AFTER 90: Utah taints

Kyle Beckerman: He knows he's pretty

REAL SALT LAKE - 3

Alvaro Saborio - 11' (PK)

Luis Gil - 28'

Alvaro Saborio - 55'

TORONTO FC - 0

WHAT WE EXPECTED: The toughest test TFC would face so far this season and most likely a difficult loss in a match where The Reds would see little possession.

WHAT WE GOT: Some pretty fuggo stuff. Disjointed, overly-scrappy and tactically lacking. RSL is a quality club but if Toronto FC want to play with the big boys this season they can't trot too many of these out.

THE GOOD:

- Michael Bradley just can't stop. Win, lose or draw that engine keeps going.

- The Bradley to striker laser-passes are still working.

- They don't get pushed around.

THE BAD:

- Slow starts to both halves becoming a theme for TFC this season.

- Defensive composure from first two matches not on show tonight.

- Steven Caldwell's studs-up challenge on Ned Grabavoy could end up costing him further if MLS Head Office reviews it.

- Jermain Defoe came off in the 60th minute holding his leg - possibly hamstring related.

- Out possessed by massive margin and even if you don't rate that stat - did little with the possession they did have.

- The feared depth issues reared their heads in a big way. None of the starting 11 replacements had any kind of impact.

THE MALARKEY:

- Kyle Beckerman's dreads have gone full-out natty. The family of possums now living inside it are said to be healthy and happy.

- Looks like The Osmond Family have won this round of their vicious rap fued with Drake.

- Ned Grabavoy still has the perviest sounding name in MLS. Steven Caldwell may have been doing a Nightline investigation.

- John Stockton shorty-short-shorts spotted: 0

PLAYER RATINGS:

Julio Cesar 6 / Bradley Orr 4.5 (SUB: 60' Issey Nakajima-Farran 5) / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5 / Justin Morrow 5.5 / Mark Bloom 4.5 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 5 (SUB: 78' Kyle Bekker ) / Alvaro Rey 5.5 / Gilberto 5.5 / Jermain Defoe 6.5 (SUB: 61' Dwayne De Rosario 5 )

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Michael Bradley

  

 The long and the short shorts of it

THE MATCHUP: Bit off Mormon we can chew?

Marie Osmond! You traitor to Utah and the Spanish Crown!



REAL SALT LAKE VS TORONTO FC
RIO TINTO STADIUM - SATURDAY 9:30 ET
TV: TSN 2

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- This is arguably TFC's stiffest competition so far.
- Ryan Nelsen has been poking RSL with a stick by wondering aloud if DP Alvaro Saborio should be banned for this match due to an infraction last week vs LA Galaxy. Will RSL use it as motivation?
- Will TFC sign Issey Nakajima-Farran and have his paperwork processed in time for the match? Would he take the banned Jackson's starting spot on the wing? (UPDATE: See news below)
- How will Jermain Defoe react when he finds out how many wives you're allowed to have in Utah?
- Will Michael Bradley prove his dominance after RSL's Nat Borchers publically claimed that Kyle Beckerman was the better player of the two?
- Do RSL's horrible new shirts come with matching John Stockton super-shorty-short-shorts?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The King Juan Carlos I Invitational"

THE DUEL:
Kyle Beckerman vs. Michael Bradley

WHO ARE YA?
We gently mock our MLS brethren south of the border for their tendency to add on concerts and other spectacles post-match to help draw bigger crowds to matches. Most are cringe-worthy local artist shows with a dose of fireworks thrown in but RSL have outdone themselves with "Tintopalooza" a huge show following Saturday’s match full of Utah's finest music. Come for the match, stay for...

TINTOPALOOZA

Featuring...

DA OSMONDZ: THE NEXT GENERATION
Folk-funk fusion duo STOCKTON & MALONE
UTAH SAINTS
THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR
UTAH JAZZ
MAJOR LUZER feat. Kyle Beckermon
THE MORMON TABERNACLE DEATH METAL ENSEMBLE
NICK RIMANDO'S RHYTHMIC BELLY SLAPPING

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
March 29, 2011: Three days after scoring two goals in his home debut, Javier Martina - confident in the knowledge that his long, successful TFC career has begun - spends his full season salary on a boat named "BRACE YOURSELF"

BONUS NEWS SECTION NEWS!
ISSEY REALLY SIGNED?

According to Luke Wileman at TSN and now being "scooped" by MLS' official site, Canadian international winger and long-term trial aficionado Issey Nakajima-Farran has signed with TFC and the deal only awaits Commissioner Dong Grabber's erotic rubber-stamp.

The 29-year old Alberta native has one colourful passport as his professional career has seen him play in Singapore, Denmark, Australia and most recently Cyprus. With 30 caps to his name with Canada, Nakajima-Farran offers a lot of experience and some depth to TFC's flanks. As mentioned above, he may be pressed into immediate service versus RSL due to "InfrAction" Jackson's ban.

Most importantly, the winger adds some needed pun-meat to the club with "Issey or Isn't he?" lines due to see a sharp increase. He also represents one of TFC's few hyphenated players. Arguably the finest since "Young" Nana Attakora went by Nana Attakora-Gyan. Important football analysis 24/7 at The Yorkies.

And... If you like this kind of jibber-jabber but wished it could be shoved in your ear like a moist Q-tip - we've got you covered! The Yorkies and Waking the Red join forces weekly on The Vocal Minority Podcast... "Get used to it" here... (NEW EPISODE ON FRIDAY!)

"The Power of Kreis Compels Us!" 18 Observations from the 18th MLS Cup

Oooh shiny!

 

As a Toronto FC supporters' website, we do not have any legal obligation to write about the MLS Cup. Or playoffs. Or winning records. Or hope. Actually we're not responsible for much aside from the latest on Raivis Hscanovics "War on Vowels".

Despite that, we didn't want to ignore what is a tasty MLS Cup Final. Two good clubs named after clubs from the Iberian Peninsula playing in conditions similar to the Siberian Peninsula. We will leave the actual football reporting to the usual suspects (You come here for stats? Weirdo.) but will instead look into the deeper story. Those little observations that you may have missed on TV but which will make Sporting Kansas City vs. Real Salt Lake one of the eighteen best MLS Cup Finals of all time!

