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Saturday, October 19, 2013

AFTER 90: "It's purely Stefual"



KICK OFF - Much like suburban Chicago teens Garry and Wyatt, we sit by our computer generally disillusioned with how things have turned out. Just replace teen angst and raging hormones with TFC angst and raging... well, rage. We tried hooking up our computer cables to a Diego Maradona action figure, an MLS matchday program from 2009 and a David Lee Roth video in an attempt to create a DP out of thin air but all that happened was Joe Bendik got suspended and we get one last shower with Stefan Frei. Does anyone know how to get a nuclear warhead out of a living room?

1' - "So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?"
5' - Robert Earnshaw skies a sitter over the bar. The scoring equivalent to taking a shower in your trousers.
7' - Stefan Frei, apparently some new Swiss goalkeeper, looking very sharp in both saves and distribution. Looks like he has a future. FREIENCE!
12' - Tim "Wyatt" Leiweke: But it's not so bad. We can hear the playoffs.
Tim "Garry" Bezbatchenko: [sarcastically] We can hear the playoffs, that's great. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the DP's!
25' - Mike Magee: Tell me something. What's a Swiss dude like you doing with malakas like these? Huh?
Stefan Frei: It's purely temporary.
Magee: No shit.
Steven Caldwell: He's into malakas, Mike!
Magee: He's into malakas"! Do you believe that?
28' - Earnshaw goal disallowed - much like any contract renewal should be.
33' - Frei with another solid bit of positioning. FREIENCE!
40' - Reggie Lambe needs to drop and give us 50 at Shermer High. Permanently.
44' - Ryan Nelsen: [on halftime preparations] You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic MLS orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of dozen bad footballers running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.


To the showers...

45' - TFC starts the 2nd Half trying to avoid having slushees poured on their heads from the upper level of Toyota Park
50' - Don Garber: You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for winning football, not for halftime stupidity and DP promises. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.
Tim "Wyatt" Leiweke: We forgot to build an actual team.
Don Garber: You forgot to build an actual team.
58' - Bright Dike the only one who may possibly gate-crash this mutant-filled house party
64' - PENALTY: Jonathan Osorio gets called for a dodgy handball in the box. Mike "Tits" Magee takes the spot-kick and scores - GOAL
65' - Ryan Nelsen: [to referee Edvin Jurisevic] Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls!
70' - Alvaro Rey growing on us like a Chet boil after almost beating Fire keeper Sean Johnson
73' - SUB: Robert Earnshaw OFF / Andrew Wiedeman ON
74' - Fran O'Leary: This is an Andrew Wiedeman!
Ryan Nelsen: I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey!
83' - SUB: Bright Dike OFF / Justin Braun ON
90' - Don Garber: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your supporters' only outlet is tossing off to FourFourTwo magazine in the bathroom?
Tim Leiweke: Oh supporters! Oh my God!
TFC supporters: Tim, we never tossed off to anything!
Tim Leiweke: You told me you were buying a butty!
TFC supporters: We were! We were!
90'+ - FREIENCE! 


PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5 / Alvaro Rey 6.5 / Jonathan Osorio 5.5 / Kyle Bekker 5 / Reggie Lambe 5 / Bright Dike 5.5 (Justin Braun N/A ) / Robert Earnshaw 5 (Andrew Wiedeman 4)  

Stefan Frei. Because it's the last time we get to do that.  

Well ironically it took a bit of "weird science" for Chicago to get the match's only goal in the form of a phantom hand ball off of Osorio. In general, a poor version of a football match with entertaining bits few and far between. You know, like the "Weird Science" TV series.

For those of you getting your jollies from Montreal hanging on to the last playoff spot by le fingertips, the result doesn't hurt your pettiness. We need something after all no? The match also did much to highlight that as teams like Montreal and Chicago struggle to go further into the season, TFC is still a million miles away from competing with quality teams in this league. Not two DP's away.

Finally, a likely goodbye to TFC stalwart and all-round top chap Stefan Frei. We may never get the pleasure of seeing him in a TFC kit again but he should be remembered fondly for being a good egg while being bombarded in goal like a dodgeball player since joining the club. You're a bigger man than me Stefan, after TFC's class-free handling of you this year, I would have picked up a "Dutch calf injury" on Thursday - but you love this club. Wish they'd done the same back to you this year. Danke.

Tim and Tim set their DP plan in motion...

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