AFTER 90: Five Minutes of Madness

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK

Absolutely lifeless for 85 minutes.







Then this guy...

Then this guy...

Ugly.

Resurrected.
Robbed.

CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 1

THE MATCHUP: No Days Off

"2015? Anyone? Anyone?"

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO

TOYOTA PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET

TV: SPORTSNET ONE

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Save Ferris Charity Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**

CHICAGO FIRE

- "Les jeux sont faits. Translation: The game is up. Your ass is mine." is Mike Magee's favourite bit of banter in the tunnel before a match.

- It is German Heritage Night at Toyota Park on Saturday. Security will be on high alert to stop attempts by suburban teens who aim to illegally join the halftime parade.

- "Like Dirty Harry": How Jeff Larentowicz models his game.

- The Toyota Park PA system is equipped with a high-end synthesizer that has over 50 different pre-loaded coughing and barfing sound effects.

- Angry Fire supporters, disappointed with a lacklustre season, have threatened to reverse a 1961 Ferrari off of the stadium's upper deck.

- "Abe Froman's Sausages" have won the 2015 Toyota Park concessions license from local French caterer "Chez Quis" whose staff were deemed "snooty" and/or "snotty" by Fire supporters.

- "You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go." - Frank Yallop to Greg Vanney post-match after commiserating on TFC's playoff hopes.

TORONTO FC

- "Soft": The best description for Gummi Bears that have been sitting in your pocket all day and/or the Toronto FC defence.

- "SAVE NELLIE" has yet to appear on a single Toronto-area water tower.

- TFC's sub-par scouting department spent 8 months attempting to sign a "Danke Schoen" who they thought was a potential German DP striker.

- "Voodoo Economics": The financial plan being put in place at MLSE to attempt the sale of 2015 TFC season tickets.

- "Anyone? Anyone?": The answer to the question of "Who is this new TFC assistant coach?"

- "Ed": The only Rooney likely to sign for TFC anytime soon.

- "Enough": How many Days Off Jermain Defoe has had.

*Possibly

**Maybe

THE SOUTH COUCH REPORT : Toronto v Chicago... Or head colds in August sucks

I don't know what I did to deserve this? I'm a good person.  I am a part of an internationally acclaimed podcast.  I make custom soccer jerseys for laughs.  I shouldn't have got sick on my birthday week.  Now I'm on the couch while my brother in law babysits my seats.  So stupid.

Looks like everyone is healthy.  Everyone except me.

3' - GOAL - Osorio to Morrow whose cross is headed in by Soumare.  He doesn't play for us.
ROBINS 1, WATER 0

5' - Oduro with a quality through to Gilberto forces a good diving  save from the Chicago keeper

22' - SUB - guess everyone wasn't as healthy as we thought as Caldwell comes off for Henry

43' - Closed my eyes for a bit.  Didn't miss a thing it appears

52' - There's a nap.  Missed nothing it seems

57' - YELLOW -  Warner goes in for a rough challenge.

57' - SUB - Jackson will come in for an injured Morrow

61' - Two minute nap. Well earned.

65' - Robert Earnshaw comes into the match. Good for him.  Hope he does well.   Next game.

69' - If I took a shot of cough medicine every time Dunleavy or Dolan used the adjective of "twisting"  in describing Amarikwa, I'd have long exceeded the recommended dosage #memorizedTheReport

70' -  GOAL - really Earnshaw? It's nowhere near October.  Counter, cross, header.
ROBINS 1, WATER 1

77' - SUB - Defoe comes off for Moore

79' - GOAL - Moore sends Gilberto through on a break and beats the keeper and buries it. GOALberto!
ROBINS 2, WATER 1

81' - Osorio breaks away and his shot is deflected by an impressive lunge to prevent which was obviously a goal

90' - GOAL - M*therf#cker.  Seriously? Are they out of ex-Robins? Amarikwa scores. No mentioning of twisting. I assume someone told them to knock it off with same descriptor.
ROBINS 2, WATER 2

3 mins of extra time 

90+3' - Henry should be booked.  Why not, this has had everything else.

FULL TIME : TORONTO 2, CHICAGO 2

Coughing Fits : 8

Messy Kleenex : 2

Phlegm : you bet.

Heavy Eyes : 29 mins worth,  including half time.

I think I'm doing better tonight than I was yesterday or even this morning.  Plenty of naps and football, like any good doctor would prescribe. Trying to stay away from NyQuil, who is a dear friend, due to the chance of having to drive people to the airport tomorrow. Hopefully will recover in time for podcasting. Though may produce less than 5% of the facts, the loss of nearly 43% of the comedy is a mighty blow to a side the struggles to keep it to a respectable length week in week out.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Bloom 7, Caldwell N/A [Henry 6.5], Hagglund 6.5, Morrow 6.5 [Jackson N/A], Oduro 6.5, Bradley 6, Warner 6, Osorio 6.5, Defoe 6 [Moore N/A], Gilberto 7

Contrarary to popular belief, @ignirtoq was not deliriously singing the Dichio song all game as the he's sick and not hallucinating. Full disclosure, he was sure last night Toronto signed Wayne Rooney, along with Troy and Abed from Community and one of those minions from the Despicable Me movies. The minion was the only one on DP money.

THE MATCHUP: "Do you wanna go Fire?!"

TORONTO FC VS. CHICAGO FIRE
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM
TV: SPORTSNET 360

FACTS* AND STATS**
TORONTO FC
- 98%: Chance that Tim Leiweke's resignation will be involve the word "Argonauts"
- 2%: Chance that Tim Leiweke's successor at MLSE will have any f*cks to give about TFC.
- TFC physios are on alert for higher than usual "corn dog-related" injuries for the duration of the CNE.
- 7: Number of emotional reunions this season if Jermain Defoe returns to The Reds' lineup this weekend.
- Vegas odds put a Robert Earnshaw Saturday hat-trick at 2:1
- 82%: Probability of this fixture descending into a skirmish, kerfuffle and/or handbags.
- "Yes": The only acceptable answer to "Do you wanna go faster?"

CHICAGO FIRE
-72% of Americans think of the TV Show first when they hear "Chicago Fire"
- 6 Months: Average gap between Robert Earnshaw goals in Major League Soccer.
- Fire forward Harry Shipp has won the coveted 2014 "Player Whose Name Most Suits a Pirate"
- Chicago currently 2nd in the Eastern Conference behind Montreal Impact as "The New TFC"
- Fire were third place in the recent Chicago Cup behind FC Earth and Wind City.
- "Draw": Frank Yallop's favourite result during a game of "Win, Lose or Draw"
- Chicago Fire defender Hunter Jumper is the closest thing MLS has to a green British sweater.