- This is reportedly the coldest MLS Cup Final of all time, eclipsing the Toronto-hosted final of 2010. Great. Toronto had one measly MLS playoff record and we couldn't even hold on to that. Sonfabitch.
- Over 1500 Real Salt Lake supporters at the match today. Officially the largest amount of people to leave Utah en masse since the whole Osmond Family went on tour in 1978. Fact.
- Sporting KC 'keeper Jimmy Nielsen went back to his native Denmark for reconstructive shoulder surgery. His rotator cuff is now 78% Lego.
- Real American patriot/xenophobia sufferer Jacob Peterson threatened to boycott today's match. The SKC midfielder was disgusted that a "Sporting" and a "Real" were competing for what he calls the "All-USA Soccer Trophy Championship". Then he makes a gunshot noise with his mouth.
- If Sporting Park is the "Rolls Royce" of MLS Stadiums, that makes BMO Field a hobo's boxcar.
- The King of Utah is not in attendance. Nor the Wizard of Oz. There was a false alarm on a munchkin sighting but it was Joao Plata doing warm-ups.
- Many fans were taken aback by Don Garber's "organized crime boss" outfit during halftime. In defence of the league boss, he is on his way to his local community theatre production of "Chicago (Fire)". And all that jazz.
- Garber was waxing lyrical once-again about a potential future MLS winter schedule. Club owners in attendance at the frigid match were heard to say "Ummm... yeah... fuck that shit."
- Kyle Beckerman's dreadlocks were gently placed in a slow-cooker - rented from a local Kansas BBQ joint - during halftime in order to thaw out his "Realstafarian" hair-do.
- Benny Feilhaber's Ron Burgundy moustache has become the least successful "Anchorman 2" cross-promotion since Will Ferrell appeared on a TSN curling broadcast.
- Tim Leiweke just promised TFC fans they would be in the MLS Cup in the next 30 days. Likely.
- It is an awful lot of fun to say "Zusi" really slowly.
- Kyle Beckerman having a dominant 2nd Half. He must think it's white boy day. (Locker room video)
- Alvaro Saborio and Aurelien Collin have both found the scoresheet tonight. And they say nice guys finish last! {SARCASM FONT}
- League releases tie-breaker format: Extra Time; Penalty Kicks; Slam Dunk Contest; Karaoke showdown; Former Wizards Preki & Mo Johnston vs. Karl Malone & John Stockton mud wrestling extravaganza.
- Teal Bunbury is still a massive twat.
- Penalty kicks are a cruel way to crown a "champion" in football after 9 months.
- MLS entertained us more than any match from Europe today. Now let's get our re-build on. Again.

SPORTING KC 1 - REAL SALT LAKE 1
(SKC WINS 7-6 ON PENALTY KICKS)

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto FC v. Real Salt Lake... or Plata-bing, Plata-boom!

Today is a great day. Sure its mediocre football time, but that's not it. Today is the first day that GO Transit runs every half hour! Regional public transit has advanced by 30 years today.   Just another 40 to go to catch up to the rest of the modern world but baby steps... no more 48 minute waits post match! Only 18 for this guy!

Oh yeah, TFC win and a draw, blah blah blah... let's do this sucker.

This match is brought to you by the BlackBerry 10 speech to text. Not an advertisement, but a precursor to cheap misunderstood amusement!   Go technology!

12 - Go Bruins Is that through 20 yards and Hello will go on the first touch Get away from him but his second touch just tires wife lol 

36 - YELLOW - Go Bruins goes into the book for being crabby as an RSL player gets by him I think 

45 - GOAL - RSL Are passing outside the box gets laid off to Alvarez from 20 yards and then fire slow and far corner 

ROBINS 0, TABERNACLES 1

Halftime mood : a little deflated 

54 - SUB - Go Bruins comes home for silver 

59 - SUB - Call exit the game for on (Braun)

60 - YELLOW - Richter get the yellow for taking down Platter.  Twitter gets up from the original tackle runs a few yards then once you realize is the whistle was blown calls back into the ground again

78 - There's a fight going on with in the practice somebody went down from toronto from a taco then Henry comes in and pushes and RSL clear down.  What is the referee we do you control ...

78 - RED - Henry gets in to for his part in the fight.  Not that we normally keep track of things but in RSL player also received a red and another one receipt a yellow card.

86 - SUB - Movie comes on Coffee

5 Minutes of extra time on apps 

90+2 - YELLOW - Caldwell is a booking for a rough time

90+4' - Broccoli has a chance and from our end, it looked like he shipped it and watched it nearly cross the line only for an RSL defender to clear silk.

FULL TIME : TORONTO 0, REAL SALT LAKE 1

[Totally worth it.  ~Ed]

Man of the Match : Brockie was everywhere.  Convey looked great and comfortable too.

Goat of the Game : Henry and it's only for the red card.  I understand sticking up for your teammates, but I fear that this may be the downfall of a promising career.  He needs to keep his head.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  They had a flawless first half, and then they lost the plot.  Things that weren't fouls in the first half, were bookable offenses in the second.  Just pick one.  The good mark was for the first 45.

Kit Spotting : Kid in a Middlesborough kit, guy in a Sao Paulo  FC but the winner goes to the guy in the Sport Clube Bahia kit on the train ride home.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : the only thing that baffled me was subbing off Hall for Braun.  I would've pulled off Osorio instead of Hall, just for going invisible in the second half.  His first half was spectacular and very early in the match, he was looking to strap the team to his back and power them to a goal.  Nothing significantly puzzling though.

The first half was far from a masterpiece, but Toronto showed composure, control and creativity.  The second half was largely toothless and draining... First half, O'Dea was an anchor in the back, second half he was playing up front... Dear TFC front office, I feel that you don't market enough to the supporters.  Consider putting stickers on all seats telling us who our seats are brought to us by, and who is the official body pillow, home pregnancy kit and hovercraft rental service of Toronto FC?  And there really need to be more tents promoting things out front of the stadium.  I was almost 20 feet from a gate before I witnessed the Sony tent... I don't wanna say we need to keep Brockie, but we should see if Wellington Phoenix will take Reggie Lambe in exchange... Koevermans is still slow, but still reliable and dangerous.  It still feels like he's not at 100%, but it's closer.  Perhaps by Wednesday he'll play the whole match (injuries notwithstanding).

