(aka Real Mary Poppins)
Monday, September 22, 2014
THE STARTING 11: Chivas USA rebrands
(aka Real Mary Poppins)
Friday, September 19, 2014
THE MATCHUP/AFTER 90: Adios
Thursday, July 18, 2013
AFTER 90: Up All Night To Get Crappy
CHIVAS USA VS. TORONTO
Jeez. Jonathan Osorio? Sure.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
THE MATCHUP: Under-a-Chivas
STUBHUB CENTER(!!!) - WEDNESDAY 10:30PM ET
TV: TSN2 (The Late Night Deuce)
THE KICKABOUT:
This is what it sounds like when doves die. Two clubs, two grand experiments in expansion science... two of the league's biggest lemons.
Firstly the hosts Chivas USA (apparently a terrible embarrassment but 1 point better than TFC presently) - a club created to capitalize on the Los Angeles area's monumental Hispanic population. A great idea in principle... except the part where they forgot that all Mexicans don't support Chivas Guadelajara and the ones that do, only want to watch... erm... Chivas Guadalajara. Akin to naming Toronto FC "Manchester United Toronto", the club shot themselves in the foot immediately and are still limping their way slowly to another city.
Speaking of TFC, it was in the expansion round after Chivas USA that the idea to capitalize on North Mexican's (aka Canadians) love for the soccerpuck that The Reds were born. Since The Goats had already effed up their club through poor branding, TFC would have to find a different way to eff themselves in the effer. That's called 2007-2013. And counting.
So what happens when two different flavours of mistake meet on the pitch? We are thinking some kind of Mediocre Supernova. God help the 17 people in attendance. And the 17 watching on TV from Toronto.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"El Crapico"
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
CHIVAS USA: Eric Avila, Dan Kennedy, Jorge Villafana
TORONTO: Jeremy Brockie, Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba
THE ODDS:
- The highest scoring match in MLS history: 20-1
- The lowest scoring match (-2) in MLS history: 20-1
- Attendance ranging between 20-1: 2-1
WHO ARE YA?
The Maracana, Wembley, The Bernabeu... The StubHub Center. LA's hallowed football ground is home to both Chivas USA and LA Galaxy with the former having their offices located in the stadium's infamous "Latin Quarter". The Goats have tried to aid their struggling attendance numbers by counting actual goats who roam in to graze on the pitch at halftime as well as people who may have once briefly thought about coming to a match. Possibly when drunk.
The newly re-branded stadium is located in Carson, CA - a suburb of Los Angeles that was founded in the early 1970's by guests of "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" who had been bumped from the show. On the banks of the Joan River, modern Carson is a vibrant community and home to The Ed McMahon Library & Bar, The Doc Severinsen Philharmonic Orchestra and a statue commemorating Tiny Tim's wedding.
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS CONTINUE TO BLOW GOATS"
Monday, April 16, 2012
THE STARTING 11: Chivas USA re-brands
11. FC Zenit San Andreas
10. Borussia Monchihuahua
9. Pachuca North End
8. Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Club in the World"
7. Sheffield Miercoles
6. Santos Laguna's Little Helper
5. Deportivo De La Carson
4. Galatacoray
3. FC Girondins de Border Patrol
2. Club UnAmerica
1. IFK Goatborg
Sunday, April 15, 2012
THE TABLE FIVE REPORT : Toronto v. Chivas... or Can you do a match report of a match you didn't see?
This will be the weakest report ever written. With our principle author slumming it up in England watching some non-league footie, no doubt, and yours truly had to give up his tickets for a wedding (congratulations Rob and Shannon), it was necessary for some kind of report since the others weren't really up to it.
My prediction was a 1-1 draw with the belief that we must learn to walk before we can learn to run.
With my forensic research abilities, this is what I've been able to piece together.
6' - WEDDING - Seated at Table 5 with a bunch of people I don't really know. Time to check the score on the phone. No goals yet.
20'- Kocic makes a great stop a Ryan Smith rocket after it takes a deflection off of Aceval.
31' - GOAL - Minda takes the ball from a BolaƱos corner and heads it down to the pitch bouncing up into the top left corner.
Robins 0, Los Whiskeys 1
32' - WEDDING - Phone says the Robins are down by one. Heading to the bar, coming back double fisted with rum and cokes.
34' - WEDDING - Nice! Alcohol isn't watered down. Feel bad about giving the bride and groom a stack of 15% off Bed Bath and Beyond coupons since I doubt we'll ever use the 25% off ones...
37' - WEDDING - Here comes the wedding party being introduced to the hall. The MC is left to be desired but what do I know, I'm a smart-ass. Everyone should be coming into this if you're going to strut like that. #mandatory
44' - Zemanski has a go from 20 yds out and Kocic does his best superman impression to save it.
Half Time Mood : Girlfriend is pissed. "Why do you keep looking at the phone when we can talk about our wedding?" That's why I keep looking at the phone.
47' - Johnson has his shot blocked at the end of a maurading run down the right side of the pitch.
56' - SUB - Aceval makes way for Doniel Henry.
66' - YELLOW - Lambe gets booked for something.
69' - WEDDING - This clam and potato dish is rather tasty. There's certainly some cheese mixed into the crust and it's served on a clam shell-shaped plate. So cute.
70' - Plata turns his defender around and puts a cross into the box and Koeverman's blind touch can't beat Kennedy.
71' - SUB - Silva comes off for Avila.