*Possibly
**Maybe

THE SOUTH COUCH REPORT : Chicago v Toronto... or Watching It In Case There Is Another Fight

The weather is perfect tonight.  The  new digs have a theatre in the basement and [Stop bragging.  ~Ed.] 

We kinda previewed this on the Vocal Minority Podcast.  So listen to it and absorb what I said.   Man this couch is so comfy [Seriously.  Stop bragging.  ~Ed.] 

Chicago hasn't exactly picked up where they left off.  Magee isn't lighting it up,  but ex-Robin Amarikwa somehow has. 

Looks like it's raining.  Bummer.  

Onto the match:

5' - I hope the Canadian teams are never offered kits with flag imprints in the numbers.  Unless it's with the civic flag.  That would be sweet. 

28' - RED - well that's a bit of crap.  Newly subbed out of my fantasy team Luke Moore goes up for a header with elbows up and clocks Ritter hard.  Replay showed no intent to injure. Yellow in my books but not a ref. 

41' -  I think I understand what Caldwell was doing with that diving header but it still was ugly and gave Amarikwa a half chance at net.  Nothing came of it. 

42' - GOAL - Defoe down the wing floats a ball into the box and finds an unmarked Jackson to head it down into the net.
WATER 0, ROBINS 1

45+2 - Caldwell takes a boot to the face from an Amarikwa bicycle kick attempt and gets a yellow. Inconsistent much ref? 

Half Time Mood : not too shabby being a man down. 

51' - Caldwell passes back to Bendik whose attempt to clear it shanks it behind himself for a corner. 

53' -  YELLOW - Caldwell keeps his arms out like an airplane to block a cross. 

54' -  ensuing free kick has Magee launch one that Bendik parries away. 

56' - GOAL - Shipp cuts into the box and fires which defects slightly off of Warner and Bendik gets a hand to it,  but not enough to prevent it going in.

WATER 1, ROBINS 1

72' -  Sumare offside as he pops it past Bendik. No goal. 

83' - Bendik bails out a great attempt from Chicago as the ball is played through low and Magee puts the slightest touch,  forcing a save from the redirected ball. 

86' -  so Oduro takes a mid air deliberate elbow to the head and that's only a yellow.  I see what's going on here... 

86' - SUB - Orr comes in for Osorio 

3 minutes of extra time

90+2' - Chicago corner sees Bendik punch it out.  Counter attack into the Fire half has Oduro launch a ball that the keeper just tips over for a Toronto corner.   Not bad effort. 

Full Time : CHICAGO 1, TORONTO 1

Man of the Match : Bendik was the difference between a point and no points

Goat of the Game : none. 

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5. take one off for the red, and one off for each of the non-reds for Chicago's dangerous challenges. 

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : maybe a sub earlier or at the end to run down the clock. 

If You PVR'd It : watch the red card at the 23rd minute,  then fast forward to the 40th and let it run.

Player Ratings : Bendik 7.5, Bloom 6.5, Caldwell 7, Hagglund 7, Morrow 6.5, Oduro 6, Warner 6, Osorio 6 [Orr N/A] , Jackson 6.5, Moore N/A, Defoe 6.5

THE MATCHUP: Catching Fire... (With Bonus STARTING 11 - Yours Free with Purchase!)

Great Lakes fever!

 

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK - WEDNESDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Because TFC are attempting to become a fairly solid club away from home. Fun and weird isn't it?!
- Can the smouldering Jermain Defoe keep his hot streak alive? Can he play a full 90? Are him and Gilberto BFF's 4 Life again?
- Because Chicago and Toronto have some real hard-nosed battles and really should be more heated rivals.
- Can TFC's bench strength produce the same positive football we saw in large parts of the match against New York?
- Deep Dish is excellent.
- Can Gilberto bounce back from injury and get another goal?
- You'll still be hungover from Canada Day - have a better plan?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Copa Del Grandos Lagos"

THE DUEL:
Mike Magee vs. Jermain Defoe

BONUS!!!

THE STARTING 11: Things that Jermain Defoe said to Gilberto during their free kick scuffle

Strikers are a proud lot. The best ones want the ball at their feet at all times. While that desire to be the big man on campus is a positive for many forwards, it can sometimes create friction with teammates. As TFC supporters watched on with horrific visions of a dressing room meltdown, Jermain Defoe and Gilberto went handbags at each other at Red Bull Arena with Defoe knocking the ball away before walking away swearing in Cockney. Luckily for Gilberto, he scored a screamer and the what-ifs will never need to be worried about but what was said to him by Defoe in the lead-up to that famous goal?

11. "I'm a Big Bloody Deal! You are merely a Fairly Substantial Acquisition!"

10. "Yikes! I just saw a C.H.U.D. under the pitch let me slam its cannibalistic head with the ball!"

9. "This is NO way to treat a former guest of the Much Music Video Awards!"

8. "There is absolutely no way you score here. Mathematical impossibility. Boy are you going to look dumb. It's your life chum."

7. "This is a disgrace! I played for Portsmouth! I command your respect!"

6. "There's a bee on the ball! I'll swat it off for you pal!"

5. "Do you realize how many potential New York WAGS are waiting to watch me take this free kick? So selfish."

4. "Please let me take this. If I score then the Daily Mail will write another article lambasting Roy Hodgson!"

3. "Ok, let's pretend to fight... when they get distracted... blast it!"

2. "This ain't no car commercial Gilberto."

1. "You're lucky I don't bite you."



THE LONELY GARBER - An Away Day Guide to: Chicago Fire

Makes "Datsun Park" look like a hole 

Welcome to "The Lonely Garber" - a highly factual-ish travel guide for the adventurous football supporter to some of Major League Soccer's most fabled destinations. Also: Columbus. Join us now as we continue our way across this girthy continent...

THE OPPONENT:
CHICAGO FIRE
TOYOTA PARK - Bridgeview, Illinois

THE TOWN:
Nestled along the Long Duck Dong Bay of southern Lake Michigan is the quaint and utterly relaxed hamlet of Bridgeview, Illinois - Chicagoland suburb and home to Chicago Fire. Although archeological evidence of a past Native American settlement named Brathemocblanco (Translation: "Where the Rotund Goat becomes Sausage") is abundant, modern-day Bridgeview is a relatively young village, fiercely proud of its moniker as "America's Day Off Town".

Incorporated in 1986, Bridgeview had a peculiar start as co-founder and first mayor, Cameron Frye, using clauses from the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act, managed to seize control of the region from former hardline local area principal Edward Rooney. Frye, with support of a local population of motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies and dickheads established the town in honour of a local dying teen (later proven to be misdiagnosed). To celebrate the (apparent) short time the teen had left on this earth, Bridgeview was proclaimed as a place where anyone in the Chicago-area that needed a "day off with no questions asked" would always be welcomed.

