Know your 2012 MLS Eastern Conference

West may be best for baby (we think that's science) but the East is where it's at yo! That's right, hot off the heels of our highly factual and influential MLS Western Conference preview (see below) we shift focus to the continent's eastern seaboard... as well as Kansas and Houston.

　
Everyone on this continent knows east is a beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We've got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we've thrown in The French this year. What!? Eastern Conference... old-skool.
　
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas/ Bueller... Bueller
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Fire/ The Toyota 3-Point Pick-Up
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Quaker Oats/ Quaker Bratwurst
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Dominic Oduro
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Cameron Frye; Sloane Peterson; Abe Froman - "Sausage King of Chicago"
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contender/ Helping fill the league's smoked meat quota
　
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha/ Crew Cat
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Crew/ The Croup
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Barbasol/ 3 Men on a Logo Contractors Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chad Marshall
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Xenophobes; Students who Googled them accidentally for a history project; Construction workers into threesomes
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs/ Searching for the rest of their away kit
　
D.C. UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen/ Someone who "gives De Ro the respect he deserves"
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Black & Red/ Washington Wanderers
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: VW / U-Haul
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Hamdi Salihi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Imaginary cheque signers; Ancient stadia enthusiasts; Fans from other cities waiting for re-location
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Looking for a stadium in D.C., Virginia, Maryland, Orlando
　
HOUSTON DYNAMO - BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear/ An unemployed astronaut
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Orange Crush/ La Fanta
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Greenstar Recycling/ Tang
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Andre Hainault
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Redundant NASA employees; Oscar De La Hoya's right fist; Spray-Tan enthusiasts
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Being more orange than Snooki and Garfield combined
　
MONTREAL IMPACT - The Big "O"/ Stade Saputo
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jesse Marsch/ Youppi
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: L'Impact/ Le Fromage
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ TD Bank
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Zarek Valentin
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Being rumoured with an aging Italian superstar DP until they sell all their season tickets
　
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps/ Kraft Group's VP of Apathy
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Revs/ Devolution
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: United Health Care/ United Life Support
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Benny Feilhaber
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Wahlbergs; People who thought it was a big pub; Musketeers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Looking at Paul Mariner longingly
　
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Hans Backe/ Every single available washed up, big-name European manager available
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Red Bulls/ New York Costmost
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Red Bull/ A "new" NY Cosmos ad
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Teemu Tainio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Caffeine enthusiasts; Austrian-Americans; No one in Manhattan
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contender/ Arsenal's parent club
　
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Piotr Nowak/ A couple of guys gettin' up to no good
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Zolos/ Carlton Athletic
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Bimbo/ Will Smith's kids
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Danny Califf
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Uncle Phils; Scared moms; Jazzy Jeffs
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Making trouble in their neighbourhood
　
SPORTING KC - Livestrong Sporting Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes/ Someone Portuguese
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sporting/ KFC
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ Teal Bunbury's Immigration Services Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: C.J. Sapong
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Rehabilitated sorcerers; Ex-conjurers; Men behind curtains
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contenders/ Erasing all references to the word "Wizard"
　
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Aron Winter/ Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Reds/ The Robins
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ Half Bell - Half Rogers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Aron Winter and a 20-year time machine
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Eternal optimists; Addicted pessimists; Butty lovers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Taking fans to the edge of glory... bringing them down to Earth with a thud... repeat