THE STARTING 11: Signs that you are already suffering World Cup withdrawal

That could totally work on the TTC

 

It's over! We thought it was something special but you just got up and packed your bags. Well... it was a great month... we'll always have Rio. Yes, the FIFA travelling road show/circus of corruption that is the World Cup has torn down their gold and diamond-encrusted tents leaving us waiting for four long years and a reunion in Russia. Breaking up is always hard to do though and here are some tell-tale signs that you aren't handling the lack of World Cup action well...

11. You refer to spending hours getting drunk in a pub as a "mandatory cooling break"

10. Preparing to switch your nether region grooming from a "Brazilian" to whatever a "Russian" may be

9. Angering your girlfriend by constantly trying to get her to wear really tight Colombian kits

8. Your Facebook status is: "Questionable (Groin)"

7. You invite a confused elderly man over for dinner just to remind you of Roy Hodgson

6. Your friends all roll their eyes behind your back when you pretend to suddenly know everything about the country of Costa Rica

5. You spray paint your loafers gold just to give yourself a sense of achievement

4. You keep getting kicked out of Starbucks for biting the person in line ahead of you

3. Keep trying to get extra space on the subway by putting a line of shaving cream down in front of you

2. You got fired for constantly asking co-workers to swap shirts with you at the end of the work day

1. You added an umlaut to your name



THE STARTING 11: Rejected alternatives to World Cup penalty shootouts

Hey, we know that dude!

 

There really isn't a more heartbreaking way to go home from the World Cup than by being on the losing end of a penalty shootout. Years of qualifying, training, preparation and group stage victories can all be cut short by a goalkeeper's glove or the wide shot of a nervous kick-taker. However, matches can't go on forever and a deciding competition must exist. While the penalty shootout survives for now, word is that FIFA had polled some of the qualified nations for the current World Cup to find out how they would like a stalemate match decided.

11. SWITZERLAND: Sudden-death fondue party

10. BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA: First team with the word "and" in their name advances

9. NIGERIA: First team to send a spam email from a "prince" wins

8. ENGLAND: Team with most 1966 World Cup victories moves on

7. URUGUAY: "Who can eat a defender fastest?" competition

6. RUSSIA: Loser gets annexed

5. FRANCE: Most devastating existential crisis is forlornly victorious

4. GREECE: Last team to score wins

3. USA: Guns

2. GERMANY: Most umlauts wins

1. BRAZIL: Wax Off!



THE MATCHUP: World C.H.U.D.

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO
RED BULL ARENA - FRIDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Major League Soccer is BACK! Just as the World Cup heats up. Be one of dozens to return!
- Did the break give Ryan Nelsen the bravery to try out a Moore-Defoe-Gilberto-led 4-3-3?
- Will Tim Cahill return from his wonder goal World Cup in time to strike fear into corner flags?
- Will the C.H.U.D.s of Harrison, New Jersey capture TFC away supporters caught roaming after dark?
- It's one of the few remaining chances to use the TFC excuse "it will be way better when Michael Bradley gets back!"
- Did Gilberto learn any goal scoring tricks from that KIA?
- Swearing at Thierry Henry is cathartic.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Underground World Cup"

THE DUEL:
Thierry Henry vs. Jermain Defoe

WHO ARE YA?
The C.H.U.D. - or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller - is a mutated sub-species native to the sewer systems of the New York/New Jersey region and feared for its nocturnal tendencies to capture unsuspecting pedestrians. While they were eradicated from New York City in the mid-80's, a population of them survived under the apocalyptic Harrison, NJ area on a steady diet of rats and jet fumes from Newark Airport.

However, the construction of Red Bull Arena changed everything. With their natural habitat disturbed, C.H.U.D.s adapted to the new stadium above them and grew stronger by digesting the seeping Red Bull Energy Beverage which courses through the arena pipes. Their natural prey is now any away MLS supporter crazy enough to be caught wandering Harrison after a night match. A trail of scarves is often all that remains.

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
JUNE 27, 2006: NY/NJ MetroStars front-office rising star Mo Johnston hears about a new MLS expansion franchise in Toronto, Canada. Madness ensues.
 

C.R.U.D.

VOCAL MINORITY PODCAST: #BigKnots

Do you find yourself saying "I wish I could put the World Cup AND Toronto FC in a blender, make a smoothie, then pour it right into my ear openings"? There’s a podcast for that!

