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Monday, October 28, 2013

"That's what he said..." Reds offer a few final words on 2013 and beyond

"The end is nigh! Which is Kiwi for 'now'."
Like an Irish wake - but without the good times and whiskey - TFC held their annual "We Don't Need No Stinkin' Playoffs" press conference today. The jolly event is a yearly tradition where the few players who know they are coming back next season wax lyrical about how f*cking awesome TFC is while those who are being shot into the vacuum of space burn as many bridges as the mic can handle.

As with many controlled professional sports pressers, it is often as much about what is NOT said as what is actually mumbled to the ink-stained/digital-stained assembled wretches. Luckily for you, The Yorkies always keep a phalanx of psychoanalysts, mystics, shamen and Sasquatch on staff so that we can bring you what other outlets can't. So enjoy what was "actually said" (in boring layperson font) by TFC players and staff, as well as "what we heard" (in magical italics) through the power of a Ouija board bought from a toy store, a bucket of chicken bones (last night's KFC) and an Enigma record playing on loop. Set voodoo to stun...
- "Fans have been fantastic... could be one of the best clubs to play for in MLS"
- "Summer football and SPF 90 just isn't easy"
- "It's clear I won't be here next season"
- "Why does FIFA ignore New Zealanders' systemic hatred for the English?"

- "I'm pretty sure I'll make more money next year"
- "Super Pickle is puttin' it on cruise control in 2014. Dill with it."
- "If I'm here, I'm here. If I'm not, I'm not"
- "I'm a pretty, pretty man"

- "We have good young players but we've had way too much turnover here"
- "The turnover is a really underrated pastry"
- (On Ryan Nelsen) "He inherited players he wouldn't have signed"
- "How is Reggie Lambe a thing?"
- "If I'm not back that will be a surprise to me"

- "At the start of the season I was just a boy looking for playing time. Now I want to be among the best midfielders in MLS"
- "I wonder what TFC will get for me when they trade me to San Jose in January?"
- "I expect to be 100% fit for next season..."
- "I will return to Argentina next week, grow a handlebar moustache, change my name and never return to this place. Adios"

- "I hope to be back next season"
- "I am going to be the opening day starter next season"
- "Must think of something good to say..."
- "TFC facilities are among the best in the world"
- "Have to try to sound hopeful..."
- "I see the light at the end of the tunnel here"
- "MLS is quicker, more technical than I thought it would be"
- "I was napping between April and October"
- "I want to be part of a team where my services are needed and wanted"
- "I want to join any team that bites this one in the ass"
- "Love the city and the club. Always a special place for me"
- "Too bad the Canadian government has a lenient New Zealander immigration policy"
- "I didn't ask for a trade"
- "Shove a Toblerone where the sun don't shine Nelsen"
- "2013 was a disaster for me"
- "I'm sure I smell waffles..."
- "I almost had a mental breakdown..."
- "McDonalds only sells Hot Cakes & Sausage until 10:30AM!"
- "I'm giving my career one last shot"
- "Never tell them that my 'calf injury' was from trying to eat an actual calf"
- "Poor communication from the coaching staff..."
- "There's the waffles!"
- "I love everything about the club. I'm proud to be captain."
- "I fully expect to be playing for Scunthorpe in a year"
- "We need 3-5 new guys"
- "We need 35 new guys"
- "I'll hold my hand up and try and talk to players. My door is open."
- "... after band meeting"
- "No major changes, just adding players who will make us stronger"
- "QPR reserves, USL-Pro and Swiss 3rd Division you are on notice"
- "No loan deals next year"
- "Why buy the cow when Justin Braun is free?"
- "btw Convey is going to be surprised"
- "I know what's right and I only have the team's interests in mind"
- "I'm very good at my job"
- "It is difficult to attract DP's, but not impossible"
- "Mista is available"
- "I want to decide on who is staying and who is going in two weeks’ time"
- "You'll be hearing from me on February 20th"
- "Nelsen is the right guy..."
- "... until June."


  1. very nice.
    kudos on the 'I'm very good at my job' nod to last season. well played sir.

    1. Well Nelsen really needs to up his hyperbole game so thought I'd give him a psychic nudge.