THE MATCHUP: 99 Problems and 9 Points are 9

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA - SATURDAY 7PM ET

TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Must-Win Part VII: Cronin's Revenge"

FACTS* AND STATS**

NEW YORK RED BULLS

- This will be the final fixture between New York and Toronto this season (barring playoffs - snort) thus robbing local Toronto fans a reason to wear Thierry Henry kits to TFC matches like that's ok

- Security has been heightened as usual for a night fixture in Harrison, New Jersey as autumn is the natural feeding time for the local C.H.U.D. population

- "Bradley Wright-Phillips is twice as valuable as Jermain Defoe" is a sentence no English columnist ever thought they would have to ponder

- Corporate sponsor Red Bull has made noises about pulling their ownership of the New York club with the names Sexinthe City FC, I'm Walkin' Heerenveen and New York Cosmos Kramer leading in a re-branding competition

- To celebrate Columbus Day weekend, New York Red Bulls plan to "discover" that Toronto FC aren't really very good

TORONTO FC

- To prove that they are a much better club than the one that lost that infamous 5-0 match at Giants Stadium, TFC have vowed not to lose by more than four goals on Saturday

- Next year, Toronto FC will have two separate trips to New York City with the incoming NYCFC added to the schedule. TFC is seriously looking at signing Jesse Barfield to help address the challenges of playing at Yankee Stadium

- The terms "must win" and "momentum" have officially been replaced at TFC by the terms "mathematically possible" and "still in it"

- Despite rumours, Sam Cronin was not offered to TFC on-loan for one match in order to explain the team’s woes post-match

- To celebrate Thanksgiving Day weekend, Toronto FC plan to thank heavens that this season is nearly over

*Maybe

**Possibly

AFTER 90: Not Necessarily the World Cup

New York takes this seriously!

 

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA

FIRST HALF:
1' - Well Thierry Henry was at some World Cups. Same goes for Jermain Defoe. Other than that, the return of MLS isn't probably going to look too much like the football we've become accustomed to. It's New Jersey so chances are someone in the crowd got a Brazilian today. So there's that.
7' - The Reds come out aggressive and push for an opening goal. Not allowing The Reds to watch any Greece matches is paying off.
12' - YELLOW CARD: Justin Morrow sacrifices his body to stop a New York counter attack. You watching this Glen Johnson?
18' - The longer this goes without a TFC goal the higher the chance it turns into Iran vs. Argentina.
25' - Who knew? Breaks in play really are made better with random crowd shots of Colombian women in tight kits. You win this one World Cup.
36' - GOAL: New York - It was coming. All possession and no finish for TFC while NYRB take advantage of a brief lapse in defence and get it onto the head of Puguy Luyindula.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0
45' - The Reds start well but go a bit flat after conceding the goal. On the bright side - no one got bitten.

HALFTIME: NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
47' - TFC sure could use a quick goal to get back into this match. Like that awesome goal that guy scored for Australia. You know that Tim Cahi... awww nuts.
52' - Dominic Oduro with a clear chance at goal but scuffs it. Disappointing. Also disappointing: he didn't choose a Canadian food to replace his pizza haircut.
55' - GOAL: Toronto - Damn! Jermain Defoe scores a stunning redirection off an Oduro low cross. Beautiful all round team effort.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 1
57' - Doneil Henry has his nightly brainfart - luckily his namesake Thierry can't bang home the close free kick that resulted.
64' - SUB: Dominic Oduro OFF / Gilberto ON
65' - A World Cup Brazilian flair with Gilberto on. Except for that goalscoring they are so fond of.
73' - GOAL: Toronto - With a free kick deep in New York territory, Defoe and Gilberto actually start arguing about who will take it. An angry Defoe walks off and all the pressure is on Gilberto... who FINALLY opens his TFC account with a screamer. Great goal and inches away from the TFC dressing room going into crisis mode. Dramatic stuff and impressive confidence. Crow eaten for earlier gag.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 2
'79 - SUB: Jackson OFF / Bradley Orr ON
85' - Jermain Defoe looked very sharp tonight. If only there were a national team he could play for that desperately needed a spark off the bench. Ah well. Toronto's gain.
90' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
90'+ - GOAL: New York - Bradley Wright-Phillips puts home what every TFC supporter was desperately afraid to see - another late goal. NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 2
A shame really as TFC played some decent football, enjoyed some dramatic moments. In sober light, a point away at New York will seem like an achievement but it can't help but feel like a loss at the moment. We feel your pain Ivory Coast. Ok - not that bad.

FULL TIME: NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5 / Justin Morrow 5.5 / Dominic Oduro 6.5 (Gilberto 6.5) (Dwayne De Rosario N/A) / Jonathan Osorio 5.5 / Collen Warner 6 / Jackson 5.5 (Bradley Orr N/A) / Luke Moore 5 / Jermain Defoe 7
　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe



THE MATCHUP: World C.H.U.D.

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO
RED BULL ARENA - FRIDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Major League Soccer is BACK! Just as the World Cup heats up. Be one of dozens to return!
- Did the break give Ryan Nelsen the bravery to try out a Moore-Defoe-Gilberto-led 4-3-3?
- Will Tim Cahill return from his wonder goal World Cup in time to strike fear into corner flags?
- Will the C.H.U.D.s of Harrison, New Jersey capture TFC away supporters caught roaming after dark?
- It's one of the few remaining chances to use the TFC excuse "it will be way better when Michael Bradley gets back!"
- Did Gilberto learn any goal scoring tricks from that KIA?
- Swearing at Thierry Henry is cathartic.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Underground World Cup"

THE DUEL:
Thierry Henry vs. Jermain Defoe

WHO ARE YA?
The C.H.U.D. - or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller - is a mutated sub-species native to the sewer systems of the New York/New Jersey region and feared for its nocturnal tendencies to capture unsuspecting pedestrians. While they were eradicated from New York City in the mid-80's, a population of them survived under the apocalyptic Harrison, NJ area on a steady diet of rats and jet fumes from Newark Airport.

