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Thursday, March 8, 2012

Know your 2012 MLS Western Conference

For many in Toronto it feels like the season has already started. After the emotional roller-coaster that was the Champions League Quarterfinal on Wednesday, you can forgive Reds supporters for feeling a touch anti-climactic. But that won't last. Once the CCL hoo-hah has worn off there will be a palpable excitement for what 2012 holds.
Of course part of preparing for a season is brushing up on your competitors. This is the time of year when all of North America's serious football media make their annual predictions - and we at The Yorkies are nothing if not hard-hitting, serious investigative journalists. We start with a look at the Western Conference first since our desire for a single table is limited to shopping at IKEA. Go west - life is peaceful there... and they have quality tacos.
CHIVAS USA - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robin Fraser/ A Mexican wrestler named "El Managerio"
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Goats/ Club Un-America
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Corona/ Nick LaBrocca: Personal Injury Lawyer
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The late Taco Bell dog; some dudes outside of a Home Depot; No fans of PUMAS, Santos Laguna, Club America or any other Mexican team that isn't Chivas Guadalajara
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league / Still being referred to as "oh yeah, them"
COLORADO RAPIDS - Dick's Sporting Goods Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Oscar Pareja/ Champ Kind
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Rapids/ The RonBurgundys
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ Sex Panther Cologne
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Omar Cummings
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: A mountain man; RapidsMan; Anchorman
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Never an afternoon delight
FC DALLAS - FC Dallas Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Schellas Hyndman/ a confused Neil Warnock
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Hoops/ Queen's Park Texas Rangers
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ A random BBQ sauce stain
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: David Ferreira
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lost high school football fans; Suburban cowboys; People who want a nice quiet place to sit for 2 hours
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contenders/ Playing quality football in front of dozens
LA GALAXY - Home Depot Center
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Bruce Arena/ Cartoon dog Droopy
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Galacticos / Davy Knickers & The Boyz
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Herbalife/ Victoria Beckham Jeans
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Landon Donovan
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Piers Morgan; Vinnie Jones; The Real Housewives of Carson, California
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Waiting for season to end before rushing off on loan
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: John Spencer/ Timber Preki
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Timbers/ The Ironic Trees
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Alaskan Airlines/ American Apparel
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Lumberjacks; Hipsters; Hipsters dressed as lumberjacks
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs/ Making all other fans wish they could party quite like that
REAL SALT LAKE - Rio Tinto Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jason Kreis/ Mitt Romney
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Royals/ Jason Kreis and The Latter-day Saints
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Xango/ bwin (think about it!)
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Spanish royalty; Stockton & Malone; Sister wives
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Playing in front of the whitest crowd in football
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Frank Yallop/ Dale Mitchell
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Quakes/ The Natural Disasters
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Amway/ Mayan Calendar Club
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chris Wondolowski
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The ghost of George Best; Seismology aficionados; Saint Joseph
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Still waiting to see a shovel in the ground
SEATTLE SOUNDERS - CenturyLink Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Sigi Schmid/ A Sasquatch in a scarf
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sounders/ Sigi and the Hendersons
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: XBOX/ a spray painted Neo Geo
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Fredy Montero
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Frasier's dad; 30% of Soundgarden; Xavier McDaniel
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Blinding those who look directly at their third kit
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Martin Rennie/ A yoga instructor
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Caps/ Crystal Meth Palace FC
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Darren Mattocks
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: The editors of High Times magazine; Orcas; Stan Smyl's moustache
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Still going on about SoccerBowl '79
Coming up tomorrow... "Know your 2012 MLS Eastern Conference"


  1. Hilarious and on point as always. But Fredy Montero? Ick, never - bratty, whiny child - haven't we had enough of those? How about Jhon Hurtado instead? Just for the pun possibilities!

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