AFTER 90: It's all ( ___________'s ) fault

"It wasn't me..."



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

FIRST HALF:

1' - Good news for TFC fans.. according to a well known local columnist it has been Major League Soccer's fault all along! Phew. MLSE has really, really wanted to be a winner but mean, old Don Garber has stopped them! This explains seven managers, a turnstile of dozens of useless players, alienating a once rabid fan base and six years of 5-Year Plans. It was the league's fault! Thank goodness for those "sources" close to the situation for saving their own skins setting the record straight. Oh look... a match...

4' - Part owner of TFC, TSN delaying broadcast of TFC match for the CFL. 2 minutes of regulation pointy egg has taken 15 minutes. Don Garber loves him some Edmonton Eskimos.
10' - Finally live at a very damp Crew Stadium. Crew Cat must be soaked. The Dirty Crew Dancepack... make your own joke you filthmonger.
13' - Crew striker Federico Higuain goes close. He is the poor man's Gonzalo Higuain... which must make family dinner's awkward.
17' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higuain gets angry by what I wrote and turns Jeremy Hall inside out and inside again then slots past Freddy Hall. Too easy.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
18' - Jeremy Hall? The league's fault.
21' - Reggie Lambe briefly looking tricky in new role as forward. Sadly still surrounded by the other usual forwards.
28' - GOAL: Toronto - Andrew Wiedeman darts around flopping Crew defenders and buries the ball low and into the corner. IT'S THE MODERN ERA! Dogs and cats, living together... mass hysteria!
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1
35' - TFC showing more attacking prowess in the last 10 minutes than usual. Stick it to those New York City fat cats boys!
41' - Freddy Hall makes a big save off a Ben Speas strike. Reds' players leaving it until the last possible moment to "play for a job in 2013"
44' - This inclement weather in Columbus has MLS executives' finger prints all over it.

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF:
45' - Back to the Crew Stadium action amidst the dulcet tones of "Gangnam Style". That song will never. get. old.
53' - Andrew Wiedeman showing the Columbus Crew reserves why he is "Generation Adidas". Yes he will be "Generation KangaRoos" next year but why you gotta be so negative?
61' - PENALTY: as Terry Dunfield called for grab on Higuain in the box. He sold it like only an Argentine can but calmly scores a GOAL on the resulting PK
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1
62' - How dare the league find a player of Higuain's ability and hand him forcefully to "glamour market" Columbus without them scouting him first?!
67' - The mercurial season of Ryan Johnson ends with a limp...
69' - SUB: Ryan Johnson off for Doneil Henry
72' - Henry goes to RB rather than Eckersley slot back into his natural position. Apparently if you just keep jamming a square peg into a round hole it will eventually fit.
80' - These are officially the "garbage minutes" of a "garbage season"
85' - SUB: Logan Emory on for Eric Avila
86' - Pffffffffffffffffffft.
88' - Six years of league-enforced losing nearly over.
90'+ - What more fitting an end than TFC finishing the season with five defenders on the pitch and Adrian Cann as striker. Merry Christmas y'all.

FULL TIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Freddy Hall 5 / Jeremy Hall 5 / Richard Eckersley 6 / Adrian Cann 6 / Ashtone Morgan 5 / Andrew Wiedeman 6 / Terry Dunfield 5 / Luis Silva 5.5 / Eric Avila 6 (Logan Emory N/A) / Reggie Lambe 6 / Ryan Johnson 5.5 (Doneil Henry N/A )

　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Father Time.

THE BATH:
In the hallowed words of 20th Century poets society "Tag Team"... "Whoomp! (There It Is)". 2012 that is. It's finally over and what better way to get the momentum rolling for 2013 than with a 14 game winless streak in the league? Blame whomever you like: MLSE, MLS, Aron Winter, Paul Mariner, short pants or Gozer The Gozerian. It all leads to the same end... a club on the last day of 2012 that has no better future than on the first day of 2007.

The post-match interviews will no doubt be electrifying in their clichés of "the work starts now for 2013" and the need "to evaluate and move forward" but the damage done to the souls of TFC fans (and no doubt some of the players) this year has been devastating. Never has there been a last day of the season where the majority of those who follow TFC are happy for the break and look ahead with trepidation instead of the usual hope for better. After six years of this, blaming anyone outside of this club is simply wrong.