THE STARTING 11: Subtitles for Toronto FC's 2012 highlight film

So empty... so erotic.

It's sad to think of a poor editor watching hours of tape chronicling TFC's disastrous 2012 season in order to splice together a pseudo-highlight reel. What to choose? Lingering shots of Terry Dunfield's sock tassels blowing in the summer breeze? Bitchy The Hawk giving her ladyplummage the once-over? Wiedeman? Sometimes it's all how you sell the video as seen in the zenith of subtitled movie names "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo". If viewers are so excited by the title: or subtitle - they'll watch any old crap! (Coming Soon: "TFC 7: Electric Boogaloo") So, for that editor sitting alone in his suite on this New Year's Eve we offer these subtitles to help make 2012: Seem Less Crappy

11. 2012: No Payne, No Gain

10. 2012: FreiFall

9. 2012: Winter to Mariner - Contrasts in Ineptitude

8. 2012: The Hangover VI - Hot Escobar Nightz

7. 2012: The Hunt for the # 1 Draft Pick

6. 2012: The Five Year Plan II: The Plannening

5. 2012: The Expendables VI

4. 2012: 50 Shades of Empty Grey Section Seats

3. 2012: The Hobbit - An Unexpected Loan to LDU Quito

2. 2012: A Slightly Less Fistful of Dollars

1. 2012: Lose Hard With A Vengeance

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF OUR READERS!
THE ONLY WAY IS UP... RIGHT?



We need to talk about Seven

Mariner (left) and Cochrane address the media



Today marked the annual day where the majority of MLS clubs prepare for the post-season while Toronto FC talks about the off-season. In front of the gathered local press, some TFC players (but not the team captain) and staff faced the media’s "sort-of-firing-line" to provide any insight possible into the failings of 2012 and the preparation for Season Seven in 2013.
　
Very little aside from the usual platitudes are expected from these events. The usual "works starts yesterdays"; "gotta be betters next years" and "I believes in this teams" are practically on a loop so it's the between-the-lines stuff that is usually more interesting. You can watch the highlights of the two-and-a-half hour extravaganzo on Toronto FC TV later if you like but if deciphering body language textually is your bag, here goes nearly literally nothing...
　
THE PLAYERS:
The only thing missing from this band of sad-eyed orphaned puppies was a Sarah McLachlan soundtrack. It was interesting to watch the split in support for the manager between those who got playing time and those that didn't but that's hardly shocking. Here's a little bit of what we saw...
　
TERRY DUNFIELD:
WHAT HE SAID: "Overall it's been a disappointing season"; "Aron Winter's brand wasn't working"; "100% belief in Mariner"
BODY LANGUAGE: "Pleeeeease stop asking me about fan protests"
　
ERIC AVILA:
WHAT HE SAID: "It's been a complicated year"
BODY LANGUAGE: "Where is the fine line between diplomacy and unemployment?"
　
RYAN JOHNSON:
WHAT HE SAID: "(Management) has their jobs cut out for them"; "I'm not sure..." (On whether Mariner is right for the job)
BODY LANGUAGE: "My body is here - my head is in Jamaica. Smell ya' later T.O."
　
MILOS KOCIC:
WHAT HE SAID: "We have to be smarter in attacking and defence"; "I don't care who my coach is..."; "Believe in yourself or don't play football"
BODY LANGUAGE: "I want to punch Paul Mariner in the shorts"
　
FREDDY HALL:
WHAT HE SAID: "We panic in the last ten minutes... it's mind boggling"
BODY LANGUAGE: "That's right Milos - talk your way out of town."
　
ADRIAN CANN:
WHAT HE SAID: "To answer your question, I don't know how to answer your question"
BODY LANGUAGE: "Where's the line to punch Mariner's shorts?"
　
ERIC HASSLI:
WHAT HE SAID: "I'm sorry..." (On not being able to play more)
BODY LANGUAGE: I may look like a murderer but I am simply a misunderstood Frenchman who loves his family, the art of Monet, a fresh pain au chocolat in the morning light and Paul Mariner"
　
RICHARD ECKERSLEY:
WHAT HE SAID: "Next year is very, very vital for this franchise"; "... fitness is an issue..."
BODY LANGUAGE: "Seriously guys, I used to be on loan at Bury. Even with 5 wins this place is heavenly"
　
REGGIE LAMBE:
WHAT HE SAID: "TFC is kind of Bermuda's outlet"
BODY LANGUAGE: "I sound nothing like my Twitter account"
　
LUIS SILVA & AARON MAUND:
WHAT THEY SAID: Random mumblings about being a rookie.
BODY LANGUAGE: "I just want to go home to my mom."
　
ANDREW WIEDEMAN:
WHAT HE SAID: "We're only a few pieces away from being competitive"
BODY LANGUAGE: "Check out my hip toque Brostein"
　
STEFAN FREI:
WHAT HE SAID: "... getting close to 100% (health)"; "Every year or half year it's a new start"
BODY LANGUAGE: "I'm kind of a big deal here"
　
DANNY KOEVERMANS:
WHAT HE SAID: "...no time line" (On his recovery); "You can't complain when you play for Toronto"; "I will train every day - except on weekends"
BODY LANGUAGE: "Football. Pancakes. Settlers of Cataaaaaaaaan. (Drool)"
　

MANAGEMENT:
After the players were finished looking like they survived root canals it was time for GM (we guess) Earl Cochrane and Manager Paul Mariner to hold court. A few truths and surprises were sprinkled among the expected blatherings and your opinion going forward probably depends whether you believe Mariner & Co. really haven't had time to shape this club after Aron Winter's departure – or - if you believe their fingers are equally deep in this mess pie.
　
To set the scene:
EARL’S BODY LANGUAGE: The good cop in this "Good Cop/Crazy Cop" scene
PAUL’S BODY LANGUAGE: Something akin to "Begbie" in Trainspotting (see pic above)
　
WHAT EARL SAID:
"... (we need) three or four pieces to step in (to the starting line-up) and depth guys"
"... (there is) a lot of flexibility in the salary cap"
"... (Overall # 1 Draft Pick) is a great asset..."
　
WHAT PAUL SAID:
"Don't expect pre-season to get you fit..."
"... (we) hope Frings will be 100% fit for pre-season"
"... (2013 will be) a lot different pre-season from last"
"I expect to be in charge of the team (in 2013)."
"I'm very good at what I do."
"Frings absolutely wants to be back next year."
"...don't have an answer to that yet." (On whether 3 DP's return)
"Seven." (On how many bona fide MLS starters currently on team)
"We've known for a while what we need... and where we're going to get them."
"Everything is on the table."

