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Thursday, April 14, 2011

AFTER 90: Scrappy Reds ice Barrett & "Frozenballs" in Galaxy draw

New dodgy facial hair. Same old strike rate.

Dear Major League Soccer, we know you think Toronto FC's fans are fantastic, loyal and obviously willing to put up with a lot... but we're human beings! Please, for the love of my feet stop stockpiling TFC home fixtures in early spring. If truth be known, the sell-out crowd had far more to do with a certain underwear peddler/ odd-child-naming enthusiast than any deep love for watching The Reds in sub-zero temps. Yes, "The Cockney Lothario" David Beckham, and to a lesser extent, his LA Galaxy teammates (minus the injured Landon Donovan) were responsible for the audible female yelping and far from acceptable high level of away kits in the crowd but how would the Tinseltowners fare in very chilly Hollywood North?
1' - Mid-April is not supposed to involve the word "witch's" or "teat". I put the blame of this lacklustre post squarely at Don Garber's feet. And also my stumps which used to be my feet. Kick-off.
2' - Dan Gargan somehow sees the starting line-up over Nana Attakora. That's a big Dutch doghouse. Gargan immediately eaten alive by a Galaxy attack but is saved by Stefan "The Goalblerone" Frei's safe hands. I envy his giant mitts. So warm.
3' - Shrieking commences as the walking 5 O’clock shadow that is David Beckham takes his first free kick. Swoon. Barf.
7' - Jumping in celebration - not due to TFC's erratic defending but to get blood back into ankles
14' - Alen Stevanovic dropped and injured in middle of the park. Unsporting Galaxy move the ball up field with Chad "Still Sh*t" Barrett blasting a shot off the bar. Karma. That also explains your homemade haircut Barrett. Crowd lustily breaks into "Same old Barrett - Still not scoring" chant. And I mean lustily.
16' - Beckham get his designer chapped legs onto a cross which is blocked by Danleigh Borman only to whip in a second cross. Dreamy.
22' - Stevanovic shows off his vast technical array but his Serie A is showing as he waits far too long to seek the outlet pass
24' - There's not enough footy chants about runny noses
26' - Jacob Peterson whips in a pinpoint free kick which meets Gianluca Zavarise's head but is saved by top Galaxy keeper Donovan Ricketts
31' - Peterson is again showing his spot kick prowess and earns the new nickname "Amish Beckham"
35' - Many fans wore double socks. Dan Gargan obviously puts a brick in his boots.
40' - Chad Barrett made a lot of bonehead plays during his TFC tenure... seeing him get out-dribbled in the box by Stefan Frei tonight was just precious. Sing it! "Same old Barrett..."
42' - Adrian Cann picking up where he left off against San Jose with very solid defence and improved dribbling. Red Steel!
44' - David Beckham gets a yellow card for a cynical tackle on Stevanovic. 5 yellows means a league suspension. Oh... the Royal Wedding is coming up! Convenient.
45' - "The Winter Freeze" in full effect as TFC leaves Galaxy waiting in the cold for a few minutes before returning from the locker room. Beckham looking more "Frozenballs" than "Goldenballs"
48' - Chippy and sloppy start for both teams with ball stuck in a clogged midfield
52' - Due to frozen fingers my match notes look like the etchings of a madman. Not sure, but this might say "Ty Harden purple monkey football jacuzzi"
58' - If there's one player who should be allowed to ignore "Total Football" it's Dan Gargan. Just keep booting it as far away from you as possible. "Total Gargan" is safer
60' - Watching Barrett play amongst the high-paid Galaxticos is like seeing a kid on a "Make-A-Wish" adventure
64' - Tony "Touch" Tchani having a strong match and almost scores from a TFC corner. His header just misses Ricketts' far post.
65' - SUB: Mikael "Watch" Yourassowsky in for Julian de Guzman
68' - Amish Beckham (Jacob Peterson) still making a nuisance of himself on spot kicks as he goes close once again. He's found a niche!
69' - Much deserved “oohing” and “aahing” in the crowd as "Frozenballs" curls a free kick around the TFC wall and rattles the post. We joke, but Beckham has class and fills a stadium. Enough said.
73' - Yourassowsky - who looks like a great super-villain - links up nicely with Stevanovic but TFC just missing that finisher in the middle. You know, like in 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010.
77' - SUB: Oscar Cordon in for Gianluca "Easy Peasy" Zavarise
80' - Cordon weights a lovely through ball to Yourassowsky but the super-villain gets called offside. Expect a shark with a laser to attack the linesman.
84' - SUB: Joao Plata in for Javier Martina. Toronto's front line now "Two and a Half Men"
86' - This is why you play a 5' foot 2 striker. Plata goes down. Ref feels sad that tiny man go boom. Free kick. Genius.
87' - Reds cross the ball into the LA box and whose head does it fall to? Joao Plata. The one guy whose head can't reach the ball. If he was 5' 4 - TFC wins the match. Buy him some lifts.
90+ - LA's "Fake" Juninho picks up his second yellow and gets a late RED CARD but it's too little too late as the ref blows... and whistles for full time.
With the draw, Toronto FC extends its unbeaten streak to four matches, picking up another valuable point. Despite the preference of taking 3 points at home, there are positives that can be taken from the draw. The Reds stood toe-to-toe with one of the league's best teams and was never truly dominated by the very talented Galaxy. They also have Barrett. The difference between the two teams is LA's individual quality which can make something from nothing at any time. TFC still lacks that go-to but there is no questioning the work ethic they put in tonight. While not always pretty and still not yet Total football, another match with improvements and a steel that would have bent to a team of Galaxy's quality in the past.
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 7 / Danleigh Borman 7 / Adrian Cann 7 / Ty Harden 6 / Dan Gargan 5 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Tony "Touch" Tchani 7 / Jacob Peterson 6 / Gianluca Zavarise 6 / Alen Stevanovic 6 / Javier Martina 6 / SUBS: Mikael Yourassowsky 7 / Oscar Cordon - / Joao Plata - /
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Dan Gargan... but saying Chad Barrett makes me laugh
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Cold. Tough. Entertaining. Frozen Metrosexuals.


  1. "Easy Peasy" Zavarise is [easily] the best nickname so far. Think you missed MOTM, though. It was [easily] Tony Tchani, I think.

  2. @ Steve...

    I kid you not, we argued back and forth between Cann and Tchani for MOTM. We're loving Tony Touch right now and he did have a great game. Cann got the nod for shutting down some big Galaxy attacks in the 1st half that could have blown the match wide open.


  3. @ Steve

    Stefan "The Goalblerone" Frei is hands down the best and funniest nick name for a TFC Player.

    @ The Yorkies

    This is by far the best TFC blog going. Fucking hilarious!!!!

    Frei should have gotten MOM.

  4. We missed "poor mans Ibra" Gordon yesterday. Too bad Platita couldn't score.. Rest your voices for Saturday ;)