THE STARTING 11: Other things that Ryan Nelsen did to anger Tim Bezbatchenko

It just wouldn't be a season with Toronto FC without a high profile sacking. We've regularly said goodbye to managers, coaches, GM's, presidents and now even a Brennan! While the firing of Ryan Nelsen wasn't an utter shock, the timing did catch many by surprise. However, it seems like tension between the manager and the general manager Tim Bezbatchenko had been bubbling for a while. Perhaps it wasn't just football-related problems that brought things to a head though - possibly a whole host of Nellie issues that got under TBez's skin...

11. He's too tall to be trusted

10. For a Kiwi, his Lord of The Rings knowledge was average at best

9. Didn't even take the time to introduce him to the dreamy Younes Kaboul during the Spurs friendly

8. Refused to play keytar in his garage band "The Cap Wonkz"

7. After Tim Leiweke announced he was leaving MLSE, Nelsen was way to slow in referring to him as "Prezbatchenko"

6. Never learned to speak English

5. Nelsen failed to unleash the potential of Reggie Lambe

4. Couldn't get him Crocodile Dundee's phone number

3. Claims that Nelsen is a raging Anti-Badge-ite

2. Wouldn't tell him the location of "Old Zealand"

1. Tired of hearing "Teem Bizbeechinkeh"

Blight of The Conchord! Reds sack Ryan Nelsen

On Labour Day Eve? TBez - you cold!

We're not sure what they teach you in New Zealish business school (because he didn't learn it on a coaching course) but Ryan Nelsen pretty much sealed his fate yesterday when he publicly called out his boss. Blaming Tim Bezbatchenko for putting too much pressure on his squad (a home win against New England - how outrageous a request!) was a major professional gaffe and one that sealed Nelsen's sacking today along with his entire staff minus Jason Bent. And yes fans - that includes The Immortal Jimmy Brennan.

Of course this move was seemingly the tipping point for TBez. Nelsen, a manager who never met a badge he liked, has been mired in a stubborn and mediocre style for large stretches of this season. When his DP strikers were scoring for results, Nelsen was surviving - but never quite flourishing. As the season has plodded on and injuries, form and fatigue have affected the expensively rebuilt TFC, Nelsen had often looked naive in regards to his handling of the line-up. Stubborn tactics, head-scratchingly odd substitutions and a general lack of progression came to a boil after the particularly insipid 3-0 loss to New England.

However... You think TFC learned a hard lesson in regards to "on the job training" managers? Not so fast hot shots. At the sack and hire press conference today, Bezbatchenko announced that the new PERMANENT head coach is TFC Academy Head and former Chivas USA Assistant Manager (his managerial zenith) Greg Vanney. "Yes!!!" said 0.00012% of TFC supporters. On the surface this is a mind-boggling move for a club that hasn't hired an experienced manager since Paul Mariner - and his experience was sinking Plymouth Argyle. You are all forgiven for assuming the fetal position.

Of course past experience doesn't guarantee future success but this all stinks of a giant re-run for TFC. The season that started with all that "bloody big" promise has a very 2010 feel to it suddenly. A playoff run now turns into a learning process under yet another new manager. While Nelsen wasn't likely the answer, Greg Vanney is the answer to a question no one was asking.

Caught your breath yet? Well sit down. It gets weirder. There are very loud rumours today that Jermain Defoe is well on his way back to England, in particular QPR. With the European transfer window about to shut - this could be within 24 hours. When asked about the team's money-maker and his future in Toronto, you could have driven a bus between the lines of Bezbatchenko's answer. The words you are looking for are "smoke" and "fire". What a blow to the image of this club and the house of cards sold to fans this past winter if this move comes to fruition.

One thing is obvious after today. With the imminent departure of  Tim Leiweke, Tim Bezbatchenko is putting his stamp of leadership on this club. The only question that remains - what kind of club will he have left to lead?

"Should he stay or should he go?" Toronto FC looks toward 2014 but who should return?

"Get lost dumb jocks!"

 

From elitist downtown socialist manifesto-enclaves to the moustache dens of Ossington Ave. and out to the moonshine joints frequented by Etobiyokels - It's the question that has been argued vehemently across Toronto. "Should he stay or should he go now? Followed by "If he goes there will be trouble. If he stays it will be double." That's right... the city is in turmoil as we wonder which current Reds should return in 2014! Why... who were you talking about?

 

Two weeks ago, GM Tim Bezbatchenko said he wanted "to decide on who is staying and who is going in two weeks’ time". Tick-tock T-Bez. Now the wild world of MLS contracts, salary caps, international roster spots and the like are enough to send most GM's into a drunken stupor so we thought we'd help our fave wonk out by picking which Reds we think should be considered as 2014-worthy. The others should really take some time off and "get the help they need".