With such blatant disregard for work ethic, Bridgeview has had more than its fair share of economic hiccups but has prospered somewhat in the synthesizer, gag medical diagnostics and erotic floral delivery industries. With an exciting "daylife" (as opposed to "nightlife") Bridgeview has something for anyone who may have a few hours to kill. Must-sees for any sightseer include: the cured meat wonderment of The Abe Froman Hall of Sausage; the deep lush wilderness of The Ferrari Ravine; and, the whimsical Multilingual Multilevel Parking Garage (gratuity not included). So take a day off for Bridgeview, Illinois... just tell them there's a funeral or something.

Village motto: "Ohhhhh yeeeah! Chicka-chick-ahh"

 

Charity begins at home...

AFTER 90: "It's purely Stefual"

"HE'S ALIVE!"

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - Much like suburban Chicago teens Garry and Wyatt, we sit by our computer generally disillusioned with how things have turned out. Just replace teen angst and raging hormones with TFC angst and raging... well, rage. We tried hooking up our computer cables to a Diego Maradona action figure, an MLS matchday program from 2009 and a David Lee Roth video in an attempt to create a DP out of thin air but all that happened was Joe Bendik got suspended and we get one last shower with Stefan Frei. Does anyone know how to get a nuclear warhead out of a living room?

1' - "So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?"
5' - Robert Earnshaw skies a sitter over the bar. The scoring equivalent to taking a shower in your trousers.
7' - Stefan Frei, apparently some new Swiss goalkeeper, looking very sharp in both saves and distribution. Looks like he has a future. FREIENCE!
12' - Tim "Wyatt" Leiweke: But it's not so bad. We can hear the playoffs.
Tim "Garry" Bezbatchenko: [sarcastically] We can hear the playoffs, that's great. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the DP's!
25' - Mike Magee: Tell me something. What's a Swiss dude like you doing with malakas like these? Huh?
Stefan Frei: It's purely temporary.
Magee: No shit.
Steven Caldwell: He's into malakas, Mike!
Magee: He's into malakas"! Do you believe that?
28' - Earnshaw goal disallowed - much like any contract renewal should be.
33' - Frei with another solid bit of positioning. FREIENCE!
40' - Reggie Lambe needs to drop and give us 50 at Shermer High. Permanently.
44' - Ryan Nelsen: [on halftime preparations] You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic MLS orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of dozen bad footballers running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.

HALFTIME: CHICAGO 0 - TORONTO 0

To the showers...

SECOND HALF:
45' - TFC starts the 2nd Half trying to avoid having slushees poured on their heads from the upper level of Toyota Park
50' - Don Garber: You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for winning football, not for halftime stupidity and DP promises. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.
Tim "Wyatt" Leiweke: We forgot to build an actual team.
Don Garber: You forgot to build an actual team.
58' - Bright Dike the only one who may possibly gate-crash this mutant-filled house party
64' - PENALTY: Jonathan Osorio gets called for a dodgy handball in the box. Mike "Tits" Magee takes the spot-kick and scores - GOAL
CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 0
65' - Ryan Nelsen: [to referee Edvin Jurisevic] Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls!
70' - Alvaro Rey growing on us like a Chet boil after almost beating Fire keeper Sean Johnson
73' - SUB: Robert Earnshaw OFF / Andrew Wiedeman ON
74' - Fran O'Leary: This is an Andrew Wiedeman!
Ryan Nelsen: I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey!
83' - SUB: Bright Dike OFF / Justin Braun ON
90' - Don Garber: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your supporters' only outlet is tossing off to FourFourTwo magazine in the bathroom?
Tim Leiweke: Oh supporters! Oh my God!
TFC supporters: Tim, we never tossed off to anything!
Tim Leiweke: You told me you were buying a butty!
TFC supporters: We were! We were!
90'+ - FREIENCE!　

FULL TIME: CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 0

PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5 / Alvaro Rey 6.5 / Jonathan Osorio 5.5 / Kyle Bekker 5 / Reggie Lambe 5 / Bright Dike 5.5 (Justin Braun N/A ) / Robert Earnshaw 5 (Andrew Wiedeman 4) 　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Stefan Frei. Because it's the last time we get to do that. 　

THE BATH:
Well ironically it took a bit of "weird science" for Chicago to get the match's only goal in the form of a phantom hand ball off of Osorio. In general, a poor version of a football match with entertaining bits few and far between. You know, like the "Weird Science" TV series.

For those of you getting your jollies from Montreal hanging on to the last playoff spot by le fingertips, the result doesn't hurt your pettiness. We need something after all no? The match also did much to highlight that as teams like Montreal and Chicago struggle to go further into the season, TFC is still a million miles away from competing with quality teams in this league. Not two DP's away.

Finally, a likely goodbye to TFC stalwart and all-round top chap Stefan Frei. We may never get the pleasure of seeing him in a TFC kit again but he should be remembered fondly for being a good egg while being bombarded in goal like a dodgeball player since joining the club. You're a bigger man than me Stefan, after TFC's class-free handling of you this year, I would have picked up a "Dutch calf injury" on Thursday - but you love this club. Wish they'd done the same back to you this year. Danke.


Tim and Tim set their DP plan in motion...

THE MATCHUP: Requiem for a Goalblerone

Bye, bye mon Swiss cowboy

 

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO

TOYOTA PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET

TV: TSN 2

THE KICKABOUT:

Yo Scottie! Run the triangle! (What's up Chicago?)

Ah the cherished late-season role of "spoiler". The solace of the eternal underachiever. "If we can't have nice things then why should you?!" Then you blow a raspberry. The question is: how can something like TFC that is long spoilt (in the sell-by-date sense) truly be handed such responsibility? Let's face it, TFC couldn't be put in charge of spoiling milk in the midday sun. So, let's just let American Toronto get on with their business of suckling from the teet of MLS playoffs while Canadian Chicago looks forward to 2015 when our shiny new DP's turn 33.

The only notable thing in this match is of course the likely farewell to TFC stalwart and all-round quality chap, Stefan Frei. After an awful season that saw him rooted to the bench, Frei gets the start over the suspended Super Pickle. While in theory, Ryan Nelsen could do the right thing and let him start at home next week - he probably won't. Which is a high-end douche move. So we say farewell to Frei on TV, not fitting for a good TFC soldier. Is he better than Joe Bendik? We think so yes. Is he better on $200K? Nope... and that's why we say auf Wiedersehen to The Goalblerone.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

The Stefan Frei Testimonial Match

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

CHICAGO: Jalil Anibaba, Mike "Tits" Magee, Patrick Nyarko

TORONTO: Stefan Frei. That's all.