79' - Avila floats a brilliant ball across pitch to Johnson who beats Kennedy but it cleared off the line by Kennedy.
81' - WEDDING - I always understood a speech is something that you prepare and don't just make up on the spot. Turns out everyone involved with making a speech are familiar with this definition. Seriously, if you're going to go off the top of the head, "Ummm..." should not come up more than once per sentence.
84' - Johnson is the unluckies bugger ever, a great cross and Johnson heads it back across the face of goal but just wide of the post.
89' - Counterattack long ball finds Plata who lays a perfect ball to Koevermans and his shot is stopped by Kennedy. The frustration is visible.
90+2' - WEDDING - Got up to sing a song for the bride and groom to they could kiss. Sang the Danny Dichio song. Groom asks my "why that song?" and I responded "well, you chose to keep the wedding date after the schedule was released... so there's some payback"
Full Time : Toronto 0, Chivas 1
Man of the Match : Consensus was that Johnson was worthy of the honours. From what I saw, honorable mentions need to go to both Kocic and to Kennedy.
Goat of the Game : Consensus was "everyone else was bad".
From Dom, "the game, awful dude, just awful". RohanKoomar postulates about the match "I don't think our midfield is good enough. We have good individual players but don't seem to click".
I'd like to give props to Toronto FC's "Game In Six Minutes" for letting me experience the pain and discomfort in 1/15th of the time.
I'd like to apologize for this attempt and I did what I can. Not much insight, to be sure, but regular service will resume this weekend vs. Chicago. Promise.
Friday, April 13, 2012
THE MATCHUP: No tempers flare as Canada FC faces Club UnAmerica"
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET
TV: GOL TV
THE KICKABOUT:
Outside of Rick Martel and Tito Santana's 80's wrestling tag-team "Strike Force" uniting both sets of fans - these two teams have about as little to do with each other as any in MLS. They probably like us a bit for knocking Galaxy out of the CCL and for playing against Santos Laguna, but outside of that? Meh. Do they miss Preki? No? We have that in common. See! He's good for something after all!
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El NAFTA"
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Julian de Guzman, Joao Plata, Luis Silva
CHIVAS USA: Juan Pablo Angel, Nick LaBrocca, Heath Pearce
THE ODDS:
- Juan Pablo Angel still scoring against TFC at will: 3-1
- Nick LaBrocca stopping match to remind us about filing our taxes on time: 10-1
- With Montreal now in the league, fixture losing official title of "Most Un-American MLS Match": 20-1
WHO ARE YA?
There can be little argument that Chivas USA are one of Major League Soccer's weakest links. Did the bright ownership not stop to think that they may alienate all of the Mexican expats in the LA area who weren't Chivas Guadalajara supporters? Would Toronto-area Chelsea, West Ham or Spurs fans have supported Toronto Arsenal FC? Uh-huh. But not to fear... Chivas’ white knight could very well be David Beckham who apparently has the clause to buy an MLS club at the end of his contract. Whispers in the LA football/fashion industries say Becks wants to transform the club into "C.D. Hombres USA" and stack the club with handsome and hunky Latino underwear models.
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "JACOB PETERSON TAKES TO TWITTER - CALLS FIXTURE AN 'AFFRONT TO AMERICAN VALUES'"
Sunday, September 25, 2011
AFTER 90: If the Goat horns fit
The only real prize for the winner of tonight's match will be for overly optimistic Goats or Robins supporters (yes, we are trying call TFC "The Robins" for sh*ts and giggles) to pretend for one week longer that they have a playoff hope. The truth is, both clubs are on the outside by some distance looking in and are mostly playing for pride and 2012 jobs. The question going in for TFC was whether or not Aron Winter would play a 2nd Team to keep bodies fresh for Tuesday's CCL tilt with Pumas. Heading into Home Depot Centre however, it looks as if Winter decided on the 1st Team option. Stubborn as a goat - or exhausted by Goats? A decision that may haunt the rookie manager if The Reds are flat on Tuesday.
FIRST HALF:
8' - YELLOW CARD: Ashtone Morgan
12' - GOAL: Chivas USA - Juan Pablo Angel
CHIVAS USA 1 - TORONTO FC 0
27' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley
44' - YELLOW CARD: Andy Iro
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Not letting in four goals.
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: TFC ruining our "Goatbusters" theme.
HALFTIME: CHIVAS USA 1 - TORONTO FC 0
SECOND HALF:
45' - SUB: Terry Dunfield for Julian de Guzman
71' - GOAL: Chivas USA - Justin Braun
CHIVAS USA 2 - TORONTO FC 0
73' - SUB: Peri Marosevic for Ryan Johnson
77' - GOAL: Chivas USA - Juan Pablo Angel
CHIVAS USA 3 - TORONTO FC 0
84' - SUB: Danleigh Borman for Danny Koevermans
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Koevermans and Eckersley’s near-goals.
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Chivas’ actual ones.
FULL TIME: CHIVAS USA 3 - TORONTO FC 0
THE MOOD:
Whether it's justified or not - when TFC inevitably fails to beat Pumas on Tuesday, many will put the blame squarely at Aron Winter's squad management going into tonight's match. There were many calls for Winter to play a 2nd unit against Chivas considering TFC's impossible MLS playoff chances and the importance of the CCL match. Truth be told, The Robins (again!) would struggle against a superior Pumas no matter the line-up but patience is at a low ebb and many will grumble towards the Dutch manager. Silly optimistic playoff talk can now end for good and in 72 hours we may be saying that about 2011 in general.
