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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The Shining Light Academy of the TFC Arts 2013 Final Report Cards


The final bell has gone, lockers are cleared out and Inukshuks are being found in unfortunate places at the high school by the lake. Principle Leiweke has promised that grade averages will skyrocket next year when a few wealthy exchange students arrive and Vice-Principle Bezbatchenko is getting a wedgie from some jocks. All that is left is for Professor Nelsen to hand out the red threads of graduation and final grades to his motley Class of 2013.



TOP OF THE CLASS:


JOE BENDIK
Grade: B
Class nickname: "Super Pickle"
2013 Highlight: Stealing that Swiss kid's desk at the back
Voted Most Likely To: Dill with it.

STEVEN CALDWELL
Grade: A -
Class nickname: "Stevie C"
2013 Highlight: Staying here on the cheap
Voted Most Likely To: Leave for Scunthorpe

MATIAS LABA
Grade: B +
Class nickname: "Mr. Laba Man"
2013 Highlight: Making his classmates look like talentless hacks
Voted Most Likely To: Watch his passes get squandered

JONATHAN OSORIO
Grade: B
Class nickname: "Deer Osorio"
2013 Highlight: Showing up out of nowhere
Voted Most Likely To: Be traded to San Jose for a Supplemental Pick


PASSING GRADES:

BOBBY CONVEY
Grade: C
Class nickname: "Convoy!"
2013 Highlight: Causing people to make truck horn noises
Voted Most Likely To: Ask himself how he ended up here

BRIGHT DIKE
Grade: C +
Class nickname: "Carnage"
2013 Highlight: Playing forward like the Kool-Aid guy
Voted Most Likely To: Injure defenders

ROBERT EARNSHAW
Grade: C
Class nickname: "Mr. March"
2013 Highlight: Springtime
Voted Most Likely To: Hibernate during summer

DONEIL HENRY
Grade: C +
Class nickname: "D'oh Henry"
2013 Highlight: Not getting a red card
Voted Most Likely To: Get a red card

ASHTONE MORGAN
Grade: C
Class nickname: #OccasionallyDisagreeableLeftBack
2013 Highlight: Getting his job back
Voted Most Likely To: Giggle at Jonas Elmer

ALVARO REY
Grade: B -
Class nickname: "Rey Rovaro"
2013 Highlight: Bagging mucho dinero
Voted Most Likely To: Be called "too expensive"

DAREL RUSSELL
Grade: C
Class nickname: "Tha Roy G." / "The Cockney Crusher"
2013 Highlight: Putting his elbows through opposition
Voted Most Likely To: Be the last thing seen before a concussion
 



FRESHMAN CLASS:

 
KYLE BEKKER
Grade: C -
Class nickname: "The 905 Kid"
2013 Highlight: Seeming eternally underwhelmed
Voted Most Likely To: Renew his GO Train PRESTO card


MARK BLOOM
Grade: C +
Class nickname: "Judy"
2013 Highlight: Being brought in as emergency depth
Voted Most Likely To: Be an opening day starter

GALE AGBOSSOUMONDE
Grade: C -
Class nickname: "Boss"
2013 Highlight: Causing expensive personalized kits
Voted Most Likely To: Be called a "big name" signing

RYAN RICHTER
Grade: D +
Class nickname: "The Minor Tremor"
2013 Highlight: You got me.
Voted Most Likely To: Be an aftershock... er... afterthought

EMERY WELSHMAN
Grade: E
Class nickname: "Welshman Rarebit Player"
2013 Highlight: Being drafted too early
Voted Most Likely To: Be expected to do more


EXCHANGED STUDENTS:

JOHN BOSTOCK
Grade: F
Class nickname: "Blah-stock"
2013 Highlight: Proving all his past loan clubs correct
Voted Most Likely To: Never change

JEREMY BROCKIE
Grade: C -
Class nickname: "The Wellington Boot"
2013 Highlight: Leading the A-League in goals
Voted Most Likely To: Make people shocked about the A-League