Agree or disagree? Shout at us in the comments below and we'll say "you asked the wrong question" for six months. Chase us down through the Twitter parking garage @theyorkies1812 and maybe we'll apologize (but it won't be genuine). We love being your website, God Bless the supporters of Toronto FC.

GOALKEEPERS
JOE BENDIK: STAY - The "Super Pickle" established himself as a useful MLS # 1 but needs to work on distribution to take next step in development.
STEFAN FREI: GO - Do we want him here? Yes. Can he stay? No. The TFC stalwart's future has been made crystal clear and his future is sadly elsewhere.
CHRIS KONOPKA: STAY - Because of any proof as a member of TFC? Nope. Because he was obviously bought to be the 2014 back-up? Yup.
QUILLAN ROBERTS: STAY* - The details are in the asterisk. Hopeful that Roberts can be a future TFC regular but desperately needs a loan spell elsewhere in 2014.

"That's what he said..." Reds offer a few final words on 2013 and beyond

"The end is nigh! Which is Kiwi for 'now'."

 

Like an Irish wake - but without the good times and whiskey - TFC held their annual "We Don't Need No Stinkin' Playoffs" press conference today. The jolly event is a yearly tradition where the few players who know they are coming back next season wax lyrical about how f*cking awesome TFC is while those who are being shot into the vacuum of space burn as many bridges as the mic can handle.

As with many controlled professional sports pressers, it is often as much about what is NOT said as what is actually mumbled to the ink-stained/digital-stained assembled wretches. Luckily for you, The Yorkies always keep a phalanx of psychoanalysts, mystics, shamen and Sasquatch on staff so that we can bring you what other outlets can't. So enjoy what was "actually said" (in boring layperson font) by TFC players and staff, as well as "what we heard" (in magical italics) through the power of a Ouija board bought from a toy store, a bucket of chicken bones (last night's KFC) and an Enigma record playing on loop. Set voodoo to stun...

 

RICHARD ECKERSLEY:

- "Fans have been fantastic... could be one of the best clubs to play for in MLS"

- "Summer football and SPF 90 just isn't easy"

- "It's clear I won't be here next season"

- "Why does FIFA ignore New Zealanders' systemic hatred for the English?"

JOE BENDIK:

- "I'm pretty sure I'll make more money next year"

- "Super Pickle is puttin' it on cruise control in 2014. Dill with it."

 

ANDREW WIEDEMAN:

- "If I'm here, I'm here. If I'm not, I'm not"

- "I'm a pretty, pretty man"

BOBBY CONVEY:

- "We have good young players but we've had way too much turnover here"

- "The turnover is a really underrated pastry"

- (On Ryan Nelsen) "He inherited players he wouldn't have signed"

- "How is Reggie Lambe a thing?"

- "If I'm not back that will be a surprise to me"

JONATHAN OSORIO

- "At the start of the season I was just a boy looking for playing time. Now I want to be among the best midfielders in MLS"

- "I wonder what TFC will get for me when they trade me to San Jose in January?"

 

MATIAS LABA
- "I expect to be 100% fit for next season..."

- "I will return to Argentina next week, grow a handlebar moustache, change my name and never return to this place. Adios"

MARK BLOOM

- "I hope to be back next season"

- "I am going to be the opening day starter next season"

 

ROBERT EARNSHAW

- "Must think of something good to say..."

- "TFC facilities are among the best in the world"

- "Have to try to sound hopeful..."

- "I see the light at the end of the tunnel here"

- "MLS is quicker, more technical than I thought it would be"

- "I was napping between April and October"

 

STEFAN FREI

- "I want to be part of a team where my services are needed and wanted"

- "I want to join any team that bites this one in the ass"

- "Love the city and the club. Always a special place for me"

- "Too bad the Canadian government has a lenient New Zealander immigration policy"

- "I didn't ask for a trade"

- "Shove a Toblerone where the sun don't shine Nelsen"

 

DANNY KOEVERMANS

- "2013 was a disaster for me"

- "I'm sure I smell waffles..."

- "I almost had a mental breakdown..."

- "McDonalds only sells Hot Cakes & Sausage until 10:30AM!"

- "I'm giving my career one last shot"

- "Never tell them that my 'calf injury' was from trying to eat an actual calf"

- "Poor communication from the coaching staff..."

- "There's the waffles!"

 

STEVEN CALDWELL

- "I love everything about the club. I'm proud to be captain."

- "I fully expect to be playing for Scunthorpe in a year"

- "We need 3-5 new guys"

- "We need 35 new guys"

 

RYAN NELSEN

- "I'll hold my hand up and try and talk to players. My door is open."

