MLS LOGO WEEK - Getting to know your Eastern Conference

Hot on the heels of yesterday's truly* (*not true whatsoever) revolutionary, ground-breaking introduction to MLS #LogoWeek here at The Yorkies, we conclude the parade here today.

After hauling our pioneer wagon of logos and high-end football analysis through the West we turn eastward ho! No you're not a ho - it's a declaration of direction. God, you lot are so PC! This time it's the Eastern Conference's turn - home to thriving, bustling cities, the beauty of the Atlantic seaboard, the mighty Great Lakes... and Montreal is there too. Enjoy it you whores. As in "Go East Whore!" (It's a geography term, trust us.)

CHICAGO FIRE
AKA: The Yallopian Tubes
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "Without them there is no Copa Del Grandos Lagos. Plus we can both agree Lake Erie sucks."

COLUMBUS CREW
AKA: The Crewp
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "Thanks for giving MLS' dirtiest mascot, Crew Cat, a nice warm home"

Know your 2013 Eastern Conference

West may be best for baby (saw it on Wikipedia) but the East is where it's at yo! That's right, hot off the heels of our highly factual and influential MLS Western Conference preview (see below) we shift focus to the continent's eastern seaboard... also Kansas and Houston. Whatevs - we're inclusive.

Everyone on this continent knows east is the beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We've got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we throw in Quebec. What son!? Eastern Conference... mic drop.
　
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas / Principal Ed Rooney
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Firenoord
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Joel Lindpere
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, Bloods, wastoids, dweebies; Abe Froman - Sausage King of Chicago
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 4th in East / Sticking a lump of coal up our ass, turning it into a diamond
　
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha / The construction worker on the left
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Crewventus
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Federico Higuain
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: White dudes; People who Google "Did Columbus have the croup?"; A patronizing Gonzalo Higuain
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 6th in East / Having their Crew Cat spayed or neutered
　
D.C. UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen / Someone from Virginia... possibly Maryland
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Washington Wanderers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Dwayne De Rosario... yup.
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The House; The Senate; Moving companies
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 2nd in East / Checking out Craigslist for any stadium vacancies
　
HOUSTON DYNAMO - BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear / A container of TANG
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Dynamo Hockba
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Oscar Boniek Garcia
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Garfield; TV's Snooki; Orange Julius franchisees
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 5th in East / Trying not to be squeezed for juice
　
MONTREAL IMPACT - Stade Saputo
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Marco Schallibaum / Former Italy manager "________"
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: AC Formaggio
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Marco Di Vaio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 7th in East / Making Toronto look bad
　
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps / Paul Mariner
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Boston Celtic FC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Sainey Nyassi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Tea Party members; Musket enthusiasts; Guys who sound a lot like Peter Griffin
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 9th in East / Making MLSE look like caring owners
　
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Mike Petke / Felix Baumgartner
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Monster Energy New Jersey
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Jamison Olave
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: X-Treme Nu Jerzey rezidentz; Caffeinated matadors; People from Queens just biding their time
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 3rd in East / Reminding Manhattan that they exist
　
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: John Hackworth / A couple of guys gettin' up to no good
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: Carlton Athletic
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Sebastien Le Toux (of Bel-Air)
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Jazzy Jeffs, Fresh princes; Uncle Phils
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 8th in East / Moving with their Auntie and Uncle in Chester
　
SPORTING KANSAS CITY - Sporting Park
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes / Not Lance Armstrong
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: B(BQ)enfica
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Graham Zusi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Bunburys of all nations; Ex-sorcerers; Not Lance Armstrong
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 1st in East / Not mentioning Lance Armstrong
　
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/NEXT MANAGER: Ryan Nelsen / Check back in 9 months
INTERNATIONAL RE-BRAND: WTFC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Ryan Nelsen and a 10-year time machine
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Light shiners; Red threaders; Five year planners
2012 FINISH/2013 FINISH: 10th in East / Feeling real positive about the 20-- Season

Know your 2012 MLS Eastern Conference

West may be best for baby (we think that's science) but the East is where it's at yo! That's right, hot off the heels of our highly factual and influential MLS Western Conference preview (see below) we shift focus to the continent's eastern seaboard... as well as Kansas and Houston.