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Richter 6, Henry 5, Caldwell 6.5, O'Dea 6.5, Osorio 6, Laba 6, Hall 5.5 [Braun N/A], Convey 7 [Lambe 5.5], Brockie 6.5, Koevermans 6.5 [Silva 5.5]

THE MATCHUP: And all that Jazz

TORONTO VS. REAL SALT LAKE

　
BMO Field - SATURDAY 1PM ET
TV: TSN 2 ("Droppin' The D-D-D-Deuce!")
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Ok, enough about the other stuff. Let's talk about a real match. Actually let's talk about a Real match. It’s back to business for TFC as "The Creatures from Sodium Lagoon" aka Real Salt Lake aka Utah Saints drop by BMO Field to work some MormonMagic TM.
　
Despite being perennial contenders for the last five years or so, RSL haven't pounded on The Reds at BMO Field like so many of their colleagues have so this could be an interesting fixture. TFC are riding high (stop laughing) on a three-match unbeaten streak and will need to add a little skill to their "hard to beat" philosophy if they want to grab 3 points from the still very good Utahns. Utahites? Utes? KarlMalones.
　
Now bow your heads for a moment of silence as we mourn the loss of Logan Emory's hair. #NeverForget #PrayForScreech
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Real Friendly"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Steven Caldwell, Danny Koevermans, Matias Laba
REAL SALT LAKE: Kyle Beckerman, Joao Plata, Nick Rimando
　
TFZ EXCLUSIVE: Video from a training ground incident featuring RSL hard-man Kyle Beckerman...



THE ODDS (Utah Saints Edition):
- TFC asking what they can do for me: 25-1
- Something Good is going to happen: 50-1
- A New Gold Dream... Reds don't allow a goal against in the 81, 82, 83 or 84th: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
As we all know, it is Canada Day long-weekend on this side of the 49th but you may not be aware that July 1st is also "Holy Utah Day". The state holiday celebrates Utah's 1954 victory in the Great Utah-Idaho War and the state's subsequent independence from their northern potato overlords.
　
A traditional Holy Utah Day starts with 4 to 7 of a family's wives cutting the symbol of their former oppression - the potato - into thin slices which are then tossed into the Great Salt Lake where they marinate in the hot, arid sun all day long.
　
Meanwhile, children dressed as The Osmonds go door-to-door collecting purple, gold and green yarn which is then woven into a 200 foot wide pair of John Stockton shorty shorts and burned on a giant bonfire in the Olympic Park while locals munch on the saltwater potato slices. It is truly a day of MormonMagic TM
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WE'RE OVER IT"
　
And... Since it's Friday and we really want to ask TFC "what they can do for us" we bring you Utah's most famous band...

A pinch of Salt - Plata dealt to RSL

Joao Plata meets with Real Salt Lake management



A few days after Joao Plata's agent attempted to tell the world that his client was being loaned out to Real Salt Lake by TFC, the two clubs decided to make things more permanent. The news from the adoption agency came through this morning that "Los Webster" will now be under the care of Mormon Popadopouloses (Popadopouli?) with Toronto receiving a 2015 SuperDraft 2nd Round pick for their troubles.
　
Whether Plata can rediscover some of the brief magic he had during his early TFC stint will be interesting to follow. There is no doubt that the pint-sized Ecuadorian became a quick fan-favourite but the reality that he seemed "found out" by MLS defences became apparent. Whether it was because of physical manhandling or a drop in confidence, Plata went from sparkplug to meek youngster quickly. With the handy tool of retrospect, his protracted re-signing was likely down to his fan-favouritenessosity rather than any future ability.
　
Plata seems to take his cues from his agent a little too easily as was evident when he departed Toronto last year on loan before the club was ready to go public with the news. The fact that his agent pretty much telegraphed this news last week seems to show more of the same. In the end Plata wasn't wanted back in Toronto and had reportedly fallen out of favour with his hometown LDU Quito. Perhaps a new start in "The Saltiest Town on Earth" is the tiny tonic he needs. In parting, Kevin Payne commented "It made sense for our club to move him for value as we can continue to build the team we want..." Now Kevin, about time to get some new orphans in no?

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Kiwis, Barracudas and Platitas, oh my!

Well that's a Sticky Wicket...



NILSIN? PRISINT. DIFINDERS? HAPPY.
Not only are TFC trumpeting the fact that they have "solved" the Caramilk Secret their seven-year defensive woes but they are apparently a blissfully happy bunch too! It seems like supporters weren't the only ones doing a bit of hand-wringing over new manager Ryan Nelsen's protracted arrival with Darren O'Dea admitting "Certainly it was something I was concerned with when he was first appointed," . However, with Nelsen's February 1st arrival on the back of a flock of kiwis (say unconfirmed sources) now confirmed, it seems like the defensive "gang" including O'Dea, Richard Eckersley and newcomer Danny Califf are a delighted bunch of bros. Now if we could just sign two cheery midfielders and a couple of gleeful strikers we could all share in the joy.
　
YOU GOT RESERVED
The long rumoured cuddle party between MLS and USL Pro (the pseudo-North American but not really in Canada 3rd Tier league) has been confirmed. In a perestroika-like handshake (less politburos, more City Islanders) the MLS will blend its Reserve Team schedule with the existing USL Pro division in a mosaic-like interleague kickathon. As part of the long-term cooperation, which has advantages for both parties, some of the 14 USL Pro clubs will be "affiliated" with MLS clubs which will see both player and corporate sharesies. We are really, really hoping that TFC can somehow get their paws on an affiliation with Antigua Barracuda FC. They play in Sticky Wicket Stadium. No other explanation needed. Fine...S.D. "Special Delivery" Jones. You happy now?
　
THEY WILL LOAN OUR "SILVER" - OH YEEE-AH?
An unusual tidbit was making the rumour rounds this morning and it concerns our tiny orphan Joao "Los Webster" Plata. Whispers from the Holy Mormon Kingdom of Utah claim that there is talk of Real Salt Lake loaning Plata from Toronto on a year-long agreement. As stated in the article, the original source of the rumour is most likely Plata's own agent so you are probably best to take it with the biggest grain of salt you can find. If only there was some kind of Salt Lake for such an occasion. Inter-MLS loans are practically unheard of so the most likely scenario is that a desperate agent is trying to get people north of the Rio Grande remembering that Plata exists. Unwanted at TFC and by LDU Quito by most accounts, "Los Webster" may be all out of Popadopolises.

Did someone order a "Special Delivery"?

A "Quick Pick Upper" as Reds go for Braun

Justin Braun. Not to scale.



As the transfer window swung open in Major League Soccer, TFC decided to make their first move of ClearOut 2012 (TM) with a trade that was met with a resounding "... oh, ok. Why not?" 2012 First Round pick and fan of shooting at odd angles Aaron Maund has been dealt to Real Salt Lake in return for forward Justin Braun. Do with that as you may.
　
Maund came to TFC with unreasonably lofty expectations being a First Round pick, with many fans holding their breath that a future centreback had been found. Plus, the English translation of his Twitter handle is "I am a monster" - so he gets some of the blame. Maund looked like many rookies would have on the league's worst defence and wasn't helped when Paul Mariner suddenly decided he was... Ta-Dah!... a defensive midfielder! The Notre Dame grad will now head to Utah where he can listen to jazz, wear John Stockton shorty-shorts and make use of numerous wives/Osmonds. At least according to Wikipedia.
　
Heading northward ho (not you Brandy) is depth forward Justin Braun. The 25-year old who was discovered playing amateur "soccer" in his native Utah (no doubt in front of many wives/Osmonds/Mitt Romney... thanks Wikipedia) spent the lion's share of his career with Chivas USA racking up a decent 24 goals in 96 appearances. Last season, The Goats shipped him to Montreal (Boooo! Hissssss! Pepsi!) who in turn flipped him to his hometown Real Salt Lake. Braun will no doubt have a great chance at getting his career back on track in Toronto where Danny Koevermans is scheduled for full fitness next October and Eric Hassli will somehow be suspended for 15 games starting next week.