THE ODDS:

Stefan Frei post-match remarks:

- "It's been an honour to play for Toronto FC": 500-1

- "I will miss the fans and my teammates": 100-1

-"Hey Nelsen, good luck with this shitshow you Kiwi bastard": 2-1

WHO ARE YA?

In our quest to help you learn more about our MLS opponents we thought we would pass on some internet research we did on Chicago Fire. Here is what we found:

Chicago Fire is an American television drama that airs on NBC on Wednesdays at 10:00 pm EST/9:00 p.m. CST during the 2012–13 television season. Created by Michael Brandt and Derek Haas and produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, the show follows the lives of the firefighters and paramedics working at the Chicago Fire Department at the firehouse of Engine 51, Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61 and Battalion 25. The firehouse shown is Engine 18's Quarters located at 1360 S. Blue Island Ave. between 13th & Racine. The series premiered on October 10, 2012. The pilot episode had an early release at NBC.com, before the series' premiere on television.

　

On April 26, 2013, NBC renewed Chicago Fire for a second season, and moved its time slot to Tuesdays at 10:00 pm. EST. The season debuted on September 24, 2013.

(Ed. ~ Wikipedia you tricky son of a bitch.)

POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
"DANKE IHNEN HERR FREI"

And... Since it's our last chance to hit the scene shootin' jumpers - STEVE KERR - and we are officially the riff raff of MLS...



THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Chicago... or 3 points away from relegation safety!

The following analysis is based on a hypothetical scenario that will likely never happen in Canada & the U.S. due to greedy people wanting to remain greedy, regardless how good for the game it could be.

Here we are, the home stretch! The relegation battle is on!

MLS Bottom 4 POS TEAM PTS GR 16 Columbus 32 6 17 Chivas 25 6 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 18 Toronto 22 7 19 DC 14 7

NASL Top 4 POS TEAM PTS GR 1 Carolina 30 8 2T Tampa Bay 28 8 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 2T Atlanta 28 8 4 Minnesota 22 8

Chivas is only 3 points ahead, but Toronto has a game in hand. With seven matches to go, the chase is on for survival.

Man, doesn't that potentially sound exciting? Oh sure, there's the possibility that Toronto could be in the second division with *gulp* Ottawa and Edmonton but to be fair, TFC would deserve that for how terrible they've been playing. Also, with the resources at hand, winning the second division should be a cakewalk.  It wouldn't, but it should.

Surely Carolina and Tampa Bay would play at least more competent footy than Toronto does. But the last games would actually mean something! Let's face it, the mighty Robins' season became a bust sometime in June. This would be exciting. The veteran players would actually have to fight for something: their jobs, their contracts and their current pay-rates! None of this 'going through the motions' bullshit. Wouldn't it be magical?

Toronto has come off of a fresh thumping at the hands of Portland that they deserved.  Then as a punishment, they traded 5-month-pursued-and-37-minutes-played Urruti to them in exchange for Bright Dike.  That will teach both of them.

With the threat of a lightning storm looming overhead all night, we proceed, with caution, to the match:

20' - GOAL - 30 yard looping pass by Dilly Duka tries to get on the end of Magee's foot but just out of reach... however Bendik played the anticipated touch and not the ball and his dive at Magee's feet meant the ball bounced over him. tragic.
ROBINS 0, WATER 1

23' - GOAL - well ain't that some shizz, Earnshaw at the right side of the 6yd box side steps a sliding defender and pops it in.
ROBINS 1, WATER 1

25' - SUB - Earnshaw is hurt and comes off for Justin Braun.

45' - Rey blasts one from 20yds out and beats everyone except the underside of the crossbar and bounces out.

45' - YELLOW - Braun for something

57' - Series of blown passes and tackles on a Toronto counter attack finds the ball at Braun's feet. A few step-overs and a missed opportunity to pass to a wide open Wiedeman later, Justin has a go and fires across the Dave of goal just missing the far post. Not terrible but should have been better.

66' - Convey corner finds Henry's header and it just glances wide of the top corner.

71' - YELLOW - Jeremy Hall goes into the books for a perfectly fine tackle.

75' - SUB - Wiedeman comes off for Dike

78' - Amarikwa sent in on goal and our Super Pickle (in blue) Bendik stretches out to palm the ball wide of the post. Great stop.

89' - SUB - new boy Elmer comes on for Rey

4 minutes of extra time

91' - YELLOW - Henry keeps the booking tradition alive and gets booked for a rough-ish tackle

Full Time : Toronto 1, Chicago 1

Man of the Match : Alvaro Rey was outstanding on the wing, solid crosses and wasn't afraid to have a go from distance

Goat of the Game : though he improved (or got lucky) once Dike came on, but Braun was a liability for his first 40 mins

Ref Rating : was cruising to a 4, but gets a 3 out of 5 for carding what appeared to be non-calls

Kit Spotting : Wolves, Sao Paolo and a sweet Inverness Caley Thistle from neighbour @jonarthur

I was surprised how well Morgan and Hall were playing all night.  In fact, all of the defenders played well offensively.  Defensively, it's a bit of a mixed bag... Bendik needs to go back to the green kit.  This "Super Pickle" thing is gimmicky gold!... Sitting with @DuncanDFletcher and @RedWineRoz and we couldn't help but remark that because Magee was a gametime decision, there was a conscious effort to not mark the guy with a boatload of goals scored for the first 35 minutes. I'm sure it was all part of the strategy (but somehow it worked)... Hey, the same weather that scared many supporters away actually held off all game... Rey was just killing it on the right side. He deserved at least a goal and an assist. Hope this is a sign of things to come... Well played to those with the "No Argos At BMO" banner. Should have been bigger draped over the empty seats... Was anybody else freaking out when Dike was getting in some hard tackles? The man just came back from an ACL injury. He was on the pitch for 15-20 minutes and was in a few quality challenges.

And now an open letter for former Toronto Mayor David Miller,

Please come back. Please. Pleasepleasepleaseplease! Would you consider a position as the Toronto FC's president? Cannot be possibly worse than the last pack of inept monkeys. And your approval rating would certainly spike interest!

This masterpiece aimed at MLSE is the greatest open letter ever in Toronto FC history. And I know from experience: lobbying for Bendik to wear green again, and getting Frei an opportunity to gain some valuable field time, both well-thought out requests, if I may be so bold.

If the TFC president thing doesn't pan out, how can we talk you into replacing the windbag who filled your position? No? Just a thought.