AFTER 90: It's all ( ___________'s ) fault

"It wasn't me..."



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

FIRST HALF:

1' - Good news for TFC fans.. according to a well known local columnist it has been Major League Soccer's fault all along! Phew. MLSE has really, really wanted to be a winner but mean, old Don Garber has stopped them! This explains seven managers, a turnstile of dozens of useless players, alienating a once rabid fan base and six years of 5-Year Plans. It was the league's fault! Thank goodness for those "sources" close to the situation for saving their own skins setting the record straight. Oh look... a match...

4' - Part owner of TFC, TSN delaying broadcast of TFC match for the CFL. 2 minutes of regulation pointy egg has taken 15 minutes. Don Garber loves him some Edmonton Eskimos.
10' - Finally live at a very damp Crew Stadium. Crew Cat must be soaked. The Dirty Crew Dancepack... make your own joke you filthmonger.
13' - Crew striker Federico Higuain goes close. He is the poor man's Gonzalo Higuain... which must make family dinner's awkward.
17' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higuain gets angry by what I wrote and turns Jeremy Hall inside out and inside again then slots past Freddy Hall. Too easy.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
18' - Jeremy Hall? The league's fault.
21' - Reggie Lambe briefly looking tricky in new role as forward. Sadly still surrounded by the other usual forwards.
28' - GOAL: Toronto - Andrew Wiedeman darts around flopping Crew defenders and buries the ball low and into the corner. IT'S THE MODERN ERA! Dogs and cats, living together... mass hysteria!
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1
35' - TFC showing more attacking prowess in the last 10 minutes than usual. Stick it to those New York City fat cats boys!
41' - Freddy Hall makes a big save off a Ben Speas strike. Reds' players leaving it until the last possible moment to "play for a job in 2013"
44' - This inclement weather in Columbus has MLS executives' finger prints all over it.

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF:
45' - Back to the Crew Stadium action amidst the dulcet tones of "Gangnam Style". That song will never. get. old.
53' - Andrew Wiedeman showing the Columbus Crew reserves why he is "Generation Adidas". Yes he will be "Generation KangaRoos" next year but why you gotta be so negative?
61' - PENALTY: as Terry Dunfield called for grab on Higuain in the box. He sold it like only an Argentine can but calmly scores a GOAL on the resulting PK
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1
62' - How dare the league find a player of Higuain's ability and hand him forcefully to "glamour market" Columbus without them scouting him first?!
67' - The mercurial season of Ryan Johnson ends with a limp...
69' - SUB: Ryan Johnson off for Doneil Henry
72' - Henry goes to RB rather than Eckersley slot back into his natural position. Apparently if you just keep jamming a square peg into a round hole it will eventually fit.
80' - These are officially the "garbage minutes" of a "garbage season"
85' - SUB: Logan Emory on for Eric Avila
86' - Pffffffffffffffffffft.
88' - Six years of league-enforced losing nearly over.
90'+ - What more fitting an end than TFC finishing the season with five defenders on the pitch and Adrian Cann as striker. Merry Christmas y'all.

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Freddy Hall 5 / Jeremy Hall 5 / Richard Eckersley 6 / Adrian Cann 6 / Ashtone Morgan 5 / Andrew Wiedeman 6 / Terry Dunfield 5 / Luis Silva 5.5 / Eric Avila 6 (Logan Emory N/A) / Reggie Lambe 6 / Ryan Johnson 5.5 (Doneil Henry N/A )

　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Father Time.

THE BATH:
In the hallowed words of 20th Century poets society "Tag Team"... "Whoomp! (There It Is)". 2012 that is. It's finally over and what better way to get the momentum rolling for 2013 than with a 14 game winless streak in the league? Blame whomever you like: MLSE, MLS, Aron Winter, Paul Mariner, short pants or Gozer The Gozerian. It all leads to the same end... a club on the last day of 2012 that has no better future than on the first day of 2007.

The post-match interviews will no doubt be electrifying in their clichés of "the work starts now for 2013" and the need "to evaluate and move forward" but the damage done to the souls of TFC fans (and no doubt some of the players) this year has been devastating. Never has there been a last day of the season where the majority of those who follow TFC are happy for the break and look ahead with trepidation instead of the usual hope for better. After six years of this, blaming anyone outside of this club is simply wrong.

THE MATCHUP: “SIXual Release”

"Yes we've got that feelin'..."

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
　
CREW STADIUM - SUNDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It wasn't supposed to end this way... but now we're just thankful it's ending. Toronto FC's agonizing 2012 comes to an end eight months after it began with such promise that we had branded it "SIXual Healing". However, that Dutch Viagra didn't really work very well and instead of dynamic virility we ended up as an old eccentric man running around in short pants yelling at the kids on our lawn. Now it's just time for a long nap.
　
Before our winter (the season not the man) sojourn, there is one last fixture and what better match to highlight the Reds' impotence than the opposite of "Old Firm" - the "New Soft" derby versus Columbus Crew? What could be more fitting than one last punch in the head from a club we used to so smarmingly mock? After the match, the tired clichés of "the work starts now for 2013" will be trotted out. Considering the first project was scuppered by a USL coach turning down big money and a "Major League" job title - it may be a long off-season. Alas, we leave Paul Mariner & Co. with the words of 20th Century poet and musician Rupert Paul III... "You. Better. Work."
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The New Soft"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
COLUMBUS: Eddie Gaven, Federico Higuain, Chad Marshall
TORONTO: Terry Dunfield, Ryan Johnson, Luis Silva
　
THE ODDS:
When we tried to brand 2012 in the pre-season as "SIXual Healing", no one knew how poorly it would all go. TFC now has to scramble for a new title to adorn their 2012 Highlights Video. Their choices are down to:
- "SIXual Dysfunction": 10-1
- "SIXually Frustrated": 5-1
- "SIXual Harassment": - 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
And now, for our lucky readers we present the full 2012 Toronto FC Highlight Video package. Sit back, relax and enjoy all of this season's exciting and successful moments set to a hot club beat! Ladies and gentlemen... "SIXual Dysfunction: TFC 2012"...