　
Everyone on this continent knows east is a beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We've got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we've thrown in The French this year. What!? Eastern Conference... old-skool.
　
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas/ Bueller... Bueller
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Fire/ The Toyota 3-Point Pick-Up
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Quaker Oats/ Quaker Bratwurst
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Dominic Oduro
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Cameron Frye; Sloane Peterson; Abe Froman - "Sausage King of Chicago"
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contender/ Helping fill the league's smoked meat quota
　
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha/ Crew Cat
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Crew/ The Croup
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Barbasol/ 3 Men on a Logo Contractors Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chad Marshall
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Xenophobes; Students who Googled them accidentally for a history project; Construction workers into threesomes
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs/ Searching for the rest of their away kit
　
D.C. UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen/ Someone who "gives De Ro the respect he deserves"
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Black & Red/ Washington Wanderers
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: VW / U-Haul
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Hamdi Salihi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Imaginary cheque signers; Ancient stadia enthusiasts; Fans from other cities waiting for re-location
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Looking for a stadium in D.C., Virginia, Maryland, Orlando
　
HOUSTON DYNAMO - BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear/ An unemployed astronaut
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Orange Crush/ La Fanta
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Greenstar Recycling/ Tang
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Andre Hainault
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Redundant NASA employees; Oscar De La Hoya's right fist; Spray-Tan enthusiasts
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Being more orange than Snooki and Garfield combined
　
MONTREAL IMPACT - The Big "O"/ Stade Saputo
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jesse Marsch/ Youppi
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: L'Impact/ Le Fromage
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ TD Bank
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Zarek Valentin
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Being rumoured with an aging Italian superstar DP until they sell all their season tickets
　
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps/ Kraft Group's VP of Apathy
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Revs/ Devolution
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: United Health Care/ United Life Support
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Benny Feilhaber
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Wahlbergs; People who thought it was a big pub; Musketeers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Looking at Paul Mariner longingly
　
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Hans Backe/ Every single available washed up, big-name European manager available
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Red Bulls/ New York Costmost
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Red Bull/ A "new" NY Cosmos ad
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Teemu Tainio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Caffeine enthusiasts; Austrian-Americans; No one in Manhattan
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contender/ Arsenal's parent club
　
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Piotr Nowak/ A couple of guys gettin' up to no good
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Zolos/ Carlton Athletic
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Bimbo/ Will Smith's kids
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Danny Califf
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Uncle Phils; Scared moms; Jazzy Jeffs
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Making trouble in their neighbourhood
　
SPORTING KC - Livestrong Sporting Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes/ Someone Portuguese
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sporting/ KFC
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ Teal Bunbury's Immigration Services Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: C.J. Sapong
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Rehabilitated sorcerers; Ex-conjurers; Men behind curtains
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contenders/ Erasing all references to the word "Wizard"
　
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Aron Winter/ Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Reds/ The Robins
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ Half Bell - Half Rogers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Aron Winter and a 20-year time machine
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Eternal optimists; Addicted pessimists; Butty lovers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Taking fans to the edge of glory... bringing them down to Earth with a thud... repeat

Know your 2011 MLS Eastern Conference

East coast flava! Oh, and Houston

Wow, you are an impatient lot! Wasn’t the Western Conference (posted below) good enough for you? Yeah, guess not. I mean - what’s with that half of North America anyways? Ocean, mountain, deserts, prairie heartlands. Jeez - pick a geology and stick with it. Show-offs.
　
Anyhoo, as promised to our loyal Yorkiemaniacs, here is the second half of the “Know Your MLS 2011” preview - The Eastern Conference! That’s right west - you’re trippin’ on E now! We gots us an Atlantic seaboard, we get wacky with the snow, silly accents up the wazoo and just to mess you up we’re throwing in some French people next year! What, what! East coast! Biggie would be so proud… if he liked football.
　
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Carlos de los Cabos / Los Lobos
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: La Maquina Roja / Chicago Long Sox
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None / Pizzeria Uno Deep Dish
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Marco Pappa
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Scottie Pippen, The One-Man Gang, Random Belushi
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs / Calling Cuauhtémoc Blanco... leaving message
　
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha / Crew Cat
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Crew / The Yellow Flubmarine
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None / French's Mustard
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Andy Iro
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Right Said Fred fans, Canary enthusiasts, Xenophobes
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs / Still a thorn in our side
　
DC UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen / Barack Obama
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Black and Red / The Beetles
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Volkswagen / Lada
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Charlie Davies
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Democrats, Huge stadium enthusiasts, Hristo Stoichkov
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contender / Still looking for a new stadium within 800 miles
　
HOUSTON DYNAMO - Robertson Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear/ Oscar de la Hoya
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Orange Crush / La Fanta
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Greenstar Recycling / Those orange Glad Garbage Bags
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Brian Ching
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Astronauts, Warren moon, People “having a problem”
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contender / Being seen for miles
　
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Steve Nicol / Paul Mariner
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Revs / The Boston Ruins
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None / Umm… Gillette?
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Shalrie Joseph
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The Irish, Various Wahlbergs, the sisters in “The Fighter”
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contender / Being called “wicked awesome”
　
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Hans Backe / Eric Cantona
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Red Bulls / Energie Jersey
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Red Bull / Tab Cola
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Rafael Marquez
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Jersey Shore’s cast, American Arsenal supporters, Non-Cosmos fans
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contender / Half-filling league’s best stadium
　
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Piotr Nowak / Rocky’s Uncle Paulie
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Zolos / Onions
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Bimbo / Why mess with that?
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Faryd Mondragon
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The robot from Rocky IV, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs / Trying to be the Millwall of MLS
　
SPORTING KANSAS CITY - Livestrong Sporting Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes / Preki-Mo
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sporting / Kansaslautern
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None / KFC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Omar Bravo
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Amateur wizards, Tornado chasers, Little dogs too
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs / Telling people they’re Portuguese
　
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Aron Winter / Mr. Klinsmann... line 1 NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Reds / Der Oranje
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO / Rogers (See Vancouver Whitecaps below)
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Bitchy The Hawk
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Gluttons for punishment, Extreme weather survivalists, Butty connoisseurs
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league / Heading for Year 6 of 5 Year Plan