The match left us feeling: like we wanted a refund for our Saturday night.
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6 / Richard Eckersley 5.5 / Ty Harden 5 / Andy Iro 5 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5 / Julian de Guzman 5 (Terry Dunfield 5 ) / Torsten Frings 5.5 / Eric Avila 5 / Nick Soolsma 5 / Danny Koevermans 6 (Danleigh Borman - ) / Ryan Johnson 6 (Peri Marosevic - )
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Ugh. Ryan Johnson?
TALKING POINT: If a fake Mexican team beats us this bad - what will a real one do? Discuss.
Friday, September 23, 2011
THE MATCHUP: Puma > Goat. Discuss.
CHIVAS USA (13th) VS. TORONTO FC (16th)
THE HOME DEPOT CENTRE - SATURDAY 10:30PM ET
TV: GOLTV RADIO: FAN 590
THE KICKABOUT:
Once a year, usually around this time of the season, Toronto FC is faced with "The Most Important Match of the Season (TM)". Saturday's tilt with Chivas USA is not it. The "MIMOFTS" (catchy acronym!) is actually on Tuesday vs. Pumas UNAM in Champions League. TFC still has a mathematical shot at advancing in CCL - they have no realistic shot at the MLS Playoffs. There's the rub.
While we don't like "throwing" any match, many supporters hope Aron Winter swallows his pride and plays a secondary unit against The Goats, despite them only being a tempting 2 points above The Reds in the table. A cross-continental round-trip and a late-night (Eastern Time) match will not do TFC any favours with the mighty Mexi-cats on their way to Toronto. Give it the old college try... but The Reds need to blow off The Goats.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El NAFTA"
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
CHIVAS USA: Juan Pablo Angel, Ante Jazic, Nick LaBrocca
TORONTO: Eric Avila, Milos Kocic, Ashtone Morgan
THE ODDS:
- Aron Winter stubbornly playing his 1st Team: 5-1
- TFC attacked in parking lot by gang named "Pumas USA": 50-1
- This blog existing if Toronto had decided to name its club "Arsenal FC CDN": 5000-1
WHO ARE YA?
The Home Depot Centre is home to both Chivas USA and LA Galaxy with the former having its offices located in the stadium's infamous "Latin Quarter". The Goats have tried to aid their struggling attendance by offering a free pick-up truck shuttle service from actual Home Depots to attract migrant and illegal workers who weren't picked up to work that day.
The stadium is located in Carson, CA - a suburb of Los Angeles that was founded in the early 1970's by guests of "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" who had been bumped from the show. On the banks of the Joan River, modern Carson is a vibrant community and home to The Ed McMahon Library & Bar, The Doc Severinsen Philharmonic Orchestra and a statue commemorating Tiny Tim's wedding.
THE WAGER: 1-0 Chivas USA (2011: 21-20 with 6 exact scores)FUTURE HEADLINE: "GOATS GIVE REDS THE HORNS"
Saturday, April 2, 2011
AFTER 90: Frustrating Reds draw Goats in Faux-Mexican Standoff
Hours of bluster. Since the Dwayne De Rosario trade madness started up 24 hours ago it's all we've faced. Chattering media, confused fan's banter and an ex-captain who always wants the last word. It was the bluster of wind however that howled through BMO Field today as Toronto FC played the first game in their post-DeRo era. A cold and indeed breezy environment welcomed the Reds onto their home turf as they were led out by newly minted, and rather surprising, captain Maicon Santos. This is what it sounds like when Goats cry...
1' - There would have been a larger ripple of surprise that Maicon Santos was the new TFC captain but BMO Field doesn't fill up until the 20th minute
2' - GOAL! Perhaps TFC's defence was surprised by the announcement as they failed to concentrate and allowed Chivas USA's Alejandro Moreno to scramble home a messy goal after missing four opportunities to clear it
TORONTO FC 0 - CHIVAS USA 1
4' - The only thing flatter than the cold and still sparse crowd is the painfully tepid start to the match by TFC. They can't be THAT depressed about DeRo
12' - TFC still refusing to attack Chivas' goal while the Mexi-Mericans squander numerous chances
15' - Stirrings of life as Alen Stevanovic shows some class on the ball. He is the new DeRo after all
17' - Former Red and current tax attorney Nick LaBrocca hauls down Stevanovic in a move we call "Getting Audited". If the ref wasn't MLS-worst Baldomero Toledo there may have been a call
20' - Bored elements of crowd wish Chivas USA's "Chivas Girls" dancers were a road act
24' - Javier Martina pulling team up by bootstraps. Earns a corner which Alan Gordon gets his head solidly onto only for the ball to rattle the post.
31' - New captain Maicon Santos sends a 20-yard screamer into Chivas GK Dan Kennedy's gut
33' - BMO Field misses the boat with lack of "Goat" themed food available today. C'mon - "Goat Roti in a Waffle Cone" too much to ask for?