However, the construction of Red Bull Arena changed everything. With their natural habitat disturbed, C.H.U.D.s adapted to the new stadium above them and grew stronger by digesting the seeping Red Bull Energy Beverage which courses through the arena pipes. Their natural prey is now any away MLS supporter crazy enough to be caught wandering Harrison after a night match. A trail of scarves is often all that remains.

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
JUNE 27, 2006: NY/NJ MetroStars front-office rising star Mo Johnston hears about a new MLS expansion franchise in Toronto, Canada. Madness ensues.
 

C.R.U.D.

VOCAL MINORITY PODCAST: #BigKnots

Do you find yourself saying "I wish I could put the World Cup AND Toronto FC in a blender, make a smoothie, then pour it right into my ear openings"? There’s a podcast for that!

In this week's episode (AVAILABLE THURSDAY), Mark trades in his Slovak citizenship for a Uruguayan one, Kristin embraces her Albino lineage (Albanian-Latino) while Duncan and Tony use their British citizenships to claim full control over their post-England national team of choice - the British Virgin Islands aka "The Nature Boys". All this plus, Bitchy Blanks, a New York v TFC preview and other "biting" commentary. Get it? Suarez? Topical!

Just click on the "Vocal Minority Podcast" icon on the right side of this site and set your ears to "yo crazy!!!" FAGUNDEZ!

While you're clicking you really must read our partners in pod Waking The Red. They write actual real, quality TFC stuff with stats and "facts". Nerds. They are linked in our Links section on the right. Lurking.



THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v New Jersey... or who the f**k is Henry

So I admittedly gave up during the V-Cup and went to bed.  Figuring that it was only a matter of time for the bottom to fall out and the kids would knock them out only to read that they pulled it off.  Fantastic.

Then Issey Nakajima-Farran was shipped to Montreal for some reason.  Ahhh,  there it is... just like the TFC of old. The element of head-scratching confusion. Straight out of the 2010 player management manual.  Get rid of a depth player because Toronto have such a wealth of forwards and wingers now.

Whatever. 

Gonna miss his drive. I believe Montreal will have won that deal.

Toronto is functionally struggling in the final third of the pitch as the last few goals have been flukey at best.  Maybe they can pot one that isn't a deflection or impeding the keeper.  We'll see.

On to the Match :

8' - Defoe from the left fires a goal forcing a clumsy save from Robles but cleared to safety.

12' - GOAL - Orr puts a perfect ball through the heart of NJEB defense and finds Defoe who buries it under the cross bar.   

ROBINS 1, EXTREME BEVERAGE 0

17' - Free kick from edge of the box from Bekker is low, skips through and finds a lunging Gilberto who connects but puts it past the post.  Everyone do a shot.

New Terrace Classic (you're welcome)

Bloom Bloom Bloom
Sweeping up like a broom
And he can clear it all night
And he can do it just right
Oh-oh-oh... [for reference]

43' - After the foul by Olave on Gilberto,  free kick was low and fast through the middle of the penalty area and just misses Caldwell.

45' - YELLOW - Morrow for stuff.

Half Time Mood : Entertained and alarmed at the same time.

56' - SUB - Moore comes on for Gilberto.  Too soon.

61' - Toronto under pressure and a cross from Henry finds Bendik's hand on the ball then eats a foot from Sam.  Wide open net was Weideman'd by someone.

67' - SUB - Lovitz in for Rey

68' - Bloom sent beautifully down the wing and low crosses, Moore at the doorstep and misses, the rebound hits the only defender in the way.  Heartbreaking.

88' - YELLOW - Defoe gets stepped on by Armando and no call, Defoe gets in an altercation with Armando and goes down like his face was broken, naturally.  Draws the booking anyways.

5 min of extra time

90+1' - Osorio sends Bekker with a weak ball but it gets to him and fires a shot just wide of goal from 18 yds out.  Harrowing

90+4 - GOAL - A calamity of defending has a collision between Robles and Olave where neither get the ball and Moore walks it in. Nanners.
ROBINS 2, EXTREME BEVERAGE 0

FULL TIME : TORONTO 2, NEW JERSEY 0

Man of the Match : Mark Bloom was a machine so he gets the nod.  Nick Hagglund was a very close second.

Goat of the Game : none.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Was ok first half then lost the plot as the game wore on.

Kit Spotting : The Arsenal kits were awesome. Kidding, I won for wearing my Sheffield Wednesday kit and it's sweet.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : felt taking Gilberto off was harsh and the turtle defending of the first 20 mins of the second half was a bit depressing.  Extreme Beverage wasn't that good.

Gilberto's Missed Shots : 1

Not to piss on the celebrations, but one of those goals was very flukey... What hustle from Bloom! So nice to see him step his game up even further. He was everywhere... I used to rate Olave but he's not the rock he once was when I first saw him v RSL many moons ago. Gaffe notwithstanding, he was a magnet for the ball... When Moore picked up the ball for that gaffe, I might have been crazy, but I swear he took a look around to see if a flag was up or something that would take this away from him. He obviously knew about  the lack of luck for TFC from officials... In a private suite was Dike and Cesar watching the game. The most feared private suite in MLS.  Weideman was in there too... it didn't rain, so that was good... anyone else expecting a bed-crapping coming on in the 60ish minute mark? Was sure they were gong to ruin a perfectly nice afternoon at the ground.

Player Ratings : Bendik 7, Bloom 8, Caldwell 6.5, Hagglund 7.5, Morrow 7, Rey 6 [Lovitz N/A], Bekker 7, Orr 7, Osorio 7.5, Defoe 7, Gilberto 6.5 [Moore 6.5]

THE MATCHUP: Give us wings

"The Champagne of Energy Drink Football Clubs"

TORONTO VS. NEW YORK
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET

TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Will the dramatic VCup victory over Vancouver be a springboard to regain good form in the league?

- Will the dramatic VCup victory over Vancouver leave TFC an exhausted shell of a team that needs a nap at the half?

- What does life without Michael Bradley look like?

- You can count how many local fans think it's "cool" to wear their Arsenal kits to a TFC match just because Thierry Henry is visiting.