In this week's episode (AVAILABLE THURSDAY), Mark trades in his Slovak citizenship for a Uruguayan one, Kristin embraces her Albino lineage (Albanian-Latino) while Duncan and Tony use their British citizenships to claim full control over their post-England national team of choice - the British Virgin Islands aka "The Nature Boys". All this plus, Bitchy Blanks, a New York v TFC preview and other "biting" commentary. Get it? Suarez? Topical!

Just click on the "Vocal Minority Podcast" icon on the right side of this site and set your ears to "yo crazy!!!" FAGUNDEZ!

While you're clicking you really must read our partners in pod Waking The Red. They write actual real, quality TFC stuff with stats and "facts". Nerds. They are linked in our Links section on the right. Lurking.



THE STARTING 11: Odd World Cup injuries

"My face! My beautiful face!"

 

Going home from the World Cup on a plane sucks bad enough. (You made me cry again England) But, going home on a stretcher from the World Cup is about as bad as it gets for these athletes. After training for years for a shot at international football glory, some unfortunate players have to face this injustice. However, not all injuries are of your garden variety breaks, tears and pulls - this version of the World Cup has seen the rise of a variety of new, strange ailments...

11. Ghana Rhea

10. Ripped Brazilian

9. Slipped Diskerud

8. Daley Blindness

7. Broken Down Honda

6. Horizonte Belos

5. Premature Evacuation (Restricted to England camp)

4. Scrote D'Ivoir

3. Pepe-Induced Migraine

2. Spanish Uninfluenca

1. Sepp Bladder

 

THE STARTING 11: Ways that Toronto FC is trying to be more Brazilian

ARRR-GOOOOS!!!

 

Brazil! It's so hot right now! The nation that brought us the nut, flip-flops and modern pubic hair fashion is on everyone's lips. As hosts of the World Cup, this South American giant is under the global spotlight and our local club Toronto FC has noticed. Always an outfit looking to promote the crap out of something, The Reds plan a massive Brazilian makeover to cash in on the samba rhythms. No that's not the sound of wax ripping away from a hairy nether region - it's cash ripping our of wallets when TFC puts these Amazonian plans into fruition!

11. Maicon Santos to replace Jim Brennan in emergency addition to Wall of Honour

10. BMO Field security to unveil new carnival look with armoured thongs and flip-flops now part of uniforms

9. Gilberto to try this "goal-scoring" thing popular in Brazil

8. MLSE to purchase Liberty Village - turn into a favela

7. Andrew Wiedeman to entertain the crowd with giant comedy Ronaldinho teeth

6. "The De Ro... De Ro Cabana!"

5. Bitchy the Hawk replaced by Surly the Seven-Foot Anaconda

4. Joe Bendik roams around crying in a tiny towel

3. Bright Dike forced to drop one of his names

2. Argos to Maracana

1. Tim Leiweke? Smooth all over.



Adopt-A-Cup Minnow 2014

Facepalm!

Way, way back in the olden days of 2010, The Yorkies decided to adopt a World Cup Minnow to become our "Official World Cup Team". After a grueling process of elimination, we adopted the mighty All Whites (still not racist) of New Zealand.

What happened next was nothing short of almost-miraculous. The plucky Kiwis did not lose a match, grabbing three draws including one against mighty Italy. They missed escaping the Group Stage by one measly point. Two years later, the team captain Ryan Nelsen became Toronto FC manager. Mind blown.

Four years on and we are set to join TFC in a weeks long sabbatical of TV football overload. However, before we get a Bro-zilian, put on our Sepp Blatter autographed thong and order in a giant spit of Amazonian meat; we have to once again adopt one of the World Cup Minnows to support and consequently anoint TFC's next manager.

 

We make the future happen



Of the bottom seven FIFA ranked participants in this year's Cup, there are some compelling pros and cons...

GHANA: # 37
- National dish is called "Fufu"!
- Possibly too good to be a minnow. More of a tilapia.
- Get to potentially yell "We've Got Ghana-Rhea!"

IRAN: # 43
- Hilarious Iron Sheik style tweets that call Lionel Messi "the raisinballs"
- Would really piss-off other "Axis of Evil" squads.
- A Vancouver Whitecaps player is on the squad. Ouch.

