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Monday, November 14, 2011

THE STARTING 11: Overlooked details in MLS' "State of the League" address

"Looks like the Golden Frank will be the decider!"

Every year during the lead-up to the MLS Cup, the league Commissioner holds a "State of the League" press conference. The speech is usually a self-congratulatory pat on the back detailing all of the ways the loop has improved over the past season and hints about what direction MLS plans to take in the future. Most of the continent's media treat the conference with the reverence usually reserved for big news stories like water-skiing squirrels and gay penguins, which means that more than a few details are missed by time the story hits the presses...
11. Club with best regular season record to get "nice bouquet of flowers" to mark occasion
10. All future shirt sponsors must be "BIMBO"
9. Future annual "Best XI" team competitions to include talent and swimsuit portion
8. Not enough time in the season to have a balanced league schedule... meaningless midseason friendlies upped to 8-12 matches per club
7. David Beckham offered Columbus Crew, FC Dallas and New England Revolution as part of contract extension offer
6. Future Extra Times to be decided by competitive hot dog eating
5. Canadian clubs forced to wear inflammatory "evil Mountie" costumes when playing in the US
4. Despite lack of stadium, NY Cosmos will enter the league - home matches to be played on Staten Island Ferry
3. Re-alignment will see MLS split into 19 Divisions - winner of each division qualifies for playoffs
2. Automatic 3-Game suspension for any player or coach who "accidentally" refers to MLS Commissioner as "Dong Grabber" during interviews
1. Starting in 2012 - Los Angeles and New York get annual bye to MLS Cup Final


  1. Hater? It's called satire. How could a site dedicated to an MLS club "hate" the league? Grow up.