AFTER 90: Real tough to swallow

The (Stockton) shorts end of the stick

THE BUZZ:
Will Toronto FC leave Utah with as dubious record holders?

Remember back in 2007 when RSL a bigger mess than us? Yeah.

Can Torsten Frings return balance to the midfield?

Do The Reds have the firepower up front to breakdown RSL?

Is Aron Winter brave enough to stick with his system?

Does Steve Nicol get GOL TV?

How do I look in these 1987 Utah Jazz shorty-shorts?

 

FIRST HALF:
7' - GOAL: Real Salt Lake - Kyle Beckerman

REAL SALT LAKE 1 - TORONTO 0

18' - PENALTY: Torsten Frings PK saved by Nick Rimando

 

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Richard Eckersley looking like he wanted to stab Adrian Cann in his handsome face

FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Torsten Frings becoming the first German footballer in history to miss a penalty kick

 

HALFTIME: REAL SALT LAKE 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
48' - GOAL: Toronto - Eric Avila

REAL SALT LAKE 1 - TORONTO 1

57' - GOAL: Real Salt Lake - Richard Eckersley OG

REAL SALT LAKE 2 - TORONTO 1

59' - SUB: Doneil Henry on for Richard Eckersley

68' - SUB: Joao Plata on for Terry Dunfield

76' - SUB: Logan Emory on for Ashtone Morgan

77' - GOAL: Toronto - Doneil Henry

REAL SALT LAKE 2 - TORONTO 2

80' - YELLOW CARD: Torsten Frings

90'+ - GOAL: Real Salt Lake - Jonny Steele

REAL SALT LAKE 3 - TORONTO 2

 

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Eric Avila giving his all

SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: The inevitability of the winning goal

 

FULL TIME: REAL SALT LAKE 3 - TORONTO 2

 

PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6 / Richard Eckersley 4.5 (Doneil Henry 7) / Adrian Cann 5 / Miguel Aceval 6 / Ashtone Morgan 5.5 (Logan Emory N/A) / Terry Dunfield 5 (Joao Plata 5) / Julian de Guzman 5.5 / Torsten Frings 5.5 / Reggie Lambe 6 / Ryan Johnson 5 / Eric Avila 6.5

 

THE YORKIES' TFC PLAYER OF THE MATCH: Eric Avila

 

THE MOOD:
If you were told that TFC was going to have a "record breaking" season in 2012, this wasn't likely the record you would have guessed at. Yes, your beloved Torontos take their place in the record for worst start to a MLS season at a lusty 0-7 with little in the way of optimism that things are going to improve soon. Supporters can now legally say that 2012 "couldn't have started worse".

 

The Reds did show some fight against RSL but the technical frailties, especially in defence, are still the stuff of dreams for their opposition. While we aren't yet on the "Fire Winter" train, those calls will justifiably grow louder. A few days after giving fans his 100% playoff guarantee, the affable Dutchman still hasn't found a way to make these players work in his system. A heartbreaking ending indeed but in all honesty, the 1 point would have only soothed souls temporarily and put a band-aid over a deeper wound.

THE MATCHUP: In a Real tough spot

REAL SALT LAKE VS. TORONTO
　
RIO TINTO STADIUM - SATURDAY 9PM ET
TV: GOL TV  ----RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
If there is one place Toronto FC would have chosen to avoid while trying not to tie the record for worst start in MLS history, Real Salt Lake's Rio Tinto Stadium may be it. The notoriously difficult Utah ground will be an extra obstacle in Aron Winter's "100% Playoff Guarantee" despite all signs that the Dutch head coach is about to shake-up his stuttering side. It looks likely that Bavarian talisman Torsten Frings will return to his natural midfield position in an effort to kick-start the offence and stabilize the midfield while new faces may inhabit the porous defensive line. Only a 90 minute effort (with far fewer mistakes) will help overcome the strong Western Conference table-toppers "Jason Kreis and his Latter-day-Saints".
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Utah Jazz Festival"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
REAL SALT LAKE: Kyle Beckerman, Will Johnson, Alvaro Saborio
TORONTO FC: Adrian Cann, Torsten Frings, Reggie Lambe
　
THE ODDS:- Aron Winter only being 98% sure of making the playoffs in post-match comments: 3-1
- Reds deciding to replace back four with sister-wives: 10-1
- Jamaican International Ryan Johnson publically offended by Kyle Beckerman's natty dreadlocks: 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Real Salt Lake's impressive ground Rio Tinto Stadium is located in the Salt Lake City suburb of Sandy, Utah. The booming town of Sandy was founded in 1981 after a visit from actor Gary Sandy, most famous for his portrayal of radio station manager Andy Travis on the hit sit-com WKRP in Cincinnati. The show had a massive underground following in Utah where its "racy" clips of rock n’ roll music and Loni Anderson’s cashmere encased assets were deemed "unholy" by the state’s conservative religious leaders.

Gary Sandy’s impromptu visit (actually a prolonged flight connection) is said to have helped break down Utah’s strict religious stranglehold and the new town of Sandy was developed to honour this occasion. The modern town is famous for its 23-foot statue of physician Dr. Johnny Fever and is an export leader in multiple-wife-management systems, tabernacles and John Stockton’s shorty-shorts.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "S*** JUST GOT REAL"
　
Since today is Friday, we STILL need a good dance and "surely something good has got to happen", we present to you a tune from one of Utah’s most famous musical acts…

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Real Salt Lake... or fixing the terrible defense with a potent offence has to be bad

I'm ready to make a Real Betis knock-off but it cannot be anywhere as entertaining as this one...

Hey kids, you realize that our beloved Robins are in the midst of a 4 game unbeaten streak? Sure, two of those matches were against the sub-NASL calibre Real Esteli (and won both) but in a season polluted with bad news (DeRo leaving) and worse news (I thought YOU were supposed to be centre back tonight?), spin is your new best friend.

