THE MATCHUP: “SIXual Release”

"Yes we've got that feelin'..."

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO
　
CREW STADIUM - SUNDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It wasn't supposed to end this way... but now we're just thankful it's ending. Toronto FC's agonizing 2012 comes to an end eight months after it began with such promise that we had branded it "SIXual Healing". However, that Dutch Viagra didn't really work very well and instead of dynamic virility we ended up as an old eccentric man running around in short pants yelling at the kids on our lawn. Now it's just time for a long nap.
　
Before our winter (the season not the man) sojourn, there is one last fixture and what better match to highlight the Reds' impotence than the opposite of "Old Firm" - the "New Soft" derby versus Columbus Crew? What could be more fitting than one last punch in the head from a club we used to so smarmingly mock? After the match, the tired clichés of "the work starts now for 2013" will be trotted out. Considering the first project was scuppered by a USL coach turning down big money and a "Major League" job title - it may be a long off-season. Alas, we leave Paul Mariner & Co. with the words of 20th Century poet and musician Rupert Paul III... "You. Better. Work."
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The New Soft"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
COLUMBUS: Eddie Gaven, Federico Higuain, Chad Marshall
TORONTO: Terry Dunfield, Ryan Johnson, Luis Silva
　
THE ODDS:
When we tried to brand 2012 in the pre-season as "SIXual Healing", no one knew how poorly it would all go. TFC now has to scramble for a new title to adorn their 2012 Highlights Video. Their choices are down to:
- "SIXual Dysfunction": 10-1
- "SIXually Frustrated": 5-1
- "SIXual Harassment": - 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
And now, for our lucky readers we present the full 2012 Toronto FC Highlight Video package. Sit back, relax and enjoy all of this season's exciting and successful moments set to a hot club beat! Ladies and gentlemen... "SIXual Dysfunction: TFC 2012"...

　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC LOCKER ROOM IN CRISIS – HEAD COACH JIM BRENNAN CLAIMS ‘NOTHING IS WRONG’…"
(Oh sorry, this is the post-match headline from October 28, 2013)