- The "not your ordinary" return of Richard Eckersley.

- Will the England-snubbed Jermain Defoe be full of vengeful fire... or a moping misery guts?
- See how long I can hiss at Thierry Henry before passing out!

- Spurs legend vs. Arsenal legend... who is the bigger, bloodier deal?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The North American London Derby"

THE DUEL:
Jermain Defoe vs. Thierry Henry

WHO ARE YA?
The city of Toronto has long been dubbed as "Hollywood North" due to its prosperous film industry. It's not unusual for locals to see television and film crews using our city as a set for major productions, including many American ones. In fact, Toronto has been used as a stand-in for New York City on many occasions.

Not to be outdone, our suburban neighbours to the east - Oshawa - have agreed to set fire to a large part of their downtown in preparation for a film that is set in the home of New York Red Bulls - Harrison, New Jersey. The film, a hilarious rom-com matching a down on her luck Red Bull Arena hot dog vendor and a love-struck local C.H.U.D. is due in theatres in Summer 2015.
 

The set of "For the Love of C.H.U.D."



ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
MAY 17, 2012: A concerned Torsten Frings storms out of training until it becomes clear the phrase "New York Red Bulls" translates into a local Bavarian slang term for a sexually transmitted disease.

Putting the red in Red Bulls - Eckersley sent to New York for pick

Surely you're not that shocked Richard...

Ginga Ninja we'll miss you. Your salary... notsomuch.

TFC confirmed the inevitable today as they shipped one of the few long-serving (ish) Reds to New York Red Bulls in exchange for a 2017 4th Round Pick. Is there a rule in MLS that you have to get something back? Seriously, that is the proverbial bag of balls.

Dealing Eckersley - also TFC's reddest-serving Red - was of course not about getting anything in return but rather setting his hyper-inflated salary adrift. Through no fault of his own, Eckersley was signed to a naive permanent contract after becoming a fan-favourite during his original loan-spell. In MLS math, he was never worth what he was making and his deal has been hampering salary cap movement ever since.

That being said, Eckersley didn't make loud noises about moving from Toronto until the very end, and that was after an odd late-season freezing out under the guise of "injury". We can't help but feel a sensible new contract could have been negotiated but there was something more to it. Did he fall out of favour with Nelsen? Is he one last piece to be exorcised from "the old era"? Until we get to read Jim Brennan's shocking future tell-all book "Beyond the Soul Patch", we may never know.

Eckersley will be looked upon favourably by many TFC supporters but despite his protestations to the opposite, he was "just an ordinary" fullback on a more than ordinary contract. It seems as if Ryan Nelsen and Co. have turned the page on "old TFC" and have decided Ecks was a footnote best left in a bad chapter.



The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 24

 

"NEW YORK 5 - TORONTO 0"

　

Like a Christmas miracle, TFC had somehow ended up mathematically in the MLS playoff hunt under the stewardship of young interim manager Chris Cummins. All they needed was a good result on the last day of the season, away at previously lowly New York Red Bulls. To use the term "shit the bed" wouldn't be pleasant during this special time of year. But they did. And then some. Big shits. Yule logs. To the tune of 5-0 and a nuclear dressing room post-match. Four years later and Santa still hasn't given us our playoff gift. Ass.

　

So there you have it Sadvent followers. We hope you enjoyed opening your windows for the last 24 crazy/sad days and nom nommed all of the delicious chocolates ejected out of your computer machine's disk drive. (No chocos? Don't blame us - blame Steve Jobs/Bill Gates)

To those of you that observe the holiday and to those of you that just really like stuffing...

A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

 

- The Yorkies



"Reds roll their truckin' Convey, back cross the USA. CONVEY!"

"Get the truck outta here"

We barely had time to perfect our truck horn noise.

In what may be the precursor to a series of oncoming transactions, The Reds have shipped the rights to Bobby Convey along with a 2014 2nd Round SuperDraft pick to New York Red Bulls in exchange for the Metrostars' 2014 1st Round pick (15th overall) and a 2016 3rd Rounder which we will never remember.

While some, including the player himself, thought that a return to TFC in 2014 wasn't out of the question, it would seem as if Tim Bezbatchenko sees a different make-up for his future midfield. Hopefully the "replacements on the way" aren't of the Kevin Payne/Luis Silva variety but it does seem like a decent bit of business on T-Bez's part.

Even if Convey had been willing to come down from his $215K salary perch, his value for money would have been questionable on a team in (another) transition. Convey's style of play, while a valuable Band-Aid in 2013 may also have been a question to TFC management as they look to re-load with "their players".

Previously without a 1st Round pick in the 2014 draft - they would have had the glorious 3rd Overall if not for Paul Mariner's brilliant trade for Eric Hassli - the deal gives the club skin in the game in a draft class that Bezbatchenko is extremely familiar with. Can our favourite wonk find a diamond in the 15th overall rough? Not impossible but in the very least he has given himself more room to buy "his players".

Keep truckin' Tims.

 

AFTER 90: Pitch invasions

"Concrete jungle where no dreams are made no..."

 

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF - Listen, we know we bang on a load lately about the whole Argos to BMO kerfuffle but until we hear different we'll be a bit like a dog with a bone. It is clouding a lot of our (ok, tiny scraps) of optimism for the future of the club. Often, we and fellow worriers have been told to "relax" about the possibility of a CFL stadium share and that it's "no big deal". Usually by Leafs fans. We couldn't resist tonight's fixture, not far from where Giants Stadium stood - the ultimate example of gridiron stomping on football - to illustrate just how difficult we find it to watch the world's sport on the field of parts of North America's sport. But in text form!

ARGONAUTS 

 

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 10 _____________________ 10 ____________

 10' - Thierry Henry being a nuisance as usual.

____________      ____________________      ______________

 18' - Mark Bloom in his TFC debut not playing too badly.

 

__________ 20 _____________________ 20 ____________

27' - Andrew Wiedeman goes just wide of the New York goal. Close

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 30 _____________________ 30 ____________

 32' - GOAL: New York - Thierry Henry loses Bloom and taps in a hard cross.

NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 40 _____________________ 40 ____________

43' - Kosuke Kimura very close to doubling New York's lead. 

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 50 _____________________ 50 ____________

HALFTIME: NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0

 

THE

　__________   C  ___ TORONTO  ___  C ____________

SUN

SECOND HALF:

__________ 50 _____________________ 50 ____________

47' - Bloom tries to find Wiedeman as TFC come out fast 

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

__________ 40 _____________________ 40 ____________

53' - SUB: Jonas Elmer on for Justin Braun 

____________      ____________________      ______________

58' - YELLOW CARD: Steven Caldwell for hauling down Dax McCarty 

__________ 30 _____________________ 30 ____________

 

____________      ____________________      ______________

65' - Joe Bendik forced to make a big save on a charging Bradley Wright-Phillips. 

__________ 20 _____________________ 20 ____________

 75' - SUB: Bright Dike on for Andrew Wiedeman

____________      ____________________      ______________

78' - Bit of a scrap on the pitch as Jonathan Osorio plays a bit rough with Kimura. 

__________ 10 _____________________ 10 ____________

 80' - GOAL: New York - Fabian Espindola with a looping header over some bumbling TFC defenders.

NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 0

85' - Bright Dike tries to open his TFC account but saved well.

89' - SUB: Kyle Bekker on for Alvaro Rey

____________      ____________________      ______________

 

 

ROUGH RIDERS/ ROUGHRIDERS

 

FULL TIME: NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 0

 

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell  6.5/  Gale Agbossoumonde 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5/ Alvaro Rey 6.5 (Kyle Bekker N/A) / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Jonathan Osorio 6 / Bobby Convey 5 / Andrew Wiedeman 6 (Bright Dike 6)  / Justin Braun 4.5 (Jonas Elmer 5)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Alvaro Rey

THE BATH:
Well there you have it, not the worst of TFC performances. Not great, but we've seen worse. But, I bet reading it with all those gridiron lines sure was annoying and took away from our usual sparkling journalism didn't it?

When MLSE announces the BMO Field expansion plans and shows you lovely architectural diagrams alongside information of the new cutting-edge artificial surface, remember this. And know that when the CFL season starts in early summer and TFC and the Argos play 7 days apart or less that it won't be far off reading this. There is not a stadium in the world that has figured out to completely scrub off lines from dual sports. MLSE sure ain't full of science geniuses.

So yes, TFC looked a bit better tonight and may indeed improve in the future. However, if watching a match at BMO Field will be akin to reading the above... why bother?



THE MATCHUP: Busting ghosts

"Hey, Slimer! Hoo-Ha! I wanna know how you scored that goal!"

 

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN 2 (Droppin' a Deuce on the Weekend)

THE KICKABOUT:

What better place to reflect on the ghosts of past that still haunt Toronto FC than New York City? It was Manhattan after all, in the hot summer of 1984, which suffered one of North America's worst ever mass hauntings. Zuul, a minion of Sumerian shape-shifting demi-god Gozer the Gozerian lead a supernatural attack on the Big Apple that will traumatize us for years to come. #NeverForget

New York is also the site of one of TFC's most supernatural nights when The Reds, under the command of Mozer the Mozerian, ectoplasm'd their pants in a 5-0 loss that ended a season in a truly frightening manner. It was on that night, as the team's corporate captain decided to go all "Slimer" in the dressing room, which MLSE should have gone all exorcist on Mo and his minions but allowed things to rot instead.

Years later, TFC is still trying to escape from past rot but just can't seem to stop scaring us. The specter of a possessed management and the dark shadow of the Argos at BMO only illuminate the skies with particle beams of future frights. Tim Leiweke has to come out now and bust Pinball the Clemzerian's dreams of haunting our house so we don't look back at late 2013 like we look back at late 2009. After all Tim - "Bustin' makes you feel good". Fact.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Gozer the Gozerian Testimonial Match"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

NEW YORK: Thierry Henry, Jamison Olave, Jonny Steele

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Jonathan Osorio, Alvaro Rey

THE ODDS:

TFC's big off-season signing most likely a:

- Keymaster: 100-1

- Gatekeeper: 50-1

- Stay Puft Marshmallow Man: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?

THE TFC ALL-TIME GHOST XI

STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN

VINZ CLORTHO -  KEYMASTER  - GATEKEEPER -  SLIMER (C)

VIGO THE CARPATHIAN -  ZUUL - GABE GHOULA -  ERNIE HUDSON

MISTA -  GOZER

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "I AIN'T 'FRAID OF ARGOS!" (Not true)

And... Since this site is nothing if not a hotbed for cutting-edge music and graphics... Press play, bustin' makes you feel good...



UPDATE: What do you buy the team who can't score a goal? Another goalkeeper! TFC made a trade - Stefan Frei is still rotting on the bench. Enjoy.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto S.S.R. vs New York... or The Will Of The People Will Not Break (but continue to bend unnaturally)

Today is glorious day for people's Republic of Torontonia. We will see the destruction of our foreign bourgeois oppressors, American Bulls. The evil capitalists will surely fall under the mighty fist of the Red Army. The struggle of the Torontonian peoples will see reward for their sacrifice.

Comrade Henry returns from banishment after elite system punished him with disrespectful "red" card for sacrificing himself for the good of the people. Cosmonaut Agbossoumonde is resting but is willing to fight, even if oppressors admonish him with "red" card of his own eventually.

Please rise for anthem of glorious Republic of Torontonia. 

On with the vanquishing of our foes:

3' - Comrade Josef Bendik makes a save worthy of the people's adulation as he prevents American Bull & French traitor Henri from scoring.  Josef Bendik is given Hero of Socialist Labour award.

12' - Bolshevik spies prevent a well constructed goal from the heart of the working class.  Convey slots a ball through to Morgan, who crosses and finds patriot Brockie, but corrupt bourgeois officiating denies the will of the people due to offside.

15' - Fearing that their cover may be revealed, the 'white' officiating correctly calls the illegal goal which Cahill propagated by standing in an offside position to head past Josef Bendik.