　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC LOCKER ROOM IN CRISIS – HEAD COACH JIM BRENNAN CLAIMS ‘NOTHING IS WRONG’…"
(Oh sorry, this is the post-match headline from October 28, 2013)

AFTER 90*: "The Year of Living Apathetically"

TORONTO VS. MONTREAL
　
* Upon returning from BMO Field today we decided that instead of our usual After 90 or South Stand Report, we will try to encapsulate a season in the stands in a single match report format. Enjoy... we sure didn't.
　
FIRST HALF:
1' - Dutch guy calling things "a pity a lot"
7' - It's cold here.
10' - There's less people here than before.
13' - It's snowing
18' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley
24' - The "Dichio Song" is still a thing
30' - Some former USL guy just shanked it
33' - This is actually boring.
38' - It's raining
40' - "__________" taken off injured
44' - Lucky to get out of the half
　
HALFTIME: TORONTO 0 - MONTREAL 0
　
SECOND HALF:
45' - Dutch guy out. Man with no trousers in.
50' - It's too damn hot here.
55' - Koevermans is fit and we're scoring!
56' - Koevermans out for the season. As you were.
65' - New players worse than old ones.
70' - Oh look a cat!
75' - It's raining again
80' - Supporters are fighting amongst themselves.
85' - We're not renewing.
88' - $200 bucks a seat? We're renewing!
90' - (This is the part where TFC gives up the goal but as it's the last day and they decided to be dicks and preserve a draw)
90'+ - See you next year neighbour.
　
FULL TIME: TORONTO 0 - MONTREAL 0
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Back-up goalkeepers 3 / Injured dudes 3 / MLS reserve league castaways 3 / Best whatevers in the modern era 3 / Miscellaneous 3
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: The supporters
　
THE BATH:
There will be time to look back on the season properly when it is done. Today is just a head nod to all those supporters who have been here since the early days and who spent more effort getting down to BMO Field this year than the club gave back to you. Kudos to every last one of you on making it through a dire season at "Our House".
　
Happy trails to those of you who may not come back - can't really argue with your lack of faith in management. To those who we will see next year... let's hope for a Christmas miracle and a better year on the pitch, less soap operas in the front office and in the stands and a "rollback" in atmosphere to 2007. And if not... at least we'll get what we paid for.

Balls of String: Stories to watch as Toronto FC plays out a lost season

"Today's attendance is 19,575... thank you fans"



Getting casual fans to watch TFC matches when times were good... well at least fun.... was a challenge. Now, as yet another season enters the "playing for next year" phase, even getting the most ardent supporters interested grows harder. For those of you who know they are addicted to this club and will be back next year despite 2012, finding a reason to watch a futile string of matches may be frustrating. So, if you need more reasons to watch a match aside from hearing Thomas Rongen's Dutch "donkey hitting his foot on a rock" analogy - here are some stories that you can keep your eye on...
　
FRINGS AIN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE
When we last heard, the club whispered under its breath that club captain Torsten Frings had suffered a hip injury and had headed back to Deutschland to visit some BundesDoctors. The wording seemed to hint that Frings may be shut down for the year and if that is the case - is it unreasonable to think that TFC may cut ties with the Bavarian talisman? Frings has definitely lost a step this season (possibly due to injury) but with only a year left on the pricey 35-year old, will the club look in a different direction? Also see: Danny Koevermans
NOW UPDATED WITH 50% MORE HORRIBLE TRUTH (HERE)
　
EL MILAGRO DE LA CONCACAF
Most sane Reds supporters would concede that TFC's 3-1 loss to Santos Laguna at BMO Field all but ends the club's quest to progress in Champions League. While all signs point to "no way Jose", could TFC pull out a miraculous double of victories in Mexico and El Salvador AND get help to steal their CCL Group?
　
4-4-?
While not exactly blessed with a plethora of football knowledge in his starting eleven, Paul Mariner's tactics as manager have been described (sometimes fairly, sometimes not) as "dump and chase" or "hoof ball". Decried as a relic of 1960's English football, the style has even drawn mocking from opponents and without the scoring prowess of Danny Koevermans has not been effective. Will Mariner try to massage a little more "football" into his soccer in an attempt to separate the wheat from the chaff in his squad?
　
THAT ONE'S A KEEPER
It seems pretty evident that a TFC keeper is being frozen. No, not by an opponent from the penalty spot but by the coaching staff. After Stefan Frei went down with a major injury, Milos Kocic became the defacto # 1 but recently he has been replaced by very raw Bermudian Freddy Hall. Is Kocic's benching a sign that his TFC days are numbered and is Frei headed back to his place as The Reds' main man in goal for 2013?
　
END OF THE ROAD?
We may only see them if garbage minutes allow but it would seem as if 2012 may mark the end for a few old faces. Adrian Cann and Ty Harden have been phantoms (even when not injured) and do not seem to fit into Mariner's plans while other names such as Eric Avila have been surprising in their omissions. More than a few Reds may be down to their last few weeks with the club.
　
PETER OUT OR "PAUL" UP?
The on-field performance lately has been far from inspiring. Lack of talent is one thing but coming out flat is just downright infuriating for fans to watch. With little to play for except clichés, will we see a scrappy TFC inspired by their manager - or, will heads and effort levels drop in unison as other teams prepare for the playoffs?
　
CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE?
Will the blend of injuries and general lack of talent on the club allow Paul Mariner to "audition" the younger members of the team for 2013? While a few veterans will be necessary to give the appearance of "trying" to win, the remaining fixtures may be an opportunity to see what youngsters can really cut it at the MLS level. While the likes of Ashtone Morgan and Luis Silva have solidified a future, names like Aaron Maund, Quincy Amarikwa, Matt Stinson and Logan Emory still need to show they have the consistency to demand a salary next year.
　
BIT OF A HASSLI
The imposing Frenchman avec le tattoos du neck was brought over to TFC as something of a panic buy after Danny Koevermans went down for the season and beyond. As far as panic buys go, he's a fairly good one - despite likely being able to snatch him for free at the end of 2012 if the injury hadn't forced Mariner's hand. However, Hassli has yet to find any consistency and has been far from the replacement needed up top. The Reds once again find themselves desperate for a consistent goalscorer but will Hassli find the form in the last few weeks of 2012 to warrant his pricey return?
　
TICKETS! WHO NEEDS 'EM, WHO WANTS "EM?
Oh to be a TFC Season Ticket Rep over the next few months. Not an enviable task. Through no fault of their own (except guilt by association), these poor souls will have to convince TFC season ticket holders to hand over wads of cash for yet another season that is yet to hold promise of much different. Many Day One ticket holders are finally calling it a day and casual support is bleeding on a weekly basis. Will MLSE have the Saputo-prodded smarts to lower season tickets across the board? GASP! Will they freeze ticket prices once again? Can they offer anything to the long-abused to avoid TFC matches from resembling FC Dallas matches? This is a question that only time will tell.
　
C.O.-OH NO!
The inevitable coronation of Tom Anselmi to MLSE's COO (aka head virgin sacrificer) will have many TFC supporters rolling their eyes. How a man so directly involved with the slaying of a golden goose is exalted to one of North America's highest sports management positions is beyond us, but hey. Maple Leafs and Raptors fans are suddenly screaming that "the sky is falling", but to them we say... "you are absolutely right". Welcome to our world. From a TFC slant, it will be interesting to see if Anselmi continues his iron grip over the club or if in a move of appeasement, an actual football man (not looking at you Earl Cochrane or Jim Brennan) is put into place as a TFC "President". Either that or the new owners move the Argos into BMO, get us a fluffy mascot, thundersticks and the TFC City Dancers. Whatevs.