36' - GOAL! TFC capitalize on a period of good play as Alan Gordon's giant noggin successfully slices home a great free kick from Jacob Peterson
TORONTO FC 1 - CHIVAS USA 1
42' - BMO Field staff don't see the irony of the new electronic ad hoardings flashing Red Bull logos at the crowd
44' - TFC controlling the match and nearly take the lead after Maicon Santos scrambles the ball into the Chivas net only to be called minutely offside my the linesmen. "MLS Officiating - Catch The Taste"
HALF TIME: TORONTO 1 - CHIVAS USA 1
46' - Crowd excited that no local rappers were "entertaining us" during the half but also by Julian de Guzman's return to play as a sub for Jacob Peterson
50' - TFC shockingly start the 2nd Half as flat as the way they started the 1st. Winter needs to start giving pep talks in English
55' - Good thing he has his looks. Adrian Cann is a good shot-blocker but his feet are like bricks when dribbling. Not adapting to "Torontotal" football well
57' - Chivas' Corona sponsored kits make throwing limes at them seem justified
59' - Maicon Santos reverts back to his non-Brazilian alter-ego "Mike Sanders" as he walks the ball towards a wide-open Chivas net but somehow manages to miss. What is Brazilian-Portuguese for "side of a barn"?
62' - MLS referees. Did we mention them? So choice.
65' - DeRo bounty Tony Tchani gets on end of a cross and somehow produces a slow-motion header into Dan Kennedy's hands.
65' - No faking - Dicoy Williams in for Nana Attakora
68' - The Corona must be kicking in because Chivas looks drunk-guy confident
69' - Alen Stevanovic slightly hobbles off as 3 foot 6 inch striker Joao Plata makes his TFC debut. Bottom of his shorts touch the grass
75' - Aron Winter's head may actually explode at Baldomero Toledo. Welcome to MLS
80' - Chivas controlling the offence. Stefan Frei and his day-glo green jumpsuit are the only thing between a draw and ugly
82' - Fans surprisingly angry towards Nick LaBrocca. I was nice - haven't filed my taxes yet
85' - Total football degrading to Mo-tal football
90'+ - Best thing referee Toledo did all day. Blow the final whistle.
Flat was probably the most apt word to describe the match. A strange 24 hours for the club, its players and its fans which expressed itself onto the pitch. The single point at the end of the match was a fair result for two clubs who will likely spend majority of the year holding up the MLS table. Hopefully by time TFC's next fixture rolls around, the DeRo mess will be drifting into the horizon. However, if De Rosario thought he could get a parting shot at Winter's club, the Dutchman put things to rest in his own way. Enough he said, he shed for now though... I've still got limes to put in Coronas.
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 7 / Danleigh Borman 7 / Adrian Cann 5 / Nana Attakora 6 / Ty Harden 6 / Jacob Peterson 6 / Tony Tchani 5 / Alen Stevanovic 6 / Alan Gordon 7 / Maicon Santos 6 / Javier Martina 7 / SUBS: Julian de Guzman 5 / Dicoy Williams 6 / Joao Plata N/A
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Adrian Cann
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Blustery. Flat. Frustrating. New era.
* Many thanks to Mike Santos for use of his great pic of Red Bull not only taking our captain but then flashing their name in our stadium!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
THE MATCHUP: Total Football butts heads with Goat-al Futbol
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET
TV: TSN
Geographically and culturally, Toronto FC vs. Chivas USA is about as far apart as MLS matches get. Faux-Mexican / Canadian rivalries pretty much peaked when Tito Santana and Rick Martel's "Strike Force" tag-team broke up. But alas, The Goats arrive in Toronto this week and bring a bad start to 2011 under their ponchos.
The re-building Angelinos have lost their two opening MLS matches this season and were beaten 2-0 by Portland Timbers in US Open Cup action this past Tuesday. New coach Robin Fraser has yet to find the winning solution as Chivas still try to climb out of the "Post-Preki" era. Sound familiar? Defence is the glaring weakness for The Goats who bring three ex-Reds, Nick LaBrocca, Paolo Nagamura and Andrew Boyens, into BMO Field.
Of course, a winless opponent is always a potential banana skin and Aron Winter will be aware of that while trying to install his "Torontotal" football. With Julian de Guzman still out and Mikael Yourassowsky on suspension, Winter will have to juggle his line-up once again. Going consistently hard at a weak Chivas back four will be the key to a TFC victory.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Maple Dorito"
GOAT-BUSTERS!: Maicon Santos, Alen Stevanovic, Adrian Cann
NOT BAAA-D: Mariano Trujillo, Jimmy Conrad, Justin Braun
THE ODDS
- Accountant-looking Nick LaBrocca scoring a goal for Chivas USA and jumping into the crowd in celebration... then filing fans' taxes: 15-1
- Slightly inappropriate Mexican puns from the crowd numbering well into the hundreds: 20-1
- The BMO Field crowd being separated into two camps - The Pro Jazic and the Ante Jazic: 100-1
WHO ARE YA?
- Chivas USA weren't the first Mexican-partnered club side outside of Mexico. The old Canadian Soccer League was home to Club America Canada, Hamilton Tigres-Cats and Pachucanada
- TFC broadcasting partner TSN is getting on the Mexican-themed bandwagon by following The Reds v Chivas match with the final of the National Mexican Hockey League. The 2011 Sergio Cup Final pits Los Habitants dos Monterrey against Tijuana Mighty Chihuahuas
- TFC's halftime show will feature the presentation of the 2011 "Vinnie Jones Award for Excellence in Football Recklessness" to Mikael Yourassowsky. Former winners Adam Braz, Kevin Harmse and Maxim Usanov will be on hand
RICK MARTEL SAYS: 2-0 Toronto FC
TITO SANTANA SAYS: "Ariba!" Then he said 0-1 Chivas USA
FUTURE HEADLINE: "GOATS CAN'T FIND NET - LABROCCA FINDS TAX LOOPHOLES FOR SUPPORTERS"
In lieu of a proper April Fools prank, enjoy this instead. April. Fools.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
AFTER 90: "E" for effort
CHIVAS USA 3 - TORONTO FC 0
It's late in the season. It's late at night. Chivas USA didn't want to be there. Toronto FC didn't want to be there. I didn't want to watch. Neither did you. As two pretty woeful teams heading nowhere fast played out the string on Saturday night, we decided to present this post-match report with the same amount of effort put in by Maple Leaf $ports and "Entertainment" in building TFC over the last five years.
