West may be best for baby (saw it on Wikipedia) but the East is where it's at yo! That's right, hot off the heels of our highly factual and influential MLS Western Conference preview (see below) we shift focus to the continent's eastern seaboard... also Kansas and Houston. Whatevs - we're inclusive.
Everyone on this continent knows east is the beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We've got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we throw in Quebec. What son!? Eastern Conference... mic drop.
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas / Principal Ed Rooney
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Firenoord
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Joel Lindpere
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, Bloods, wastoids, dweebies; Abe Froman - Sausage King of Chicago
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 4th in East / Sticking a lump of coal up our ass, turning it into a diamond
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha / The construction worker on the left
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Crewventus
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Federico Higuain
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: White dudes; People who Google "Did Columbus have the croup?"; A patronizing Gonzalo Higuain
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 6th in East / Having their Crew Cat spayed or neutered
D.C. UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen / Someone from Virginia... possibly Maryland
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Washington Wanderers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Dwayne De Rosario... yup.
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The House; The Senate; Moving companies
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 2nd in East / Checking out Craigslist for any stadium vacancies
HOUSTON DYNAMO - BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear / A container of TANG
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Dynamo Hockba
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Oscar Boniek Garcia
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Garfield; TV's Snooki; Orange Julius franchisees
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 5th in East / Trying not to be squeezed for juice
MONTREAL IMPACT - Stade Saputo
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Marco Schallibaum / Former Italy manager "________"
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: AC Formaggio
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Marco Di Vaio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 7th in East / Making Toronto look bad
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps / Paul Mariner
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Boston Celtic FC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Sainey Nyassi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Tea Party members; Musket enthusiasts; Guys who sound a lot like Peter Griffin
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 9th in East / Making MLSE look like caring owners
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Mike Petke / Felix Baumgartner
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Monster Energy New Jersey
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Jamison Olave
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: X-Treme Nu Jerzey rezidentz; Caffeinated matadors; People from Queens just biding their time
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 3rd in East / Reminding Manhattan that they exist
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: John Hackworth / A couple of guys gettin' up to no good
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Carlton Athletic
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Sebastien Le Toux (of Bel-Air)
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Jazzy Jeffs, Fresh princes; Uncle Phils
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 8th in East / Moving with their Auntie and Uncle in Chester
SPORTING KANSAS CITY - Sporting Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes / Not Lance Armstrong
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: B(BQ)enfica
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Graham Zusi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Bunburys of all nations; Ex-sorcerers; Not Lance Armstrong
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 1st in East / Not mentioning Lance Armstrong
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Ryan Nelsen / Check back in 9 months
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: WTFC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Ryan Nelsen and a 10-year time machine
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Light shiners; Red threaders; Five year planners
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 10th in East / Feeling real positive about the 20-- Season
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