AFTER 90: Up All Night To Get Crappy

Which one of you is Diego Forlan?

CHIVAS USA VS. TORONTO

THE STUBHUB CENTER

FIRST HALF:

KICK OFF - To poorly paraphrase French robots (feat. Pharrell): "We're up all night 'til 'bout 1; We're up all night to watch some; We're up all night for no fun; We're up all night to watch Chivas"... Disappointing albums/football predictions aside we're all set at that most hallowed of all ticket-tout-monikered football grounds.. The StubHub Center...

1' - Palpable excitement as nearly a full minivan worth of supporters are in attendance at "The Stub".

5' - Steven Caldwell must be pumped to wear the Toronto FC captain's armband. Nothing bad ever happens to TFC captains.

10' - Honestly guys, I'm really trying to think of things to write here.

11' - Wizzle Wazzle?

18' - Darel Russell gets the "L" tackled out of him by some guy named Bocanegra

25' - Like a son receiving a slap from Papa Mariner, ex-Red Eric Avila sees red for a hard tackle on "Tha Roy G." Russell. A very weak call but TFC now with a 70 minute advantage to drive us nuts with.

30' - The Goats looking dangerous since going down a man. Of course.

32' - Jeremy Brockie misses a sitter. Will still miss his energy when he buggers off back to the Wellington Boots or whatever they are. Phoenix Wellingtons?

42'- I may have nodded off there...

44' - YELLOW CARD: Gale Agbossoumonde for too many letters

45' - Halftime and a chance for Ryan Nelsen to serve up some warm New Zealand sheep's milk and let the team watch the last 10 minutes of "Marley & Me"

 

HALFTIME: CHIVAS USA 0 - TORONTO 0

 

SECOND HALF:

45' - Question... how can TFC be more underwhelming in the 2nd Half? Answer: SUB: Justin Braun in for Robert Earnshaw

52' - A reminder to fans... TFC has had a man advantage for nearly a half hour.

55' - YELLOW CARD: Justin Braun for being awesome.

59' - Only a big save by Joe "Big Pickle" Bendik stops 10 MAN Chivas from going up 1-0.

64' - Darel Russell the biggest offensive threat at the moment. That's about all you need to know about TFC's evening.

68' - SUB: Somewhat ironically after the above it's Kyle Bekker in for Darel Russell.

77' - Jonathan Osorio - the only thing worth paying to see on TFC at the moment.

79' - GOAL: Erick Torres eats Agbossoumonde alive and sees his shot deflect off of Steven Caldwell and bounce by Bendik. Hilariously bad.

CHIVAS USA 1 - TORONTO 0

85' - 11 Diego Forlans couldn't help this mess of a team.

90' - I wish a Ukrainian blog would buy me too.

90'+ - Just wow.

FULL TIME: CHIVAS USA 1 - TORONTO 0

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 5.5  / Richard Eckersley 5.5 / Gale Agbossoumonde 4.5 / Steven Caldwell 5 / Ashtone Morgan 4 / Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Matias Laba 5.5 / Darel Russell 6 (Kyle Bekker 5 ) / Bobby Convey 4.5 / Jeremy Brockie 5 / Robert Earnshaw 5 (Justin Braun 4.5)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jeez. Jonathan Osorio? Sure.

THE BATH:

We have all sat through some truly awful football since 2007 - this one is truly a contender for rock bottom. 70 minutes of man advantage football against a team that is apparently the joke of the Western Conference and Toronto FC could barely manage to be bothered. A rudderless defence, an offence bereft of any ideas going forward and a seemingly obvious lack of character and spirit.

 

Yes we all know they are short-handed at the moment - supposedly aiming the magical allocation cannon at 5 to 30 new players who are arriving "imminently" but that was simply not good enough. No excuses, that was nothing short of a slap in the face to the fans/masochists that they have magically managed to hold on to for seven years.

 

Tomorrow we will hear platitudes of the wondrous fixes that are on their way but make no mistake - this team isn't one or two players away from anything. They need a massive transplant and it should start with a heart. Sadly, against all science, TFC has found a way to get worse.

 

 

And since we were up all night to get angry... here is the dance equivalent of TFC's performance tonight...