley Orr N/A) / Luke Moore 5 / Jermain Defoe 7
　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe



AFTER 90: A pretty big (bloody) deal

Difference makers.

SEATTLE SOUNDERS - 1
Clint Dempsey - 68'

TORONTO FC - 2
Jermain Defoe - 17'
Jermain Defoe - 24'

WHAT WE EXPECTED:
A shaky start for a TFC squad in need of instant chemistry in a hostile environment. A draw would have been sweet, we planned for a 3-1 loss.
WHAT WE GOT:
A hard-working, composed win spearheaded by Jermain Defoe's debutante balls and the tireless leadership of Michael Bradley and Steven Caldwell. While they had to absorb tremendous Seattle pressure in the 2nd Half, they didn't capitulate. That's new.

THE GOOD:
- The dominant leadership (and head) of Steven Caldwell who anchored the back and made his co-defenders better.
- The reassuring presence of Julio Cesar. Not a knock on Bendik but you can feel TFC's defence breathe easier with his experience.
- Michael Bradley. Period. Defoe will get the plaudits but Bradley was everywhere. A boss.
- Jermain Defoe - what can you say? A poacher. His goal tally this year will only be hampered by his service. Does what it says on the tin.

THE BAD:
- Slow starts in both halves. On another day an opponent will make them pay if they come out that flat-footed.
- The bruises left on Doneil Henry's chops after a boot to the face.
- Silly free kicks given as the game wore on. Maybe due to exhaustion but TFC were lucky they weren't costly.
- The bench. Yes there are injuries but not too many guys available at the moment who can come in and change the face of the match for The Reds. Bright Dike is missed.

THE MALARKEY:
- 39,000 Seattle fans singing "Can you hear Toronto sing?" to the 100 TFC fans in attendance. That's just poor audio science.
- TFC's Jackson may be the angriest man in Brazil but his natty all-white boots are full on Tito Jackson.
- When did Chad Barrett turn into an oversized Oompa Loompa?
- The Clint Dempsey/Jermain Defoe Tottenham Hotspur reunion ended much the same way as their time at White Hart Lane together: Defoe scored more goals and Dempsey still looked like an overpaid twonk.

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 8 / Doneil Henry 7 / Justin Morrow 6.5 / Jackson 6 (SUB: 90'+ - Ashtone Morgan N/A) / Michael Bradley 8 / Jonathan Osorio 7 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 66' - Bradley Orr 5.5) / Dwayne De Rosario 6 (SUB: 63' - Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Jermain Defoe 8

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe

 

Sigi Schmid: not pleased

THE STARTING 11: Things overheard at last week's press conference

"Did you hear the one about the bloody big eel?"

It has been just over a week since MLSE attempted to give us a 7-year brainwipe with the grand introduction of Jermain Defoe and Michael Bradley. While the hubbub from the beer and branding bonanza has just begun to subside, TFC will hope that the merriment from the day carries into the season. Of course amidst any cheery din are always a few sentences that are overheard floating amongst the crowd...

11. "Why is Raivis Hscanovics sitting behind De Ro?"

10. "It's been two hours and no one has mentioned our secret Argos plans sir! It's working! IT'S WORKING!!!"

9. "Mr. Defoe, this is the Raptors Dance Pack... "

8. "This is just like being at a match! The same chants, a bunch of drunk dudes and Reggie Lambe has been completely invisible!"

7. "Mr. Samuel! Step away from the buffet. Step. Away. From. The. Buffet."

6. "Oh that's Michael Bradley? Thank God, I thought Lex Luthor had escaped from prison!"

5. "It's about time TFC gave us something for free! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go order four more season tickets and buy these new Jermain Defoe jerseys!"

4. "For the last time Mr. Lombardo, the double decker bus is not the Dufferin 29..."

3. "Funny how much more flavour Budweiser has when you remove the $12 dollar part."

2. "Hey... that's not Willem Dafoe!"

1. "If these guys think this is a bloody big deal, wait until they see the price of their 2015 season tickets!"

It's some kind of deal! TFC unveil Jermain Defoe AND Michael Bradley

"You new here too?"



Remember that mumbling, rather serene press conference in the BMO Field press room the last time TFC introduced two DP's? That day it was Torsten Frings and Danny Koevermans taking on the roles of TFC Messiahs 1 & 2 but compared to the show at RealSports Bar in Downtown Toronto today... that was a bloody small deal.