Enjoy. Or don't. Whatever. As long as you renew your season tickets...
- Crappy crowd playing Mexican mariachi music. Like BMO 2012
- Some guys are kicking the ball.
- Whatshisname - Dave De Romario almost got a goal. Fail.
- Chivas have the sauciest middle-age cheerleaders in MLS. Hola.
- That guy who looks like Poor Rooney... Barretta - miss.
- More kicking.
- Toronto's secret: pass to the goalie. Hasn't worked yet.
- Poor Rooney blew out his hamstring.
- I'm going for a ham sandwich.
- Our guy with the afro knocked a dude over.
- Maicon Santos... aren't Brazilians good at the soccer?
- I think this ham is off.
- Halftime.
- Fell asleep. GOL TV talking about pride and passion. Uh-huh.
- Missed some kicking.
- A Mexican dude scored. We should get one.
- Earl Cochrane. Jim Brennan. Discuss.
- The ham was definitely off.
- Kicking.
- I can hear Jason De Vos talking about TFC's "future" from the bathroom. Mine... not his.
- Maxim Usanov hasn't punched anyone in too long.
- Have we been falsely linked to any Italian coaches today?
- Remember late-night Italian movies? Ciao Tutti.
- 73rd minute... hey Jacob Peterson has been playing.
- O'Brian Wide.
- Ham was a terrible mistake.
- Nick Dasovic is shouting. You're hired. Discuss
- Budweiser and Clamato? That's a thing?
- Dichio sent off. Just like the old days... without the fun.
- No subs left and Cann goes off injured. Bet it was ham.
- Nodded off. Woke to Mexican guy scoring. Really, let's have one.
- His hombre got another one. Ariba.
- It's done. What? Three more of these? Wish the ham would have finished me off once and for all.
MAN OF THE MATCH: That Mexican guy
GOAT OF THE MATCH: Tiny expiry dates on cold cuts
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Desire. Pride. Future. Blah. Blah.
SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "PLAYING FOR PRIDE NOT AS GOOD AS PLAYING FOR A TROPHY"
TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "Playing for pride blah blah. The badge on the blah blah. Next year will be blah blah. Blah blah blah. All for blah." - Either of the current ML$E employees who will be named next GM
Friday, October 8, 2010
THE MATCHUP: Chivas USA VS. Underachievas CDN
CHIVAS USA (15th) VS. TORONTO FC (10th)
Home Depot Center - Saturday 10:30PM ET
TV: GOL TV RADIO: THE FAN 590
Here's a bit of long-weekend philosophy: if two poor football teams with nothing to play for; play a match in front of few fans who could care less; broadcasted on a channel that hardly anyone gets... does it still exist? Deep. I know.
Don't expect this match to be leading any MLS weekend highlight packages as both teams play out the string while plummeting down the table. The irony isn't lost that the two clubs are also the two most recent posts of Predrag Radosavljevic. While both teams struggle to break free from their Prekiball tenures, his legacy (especially in player acquisitions) remains. There will be more plumbers on the field than your average game of Super Mario Bros.
Luckily for TFC fans, it looks as if our White Knight has arrived in the form of "Interim" Director Earl Cochrane. During "Smooth" Earl's Q & A session on TFC's website, the increasingly less "interim" director said that next year will be much different. Phew. What a relief! We can all sleep easy. In between corporation quotes Cochrane said that TFC 2011 will be a "very different team - young, organized, committed and quick - entertaining to watch". Wow! Great news Earl! ML$E should just make you Director now! They are? Great!... Good grief.
Let's see... young, organized, committed and quick. Umm that leaves... Sam Cronin? Oh yeah... Earthquakes. Yay! An all new team then!
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Preki Legacy"
GOATS WHO BLOW: Maykel Galindo, Jonathan Bornstein, Ante Jazic
BLOWING GOATS: Dwayne De Rosario, Stefan Frei, Chad Barrett
THE ODDS:
- Two Post-Preki teams refusing to play any defence at all out of spite: 5-1
- Earl Cochrane to miss match due to scratching the word "Interim" off of his office door: 4-1
- Combined LA and Toronto TV ratings for match almost equal to ratings for Commonwealth Games Men's Field Hockey: 2-1
WHO ARE YA?
- ML$E's never-ending quest to expand their empire includes plans to field a Canadian-esque team in Mexico called "Beavas CDN"
- Halftime show at Home Depot Center to invite fans of both clubs to hit a giant "Preki" piƱata full of hard to swallow Serbian candy
- ML$E is planning to meet with corporate stadium sponsors Home Depot to set up a new cross promotion - "Home Depot and Toronto FC: Rebuilding Since Day One"
THE GOATS SAY: 2-1 Chivas USA
LOS BEAVERS SAY: 3-2 Toronto
HEADLINE: "RUMOURS OF SOCCER MATCH YET TO BE CONFIRMED"

Team of plumbers
Saturday, August 7, 2010
AFTER 90: A Tale of Two Prekis
TORONTO FC 2 - CHIVAS USA 1
There were multiple before-and-after comparisons on show at BMO Field today. You could compare the two squads- Chivas USA: (the post-Preki) who are now a directionless and faceless squad struggling in the league and struggling to find an identity in the wake of three years of Prekiball... and Toronto FC (mid-Preki) the defensively solid and strong at home squad who never met a 1 goal lead they didn't love. Right now TFC looks like the better of the two (although Canadian Ante Jazic would be a nice improvement on Nick Garcia... just sayin') but when you look at TFC closer there is a further before-and-after that prevents them from being a really good team.
