"It's not us, it's you" - The fun has left BMO Field as TFC's only claim to fame fizzles

"Can you feel the passion? Umm...guys? Can you feel it?"

It was always going to be this way. As far back as the first home fixture in 2007, Toronto FC was based on a house of cards that was "the great atmosphere". It didn't help when the assembled North American football media got in line to stroke the club and its supporters’ egos for managing to introduce a "European match atmosphere" to MLS. The club, so wrapped up in this unexpected phenomenon, took a path that would see them bathe in their fans' "ultra" imagery and lean on this as the be all and end all of Toronto's re-born football scene. This golden calf invariably lead them to doing the one thing that would eventually slay this unexpected idol - they didn't bother to build a football club for it.

　
This is old news to 99% of you reading this. The many re-births, the conveyor belt of management and the eternal continuation of "Five-Year Plans" have become the stuff of local farce. Until recently however, the supporters who have graciously, and against all odds, continued to attend TFC matches met the club's lifelong struggles with gallows humour and a frustrated resilience. The once exalted atmosphere, while steadily decreasing, seemed strong enough to at least allow the ground's denizens a fun day out. For those of you who go to TFC matches regularly are likely aware, and as a note to those that do not, the fun has gone.
　
It is palpable in the air. Joviality towards our lovable bumbling squad has turned into hostility and - far worse - deafening apathy. There is not an ounce of blame available to put on a single supporter or group who still attends due to their genuine affection for TFC (or at least the sport) as most are all out of spirit. The club has beaten it out of their fans through a battle of below-mediocre attrition that few fans would be willing to endure. Yes there are fans of other clubs around the world who have suffered through worse but they likely support a club with history and past glories to lean on. In Toronto, supporters can only lean on paper-thin promises of better days ahead. A Herculean sales pitch that MLSE likely didn't expect to have to make.
　
The question thus becomes - how will the club sell a day out at a match? There is a palpable fear that the ownership will begin to panic soon. The original recipe for success was selling a football experience that was as close to "old world" sensibilities as you could find in North America. There was a refreshing lack of bottled Arena Football-esque bottled atmosphere. The near organic supporter culture papered over the rapidly exposed ills of a poorly managed team. But when this is gone, how will an ownership that has a PhD in "Sizzle over Steak" react?

THE STARTING 11: MLS alternatives to Toronto FC's pre-match Bitchy ceremony

"Uncle Paulie want a hoagie! Caw! Caw!"



We are making a concerted effort to be less cynical and caustic about TFC sideshows this year. You know, new "winning culture" and all that. It ain't going too good. We have long submitted to blaring music, constant promos and girls yelling at us on the video screen like banshees at halftime but this year's attempt to make "Bitchy the Hawk" into a pseudo-tradition borders on farce. Even the bird wants none of the club's attempt to become Diet Benfica (TM) attempting an upper deck escape a couple of weeks back. But alas TFC will shove the rock n' roll Harris Hawk down our throats until we fight no more and they aren’t the only MLS club with bizarre pre-match malarkey...
　
11. PORTLAND: A captured Sounders supporter is bound and gagged then lead to midfield amidst tribal chants while "Timber Joey" prepares his chainsaw
　
10. REAL SALT LAKE: The traditional launch of the Mormon Tabernacle Cannon
　
9. SEATTLE: A moment of silence is held then every supporter turns to the supporter next to them and repeats "You are the greatest soccer fan in the history of soccer". Three times.
　
8. MONTREAL: Joey Saputo emerges from the tunnel and invites an elderly Italian man from out of the stands who is then offered a year's supply of provolone or... a three year contract with Impact
　
7. PHILADELPHIA: Actor Burt Young, who portrayed "Uncle Paulie" in the Rocky films, is released from his cage and races to his centre-spot perch where he maniacally downs a hoagie to the song "Living in America"
　
6. VANCOUVER: A pot-smoking grizzly bear dressed in yoga gear is paraded to midfield where he dramatically takes off his Ray-Bans and unveils a t-shirt that reads "DEAL WITH IT". The crowd nods silently in bemused satisfaction.
　
5. NEW ENGLAND: Robert Kraft's accountant spreads hundreds of dollars around the midfield circle before thrashing around in them naked to wrestler Ted "The Million Dollar Man" Di Biase's theme song
　
4. NEW YORK: A Manhattan hipster walks out in a New York Cosmos jersey and takes a dump on a Thierry Henry Red Bulls' jersey while yelling "The future!!!"
　
3. CHICAGO: A midget version of Principle Ed Rooney chases a midget Ferris Bueller around the sidelines to that "Oh Yeah" song until they both collapse in exhaustion
　
2. CHIVAS USA: Apparently the single greatest pre-match ceremony in FIFA history is held before every match... however, no one has attended a match to confirm this.
　
1. COLUMBUS: The league's "Dirtiest Mascot"(C) - "Crew Cat" - zip-lines from the upper deck to the pitch where he licks his imaginary cat-balls for three-to-five minutes before "marking" one of the Crew cheerleaders. He gives the finger to the away goalkeeper while leaving to The Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Oh Crew Cat... you dirty but rockin' fake feline!