THE STARTING 11: New TFC excuses

Coronal Mass Ejection! 1-0 Philadelphia.



If you listen to any Toronto FC home broadcasts or read any missive from official club releases you can be forgiven for thinking The Reds are the only MLS club to travel by plane or play in harsh weather. No matter who has been coaching, the make-up of the squad or the club's form, somehow six years of losses and awful performances (see here) are excused by "fatigue", "harsh conditions" and/or "a transition period". These are fine platitudes for broadcasters and journalists to trot out now and again but after more than half-a-decade, they are a bit played out. So, being our helpful selves, we offer up these new excuses for the rest of 2012's poor showings...

11. "Sudden Plata loss"

10. "Tightness in abs" (Adrian Cann only)

9. "ButtyGut"

8. "Bieber Fever"

7. "5-Year Planic attacks"

6. "Solar flares"

5. "Lathered. Rinsed. Forgot to repeat."

4. "The evils of gingivitis"

3. "The Summertime Blues" (There is no cure)

2. "Male-pattern badness"

1. "Rumoured losses pending official club announcement"

End of Winter leaves a flurry of questions

Goodbye sweet pun-maker.



As a warning, this article will leave you with far more questions than answers but a day after Aron Winter's "mutually agreed" departure from Toronto FC - we can't help but being left with many queries. The Dutchman's tenure, which started with such excitement upon his arrival, never gained enough momentum to build upon the small successes until it reached a point where the club's record made his dismissal inevitable. There were random bright spots which many thought would usher in a new era of success but most turned out to be false dawns. Why Aron Winter, by all accounts a very bright football mind, couldn't find the answer to bringing winning football to Toronto FC will likely be debated at length but for now, we are dogged with these few questions...
　
DID ARON WINTER FULLY "GET" MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER?
It's a funny league, this MLS. In simplistic terms it is mostly a push-and-run type league played at a pace and ferocity not too unlike the lower portion of the English Championship. While there are dashes of highly skilled and technical play on some of the clubs, the winning formula usually comes down to pace, athleticism and hard-nosed defending. However, apart from style comes the necessity to understand how to build your squad within MLS' very unique squad structures. With the salary cap and international restrictions hampering a new coach's choices, did Aron Winter ever get his head around the fact that he needed to use existing MLS talent as part of his rebuild? Few MLS clubs have met success without having a few established MLS "stars" in their starting eleven.
　
WAS "TOTAL FOOTBALL" TO AMBITIOUS FOR MLS?
While he never referred to his chosen "Dutch-style" as "Total Football" it was an easy way for the lay-person to get their head around Winter's plans. One has to wonder in hindsight though - did Winter try to run in this league before he could walk? While the idea of bringing the Ajax structure to Toronto, from our youngest Academy players up to the First Team, was one that had Reds' fans dreaming of a North American superclub - was it perhaps naive? Did Winter need a transitional system to usher in his complete system that could have seen a few more instant results while the bigger picture was gradually brought in?
　
WAS WINTER TOO STUBBORN?
This was a criticism held in many circles. Despite loss after loss and a full 2011 season that only saw six league victories, Winter doggedly stuck to his 4-3-3 formation. While you can almost credit the man for having such conviction in his beliefs, there were many times that the squad on the field simply couldn't handle the responsibility and high football IQ needed to effectively play that style. If Winter could have found a little flexibility in his tactics would he still be manager today?
　
WAS ORIGINALLY HIRING PAUL MARINER A RECIPE FOR DISASTER?
"One of these men just doesn't belong..." seemed to be the tune associated with the picture of Winter, Bob de Klerk and Paul Mariner when they were hired together. While Mariner seemed to be "the MLS mind" put in place to help the two league newbies wade through North America, just how well could they mesh? As far as footballing backgrounds go, two men reared in Ajax philosophy couldn't be further from a man who played in the long-ball era of English football and got his coaching chops in North America and Football League One. Was this a triumvirate that could never truly see eye-to-eye?
　
WAS THERE A POWER STRUGGLE?
TFC is run like a secret society so these questions will never be answered for certain but there seemed to be enough rumours being leaked to believe fractures had formed in the front office. As results and success continued to elude the club, was there a philosophical borderline drawn at BMO Field? Were there indeed two sides, one continuing to push for the Dutch system implementation with the other calling for a return to a more tried and tested "MLS style"? If this was the case, could success ever have been achieved by Winter?
　
WAS WINTER BLOCKED FROM MAKING MOVES?
One of the biggest side rumours that came out of the above mentioned rift was that Aron Winter was being stymied when it came to making player moves. Rumours swirled recently that Earl Cochrane still had a great deal of influence over transactions (and the backing of Tom Anselmi), and as an acolyte of the "MLS style", was making it difficult for Aron Winter to bring in players that would suit his tactics. If it is true that the club is pushed up against the salary cap as much as expected then there wouldn't be too much that Cochrane or anyone else could do to make things more difficult, however, any scenario which didn't see all members of the backroom staff pulling in the same direction would surely be a toxic environment.
　
DID THE DP SIGNINGS RAISE EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH?
While few would find fault in adding players like Torsten Frings and Danny Koevermans to the squad - did their presence (and salary) change what was expected from Aron Winter in the eyes of fans and the ownership? Winter let it slip once in the off-season that the playoffs in 2012 were no certainty but when you add two expensive players with little peak time left in their careers, isn't there a feeling that immediate results should be forthcoming? It certainly mustn’t be easy for a player with a winning pedigree like Torsten Frings to see his career peter out in such circumstances but did having him on the team put expectations of immediate success on a timetable that was quicker than Winter could handle?
　
WAS THE JIM BRENNAN MOVE MADE TO NUDGE WINTER OUT?
When the vastly under experienced Jim Brennan was placed into to Assistant Coach's role a few weeks back, many TFC fans saw a much darker Machiavellian maneuver. Not only was a well-known "company man" being put into the # 2 role on the bench but it was also in the place of Aron Winter's friend and confidante Bob de Klerk. It is impossible to say if there was a souring of relations between Winter and de Klerk since that move was made but it must have put Winter in a very uncomfortable position. But was that the point? Did the ownership - so weary of the bad optics of firing another coach - want Winter to get so frustrated that he would walk on his own thus leaving Anselmi & Co. with no blood on their hands?
　
WHAT DID MLSE EXPECT BY NOW?
Amidst the smug platitudes dished out by Tom Anselmi at yesterday's press conference was the admission that things were "not good enough". Few TFC supporters would argue that things were even close to great but what did the owners want as of June 2012? Did they believe that four previous years of stunning mismanagement allowed under their watch would be erased in a year and a half? While most of us would have liked TFC to be in the playoff hunt this year, many also saw that it was an outside shot. No one here will overestimate MLSE's utter lack of football knowledge sat around their luxurious boardrooms but did they truly believe "this was the year"? Considering that their near-playoff appearance (mistakenly said to be in 2007 under John Carver!!!) was trotted out as a sign that "things aren't so bad" you can't think that their aims were sky-high - or was it the ever decreasing crowds (and revenues) that led them to wanting to appear "proactive"?
　
WAS WINTER'S DISMISSAL TOO QUICK?
A little bit of success under new manager Paul Mariner will erase lingering frustration with Aron Winter over time but we will never know if the Dutchman's grand dream could have ever worked. Yes, his time here left a legacy of greater importance on the Academy and homegrown players but whether or not we could have seen TFC playing "beautiful" Dutch-style football in MLS is lost. His firing is not unjustified - few managers in football would have survived a 0-5 start let alone a 0-9. However, it's hard not to believe that Aron Winter truly felt that he would be given, at the very least, his full three years to make his dream a reality. At the end of the day there were not enough signs that pointed to things heading in that direction. As TFC looks set to return to a more tested North American style, the one last question we may have when we one day look back on Aron Winter's tenure as TFC manager could be "what if"?

