THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. New England... or Look a Ferris Wheel!

Ya know, this was a terrible match.

Top to bottom.

The final score was Toronto 0, New England 3 (Nguyen, Rowe, and son of Canadian Legend Alex Bunbury that shall not be named - that last one really pissed me off), in which the lack of organization in the back field left Bendik hung out to dry all afternoon.  At least our favourite cuss word got 20 minutes to run out... Fagundez!

So you'll have to forgive us as what my wife and I did after the match is much more interesting...

On to the Ex!

13' - The crafts building had the usual stuff but that's to be expected.

19' - three people were sitting in their motorized scooters, comparing rides.  Too bad it was in the middle of an aisle.

23' - BUY - The wife buys fudge.  The Butterfinger one looks crazy!

GOOD IDEA 1, BAD IDEA 0

29' - They had these plaques for "Prayer for the"  (some profession) like teachers and engineers.  They had one prayer for Defenders which went something like this...

Dear Football Lord,
Please grant me the patience to leap for a cross at the right moment
Wait for the ball before committing
The talent to cover my partner
To be a leader when there is chaos
To move the ball confidently around the back
To never over hit a backpass to the keeper
And not to play my mark onside

Amen

I'm sure these will be snapped up and given as gag gifts all this week.

37' - I can carney bark better than this guy! If you want someone to get excited over your hammer and launch the from game, you should make it clear that you can win a ninja turtle in one shot.   Terrible finishing.

The second half of our journey took place in the Direct Energy Bldg, still more of the same...

48' - near miss with the grossly overpriced Lemonade stand.  When the hell has that ever been a good idea the second time around?  Stupid $5.

67' - the discount DVD section is always a hoot.  May live in regret walking away from Parker Lewis Can't Lose season 1 box set,  or the classic Roadhouse 2. Only time will tell.

71' - BUY - 2 dozen Tiny Tom's donuts, classic icing sugar.  Always a strong finish.
GOOD IDEA 2, BAD IDEA0

79' - BUY - The wife broke down and got one of those overpriced lemonades.  So tart.  Just weak decision making. I know who buys them now.
GOOD IDEA 2, BAD IDEA 1

87' - nearly seals the night with a cotton candy purchase, but just a few feet from goal and just didn't settle.

Man of the Match : running into a friend and catching up was kinda nice.  Seems to be doing well.

Goat of the Grounds : up yet arse lemonade extortionists

Kit Spotting : some lucky kid is wearing the new super classy PSV home kit, but serious props to the kids wearing their local shirts.  Grimsby Town (yes, the one past Hamilton, but before St. Catherines) and Toronto Croatia looking sharp

If you PVR'd the actual game : delete it, go watch the Lego Movie,  just gave you the gift of a satisfying 90 mins

For realzies, it's hard to think of a more lackluster performance all season.  Now let's purge this memory and await Philadelphia!

THE MATCHUP: "Do you wanna go Fire?!"

TORONTO FC VS. CHICAGO FIRE
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM
TV: SPORTSNET 360

FACTS* AND STATS**
TORONTO FC
- 98%: Chance that Tim Leiweke's resignation will be involve the word "Argonauts"
- 2%: Chance that Tim Leiweke's successor at MLSE will have any f*cks to give about TFC.
- TFC physios are on alert for higher than usual "corn dog-related" injuries for the duration of the CNE.
- 7: Number of emotional reunions this season if Jermain Defoe returns to The Reds' lineup this weekend.
- Vegas odds put a Robert Earnshaw Saturday hat-trick at 2:1
- 82%: Probability of this fixture descending into a skirmish, kerfuffle and/or handbags.
- "Yes": The only acceptable answer to "Do you wanna go faster?"

CHICAGO FIRE
-72% of Americans think of the TV Show first when they hear "Chicago Fire"
- 6 Months: Average gap between Robert Earnshaw goals in Major League Soccer.
- Fire forward Harry Shipp has won the coveted 2014 "Player Whose Name Most Suits a Pirate"
- Chicago currently 2nd in the Eastern Conference behind Montreal Impact as "The New TFC"
- Fire were third place in the recent Chicago Cup behind FC Earth and Wind City.
- "Draw": Frank Yallop's favourite result during a game of "Win, Lose or Draw"
- Chicago Fire defender Hunter Jumper is the closest thing MLS has to a green British sweater.


*Possibly
**Maybe

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC-related CNE Attractions

Also how TFC chooses managers



Hot dogs are being corned; Judas Priest mirrors are being shined; ice-cream and waffles are about to make sweet, sweet love; and, the Polar Express really wants to go faster! Yes it's time once again for the Canadian National Exhibition, Toronto's annual goodbye to summer/ carny-folk's annual hello to your sister. Of course the Exhibition Grounds are also the permanent home of local foot and ball squad/profit enthusiasts Toronto FC and as usual, the club has their own set of attractions to add to this year's festivities...

