The final bell has gone, lockers are cleared out and Inukshuks are being found in unfortunate places at the high school by the lake. Principle Leiweke has promised that grade averages will skyrocket next year when a few wealthy exchange students arrive and Vice-Principle Bezbatchenko is getting a wedgie from some jocks. All that is left is for Professor Nelsen to hand out the red threads of graduation and final grades to his motley Class of 2013.
TOP OF THE CLASS:
Grade: B
Class nickname: "Super Pickle"2013 Highlight: Stealing that Swiss kid's desk at the back
Voted Most Likely To: Dill with it.
Grade: A -
Class nickname: "Stevie C"
2013 Highlight: Staying here on the cheap
Voted Most Likely To: Leave for Scunthorpe
Grade: B +
Class nickname: "Mr. Laba Man"
2013 Highlight: Making his classmates look like talentless hacks
Voted Most Likely To: Watch his passes get squandered
Grade: B
Class nickname: "Deer Osorio"
2013 Highlight: Showing up out of nowhere
Voted Most Likely To: Be traded to San Jose for a Supplemental Pick
PASSING GRADES:
Grade: C
Class nickname: "Convoy!"
2013 Highlight: Causing people to make truck horn noises
Voted Most Likely To: Ask himself how he ended up here
Grade: C +
Class nickname: "Carnage"
2013 Highlight: Playing forward like the Kool-Aid guy
Voted Most Likely To: Injure defenders
Grade: C
Class nickname: "Mr. March"
2013 Highlight: Springtime
Voted Most Likely To: Hibernate during summer
Grade: C +
Class nickname: "D'oh Henry"
2013 Highlight: Not getting a red card
Voted Most Likely To: Get a red card
Grade: C
Class nickname: #OccasionallyDisagreeableLeftBack
2013 Highlight: Getting his job back
Voted Most Likely To: Giggle at Jonas Elmer
Grade: B -
Class nickname: "Rey Rovaro"
2013 Highlight: Bagging mucho dinero
Voted Most Likely To: Be called "too expensive"
Grade: C
Class nickname: "Tha Roy G." / "The Cockney Crusher"
2013 Highlight: Putting his elbows through opposition
Voted Most Likely To: Be the last thing seen before a concussion
FRESHMAN CLASS:
Grade: C -
Class nickname: "The 905 Kid"
2013 Highlight: Seeming eternally underwhelmed
Voted Most Likely To: Renew his GO Train PRESTO card
Grade: C +
Class nickname: "Judy"
2013 Highlight: Being brought in as emergency depth
Voted Most Likely To: Be an opening day starter
Grade: C -
Class nickname: "Boss"
2013 Highlight: Causing expensive personalized kits
Voted Most Likely To: Be called a "big name" signing
Grade: D +
Class nickname: "The Minor Tremor"
2013 Highlight: You got me.
Voted Most Likely To: Be an aftershock... er... afterthought
Grade: E
Class nickname: "Welshman Rarebit Player"
2013 Highlight: Being drafted too early
Voted Most Likely To: Be expected to do more
EXCHANGED STUDENTS:
Grade: F
Class nickname: "Blah-stock"
2013 Highlight: Proving all his past loan clubs correct
Voted Most Likely To: Never change
Grade: C -
Class nickname: "The Wellington Boot"2013 Highlight: Leading the A-League in goals
Voted Most Likely To: Make people shocked about the A-League
Grade: E
Class nickname: "HOGAN!" (In the voice of Andre The Giant)
2013 Highlight: The first 30 minutes of the year
Voted Most Likely To: Put a cross into your midsection
Grade: B
Class nickname: "Shevchenko'Dea"
2013 Highlight: Being unceremoniously flung to another outpost
Voted Most Likely To: Make move to Mongolian SuperLeague
Grade: C
Class nickname: "Luigi"
2013 Highlight: Making way for a "raft" of summer signings
Voted Most Likely To: Haunt
Grade: D
Class nickname: "Chromeo" / "The Ghost of Future Past"
2013 Highlight: 6 months of foreplay
Voted Most Likely To: Become a TFC trivia question
IN DETENTION:
Grade: B -
Class nickname: "Ecks"
2013 Highlight: Not being just some ordinary fullback
Voted Most Likely To: Get paid less
Grade: C
Class nickname: "The Goalblerone"
2013 Highlight: Keeping his chin up
Voted Most Likely To: End up as the better option
Grade: D
Class nickname: "Koef"
2013 Highlight: Recurring "calf" injury
Voted Most Likely To: Not tell anyone his "calf" injury was from trying to eat a whole calf
NEED EXTRA CREDITS
Grade: F
Class nickname: "Braunaldo"
2013 Highlight: Breaking into a full-out jog
Voted Most Likely To: Kick with his eyes closed
Grade: C -
Class nickname: "Jarsenio"
2013 Highlight: That thing he did that one time. Remember?
Voted Most Likely To: Make us say "hmm"
Grade: E
Class nickname: "Reginald B. Lambee"
2013 Highlight: Tweeting nonsense
Voted Most Likely To: Be proof of the Bermuda Triangle
Grade: D +
Class nickname: "Wet n' Wiede"
2013 Highlight: Only scoring when he looks like he's an extra in a Whitesnake video
Voted Most Likely To: Get by on his looks
DROP-OUTS
Grade: (Absent)
Class nickname: "The one with the dreads"
2013 Highlight: Pre-season
Voted Most Likely To: Be forgotten
Grade: D
Class nickname: "Rockabilly Houdini"
2013 Highlight: Disappearing. Re-appearing. Repeat.
Voted Most Likely To: Only scout surf-rockers
Grade: C +
Class nickname: "Terry F*cking Dunfield"
2013 Highlight: Leaving town like The Littlest Hobo
Voted Most Likely To: Bring sexy (sock tassels) back
Grade: F
Class nickname: "Elmer Dudd"
2013 Highlight: Doubling the squad's Swiss quotient
Voted Most Likely To: Be at the airport
Grade: D
Class nickname: "Screech"
2013 Highlight: Cutting off his afro - losing all his powers
Voted Most Likely To: Use tons of Rogaine in the off-season
Grade: (Absent)
Class nickname: "Peter Couch"
2013 Highlight: Being taller than everyone in camp
Voted Most Likely To: Look down on you. Physically.
Grade: (Absent. Very.)
Class nickname: "Philip"
2013 Highlight: Being mentioned in print
Voted Most Likely To: Never be worthy of the Miami Vice theme
Michael Thomas (right)
Posts
I'm seriously gonna miss "The Goalblerone" loved that name... It made me howl the first time I read it.
ReplyDeleteBekker's going to be a wash out.
ReplyDelete