Half-Time Mood : Content that the communist system is for the good of its people and progress is made through hard work for the good of all.  Long live the People's Republic of Torontonia!

52' - Braun, for a brief moment of clarity, plays the ball to Laba who loses the foreign capitalists but not attempting to shoot, lays it off to Osorio who should have shot it first time, like an execution of a traitor, but loses his focus and the attempt was for naught.

73' - True red Eckersley breaks free from the shackles of imperialism and fires for the glory of the people, but is deflected by Holgersson, forcing New York keeper Robles to out-strech his greedy hand to prevent the inevitable victory of the proletariat.

88' - SUB - Lambe joins the war against the facists at the expense of Braun.

3 minutes of necessary time as orchestrated by the 'white' officials

Conclusion of the Struggle : Toronto 0, New York 0

Labourer of the Match : Most glorious award goes to Comrade Matvei Laba for tireless work against the class struggle.

Shame of the People : Justin Braun showed most difficulty in working as hard as the collective.  Sent to gulag for re-education (translation: Loaned to USL-Pro Harrisburg City)

Judgement of the Bolshevik Officiating : 4 out of 5.  Though clearly influenced by their capitalist greed and desire for power, they let the match play on and did not impose their will on the people.  The score may be generous, but this score is reflective of other facist officials in the league, rather than the qualified officials that we can only dream of.

Uniform Recognition : Our surefire winner was a Tranmere Rovers kit over in section 119, however leaving the ground, Greenock Morton kit was spotted.  Tough break for Tranmere, as we were sure that was it.

If I May Be So Bold To Impose My Suggestions On To Our Generalissimus : Braun is disgrace to whole proud nation.  His lack of inner strength and discipline might have seen him off sooner in the struggle against our foreign invaders.  Understanding that we are limited with the resources at hand, Wiedeman could not have fared much worse.

Player Rating Bendik 6.5, Eckersley 6, Caldwell 6, Henry 6, Morgan 6.5, Osorio 6.5, Hall 6, Laba 7, Convey6.5, Brockie 6, Braun 5.5 [Lambe Nyet]. 

Thanks to @RedWineRoz for the photo.

Comrade @ignirtoq just read A LOT about communism on Wikipedia, and though he's pro-union, he's not about to give up his life to work the fertile soils for the good of the republic. This gag was a culmination of our retro-kit soviet style from earlier this year and the Leiwike interview where he mentions about how the Red Army has shrunk.

THE MATCHUP: It's just beastly boys

Now that's three in the middle!

TORONTO VS. NEW YORK

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN

THE KICKABOUT:
Toronto FC currently lacks the skills to pay any bills. However, rather than drone on about having to watch the same line-up that couldn't be arsed against Chivas USA (Good effort boys! Like LOLZ! OMG! Budweiser!) we will use our favourite musical trio from our opponent's Boroughs as today's muse.

Feeling guilty that you don't really want to go to BMO Field and sweat it out at K-Paynz Allocation Party? Don't... rhyme along with this tune (Press play here if you like parties) and feel better...

(YOU GOTTA) FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT (TO STAY HOME)

Kick it!

You got Reds tickets but you don't wanna go
You can't think of much worse than a day at "BMO!"
You only missed two matches because you had to work
But your seatmate preaches guilt like you're some kind of jerk

You gotta fight! For your right! To stay home!

Try to sell your tickets but give away for free
To a cheap fanboy of Thierry Henry
Man, seven years of this just really stinks
It's nothing but expensive TORONTO LYNX (Busted!)

You gotta fight! For your right! To stay home!

Won't want to leave the house to watch this situation
Just sign some damn players and shut up with allocation!
But you'll end up at BMO saying, "Where's the cheers?"
But don't worry Reds fans - just five more years!

You gotta fight! For your right! To stay home!

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Rump Shaker"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC (snort): Joe Bendik, Matias Laba, Jonathan Osorio
NEW YORK: Tim Cahill, Fabian Espindola, Thierry Henry

THE ODDS:
- Last 10 minutes of match looking like ”Sabotage": 2-1
- "Skills to pay the Bills" new term for allocation money: 5-1
- Bitchy the Hawk replaced with "Brass Monkey": 10-1

WHO ARE YA?
You may think it's a stretch to have a whole Beastie Boys themed episode of The Matchup, but it's really not* (*it really is but we're bored of this season). In fact if you look through the band's discography you will see that their album titles reflect TFC's history quite aptly:
- LICENSED TO CAUSE ILLNESS
- PAUL MARINER'S BOUTIQUE
- CHECK YOU'RE RED (TFC Captain Transfer Window EP)
- SHRILL COMMUNICATION (BMO Field Promotions Team Remix)
- HELLO NASTY (Pre-Season Limited Edition)
- TO THE 5 YEAR PLANS
- LATE LOSS COMMITTEE PART TWO

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "NO SLEEP 'TIL FORLAN"


And... Since it's Friday and we need all the help we can get to get our bodies movin' for tomorrow...




ADAM YAUCH 1964 - 2012

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. NYRB... or aren't we all really here to see Tim Cahill?

Little did I know how prophetic that title would be.

Man, what a long day.  First off, my fiancé and I sat through 80 minutes of the dullest theatre, then we took off for an eleven course meal in Markham where we sat in traffic for close to an hour and a half due to traffic.  It is currently 12:07am the next morning, and I sit here to write a match report outlining some of that very theatre.

There wasn't much to take optimistically from Wednesday's V-Cup of reserve-on-reserve action except that under little pressure to perform and succeed, Bostock can be creative and fun to watch.

To the four regular readers, please allow this report to be an opportunity to relive that horror of Saturday afternoon that was...

THE BORINGEST
80 MINUTES EVER...

*dun dun dunnnnnnn*

Starring XI:

Bendik

Richter - Agbossoumunde - O'Dea - Morgan

Lambe - Silva - Hall - Ephraim

Braun - Earnshaw

On to the match...

11' - SUB - Braun, a.k.a. the Narcissist, a.k.a. the Brass Bullet, a.k.a. Koevers Light, a.k.a. 4%, comes out due to injury and is replaced by Wiedeman.