11. Ol' Gil's Wolf Steaks

10. The House of 2015 Season Ticket Increase Horrors

9. Julio Cesar practicing alone in a field

8. AIR SHOW EXCLUSIVE: Bitchy the Hawk vs. The Snowbirds

7. The Jeremy Hall of Mirrors

6. Timmy B's Allocation Casino

5. Bradley Orr head butts The Superdogs

4. "Word Up" - Warren Creavalle's one-man tribute to "Cameo"

3. Collin Samuel judges/eats the butter sculptures

2. Jermain Defoe guesses the age, weight and phone number of your girlfriend

1. Club Excobar

THE MATCHUP: Friday Night Blights

RUMOUR: Crazy Mouse to TFC

 

TORONTO VS. NEW ENGLAND

　

BMO FIELD - FRIDAY 7PM ET

TV: SPORTSNET ONE

THE KICKABOUT:

As if the eternally screaming tannoy, ear-cringing racket of promotional thunderstickery, live musical patio cacophony and doofuss-baiting shirt cannons aren't enough to Yankee-fy the TFC "match-day experience" - we have been gifted a Friday night fixture. Like a middle finger with "High School USA" written down the middle, we trudge through the CNE on a day never meant for (real) football. The "passion" couldn't be at lower ebb.

Having this fixture during the CNE also drives home another very raw point - summer is ending and TFC has not improved to any meaningful level nor do they look all that poised to tackle 2014. Even Kevin Payne seems to have tempered his optimism that the revolution (not Revolution) will be realized, as quoted in this article that "We want to be a playoff team next year, 2015 by the latest...". Wow, aiming high there chief. After a poor draft, a transfer window high on talk/low on quality and the reality that winter only makes available the likes of the Robert Earnshaws of the world, the Food Building isn't the only thing causing nausea on the Exhibition Grounds.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Exhibitionist"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Ashtone Morgan, Alvaro Rey

NEW ENGLAND: Diego Fagundez, Andrew Farrell, Jose Goncalves

THE ODDS:

- Maxi Urruti getting a full 90 Minutes: 10-1

- Maxi Urruti getting a 45 Minute run-out: 5-1

- Maxi Urruti standing in line at the Polar Express during match: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?

Every year, TFC supporters have to trek through the madness that is the Canadian National Exhibition for at least one corndog-scented fixture. This year, the CNE has been dogged by food violations and worse - bouts of gastroenteritis in patrons. TFC would like to remind fans that none of their concessions have fallen prey to the CNE-bug however and the following food stands have been added to handle the Food Building's overflow:

- "JIMMY B'S 'HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE SIR'?"

- "5 YEAR SLOW PULLED PORK"

- "MARK BLOOM'S ONION"

- "COLLIN SAMUEL EATS YOUR PIE"

- "CHEF KEV'S 'GET USED TO EAT'"

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC FANS AVOID FOOD BUILDING - STILL END UP VOMITING"

And... since we have no choice....
 

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC-related CNE Attractions

"Hawk! 11 O'clock! ABORT! ABORT!"

 

For those of you who have been reading this site for the last few years... A) Thank you. B) Seek immediate medical assistance. C) You have been expecting this Starting 11.

It is once again that time of year when ice cream and waffles join in an unholy alliance; men's leather belts are half-price; Def Leppard mirrors have been shined to perfection; and, some of North America's horniest carny-folk are hitting on your sister. Yes it's the Canadian National Exhibition - Toronto's venerable lakeshore salmonella symposium! As usual, we couldn't let the fair pass without letting visitors know that one of the Exhibition Ground's permanent tenants - Major League Soccer anti-playoff activists Toronto FC - have their own set of exciting attractions...

11. The Better Living Next Year Building

10. Reds' midfielder Michael Thomas wanders through the crowd with complete anonymity

9. Watch Danny Koevermans complete his re-hab in the Food Building! (5 Times Daily)

8. TFC Transfer Window ride "The Bi-Polar Express"

7. "The Get Used To It'... 2-hour line-up to nowhere in particular

6. "The Jeremy Hall of Mirrors"

5. "Motherz Talk" Tim Leiweke & Kevin Payne perform the hits of Tears For Fears

4. AIR SHOW EXCLUSIVE! Bitchy the Hawk vs. The Snowbirds

3. The "Guess Your Age, Weight or Allocation Game"

2. Collin Samuel personally "disposes" of your tainted Cronut Burger

1. "The President's Choice Superdogs" vs. AS Roma

 

Now this is a "vocal minority" we can get behind!
 

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC-related CNE attractions

Cummins, Carver, Preki, Winter and Dasovic - Live at The Bandshell



Every year around this time, a long-honoured tradition takes place at Toronto's Exhibition Place. No it's not when Toronto FC is mathematically eliminated form the playoffs (you correct cynics!) but rather the Canadian National Exhibition. The 134-year old civic institution brings citizens from across Southern Ontario to bask in a two week bacon-covered, carny-hassled, Def Leppard souvenir mirrored festival of delights (and bargain-priced leather belts) which marks the end of summer. Of course, the Exhibition Grounds are also host to local go-getters Toronto FC which leads us to wonder how the carnival would look if The Reds & Co. ran the whole show...
　
11. MLSE's House of (Smoke and) Mirrors
　
10. Adrian Cann's Guess your Age, Weight and Number of Abs
　
9. Nightly fireworks/ 2013 season ticket renewal form giant bonfire
　
8. Whack-A-Mo
　
7. The Bulova Playoff Watch Tower (DEMOLISHED)
　
6. Ex-TFC managers sing the hits of The Village People
　
5. The Overpriced Food Building
　
4. The Annual Butty Carving Competition
　
3. Eric Hassli Kiddie Neck Tattoos
　
2. Ice Cream Waffles/ Front Office waffling
　
1. The Better Living Next Year Building

