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Monday, April 29, 2013

THE STARTING 11: MLS alternatives to Toronto FC's pre-match Bitchy ceremony

"Uncle Paulie want a hoagie! Caw! Caw!"

We are making a concerted effort to be less cynical and caustic about TFC sideshows this year. You know, new "winning culture" and all that. It ain't going too good. We have long submitted to blaring music, constant promos and girls yelling at us on the video screen like banshees at halftime but this year's attempt to make "Bitchy the Hawk" into a pseudo-tradition borders on farce. Even the bird wants none of the club's attempt to become Diet Benfica (TM) attempting an upper deck escape a couple of weeks back. But alas TFC will shove the rock n' roll Harris Hawk down our throats until we fight no more and they aren’t the only MLS club with bizarre pre-match malarkey...
11. PORTLAND: A captured Sounders supporter is bound and gagged then lead to midfield amidst tribal chants while "Timber Joey" prepares his chainsaw
10. REAL SALT LAKE: The traditional launch of the Mormon Tabernacle Cannon
9. SEATTLE: A moment of silence is held then every supporter turns to the supporter next to them and repeats "You are the greatest soccer fan in the history of soccer". Three times.
8. MONTREAL: Joey Saputo emerges from the tunnel and invites an elderly Italian man from out of the stands who is then offered a year's supply of provolone or... a three year contract with Impact
7. PHILADELPHIA: Actor Burt Young, who portrayed "Uncle Paulie" in the Rocky films, is released from his cage and races to his centre-spot perch where he maniacally downs a hoagie to the song "Living in America"
6. VANCOUVER: A pot-smoking grizzly bear dressed in yoga gear is paraded to midfield where he dramatically takes off his Ray-Bans and unveils a t-shirt that reads "DEAL WITH IT". The crowd nods silently in bemused satisfaction.
5. NEW ENGLAND: Robert Kraft's accountant spreads hundreds of dollars around the midfield circle before thrashing around in them naked to wrestler Ted "The Million Dollar Man" Di Biase's theme song
4. NEW YORK: A Manhattan hipster walks out in a New York Cosmos jersey and takes a dump on a Thierry Henry Red Bulls' jersey while yelling "The future!!!"
3. CHICAGO: A midget version of Principle Ed Rooney chases a midget Ferris Bueller around the sidelines to that "Oh Yeah" song until they both collapse in exhaustion
2. CHIVAS USA: Apparently the single greatest pre-match ceremony in FIFA history is held before every match... however, no one has attended a match to confirm this.
1. COLUMBUS: The league's "Dirtiest Mascot"(C) - "Crew Cat" - zip-lines from the upper deck to the pitch where he licks his imaginary cat-balls for three-to-five minutes before "marking" one of the Crew cheerleaders. He gives the finger to the away goalkeeper while leaving to The Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Oh Crew Cat... you dirty but rockin' fake feline!


  1. Too many furballs in the wiring might be why the Columbus Crew scoreboard caught fire Saturday night.

  2. The Seattle one. I can't stop laughing...