28' - Should a game start out this slow?

32' - The Zambian Prince, Earnshaw, tries to catch Robles off his line and chips him but doesn't miss by much.

37' - Something witty here.

39' - GOAL - Ball tapped across the face of goal by Steele, dummied by Henry, and poked in by Tim Cahill
ROBINS 0, EXTREME BEVERAGE 1

45' - Espindola loses Agbossoumunde with a nifty move and has a go, but Bendik dives to get his palm on it slowing it down, then cleared to safety by Richter.

Half Time mood : Bored.  Seriously, my fiancé BBM'd me during the game to state that she should've brought her crocheting so she would have something interesting to do.  Hell, I should've let her so she could show me something

45' - SUB - Bostock on for Ephraim.  Believed to be an injury.

58' - Free kick from Bostock gets to Lambe, who then over thinks everything and skies the ball way over the bar.

62' - Silva has a half-powered attempt at goal.  At least someone is trying.

66' - Seriously, I love making random quotes about Super Troopers and 80's pop songs, but if this is the only way I take notes, there's a problem.

69' - Richter catapults a throw-in, the ball finds Earnshaw and he struggles to get enough power behind the shot, easily saved by Robles.

79 - SUB - Osorio comes on for Wiedeman.  OK, huh?

83' - GOAL - We're all awake!  Long free kick finds its way to Osorio after Robles misplays it from way off his line, Osorio, turns a defender around and just has a go - chipping it over out of position Robles, under the crossbar and behind the goal line.  Wow.
ROBINS 1, EXTREME BEVERAGE 1

85' - Still plenty of time for Toronto to crap the bed, right?  Right.

89' - GOAL - Henry crosses the ball and Cahill gets up in the air to head it past Bendik.  Agbossoumonde was marking him but caught not jumping and was made to look terrible for it.
FULL TIME: ROBINS 1, EXTREME BEVERAGE 2

Man of the Match : Ummm... Hall.  Sure.  I guess.  He wasn't crap.

Goat of the Game : Shit I don't know...

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5.  Let the game go, and I'm not sure he issued a single card.  Also, he may have been bored too and slowing it down meant the game went longer.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I... I don't know what to say here.  You're only limited to three substitutions and two were used on injuries.  The last one was a telling tale of how unimpressive that player was.  I mean, if you have to substitute a substitute... that's rough.  Does Nelsen try the hair dryer treatment at half?  Caffeine in the orange slices?  Physical and emotional abuse to kick-start the emotion in the match?  If I were the gaffer, I would have drunk alone after the match.


Kit Spotting : We saw a Dortmund kit with Lewindowski on the back (how convenient), and two Sunderland kits together.  Sunderland wins.

Quote of the Match :

Let's go fuckin' riot!

~ bearded hipster in sunglasses and a Jays cap. 

That's nearly 30% of the Toronto male 18-35 demographic

described in meticulous detail at the end of the match.

Holy crap where to begin?  OK, Richter, you've got a nice throw-in, but why is it, you can beat a defender then flop to the ground as if the ball tackled you?  Stand up!... Bostock, you have absolutely ZERO confidence when taking on players.  Nil.  Going head to head with Olave, yes, that is a good idea not to deal with him, but other wingers?  If there was a statistic I would love to know, what was the percentage of time where running with the ball was in the wrong direction?... Wiedeman, SHOOT!  You're a damn forward... Earnshaw had terrible opportunities but took them as best as he could.  That being said, I will not be surprised if the way to shut Toronto down is to man mark Earnshaw all match... am I insane or was the overwhelming majority of the game played in that quarter of the pitch that could be described as 'New York's side of half, but well in front of the 18 yard box'?... It's now 1:13am and I can still channel rage with the frustration of that match and that was after an absurd amount of dinner.  Eleven courses is too many, superstition be damned!  Dammit I wanna go to bed.

One nugget of news we've overlooked was the announcement of Tim Lieweke as the President of MLSE.  A primer as who this guy is can be summed up as "the guy who ran AEG when AEG owned 7 of the 10 league clubs".  His signing cannot be a negative.  At least Anselmi will no longer be the spineless question-dodging yes man at the top.  Obligatory "we welcome our new overlords" type gag here.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Richter 6, Agbossoumunde 6, O'Dea 6.5, Morgan 6, Lambe 6, Silva 6, Hall 6, Ephraim [Bostock 5.5], Braun N/A [Wiedeman 5.5 {Osorio 7}] Earnshaw 6.7

THE MATCHUP: X-Treme Skedding!

Crystal Pepsi Toronto Soccer Club - "Los Invisibalos"



TORONTO VS. NEW YORK
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
In a league with as much parity as MLS there aren't too many "easy wins" (Not true say every team not named Toronto!) but boy have TFC faced some stiff early season fixtures. While some (fairly or unfairly) bemoan TFC's ability to snatch draws from the jaws of victory lately, many prognosticators wouldn't have seen them competing as they have. So far, The Reds have faced the current 1st and 2nd place clubs from the West while facing all top five from the East. If this was an energy drink commercial you would have just heard a guitar riff.
　
The star-laden New York Red Bulls are the latest to test TFC's hardened "winning culture" but will also test the recently lauded depth of the club. While managing to rotate some of his squad during Wednesday night's VCup match vs. Montreal, Ryan Nelsen will see just how much his core group can handle a hot 'n heavy schedule. As with most other things TFC right now it may have to fall under "work in progress".
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Crashed Icer"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Robert Earnshaw, Luis Silva
NEW YORK: Tim Cahill, Thierry Henry, Jonny Steele
　
THE ODDS:
- Bitchy the Hawk to ice skate down from upper deck through frozen obstacle course: 100-1
- Reggie Lambe to dive to midfield from the stratosphere: 50-1
- Terry Dunfield to get the jimmy-legs after drinking to many Red Bulls at night: 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
When the Red Bull Corporation bought New York MetroStars and re-branded them, many thought it would start a wave of corporate-branded clubs in MLS. Toronto FC has had its share of beverage suitors but as their prestige declined annually so has the level of potential re-branding sponsors:
2007: FC CANADA DRY TORONTO
2008: RC COLA FC
2009: CRYSTAL PEPSI TORONTO SOCCER CLUB
2010: PC DIET COLA TFC
2011: FC POP SHOPPE TORONTO
2012: BRIO CALCIO TFC
2013 (pending offer): NEILSON EMPTY BAG OF HOMO MILK FC
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: (Just 3 minutes of extreme guitar riffs)