If you compare TFC in today's first half to the one that emerged in the second half you could be forgiven for tinking they were different teams. The opening 45 had great ball movement, strong wing play, tough defence and flair play which resulted in a 2 goal lead. The second half display was all things that are ugly about Prekiball: scrambling defence, long ball clearances, turtle-turtle-turtle.
Lucky for TFC that the post-Preki Chivas are a pretty toothless squad. The MexiMericans got one goal back on a very generous penalty kick but a better squad, and TFC have many on their way, would have capitalized on the old Prekinaccio. Don't get me wrong, 3 points in the playoff hunt is great and deserved but the TFC from the first half can make the playoffs - the one in the after photo (aka the 2nd half) will not.
MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei (TFC)... again
GOAT OF THE MATCH: Goats
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Attractive. Ugly. Jekyll and Hyde.
SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "GOATBUSTERS BLAST GHASTLY CHIVAS"
TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "Look I'm just Dan Gargan. I'm the best Goddamn Dan Gargan there is. Dan Gargan doesn't throw like Rory Delap - he throws like mutherf***in Dan Gargan. You are making Dan Gargan angry. You won't like it when Dan Gargan gets angry... Gaaaarrrr-gaaaannnn!!!" - Dan Gargan comments on his long goal assisting throw-in
Friday, August 6, 2010
THE MATCHUP: Ghost of Preki Future?
TORONTO FC (9th) VS. CHIVAS USA (13th)
BMO Field - Saturday 4PM ET
TV: CBC RADIO: THE FAN 590
It's hard to reflect on the state of TFC right now without being biased by the great win against Motagua this past Tuesday. However, before that historic (for Toronto at least) draw in Honduras, TFC's regular season has been mediocre at best for the last five or six weeks. Returning home after a nightmare "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" journey, and with their "Now With 6 Added Matches!" apparent lack of depth, TFC could be in for a hard day against a club that may be a vision of Toronto future.
Chivas USA arrive in town a low-table, re-building, faceless squad. Why the re-build? Much of it has to do with their last manager... Preki. In his time at the Mexi-Merican club Preki played a defence-first turtle style; got rid of flair players (like Amado Guevara) and filled the roster with grinding journeymen; put all his offensive eggs in one talented attacking midfielder (the now Anderlecht-based Sacha Kljestan) while ignoring other scoring possibilities; and... had three early playoff exits to show for it.
Months after Preki's departure from The Goats, new manager Martin Vasquez (who likes football) is attempting to re-invent a team left with a bunch of grinders and few technical footballers. Chivas have four loan-players to try and inject some football back into their football team but are still a husk of a squad. Prekiball is all fine and good when the team is pulling together and winning 1-0 but what about when Preki inevitably leaves TFC? Will The Reds be left with a team full of workmen who can only play one boring (and ultimately unsuccessful) turtle-style too? I'd say don't worry but it will be the “soon-to-have-a-shiny-new-CCL-contract” Mo Johnston left to re-build it. That blows goats.
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Goat v Beaver 2010"
RED EYES: Mista, Maicon Santos, Nana Attakora
GOATS-A-GO-GO: Ante Jazic, Maykel Galindo, Jonathan Bornstein
THE ODDS:
- TFC will go more than one week without a "Preki reunion": 3-1
- BMO Field supporters to argue right to drink "Chivas Regal" during match: 10-1
- Mo Johnston to emerge from his bunker wearing a shiny gold jacket with "Champions League 2010 Director" on the back - then promise new signings: 2-1
- Mo Johnston making a signing: 5000-1
WHO ARE YA?
- To combat the seabird problem at Home Depot Center, Chivas have borrowed TFC's "Bitchy" idea and introduced "Putey" a bird-chasing goat"
- Chivas USA were named to FIFA's "All-time Non-foreign but Sound Foreign Domestic Clubs Top 10" beating out FC Glasgow Celtic Copenhagen, Barca Mongolia and FC Zenit St.Petersburg Florida for top-spot
- Fans at Chivas home matches are enjoying a new Chip Butty-themed snack with a local MexiCali twist - it's a heavily buttered burrito filled with spicy curly fries called "El Coronarios Amigo"
- Low attendance at Chivas and the burgeoning MLS market north of the border had Goats' owners considering moving the club to Canada in 2008. Sadly "CD Chivas Saskatoon CDN" never materialized
GHOST OF PREKI PRESENT SAYS: 1-0 Toronto
GHOST OF PREKI PAST SAYS: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "TFC BLOWS OUT GOATS" or "TFC BLOWS GOATS"
Sunday, November 15, 2009
THE WORD: All Day Prek-fest?
The merit that this rumour has is that Preki, or Predrag Radosavljevic for our Serbian readers, was a long time teammate of Mo Johnston's at KC Wizards. Johnston seems to have a very limited network and often reaches out to ex-teammates and clients of his agent when jobs arise. A recent example of flying in a former comrade was this year's signing of veteran defensive stalwart Nick Garcia - and look how good that turned out!