HOGAN EPHRAIM
Grade: E
Class nickname: "HOGAN!" (In the voice of Andre The Giant)
2013 Highlight: The first 30 minutes of the year
Voted Most Likely To: Put a cross into your midsection

DARREN O'DEA
Grade: B
Class nickname: "Shevchenko'Dea"
2013 Highlight: Being unceremoniously flung to another outpost
Voted Most Likely To: Make move to Mongolian SuperLeague

LUIS SILVA
Grade: C
Class nickname: "Luigi"
2013 Highlight: Making way for a "raft" of summer signings
Voted Most Likely To: Haunt

MAXIMILIANO URRUTI
Grade: D
Class nickname: "Chromeo" / "The Ghost of Future Past"
2013 Highlight: 6 months of foreplay
Voted Most Likely To: Become a TFC trivia question
 


 
IN DETENTION:

 
RICHARD ECKERSLEY
Grade: B -
Class nickname: "Ecks"
2013 Highlight: Not being just some ordinary fullback
Voted Most Likely To: Get paid less


STEFAN FREI
Grade: C
Class nickname: "The Goalblerone"
2013 Highlight: Keeping his chin up
Voted Most Likely To: End up as the better option

DANNY KOEVERMANS
Grade: D
Class nickname: "Koef"
2013 Highlight: Recurring "calf" injury
Voted Most Likely To: Not tell anyone his "calf" injury was from trying to eat a whole calf


NEED EXTRA CREDITS

JUSTIN BRAUN
Grade: F
Class nickname: "Braunaldo"
2013 Highlight: Breaking into a full-out jog
Voted Most Likely To: Kick with his eyes closed

JEREMY HALL
Grade: C -
Class nickname: "Jarsenio"
2013 Highlight: That thing he did that one time. Remember?
Voted Most Likely To: Make us say "hmm"

REGGIE LAMBE
Grade: E
Class nickname: "Reginald B. Lambee"
2013 Highlight: Tweeting nonsense
Voted Most Likely To: Be proof of the Bermuda Triangle

ANDREW WIEDEMAN
Grade: D +
Class nickname: "Wet n' Wiede"
2013 Highlight: Only scoring when he looks like he's an extra in a Whitesnake video
Voted Most Likely To: Get by on his looks


DROP-OUTS

ASHTON BENNETT
Grade: (Absent)
Class nickname: "The one with the dreads"
2013 Highlight: Pre-season
Voted Most Likely To: Be forgotten

DANNY CALIFF
Grade: D
Class nickname: "Rockabilly Houdini"
2013 Highlight: Disappearing. Re-appearing. Repeat.
Voted Most Likely To: Only scout surf-rockers

TERRY DUNFIELD
Grade: C +
Class nickname: "Terry F*cking Dunfield"
2013 Highlight: Leaving town like The Littlest Hobo
Voted Most Likely To: Bring sexy (sock tassels) back

JONAS ELMER
Grade: F
Class nickname: "Elmer Dudd"
2013 Highlight: Doubling the squad's Swiss quotient
Voted Most Likely To: Be at the airport

LOGAN EMORY
Grade: D
Class nickname: "Screech"
2013 Highlight: Cutting off his afro - losing all his powers
Voted Most Likely To: Use tons of Rogaine in the off-season

TAYLOR MORGAN
Grade: (Absent)
Class nickname: "Peter Couch"
2013 Highlight: Being taller than everyone in camp
Voted Most Likely To: Look down on you. Physically.

MICHAEL THOMAS
Grade: (Absent. Very.)
Class nickname: "Philip"
2013 Highlight: Being mentioned in print
Voted Most Likely To: Never be worthy of the Miami Vice theme

Michael Thomas (right)
 

2 comments:

  1. I'm seriously gonna miss "The Goalblerone" loved that name... It made me howl the first time I read it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bekker's going to be a wash out.

    ReplyDelete