Real Salt Lake are in town to halt the little momentum this side has. They're currently sitting in 5th (like the Easter bunny and taxes, we don't believe in the divisions) in the table. It's hot, a little humid, but a nice summer evening out at the park.

And now a joke:

Did you hear Tottenham just signed a new Italian striker? Grabatelli (say it like "grab a telly")

~ President of Luton Town Supporters Club of North America

Brilliant.

5' - Plata is just getting warmed up with his ritual of turning defenders inside out. He's gonna cause headaches again.

7' - Danny Koevermans (can I get some love for calling him DeeKay? No... discuss) has a go 25 yards out -  just left of the post. It's comforting to see players with shooting confidence.

8' - Plata gets onto a Borman pass, turns Russel out, lays it off to Marosevic forcing Rimando to parry it away.

21' - some quick ball movement lands at the feet of Borman who plants his foot on the confetti and WIPES OUT! HE WAS 12 YARDS OUT DEAD CENTRE! F*cking Minor League Soccer... I can deal with bouncy castles and playgrounds but this is the field of play.

23' - Beckerman has a go from the edge of the box pushed over the bar by Kocic.

30' - Espindola gets a pass from Wingert 12 yards out in front of goal with only Kocic to beat and Espindola smacks the cross bar. Shoulda been 1-0...

33' - Iro commits a howler as Espindola easily gets around him to have a go at goal but fires wide. Coulda been 2-0...

41' - Kocic makes a great leaping save from a rocket across the face of goal from 30 yards out.

Quote of the match
"Amy Winehouse *clap* *clap* *clap*clap*clap*" being sung to a very drunk girl 5 rows down.
"Whoa, wait, too soon"
"Hey, she's been sober for 3 weeks..."
We're full of comedians tonight. Brilliant.

Half-time mood : uneasy after the last 20 minutes

64' - SUB - Iro comes out for Ty Harden. In light of what we know, that's a very good move.

66' - We've made another terrace classic.

"He's quick! / He Serb! / His saves are quite superb! Kocic... Kocic..."

You're welcome.

70' - Kocic comes out and gets his hand on a very dangerous and would've-been-on-target cross to spoil a tap-in attempt. Very good awareness.

73' - Borman with an almost too long run, lays it off for Plata who blasts one that Rimando has to push over the bar.

74' - SUB - Koevermans off for Martina. We were speculating exhaustion.

77' - GOAL - Plata lays a low cross that skips past two defenders and his target... and Rimando as well, smacking off the back post and rolling in. Happy accidents and all that.

78' - SUB - Stinson off for Henry. Stinson played a very promising game, well done sir.

89' - Salt Lake earns a corner after a badly played back pass from Henry. Ensuing corner sees Schuler comes flying in for a header but puts it over the bar. Too damn close.

90+1' - Salt Lake pouring it on as Kocic comes off his line but a strange deflection sees him caught way out - Henry calmly clears the ball off the line.

90+3' - I apologize for the following lack of description. All I wrote was "Kocic outstanding! Two MASSIVE saves!" and remembering exactly that, but I assure you, that was accurate.

FULL TIME : Toronto FC 1, Real Salt Lake 0

Man of the Match - Kocic played outstanding. He is a solid keeper and I believe he has the goods to start in this league without question. Well done Milos.

Goat of the Game - Confetti. I know MLSE and MLS endorse this stupidity because baseball, football, basketball and hockey do it ALL THE TIME, but it adds nothing to the game. Honestly. It's a mess and it's embarrassing for MAJOR League anything.

Ref Rating - 5 out of 5. He didn't call any real howlers, and when Toronto was up he wasn't swinging bias against them as it seems to usually happen (or maybe my memory is messed, I mean when was the last time Toronto had a lead at home going into the 80th?)

Kocic 9, Borman 6.5, Iro 8* [Harden N/A] Frings 7, Eckersley 7, DeGoo 6.5, Stinson 7 [Henry N/A], Avila 6, Plata 7, Koevermans 6.5 [Martina N/A], Marosevic 7

* Iro started with a 10 out of 10 and lost a point for every howler committed. He would automatically lose the 10 at any time another penalty was conceded at his fault. Below is a sign that was prepared to be unfurled in the event of another Iro penalty, courtesy of the President of the Luton Town Supporters Club of North America

Did we mention Kocic was outstanding? He was... I did feel a bit for Frei, who was injured with a leg problem. He's worked his ass off this season and has a goals allowed number undeserving of his talents and a clean sheet for him would've been nice... It's safe to say that some of these academy kids are growing into their own as Stinson and Henry looked like they belonged on the pitch... tonight was a combination of good luck for us, bad luck for them with a pinch of due karma thrown in, but I will happily take it.

THE MATCHUP: Real-ity check

Kyle Beckerman: "Is it Reds boy day?"



TORONTO FC (16th) VS. REAL SALT LAKE (5th)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: GOLTV RADIO: FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Can TFC continue its unbeaten streak against an opponent far superior than the last four clubs they faced?
- Is the recent offensive output a fluke or can The Reds continue these multiple-goal results?
- Can Andy Iro regain his confidence after his terrible night out against D.C. United?
- Will the dreadlocked wonder that is Kyle Beckerman be tired after his midweek showing in the US Men's squad friendly vs. Mexico?
- Will the Utah Royal Family be in attendance?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Monarchist League"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Eric Avila, Richard Eckersley, Torsten Frings
REAL SALT LAKE: Kyle Beckerman, Nick Rimando, Alvaro Saborio
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC still being referred to as "the new look Reds": 10-1
- Travelling RSL supporters mocking Toronto's Lake Ontario for its "lack of salt": 20-1
- Kyle Beckerman offering TFC's "white boys" an egg roll: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- To battle drooping attendance figures, MLSE has marketed RSL as "Utah's Real Esteli"
- Security at BMO Field will be upped as there have been concerns that right-wing extremist Mormon sects are considering Julian de Guzman's goal last week as a sign of the apocalypse
- Bob de Klerk was fined by Major League Soccer for his innocent Dutch-accented pronunciation of RSL hometown "Shalt Lake Shity"
　
THE WAGER: 1-1 Draw (2011: 18-14 with 6 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "RESULT LEAVES REDS ROYALLY FLUSHED"

AFTER 90: Real ugly in Utah

No need to be so rude Kyle Beckerman!

