The Yorkies' Regular Features

Starting 11       The Word       The Matchup       After 90       The South Stand Report

Friday, September 27, 2013

THE MATCHUP: "Look over there... waffles!"

It's your basic 5-Waffle Plan

Wow. If MLS could justify erasing a match from their fixture list it is this one. A match-up so bad that TFC coaches Ryan Nelsen and Fran O'Leary got themselves banned from the touchline so they wouldn't have to watch... we assume. (This of course leaves Jim Brennan in charge... as was foreseen in the Book of Revelation.) The battle of the worst club in league history vs. the only other club that had the gall to have a worse record than them this season. A humdinger gang!

Even at full strength, this fixture should be a battle to see who is relegated to the NASL, throw in the fact that D.C has a US Open Cup fixture on Tuesday and the talent level that will be on display is rather mesmerizing. The last place club's reserve team against a club that has offered 7 years’ worth of reserve teams to their fans.

We would offer our usual pre-match malarkey here but we would say the "Players To Watch" are not watchable; "The Odds" are you are attending or watching through habit or obligation; and the "Post-Match Headline" is mostly old-man mumbling. Instead we bring you the highlights of the truly important TFC event of the day - The TFC Presidential Breakfast for (SOME) Season Ticket Holders! Not part of the royal gathering? No worries here are the best parts of tomorrow's shindig... today!

-Tim Leiweke does not talk a word of "spin" nor "sizzle" during 45-minute speech from a throne of made of melted Stanley Cups and Tom Anselmi's reclaimed gold fillings. Ends rousing manifesto with a sing-a-long of "The Monorail Song".
- Ryan Nelsen spotted sitting alone at end of head table slumped in a chair looking either sleepy, dejected or like a lame duck. (TBD)
- Stefan Frei pulled to one side and told he isn't allowed to appear at the breakfast. Joe Bendik waves at him while happily munching on a pickle.
- Drama in the lobby of RealSports Bar & Grill as former TFC striker Collin Samuel is taken down by MLSE Security tranquilizer guns as he makes a mad dash towards the buffet table.
- Jim Brennan asked to chew up some tater tots and gently spit them into Bitchy the Hawk's awaiting beak.
- Danny Koevermans makes a "miraculous" recovery and is taken off the injured list to take part in the "Aunt Jemima's Million Dollar Dream Pancake Throwdown". Immediately goes back on injured list after the contest.
- GM Tim Bezbatchenko overheard haggling with servers to exchange his plate of scrambled eggs for a boiled egg and a 3rd Round Supplemental Draft Pick in 2015.
- All eyes on the giant video wall as the lights are dimmed for the showing of the 90-minute documentary: "Get Used To It: The Kevin Payne Year(s)"
- Hundreds temporarily blinded as shirt cannons misfire and scalding hot maple syrup is sprayed over front three rows of dining supporters.
- Everyone asked to leave the premises before the hounds are released and to "ignore the fact that only cold brown toast has been offered for 7 years as some serious back bacon is coming in January"


  1. I had a on Saturday for no extra pay or go to the TFC game.

    I hope everyone has fun!

  2. In all seriousness (sorry about that) I don't get the monorail references which have come up a couple of times lately. -- Asmus

    1. No worries! This is primarily an educational site after all!

      It's a reference to an episode of The Simpsons where the town is bamboozled by a huckster monorail salesman who tricks them with lots of promises of greatness and fancy buzzwords if they will just hand over their money to him.

      Any comparisons with MLSE employees past or present are completely coincidental-ish.

      Cheers Asmus!

    2. Aha, yes of course, sorry for the duh! Now if only Mayor Frod would build a monorail to a big-ass Ferris wheel right next to BMO Field, we could have both sizzle & spin at the games! And when Scotts declines to be a sponsor for a plastic pitch in the future, or for a grass field that's been rototilled by the Argos in the previous week, then the chosen few could be offered seats on the big wheel instead of the Scotts Lawn Lounge.

      BTW when the Cdn Press pre-game report sounds almost as facetious as the most sarcastic fan blogs, you know there's a problem:

      "Fifteen of the league's 19 teams have more points that the two clubs combined (38). And the Columbus Crew are tied with 38 points." Holy crap!

      And this gem: "Going into weekend play, Los Angeles, Montreal, New York, Portland and Real Salt Lake have all scored more goals than Toronto (25) and D.C. United (19) have combined."

  3. I will have my gang of security guards with cattle prods surrounding me just like the town halls.

    I'm worried when people keep saying short stack that T-Bez will think he's back in high school on a weekend

    1. Damn. I left my cattle prod at work! We'll just pin you to the chair again.