NIGERIA: # 44
- Not exactly Country of the Year (pick up a newspaper)
- Super Eagles are better than Lazy Harris Hawks.
- Maybe those Nigerian princes will finally wire us that email money!

JAPAN: # 46
- They are from the future.
- Pretty sure at least three of them are robots in disguise.
- They have an Italian manager which means one thing: meatball sushi

CAMEROON: # 56
- Roger Milla as next TFC manager.
- "The Indomitable Lions" is too hard to put into a song.
- They are almost Macaroons which are delicious.

SOUTH KOREA: # 57
- Kick-ass white tiger badge.
- Bulgogi kind of freaks us out.
- Hard to forgive the Hyundai Pony

AUSTRALIA # 61
- After adopting New Zealand last time we'd feel dirty.
- Good excuse to recycle hilarious Crocodile Dundee Halloween costume.
- Country or continent? Pick one you greedy buggers.

AND THE WINNER IS...

 

 

JAPAN!

That's right! We're adopting Japanese; We're adopting Japanese - We really think so! The wee Samurai Blue are The Yorkies Official 2014 Minnow. Being Japan, that minnow will be instantly be prepared on a tiny bed of rice and served to us raw!

Set robots lasers to stun, plug in that old Super Nintendo and grab some Yen for that weird Tokyo vending machine that sells underwear because we are all up in Soccer Nippon Daihyo's hibachi grill! So look out Colombia, Greece and Ivory Coast - Japan has got the Yorkies' bump and the only way is up! Or at least sideways followed by the hiring of Shinji Kagawa as next TFC manager!

Moshi-Moshi!

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC plans during the World Cup

Also available on 8-Track

The most holy of all holy months is but days away. More than any other event on the planet's social calendar, the World Cup is responsible for the most fake sick days, "doctor's appointments" and mini-flag related injuries. Personally I'm thinking of contracting a mystery ailment called a "sepped bladder" to get some time off. One group that doesn't have to lie their way out of employment are your Toronto Eff Cee's. MLS has enforced a break during the opening rounds of the Cup but just how are some of The Reds planning to spend their glorious vacation?

11. DOMINIC ODURO: Shaving minute-by-minute highlights of all Ghana matches into his hair

10. STEVEN CALDWELL: Watching hours of World Cup coverage with family - Instinctively jumping up and flailing arms wildly whenever there is a shot on goal

9. MICHAEL BRADLEY: Choosing which part of his head to open a new massive wound... against Cristiano Ronaldo's delicate face

8. JOE BENDIK: Taking long walks on the beach - kicking pebbles at awkward 45 degree angles

7. BRADLEY ORR: Shopping for new TV after watching England crash out of the tournament... and headbutting old TV

6. JULIO CESAR: Winning the World Cup. Wearing a tiny towel. Crying.

5. DONEIL HENRY: Just having some wholesome, quiet family time... somehow receiving a red card

4. RYAN NELSEN: Watching the tactical masterclass of technical Dutch football... yelling "4-4-2!!!" at the TV screen

3. DWAYNE DE ROSARIO: Trying to buy a Betamax VCR so he can watch Canada World Cup highlights in their only available format

2. JERMAIN DEFOE: Demanding a refund on his Rickie Lambert voodoo doll

1. GILBERTO: Watch amazing goal highlights. Weeping gently.

"1812" facts leading up to Canada vs. USA

Oh yeah, right in the Ohio

Not only does Sunday night's "Centennial Match" friendly versus our friends the United States of America (aka Canada's jaunty scarf) celebrate 100 Years of "greatness" under the CSA but it also takes place nearly 200 years after The War of 1812's "Battle of York". Okay so we'd like the result at BMO Field to go slightly better but seriously - not enough is being done to tie in the whole 1812 thing!

While we at The Yorkies always included "1812" as part of our moniker to lend some spirit to our usual muses Toronto FC, we thought it was time to help the malfunctioning national association with some "Battle of York" comparisons. So, since the nanny-state security at BMO Field won't let us bring in some muskets, here are some CSA 1812's to help celebrate that other anniversary.

After all, 1812 is:

- the number of swear-word combinations Canadian supporters have created to proceed the phrase "Teal Bunbury"

- the amount of times Bobby Lenarduzzi yelled "GET BACK!" during his tenure as head coach

- Canada's future FIFA ranking if the CSA is left to their own devices

- the total amount of syllables in Kenny Stamatopolous' full name

- the annual wage the CSA will offer its next coaching candidate

- the number of pies former striker Ali Gerba ate during the 2009 Gold Cup

- the amount of long-stem roses sent to David Hoilett by Stephen Hart. So far.