IN THE TUNNEL:

With the Gold Cup Final taking place simultaneously (smooth move Garber), the Women's World Cup starting tomorrow, The UEFA U-21 Final earlier today and the FIFA U-17 Championship under way - nearly zero eyes are on this match. Thankfully that means the horror of the Gargan-Sturgis-Zavarise midfield will reach few eyes...
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - A beautiful night in suburban Utah. A smallish crowd made larger by the amount of sister wives in attendance. Kick-off...
4' - Natty Dread Kyle Beckerman takes a shot which Stefan Frei loses in the sun. Gets a kicking in the ribs from Alvaro Saborio on the ensuing rebound
10' - RSL passing the ball around like Utah legends Stockton & Malone
14' - Danleigh Borman clears a sure RSL goal off the TFC goal line that had beaten Frei a little too easily. All Real so far
20' - RSL testing the sun drenched Frei with long range shots
23' - Will Johnson forces a good two handed save from Frei. What a quality Canadian midfielder he is. Hey, I wonder what ever happened to that Julian de Guzman fellow?
35' - How can RSL supporters not sing "Jason Kreis... Superstar"?. Too blasphemous for Utah?
39' - GOAL: Like a cat playing with string. It was only a matter of time as Nat Borchers powers home a header from an RSL corner
REAL SALT LAKE 1 - TORONTO FC 0
41' - GOAL: Truly awful defending as the ball bounces over three Reds before landing at the feet of an unmarked Saborio who easily scores
REAL SALT LAKE 2 - TORONTO FC 0
44' - Can TFC's defence be written off as a charitable donation?
　
HALFTIME: REAL SALT LAKE 2 - TORONTO FC 0
　
45' - SUBS: Mikael Yourassowsky in for Joao Plata and Academy product Matt Stinson in for Javier Martina. 2/3 of the front line out says all you need to know.
52' - TFC always seems to play better when any chance of a result has long gone
58' - RSL have re-established full control of match
59' - See above. GOAL: Alvaro Saborio eats Doneil Henry for a snack and beats Frei easily
REAL SALT LAKE 3 - TORONTO FC 0
63' - Richard Eckersley's face is matching his hair in frustration
64' - SUB: Nick Soolsma in for Dan Gargan. It would be too easy to write a joke
66' - GOAL: The enigma that is Maicon Santos makes his once-a-game appearance and drives a long range blast past Nick Rimando
REAL SALT LAKE 3 - TORONTO FC 1
71' - Eckersley has become the pantomime villain at Rio Tinto garnering loud boos with every touch
80' - RSL are starting to put match in cruise control
83' - The TFC transfer window better have players pouring out of it like clowns out of a tiny car
88' - If the rest of the team had a portion of the fire in their belly that Eckersley has, this club would be in many more matches
90'+ - A poor match for TFC mercifully ended by the referee
　
FULL TIME: REAL SALT LAKE 3 - TORONTO FC 1
　
IN THE BATHS:
What can be said about this match that hasn't been said about majority of The Reds' away fixtures this season? Yes, the club is currently decimated by injury and a shallow roster but there hasn't been forward development in quite some time. The truth is that TFC is currently in a limbo state. Aron Winter's "revolution" has obviously gone as far as it can with the current crop of "talent" and anyone with any investment in this club is counting the days until the transfer window flies open. Sadly, by the time July 15th rolls around there is a very good likelihood that TFC will be the worst team in MLS. Even the most pessimistic Reds supporter (yes, it's likely me) didn't expect that this year.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Doneil Henry 5 / Ty Harden 5.5 / Danleigh Borman 6 / Dan Gargan 5 (Nick Soolsma 6 ) / Nathan Sturgis 5.5 / Gianluca Zavarise 6 / Javier Martina 5.5 (Matt Stinson 5 ) / Maicon Santos 6 / Joao Plata 5.5 (Mikael Yourassowsky 6 )
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Richard Eckersley
TALKING POINT: Can you order a transfer "bay" window? Discuss

THE MATCHUP: Not looking Real good

REAL SALT LAKE (5th) VS. TORONTO FC (16th)

　
RIO TINTO STADIUM - SATURDAY 9PM ET
TV: GOLTV
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Will TFC have enough healthy players to make up a midfield?
- Are the recent positive and optimistic Reds player's sound bites real or simply an effort to appease anxious supporters?
- Even though Julian de Guzman is officially still with the club, is he really "with" the club?
- Remember a few years ago when RSL were worse than Toronto FC?
- If Maicon Santos played for RSL, how many wives would he keep?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Pinto at Rio Tinto"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
REAL SALT LAKE: Kyle Beckerman, Will Johnson, Nick Rimando
TORONTO FC: Richard Eckersley, Stefan Frei, Joao Plata
　
THE ODDS:
- Richard Eckersley calling up ex-teammate Alen Stevanovic - asking him how you get out of "these loan deals" so easily: 15-1
- Julian de Guzman mistaking Real Salt Lake for a Spanish club - demanding a transfer: 25-1
- GolTV trying to help ratings by interrupting 2nd Half of match for highlights of 1980's Utah Jazz to the music of Utah Saints: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Real's Head Coach controversially turned down a promotional opportunity with a major Utah organization when he refused to legally change his name to "Jason Kreis of Latter-Day Saints"
- News has been hard to come by in regards to Julian de Guzman's post-Gold Cup "injury" but medical observers are hypothesising it is down to either Post Traumatic Vertical Follicle Disorder or Lamborghini-itis.
- The Salt Lake suburb of Sandy, Utah is home to Rio Tinto Stadium. The town was founded in 1989 by pioneers Karl Malone and John Stockton. Local residents are called Sandinistas and the main exports are tiny basketball shorts, wives and family musical acts.
　
THE WAGER: 2-0 Real Salt Lake (2011: 13-8 with 4 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "REDS GET SALT LAKE POURED ON WOUNDS"

The South Stand Report: Toronto FC v. Real Salt Lake... or how long must a snowball last in hell to be considered a success?

It's cold. It's rainy. It's damn near October and I'm looking forward to next season because this season's optimism is almost out and I need to restock for (expensive) Season V. Wonder how many will turn out for this benchmark in the old 5-year plan?

Starting XI

Conway
Usanov - Cann - Attakora - Garcia
Gargan - Vanilla - deGoo - Labrocca
DeRo - Maicon

Predictions

• Rain. Lots of it.
• Pain. Lots of it.
• One of the lame players gets lamer
• DeRo scores
• TFC 1, RSL 2

18 - Williams corner results in "King" Conway gorilla-slapping the ball away. Love the imagery.

21 - GOAL - This. Is. Wrecked. Conway whips the ball HALF WAY DOWN THE PITCH. Then, of all people, Vanilla Peterson runs onto the ball, beats his marker and BURIES IT past Rimando bottom left. We are so sh*te and we're winning!

27 - Maicon is down and done. He gets walked off with a nasty looking goose-egg on his noggin.

31 - SUB - Maicon out, The Chad in. Good sub. How often have we been able to be comforted with a substitute.