THE STARTING 11: Special features during Toronto FC's "Support The Troops Day"

Paul Mariner. Next Saturday.



If you are attending next Saturday's match versus New England at BMO Field you may notice fatigues. No, not the fatigue of supporting TFC but military fatigues as MLSE has designated the match as a "Support The Troops" day - a feature they have tried with their two other stellar professional clubs. Now it's up to you if you want to see this as a genuine thanks to the hard-working Canadian military - or as a cynical bathing of MLSE's brand, in order to deflect criticism, through the feigned wrapping of themselves in Canadian patriotism (see the Conservative Party of Canada) - your call. Either way, there will be a whole host of military personnel and their families on hand because... how better to celebrate Canadian Defences than by forcing them to watch a team that can't defend? As part of the day, there will be a few extra features to distract your fatigue(s)...
　
11. Promotional T-Shirt cannon... an actual cannon
　
10. Paul Mariner to dress as 19th Century British officer
　
9. TFC to be camouflaged... as a competitive team
　
8. Tom Anselmi's football credentials to remain A.W.O.L.
　
7. World War II veterans in attendance allowed to call Torsten Frings "that bloody Jerry!"
　
6. Adrian Cann to sing "In The Navy" at Halftime
　
5. Reds to honour The War of 1812 by losing 18-12
　
4. Supporters to aim 21-gun salute at MLSE corporate suite
　
3. Jim Brennan to dye soul patch khaki
　
2. In a salute to Canada's fine armoured divisions - TFC to tank
　
1. Ship Buttys
　

And... since Adrian Cann sounds a bit like Grover and the ownership are a bunch of muppets...

THE MATCHUP: “Union Day" at BMO Field!

Danny Callif's button went unclaimed



TORONTO VS. PHILADELPHIA
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Okay. Is THIS the real "new beginning"? After every cup victory for TFC this year, much has been made that the result would be the catalyst for much needed league success. As we all know, that has yet to happen but if the team spirit isn't right after snagging the club's fourth Canadian Championship on Wednesday evening, it may never be. The timing may be right for The Reds to break their league duck as Union are as close to a fellow struggler as we could find. But... what if it doesn't happen? If TFC falls back into old habits and... gasp... go 0-10... what next? The ever cool Aron Winter doesn't seem too worried but with no more cup matches until Champions League, the league is where they must now find victory.
　
While we rarely rant in a pre-match (we leave that for every other post and Twitter), we nearly choked on our own prognostication when TFC emailed their "valued" season ticket holders yesterday to inform us of the exciting "Caribbean Carnival" and Oktoberfest" promotions on their way. We have always joked that when BMO Field got to be half-full that a truckload of thundersticks, the "TFC City Dancers" and adorable mascot "StrikerPup" (TM) would emerge but we didn't expect ML$E to bite so soon. This is exactly the kind of garbage that a club that is far more interested in profits than product pulls. The lack of this stupidity is what drew genuine football fans to TFC in the first place. BMO Field was NOT like most of the other MLS stadiums that were drowning in "family fun" promotions and thus became renowned for its "real football experience". So "Teflon" Tom Anselmi - if you want to pack the house again, cut out this promo trash and give your "real fans" what they want - a stable and successful club on the pitch.
　
If you want to read more on this very bad sign for the future of the club, we highly recommend our good friend Duncan Fletcher's article on the topic at Waking The Red.
　
Now back to regularly scheduled idiocy...
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Fresh Prince of Wales Trophy"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Torsten Frings, Danny Koevermans, Ashtone Morgan
PHILADELPHIA: Freddy Adu, Danny Mwanga, Carlos Valdes
　
THE ODDS:
ML$E gameday promotion on Saturday will be...
- "United Steelworkers present "Union Day": 3-1
- "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air-A-Palooza": 10-1
- "Snakes in the South Stand Day": 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
The Danny Koevermans-billed "Worst Team in the World" moniker has gotten TFC into some hot water as basketball's Washington Generals are contemplating legal action. The Generals, best-known as the Harlem Globetrotters' whipping boys, make their living off of the "World's Worst Team" angle and are unhappy at TFC's claim to infame. Luckily it seems like a compromise will be found as ML$E's promotions department is adding a special gameday event where The Generals will play a "soccer-basketball" friendly vs. Toronto FC. The Generals will dress as Caribbean Germans while TFC will wear their special "Support the Troops" camouflage kits (soon available at RealSports for $129.99). Members of Liverpool FC's reserve squad will be the game officials. "All For One $"!
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "UNION THUGS CROSS TFC LINES"

