THE STARTING 11: Potential Miami club names

The 2015 Miami home and away kit



In Don Garber's quest to expand Major League Soccer to 84 clubs by 2019, the Commissioner looked to David Beckham then looked south. No, not at Beckham's southern regions (pervs) but at America's dangly bits... Southern Florida. Hot on the heels of Miami Fusion FC, MLS hopes that with the harnessed star power of international tight undergarment pioneer Beckham, the league can finally crack the South Beach nut. The club has been awarded, the stadium is being negotiated and the Spice Girls are warming up for the anthems. Now... what to name the club?

11. Becka Juniors

10. Olympique LeBron

9. Futbol Club Pour Homme by David Beckham

8. FC Shakhtar Dexter

7. Flamingo

6. Brooklyn, Romeo & Cruz Azul

5. Nipoli

4. Old Man Chest Hair United

3. Victoria Beckham and The Miami Sound Machine

2. H&M Young Boys

1. OGC Vice

THE STARTING 11: Lesser-known impacts of David Beckham's time in Major League Soccer

Long Live Love David Beckham!



In 2007, a monumental arrival impacted Major League Soccer in ways previously thought impossible. It happened though... an expansion team who wouldn't make the playoffs for six years and counting. Also... David Beckham went to Los Angeles. Yes, FIFA's leading hairstyle innovator (1995-2007) indeed joined Galaxy from Real Madrid in a faux-messianic quest to "bring the soccer to the America". Only the petty out there will deny that Beckham's six seasons in MLS had a positive effect on the footballing landscape of North America but not everything he accomplished was caught on film...
　
11. Single-handedly caused "The Great Californian Tattoo Ink Crisis" of 2007
　
10. "Nasal Cockney" now a recognized second-language in many suburban Los Angeles high schools
　
9. Well coiffured presence in the line-up made Landon Donovan look downright macho
　
8. Created a 15% spike in Southern California newborns named "Home Depot"
　
7. His arrival opened a floodgate of other high-profile European footballers like... um... Teemu Tainio?
　
6. MLS Cup will forever give off a subtle dose of "Homme by David Beckham" cologne every time it is lifted
　
5. Thankfully persuaded Don Garber to give up on his dreams of a faux-hawk
　
4. Personally organized the loan of Chad Barrett to Norwegian league - to improve LA Galaxy's goalscoring
　
3. Helped wean middle-aged women off of "Twilight" and "50 Shades of Grey" for 90 minutes at a time
　
2. Todd Dunivant totally into super skinny jeans now
　
1. Coined the pop culture term "Brucearenasexual"

Yorkies Cards 2011 - Pack 1

Man, did I love buying hockey cards as a kid. I'd take my 35 cents, run over to the corner store, and open those bad boys up. After stupid things like inflation and market saturation, my beautiful card collection's value sunk like a stone. I still have them (if interested, inquire within) but some of the cards are, effectively worthless. Pretty, but worthless.

Fast forward a decade and a half, and I'm a graphic designer now (enter cheap shots here). I suggested to the lads on this site last winter, "hey, how cool would it be to have a set of Yorkies soccer cards?" and they were all like "hell yeah!" but I didn't do them. This off season, the idea reared its head again however this time, I could picture them.

So without further ado, I present to you the very first pack of the Yorkies Set 2011. A set of 54 cards with some of your favourite players, and for especially us TFC supporters, some players you just cannot stand.

Over the course of the month and some change, we will be releasing 9 packs in all of 6 cards each.

 

Pack 1 includes such luminaries as Jamison Olave, deGoo and David Beckham. Enjoy.

Download Pack 1 [PDF]

THE STARTING 11: Extra reasons why SkyDome makes a good CCL venue

The halftime show will be spectacular!



"50,000 fans". This was the mantra repeated ad nauseam during TFC's Dutch Breakfast Extravaganza on Friday regarding the CCL Quarterfinal at SkyDome. There is a great expectation from the club's owners as well as many supporters that the fixture versus LA Galaxy will equal, if not eclipse, Montreal's memorable CCL Big O filler of a few years back. With reasonable pricing and the possibility of midfield lothario/snug boxerbrief aficionado David Beckham appearing, there are many reasons already to buy your tickets by the bushel. However, if you need some last-minute coaxing before ordering your ducats - would you really want to miss memorable SkyDomesque moments like these?
　
11. A cramped Chad Barrett being removed from the field in the back of the Monster Truck "Grave Digger"
　
10. Argos fans milling about downtown failing to see the irony of Toronto FC playing in their stadium
　
9. Tom Henke subbed in for The Reds in the 80th minute to help close off the match
　
8. If Galaxy gets an early lead - the roof "accidentally" opening to the harsh winter elements during halftime
　
7. Ty Harden constantly getting distracted when dribbling the ball over the actual place where Ultimate Warrior beat Hulk Hogan for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania VI
　
6. Expensive chip buttys being made from 100% public funding
　
5. Soccer moms holding silent prayer vigil circle that David Beckham's kit is "retractable"
　
4. World records shattered as streamers reach field from 500 Level
　
3. Bitchy the Hawk hunting - then removing googly eyes - of SkyDome mascot Domer the Turtle
　
2. Joe Carter winning the match with 90th minute penalty kick
　
1. Mo Johnston being spotted nude in SkyDome Hotel window