Preki however, is no equivalent to Garcia. He is a quality MLS manager with a very good knowledge of the league. Here though lies the rub. Preki has been proven to be a tough manager who like to be in charge, something he would no doubt demand in any new bench boss role. If Mo Johnston thinks that because Preki was a former pal then he would in turn be happy to be the Scotsman's puppet, Mo will be wrong.
Preki famously fell out with TFC's Amado Guevara at Chivas and dispatched the petulant midfielder to Toronto without a second thought. He then quickly turned a poor Chivas team into a contender and was always the boss. With other rumoured job offers, such as an assistant on the USA Men's National Team, a TFC offer will have to give the former MLS Coach of the Year what he wants - to be fully in charge.
The question is, will Mo Johnston be willing to cut the puppet strings for the good of the team even if it means sticking his own neck out for once? Considering the TFC official site is mentioning Preki as a "candidate" means that there is some smoke to the fire.
WORD FACTOR: 7 / 10
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The South Couch Report – Chivas v. TFC or... I could've been out clubbing tonight
So now there's more to read. Lucky you.
This is the first of three away games, which is convenient such that it doesn't interfere with that upstart Canadian National Exhibition bullsh*t that gets in the way. Oh sure, a nice summer night to watch a footy match is too much to ask apparently. I'll never understand why we had so many home games so early. Then again, I'd prefer all of our games be home games. It's not like they're dying to watch us in Columbus.
Toronto are coming off a wonderful match against DC where
I also would like to give a shout out to the parents for having a PVR. This allowed me to have a night out with the lads rather than having a frustrating night at a pub. Oh well.
Chivas are tied on points with Toronto, but have a few games in hand.
Onto the match.
3 – It's announced that the Reds are playing a 4-5-1 with White being the lone forward. I'm no manager and I know it can turn into a 4-3-3, but why aren't we playing a 4-3-3 or a 4-3-2-1 Christmas Tree formation. In Pro Evo, I always play 4-3-3.
6 – Gerry Dobson on SportsNet just called Attakora “the best defender Toronto has had all season”. We're big fans of the guy, but given that he didn't get a game until about round 6 or 7, that's a tall compliment given Marvell Wynne's reliability.
11 – Cronin's got some hustle which results in a corner. Nothing comes of it.
16 – Every offensive manoeuvre has resulted in a no-show of control in the final third. Puerto Rico knows how to prevent it, except in that game TFC looked good and aggressive. Tonight, nowhere near as aggressive as a few weeks ago, but just as anemic.
22 - Maybe I'm tired from the night I've had of
27 – YELLOW – O'Brien White gives an elbow to the side of the head of Jazic during a challenge in the air. It was the right call.
31 – GOAL – After a near penalty call that left Galindo shooting - forcing a little save from Frei, the ensuing corner bounces around the box a bit and leaves Sacha Kljestan a cute toe poke past a confused everybody.
33 – YELLOW – Robinson gets booked for a bit of a studs-up lake tackle and that will take his tally to enough for a one game suspension. It was the correct call again.
39 – Vitti shows some strength by fighting through a few defenders before getting hauled down. Good stuff.
43 – Robinson and Guevara totally botched a great toss from Serioux that landed in front of them both with no defenders near them in the box only to have a late Chivas defender pick up the loose ball. Embarrassing, really.
45 – Kljesten takes the ball for a few yards and lays the ball off for Gallindo, only for him to fire into the side netting. Solid counter that should've resulted in more.
Half-time mood :
46 – SUB – White out, The Chad in
46 – Serioux dodged a bullet, a yellow and ultimately a one-game suspension after clipping Gallindo's heels.
50 – GOAL – Debutante Santos laces a perfect little ball that undid two defenders, Kljesten finishes with a nice low ball in the far left corner. Very pretty goal.
51 – SUB – Gerba in, Guevara out
54 – After another lost opportunity from a corner, commentator and legend Craig Forrest takes a shot at TFC. He may be the only commentator to dare to do so.
59 – YELLOW – Serioux gets a booking for likely an accumulation of bad challenges, will be suspended for the Seattle match next week.
Quote of the match65 – In what seems like a “haven't seen that in a while” scenario, Gerba haves a go, just wide of the net.
Why are all those Swiss guys on the field?~ my mom reacting to the first aid in their bibs on the pitch
71 – Barrett corner results in Serioux's failing on a beautiful opportunity with a wide open net, only to have the ball skip away.
77 – Chivas corner and Nagamura's first touch nearly rolls into the opposite post
78 – DeRo run and cross finds Wynne with an awkward stop, turns and fires just over the bar. Shortly thereafter, DeRo rockets another ball just over the bar.
78 – SUB – Cronin out, Sanyang in. Sanyang's first touch flies just about out of the ground.
82 – Barrett barrels down the left wing and puts a nice cross through the face of goal and a few heads miss the opportunity to put one in.
87 – Nagamura jinked past Serioux and forces a great save from Frei.
90 – Gerba has a bullet just miss the right post from about 40 yards out.
2 minutes of added time
90+1 – DeRo has a run down the left side and runs out of real estate. And runs out of time.
FULL TIME : Chivas 2 : Toronto 0
Man of the Match : Though nobody truly stood out to deserve it outright, I'll give it to Cronin since he was playing both ends of the pitch and had a few good balls in and stopped a legit chance to make the score line less flattering than it was.