Sincerely, The Yorkies.

Player Ratings :  Bendik 6, Eckersly 6.5, Caldwell 6, Henry 6, Morgan 6.5, Rey 7.5 [Elmer N/A], Hall 6, Osorio 6, Convey 6, Wiedeman 6 [Dike N/A], Earnshaw 6 [Braun 5.5]

@ignirtoq was happy with the performance, but couldn't help that he missed out on Canada's newest gameshow, Spin-Out, which airs every Wednesday at 8pm on CHCH.  You should watch it.  You have to be super super smart to win on there.  Or so he's heard.

THE MATCHUP: Remembering heroes

#NeverForget

 

TORONTO VS. CHICAGO

　

BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET

TV: TSN

THE KICKABOUT:

This fixture is dedicated to remembering heroes and the lost dreams of yesteryear.

It was a time of innocence. The world was our oyster; youthful exuberance abounded. After early struggles, our young uniformed men had gained a great victory. Lead by an honourable veteran, it seemed as if the tide had turned. Tickertape and seat cushions were showered upon the conquering heroes... the foe from abroad had been vanquished.

The date was May 12, 2007.
A date that will live in sorta, kinda infamy.

Yes, with the return of our Great Lakes rival, we take a moment to solemnly remember their first invasion on our shore. That 24th minute goal by Danny Dichio which propelled TFC to their first ever victory and promised years of victories to follow.

No one realized that we had reached our finest hour so early and that all that would follow would be seven years of endless struggle.

Also: Toronto FC has designated this match as "Support the Troops Night" at BMO Field. Make up your own mind whether this is a benevolent, charitable act or a crass attempt to positively bathe a corporation with a bad image on others' sacrifice. Your call.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The What Could Have Been Testimonial Match"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Steven Caldwell, Robert Earnshaw

CHICAGO: Austin Berry, Mike Magee, Bakary Soumare

THE ODDS:

TFC fixture compared to:

- ... a great tactical victory: 500-1

- ... trench warfare: 100-1

- ... 7 years in a Prisoner of War camp: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?

A LIST OF HONOURABLE TORONTO FC ACHIEVEMENTS SINCE MAY 12, 2007:

-

-

-

- Fired Mo Johnston

-

-

-

- That time we beat LA Galaxy in the CCL

-

-

-

- Present.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC! WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN'!"

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Chicago... Or it'll all be over soon

Many random-ass questions flood my mind and have kept me up at night.  What if Optimus Prime had survived the first time? What will be the go-to costume this hallowe'en? Is it possible to have a national team that plays at the level related to the sum of its parts? Remember SlamBall and how much fun that looked? What would it take Ryan Gosling and Tyler Labine to do a buddy movie like the old days?

Summer turns to fall, so does the annual tradition of "is it over yet"?  Leaf fans know this as "spring".  Jays fans know this as "June".  I'm sitting in a wee restaurant killing the time and the latest question is "how many will turn out tonight?".  Its a gorgeous night, weather-wise, but looking at my limited twitter feed, everyone knows someone looking to offload some tickets. (I'm predicting less than 8000, for what its worth) [Editor : 14,600 turned up. Madonna must be furious]

Toronto is adrift in mediocrity and, well, I like going out to the park... So standings and streaks be damned, especially since they're crap.

Who will step up tonight? Who will show that the future isn't as bleak and DP-tied as it seems?  Who's cuisine will reign supreme?!

13' - GOAL - Shot comes off the post and rolls into Fernandes path who puts it out of the reach of Kocic.
ROBINS 0, WATERBOYS 1

42' - GOAL - Rolfe scored it.
ROBINS 0, WATERBOYS 2

Half-Time Notes : Amarikwa was sniffing for goal multiple times.  Looked like he was poised for bagging some goals as he was making some solid runs but the defense shut him down.  Toronto had the majority of positive aggressive possession but nothing came of it. Chicago had four attempts and, well, you know...

45' - SUB - Wiedeman came off for Morgan.  Seems a bit harsh, and confusing... winger for defender...

56' - SUB - Emory for Avila.  OK, defender for a midfielder.  Balance has been restored.

66' - YELLOW - Morgan booked for something very likely suspect.

75' - SUB - Amarikwa comes off for Stinson.  Also seems bizarre as Amarikwa was playing well from what I watched...

79' - GOAL - Hassli pots one across Johnson and into the far right corner.  About time someone solved him.
ROBINS 1, WATERBOYS 2

90' - YELLOW - Avila gets booked for a bit of a clumsy challenge.

4 minutes of extra time

Full Time : Toronto 1, Chicago 2

* Toronto FC have been mathematically, physically, emotionally and athletically eliminated from play-off contention

Man of the Match : no one was truly stand out.

Goat of the Game : no one was truly mediocre.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Perhaps I'm still seething from the disgusting display of reffing from Panama last night, but too much leeway was given to Chicago tonight.

Much of the talk in our section when it got quiet was regarding seasons ticket renewals. If the MLSE braintrust believes fans don't talk about this in the stands, you're nuts. In 6 years, you get to know your neighbours... Avila was a fire cracker when he finally got on the pitch. Hopefully that translates to a start on Saturday... Kocic was hung out to dry a few times tonight.  The man just had triplets, he can't stop everything!... For all the chest bumping and aggro grandstanding, it was nice to see so few "hardcore support" come out tonight... Wiedeman looked good near the front, resuming service from the last time we saw him.  Won't dream of asking him to defend... I know the measure of a good defense involves how few opportunities you hand your opponents for a free go at your keeper, and there were too many.  But, felt that they did everything else above what I expect from them.  I think that's why I couldn't out them as goats... What the hell is with Hassli? Everytime he shot, passed or missed, he does these over-dramatic hand gestures like he was so close to the greatest moment ever. This was well before the goal he bagged. Maybe he feels he's some tortured artist but someone should ask him to turn that down a few notches.  It looks silly.

I like coming out to the park.  I genuinely do.  I like the majority of my neighbours and the transplants who have become staples over the last few seasons.  I like the camaraderie that being in the south end provides.

Something about the team is crap, and this blog, as well as many others, have speculated what exactly that is.  But I keep paying for that crap.  I tell myself that said crap isn't what I pay for, but being out at the park, hanging with my friends, talking about footie and having a location to facilitate that bond.

Community is what keeps me coming back.  Even though I couldn't give my other ticket away tonight.  Even though many others couldn't give their tickets away tonight. What remains is my community.

I eagerly anticipate what the brains at MLSE have in store for me and my neighbours.  If they think for a second that I'm going to pay for anything that resembles an increase, no matter how they shuffle it, swap it, payment plan it - they will have truly lost the plot.