THE STARTING 11: Other Beckham effects

Jeez, get a room



There are still a few negative types out there in North American football who claim that David Beckham's five-year affair with Major League Soccer was a failure. Long before he raised the MLS Cup last night - this simply wasn't the case. Did he play his best football with LA Galaxy, far from it. But, is the league a markedly stronger one as his star fades from Carson, California? Definitely. While Goldenballs brought many very visible positives to MLS' image, not everything about his time on our continent made headlines...
　
11. Sexy silhouette of Bruce Arena added to his tattoo collection
　
10. Helped heal broken Los Angeles sports fan's hearts after the departure of Luc Robitaille
　
9. Resisted temptation to name baby girl "Homedepotcenter"
　
8. Turned down opportunity to buy MLS club New England after name change to "David Beckham's Revolution Pour Homme" was rejected
　
7. Galaxy's training gear long replaced by exotic matching sarongs
　
6. Whenever Man United visits the USA, Sir Alex Ferguson invited to drop by and throw hairdryer at Landon Donovan
　
5. Victoria always allowed to spray her fragrance over Columbus before away matches to Crew
　
4. Got Chad Barrett to believe in himself as "The Wayne Rooney of the southern Los Angeles suburban regions"
　
3. Successfully blocked California adult film producers from releasing XXX video "Boned It Like Beckham"
　
2. L.A. street gangs have replaced coloured bandanas with thin, European headbands
　
1. Totally got Don Garber into skinny jeans

Galaxy not far, far away

Keane: Will appear pending wife's approval



While the Los Angeles Galaxy will have their sights set squarely on the MLS Cup Final in a couple of weeks, TFC are more concerned with their following fixture. This afternoon, somewhere in the lilywhite, corruption-free bowels of CONCACAF's New York headquarters, the draw for the Champions League Quarterfinals was made and The Reds will indeed face their MLS counterparts Galaxy.
　
There are a few ways at looking at the draw from a Toronto perspective. On the negative side, LA doesn't offer that "special" continental attraction of a team from outside our league. Besides familiarity, there is also the argument that LA could be considered MLS' strongest side right now - if they don't win the MLS Cup, it will be an upset.
　
On the other side of the peso, Galaxy are on a relatively fair playing field with TFC and do not come with the overall skill level that Santos Laguna and/or Monterrey may have offered. Also, early March (when the fixtures take place) will be during the MLS pre-season and Galaxy, along with TFC, will not be in mid-season form while likely bleeding in new faces. The advantage may go to the club who does a better job of preparing themselves during the off-season.
　
Whether Galaxy provides the "big name" opponent that MLSE may have hoped for if they choose SkyDome over BMO Field is another question. While LA will still boast the likes of Robbie Keane, Landon Donovan and cough, cough, Chad Barrett - they will probably be without David Beckham who looks most likely to join Paris St. Germain or Tottenham Hotspur in January. Not likely a draw that will put 50K into SkyDome unless MLSE drops ticket prices to $10 (we hear you laughing) but much more importantly, a draw that gives TFC a fighting chance to progress to the semifinals against the Seattle v Santos Laguna winner. We'll take an away leg to Carson, California over Mexico any day.

AFTER 90: Scrappy Reds ice Barrett & "Frozenballs" in Galaxy draw

New dodgy facial hair. Same old strike rate.

Dear Major League Soccer, we know you think Toronto FC's fans are fantastic, loyal and obviously willing to put up with a lot... but we're human beings! Please, for the love of my feet stop stockpiling TFC home fixtures in early spring. If truth be known, the sell-out crowd had far more to do with a certain underwear peddler/ odd-child-naming enthusiast than any deep love for watching The Reds in sub-zero temps. Yes, "The Cockney Lothario" David Beckham, and to a lesser extent, his LA Galaxy teammates (minus the injured Landon Donovan) were responsible for the audible female yelping and far from acceptable high level of away kits in the crowd but how would the Tinseltowners fare in very chilly Hollywood North?