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC related CNE attractions

It's that wacky time of year again around BMO Field. Thousands come and go, there's screaming, laughing and crying, all while countless clowns and freakshows entertain for peanuts. No, it's not the MLS Transfer Window - it's the Canadian National Exhibition. Toronto's annual fair to celebrate and showcase the best in fried dough technology, the finest in men's leather belts, Sha Na Na cover bands and amusements "assembled" by some of North America's finest carnies. With Toronto FC being a permanent resident on the Exhibition Grounds, and with the club celebrating its fifth season, it was only appropriate that The Reds would be represented during the CNE's fortnight of frivolity. Grab your tickets and join TFC as they celebrate "5 Years of Rebuilding" with these Ex amusements...

11. Maxim Usanov returns to Toronto to tour the Horse Building - and to punch random horses

10. Preki seated outside BMO Field trying to break Guinness World Record for "Longest Consecutive Snarl"

 9. Aron Winter and Bob de Klerk sing the hits of Hall & Oates

 8. "Adrian Cann's Hall of Really, Really, Really Good-Looking People"

 7. Torsten Frings intimidates The Superdogs

 6. Dwayne De Rosario's "Guess Your Wage" booth

 5. Chad Barrett: "The Human Cannonball Who Shoots To The Left"

 4. "The Arctic Express (You've Been Traded To Canada)" Ride

 3. Collin Samuel eats your Krispy Kreme Hamburger

 2. "Tiny Joao Donuts"

 1. "Whack-A-Mo"

THE MATCHUP: Deep in the heart of "Ex"as

Exhibition match



TORONTO (1st) VS. DALLAS (2nd)
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE - GROUP C
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: GOLTV
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Was TFC's recent upswing a carny trick or is their form closer to the performance put on in Chicago last Sunday?
- Will The Reds' "Whack-A-Mole" defence manage to avenge the 1-0 loss when Dallas last played at BMO Field?
- Can a CNE walk-up crowd help the often anaemic attendance for Champions League matches?
- Does Milos Kocic's recent fine form see him continue in goal?
- How long can broadcasters hold off before using the phrase "carnival atmosphere"?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The 'Ex'as Ranger"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Torsten Frings, Milos Kocic, Ryan Johnson
DALLAS: David Ferreira, Kevin Hartman, Brek Shea
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC forcing FC Dallas to use a CNE 'Hall of Mirrors as their dressing room: 20-1
- With the added CNE traffic, Toronto's notoriously late fans arriving at the match sometime around the 70th minute: 30-1
- Former Reds Ali Gerba and Collin Samuel holding an unofficial "autograph signing" in the Food Building: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- TFC apparently tried to have CONCACAF reschedule the match as they felt FC Callas would have an unfair advantage being surrounded by so much deep fried food
- Joao Plata has finally cashed in on his burgeoning fame as the new face for CNE favourite "Tiny Tom Donuts"
- BMO Field's regular announcer will be replaced by the MC from the "Arctic Express" midway ride who will constantly yell "Do ya wanna go faster?!" at Ty Harden
　
THE WAGER: 1-1 Draw (2011: 19-16 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "REDS' ROLLER COASTER SEASON CONTINUES"

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC-related CNE attractions

Last one to fall off is TFC's new striker

As the last few hours of August slip away, the signs of summer's end are upon us. Oooh, I've gone all Robert Frost. Alas, (so highbrow!) the first leaves are beginning to fall, the sun is setting that wee bit earlier... and of course Toronto FC is slipping out of the playoff picture. It's the circle of life! Of course in Toronto, summer's end is marked by the last days the Canadian National Exhibition. It is the annual fair where foods that should never meet are married in unholy unions, where filthy carnies try to hook-up with your little sister, where every ride could be your last and where mullets roam wild across the landscape - free from urban ridicule. This year's "Ex" packed in all of that "fun" but also included some very special attractions courtesy of Exhibition Place tenants Toronto FC...
　
11. Bungee Jump off of Jon Conway
　
10. The Ali Gerba vs. Collin Samuel X-Treme Corn Dog Thrown Down
　
9. O'Brian White races a three-legged mule
　
8. Chip Butty Ice Cream Sandwiches
　
7. Gerry Dobson & Craig Forrest sing the hits of Pet Shop Boys
　
6. Tom Anselmi's House of Mirrors
　
5. Jacob Peterson: "The Invisible Man"
　
4. The Chaditron
　
3. Nick La Brocca's Legal & Financial Info Kiosk
　
2. Maxim Usanov punches The Superdogs
　
1. Whack-A-Mo

The Chaditron: May cause cramping