I don't expect them to completely screw it up, but we're anticipating that they're going to ruin a great thing we've got. And not just us, but every community in the south end. That is depressing. But who knows, perhaps the south end's new denizens will create a stronger community.  We discover that the elements that quit have been holding everything back, and those who can afford seasons tickets will bring their blind passion to the games and solidify supporters groups, singing the same five songs for the next fifty years.

Vancouver and Montreal have made pre-emptive gestures to keep the younger communities that their franchise has enticed to return.  Year two and year one respectively.

And Toronto is at year six.

Just sayin'

Player Ratings : Kocic 6, J. Hall 5.5, Eckersley 6, O'Dea 6, Emory 6 [Avila N/A], Lambe 5.5, Maund 5.5, Silva 6, Wiedeman 6 [Morgan 5.5], Amarikwa 6 [Stinson N/A], Hassli 6

@ignirtoq is making up for some lackadaisical match reporting. Sure he couldve done one for the Canada v Panama match but he would've felt bad describing how there's nothing happening in the final third and McKenna should not be yelling at Hirschfeld for, what was, a piss poor back pass - things you already knew. Besides, who doesn't like a random YouTube reference?

THE MATCHUP: Not internationally known

'Executive Hawk Class' - Almaty to Toronto in 37 Hours

TORONTO VS. CHICAGO
　
BMO FIELD - WEDENSDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN
　
While the good majority of Toronto-area football fans are still mostly interested in the qualifying quest of the Canadian National Team, those other boys in red - your Toronto Eff Cees - are back at BMO Field. The quality Chicago Fire are here to test the threadbare Reds who are hosting the re-scheduled fixture in the middle of an international break due to being money-hungry Liverpool-fodder victims of an unavoidable yet useful and rewarding mid-season friendly.
　
Due to internationals, TFC will be without the help of Canadians Terry Dunfield and Ashtone Morgan while Jamaicans Ryan Johnson and Dicoy Williams (he's still here?) are also absent. One man who could still rightfully be with his national side but is back with TFC deserves a mention. Darren O’Dea asked the Irish team to release him from a friendly vs. Oman and travelled all the way back from a World Cup Qualifier in Kazakhstan to be with his new side. O'Dea is showing some very good leadership and team-building qualities while proving worthy of his new-found captaincy. While not a DP, the young Irishman may be about the brightest thing TFC has to show for at the end of 2012. Very nice!
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The International Breaker"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Eric Hassli, Darren O'Dea, Luis Silva
CHICAGO: Alvaro Fernandez, Sherjill MacDonald, Dominic Oduro
　
THE ODDS:
- Match re-scheduled to accommodate big money friendly with Liverpool Alumni team: 10-1
- Milos Kocic asked if his newborn triplets would think about filling in on TFC's back-line: 5-1
- TFC managing to suck away any left-over euphoria from BMO Field's hosting of Canada v Panama last Friday within 5 minutes: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
As mentioned above, TFC's Darren O'Dea made the selfless decision to return all the way from Kazakhstan to Toronto rather than returning to Ireland. However, it was not an easy journey. As his Irish teammates chartered back to Dublin, O'Dea was driven by donkey-drawn 1987 Skoda hatchback from the Glorious People's Footkick Coliseum in Astana to the rural town of Topar. This was only agreed upon after paying his handler "Yerzhan The Philanderer" the princely sum of a quart of industrial-grade Fanta and a photograph of Robbie Keane's wife.
　
Upon reaching Topar, O'Dea had to join his driver in a prayer to "The Mighty Hawk" before being carried overnight by eight virgins to the shores of Lake Balqash which was later crossed on a traditional Kazakh dog-ferry. 79 hours later (as The Hawk flies) and O'Dea finally reached the Almaty International Aerodrome and Meat Market where he boarded his Kazakh Airlines flight to Toronto (via Bishkek, Tashkent, Odessa, Tunis, an unmarked Sub-Saharan airstrip and Newark) while enjoying two full-length in-flight films - "Erkebulan: Adventure of The Eye Stabber" and "Karate Kid III".
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "MID-SEASON FRIENDLY TOUTED AS 'TOTALLY WORTH IT'"
　
And... much like TFC, he's not obsessed with being internationally known, however, unlike TFC, he is known to rock the microphone...

AFTER 90: "The Chicago Way"

"Get that defence an Irishman!" 

THE BUZZ:

Are the days of automatic away losses done?

Is Eric Hassli ready to make his long-awaited debut?

Will Paul Mariner exchange shorts for Team GB Speedos?

Did TFC use up all their goals against CD Aguila?

Are we the Cameron Frye of MLS?

Has Luis Silva become a consistent professional?

If Chicago's stadium is a Toyota is BMO Field a Lada?

FIRST HALF:

16' - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson

CHICAGO 0 - TORONTO 1

40' - YELLOW CARD: Logan Emory

　

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: RJ's "smash-and-grab" opener

FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Some very Darren O'Dea welcoming defensive displays

HALFTIME: CHICAGO 0 - TORONTO 1

　

SECOND HALF:
45' - SUB: Jeremy Hall on for Reggie Lambe

60' - SUB: Andrew Wiedeman on for Eric Hassli

64' - GOAL: Chicago - Marco Pappa

CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 1

78' - SUB: Aaron Maund on for Doneil Henry

79' - RED CARD: Logan Emory (2nd Yellow)

84' - GOAL: Chicago - Austin Berry

CHICAGO 2 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: The final whistle.

SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: The shambolic defensive collapse that lead to Marco Pappa's goal and everything that followed

FULL TIME: CHICAGO 2 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 5.5 / Doneil Henry 5 (Aaron Maund N/A) / Richard Eckersley 5.5 / Logan Emory 4.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5 / Reggie Lambe 6 (Jeremy Hall 5) / Terry Dunfield 6.5 / Torsten Frings 6 / Luis Silva 6 / Ryan Johnson 6.5 / Eric Hassli 6.5 (Andrew Wiedeman 5)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Terry Dunfield

THE MOOD:

Not just beaten. Beaten up. Yes we could bemoan the "injustice" of yet another TFC road collapse but there really wasn't a collapse. Even when they held the lead, Toronto were never in charge of this match. Whether it was talent or will to win - The Reds couldn't man up to a Chicago who always looked quicker, more technical and tougher. While losing the match when down to nine men (through a combo of red card and injury) stings that bit extra, majority of TFC fans who have seen this re-run before would admit... "you could see it coming".

In true Windy City style, the Fire seemed to channel their inner Untouchable:

"You wanna know how to beat Toronto? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. TFC sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's the Chicago way! And that's how you get three points."