34 - All Salt Lake right now in the Toronto half of the pitch, floating their balls at Conway. Wait. That sounded dirty...

41 - Crazy break with Vanilla, Chad and a late running DeRo. A little bit of pinball and Vanilla ends up with a header wide.

42 - Real Salt Lake free kick, Johnson lays it off for Beckerman who launches a shot at Conway.

45 - North End Elite's banner of "MLSE : Only $eeing Dollar $ign$" was held up again. Those guys are awesome.

1 min of extra time

Half Time mood : Not bad. Nobody's going for the throat at this point, and it's a giant feeling-out process. As if the first 2 minutes of a match was stretched out for 45 mins. Odd, but comforting.

Quote of the Match:

Thank God, we get a break from Glee.

~ Dom on the half-time silence from the front row choir

53 - YELLOW - Usanov for punching a shadow. No, I didn't see it...

56 - Vanilla rolls a dangerous ball in DeRo gets out of the way of a collision between Rimando and "Brick Sh!t House" Olave that puts both to ground, the scramble results in a squandered opportunity.

58 - DeRo rocket from 20 yards out parried away from Rimando. Great shot.

64 - SUB - Mista in, Peterson out. Confusing substitution as Peterson was having a wonderful game.

Announced attendance : 10 500 *cough*Bulls**t*cough* 7000 tops.

68 - GOAL - We were nervous about this. Free kick 20 yards out as Javier Morales loops the wall and gets handed over the line by deGoo (but not an own goal). Conway never budged.

72 - Labrocca sends in to Mista who's half-volley goes just wide of the mark.

77 - SUB - Labrocca out, OBW in. Labrocca was having a rough game, just anemic.

80 - TFC is playing with that intoxicating melange of desperation and carelessness. Oh end of season style... how I've missed you.

81 - Chad opts to pass when a shot would've sufficed from just right of the 6 yd box and three other Reds nearby. Opportunity missed.

90 - Conway comes up huge in a break out stopping someone. Gargan, not having the best game himself, could not catch his man.

3 minutes of extra time

90+3 - Conway almost undoes every positive by nearly bobbling a cross into the net but salvaged his own gaffe.

FULL TIME : Toronto FC 1, Real Salt Lake 1

This concludes our continental excursion as the 2-0 result for Cruz Azul over Arabe Unido eliminates TFC.

Man of the Match : Vanilla Peterson. I know, I berate him from the time the tannoy announces his name but he played very well. The finish was clinical, the passing was imaginative, the hustle was impressive. These are attributes I would never imagine heaping onto him. Attakora, great to see him back, would've been MotM, except I wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to give to someone I've wanted out for 4 months and deserved it.

Goat of the Game : This is rough... Gargan, Labrocca, Garcia, Usanov all had poor games. Not horrible, but poor.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. No howler-type calls. Let it move. Probably allowed a little more than necessary.

You could see the desperation creep into the match. I know I said it before, but it kicked in when they were up 1-0. Slowly but surely however , RSL made their way back into the match and effortlessly tied it up.

There's so much more to report, but short of flogging a terminal horse, the continental dreams have been dashed... and we sooooo longed for a Montreal-type run. But here's the bright side : we defeated one of the Top 50 clubs in the world (#36 as of August 2010 ranking) and got a draw down there. I say that's pretty impressive for a side that wouldn't break the top 200.

THE MATCHUP: Put us out of our misery

De Ro: He was Beckerman before Beckerman

TORONTO FC VS. REAL SALT LAKE
CONCACAF Champions League - Group A
　
BMO Field - Tuesday 8PM ET
TV: GOL TV
　
Now that Toronto FC are truly out of the MLS Playoff hunt... again, all efforts can be put towards the slight hopes of getting to the CONCACAF Champions League's knockout stages. Of course, the team's full effort was apparently on show during Saturday's strange loss to San Jose - and look how that turned out. ML$E is in desperate need of some good PR right now so there will no doubt be a good deal of pressure on Nick Dasovic to keep TFC playing in some kind of meaningful matches during ML$E's most critical part of the campaign - season ticket renewals.
　
It could be a strange atmosphere in The Reds' locker room after team captain Dwayne De Rosario's much publicized call for a better contract. Will the fractures on this fragile club crack further or is there enough respect for De Ro that it won't spread on-field? RSL beat up on TFC in their last CCL match so The Reds will need a monumental effort to get the necessary win. However, you may be in the growing school of thought that feels that RSL could do Toronto a favour by ending their 2010 season once and for all so that the important work of re-building the club can begin. And no Mr. Anselmi - making Jim Brennan he GM doesn't count.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Great vs. Salt Lake-Off"
　
FAULTY: Chad Barrett, Nana Attakora, Maicon Santos
SALTY: Nick Rimando, Will Johnson, Kyle Beckerman
　
THE ODDS:
- ML$E Executives keeping warm at BMO Field by burning piles of supporters' money: 2-1
- Kyle Beckerman, Julian de Guzman and Dwayne De Rosario leaving at halftime to form a reggae band: 25-1
- Julian de Guzman scoring the winning goal and then making an ATM withdrawal motion in celebration: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- In response to North End Elite's "Dollar Sign" protest, ML$E designing a giant wallet to put the giant dollar banners in
- BMO Field staff are now using the new "ANSELMI 3000" attendance counter which uses advance mathematics to add any actual attendance figures to the sum of 20,000
- RSL were pleased to escape some bad PR back home in Utah after the ill-advised "Kyle Beckerman Bobblehead Doll" giveaway which saw dozens of young fans injure themselves on the sharp, plastic dreadlocks
　
FRESH WATER SAYS: 2-1 Toronto FC
SALT WATER SAYS: 2-0 Real Salt Lake
HEADLINE: "TFC OUT OF ALL COMPETITIONS - CLUB PLANS TO RELEASE FAKE DP RUMOURS SOON"

Kyle Beckermans head to the match...

AFTER 90: Silk purse meets sow's ear

Yes Mista... we all threw up in our mouths

REAL SALT LAKE 4 - TORONTO FC 1
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

For 15 minutes tonight, Toronto FC supporters, and most likely Nick Dasovic, thought that the removal of Preki and Mo Johnston was the instant cure for what ailed. Dasovic's boys came out passing and running in an ambitious 4-3-3 formation and were pushing around a Real Salt Lake Club that never loses at home. The positive play, so foreign in TFC-land this season, was instantly rewarded when an inspired O'Brian White laid a sweet little pass to Maicon Santos who slotted it home - TFC up 1-0! Then the "5 Year Plan" returned... in a big way.