Goat : none. Again.
Ref meter : 5 out of 5. Didn't blow any calls. Let them play when he could. Serioux got ample warnings before booking. Good officiating.
TFC wasn't BAD, just anemic.
An hour and some change and we've got the first real opportunity from the Reds. That final third of the pitch seems to be a black hole of lost opportunities and I believe that it isn't because Chivas was playing exceptionally well. Toronto played somewhere between mediocre and well. Build-up was regular and reliable, but either the final delivery or lack of finish was Toronto's demise on this night. With the amount of possession TFC gets in a game, 2 goals a night shouldn't be this difficult.
Now on to Seattle. This might not be good...
Toronto FC blows Goats
TFC's first ever match was against Chivas USA (aka Los Goats) in the very same Home Depot Center as tonight back in 2007. Nearly three years later and the team looks as lost on the road as they did that night. There isn't really one positive to take from a truly dreadful performance from the Reds which saw them whimper to a 2-0 loss thanks to two goals from Main Goat Sacha Kljestan. The enigma continues with this club who look mostly solid at home and wholly amateur on the road. The performances of Amado Guevara really encapsulates the effort of TFC in general this season: world-beater one day, invisible the next.
It was evident tonight that manager Chris Cummins was in over his head. The interim boss made a number of tactical errors tonight starting with his 4-5-1 formation that put rookie O'Brian White up front alone based on his debut goal last week. White and the other kids on the squad do what young players do - play inconsistently. The former Luton youth coach should know this. The rookies were overwhelmed, but what was the half-time solution? Bring in Chad Barrett. I hate to beat a scoreless horse, but what in the world does Barrett show to justify his continued appearances? He didn't even touch the ball for 22 minutes! Oh... a four-year bargain basement contract - thanks for clearing that up Mo. While on the topic of strikers, what has happened to Ali Gerba? The big man has gotten.. um... bigger, and while on the "Collin Samuel Diet for Strikers", he has also lost his scoring touch. If the rumours of him having a wonky knee are true I'm blaming the BMO turf because it's late and I'm cranky. So there.
It was insult to injury as both Carl Robinson and Adrian Serioux are now suspended for the next match against Seattle after picking up careless yellow cards tonight which makes "The Road Worriers" job that much harder. In the end though, is it the road form that is the problem or is it more to the fact that while we reach to the bench and pick Wayne Rooney's non-unionized stunt double as a sub, Chivas can bring in an Eduardo Lillingston who is their leading scorer with 7 goals? Forget the bad flyers, pass me the Gravol after this nauseating performance.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Match Preview: Goats vs. Kids

Home Depot Center - Saturday 10:30PM EST
TV: Rogers Sportsnet -- Radio: The Fan 590
Is there a more pseudo-ethnically diverse game on the MLS calendar than Chivas USA vs. Toronto? Unless the league expands to Mexico or to another foreign country, like Quebec, then this is as strange as it gets. The quasi-Mexican team which has a few Mexicans on it, against the more-than-quasi-Canadian team with a few Canadians on it. Hard to get riled up for these matches although the "Mexi-Can Derby" has a neat ring to it. Both clubs are currently floating around mid-table and neither can drop too many points if the playoffs are going to stay realistic so that may be a recipe for a tight match. It should be road greys for TFC as the Goats' two kit options are red with white stripes or alternately white with red stripes. Ariba Eh!
CHIVAS USA -- 9-3-7 30 pts - 5th in WEST (7th OVERALL)
The Goats have been through a bad spell through the middle part of the season that has seen them fall to 5th in the West after a decent start. The club actually got its first win in two months, beating New York 2-0 in their last fixture. Manager and former MLS standout Preki has had an injury nightmare this year and may still be without core Goats Ante Razov, Claudio Suarez and Sasha Victorine. There is always hope for Club Deportivo Chivas USA (their Christian full name) when Sacha Klejstan is in the line-up. If MLS was a high school, he'd be voted "Most Likely To Go To Europe". Reinforcements have also been brought in the form of "The Jesus" Jesus Padilla. Padilla is on loan from Original Flavour Chivas - The Guadalajara version - and is said to be a talented young forward. Chivas haven't ever dropped a point at home to TFC, including Toronto's first ever professional match back in 2007.
TORONTO FC -- 8-6-7 30 pts - 3rd in EAST (8th OVERALL)
The biggest question for Manager Chris Cummins will be whether or not to stay with the youth movement that inspired the Reds to a 2-0 victory over D.C. United last Saturday. The kids did look good but young players do sometimes lack the consistency needed, especially when trying to grab points on the road. The Gambians looked surprisingly confident and Nana Attakora is more impressive by the week. Attakora reminds us of a young Ledley King but has also been prone to King-like injuries. If he can stay healthy and gain some bulk, a Canada call-up must be in the cards. Jim Brennan, with his Cowboy Bob Orton cast, is suspended due to an amalgamation of yellow cards, which may open the door for a Lesly Fellinga sighting on the left side. Marvell Wynne and Nick Garcia are due back in the line-up, which may see Adrian Serioux and Attakora rotate on the wing. It will be interesting to see if O'Brian White's first-ever goal will be enough to garner another start and if so, what effect that has on Ali Gerba's integration into the Toronto line-up. Unlike Chivas, TFC does not have a Jesus to add to the roster. Victor Moses, Juan Pablo Angel, Solomon Kalou and other Bible-themed footballers are also unavailable.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
No Harmse, No Foul.