- the number of times you will smack your forehead with your hand while Canada attempts to qualify for the 2014 World Cup

- how many CSA officials it takes to screw in a lightbulb

- the decibel range at which you need to sing the following chant at BMO Field on Sunday night...

"Canada! Fuck yeah!

We're gonna beat the fuckin' USA, yeah!"

(Actual footage from "The Battle of York")

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Canada v Puerto Rico... or This is not the soup you're looking for

I don't think this is what Hart had in mind...

It was a nice night out at BMO, but deja vu was in the air.  The last time a team in red played a team from the not-quite-a-U.S.-state, it was a group-stage clincher-type set-up where the visitors put 8 defenders in front of their goal and got the result needed to wreck everything.

Seriously, the parallels are there.

The game featured much of Canada controlling the ball quite nicely everywhere, except in the penalty area, followed by Puerto Rico getting a little counter that ends up doing nothing.  Josh Simpson working his ass off but creating little.  Jackson and Occean always just being a little too far/too close to head the ball on the crosses.  deGoo doing step over after step over.  DeRo trying to create some space.  Everyone holding on to the ball a little too long.  The absence of a right winger.  The overpopulation of the left wing.  These were the prominent themes of the beautiful October evening ruined by a lack of courage to shoot the ball.

Late in the match, Tyler Wilson gets through the solid back four and launches a shot that hits Hirschfeld right in the chest. Sadly, this was the best opportunity for either side all night.

When it was all said and done, the match ended in a grossly unsatisfying 0-0. The fear of taking chances did more to harm the scoreline than any opportunities.

However, through the Bobby Lenarduzzi School of Soccer Things, we have uncovered the pattern (Dan Brown's got nothing on this narrative). It turns out that the Canadian Men's National Team can't handle the pressure of playing in the media and financial centre of the country.  Here's the facts:

Opponent	Result Home	Result Away
St Lucia	4-1	7-0
Puerto Rico	0-0	3-0

By this math, Canada's aggregate away is 10-0, but at home it's a paltry 4-1. So we at The Yorkies can safely speculate that:

Opponent	Result Home	Result Away
St. Kitts & Nevis	3-2	16-0

I don't have the exact methodology, but trust me when I say that the science is good.  These are your scorelines

Man of the Match : Josh Simpson was everywhere.

Goat of the Game : Most of the team was mediocre at best.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5, as they called just about everything good and bad.

Am I the only one who finds it amusing that St. Kitts and Nevis are coming up here on the cusp of winter?

THE STARTING 11 (SPECIAL WC2014 EDITION): Team Canada banners and signs

Team Canada: So hot in the 80's!



While this site is usually 93% Toronto FC related - and 7% random 80's reference related - today we put down our Reds' scarves for er... red scarves. The Canadian Men's National Team embarks on its long, arduous and no doubt hair-pullingly frustrating journey towards World Cup 2014 this Friday at BMO Field. With all three home fixtures in this round being played in Toronto, a push has been on to fill the stadium with red shirts as opposed to the usual (ENTER COLOUR HERE) of whatever random CONCACAF opponent they are facing. We will be in the stands - will you? Why not? Yes you Torontonian, reading this... and put some damn pants on, this is a family blog! Either way, the eternally-underachieving Canada needs a raucous crowd behind them during this round and what better way than with big glorious banners and signs? Need some creative help? Use these with our compliments!
　
11. TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE... BEER $10
　
10. WHAT WOULD RANDY SAMUEL DO?
　
9. PUERTO RICO - AMERICA'S GARDENER
　
8. THIS MATCH IS ON TAPE DELAY
　
7. ST KITT'S & NEVIS - WE'LL BEAT BOTH OF YOU!
　
6. THE CSA - PROUDLY WATCHING WORLD CUPS ON TV SINCE 1986
　
5. THE HART FOUNDATION
　
4. WE'RE CONCACAF'S TALL WHITE GUY
　
3. BMO FIELD: WHERE FOOT HOCKEY LIVES
　
2. ST. LUCIA - PATRON SAINT OF SUCKING
　
1. CANADA: # 1 IN OUR HEARTS - # 102 IN FIFA