If he goes will there be trouble? If he stays will it be double?

The Winter and his discontent



Make no mistake, Wednesday evening's victory over Montreal was a much needed breathe of fresh air for Toronto FC and their long-suffering supporters. Beyond the win and progression to the Canadian Championship finals, simply being entertained and having a bit of the old "BMO Field atmosphere" return was nice. However, far from being the instant solution or reprieve for Aron Winter's management regime, the result has caused many to ponder... "What now"?
　
Obviously there are only two paths that can be followed. Does the club take the win as a sign that things have finally clicked and give the Dutchman and his team their full backing? Or, if results in the near future do not follow Wednesday's trend, does MLSE pull the plug on Winter's big experiment and start anew... again. At this moment there isn't a clear answer. Many TFC supporters want to see the affable manager make this work while an equal number are tired of waiting while he stubbornly pushes his vision without bending. No matter what decision is made, there will be good and bad to it.
　
ARON WINTER IS BACKED
　
BEST CASE SCENARIO:
- Wednesday night was not a fluke and the club continues to display the same type of desire, determination and skill-set within the system and pushes on positively
- TFC, while distant long-shots for the playoffs already, make some noise in the league for the rest of 2012 as spoilers, win the Canadian Championship and return some of the excitement to BMO Field that has been absent for most of the season
- Winter and the management team use the summer transfer window to bolster the line-up and fill in the holes where he feels they need a talent upgrade
- The ownership finally shows fans the patience to see through a grand re-building program to its finish and the wisdom to not meddle or put up roadblocks to Winter's requests for further transactions
- As laid out by Winter and his team on their 2011 arrival, the third season of his plan is where all of the pieces finally come together and his vision bears fruit
　
WORST CASE SCENARIO:
- The team falls back into old habits quickly and their slide into MLS infamy becomes near-farcical while Winter drifts through season with plummeting support
- Paul Mariner becomes even less involved with Winter's vision and his role becomes alarmingly diminished to the point of possible departure from club
- Winter's uncertain future makes him a "lame-duck" manager in the ownership's eyes and his flexibility during the summer transfer window is stunted
- Involvement from the club's "backroom" becomes more prominent creating a split in the club between those that back Winter's vision and those "company men" who would rather return to the tested waters of a SuperDraft-built "North American" style
- TFC stutters into oblivion through the summer months leaving BMO Field with close to 50% capacity for many matches later in the season and 2013 Season Ticket sales taking a sharp drop
　
ARON WINTER IS SACKED
　
BEST CASE SCENARIO:
- Without delay, a very competent and tested duo of Paul Mariner as Director and Steve Nicol as Manager (or a similar proven combo) are put into place and given complete control of football operations
- The installation of a more basic push-and-run formation manages to get results from the existing squad
- Making a complete clean sweep prior to the summer transfer window allows the new management team to begin adjusting the squad to fit their style
- The new management uses the remainder of the 2012 season to prepare for the off-season and into 2013 without pause
- Ownership looks proactive if the correct move is made and manages to salvage some hope for better times ahead
　
WORST CASE SCENARIO:
- Ownership takes the lazy and economic route by installing an existing employee such as Thomas Rongen as a caretaker manager before holding one of their infamous off-season "exhaustive searches" which ends in the pandering installation of "Canadian GM" Earl Cochrane and "legendary" manager Danny Dichio
- Whatever management team is chosen still being unable to steady the ship and forcing supporters to realize that the rot is so deeply set that long-term improvement is unlikely
- Entering the off-season with no plan and no vision leading to moves akin to Nathan Sturgis for a 1st Round Draft Pick
- MLSE's inept "old boy" network gaining full control over football operations sending the club careening into a spiral that is dominated by pathetic promotional campaigns over any real substantial football decision-making
- A real and lasting damage caused to what remains of the loyal fan-base when they are faced with yet another "re-building" process.
　
No easy answers then, despite what side of the fence you currently stand on. Who wouldn't really want to see the gentleman scholar that is Aron Winter succeed in Toronto? Finding those that dislike him for reasons apart from the club's record is near impossible. However, everyone knows where nice guys finish and if the desire for change is present in the backrooms of MLSE, then sadly there is no time like the present. Whatever decision is made, the ownership needs to make it, get out of the way and accept responsibility for its result.
　
And now (since it's Friday despite the week off) the best thing to play a New York stadium since.... Alessandro Nesta?