AFTER 90: "In New York, concrete jungle where bad dreams are made, oh"

"T to the Izzo, D to the Unfield"

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

FIRST HALF:

1' - Scoreline still 0-0. Yet to come close to TFC's previous 5-0 drubbings in New Jersey. #progress

2' - Shock and horror ripple through the 10% full Red Bull Arena as Quincy Amarikwa rattles the post with a low shot

6' - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson scores on a gorgeous 20-yard strike that finds the top corner of New York's goal. Against all right minds it's...

NEW YORK 0 - TORONTO 1

10' - Red Bulls have a boisterous supporters group called the "Viking Army" - because when you think Harrison, New Jersey - you think proud Norwegian ancestry

14' - GOAL: Just to rebel against my Scandinavian cynicism, giant Swede Markus Holgersson rises barely to get his head on a Thierry Henry corner kick

NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 1

21' - Ashtone Morgan with a great diving clearance after a Joel Lindpere cross into the box. Match has a frenetic pace with NYRB starting to control

25' - In their red shirt and white shorts combo, you can squint and pretend it's TFC 2007 all over again! Except without the warm fuzzy feelings, Danny Dichio and Carl Robinson and you know... hopes and dreams for a successful future

27' - GOAL: New York - Ouch. Thierry Henry saunters in and flicks the ball over to an absurdly open Kenny Cooper who taps it in while Richard Eckersley crashes into Freddy hall. Shambolic.

NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 1

38' - On a petty note - at least many of the supporters at Red Bull Arena tonight will be abducted by C.H.U.D.'s on their way back to their cars

42' - The more respect Luis Silva gets in MLS, the more knocks he takes. Will need to get used to taking his lumps.

45' - Reds keeping it close but can they keep up with this high energy pace for 90 Minutes?

HALFTIME: NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF:

45' - SUB: Andrew Wiedeman on for Luis Silva

46' - Wiedeman did some of the best stretching in the modern era before coming on.

50' - Definitely a chippier match than recent outings. Darren O'Dea and Richard Eckersley are a High Street deep fried cheeseburger away from making this a Glasgow Saturday Night

65' - Just realized I didn't write a thing for 15 minutes. As you were.

68' - YELLOW CARD: Aaron Maund (flying buttcheck)

72' - Darren O'Dea not headhunting but rather "handhunting" Thierry Henry's filthy Irish-screwing paws.

77' - One goal lead doesn't reflect offensive dominance of NYRB this half. Terry Dunfield's head could still steal a point which Thierry Henry deserves just for being him.

80' - Freddy Hall fighting off a scrappy Tim Cahill. When will the Bermudian-on-Australian violence ever end?

83' - SUB: Eric Avila on for Reggie Lambe

85' - When things go well for TFC (I know, ha ha) I refer to Paul Mariner as an "Ipswich Legend". When they piss me off he reverts back to "that ex-Arsenal twonk".

87' - Andrew Wiedeman tests "the modern era's" finishers from distance. Saved.

88' - GOAL: New York - I think this one is a re-run. Thierry Henry bedazzles the TFC defence while Kenny Cooper stands in a acre of space alone only to slot the pass in easily.

NEW YORK 3 - TORONTO 1

90'+ - GOAL: New York - Thierry Henry. Different class to anything TFC has ever had. Floated from distance over a hapless Hall.

NEW YORK 4 - TORONTO 1

90'+ - "ex-Arsenal twonk(s)"

FULL TIME: NEW YORK 4 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Freddy Hall 5 / Jeremy Hall 5 / Richard Eckersley 5.5 /Darren O'Dea 5.5 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Reggie Lambe 5.5 (Eric Avila N/A) / Aaron Maund 5 / Terry Dunfield 5.5 / Quincy Amarikwa 5 / Luis Silva 5 (Andrew Wiedeman 4.5) / Ryan Johnson 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Wow. Ryan Johnson? Sure.

THE BATH:

What do you expect here? A raging diatribe? Nope. All out of that sauce we're afraid. Just futility on top of futility and long past the point where any new angered description can address the frustration of supporting TFC. Not an unexpected result by any means, just another reminder that if MLS had a Division 2 - The Reds would be solidly mid-table.

We will say this though - if Paul Mariner wants to hold on to any of his rapidly diminishing reputation in TFC supporter eyes tonight - DO NOT come out and claim anything this evening was "positive", "so close", "best in ANY era" or anything that doesn't describe this club as a relegation-reprieved mess that needs 24/7 reconstruction between yesterday and next March.

THE MATCHUP: Red Bull gives you wings... Reds bull; without Frings

"The Champagne of Football Clubs"

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: GOL TV ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
A late-season trip to New York (well industrial post-apocalyptic New Jersey) inevitably stirs up memories in TFC supporters of that fateful match on the last day of the 2009 season. As we all remember, The Reds were on the verge of their first playoff appearance and with all on the line and a big effort needed - they laid a giant 5-0 sized egg.
　
Massive and immediate changes were needed after that match but instead of dispatching the Highlands Moron and his Gang (some who still pull strings at TFC), the club instead ripped out its guts by dispatching Carl Robinson, Marvell Wynne, a promising young coach in Chris Cummins and a rookie who had the balls to tell it like it was (while the existing "captain" told the world there were no problems at all) in Sam Cronin. Now, as TFC head towards (yet) another crossroads, supporters are once again wondering what changes are ahead. Will they be positive moves forward or a fruitless cull to protect the employment of "company men"?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Sam Cronin Testimonial"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
NEW YORK: Tim Cahill, Thierry Henry, Dax McCarty
TORONTO: Quincy Amarikwa, Terry Dunfield, Darren O'Dea
　
THE ODDS:
The following players regretting their dismissal form TFC...
Sam Cronin: 5000-1
Marvell Wynne: 5000-1
Carl Robinson: 5000-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
When the Red Bull Corporation bought New York MetroStars and re-branded them, many thought it would start a wave of corporate-branded clubs in MLS. Toronto FC has had its share of beverage suitors but as their prestige declined annually so has the level of potential re-branding sponsors:
2007: FC CANADA DRY TORONTO
2008: RC COLA FC
2009: CRYSTAL PEPSI TORONTO SOCCER CLUB
2010: PC DIET COLA TFC
2011: FC POP SHOPPE TORONTO
2012: BRIO CALCIO TFC
2013 (pending offer): NEILSON EMPTY BAG OF HOMO MILK FC
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS WELCOMES CLUB THAT NEVER QUALIFIES"

