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Sunday, April 15, 2012

THE TABLE FIVE REPORT : Toronto v. Chivas... or Can you do a match report of a match you didn't see?

This will be the weakest report ever written.  With our principle author slumming it up in England watching some non-league footie, no doubt, and yours truly had to give up his tickets for a wedding (congratulations Rob and Shannon), it was necessary for some kind of report since the others weren't really up to it.

My prediction was a 1-1 draw with the belief that we must learn to walk before we can learn to run.

With my forensic research abilities, this is what I've been able to piece together.

6' - WEDDING - Seated at Table 5 with a bunch of people I don't really know.  Time to check the score on the phone.  No goals yet.

20'- Kocic makes a great stop a Ryan Smith rocket after it takes a deflection off of Aceval.

31' - GOAL - Minda takes the ball from a Bolaños corner and heads it down to the pitch bouncing up into the top left corner. 

Robins 0, Los Whiskeys 1

32' - WEDDING - Phone says the Robins are down by one.  Heading to the bar, coming back double fisted with rum and cokes.

34' - WEDDING - Nice!  Alcohol isn't watered down.  Feel bad about giving the bride and groom a stack of 15% off Bed Bath and Beyond coupons since I doubt we'll ever use the 25% off ones...

37' - WEDDING - Here comes the wedding party being introduced to the hall.  The MC is left to be desired but what do I know, I'm a smart-ass.  Everyone should be coming into this if you're going to strut like that. #mandatory

44' - Zemanski has a go from 20 yds out and Kocic does his best superman impression to save it.

Half Time Mood : Girlfriend is pissed.  "Why do you keep looking at the phone when we can talk about our wedding?" That's why I keep looking at the phone.

47' - Johnson has his shot blocked at the end of a maurading run down the right side of the pitch.

56' - SUB - Aceval makes way for Doniel Henry.

66' - YELLOW - Lambe gets booked for something.

69' - WEDDING - This clam and potato dish is rather tasty.  There's certainly some cheese mixed into the crust and it's served on a clam shell-shaped plate.  So cute.

70' - Plata turns his defender around and puts a cross into the box and Koeverman's blind touch can't beat Kennedy.

71' - SUB - Silva comes off for Avila.

79' - Avila floats a brilliant ball across pitch to Johnson who beats Kennedy but it cleared off the line by Kennedy.

81' - WEDDING - I always understood a speech is something that you prepare and don't just make up on the spot.  Turns out everyone involved with making a speech are familiar with this definition.  Seriously, if you're going to go off the top of the head, "Ummm..." should not come up more than once per sentence.

84' - Johnson is the unluckies bugger ever, a great cross and Johnson heads it back across the face of goal but just wide of the post.

89' - Counterattack long ball finds Plata who lays a perfect ball to Koevermans and his shot is stopped by Kennedy.  The frustration is visible.

90+2' - WEDDING - Got up to sing a song for the bride and groom to they could kiss. Sang the Danny Dichio song.  Groom asks my "why that song?" and I responded "well, you chose to keep the wedding date after the schedule was released... so there's some payback"

Full Time : Toronto 0, Chivas 1

Man of the Match : Consensus was that Johnson was worthy of the honours.  From what I saw, honorable mentions need to go to both Kocic and to Kennedy.

Goat of the Game : Consensus was "everyone else was bad".

From Dom, "the game, awful dude, just awful". RohanKoomar postulates about the match "I don't think our midfield is good enough.  We have good individual players but don't seem to click". 

I'd like to give props to Toronto FC's "Game In Six Minutes" for letting me experience the pain and discomfort in 1/15th of the time.

I'd like to apologize for this attempt and I did what I can.  Not much insight, to be sure, but regular service will resume this weekend vs. Chicago.  Promise.


  1. Funny stuff...the wedding write up, that is.

    Cann looks good, Henry as his partner may develop into a good, steady tandem. Aceval has been disappointing: looks clumsy, lacks pace, some questionable positioning. Looks like he was scouted via YouTube.

    Frings' returning allows the limited Dunfield to joined the overrated de Guzman on the bench. Avila looked lively and much better than Silva. Koeverman's couldn't buy a goal, and neither could Johnson. A less discussed point is that Plata should be used now as a late game sub: just got manhandled to easily and would due better with more space in which to run at opponents 1 v 1.

    1. Good, I'm glad my attempt at a report wasn't all for naught.

      Glad to hear that Cann may be the first step to a true leader at CB and I want to believe that he is. Maybe I'm desperate for good news in the back four...

  2. Table 5 report was great! You probably had more fun than we did for the most part.

    Everything else that Commenter #1 said I completely agree with.

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