THE STARTING 11: Positives of Toronto FC's 0-7 record

"Oh Bob, we didn't need you after all"

Times are indeed tough in the land of the Torontos. Supporters of the local side have had more than their fair share of heartbreak over the last six years but this time around just feels... well, sad. Last year's poor results were forgiven for the most part in patience for the inevitable improvement that was to arrive under Aron Winter's system but as we all know too well - it hasn't really worked out. While being on the very bottom of the league (again) is shameful for such a well-supported club, being the bottom-dwellers does have a few advantages...

11. Aron Winter's "Total Possum" system is succeeding by making all other clubs not take us seriously

10. Mo Johnston's fragile self-confidence has really been repaired

 9. MLSE will easily be able to market next year's 70% ticket price increase but comically switching the digits in hilarious promotion

8. Supporters get to debut their new chant "The 'O' Face"

7. Big new shirt sponsor "Dollarama" about to be lined up

6. Liverpool would have never wanted to play a 1-6 club

5. Club can finally stake a place in the Guinness Book of World Records without making Bob de Klerk wear that beard of bees

4. You can't spell "Soolsma" without a bunch of O's

3. TFC received a lovely bouquet of flowers and a glazed ham from the 1999 Kansas City Wizards

2. Owners can now market club as "The Record-Breaking TFC"

1. BMO Field was too crowded anyway

THE STARTING 11: Even more depressing moments at BMO Field

"Why so glum chum? Here, have a mocha latte."



Let's not beat around the bush - things are bad at BMO Field. Toronto FC are shattering marks for futility and are one loss away from being record-breakingly bad. Aron Winter's Oranje Revolution seems to have gone the way of Dutch pancakes, players are openly butting heads with management and even ownership has crawled out of its hole to tell us what we already know. However, as bad as the vibes may have been at the Exhibition Grounds post-match, it can always be worse! You know, like the time that...
　
11. ...Chad Barrett took a shot on goal - leaving dozens in the top row with massive injuries
　
10. ... Tom Anselmi publically smacked Jim Brennan for bringing him a cappuccino when he clearly ordered a mocha latte! A MOCHA LATTE!
　
9. ... MLSE's imaginary accountant bounced De Ro's imaginary cheque
　
8. ... Julian de Guzman's gym bag full of cash couldn't fit in the back of his customized Lamborghini
　
7. ... Edson Buddle was traded after it became clear to Mo Johnston that he'd never be a successful MLS striker
　
6. ... Maxim Usanov punched a mirror after getting into a violent argument with his reflection
　
5. ... delays to the Dufferin 29 bus ended Andrea Lombardo's career
　
4. ... Raivis Hscanovics' new shirt caused a global shortage in iron-on consonants
　
3. ... Collin Samuel was rushed to hospital after eating one of the stadium's Pizza Pizza billboards
　
2.... Jacob Peterson wrote to the United Nations claiming that Canada Day was infringing on his human rights
　
1. ... Suarez Soolsma was neutered

THE STARTING 11: Adjusted Toronto FC 2012 promotional slogans

"This guy was a thing, wasn't he?"



With a number of season tickets still unsold, Toronto FC's bean-counters can't be happy with the sudden sputter of the 2012 season. After the highs of The Reds' CCL exploits, things looked very bright for "SIXual Healing" but a pair of major injuries coinciding with a pair of shambolic fixtures to open the MLS season has tempered emotions. Suddenly, Toronto fans are wringing their hands with fear that 2012 may turn out to be as difficult to watch as... well... every year since 2007. Is it premature to be so concerned? Maybe - but it won't stop the promotions people from trying out some new ways to market a suddenly cooler product...
　
11. "Come see some guys almost named after foods!"
　
10. "Adrian Cann is nearly back... ladies?"
　
9. "Forget that spa day - frozen bracing winds and torrential rains will do wonders for your complexion"
　
8. "It's still better than that Preki.... right?"
　
7. "What part of "re-building" don't you understand? Duh."
　
6. "Next 10 callers win a date with Terry Dunfield!"
　
5. "Check out our wacky new 10-0-1" formation!"
　
4. "We're not like the Maple Leafs at all... we have red uniforms"
　
3. "Renew your passionate hatred of Chivas USA"
　
2. "Remember Dichio? That was something wasn't it?"
　
1. "We'll be better in approximately 4-6 weeks"

Know your Toronto FC 2012 – The A-ceval to D-icoy Guide

Hey handsome... where you been hidin'?