From his arrival at Pearson yesterday, the full page ads in Toronto dailies this morning and to the trail of potential WAGS strewn through the 416 - the whole football world knew that today was "De-Day" - Jermain Defoe's Debutante Ball. However in what must have been a Tim Leiweke erotic promotions fantasy - that wasn't big enough. No... like the finest wrestling card, American midfielder/trainee Super Villain Michael Bradley appeared from backstage and joined the fracas! Mic drop.

Live from the back of a double-decker bus, here are some of our favourite observations:

- A return to supporter good times chanting "This Is Our House" from the RealSports upper deck. Doubt that beers cost $15 bucks in their actual houses.
- Tim Leiweke speaking in front of rowdy crowd and largest media presence in TFC history aka "one off his bucket list"
- Leiweke saying all the right things such as "nothing is won today" and "why can't we be great". Managed not to say "btw - you may want to re-mortgage house before 2015 season tickets go up"
- Jermain Defoe comes out to a raucous cheer. Scans crowd for glamour models in the house. Makes mental notes. Sits down.
- Defoe: "I'm a winner"; "To win trophies - that's what it's all about"; "I'm the new Jeff Cunningham LOLZ!" (He may not have said that)
- Back to Leiweke who missed a good opportunity to introduce the "surprise" guest in wrestling ambush style...
- Michael Bradley emerges dressed in all black to do nothing but concrete his image as a James Bond Super Villain.
- Bradley a man of few words - the ones he does say sound amazingly like Breaking Bad's Jesse Pinkman. It will be our goal to get him to say "Yo TFC bitch" this season.
- Ryan Nelsen says a few words - just realized he finally has a reason to say "Juh-main" a la Flight of the Conchords. Prisint.
- Floor opened to the media... and the first question in this international presser goes to... a kid from Seneca College?! Umm... was a dying boy's wish granted or something?
- There are Drake questions up the wazoo. No mention of Maestro Fresh Wes or Joey Jeremiah of original Degrassi. Shameful.
- BREAKING: Former TFC GM Mo Johnston is holding a live event in his kitchen where he will introduce BOTH bologna and cheese to a sandwich.
- T-Bez danced his best around a question on the status of Matias Laba. We say not looking good.
- Then a bunch more crap about Drake...

And with that, TFC's underwater Bloody Big Eel event ended. Or something like that. There are some grumps and naysayer's out there today (stop stealing our gig newbies) but for all the sizzle, it really is a fun day to be a TFC supporter. That's for you, rain-soaked fan who never said "I don't feel like going to watch them lose..." You're about to have more company in the stands, but that house will always be yours.

And... Since it's Monday and we are legally bound to bring you this... here is your Starting 11!!!
 

White Hart Lane: The BMO Field of North London

 

THE STARTING 11: Other features of the Toronto FC - Tottenham Hotspur Agreement

Part of the Jermain Defoe (hey, did you hear Drake called him?) official confirmation was the added caveat that TFC and Spurs had entered into a "marketing agreement" with each other. The deal includes a mid-summer friendly, Spurs merchandise sold at MLSE properties and other stuff like TFC having to RT and LOL all Spurs tweets. But, as with all deals there is always the small print where more details are found...

 

11. BMO Field to change name to "Great White (North) Hart Lane"

10. Toronto Raptors must throw every game against San Antonio

9. TFC get first refusal on any Sergei Rebrov transfer

 

8. A long-term community employment commitment from both clubs by hiring-and-firing managers on a bi-annual basis. (DONE)

7. David Ginola to open men's hair salon at Downsview training facility

6. The two clubs to share custody of the label "Champions League hopefuls"

 

5. Toronto FC-based Arsenal supporters forced to feel dirty about themselves

4. Jurgen Klinsmann available for both clubs during emergency crisis management situations (DONE)

3. Drake on loan to London until March

2. Bitchy the Hawk replaced with angry fighting cockerel

1. Our top prospects to be sold to Spurs just as they become integral squad member who will sell that player to Real Madrid just as he becomes an integral squad member

 

Fancy a right ol' knees up me china? 'Ave a butcher's hook as TFC release Defoe teaser!

Put an 'at on yer barnet - you're off to Canada chappie!



You lot ain't gonna Adam & Eve it! We've been Hank Marvin for a bit 'a good news for ages but it finally looks like Toronto FC pulled their finger out and put up the dosh to half-inch Jermain Defoe off the Lilywhites. Oh the look on your boat race! It ain't no porkies love, by Monday you'll 'ave yer mincers on The Reds' new bit of all right!