And now... because it's Friday and the Union have a snake on their badge... what else would we play? But since Duran Duran are unionized - here's some dude named Wilson from 1985...

THE STARTING 11: Adjusted Toronto FC 2012 promotional slogans

"This guy was a thing, wasn't he?"



With a number of season tickets still unsold, Toronto FC's bean-counters can't be happy with the sudden sputter of the 2012 season. After the highs of The Reds' CCL exploits, things looked very bright for "SIXual Healing" but a pair of major injuries coinciding with a pair of shambolic fixtures to open the MLS season has tempered emotions. Suddenly, Toronto fans are wringing their hands with fear that 2012 may turn out to be as difficult to watch as... well... every year since 2007. Is it premature to be so concerned? Maybe - but it won't stop the promotions people from trying out some new ways to market a suddenly cooler product...
　
11. "Come see some guys almost named after foods!"
　
10. "Adrian Cann is nearly back... ladies?"
　
9. "Forget that spa day - frozen bracing winds and torrential rains will do wonders for your complexion"
　
8. "It's still better than that Preki.... right?"
　
7. "What part of "re-building" don't you understand? Duh."
　
6. "Next 10 callers win a date with Terry Dunfield!"
　
5. "Check out our wacky new 10-0-1" formation!"
　
4. "We're not like the Maple Leafs at all... we have red uniforms"
　
3. "Renew your passionate hatred of Chivas USA"
　
2. "Remember Dichio? That was something wasn't it?"
　
1. "We'll be better in approximately 4-6 weeks"

THE STARTING 11: Special features on the 2012 TFC Kia Optima

Oooh, love that ginger detailing



In what is turning out to be an annual corporate cross-promotion, auto-maker and club sponsor Kia Motors unveiled a "Special TFC Edition" vehicle. Once again, Academy coach Danny Dichio and team barista/dodgy hairstyle enthusiast Jim Brennan premiered the car, a 2012 Optima, at the Toronto Auto Show for a rapturous crowd of sub-compact coupe aficionados/fans of the English First Division (1993 - 2006). The eye-catching car certainly shows of its "football flair" but there are a few other TFC-esque features under the hood...
　
11. The GPS navigation system is narrated by Bob de Klerk
　
10. Adrian Cann autographed mirrors warn "OBJECTS IN MIRROR MAY BE MORE HANDSOME THAN THEY APPEAR"
　
9. Stefan Frei and Milos Kocic are constantly arguing about who gets to drive the car first
　
8. Satellite radio system only plays hard Rotterdam techno stations
　
7. Body paint available in black, silver or Eckersley
　
6. Lease option allows Earl Cochrane to trade in 2012 model for Nathan Sturgis
　
5. Car automatically squirts windshield washer fluid at the new Montreal Impact Peugeot hatchback
　
4. Environmentally friendly Gasoline/Chip Butty hybrid
　
3. Lots of good seats still available!
　
2. Aron Winter tires
　
1. It goes 0-100 in 6 years flat