"SIXual Healing" is about to touchdown at BMO Field and with a host of new faces and you need a program! While nowhere near as erotic as a "SIXual Healing" program should be (this is a family website... sort of) we bring you all of the must-know info on your 2012 Reds. Print it up and bring it with you to BMO Field... unless you want to be that person saying "Is that Screech from Saved by the Bell wearing # 2?" Before you put on that commemorative scarf it's time to learn your "Ginga Ninjas" from your "Shrewsbury Squareballers". Ladies and Gentleman, Butty-lovers of all ages.... your 2012 Toronto Eff Cees...
　
# 3 MIGUEL ACEVAL - D
COUNTRY: Chile
NICKNAME: "Ace"
HOBBIES: Visiting Chile. feeling chilly, eating chili
PREDICTION: Exhausting all Chile, chilly, chili puns by May
　
# 8 ERIC AVILA - M
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "Eric The Red"
HOBBIES: Being hip, being confused with Luis Silva
PREDICTION: Gritting teeth into a smile as Silva improves
　
# 33 EFRAIN BURGOS JR. - M
COUNTRY: El Salvador
NICKNAME: "Jr. CheeseBurgos"
HOBBIES: Procuring work permits, being patient
PREDICTION: Being the final piece of the Lambe Burgos & Frings on a Silva Plata Pun-tagon
　
# 12 ADRIAN CANN - D
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "Zoocannder", "The Six-Pack Messiah"
HOBBIES: Rehabbing, gasoline fights, drinking Orange Mocha Frappuccinos
PREDICTION: Looking really, really good on backline
　
# 16 OSCAR CORDON
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "Bleu"
HOBBIES: Looking youthful, being curly
PREDICTION: Getting ID'd every time TFC goes out
　
# 6 JULIAN DE GUZMAN - M
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "JDG","D-Goo"
HOBBIES: Drivin' Lambos, tamin' fro's, talkin' bro's
PREDICTION: In a constant state of justification
　
# 23 TERRY DUNFIELD - M
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "The Shrewsbury Squareballer"
HOBBIES: Appearing cheerful, eating quite a few of the pies, passing back to the keeper
PREDICTION: Taking shirt off on TV again - distorting white balance on TSN cameras
　
# 27 RICHARD ECKERSLEY - D
COUNTRY: England
NICKNAME: "Ecks", "Ginga Ninja"
HOBBIES: Getting cautioned, getting yellow cards, getting red cards
PREDICTION: Always about to smack opponent in the mouth
　
# 2 LOGAN EMORY - D
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "The Board", "Idaho Hustler"
HOBBIES: Angering Orlando City, not attending "Saved by the Bell" conventions
PREDICTION: Telling locals that "no, he is NOT Screech"
　
# 24 STEFAN FREI - GK
COUNTRY: Switzerland
NICKNAME: "The Goalblerone"
HOBBIES: Wearing Swiss cheese yellow kits, battling for his job, pretending to be happy for Milos Kocic
PREDICTION: Wondering what happened to all that talk about leaving for Europe
　
# 22 TORSTEN FRINGS - M
COUNTRY: Germany
NICKNAME: "Field Marshal Frings", "Das Kapitan"
HOBBIES: Running midfield, running defence, ruining hamstring
PREDICTION: Being asked to do absolutely everything
　
# 20 TY HARDEN - D
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "The Spork", "Try Harder"
HOBBIES: Taking blame, being defended because he "seems nice", not looking bothered
PREDICTION: Being 2012's lightning rod
　
# 4 DONEIL HENRY - D
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "Oh!", "Hank"
HOBBIES: Biding time, completing puberty
PREDICTION: Wondering how he can't crack that back four
　
# 9 RYAN JOHNSON - F
COUNTRY: Jamaica
NICKNAME: "RJ9", "Da CONCACAF Killah"
HOBBIES: Sounding vaguely Jamaican, scoring in CCL for fun
PREDICTION: Making San Jose supporters say "WTF?"
　
# 30 MILOS KOCIC - GK
COUNTRY: Serbia
NICKNAME: "The Cobra", "Milko"
HOBBIES: Rocking the hot pink, battling for his job, pretending to be happy for Stefan Frei
PREDICTION: Getting image of Robbie Keane save tattooed on chest
　
# 14 DANNY KOEVERMANS - F
COUNTRY: Netherlands
NICKNAME: Koef
HOBBIES: Shaving head, admonishing social media, playing "Settlers of Catan" with Dutch nerds
PREDICTION: Finally replacing "The Dichio Song"
　
# 19 REGGIE LAMBE - M
COUNTRY: Bermuda
NICKNAME: "The Shank", "The Triangle Kid"
HOBBIES: Tweeting, self-promoting, providing sheep puns
PREDICTION: Trying to avoid becoming Rohan Ricketts 2.0
　
# 13 KEITH MAKUBUYA - F
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: Anything except "BooYah", "Kuby Keith"
HOBBIES: Correcting mispronunciations, getting lost in the shuffle
PREDICTION: Letting people pronounce it as "booyah" if it means he gets to crack the line-up
　
# 21 AARON MAUND - D
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "Maundsta", "A-Maund Joy"
HOBBIES: Baptisms by fire, getting thrown in things at the deep end
PREDICTION: Having a big chance at grabbing a starting job
　
# 5 ASHTONE MORGAN - D
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "The Tone", "Future Captain Morgan"
HOBBIES: Making investments in youth look good, being poised beyond years
PREDICTION: Carrying a heavy responsibility
　
# 7 JOAO PLATA - F
COUNTRY: Ecuador
NICKNAME: "Platita", "El MosQuito", one half of "The Silva Plata"
HOBBIES: Being adorable, spontaneous Latin dance, star of Ecuadorian TV's "Webster"
PREDICTION: Having a much harder time of things this year
　
# 11 LUIS SILVA - M
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "Silva Bullet", "other half of "The Silva Plata"
HOBBIES: Becoming an instant hero
PREDICTION: Trying to live up to instant hero status
　
# 18 NICK SOOLSMA - F
COUNTRY: Netherlands
NICKNAME: "Suarez's Dad", "Soolsmeow"
HOBBIES: Improving game, talking about cats, thinking about cats
PREDICTION: Retiring from football - opening a cattery for non-racist feline friends
　
# 15 MATT STINSON - M
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "Cowboy"
HOBBIES: Being a young bull in a china shop
PREDICTION: Aiming to be the "fit Terry Dunfield"
　
# 31 DICOY WILLIAMS - D
COUNTRY: Jamaica
NICKNAME: "Decoy", "Dicoy-oh"
HOBBIES: Being a noun, sending out lonely tweets
PREDICTION: Having his return from injury treated like it's the Second Coming

Know your 2012 MLS Eastern Conference

West may be best for baby (we think that's science) but the East is where it's at yo! That's right, hot off the heels of our highly factual and influential MLS Western Conference preview (see below) we shift focus to the continent's eastern seaboard... as well as Kansas and Houston.