　
1' - Mid-April is not supposed to involve the word "witch's" or "teat". I put the blame of this lacklustre post squarely at Don Garber's feet. And also my stumps which used to be my feet. Kick-off.
2' - Dan Gargan somehow sees the starting line-up over Nana Attakora. That's a big Dutch doghouse. Gargan immediately eaten alive by a Galaxy attack but is saved by Stefan "The Goalblerone" Frei's safe hands. I envy his giant mitts. So warm.
3' - Shrieking commences as the walking 5 O’clock shadow that is David Beckham takes his first free kick. Swoon. Barf.
7' - Jumping in celebration - not due to TFC's erratic defending but to get blood back into ankles
14' - Alen Stevanovic dropped and injured in middle of the park. Unsporting Galaxy move the ball up field with Chad "Still Sh*t" Barrett blasting a shot off the bar. Karma. That also explains your homemade haircut Barrett. Crowd lustily breaks into "Same old Barrett - Still not scoring" chant. And I mean lustily.
16' - Beckham get his designer chapped legs onto a cross which is blocked by Danleigh Borman only to whip in a second cross. Dreamy.
22' - Stevanovic shows off his vast technical array but his Serie A is showing as he waits far too long to seek the outlet pass
24' - There's not enough footy chants about runny noses
26' - Jacob Peterson whips in a pinpoint free kick which meets Gianluca Zavarise's head but is saved by top Galaxy keeper Donovan Ricketts
31' - Peterson is again showing his spot kick prowess and earns the new nickname "Amish Beckham"
35' - Many fans wore double socks. Dan Gargan obviously puts a brick in his boots.
40' - Chad Barrett made a lot of bonehead plays during his TFC tenure... seeing him get out-dribbled in the box by Stefan Frei tonight was just precious. Sing it! "Same old Barrett..."
42' - Adrian Cann picking up where he left off against San Jose with very solid defence and improved dribbling. Red Steel!
44' - David Beckham gets a yellow card for a cynical tackle on Stevanovic. 5 yellows means a league suspension. Oh... the Royal Wedding is coming up! Convenient.
　
HALFTIME: TORONTO FC 0 - LOS ANGELES GALAXY 0
　
45' - "The Winter Freeze" in full effect as TFC leaves Galaxy waiting in the cold for a few minutes before returning from the locker room. Beckham looking more "Frozenballs" than "Goldenballs"
48' - Chippy and sloppy start for both teams with ball stuck in a clogged midfield
52' - Due to frozen fingers my match notes look like the etchings of a madman. Not sure, but this might say "Ty Harden purple monkey football jacuzzi"
58' - If there's one player who should be allowed to ignore "Total Football" it's Dan Gargan. Just keep booting it as far away from you as possible. "Total Gargan" is safer
60' - Watching Barrett play amongst the high-paid Galaxticos is like seeing a kid on a "Make-A-Wish" adventure
64' - Tony "Touch" Tchani having a strong match and almost scores from a TFC corner. His header just misses Ricketts' far post.
65' - SUB: Mikael "Watch" Yourassowsky in for Julian de Guzman
68' - Amish Beckham (Jacob Peterson) still making a nuisance of himself on spot kicks as he goes close once again. He's found a niche!
69' - Much deserved “oohing” and “aahing” in the crowd as "Frozenballs" curls a free kick around the TFC wall and rattles the post. We joke, but Beckham has class and fills a stadium. Enough said.
73' - Yourassowsky - who looks like a great super-villain - links up nicely with Stevanovic but TFC just missing that finisher in the middle. You know, like in 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010.
77' - SUB: Oscar Cordon in for Gianluca "Easy Peasy" Zavarise
80' - Cordon weights a lovely through ball to Yourassowsky but the super-villain gets called offside. Expect a shark with a laser to attack the linesman.
84' - SUB: Joao Plata in for Javier Martina. Toronto's front line now "Two and a Half Men"
86' - This is why you play a 5' foot 2 striker. Plata goes down. Ref feels sad that tiny man go boom. Free kick. Genius.
87' - Reds cross the ball into the LA box and whose head does it fall to? Joao Plata. The one guy whose head can't reach the ball. If he was 5' 4 - TFC wins the match. Buy him some lifts.
90+ - LA's "Fake" Juninho picks up his second yellow and gets a late RED CARD but it's too little too late as the ref blows... and whistles for full time.
　
FULL TIME: TORONTO FC 0 - LA GALAXY 0
　
With the draw, Toronto FC extends its unbeaten streak to four matches, picking up another valuable point. Despite the preference of taking 3 points at home, there are positives that can be taken from the draw. The Reds stood toe-to-toe with one of the league's best teams and was never truly dominated by the very talented Galaxy. They also have Barrett. The difference between the two teams is LA's individual quality which can make something from nothing at any time. TFC still lacks that go-to but there is no questioning the work ethic they put in tonight. While not always pretty and still not yet Total football, another match with improvements and a steel that would have bent to a team of Galaxy's quality in the past.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 7 / Danleigh Borman 7 / Adrian Cann 7 / Ty Harden 6 / Dan Gargan 5 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Tony "Touch" Tchani 7 / Jacob Peterson 6 / Gianluca Zavarise 6 / Alen Stevanovic 6 / Javier Martina 6 / SUBS: Mikael Yourassowsky 7 / Oscar Cordon - / Joao Plata - /
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Adrian Cann
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Dan Gargan... but saying Chad Barrett makes me laugh
　
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Cold. Tough. Entertaining. Frozen Metrosexuals.

