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Monday, December 16, 2013

THE STARTING 11: Ways that Drake persuades DP's to sign with Toronto FC

Drake aka "Drizzy"

If there is some kind of Bat-Signal that originates deep from inside infamous Toronto "hood' Forest Hill, someone best light it up. With the kerfuffle going on at Tottenham Hotspur today, there is much local hand-wringing over the potential transfer of Jermain Defoe to TFC. If there were ever a time when MLSE needed their celebrity closer - rapping guy/Degrassi invalid, Drake - to come through, it's now! Gilberto was successfully hugged out but now Drizzy (his legal name) must use all of his tricks to bag the big star striker. But just how does he do it?

11. New signings allowed to refer to midfield as their "entourage"

10. Your goal celebrations come with full phalanx of scantily clad backup dancers

9. He will gladly lend you his prop Degrassi: The Next Generation wheelchair when you inevitably blow out your ACL in New England

8. The name on the back of your shirt is followed by "feat. Drake & L'il Wayne"

7. A very romantic "Welcome to Toronto" dinner for two atop the CN Tower with Raptors' center Jonas Valanciunas

6. You are immediately invited into a feud with Chris Brown

5. "The Zit Remedy" will play live at your birthday party

4. Will allow you to join his crew on their quest to circumnavigate the globe by sea! (CORRECTION: That is "Ways that Sir Francis Drake persuades DP's to sign with Toronto FC")

3. Your Gatorade bottles replaced by Cristal champagne
2. Personally re-writes his lyrics to chart your career path into: "Started from the top, now you're here"

1. You are allowed to refer to Ryan Nelsen as "Nizzy"
Sir Francis Drake aka "Drizzy"

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