Know your 2013 Western Conference



Cup your bits in your hands North America - you're about to be First Kicked. The most majorest of this continent's major league soccer leagues not in Mexico - Major League Soccer - is back for 2013! That's right, Commissioner Don Garber has been busy buffing balls as another season is set to begin and we have the only previews you need*!
(*you will need other previews)
　
Since our romantic letter on Hello Kitty stationary to Mr. Garber, begging for a single table, once again fell on deaf ears, we will start our preview with the mighty Western Conference. Home to the MLS Cup Winners, the hipsters and sasquatches of Cascadia, the raucous Mormon Ultras of Salt Lake... and also Colorado Rapids... the West is a tough division. So join us... Go West! Life is peaceful there... Go West! They have quality Tex-Mex...
　
CHIVAS USA - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jose Luis Sanchez Sola / Bumblebee Man
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Club UnAmerica
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Juan Agudelo
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The Dos Equis Man; Luchdores; No fans of PUMAS, Santos Laguna, Club America or any other Mexican team that isn't Chivas Guadalajara
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 9th in West / Relegated to the Mexican 3rd Division
　
COLORADO RAPIDS - Dick's Sporting Goods Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Oscar Pareja / A Wal-Mart greeter
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Colo Colo Colorado
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Edson Buddle
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: RapidsMan; American Arsenal supporters; Not Stan Kroenke
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 7th in West / Pissing off the few real fans they have left
　
FC DALLAS - FC Dallas Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Schellas Hyndman / A very confused Harry Redknapp
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Queen's Park Texas Rangers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: George John
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lost high school football fans; Fireworks aficionados; People looking for a nice quiet place to sit and read a book for a couple of hours
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 6th in West / Buying out the rest of Toronto's Designated Players
　
LA GALAXY - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Bruce Arena / Miserable looking Hollywood cartoon dog Droopy
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Galaxtasaray
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Omar Gonzalez
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: "Real Housewives"; The remaining cast of "Joey"; Screaming girls who have yet to realize that David Beckham plays for PSG now
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 4th in West (MLS Cup Winners) / Being linked with every member of FIFA's Best XI 2002
　
PORTLAND TIMBERS - Jeld-Wen Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Caleb Porter / Some guy who liked soccer before it was cool
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Hipsternian
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Will Johnson
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Hipsters; Lumberjacks; Hipsters dressed as lumberjacks
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 8th in West / Accepting donations for Timber Joey's chainsaw-severed thumb replacement... ironically
　
REAL SALT LAKE - Rio Tinto Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jason Kreis / ( ________ ) Osmond
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Deportivo de la Utah
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Alvaro Saborio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The Mormon Royal Family; Stocktons; Malones
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 2nd in West / Still getting over the whole Mitt Romney failure
　
SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES - Buck Shaw Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Frank Yallop / Dale Mitchell
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Bayarea Leverquaken
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chris Wondolowski
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The sexy ghost of George Best; The not-so sexy ghost of Buck Shaw / The Holy Ghost of St. Joseph
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 1st in West / Cursing the MLS Playoffs
　
SEATTLE SOUNDERS - CenturyLink Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Sigi Schmidt / Bigfoot in a tight scarf
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: VfB Starbuck
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Mauro Rosales
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The over-caffeinated; That other dude from Nirvana; Harry... but not The Hendersons
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 3rd in West / Testing the boundaries of neon fashions
　
VANCOUVER WHITECAPS - BC Place
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Martin Rennie / Stan Smyl's moustache
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Crystal Meth Palace FC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Assistant Coach Carl Robinson
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: 50% of Cheech & Chong; The British; Colombians who can't spell
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 5th in West / Still going on about SoccerBowl '79

Coming Soon: Know your 2013 Eastern Conference...