　
Everyone on this continent knows east is a beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We've got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we've thrown in The French this year. What!? Eastern Conference... old-skool.
　
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas/ Bueller... Bueller
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Fire/ The Toyota 3-Point Pick-Up
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Quaker Oats/ Quaker Bratwurst
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Dominic Oduro
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Cameron Frye; Sloane Peterson; Abe Froman - "Sausage King of Chicago"
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contender/ Helping fill the league's smoked meat quota
　
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha/ Crew Cat
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Crew/ The Croup
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Barbasol/ 3 Men on a Logo Contractors Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chad Marshall
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Xenophobes; Students who Googled them accidentally for a history project; Construction workers into threesomes
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs/ Searching for the rest of their away kit
　
D.C. UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen/ Someone who "gives De Ro the respect he deserves"
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Black & Red/ Washington Wanderers
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: VW / U-Haul
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Hamdi Salihi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Imaginary cheque signers; Ancient stadia enthusiasts; Fans from other cities waiting for re-location
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Looking for a stadium in D.C., Virginia, Maryland, Orlando
　
HOUSTON DYNAMO - BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear/ An unemployed astronaut
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Orange Crush/ La Fanta
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Greenstar Recycling/ Tang
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Andre Hainault
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Redundant NASA employees; Oscar De La Hoya's right fist; Spray-Tan enthusiasts
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Being more orange than Snooki and Garfield combined
　
MONTREAL IMPACT - The Big "O"/ Stade Saputo
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jesse Marsch/ Youppi
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: L'Impact/ Le Fromage
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ TD Bank
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Zarek Valentin
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Being rumoured with an aging Italian superstar DP until they sell all their season tickets
　
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps/ Kraft Group's VP of Apathy
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Revs/ Devolution
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: United Health Care/ United Life Support
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Benny Feilhaber
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Wahlbergs; People who thought it was a big pub; Musketeers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Looking at Paul Mariner longingly
　
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Hans Backe/ Every single available washed up, big-name European manager available
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Red Bulls/ New York Costmost
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Red Bull/ A "new" NY Cosmos ad
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Teemu Tainio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Caffeine enthusiasts; Austrian-Americans; No one in Manhattan
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contender/ Arsenal's parent club
　
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Piotr Nowak/ A couple of guys gettin' up to no good
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Zolos/ Carlton Athletic
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Bimbo/ Will Smith's kids
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Danny Califf
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Uncle Phils; Scared moms; Jazzy Jeffs
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Making trouble in their neighbourhood
　
SPORTING KC - Livestrong Sporting Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes/ Someone Portuguese
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sporting/ KFC
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ Teal Bunbury's Immigration Services Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: C.J. Sapong
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Rehabilitated sorcerers; Ex-conjurers; Men behind curtains
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contenders/ Erasing all references to the word "Wizard"
　
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Aron Winter/ Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Reds/ The Robins
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ Half Bell - Half Rogers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Aron Winter and a 20-year time machine
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Eternal optimists; Addicted pessimists; Butty lovers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Taking fans to the edge of glory... bringing them down to Earth with a thud... repeat

Know your 2012 MLS Western Conference



For many in Toronto it feels like the season has already started. After the emotional roller-coaster that was the Champions League Quarterfinal on Wednesday, you can forgive Reds supporters for feeling a touch anti-climactic. But that won't last. Once the CCL hoo-hah has worn off there will be a palpable excitement for what 2012 holds.

　
Of course part of preparing for a season is brushing up on your competitors. This is the time of year when all of North America's serious football media make their annual predictions - and we at The Yorkies are nothing if not hard-hitting, serious investigative journalists. We start with a look at the Western Conference first since our desire for a single table is limited to shopping at IKEA. Go west - life is peaceful there... and they have quality tacos.
　
CHIVAS USA - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robin Fraser/ A Mexican wrestler named "El Managerio"
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Goats/ Club Un-America
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Corona/ Nick LaBrocca: Personal Injury Lawyer
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Heath Pearce
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The late Taco Bell dog; some dudes outside of a Home Depot; No fans of PUMAS, Santos Laguna, Club America or any other Mexican team that isn't Chivas Guadalajara
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league / Still being referred to as "oh yeah, them"
　
COLORADO RAPIDS - Dick's Sporting Goods Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Oscar Pareja/ Champ Kind
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Rapids/ The RonBurgundys
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ Sex Panther Cologne
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Omar Cummings
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: A mountain man; RapidsMan; Anchorman
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Never an afternoon delight
　
FC DALLAS - FC Dallas Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Schellas Hyndman/ a confused Neil Warnock
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Hoops/ Queen's Park Texas Rangers
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ A random BBQ sauce stain
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: David Ferreira
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lost high school football fans; Suburban cowboys; People who want a nice quiet place to sit for 2 hours
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contenders/ Playing quality football in front of dozens
　
LA GALAXY - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Bruce Arena/ Cartoon dog Droopy
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Galacticos / Davy Knickers & The Boyz
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Herbalife/ Victoria Beckham Jeans
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Landon Donovan
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Piers Morgan; Vinnie Jones; The Real Housewives of Carson, California
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Waiting for season to end before rushing off on loan
　
PORTLAND TIMBERS - Jeld-Wen Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: John Spencer/ Timber Preki
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Timbers/ The Ironic Trees
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Alaskan Airlines/ American Apparel
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Kris Boyd
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lumberjacks; Hipsters; Hipsters dressed as lumberjacks
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs/ Making all other fans wish they could party quite like that
　
REAL SALT LAKE - Rio Tinto Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jason Kreis/ Mitt Romney
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Royals/ Jason Kreis and The Latter-day Saints
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Xango/ bwin (think about it!)
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Will Johnson
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Spanish royalty; Stockton & Malone; Sister wives
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Playing in front of the whitest crowd in football
　
SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES - Buck Shaw Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Frank Yallop/ Dale Mitchell
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Quakes/ The Natural Disasters
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Amway/ Mayan Calendar Club
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chris Wondolowski
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The ghost of George Best; Seismology aficionados; Saint Joseph
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Still waiting to see a shovel in the ground
　
SEATTLE SOUNDERS - CenturyLink Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Sigi Schmid/ A Sasquatch in a scarf
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sounders/ Sigi and the Hendersons
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: XBOX/ a spray painted Neo Geo
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Fredy Montero
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Frasier's dad; 30% of Soundgarden; Xavier McDaniel
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Blinding those who look directly at their third kit
　
VANCOUVER WHITECAPS - BC Place
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Martin Rennie/ A yoga instructor
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Caps/ Crystal Meth Palace FC
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Bell/ Lululemon
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Darren Mattocks
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The editors of High Times magazine; Orcas; Stan Smyl's moustache
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Still going on about SoccerBowl '79
　
Coming up tomorrow... "Know your 2012 MLS Eastern Conference"