THE MATCHUP: Up late with David Beckham

"Goldenballs" indeed.

TORONTO FC (8th) VS. LA GALAXY (4th)

　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: GOLTV
　
When TFC's cold weather-laden home schedule was released, club owners MLSE must have sighed in relief when they saw LA Galaxy on a chilly April weeknight. The already sluggish BMO Field attendance will no doubt be boosted by grooming enthusiast David Beckham and his Galaxy teammates. This will mark Beckham's first actual league match in Toronto (and likely his last) with his only previous BMO playing appearance being at the All-Star Game. Of course Bruce Arena's team aren't a one man show and are laden with tremendous talent. They also have Chad Barrett. Expectations are high for LA this year with anything less than a MLS Cup being failure. Galaxy are coming off a 1-1 draw with D.C. United on Saturday and playing them at home early in the season, with a possibly injured Landon Donovan, is a tiny silver lining for The Reds.
　
For Toronto, the "gradually getting better" scenario is positive but will have to be accelerated if they hope to get something out of this match. BMO Field has been a friendly confine for the club and often flatters them, but to create the fortress needed, mistakes need to be rectified. The defence cannot allow Galaxy the chances they gave San Jose in Saturday's 1-1 draw as LA's star-heavy strike force will punish them. Nana Attakora and his defensive mates will have to step up their game while The Reds' wingers will need to make the park as wide as possible. With 3 matches in 7 days, it won't be a surprise to see some player rotation especially with tender midfielders Julian de Guzman and Alen Stevanovic. The undoubtedly blustery 8PM temperature may be the extra tonic to help TFC keep its unbeaten streak intact. Don't tell Beckham about shrinkage.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Hollywood Northerner"
　
REDS FOR HER PLEASURE: Stefan Frei, Alen Stevanovic, Adrian Cann
DP STRENGTH: David Beckham, Landon Donovan, Juan Pablo Angel
　
THE ODDS
-Finely manicured facial hair designs and oversized designer sunglasses in the stands up by 35%: 5-1
- After years of shanking, scuffing and just plain booting, Chad Barrett finally figures out how to score at BMO Field: 10-1
- High-pitched shrieking from higher than usual female audience causing Bitchy The Hawk to fly into a mad mating frenzy: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Local celebrity watchers are upset that the Beckham's soon-to-be-born daughter wasn't conceived during a visit to the Toronto area. The chances of the child being named Burlington, Pickering or Brampton Beckham have thus diminished greatly
- With the ill-advised 8PM kick-off meaning some supporters may not get home until Thursday AM, some plan to camp out in the Food Building's Tiny Tom Donut stand until Saturday's match
- Bruce Arena has been preparing his Galaxy squad for the chilly Toronto weather by demanding his high-priced stars add a fourth ice cube to their post-training mojitos
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH:
"Broosh Areenah an de Losh Anjellesh Galakshee"
　
8 O'CLOCK KICK-OFFS SAY: 1-1 Draw
5 O'CLOCK SHADOWS SAY: 1-3 Los Angeles
HEADLINE: "BECKHAM DISTRAUGHT AFTER LOSING ROYAL WEDDING INVITE ON FIELD - DAN GARGAN ASKS FOR APRIL 29TH OFF"

THE STARTING 11: David Beckham's shocking demands before joining Montreal's MLS ownership group

TFC travel to LA this weekend to take on Galaxy and their hairstyle enthusiast / Milanese loan arranger David Beckham. However, over the past week Goldenballs has been rumoured with another Canadian club. Monsieur Beckham is apparently interested in joining the "Montreal to MLS" ownership group avec le Joey Saputo but before that happens, he has a few demands...

11. "Nasal Cockney" must be added to Province's official language act

10. Sir Alex Ferguson is invited over once a year to throw a hairdryer at the Montreal player of his choice

9. Victoriaville, Quebec must be immediately handed over to his wife

8. New Montreal away kit: just Calvin Kleins

7. Must be allowed to produce hilarious French-Canadian film "Bend It Like Bloc Quebecois"

6. Demands time to grow sexy new Samuel De Champlain hair-do

5. If Quebec separates from Canada, they have to take his wife too

4. Saputo Foods to market new line of "Beckham's Own Salami"

3. Cartoon snowman "Bonhomme De Neige" must live in the attic year-round for his sons' amusement

2. Montreal subway system to be re-named "METRO:Sexual"

1. Province's new name? QueBecks