As seen below, Toronto FC went to the same "Big Book of Stereotypes" that the British tabloids used when they photoshopped a Mountie's uniform on Jermain Defoe, to tease the locals. But all daft videos aside, the obvious nod to the confirmation of what will be the biggest signing in club history is quite monumental and an admitted coup for TFC.

We will hold our breath on details just in case there is an almighty asterisk to the announcement (such as Defoe not arriving until summer or returning to England on loan) but for once, a #TFCMajorAnnouncement might actually be major. So we sit back and wait until Monday... with a lovely cuppa the 'ole Rosy Lee.

THE STARTING 11: Ways that Drake persuades DP's to sign with Toronto FC

Drake aka "Drizzy"

If there is some kind of Bat-Signal that originates deep from inside infamous Toronto "hood' Forest Hill, someone best light it up. With the kerfuffle going on at Tottenham Hotspur today, there is much local hand-wringing over the potential transfer of Jermain Defoe to TFC. If there were ever a time when MLSE needed their celebrity closer - rapping guy/Degrassi invalid, Drake - to come through, it's now! Gilberto was successfully hugged out but now Drizzy (his legal name) must use all of his tricks to bag the big star striker. But just how does he do it?

11. New signings allowed to refer to midfield as their "entourage"

10. Your goal celebrations come with full phalanx of scantily clad backup dancers

9. He will gladly lend you his prop Degrassi: The Next Generation wheelchair when you inevitably blow out your ACL in New England

8. The name on the back of your shirt is followed by "feat. Drake & L'il Wayne"

7. A very romantic "Welcome to Toronto" dinner for two atop the CN Tower with Raptors' center Jonas Valanciunas

6. You are immediately invited into a feud with Chris Brown

5. "The Zit Remedy" will play live at your birthday party

4. Will allow you to join his crew on their quest to circumnavigate the globe by sea! (CORRECTION: That is "Ways that Sir Francis Drake persuades DP's to sign with Toronto FC")

3. Your Gatorade bottles replaced by Cristal champagne

 

2. Personally re-writes his lyrics to chart your career path into: "Started from the top, now you're here"

1. You are allowed to refer to Ryan Nelsen as "Nizzy"

 

Sir Francis Drake aka "Drizzy"

 

THE WORD: "Jermain Defoe is a Red-oh?"

Much to ponder...

 

Well at least the "R" word has little chance of being banned anytime soon.

The ink had barely dried on new striker Gilberto's DP contract before local media started to aggressively hint (Kurt Larson with his version here) that his future partner in shots-on-target is practically locked in. The name being spoken is none other than the hinted "biggest MLS transfer OF ALL TIMEZ!" (TM) - Jermain Defoe.

While far from the first time that the Tottenham striker's name has been rumoured with TFC, the original whispers seem to be turning into a dull roar. Massive dollar amounts such as a $10 Million Dollar transfer fee to Spurs and a whopping $150,000 Dollars-a-week contract are being floated not too quietly across the Atlantic. It has all become a very open come-hither look to Defoe usually reserved by British Page 3 girls towards the poacher.

However, before we all run-out (Except you, Toronto Arsenal supporters. You're gonna hate this aren't you?) and get TFC # 18 kits, this deal is not finalized and funny things can happen on the way up the Seven Sisters Road. Defoe is still very much a useful part of Spurs who are quite thin up front. The original North London club will want to shore up their striker prospects before letting Defoe jet off into the tundra. This could delay or at worse cease any deal. A possible loan-back to Spurs until March could be one way around this.

The other sticking point is Defoe's desire to play for England this summer at the World Cup. Ignorantly, MLS is still seen as a retirement wilderness to the English press and even the FA and he may fear an "out of sight, out of mind" factor in the crucial lead-up months to Brazil. Perhaps TFC have greased the wheels with old Roy Hodgson or maybe this leads to Defoe's arrival being of the summer variety over March. There are still many variables in this potential deal.

In the end, money could be the makeweight. Defoe is not likely to get a 4-year deal with that kind of compensation from another Premiership club. Deep-pockets QPR could be in with a shout but if they aren't promoted from the Championship, the appeal of a new continent of unsullied glamour models may just bring TFC their biggest name yet. 

 

You're on the clock Degrassi.