The rest of the match went from bad to worse... to well, kinda gross. Going down by a goal made RSL instantly change shape and tactics and the vast gulf in quality between the two teams became very apparent. RSL consistently broke down TFC's shaky defence and were quickly up 2-1. Just like that.

The second half was a bizarre mixture of poor discipline, usual CONCACRAP-brand refereeing and a vision of a Reds' squad that needs the replacement of more than just yesterday's departed pair of midget geniuses. From the addition of an Academy signing in a cup match, to the 5 minute "special appearance" by the quickly red-carded Mista, to the continuing tale of Nick Garcia: Village Idiot - Nick Dasovic got a clear look at the uphill battle it will take to squeeze wins out of this poorly built team.

In the end, the 4-1 result was tough to swallow and Cruz Azul's big win against Arabe Unido tonight, will likely end TFC's CCL run. The Reds' fans who hoped for an immediate bump in the Post-Mo era will need to realize that TFC is going to be a glorified expansion team for a while. Whoever takes over in the TFC front office will need more than a few months to reverse the effects of the "5 Year Plan".

MAN OF THE MATCH: Andy Williams (RSL)
GOAT OF THE MATCH: Mo Johnston (ex-TFC)... because I'm a petty bastard

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Surprising. Then unsurprising. Reality check.

SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "PREKI GETS LAST LAUGH BUT DOESN'T KNOW HOW"

TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "Umm, yeah. What I said yesterday about wanting to be the head coach next year... you know - whatever. No big deal. If someone else wants it... I'm cool." - Nick Dasovic thinks about his TFC future after the 4-1 loss

Two Kyle Beckermans? That's not fair.

The South Stand Report : TFC v (the) Real Salt Lake... Or is this enough of a slump to call this potential win a slump-buster?

I do not expect perfection. In fact, I expect a fleeting expectation of cohesion with the common sense of fielding the best XI every time regardless of how big Preki's dog house is at the moment. I don't know about the ego problems. I don't know about contracts. I don't know if anyone will ever be honest with supporters (aside from the angry dissidents who get traded to wherever Cronin went). But the goal of a footie team is to win. To win is to field the best team. If you want to make a point with your behavioral challenged players by holding them back, become a school teacher, not a manager and not a coach.

After grossly suspect officiating and sportsmanship from anyone not representing TFC in Panama, this can only be welcomed like a cold beer on a hot day. Like today.

Starting XI

Frei
Usanov - Cann - Harden - Garcia
Labrocca - deGoo - Saric - Gargan
DeRo - Mista

Predictions:
- Mista unnecessarily subbed by half
- sounds of chaos behind us as an accident takes place on the midway
- Doneil Henry comes on for a run out
- TFC win 2-1

2 - DeRo handled in the 6 yd box and... You know what? It was exciting and chaotic, whatever it was. Stuff happened, that's all you need to know.

11 - Mista fires a ball at Olave's giant shoulders and the faithful appeal for a penalty. Labrocca chases the veered shot and issues a subpoena to the defender. Solid hustle, efficient legal work.

13 - with no winger option (hint hint Preki), Gargan fires a bullet 15 yds out with a little curl, but safely stopped by Rimando.

17 - we believe Usanov may have punched an attacker while fighting for the ball deep in the Toronto third. He may have broken him.

18 - a very suspect defensive effort from the reds but it turns out Salt Lake are even more anemic. In the ensuing melee, Frei gets the ball but Olave shrugs from far away (cuz he's massive, like Les Ferdinand massive) and gets booked for knocking Frei over.

Quote of the match

"This is a family event!"
"There are no god damned families here. This is the Ex. Its practically 1/3 of a porno!"

- Julie and I have a philosophical discussion
(Get it, the "X"? 1/3 of a porno? XXX? Nevermind...)

24 - Not to be outdone, it appears as DeRo is getting double teamed. Queasy.

29 - Wingert has a go from a Tiny-Tom's-line-up distance away to test Frei. Frei passes with a leaping save.

43 - Gargan lets a shot go from 18 yds out. This whole half has been very entertaining and creative.

I'd like to give a shout out to the poseur d-bag in front of me making out with his girlfriend on the GO Train. Thanks.

43 - Victoria says she loves me but is unable to show me. I bet she doesn't even read this...

1 min of extra time

Half-time mood : excited. I could dial a rotary phone with my nipples!

SUB - Usanov out, OBW in. The shift puts DeRo at mid, Gargan at left back

50 - Another screwed up scramble. Saric should've b-boy'd that loose ball in.

60 - Brilliant attempt by Salt Lake. Espindola chases a deep ball into the corner, crosses to
Morales, who lasers a header for the low right corner but Frei saves again. Outstanding stuff.

63 - Garcia fires a 25 yd rocket of his own, forcing a big stop from the Salt Lake keeper.

69 - SUB - Saric out. Vanilla in. Whiskey tango foxtrot.

76 - deGoo loops a ball from just over half and almost gets to the foot of Mista. Pretty stuff.

78 - Labrocca serving summons and serving cute passes into the box but Mista's touch goes wide.

82 - Wingert turns Gargan inside out to get a shot that rifled off the bar.

88 - "WTF" Peterson has 2 forward chances in succession. One goes off his marking defender and the second, his own rebound, goes nowhere near the net. Ugh.

89 - Johnson has a go and beats Frei, but stopped by the woodwork again...

3 mins of extra time

90+1 - Gargan is a better defender than Usanov? Second time he got turned inside out by a winger. Rough.

FULL-TIME : Toronto 0, Real Salt Lake 0

Man of the Match : since I can't give it to the right post of the south goal due to it not being a man (damn technicalities), I'm giving it to Saric. He's going to draw blood on someone accidentally and I like it. He's mercurial and will sacrifice for a goal. I was liking Gargan at right mid until the sub put him back too.

Goat of the Game : "WTF" Peterson. Seriously. Its what I yell when he starts, he gets subbed in, touches the ball and fires wide.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Sure DeRo was manhandled all match but he didn't call some of the suspect tackles that TFC were dishing out too. I'll take no calls for both sides.

I swear I've watched a game much like this except this had waaaay more shooting and crossing. Toronto was lobbing shots from everywhere that wasn't the 18 yd box. That being said, so was Salt Lake. Lots of shots, ambitious plays. It was fun to watch but goals are funner to watch (yeah, I said funner, grammar Nazi). And with all the crossing this was the game to put OBW into the match. Problem is he has no finish or control to speak of.

I can't wait to see the protection list for the expansion draft and I think I'm going to be furious to see WTF Peterson and OBW protected and Usanov or Attakora not. I'll have a prediction list when it gets closer, as will everyone I am sure. I hope someone forces Mo and/or Preki to explain themselves when that list goes public.