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Monday, October 29, 2012

THE STARTING 11: Other places to lay blame for Toronto FC's woes

Stupid playoff-wrecking low high pressure weather front!

Ah, Fall in Toronto. Glorious foliage, golden sunsets, and the annual pointing of fingers. Nowhere does the passing of the autumnal buck waft as beautifully as through the corridors of Toronto FC. For anyone with a limited knowledge of this tumultuous club (but reading the local newspapers over the last few days) you may be lead to believe TFC's failures were down to: an oppressive New York-based conspiracy; professional footballers being forced to wear suits over flip-flops; the agony of being paid to watch game film to improve one's game; or... shock-horror... a fat player having to play some extra minutes with reserves to shed pancake-weight. Oh the huge manatee! It is hard work trying to lay blame on a scapegoat while running a club into the ground at the same time so we offer TFC these handy other blame-ternatives...
11. Pressure from the violent and oppressive Bermudian Government regime to use their players... or else!
10. Busy trying to figure out if it should be spelled "Five Year Plan" or "5-year-plan"
9. Damn Raivis Hscanovics never fulfilled his abundant potential!
8. Hard to get over the long-lasting disappointment from the lacklustre sequels to "The Matrix"
7. No time to prepare for next season when you have to give unattributed interviews to local columnists every day!
6. Handshake deals no longer being upheld by the Supreme Court
5. The greedy NHLPA keeps blocking our plans
4. The crippling European Debt Crisis and the resulting shortage in full-length trousers
2. Don Garber's childish War of 1812 grudge
1. Had to get rid of all those loud fans at BMO Field before we could properly concentrate
And… since we love to listen to our readers’ suggestions… here is a piece of suitable classical music we should have used yesterday but still suits this special occasion… the new TFC Anthem…

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