And... Since it's Friday and "We Heart Symbol NY"... here's a "love letter" to NYC (but maybe change "Staten" to "Harrison")...

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Harrison Extreme Beverage... or all this talk of drinks is making me thirsty

Hey, remember, like, 8 days ago how we were the worst team ever?  Those were some cloudy days, huh?  Its as if we had an extended pre-season where it just didn't matter.  Million dollar Danny (seriously, that guy needs at least a nickname, if not a song) went from being slow and not being able to finish, to being a little faster and smashing them in.  Toronto went from being LOL to WTF with the change of manager.

Sure, the defense is still offensive, and the side blew two 2-goal leads in consecutive matches, but high holy hell, what great drama!  And for once it doesn't involve management / lying to star midfielders / foreign players going bust / snowmobiles.  It's all conveniently located on the pitch in two 45-minute increments consecutively.  I think this is the "football" we've heard so much about.  Waited five and a third seasons for it...

Its hot, humid, and a blessing in disguise - its a night game.

I'm going with a 4-1 result for the mighty Robins.  Why not, were smashing them all as of late.  Laissez les bon temps roulez!

4' - GOAL - Cross came in from the far right, and one touch from Solli starts the game off wrong.
ROBINS 0, BEVERAGES 1

6' - GOAL - corner from Frings, headed down by Million Dollar Danny.  Game on!
ROBINS 1, BEVERAGES 1

That was easy. (no it wasn't)

10' - Lambe takes a through ball 25 yards out, holds off his marker long enough to poke the ball past the keeper, but not enough juice behind it to cross the line.

13' - Our neighbour, Brandon, shows up.  Didn't miss much *big grin*

29' - Danny K gets completely tripped up on the edge of the box in full view of the ref, and no call give.  Idiot ref.

32' - YELLOW - Dunfield takes down Henry for a wee knock, but the hush-hush DP regulations + rolling around dramatically = a booking.

45' - Three of the Beverages were in a massive offside position in an attempt that went off the post.  Not sure of the flags went up, but I'm assuming the worst.

HALF-TIME MOOD : tired from the initial rush of adrenaline slowly tapering off for 40 minutes.


67' - SUB - Lambe makes way for Soolsma.  Meow.

76' - Emory comes up with a huge tackle on Lindpere that gets the ball and leaves the Beverege crumples in a heap.  Aaaaaaand, he's jacked about the tackle, as he should.

79' - SUB - deGoo comes on for Avila

81' - someone on Toronto whips a ball into the middle and Koevermans heads it right into the keeper's hands.

83' - Here's a string you've never seen before.  Dunfield lays off for deGoo who crosses it into a sliding Soolsma who just puts it wide.  Fabulous stuff.

Now its getting fun.

85' - Frings crosses just past the net, but Johnson's header places the ball 6 yds in front of goal and is cleared to safety by a defender.

86' - SUB - Koevermans makes way for Silva and receives a nice round of applause.

2 mins of Extra Time

FULL TIME : Toronto 1, Harrison 1

Man of the Match - Frings.  Engine goes vroom.

Goat of the Game - none, really.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Henry's theatrics, Dannys foul and some other nonsensical bullshit I expect with discount refs.

In our appreciation for the Extreme Beverage away kit that we liked (because if you look quickly, they look like Boca Juniors standing at a Sunoco) and our general fondness for kits and crests, I'd like to introduce a semi-regular feature that less than 1% of the nerds reading this will appreciate...

Kit spotting : we spotted a Birmingham City away, OGC nice away, Bordeaux away but the Obscurity Award goes to the Eintract Frankfurt home kit worn by the 9 year old behind us.  That's kinda random.

This was the first match in a long time that the visitors were the ones holding onto the point.  Totally not like TFC and definitely not like Harrison... good to see so many people out to support Henry today.  Better that he didn't do a helluva lot except complain, embellish and deny Ireland a rightful trip to South Africa (too soon?)... It really is too soon to gush but the combinations of good crosses from Morgan and Johnson gets some of us giddy.  Mariner has got them playing some fairly nice football... Remember when Kenny Cooper was someone?... So, we realize that we cannot nickname Logan Emory "Screech" because he has now lopped off his curly 'fro.  However, we recognize that he looks like someone else...

Stalteri, meet the younger version of you, Staltini

It's a compliment, we assure you.

Dear MLS/Adidas,

I know I've gone on about how I detest your numbers and how a 1 and a 7 look waaay to close, but I'd like to point out how we guessed that the Harrison keeper's name is probably Meara.  We say probably because the stupid futuristic A and the stupid futuristic R are both far too similar when you're sitting as far away as we are (which isn't that far really).  We resigned for the rest of the game to call him both Marrr or Meaaa because it is absurd and ridiculous for a literate person to have to guess what the name says.

Change it.

It's been too friggin long and it isn't 2003 anymore. 

Yours in football kits, nerdity and graphic design,

The Yorkies

Player Ratings - Kocic 6.5, Hall 6.5, Eckersley 6, Emory 6.5, Morgan 6, Lambe 6.5 [Soolsma 6], Frings 6.5, Dunfield 6.5, Avila 6 [deGoo N/A] Koevermans 6.5 [Silva N/A], Johnson 6.5