- "... after band meeting"

- "No major changes, just adding players who will make us stronger"

- "QPR reserves, USL-Pro and Swiss 3rd Division you are on notice"

- "No loan deals next year"

- "Why buy the cow when Justin Braun is free?"

- "btw Convey is going to be surprised"

- "I know what's right and I only have the team's interests in mind"

- "I'm very good at my job"

 

TIM BEZBATCHENKO

- "It is difficult to attract DP's, but not impossible"

- "Mista is available"

- "I want to decide on who is staying and who is going in two weeks’ time"

- "You'll be hearing from me on February 20th"

- "Nelsen is the right guy..."

- "... until June."



THE MATCHUP: "Look over there... waffles!"

It's your basic 5-Waffle Plan

 

TORONTO VS. D.C. UNITED

　

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET

TV: TSN

THE KICKABOUT:

Wow. If MLS could justify erasing a match from their fixture list it is this one. A match-up so bad that TFC coaches Ryan Nelsen and Fran O'Leary got themselves banned from the touchline so they wouldn't have to watch... we assume. (This of course leaves Jim Brennan in charge... as was foreseen in the Book of Revelation.) The battle of the worst club in league history vs. the only other club that had the gall to have a worse record than them this season. A humdinger gang!

Even at full strength, this fixture should be a battle to see who is relegated to the NASL, throw in the fact that D.C has a US Open Cup fixture on Tuesday and the talent level that will be on display is rather mesmerizing. The last place club's reserve team against a club that has offered 7 years’ worth of reserve teams to their fans.

We would offer our usual pre-match malarkey here but we would say the "Players To Watch" are not watchable; "The Odds" are you are attending or watching through habit or obligation; and the "Post-Match Headline" is mostly old-man mumbling. Instead we bring you the highlights of the truly important TFC event of the day - The TFC Presidential Breakfast for (SOME) Season Ticket Holders! Not part of the royal gathering? No worries here are the best parts of tomorrow's shindig... today!

TFC 2013 BREAKFAST HIGHLIGHTS
-Tim Leiweke does not talk a word of "spin" nor "sizzle" during 45-minute speech from a throne of made of melted Stanley Cups and Tom Anselmi's reclaimed gold fillings. Ends rousing manifesto with a sing-a-long of "The Monorail Song".

- Ryan Nelsen spotted sitting alone at end of head table slumped in a chair looking either sleepy, dejected or like a lame duck. (TBD)

- Stefan Frei pulled to one side and told he isn't allowed to appear at the breakfast. Joe Bendik waves at him while happily munching on a pickle.

- Drama in the lobby of RealSports Bar & Grill as former TFC striker Collin Samuel is taken down by MLSE Security tranquilizer guns as he makes a mad dash towards the buffet table.

- Jim Brennan asked to chew up some tater tots and gently spit them into Bitchy the Hawk's awaiting beak.

- Danny Koevermans makes a "miraculous" recovery and is taken off the injured list to take part in the "Aunt Jemima's Million Dollar Dream Pancake Throwdown". Immediately goes back on injured list after the contest.

- GM Tim Bezbatchenko overheard haggling with servers to exchange his plate of scrambled eggs for a boiled egg and a 3rd Round Supplemental Draft Pick in 2015.

- All eyes on the giant video wall as the lights are dimmed for the showing of the 90-minute documentary: "Get Used To It: The Kevin Payne Year(s)"

- Hundreds temporarily blinded as shirt cannons misfire and scalding hot maple syrup is sprayed over front three rows of dining supporters.

- Everyone asked to leave the premises before the hounds are released and to "ignore the fact that only cold brown toast has been offered for 7 years as some serious back bacon is coming in January"



The Good, The Bad... The Overpriced - MLS player salaries illuminate unbalanced TFC

"The boys at Lambda Lamda Lamda will not be pleased!"

Toronto FC loves them a good bargain. They have turned a lame bird act into their own version of Bargain Harold's Benfica, they always sell players well before their expiry date (well, well before) and no one knows how to turn a 5-Year Plan into an 8-Year Plan with such simple calculations! But, what about when it comes down to their salaries?

 

Obviously things haven't been going their way on the paystub front so MLSE Emperor Tim Leiweke has hired "capologist"/80's teen film nerd Tim Bezbatchenko to slice and dice their salary sums. Well at least until there's a big enough hole for Leiweke to parachute in a couple of aging DP's to sell shirts and get injured.