THE MATCHUP: No time for a Day Off

"Something -'Dea defending. Anyone? O'Dea defending"



CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
　
TOYOTA PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: GOL TV RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
While not exactly "on Fire", TFC have at least a 1-Alarm smoulder going on right now with 4 wins in their last 5 competitive matches. That being said, the club still borders on inconsistent and is more than capable of re-producing a stinker like their recent 2-0 loss to Houston. An away fixture at solid, playoff-contending rival Chicago gives Paul Mariner's men little room for error on the pitch.
　
With the big news in TFC-Land being the signing of Irish defender Darren O'Dea, the focus on Saturday night may well shift to another newcomer. After a protracted arrival, DP striker Eric Hassli should be ready to make his debut in red and his presence up front may indicate how TFC will fare for the rest of 2012. While TFC may not have grabbed "the bossman" in the back they originally wanted, Hassli must be the new "boss" up front if The Reds are to continue their stroll to respectability.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Sloane Peterson Challenge"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
CHICAGO: Alvaro Fernandez, Sherjill MacDonald, Dominic Oduro
TORONTO: Eric Hassli, Reggie Lambe, Luis Silva
　
THE ODDS:
- Torsten Frings singing "Danke Schoen" in local parade: 2-1
- Team bus having to be driven backwards to the airport after leaving it with unscrupulous parking attendant: 10-1
- Paul Mariner asking for another big central defender - getting a computer instead: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Bridgeview, Illinois is a Chicago suburb and commuter village and home to Chicago Fire's Toyota Park. Founded in 1986 off of the strength of major local employer "Abe Froman's Chicago Sausage" factory, the town gained notoriety due to its rather lax truancy laws and lack of educational discipline. The area's economy was briefly helped by the Smoot-Hawley Tariff, which opened the international backyard trampoline market, but eventually fell victim to "Voo-Doo Economics". Present-day Bridgeview is now known as "The Random Midday Ethnic Parade Capital of America".
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "OHHHHH! YEEEE-AH! (Mmm, bowp, bowp. Chick-Chick-ahhh!)"
　
And... Because it's Friday and this isn't a laughing matter...

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Chicago... Or There REALLY is Nowhere To Go But Up.

This is the LAST team to get a mock-up logo.  Its been bad luck, really.

Overcast Saturday afternoon.  Fresh, yet not cold.  Props to the scheduling gods for picking a kickoff closer to the train schedules.  Don't have to wait an hour before the match, won't have to wait 45 mins after it.

Chicago is 1-1-2 and Toronto has neither earned a point nor scored a goal at home.  The preview isn't my schtick... so onto the match!

Predictions were 3-1, 1-0, and a few 2-1s for the Robins, a 1-1 and a scoreless draw (that one's mine).

Quote of the Match

He must have been paid off by the Mexicans.

~ Julie on Julian de Guzman

0:25' - GOAL - No. Way.  Seriously?  Ugh... Oduro gets free, 1 on 1 with Kocic and he slides it under the sprawling keeper and in the back of the net.
Robins 0, Waterboys 1

11' - Oduro gets another 1 on 1 with Kocic.  Kocic lunges to make the stop.

14' - Lambe gets fed a nice ball and forces Chicago's Johnson to leap to make the save.

24' - YELLOW - Cann delivers an elbow to the neck.

28' - Dunfield leads a counter and slots a nice ball through to Lambe who puts one on net, forcing another stop from Johnson.

36' - GOAL - After some positive possession in the Chicago third, the ball finds its way to Lambe who does two step overs and launches a rocket from 25 yards out.  Brilliant!

Robins 1, Waterboys 1

39' - GOAL - OMG! Johnson crosses a great low ball for Stinson who's marker takes him out, and Lambe pounces on the wide open goal and buries it!

Robins 2, Waterboys 1

41' - GOAL - Dammit no!  We just got the f'ing lead!!!  Cross comes to Sagares, who loses his marker and heads it past Kocic from 5 yds out.

Robins 2, Waterboys 2

Half Time mood : Thrilling, frustrating, amusing and depressing all at once.

58' - GOAL - Nyarko breaks free of his marker (and the hearts of the faithful) and outraces Kocic to a loose ball near the edge of the box, walks around the fallen keeper and pots it.

Robins 2, Waterboys 3

59' - SUB - Dunfield makes way for deGoo.

68' - SUB - Stinson is out for for Silva.

70' - YELLOW - deGoo for a careless late challenge.

71' - Cross for Plata way too high.  If he only had a vertical leap like Spud Webb did.

75' - Awesome gaff by the pyro people who fired off the confetti cannons after a Toronto shot attempt rolls past the post.

77' - Johnson gets a great attempt off and hits the post, but no confetti for his troubles.

80' - YELLOW - Eckersley for a late "challenge" which shows that he never came close to touching Oduro.

85' - SUB - Avila makes way for Burgos Jr.

88' - Frings pushes his way into the way of a cross from Johnson and knocks into the keeper's hands.

5 minutes of extra time.

Full Time : Toronto 2, Chicago 3

Man of the Match : Aside from being the marker for the Sagares goal, Reggie Lambe was outstanding.

Goat of the Game : The worst player on the pitch was likely Stinson, but that's not to say he was "bad".  So nobody is the goat.

Ref Rating : Started out as a 2 out of 5, then was working his way back up, then plummeted back to a 2 out of 5.  When the game started getting chippy, if Chicago had a tough tackle, he'd let the next Toronto challenge go... but if it was Toronto to go in hard first, instant foul.  And he missed a few hand balls.  Failure.

Tweet of the Tie : "That's the best substitution of all time at BMO Field. Puppo for Pappa. Love it." courtesy of @SNGerryDobson

Ryan Johnson needs to learn the idea of a volley or a half-volley and that they are legitimate techniques to be used on the pitch.  Yes, they tend to be wild attempts, but you take advantage of the out of position defense by having a go with the advantage presented before you... Plata could attend those classes too as when he's trying to get that last bit of ground advantage, that last touch he takes gives the defenders the cue to close him down and the resulting pass/cross/shot is weak and panicked... Is the restaurant sensation of "boneless chicken wings" just a means of selling chicken fingers to an adult audience?  Stupid TV ads... If there was 19,000+ people at the game today, I make $95,000 per year as a graphic designer... We floated the idea of doing a podcast with the Yorkies regulars.  We just have to convince someone that being a host is a good idea (and it is).  Making the four of our regular readers happier is what it's all about... One of the questions floated was, "if you were the money man at TFC and you had to offer deGoo a fair contract based on his performance since he arrive, how much would that be?".  The response was "$100k, $200k at the most".  I had him $3-400k area... Originally, Frings was rated at 7.5, but that first goal was a howler.  Still thrilled to see him back.  Once they figure out where he'll play, it'll be even better.