 

Today, the updated MLS salary lists were unveiled and another chance for all us amateur capologists - it's what I wanted to be as a boy - to consider who is giving TFC the biggest bang for their buck. So stop throwing slushees off the upper level of the mall at Bezbatchenko and let's help the new guy look at some of the club's best, worst and mediocre contracts.

 

 

BEZBATCHENKOKAY!

- Joe Bendik $46,500

- Doneil Henry $62,083

- Matias Laba $200,000

- Jonathan Osorio $46,500

- Steven Caldwell $89,000

 

Not tons of bargains to be had but Caldwell and Bendik standout as getting a lot for your buck. Both have played major roles in the admittedly poor season but things would be even worse without them. Despite Laba's $200K he looks to be good value as the club's most technically gifted player by some stretch.

 

 

MEH-ZBATCHENKO.

- Bobby Convey $215,000

- Robert Earnshaw $155,150

- Jeremy Hall $90,000

- Andrew Wiedeman $65,000

- Bright Dike $60,687

 

Convey is the standout in the group due to his salary but also arguably the most consistent performer of the lot. A bit hefty though for a journeyman. Earnshaw barely didn't fall to the bad end of things but only due to his March and April - really shouldn't return in 2014. The others represent some basic deep bench strength. The more they are used as front-line starters, the worse things are for TFC.

 

 

BEZBATCHENKOUCH!

- Justin Braun $114,700

- Richard Eckersley $310,000

- Stefan Frei $200,000

- Danny Koevermans $1.663,323

- Alvaro Rey $204,450

 

Two standouts on this list are Eckersley and Koevermans. Ryan Nelsen pretty much stamped Ecks' passport back to England today moaning of his hefty (and it is) fullback salary. Despite The Ginger Ninja's proclamation that he is "not some ordinary fullback" - he is. And one making nearly double the league average at that spot. Cheerio Richard.

 

Danny Koevermans has fallen so far off the respect-ladder that it's a surprise he hasn't picked up yet another "injury". Now out with a supposed calf injury it is unlikely that Koevermans will ever wear TFC red again. We just pray it doesn't hinder his contract signing in The Netherlands on January 1st. God speed pancake astronaut. God speed. (Ed.~ look up Dutch word for sarcasm)

 

Frei is a bad-luck, sad-luck case. We like him a lot but nowhere in this league is there a place for a $200K backup keeper. For Frei, we genuinely wish the best for his career. Alvaro Rey may need more time to prove (or disprove) himself but that money on a Spanish 3rd Tier winger seems steep. Braun? Should be paying fans to watch him.

 

So there you are amateur banking aficionados, some of the highlights of the TFC 2013 salaries. Majority of the others more-or-less fall into place but hey, who knows what wacky calculations T-Bez is doing on his Casio calculator watch? Having to carve out that much space for Leiweke's vanity acquisitions will likely mean a lot more "Meh-zbatchenko" in our futures.



Allocation Moneyball as TFC hires new GM

Tim Bezbatchenko

Toronto FC has got their man. Again.

Not realizing that their Twitter hashtag #TFCMajorAnnouncement has become a parody-inducing thing of ridicule, The Reds gathered the local press for their annual catch-and-release of their new front office supremo. But who you ask could fill the shoes of Toronto legends like Kevin Payne, Aron Winter and Mo Johnston... why it's none other than child prodigy Tim Bezbatchenko!

Crickets.

Before you start getting your TFC-brand knickers (Available at RealSports for $34.99) in a twist, this is not a GM-signing like those in the past or akin to GM's in other North American sports. Bezbatchenko, most recently the MLS Director of Player Relations and Competition, is a numbers wonk. A man brought in to hopefully find every single loophole and crevasse that the league's labyrinth of salary rules has hidden in its belly-button.

In this brave new world, player targets seem to be firmly in the control of Ryan Nelsen, who in turn seems firmly controlled by Tim Leiweke. You would assume that Nelsen will identify reasonable targets that T-Bez (we're lazy, get used to it) will try to financially wangle while Leiweke aims to reel in the big fish like his horrendous hint dropping at a private meeting that he is looking at (gulp) Emmanuel Adebayor. Euthanize me now.

In the end, we will probably not see T-Bez in the spotlight like previous GM's but rather like a glorified Earl Cochrane. In theory, the set-up seems alright but when you consider a rookie head coach will identify players to a rookie GM all under the umbrella of a monorail salesman - it all gets very TFC.

One question that remained understandably unanswered today: When Leiweke's magical DP's don't arrive until August and TFC finds itself 2-10 in the summer forcing the dismissal of Ryan Nelsen (don't pretend it can't happen!!!) who is left to identify players? Something tells us that you should save up your best #TFCMajorAnnouncement gags for a rainy day in the not-too-distant future.