Player Ratings
Kocic 6.5; Eckersley 7, Frings 6.5, Cann 6; Stinson 5.5 [Silva N/A], Dunfield 6 [deGoo 6], Avila 6 [Burgos N/A], Morgan 6.5; Lambe 8.5, Johnson 7, Plata 6.5

THE MATCHUP: Fire in "The Hole"

It seems like yesterday. Well the record does.



TORONTO VS CHICAGO
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 3:30PM ET
TV: TSN2 RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Every TFC supporter remembers it. Back in 2007 the little expansion team that couldn't score a goal, was bleeding goals against and showing few signs of improvement hosted Chicago Fire. That fixture will always be remembered as "The Dichio Game" where the journeyman striker scored the club's first goal and was rewarded with a cascade of seat cushions. Little did any of us know that there would be few memories since that top that day.
　
Fast forward six years and here we still are. A completely different Toronto FC but one with a shocking amount of similar problems. Last in the league, can't score to save their lives and cracks of discontent forming. Can The Reds' current journeyman hero, Torsten Frings, return to action and breathe life back into the club like Dichio did that day? A sense of unwanted (and much undeserved) deja vu awaits as TFC attempts to end a slide that shouldn't be happening 6 AD (After Dichio). At least the club aren't trying to assuage us with a summertime friendly like those early days.... oh... never mind.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Seat Cushion II: The Cushioning"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Adrian Cann, Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson
CHICAGO: Cory Gibbs, Jay Nolly, Dominic Oduro
　
THE ODDS:
- Dan Gargan returning to score a hat trick - single cushion tossed from upper deck in anger: 10-1
- Every time Chicago scores a goal, BMO Field's scoreboard flashes giant graphic for TFC v Liverpool: 20-1
- In their first game together, Adrian Cann and Torsten Frings collide in a rare dual-career-ending ACL-on-Hamstring Contusion: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Chicago once again has a kit sponsor on their shirts, this time in the form of cereal giant Quaker Oats. Far from being a one-time sponsorship, the instant oatmeal/ nuclear weapons monolith has attempted to do cross promotion in Illinois by renaming some of its most famous breakfast flavours after Fire players. Sadly, the flavours - "Marco Pappas & Cream"; "Raisin, Date & Gargan"; and "Maple & Corben Bone Sugar" have, for some reason, not resonated with consumers.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "FIRE LEAVE REDS WITH BURNING SENSATION"
　
And finally, since it's nearly the weekend and we could all do with a dance while enjoying the finest in early-90's computer graphics... "We bring you..."

AFTER 90: Unbeaten Streak's Day Off

I had the same look on my face watching TFC



IN THE TUNNEL:
Rarefied air for Toronto FC as they fly into suburban Chicago's Toyota Park tonight. Not only are The Reds trying to extend an unbeaten streak that goes back nearly a month now but they also face a team lower than themselves in the MLS table. Fire have been sputtering this season and look ripe for the picking but TFC is on the bad end of a Central American round trip and are carrying some big knocks with them. Will The Torontos manage to shake the away form monkey from their backs? Will Dan Gargan score a hat trick against his old club? Are games in Chicago suburbs the same as John Hughes' suburban Chicago movies?
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - A sunny night in suburban Chicago but no sign of any members of The Breakfast Club, Gary & Wyatt, or Long Duk Dong. Kick-off...
3' - Early pressure from Fire as Patrick Nyarko forces a save from Milos Kocic
7' - Young TFC bulldog Matt Stinson cracks a long range blast that forces a big save by Fire GK Sean Johnson
10' - No sign of Abe Froman - Sausage King of Chicago
16' - GOAL: Fire's Dominic Oduro gets on the end of a little TFC defensive pinball and slides the ball past a diving Kocic. Geeks, wastoids. dweebies.
CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 0
22' - "Defence?... Defence?... Defence?..."
32' - Ryan Johnson breaks free and takes shot on Sean Johnson. Johnson v Johnson. Sean comes out Head & Shoulders above. I'm here all week. Try the knackwurst.
37' - Julian "de Bomber" de Guzman goes close on yet another long-range attempt. Feeling confident on those lately
40' - "Dominic Oduro moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss him."
44' - Marco Pappa doesn't preach but almost makes Milos Kocic lose sleep with a curling volley from just outside the TFC area. Big save by the lanky Balkan
45' - Ref blows to end the half - tells Ed Rooney to make sure Sloane is waiting outside Toyota Park
　
HALFTIME: CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 0
　
45' - SUB: Is that Abe Froman?! Oh, no it's just Nathan Sturgis. In for the underwhelming Javier Martina.
47' - Fire could have been up by two if Sebastian Grazzini hadn't fluffed a huge opportunity in front of Kocic
50' - de Guzman strikes a good right-footed shot that cracks the Fire post and Joao Plata barely misses putting home the rebound. Very close to equalizing
55' - Ball shot into stands. Caught by dapper teen and his two friends. Holds ball up to show the crowd.
60' - SUB: The effective de Guzman replaced on the hour mark by Belgian supervillain Mikael Yourassowsky
67' - Kocic forced to rush out of goal and crash into a charging Oduro to make a very crucial save
68' - GOAL: You are effing kidding me. Dan Gargan. Goal. Words do not exist.
CHICAGO 2 - TORONTO 0
72' - Frings & Iro: "Where's your brain?" "Why'd you kick me?" "Where's your brain?" "Why'd you kick me?" "Where's your brain?" "I asked you first."
77' - Ryan Johnson grazes the post with a header. TFC's main offensive threat tonight
80' - SUB: Ashtone Morgan seeing out the game for Danleigh Borman
84' - "SAVE KOEVERMANS"
90'+ - Ref whistles to end the match as TFC's bus driver becomes distraught when finding out that the miles aren't coming off the bus' mileage gauge by running it in reverse
　
FULL TIME: CHICAGO 2 - TORONTO 0
　
IN THE BATHS:
"In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Aron Winter called this in 2011? Anyone? Something-t-a-l football. "Total" football."
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 7 / Richard Eckersley 6 / Torsten Frings 6 / Andy Iro 5.5 / Danleigh Borman 5.5 / Matt Stinson 6.5 / Julian de Guzman 6.5 (Mikael Yourassowsky 5) / Peri Marosevic 6 / Javier Martina 5 (Nathan Sturgis 5.5 ) / Ryan Johnson 6.5 / Joao Plata 5.5
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Milos Kocic
TALKING POINT: Too many "Days Off" this year. Discuss.